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Teacher Commentary

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Teacher Commentary

Dear Student,
I enjoyed reading your first draft. Your inclusion of personal experience strengthens this essay.
Memories, even painful ones, can be powerful writing material. This emotional appeal may help
to persuade your audience. There are still several improvements you can make to your essay.
These changes described below will better develop your draft. Once your audience has
finished reading your revised essay, they may be better convinced by your arguments.

Your essays first paragraph the introduction plainly states that some lies are harmless
while other lies cause harm. Your examples of harmless lies were good but
underdeveloped. Please include personal experience that exemplifies why some lies are
harmless. J

Your essays final paragraph the conclusion is a little weak. Remember: A strong
conclusion restates an essays thesis. It does so in 2 to 3 sentences. Consider reminding
your audience that a persons lies must be within specified limits and boundaries. This
will strengthen your conclusion and, consequently, your entire essay. J

Your writing continues to improve! This essays inclusion of important sections an

introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and a concluding paragraph was a strong draft.
Consider my two suggestions. They will make your essay more coherent. Please include a cover
memo (explained in course syllabus) with your second draft. It is due next Friday (11/4). Please
email me if you have questions about my feedback. Keep up the good work!
Mr. Hill