A RedCafe.

net book

Anonymous Caf

Confessions

THREAD BY OLLY, CONFESSIONS BY CAFTARDS, BOOK COMPILED BY DAMIEN

Foreword

Have you wanked off a dog? Sniffed your mums undies?

Maybe youve wanked to your girlfriends bra but it
turned out to be your dads? Whatever the confession,
were here for you. -- Ollys Caf Confessions Advert 2015

The 2015 RedCafe Best Thread award winner created

by the 2015 RedCafe Lifetime Achievement award
winner Olly is resurrected in this ebook by Damien
comprising of over 100 confessions in the original thread
spread over 75 pages.

The confessions inside this ebook include confessions

about vengeance, confessions about elaborate made up
e-identities, confessions about someone who found the
love of their life but theyre getting married to someone
else, confessions about sadistic young fuckers who loved
to torture and kill insects, multiple confessions about
auto-fellatio and lots of confessions about masturbating.
RedCafe has been around for 20 years come April 2017.
Ive been a member for 6 years but have been browsing
the forums for a lot longer. RedCafe has given many
people - myself included - a heck of a lot of pleasure over
the years. Weve shared great memories together of
winning the Champions League, various photoshops and
lots more, as well as some painful memories such as the
retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson, deaths of RedCafe
members and lots more.
I hope this ebook gives you some pleasure and heres to
the next 20 years of RedCafe.
-- Damien

Theres no fluff, just confession after confession. Some

will make you wince, some will make you smile, some will
make you think and others will make you think Well,
thats enough internet for one day.

C HAPTER 1

Caught Short

BROWN TROUSERS
This happened when I was 12. Usually, I have 25 minutes
to make my bus home, however, we had an exam last
class and so were held back a bit later than usual.
Towards the end of the exam, I could feel a good auld
number 2 developing. My stomach was making all the
right noises and my flatulence was increasingly pungent,
but I knew I had to make my bus so that Id get home in
time to have dinner before training.
Against my own best judgement, I leave school straight
away. The best thing to do would have been to make a
quick pitstop, yknow, drop half the load off in a quick-fire
manner and still make my bus and finish the job at
home? I get to the bus stop with five minutes to spare and
things are really starting to go downhill. Five sweaty
minutes pass and still no bus. I start to panic. I can feel it
rearing its ugly head between my cheeks. Theres a field
just across the road with a load of bushes. I could have
gone over there in the preceding five minutes but now
the bus is due any second and I cant risk missing it.
Im not in full panic mode, striding up and down the path
doing everything I can to take my mind off the impending
doom but nothing is helping. The bus comes. I sit down
the front while all the other lads head for the back.
Damage limitation. Every fart is now a potential disaster.
We hit a road with ramps and it was all over from that
point on.

I wont go into gory details but it was bad. And it felt like
it would never end. Boxers were tight enough that there
was little leakage - or so I thought. Nobody that got on the
bus sat anywhere near me. I think it was perfectly
evident what had happened. Eventually, I get to my
house, run up the stairs and whip off my soiled boxers,
putting my trousers in the hamper. I put my boxers in a
plastic bag, chucked them in the wheelie bin outside and
go back and shower for a stupidly long time.
That evening my mam came down the stairs shrieking,
asking me why there was shit on my school trousers. I,
er, slipped on the way to the bus. Must have landed on
some dog shit without realising, I lie, badly. Its on the
inside of your trousers she retorts. I have nothing. I go
to bed. Its never spoken of again.

FLOORSHITTER
I had to take a shit really bad. Finally got into the
bathroom and as I reverse crouched, I slipped and missed
the toilet. I instantly accepted it and just did my shit
everywhere in pain. Dont judge me. You dont know what
its like to live my life.

FLOORSHITTER II
Floorshitter again. Forgot about how one time I was riding my bike and
badly needed to take a shit. I made a snap decision and rode full speed
straight into some bushes which were either side of the pathway, did a
bush-shit and wiped away with leaves. Again, dont judge me. Youve
never been tested like I was.

FOOTSHITTER
I accidentally locked the bathroom door with my cat inside while I was
taking a dump. She started whining to get out so I kind of squad-swung
myself forward to get close enough to open the door for her. The forward
momentum must have dislodged a hanger and it splashed down directly
onto my bare foot. It was warmer and creamier than I imagined.
Thoroughly unpleasant and now I needed to take a second shower.
Nobody in my life can EVER know this happened.

LANDING LOG
I have four siblings and two parents. We had only one
bathroom. One evening as a young child (couldnt have
been older than 7), my mum had occupied the bathroom
for what felt like an age and I was absolutely dying for a
poo. I couldnt hold it in any longer so I took a dump on
the landing and went straight to bed. My mum finally got
out of the bathroom and stood on the turd barefoot. I
blamed my brother.

MULTI-STOREY SHITTER

I went out with my sister to Stockport many years ago

before the shops opened on Sundays. We were just
walking around looking for mischief as usual. We ended
up on the top floor of the multi-storey car park and I then
decided that I needed a shit. The toilets were closed so I
found some newspaper and did it behind some cars.

REVOLTING REFRESHMENT
When I was 5 or 6 during a water fight I refilled my pistol
with pee since I couldnt be bothered to run inside the
house to the kitchen sink. As luck would have it, it being
a hot day my best mate then (and still) asked whether
my pistol was freshly filled and could he have a drink. I
didnt know what to say so just handed it to him. He took
a slurp and looked puzzled.
He gave me a way out thankfully by saying that it tasted
odd and asked if it was vinegar to which I gratefully
replied that it was. He said it didnt taste too bad and
finished the lot. I never told him the truth and am maybe
saving it for a rainy day since he grew up to be a Chelsea
fan.
Why would he ask if it was vinegar? Why would I have
filled it with vinegar? It never came up.

It was a nice view from the top and there were a few
people milling around below. We thought itd be fun to
drop the turd on them. I picked it up in the paper, looked
down and there was a family of four just below. Down it
went and splattered right in the middle of them. The
spray covered them all and the man was freaking. Id
never ran so fast in my life before.
5

C HAPTER 2

Death

ANGRY ANTS
When I was a little boy, I liked to kill bugs. When I was 8, an event took
place that changed me. During the summer of 86 I spent a three week
period killing any garden black ants I found - either with a magnifying
glass or just squishing them. It didnt matter how I did it, I just did it.
There was one particular area of our garden where I always got a good
kill rate: the edges of the flower bed my father had made using old
floorboards. Now, you have to keep in mind that I killed them because I
saw them as bugs and nothing else. They had no feelings or thoughts
like people. They were insignificant.
One day (I still remember it like it was yesterday) I went out to the
garden to do my patrol and ensure there were no ants about. I went
over to the flowerbed border and noticed around 8-10 ants spread over
a 50cm square area. I quickly went to work squashing them. I had
almost got all of them, however 2 managed to escape. I was unhappy I
didnt get them when suddenly thousands of ants came flooding out of
the ground. I was about 4-5 feet away at that moment but I swear to God
every single one of them was coming straight for me. It was like the
cartoons! All the ants heading in one direction and not helter skelter
how you would normally see in a swarm. They were all over me! I
screamed in horror, managed to pull my clothes off and ran into the
house, locking the door in the process.

To this day I believe that the two ants that escaped

managed to tell the others what had happened and they
had enough. Three weeks of my behaviour had made
them attack me in a concerted effort.
I learnt that day that all life strives to exist, that all life
has a purpose and that purpose is to survive. Be it Albert
Einstein or an amoeba, all want to exist and nothing is
insignificant.

BAD BEEHAVIOUR
When I was a kid, I took pleasure in burning honeybees. I
dont know how it started but I used to somehow capture
them in a glass and keep it upside down, depriving them
of oxygen.
After an hour or so of waiting, I used to set them on fire
and enjoyed watching them flutter.
I can see how fucked up that is now though.

HEDGEHOG HORROR
When I was about 12-years-old I discovered a hedgehog
in the local park.
I hit it with a stick a few times, pelted it with stones and
then eventually dropped a slab on it to kill it. I split it
open and pulled out its organs - all for fun. I have no idea

why I was so cruel and have never done anything like it

since.
I had my younger sister with me at the time so probably
traumatised her as she would have been 8 at the time.

SERIAL INSECT KILLER

I am a serial insect killer and have rituals for each insect
that I kill. I can only kill on Fridays and Sundays, and my
week is spent meticulously planning my kill. When I cant
find a worthy victim, I resort to traps around my house. I
take a leg from each of my victims as a trophy. My main
inspiration is Dexter from the TV show.
My most recent kill was a spider that I named Richard as
it looked like he had one more leg than spiders normally
do. When I kill them I wrap them in some loo roll and
flush them down the toilet. Sometimes I scribble a small
poem on the loo roll to make the death more romantic. I
grew quite empathetic with Richard having seen him kill
a fly in his web. I felt that I could relate to him and very
nearly didnt go through with the kill, so he got a small
poem instead:
Into the toilet you go, Dick,
Into the toilet you go,
One more leg than the other spiders, Dick,
But in my heart, youll grow

C HAPTER 3

Love

ARRANGED MARRIAGE
Im really struggling at the moment. Ive been in love with the most
gorgeous girl in the world for five years now. Our families have known
each other since before we were even born - not very well though.
I was introduced to her about five years back and we gradually got to
know each other. Weve been close friends for about three years and I
fell in love with her immediately. She told me she didnt want a
relationship (she has never had a relationship with any guy ever).
She told me yesterday that shes getting married soon to a guy that her
parents have chosen for her - an arranged marriage. Shes moving to
New Zealand next year. Im really struggling at the moment. Ive been
really down and living alone right now is not helping matters. Im
struggling to go to work and concentrate on anything really.
The most gorgeous person in the world - the love of my life - and now
shell be with someone else. I really cannot think of it. Life is cruel, Ill
tell you that. Things just dont bloody work out the way you want them
to. I feel this incredible sadness and have been having that sickness in
my stomach for the past few days. Life, eh? Just not meant to be. Men
have it difficult, thats just the way it is.

10

BIPOLAR BREAKUP

INFATUATION

I was in a relationship for three years just so people

would leave me alone. I have a bipolar disorder but was
able to hide that from my girlfriend (as well as everybody
else). She was nice, but I was just in this relationship so
that other people would get off my back. She didnt even
know that I attempted suicide during this period.

Im still infatuated with my ex. Ive moved on and have

been with a great new girlfriend for a year but I still
think about her. My new girlfriend is amazing, we get on
far better and have much more in common but still...

In the end, she wanted to marry me and start a family

but that was obviously a step too far for me. I feel like a
real dick that I never actually opened up to her and just
p r e t e n d e d fo r s u c h a l o n g t i m e w i t h o u t a ny
comprehensible reason. I know everything about her,
while she knew almost nothing about me. I was never
able to explain to her the situation and just left the
country after we broke up.

FAT LEGS
One of my first girlfriends was perfect for me but I
dumped her because she had fat legs. The rest of her was
perfect but her legs were weirdly out of proportion. Im
nearly certain I would have married her if not for this.
Married with kids and the whole lot now, but I still think
of her every now and then and what might have been.
If she had normal legs.

OLDER WOMAN
Im in love with a woman who is 18 years older than me
but I left her because I am scared I will be unable to have
children with her and that she will die a long time before
I do (Im mid-twenties and have a healthier lifestyle than
her).
She had an affair with me for over a year before we went
our separate ways. To make matters worse, she told her
husband about the affair days after I told her I was
ending things.
Im really worried about her. She was in a loveless
marriage but shes ended up with nothing. I feel a little
guilty but I warned her before things started that she
was making a bad decision. It doesnt grant me innocence
in any of this but she told me she knew what she was
doing.
If she was the same age as I am, Id marry her tomorrow.
Were soulmates as far as Im concerned.
11

C HAPTER 4

Masturbation

BOTHERSOME BLOWJOB
When I was 13 I could nearly give myself a blowjob. It was just that last
inch away - may as well have been a mile. Anyway, in my infinite
wisdom I thought if I could weigh myself down with something heavy on
my back I would get there so I used the huge chest of drawers in my
bedroom. I ended up folding in half, passed out and had to get rescued
by my mum. Ended up in hospital with a damaged vertebrae and had to
explain to the doctor and my mum what I was up to.

BUNK BED BLOWJOB

When I was a kid, I had a bunk bed and had just watched some of the
Alien movied. I had just discovered masturbation about three weeks
before this point so I hung upside-down off the side of the top bunk and
tried to suck my own dick naked. My dad walked in and saw me craning,
tongue fully extended, tying to suck my own dick upside-down. He
grimaced and quickly backed out of the room.
Not a word of it was ever spoken of again.

13

BUTCHERS SPECIAL

KNICKER NICKER

Years ago when I was working in the butchers

department in my local SuperValue supermarket. Myself
and one of the lads that worked with me went for a break
at 2 p.m. We were the only two in the canteen and both
had a wank at the sink to a Page 3 girl while waiting for
the kettle to boil. We didnt even clean up our loads that
landed on the floor.

When I was about 13 I was sat near my house when a

middle-aged woman from across the road came past on
her bike. It was windy and a gust blew her skirt up and I
could see her lacy white panties. It was an amazing sight
and I became a little obsessed with her, hoping to get
another view. I would sit outside waiting for her to come
home.

CARAVAN CAPERS
A couple of years ago, the wife and I went away with her
parents in a rather small caravan to North Yorkshire for
a week. Obviously the caravan is too small for the wife
and I to be amorous so after a few days Ive got the horn
so bad I could shag a barbers floor. One morning I get up
early and go into the shower, having a crafty wank while
Im in there. Every time I move in the shower the
caravan seems to rock (I was the best part of 20 stone at
the time).
So when I get out of the shower, all three of them had got
up and were sat at the table starting at me. I must have
been giving it some because their coffee cups had spilt on
the table. Not a word was said so I just said I think one of
the supports has gone. Every time I had a shower
afterwards, I had to make the caravan rock so it seemed
genuine the first time. I think I got away with it.

One night I couldnt sleep so I decided to go for a walk and

went into her garden. Those panties were on the line so I
grabbed them and had a wank into them. I put them back
on the washing line and every time I saw her after that, I
imagined she was wearing them.

KNICKER NICKER II
I had a huge crush on my Math tuition teacher when I
was about 16. I used to drive over to her place along with
a bunch of other kids and shed teach in the living room.
She was about 35 with great skin, sexy legs and sexy
pouted lips. While teaching, sometimes shed stoop and
the view of her beautiful cleavage would give me a boner.
I had to try hard not to let me fantasy thoughts show to
the other kids. I could never concentrate in her classes
but used to work extra hard at home to be her best
student. Shed pat me on the cheek when I topped the exams and Id wank to that memory.
14

One day, I was the only student left in class doing some
work and she said shed go out and be back in a while.
The moment she left, I wanted to do something horny so I
snuck into her room, started going through her clothes,
found a slightly damp pair of bra and panties and nicked
them. I walked into her washroom looking for something
but only found a hairband with some of her long, silky
strands on it. I nicked it too, put them in my bag and left
as soon as she came back.
I didnt wash her stuff for a week and kept wanking to it
at least thrice every day. She never suspected me but
eventually the guilt made me stop going to her classes
because I was becoming too perverted in her presence. I
threw away her stuff too.
It seems sick right now but those were the best and most
creative wanks I ever had. She was a sex goddess in my
head.

LOVE BUTTER
I once had a wank in my aunties house while she and my
mum had a cup of tea and a chat.
I was upstairs and for some reason got an urge and being
a young teenager at the time I couldnt control myself so
found somewhere to sit and went to town on my magic
wand.

After about 20 seconds it was all over and I needed to

clean up. I grabbed a handkerchief that was on the side
and wiped up my love butter. Being the young gentleman
that I was, I didnt leave it lying around but made sure to
toss it into the washing machine ready for the next time
load was done.
Later on as we were leaving, my auntie asked my mum
for a lift as the shop she wanted to go to was on the way
we were going. She was looking all over for her scarf - the
one she had left on the side in her bedroom.

MASTURBATORY MADNESS
In my early teens I became a furious masturbator. I
would do it any time, any place. One place I thought
would be worthy of my spunk was the school library
which was just an ordinary classroom with some books
in. I waited until I was in the clear, hiding behind a unit
displaying books so I was shielded from the door.
My most disgusting? The changing rooms at the
swimming pool after having a swim. Cant imagine the
number of bare footed people who would have been
walking in and out of that changing room after I had used
it. I was just a kid though!

15

MATTRESS SHAGGER
I first started masturbating when I was about 12 or 13. I
had a bunk bed in my room even though I slept alone and
instead of wanking the traditional way, I would sleep on
my front and hump the mattress. I used to collect WWE
magazines (then it was still WWF), and Id put posters of
the women from WWF on the wall by the top bunk. Id
look at them, lie on my front and hump the life out of my
mattress. The bunk bed was metallic.
Anyway, one night we had some family staying over and
it ended up with my dad staying on my bottom bunk with
me on the top bunk. In the middle of the night I was
getting horny and knew my dad was asleep but I didnt
know any other way to wank aside from lying on my
front and shagging the mattress.
So I began doing it slowly at first, with one eye cast over
the wall looking at the women of WWF. Obviously, the
more into it I got, the more aggressive I began to get and I
could feel myself getting close to climaxing. At this point I
was humping the top bunk so hard, the metallic bars of
the bunk bed were hitting the wall repeatedly and the
whole bunk bed was shaking.

stopped mid-flow, went stiff like a plank. I was so

embarrassed and barely slept a wink that night.
The next morning I was having my cereal with the whole
family in the kitchen and my dad walks in and he just
eyeballs me. It was as if one eyeball was bigger than the
other. I couldnt look away from this one unflinching eye
burning through my soul. I tried burying my face into my
bowl but I could feel his lens on my head and even my
mum was asking him what was up.
He didnt say anything to my mum but I couldnt speak to
him for a while.

MOTHERLY MASTURBATION
In my teenage years, I was in my mates house just
hanging out having a laugh and watching TV. Nothing out
of the ordinary. After a while, his mother called him into
the kitchen for his dinner. He went to eat and I stayed in
the living room watching TV. I got a bit bored and saw a
picture of his mother in the room. I got a bit horny and
had a wank over this picture.

In the middle of this frenzy, on the precipice of cumming

on my mattress I heard YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOUR
DAD IS SLEEPING! DONT YOU HAVE ANY SHAME?. I

16

PORN ADDICTION
TL;DR: I was addicted to porn, then cybersex, then pretending to be a
woman having cybersex.
This is not a confession of a single event, but rather a need for me to talk
about porn and masturbation addiction.
I have had access to porn on a regular basis from around the age of 15.
This was about the time that tube sites emerged (porn sites that
functioned like youtube, where endless amounts of porn can be watched
for free). From that point on, I was watching porn twice a day and
masturbating three times a day. Now, I have never been good with
women, so I saw porn as an escape from that as I was often made fun of
by girls and boys as well as having no self-confidence. I kept watching
porn, believing that I was being educated by it and believing that I could
literally watch and learn. Having never had sex, you crave it as a
teenager believing that it will make you cooler, it will make you a man
and all of your problems will disappear.
I was 17 when I discovered cybersex through chats with anonymous
people. I would do this every once in a while but it still hadnt taken
over from porn as you need a willing participant but every so often I
would find someone and do it. Sometimes it would carry on beyond the
initial cyberfuck and extend to exchanging a number, a Kik ID or an
email. From then on, you would start exchanging pics if things had not
gone sour. As long as the person said they were of legal age to have sex
and said they were a girl, I would try my luck.

17

Im 18 and I begin University. Im really socially awkward

and have no idea how to get with girls, believing they all
want big guys with big dicks and lots of money. Its at this
time that a lot of people are having sex - except for me so I escape into my world of fantasies and porn with the
occasional tug while listening to the neighbours fuck. Im
still watching porn 2 or 3 times a day and masturbating
like crazy, craving sex but having no way to get it (would
never consider rape as an option). I cybered more, got
b e t t e r a t i t a n d s t a r t e d
reading sexual stories, getting more detailed in my
fantasies and learning what girls like sexwise to get them
more interested in my online fantasies. What I should
mention is that Im not using any camsites here - just
text - so when somebody says they are a 19-year-old girl
from New York, theres a high chance that is not who
they are. I was doing this and not verifying the person
who I was talking to. About 60% of the chats never went
beyond the initial chat as many would disconnect if I
asked for an email. I thought they were too shy but in
reality most of these were probably other sick fucks like
myself.
Time progresses and I make a couple of good friends who
help to overcome some of my confidence issues and I
slowly improve with women. Im 20 now and manage to
hook up with one of my colleagues. I wasnt particularly
into her, but she came onto me and I tried my luck - it
worked. Of course, I learned 90% of sex through porn
because sex education in most countries is shit. Its my
first time and Im trying to fuck like a porn star: changing

positions and pounding her hard. The sex was probably

shitty and I never had sex with her again.
The next time I had sex was a year later when I visited
Amsterdam and fucked two hookers. To this day Ive only
had sex three times - two with hookers, which is really
sad. Mini confession: a hooker slapped me when I bit her
nipple.
Over the course of this time, my porn addiction grows
and so does my cyber addiction. Im watching harder
porn with all kinds of messed up shit. I particularly liked
anal porn, so in my mind, anal is a normal thing which I
should always aspire to do. My porn addiction never got
too bad and there have been times where I got bored with
it.
What has worried me though is that my cybersex
addiction really grew. I was using it more and more. In
the beginning I was being myself on these sites, giving
accurate descriptions and it was purely a sex thing. I
then discovered roleplay and slowly I was drifting
further away from reality. I was pretending to be some
big strong man and trying to act out what I was seeing in
porn. The years of watching porn and seeing how much
the women enjoyed the sex made me wish that I was the
girl. I knew I had an attraction to guys but ignored it for a
few years. I opened up to it and really liked the fantasy of
being a woman being fucked by a guy. I also liked the idea
of doing stuff with guys in real life but wasnt keen on
going through with it so I think porn turned me
somewhat bisexual. Now, I start pretending to be a girl on
18

these sites talking to other men, having heavy sex chats

and getting off on them.
With addiction, you always look for a bigger high and you
use bigger amounts. At the peak of my addiction I could
spend close to twenty hours doing these cybersex chats,
jerking off and not eating because all I wanted to do was
this and not any studying. It got particularly bad where I
was pretending to be a woman, talking with me and
wanting to convince them that I was a real woman, I
went to several pornstars twitter accounts and saved
every picture that looked like it was taken amateurly to
convince others that I was this person. I saved 300 or so
pictures. This continued for a while until I simply became
bored of it. Thats how many of my addictions end or
subside. I get bored but then return.
[edit: decided to delete all the pics I had on my hard drive
and it was 661 which is far worse than I thought]
I also want to say that I never exploited anyone for
money. I could have and its scary how easy it would be,
but for me it was getting off on the fantasy on a one-time
basis with each person that was the high for me.
Im really trying to change, and have only watched porn
twice in the last three months and have become bored of
the cybersex thing. When I look back on the stuff I was
watching and doing, I feel disgusted with myself. Im in
my mid-20s and have never had a real sex life. I invested
so much time in this addiction which I could have
invested in learning a skill or meeting real people. At the

moment I masturbate every few days and have lost a lot

of my sex drive. I really struggle to engage with people
these days.
I know it is a lot to read but I hope that people in their
teenage years or people who are addicted to porn wake
up and realise how damaging it can be. The modern age
of porn is dangerous and worrying. I could write another
long post about it but I would advise you all to put in a bit
of research if you think you have an addiction.

PORNO PERFECTION
Whenever I decide to watch porn, I cant just go on a tube
site, type in a name and have a wank. That is too basic.
What I like to do is have multiple videos of the girl at the
ready to flick between. Sometimes Ill have a video ready
to flick to simply because it contains one position the
other doesnt. I especially like those who do lesbian
scenes as well as boy/girl. I can switch from the sensual
lesbian scene to the bit harder scene depending on the
company the video is from. I generally like to have two
boy/girl scenes and two girl/girl scenes at the ready.
I, at times, can scour the internet in search of the perfect
scene(s) to wank to. Just the other week Id spent so
much time searching and analysing videos to make sure
they were to my standard - and gaining erections and
ejaculation in the process - that when I came to wank I
felt ready to explode almost immediately. After all the
19

preparation it was over in about a minute. That was an

especially disappointing wank given the preparation. I
was left with the feeling of disappointment and
pointlessness rather than joy.
Every single wank is meticulously planned. I often plan
and have the actress in mind the day before the
masturbation takes place.

PUB RUB
My family used to own - and live in - a pub, and one day I
saw a couple of yard glasses and got an idea. The idea
was to hold it a few inches over my penis while I wanked
and see how high up into it I could shoot my load. I ended
up keeping it in my room and quite often, when I wanked,
I would do that. Id use a marker to mark how far I got it
each time. I never reached the very end unfortunately,
but over time I got better at getting it pretty high into it.

SPECIAL SWEETENER
I cant be the only person to have fancied their wifes
sister can I? Last summer when she visited and both she
and my wife were sunbathing in the garden, I was making
the coffees and idly daydreaming about the sister giving
me a BJ, swallowing my love juices. I started wanking,
watching the garden path from the garden fearing Id be
caught. I used a few drops of special sweetener in the

sisters mug. I dont know what I was thinking but I gave

it to her and after a few sips she looked at me, smiled and
told me it was a lovely cup of coffee! Could she taste the
added ingredient? Could she identify it? Nothings been
said but Ive still got a bad feeling about it months later.

SPRAYSTATION
I was around a friends house one day playing a WWF
game on the PlayStation. This particular game had a
rather nice picture of Trish Stratus on one of the loading
screens, so one of the times that it appeared when my
friend was out of the room I had a quick wank.

STAINED UNDERWEAR
Im not too proud of this one, but when I was about 14/15
years old, I was staying at my friends house for a
sleepover. His sister was a couple of years older and fine
as fuck.
She was in the bathroom and I needed to go after her.
When she left the loo, I noticed there was their washing
basket in the corner of the bathroom. I had a quick peek
and noticed some skinny pants that must have been hers.
I sniffed the shit out of them and then wore them over
my face, really taking in and absorbing the smell. One of
them even had some discolouration on them.

20

It cant have been his mums as she was a large gal. I lay
down on the bathroom floor with the stained underwear
over my face and wanked. I then wiped my cum with her
underwear as in my head it meant we were close together
and it would mean our respective liquids had met.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT

I actually thought about this again the other day and
laughed.
My first ever celebrity crush was Katie Price - Im talking
around 2003 time. Although even to this day I still
would, mainly due to her being my first ever celeb crush.
Anyway, I used to fap constantly to her. Bizarrely, I
created a scenario in my head when doing so. That
scenario was that she had taken me away with her to a
secret place just to constantly have sex. We basically ran
away together.
Weirdly, this secret place was a caravan for some reason.
I used to imagine there was a nationwide search on,
looking for me and Id be shagging Katie Price constantly
during it.

WICKED WANKING
When I was about 14, one of my school mates lived across
the street so naturally we hung out a lot.
One fateful afternoon, he was at mine and we went to my
room to watch a film on my super-awesome DVD player.
Just to set the scene, he was lying on my bed as I sat on
the floor because that was my favourite spot in the room.
The film turned out to be a bit dull so we started having
unrelated conversations. The final of those conversations
was about sex and we started talking about how big our
dicks were and how its weird that they expand so much.
Then, out of fucking nowhere, this motherfucker asks
Ive got an erection. Do you mind if I have a wank?. My
awkward as fuck 14-year-old self told him to go for it. He
even had the gall to ask where he should cum but
thankfully I had enough wits about me to make him jizz
in his pants.
Never spoke to him again.

Then one day it just stopped. The fantasy - not the

nationwide search. I have no idea why. Those were good
times though. Not a care in the world. No idea why the
place wasnt any better than a caravan.
21

C HAPTER 5

Mischief

FART IN A CUP
My mother always had a habit of smelling any cups left around the
house to check if they were clean or not. My sister and I used to joke
about it so one day we were sat in the kitchen, I fart in this cup and left
it upside down on the table. A couple of minutes later my mum came in,
picked it up and sniffed. She looked physically sick and threw it across
the room. I got bollocked for it.

FIREWORK
When I was younger, I put a firework through a random houses
letterbox. Turned out a really old man lived there. He had a heart attack
and died the next day.

PISS DRINKER
Around 17 years ago, I was invited to a house party of one of my
cousins. When I got there I was disgusted to see that the majority of
partygoers were made up of the local football and rugby teams which Id
had a few run-ins with over the years.

23

Thought there was going to be trouble as soon as I got

there but my cousin told them to stop growling and being
wankers. Over the next couple of hours I had a right
laugh with a few of them and they thought I was sound. A
few of them even dared to have a go on a few joints of
green at the back door.
Everything was going great... until two young lads from
the rugby team turned up, right off their heads on either
E or speed. Most of the football and rugby heads were not
amused. A lot of shit I had received was because it was
common knowledge I used to get fucked out of my swede
so I thought Id get them back - which I did with
devastating effect.
One of the lads off his nut was saying silly stuff like hed
drink a bottle of fairy liquid for a tenner and let people
kick him in the nuts for 20. His lot were all telling him to
behave and this is where I seized the opportunity. When
the lad left the kitchen, I said to them lets wind him up by
seeing if we could get him to drink a pint of piss and wed
all give him a tenner each. If he said yes, we wouldnt
make him do it but instead take the piss out of him
forever.
It was met with mixed feeling. Some were up for it and
others were against. When he returned I said if he thinks
hes so hard, why not drink piss? He was wasted but still
muttered that he wasnt drinking his own piss. He did say
he would do it if someone else pissed in the glass. From
nowhere, a plastic jug which must have been about 3 or 4
pints was produced from nowhere and in the blink of an

eye 10 lads had their dicks out and were taking it in

turns to slash in the jug. It was filled to the brim and like
an an American frat house comedy, the jocks all started
giving it: Down it! Down it! Down it!.
The wasted lad in question grabbed the job so not to lose
face then unbelievably started to gulp it. Hed downed
about half of the piss and all of his clothes were sopping.
He was coming round and realising what he was doing.
He protested he couldnt do anymore but the meatheads
and footy lot were having none of it and made him finish
every last drop. I was loving this beyond belief! I was
loving it even more when about 20 seconds later he
started puking the lot on the kitchen floor.
The 65 18 stone captain of the rugby team who hadnt
been privy to any of this going on came running into the
kitchen and one smacked the lad into unconsciousness.
He then clocked me and was foaming at the mouth like he
had rabies shouting he was going to kill me. Twice my
size or not, I reminded him of what he was messing with.
I was dead apparently.
It never went any further. Poor pissy never lived it down.
Even though both teams had been instructed to never
mention it again I made sure the tale did the rounds in
the pubs and to a few gobshites from out of town. He was
a laughing stock and left at 17 never to be seen again. I
often wonder if the shame had kept him away or had he
actually drank himself to death with piss. Im available
for parties yall.
24

SHOE PISSER

to everyone. For years he kept accusing me of pissing in

his shoes but he never knew anything about the cock in
mouth thing until one night at a party.

Myself and four other friends had a bit of a party some

years back during a summer filled with booze and music.

It was himself, my mate and a load of women. They were

playing that game where if you had never done
something you had to take a shot of something. My friend
that was with him said take a shot if youve never had a
mans cock in your mouth!. He took a shot and downed
it. My friend looked at him and said What are you doing?
You had a lad in your mouth before. He became furious,
thinking my friend was trying to scupper his chances
with the women until my friend showed him and all the
women the picture.

Anyway, come five in the morning, two of my friends had

gone to bed, one had passed out on the couch while
myself and my other mate were too drunk and far too
giddy to sleep.
Looking for mischief, we went to our friend who had
passed out on the couch. We took his socks off and beat
him across the face with them. My friend got on top of
him and started dry humping him as I videoed it. He
woke up at this point and went mad, throwing his shoes
at us but it wasnt long before he was back asleep and we
were looking for more things to do. We took his clothes
and shoes and soaked them with water but it didnt
satisfy our needs for something funny and controversial
until I had a brainwave...
I noticed that his mouth was wide open while he was
asleep, so I had this idea to put my cock in his mouth and
take a picture. Out came the cock and I was all for doing
it but bottled it at the last moment. Instead, I put it beside
his mouth and the picture made it look like my cock was
in his mouth.

He then rang me, going mad at me and eventually he

calmed down and said Oh look forget it, well let this one
go as long as you didnt piss in my shoes!.

URINE TROUBLE
One night one of our teachers was visiting her boyfriend
in the housing estate where we hung out. We saw her
leave the car and go into the house. One of my mates
seized the opportunity, legged it over to her car and
pissed on the door handle. She came back out 30 seconds
later, put her hand on the door, opened it and drove off.

The next morning, he went mad accusing me of pissing in

his shoes. I obviously hadnt and while he was accusing
me of this I was busy sending the cock in mouth picture
25

C HAPTER 6

Perversions

ARMPIT FETISH
Ive got an armpit fetish. For those of you who arent sure of what the
hell that is, its when you get off at all things womens armpit related. I
just couldnt get enough of them! When I was younger, Id find myself
taking candid pictures of random girls wearing sleeveless tops in the
underground/subway with their arms up holding the railing - armpits
exposed and all. I still do this from time to time but nowhere near as
excessively as I did.
In June last year, me, my girlfriend and her parents went to Phuket for
a short holiday. One particular hot day there as we were out and about
exploring the little shops near our hotel I saw my girlfriends mum
trying to reach something on top of one shelf. If I remember well, she
was trying to reach for a toy elephant that shed like to buy. She
grabbed a stool that was lying around and then continued to manoeuvre
to reach the top shelf but she somehow slipped and me, being the utter
pervert that I am, while simultaneously trying to save her from falling
down to the ground, brought her down safely by holding her armpits
which were soaking wet with sweat (just the way I like them).
After I brought her down I excused myself to go to the toilet. A normal
person would wash their hands immediately but Im not a normal
person so I came charging to the nearest cubicle and wanked furiously

27

while sniffing my own fingers which were lacquered by

my girlfriends mums armpit sweat. I assure you, it
smelled like heaven to me.
My girlfriend, though fully aware of my fetish has no idea
about this incident and I guess it is better to keep it this
way.

ARMPIT FETISH II
A few years back, I went out for dinner one Friday night
at a Korean barbecue place with a group of three friends of the female persuasion - from Uni. I wouldnt call them
close friends but at one time during my Uni days we used
to go out often. Alison, the bubbliest amongst the three,
brought a friend along called Jesslyn.
Now Jesslyn, a sweet young lass of East Asian descent
who at the time had just returned to the city where I live
from her graduate studies in London, was sat opposite
me. It wasnt her obvious intelligence, confidence and
charm which impressed me. It was the fact that she was
wearing a sleeveless light blue top and that both her
armpits were gushing with sweat, forming two large
half-moon shaped sweat stains in the underarm area of
her top.
As the night grew older and our conversation intensified,
so did the sweating under her arms as her armpit stains
grew bigger and bigger. If any of you are familiar with the
concept of Korean barbecue, youd know that you cook

your meat at the table on a gas grill that is built into the
table. At one point, as Jesslyn was cooking her slices of
meat sitting opposite to her, I could see droplets of sweat
dripping from her right armpit to the table. She was
aware of this and immediately grabbed a tissue to
surreptitiously wipe the sweat under her right arm. What
an awesome sight that was.
After dinner, we went to a whisky bar nearby to enjoy the
night some more. There, I couldnt hold myself any
longer. The mixture of alcohol and my perverse mind had
taken hold of my common sense so I asked Jesslyn, who I
presumed was also under the influence of alcohol, about
her armpits - and her response to my question was
startling, to say the least: I know, right? I sweat a lot
under my arms and I dont know why and I dont care. I
promise you they dont stink, you can smell them if you
dont believe me!.
My God. I took that opportunity like my life depended on
it. I grabbed her by the hand, dragged her to the
bathroom then proceeded to lift her arms - pinning her
against the wall - to sniff and lick her soaking wet
armpits, left and right, alternately. Whilst wanking
simultaneously, I can assure you it was the closest thing
to heaven I could think of. She was in heaven too - she
was busy fingering herself during the process. Also,
contrary to her claims her armpits did stink.
I remember going home that night to my girlfriends lap
like nothing happened. To this day it was the only time I
28

cheated on her because Im fairly sure that devouring a

womans armpits other than your girlfriends constitutes
as cheating.

ARSELICKER
When I was around 17/18 and started getting into the
habit of sleeping around, I remember staying at this
bints flat one night after a night of booze.
She had a really cute butt and for some reason in the
morning when she was still asleep (naked), I had a weird
urge to open up her butt cheeks and give her anus a quick
little lick.
I placed my hands on her butt cheeks and spread them
open. What greeted me was a spider web of hair and
grease and a little squint of an anus almost looking at me
and winking back at me. I leant forward and just gave it a
really quick and brief lick. It didnt taste of much but
what started off as a quick lick turned into me burrowing
my tongue as deep into her anus as possible. I even
curled the tip of my tongue inside to see if I could collect
anything.
Obviously this woke her up and after a bit of
awkwardness she asked me what I was doing. I just gave
her a shrug with my tongue still buried somewhere in her
arsehole and she then asked me to stop.

Anyway, I enjoyed it and since then have made it my

calling card to give the girls Im with a lick/clean the
morning after before I leave. Oh, and for anyone that
thinks its unhygienic, Ive started keeping a few wet
wiped you get at chicken shops on my person so I can
give them a quick clean before my tongue gets involved.

CHICKEN DICKING
When I was 12, a girl I liked asked me to go to the local
caf and buy her a chicken burger so I did. But on the
way back I went into some bushes and rubbed my dick all
over the chicken.

CREAMPIE CONFESSOR
I have always had a bit of a creampie fetish and love
watching porn of it and doing it to girls. However, Ive
always wondered what it feels like to happen to you and
being a straight guy Im obviously not going to get
another guy to do it to me.
So when I was younger I came into a jar and used a
syringe to suck it up and squirt it up my ass then Id
wank as I felt it drip out.
Havent done it for years but it was a thing for me for a
while.

29

DOGGY DELIGHT

HELL-BENT HELMETING

I have had sex with a couple of dogs. It started when I

was 10 and took it for the first time when I was 16. I used
to just blow/jerk them off and use the copious cum to play
with - I used to do it to friends dogs when I had a chance.
I havent had a chance in several years but I still get
horny when my girlfriend roughhouses with a dog.

You know how dogs like pissing on things to mark their

territory? I have something similar but it is not pissing. I
like touching things - especially new or precious things with my helmet.

FOUL TOWEL

At home its not an issue. The important items have been

marked and when something has had the treatment I
rarely get the urge to do it again. New things come in
gradually and it is easy to stay on top of things. It gets a
bit busy after Christmas and I feel guilty sometimes
when doing it to stuff that doesnt actually belong to me
but I make sure my dick is nice and clean.

I do this every day - often more than once. I always feel

shame as I do it but I do it anyways. I dont enjoy it, it is
just laziness beyond belief. I dont know when it started,
just that Ive been doing it for years.
Every time I go for a piss at home/someone elses house,
Ill wipe my dick on the hand towel after. Ill pull the
foreskin back and brush it on the towel, just to make sure
nothing else is trapped.
Ive even done this quite a lot of times with sperm. For
that, I at least attempt to rid of all using a tissue but you
never can and a towel seems the best bet.
The thing is, I have my own towel in my room - at least
nobody uses it but me. That takes effort and Id have a
slightly wet penis on the three step walk from my
bathroom to my bedroom to achieve that. Not sure what
else to say really.

If we get something new - like a new vase or mirror - I feel

an urge to touch it with my penis. Just a gentle prod.

The real problem comes when I go to other peoples

houses. If Im there for one night and I drink quite a bit I
can usually resist. But if Im finding it hard to sleep I keep
thinking about it. Its like those gleaming new items are
calling to me and when Im sure everyone is asleep I have
to creep downstairs and get to work. I have been known
to spend more than half an hour going through peoples
houses in the middle of the night, prodding things with
my helmet.

30

PISSING PLEASURE
I love listening to the sound of women pissing. Not the sound of it hitting
the water but that initial sound when it has just started to come out kind of like a swishing as the first drops touch the dry skin.
At work, the toilet is shared and the cubicles are pretty flimsy. When a
female member goes for a piss I sometimes go in just after them so I can
listen.

POO PLEASURE
One day I saw some people online talking about anal sex and how good it
feels. I had never tried it as Im straight and have never thought about
shoving anything up there but realised how good it feels when you have
a shit so I assumed the feeling of anal sex was just like having a shit in
reverse.
The next time I went to the toilet I slightly clenched as it was coming
out to prolong the feeling and to be honest it felt really good. Over the
next few weeks, any time I had a crap I did the same but as time went
on I started being able to clench in such a way that I was able to reverse
the poo coming out, so any time I did a particularly long one I would let

31

it come out most of the way and then contract my

muscles to pull it back in and so on. The feeling was
amazing. I assume it is similar to what a dick/dildo feels
like as there is quite a bit of similarity in shape.
I havent done this in years as the novelty wore off and I
was tired of spending half an hour in the toilet each time,
but I would recommend trying it to anyone - as weird as
it all sounds.

PUBE PERV
When I was younger (in my teens), I used to have this
weird habit. If I developed a crush or liked a girl, Id leave
a few pubes on her books or desk she was sitting at. 90%
of the time they would just look like innocent little curly
hairs of unknown origin.
I dont know why I did this. I think my justification was
that an intimate part of me was with the girl I liked for a
brief moment in time and wed always have that moment.
There were a few conditions:
1. They were always from my pelvic region. Armpit hairs
for a woman I like is a bit weird.
2. The girls would have to wipe them off with their bare
hand. If she didnt, Id have to go through the process
again otherwise it doesnt count.

3. If I really liked the girl, she would get more pelvic

pubic hairs.
A part of me imagined holding them in my palm and
blowing them on her as she ran towards me but I could
never conduct this fantasy out in the open.

REMOTE CONTROL CONUNDRUM

I was visiting people in another area and was on my way
back - about a ten hour drive. I stopped to have supper at
a little place on the edge of a very small town. I started
chatting with another couple that was there having
supper and we had more than a few beers while we were
chatting.
Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hotel that was right
next to the place I was having supper at and it was the
next morning. I was lying on the floor along with the
couple I was chatting with the night before and we were
all naked. I started to get dresses and they woke up and
they were just as confused as I was. The remote for the
television was covered in shit and to be honest I dont
know whose ass it had been in. Not a lot was said and we
all got dressed and left and I didnt lose any cash and the
room wasnt charged to me.
I still have no idea what happened that night and I would
be lying if I said I know a remote has never been in my
ass.
32

SEAT SNIFFER

WILLY WHIFFER

I like to sniff other peoples bike seats. The quicker I can

do it after the leave, the better. It is a rush for me and I
particularly like blondes.

Does anyone else love the smell of their own penis? The
bellend in particular. I love getting my fingers deep under
the sweaty foreskin, wiping it dry and then smelling my
fingers. It smells divine. My girlfriend caught me once
doing it saying Did you just scratch your willy and then
smell it?. She was a bit weirded out but I just said no I
was scratching my nose. She didnt sound convinced. I do
it all the time - 3 or 4 times a day Id say.

I will wait in a public place for my target and scope out

the area. I then pretend Im Solid Snake from Metal Gear
and tactically sneak up to the seat. Once there I take a
good sniff for up to five seconds. Ive been almost caught
a few times so I pretend to have dropped something.
Ive told a few people about this and they tell me St***,
youre messed up but honestly I dont care.

SUPERFANNY
Ive always had a thing for Jo Frost - otherwise known as
Supernanny. I know shes not the most attractive and
wouldnt be everyones cup of tea but my God she looks
like shed be a right filthy shag!
I think about the way she tells those kids and parents off
but doing it to me in bed. Shed be saying Stand in the
corner you naughty boy! and Id be going No, please
Supernanny I want your Superfanny!. Total filthbag.

33

C HAPTER 7

Random

ANIMAL
When I was a kid, Id run up the stairs on all fours using my hands to
help climb and propel my forward - just like an animal. Im in my
thirties now, live alone and still do it every day. Nobody is going to stop
me from doing it.

ARSON
I burnt down a neighbours garage when drunk for a laugh. The fire
brigade came because paint pots blew or something started exploding
and the firemen had to push the car out of the garage so it didnt blow
up.

ASIAN APATHY
I just dont find Asian girls physically attractive. Theres really no
reason to it. I just do not find them good looking.
I do reckon people may kick up a fuss at me but Im being honest. It isnt
a racial thing or that I dont think theyre nice people or anything, Ive
just never thought that any Asian girl is good looking. I think everyone

35

has a type. Yes, its a generalisation but different

cultures, bloodlines and evolution has produced a world
where people from different countries or continents will
have a look.
Its like me. I generally find English, Irish and Italian
girls very good lucking. Even Eastern European - they
have features I find attractive whereas Asians just dont.
It makes sense to me and clearly a few others but Im
sure some wouldnt understand. Honestly, it is nothing
more than I just dont find Asian girls attractive.

BOTTOM BURP BREAKUP

A few years ago I was dating this girl. She was very sweet
and everything looked good so I thought this might be the
real deal. One night we were watching a movie at her
place and she went to the bathroom. I hit the pause
button so she wouldnt miss too much of the film and then
heard a giant wet fart sound from the bathroom.
It disturbed me so much that I promptly broke up with
her a few days later. We still live in the same small town
and the sound keeps replaying in my head every time I
see her.

BULLY
TL;DR: Got sent to my cousins like a cuckoo. Like a
cuckoo I sapped every iota of energy and goodness they
had.
When I was 5-years-old, my dad walked out on me and
my mum. I think he mostly worked as a Lorry driver,
though years later he told me he did any work that came
his way. One night he went away on a trip and never
came back.
By the time I was 11, I was getting bullied because my
dad wasnt there. Back in those days everyone had a
mum and a dad. Perhaps now it is different. Me and my
mum were poor. She worked as a waitress and made very
little money. I remember some nights the lights went off
and didnt come on again until days later. She didnt eat
much.
I begun acting out at school and started getting into
fights. The first time I punched someone properly I was
getting bullied because my dad wasnt there. Mum had
just started seeing someone else and the kids (who were
all older than me) were making fun of that. One of the
kids had actually invited me over to their house along
with other mates. It started off okay but soon they were
all calling me names and then the lead bully started
pushing me. He mentioned my mum so I hit him and he
cried.
36

When I was a bit older, I was playing near my school and

this little gang of older kids came up to me. I was alone
because everyone my age had gone home but I had
nobody at home as mum was working. They started
calling me names. I tried to stand up for myself and soon
we were fighting - 5 vs. 1. They beat the fuck out of me.
Someone found me and called an ambulance. My mum
got called away from work and cried when she saw me.
She asked me how long this had gone on for and I said a
long time. She didnt understand how she didnt know.
She asked me who the kids were and I said it didnt
matter. The whole school hated me. My mum was pretty
low at that point - she could barely afford to feed me. I
was sent to live with my cousins.
We are getting to the point of the confession.
My cousins were rich. Not as rich as some but to me they
were like princes and princesses. Rich to the point where
they could buy the latest video game console, break it
and buy another one. Rich to the point that their dad
seemed to have a new sports car every other year. When
they started driving, their parents bought them new
cars. They could do whatever they wanted.
And so, I begun picking on them. To be honest, I barely
realised I was doing it. My cousin who was closest in age
to me - he was a lot smaller than me and a lot less
athletic. Every chance I got I would bully him. Not
physically, but emotionally. I thought he was lazy, stupid,
selfish and undeserving. Whenever we were alone, I

would call him names. I would make fun of him in front of

all his friends and in front of all mine too. When I got a
girlfriend, I made fun of the fact that he would never get
one. Every day I would bully him, just like I had been
bullied. He was my best friend. I stole money from him, I
took the piss out of him and he was always there for me.
He always defended me.
One day, my dad turned up and then he left again, just
like that. I cried and he and his dad were there for me.
They were always there for me.
Now, I am successful, relatively rich and have a great
family of my own. He isnt doing as well and I dont speak
to him much.

DRUG COURIER
For a period of 18 months from 19 to 21-years-old I was a
drug courier. I held down a normal job but once every
fortnight I made a day trip to London.
A day in the life:
Catch the National Express to London early in the
morning and sleep on the coach. Arrive at Victoria and
immediately head to the Victoria Caf for breakfast.
Finish up, and then get the underground to Tottenham,
meeting Turkish B at his fried chicken shop. Pick up
100g of heroin and spend an hour smoking shisha in the
back room while eating shitty processed chicken.
37

Once done in Tottenham, Id then head to Bethnal Green

to pick up 50g of rock from a Trinidadian guy called
Junior (got to love stereotypes). Junior was a nice guy apart from the class A. Wed smoke sensi and listen to
Soca (it was big back then).
Finally, around 3 p.m. Id make my way to Kingston Uni
to see friends from my hometown. To this day not a single
person knew why I came to London every two weeks - not
even my best friends in Uni. Id chill with them and get
the 7 p.m. coach back home.
How it all ended:
I was heading for a bit set-up - three events in the span of
two weeks finally ended my career. I was spring
cleaning my flat one day when I found some rock the size
of a golf ball hidden under my bed (I never kept any
drugs at my place). I told the guy who I worked for and
he wasnt surprised. He mumbled something about
forgetting it and thanked me.
A few days later there was banging on my front door at 2
a.m. It turned out to be a couple of smackheads who then
proceeded to plead with me for some drugs. How the fuck
they knew that I had something to do with drugs freaked
me out. I called Z (the person I worked for), he came
down and got rid of the two guys. I asked him how they
knew but he just fobbed me off.
The following week while in London, Junior told me that
Z was setting me up to take the fall if anything were to

happen. I decided there and then that I was done with

moving consignment. I asked B to break Zs legs for me
as a final favour - which I later heard he did.
I am married with children now, hold a respectable job
and that 18 months of my life is forever gone. Nobody
knows what I did back then and I am ashamed. I probably
fucked up so many lives in my need to be a gangster. I
pray for forgiveness each day.

FIRED
I was once fired from a job because I vacuumed the entire
shop floor without switching the vacuum on.

FREQUENT FARTER
I averaged 6 farts an hour. It was tough but I was an
expert at leaving the proximity just as I let one rip.
Once, it was more than a problem of gas. I needed to do
one. So I scurried to the cubicle and relieved myself.
Nobody would realise its me. There was a staff notice to
identify the troublemaker referred to as Fartacus.
Ten minutes after I did my business a colleague gave me
a look of disgust as she dashed off to use the sick bucket.
Later, I found a sweetcorn was visible in the faeces which
didnt flush properly. I was the only one who ate
sweetcorn with their lunch.
38

HOMELESS

Eight days ago I lost my home. None of my family know.

I got into 12k mortgage arrears and instead of dealing with it I buried
my head in the sand. Everything I own is in my car which is pretty
fucked up - but not as fucked up as having to tell a family member that I
may have lost her a huge amount of money that she lent me as a
deposit.
Suicide was considered.

INGROWN
I love finding, picking and tweezing my ingrown hairs. I love seeing how
big they can be under the surface. I shave sometimes just as a means to
allow my ingrown hairs to develop.
I am obsessed with the ones mostly on my face. I found those that
develop on my cheeks and on the underbelly of my chin are usually the
best.
Sometimes the ones that develop in the pubic region can be the best,
though I do avoid using a razor down there. Popping the skin and seeing
the hair appear when looking in the mirror brings me so much

39

happiness - and then pulling the thing out and taking a

rough measurement is great. It is my own freakish
science experiment.

INSHITIATION CEREMONY
When I was still in the boy scouts, we would go out on
camp once a year. I must have been around 10 at the
time.
On one of those camps, we had a sort of exclusive club of
boys which you could only become a member of if you
went into a part of the woods with them, dropped your
pants and took a shit in front of them.
The staff was very pissed off when they learned of this
and I remember thinking there was nothing wrong with
it.
Now that Ive gotten older, I realise that the whole situation was quite messed up.

KILLER IN THE MAKING

making sure that you covered your tracks and left no

evidence at all. Nothing sexual in the act, just knowing
that by taking out one of those select few people, you will
be ridding the world of someone worthless.

MERMAID
I have a problem when it comes to women. Whenever I
see a new woman I havent seen before, one of the first
things I do is imagine what theyd look like as a mermaid.
Im not sure how this started. I did find the film Splash
creepy when I was younger, so I think it may have
started from that.
If the woman looks to me like she would make a rather
convincing mermaid, then I get put off immediately as Ill
get a bit weirded out whenever I see her. It doesnt
matter how attractive she is - if she would make a good
mermaid I cant get that image out of my head.

NAZI JOGGER

I have always wanted to kill somebody. I think somebody

mentioned in jest that they wanted to but I often
wondered how fun it would be.

Sometimes I like to listen to the speeches of Adolf Hitler

for motivation. Not necessarily because I agree with what
hes saying, but because I get a tremendous buzz from his
passion.

Imagine if you hated a bunch of people so much that you

wanted to stalk them and take them out one by one -

Often, I will listen to them when working out on my own,

and there have even been occasions when Ive been
40

exercising in public (running etc.) while secretly

listening to the Fhrer in my earphones. The people I
pass see a calm and respectable gentleman going for a
morning run, but what they dont know is that on the
inside I am burning with an intense sense of passion as I
listen to Nazi rhetoric.
It really is quite remarkable when you try to put yourself
in the position of an ordinary German citizen or member
of the armed forces during World War II and try to
imagine how they must have felt when listening to their
leader talk about national salvation. Again, I am
certainly not sympathetic to any of the nasty views of
Hitler or National Socialism - just an admirer of its
political art in the form of speeches.

NOMAD
I am a nomad with many faces and I have told many lies.
Years have passes and my lies have seeded. Characters
have grown and friendships forged predicated on a
network of engineered moments. I am trapped in a
catacomb of deception - but it is a cage I have built
knowing what it would become with every action and I
know how it will end. A legacy will be discovered and no
matter what it leaves in its wake, it will be a legacy.
There are two years remaining.

PAPAS PAL AND THE PANTS PROBLEM

TL;DR: I got caught with my pants down.
The most embarrassing situation that ever happened to
me was when a friend of my dads came to our house. My
dad wasnt at home but this friend had come a long way
and it had been a while since he had visited so I insisted
he come in anyway.
I was in my late teens then. I dont remember what we
talked about but I think I made a good impression
because as he rose to leave, he extended his hand and
told me how I had grown into a fine young man. As I got
up to shake his hand and say goodbye - feeling rather
proud, I must add - the lace holding my pants at the waist
broke and they fell to my ankles.
I wasnt wearing any underwear, my junk was in the open
and I left his extended hand hanging for quite a while as I
fumbled to pick up my pants and secure them in place
with my left hand before I could shake his hand.

PLANE FOR PLEASURE

I really want to see a plane crash. I dont want to see
people die, I just want to see it crash. If it was an empty,
remote controlled one but still full size it would be
perfect. I have dreams where planes will crash and it
feels so exciting. Not in a good way but the rush I feel is
amazing.
41

PSYCHO
A few years ago, I went on a trip with four mates to a
countryside resort that shall remain nameless. I wont
tell you their real names, so Ill just make up some for
you as the story goes on, but needless to say that none of
us talk to each other anymore - well, those of us that are
still alive anyway.
Neil and Barry had brought a bunch of dumb foods and a
ton of booze. I know it sounds weird but we decided to go
for a theme so we had things like penny chews, rice
pudding, custard and whatnot.
The secret part of the story happened when Paul - the
youngest in the group - started to make fun of Terry for
being in the closet. He didnt think that we all knew he
was gay, but the signs were pretty obvious and he had
turned up to the trip with this rather feminine carry bag.
Now, Dave and I didnt have a problem with Terrys
sexuality (why the fuck would we? If the guy was happy
then whats the problem?) but Paul was a raging
homophobe (and clearly in the closet himself). They had
a big argument when Terry confronted him before
storming off to be by himself for a while, leaving his bag
by the fire.
This is when Paul did something that, had we known at
the time what would happen next, we would have tried to
stop him. He grabbed the big tin of custard and poured it

right into Terrys bag. Barry started laughing like an

arsehole and went looking for more stuff to pour in the
bag and came back with a big grin on his face when he
had found another tin of custard. Paul started pouring
custard into the bag again when Terry came back and
went mental.
He ran straight after Paul and chased him around the
field but because the whole thing happened near a hill
edge, Paul lost his footing a little bit and fell down. Out of
nowhere, Terry rugby tackled him and sent Paul flying.
He ended up cracking his head on a rock pretty badly and
lost consciousness. Terry ran up and kept punching Paul,
smashing his head against the rock and spitting at him.
He kept shouting goodbye you fucker over and over for
about five minutes. He looked totally fucking insane.
Barry panicked, got in Neils car and fucked off. Me and
Dave just stood there and I think I was the one who called
for an ambulance because Dave was in such a state that
all he could keep saying was oh shit over and over.
Anyway, after a few days in hospital Paul regained his
senses but couldnt remember a thing. We told the police
that it had been an accident because Terry threatened
us. I know we should have told the truth but we were
scared and now we know someone who is a psycho who
tried to kill someone over a stupid prank.
We should go to the police but one of our friends - Barry died under suspicious circumstances a few months ago
and were afraid Terry had something to do with it.
42

RAPPER

When Im bored I like to play around and make rap lyrics. Here is my
latest:
Blastin dem cats they dont have a clue,
sniffin too much glue,
theyre completely out in the blue,
fuck em try, to talk a day in my shoe,
Gangsta like a Brunswick stew
I like to think that I have a gift.

RED FACES AND SHOELACES

When I was 8 or 9 I always went to this girls house down the street and
we would usually role play or get naked under a blanket and kick each
others feet.
The most memorable moment that sticks in my mind is when we were
in her room and she was being a school teacher and told me I had to
stand in the corner with my trousers down. She got naked under a
blanket and was scolding me. I was getting a bit of a semi when her dad

43

opened the door to ask if we wanted any juice. He saw me

in the corner and screamed at me to get out. I was only 8
so I pulled up my pants and just stood there. He gripped
me and pulled me out of the room down the stairs before
he realised I had no shoes on so he took a breath, got my
shoes and I had to stand there on the stairs in the most
awkward silence ever as he put my shoes on and tied my
laces for me.

REFLEXES
My reflexes are insane. I drop stuff all the time - plates,
cutlery, bottles and whatever. Its like a curse. I drop
stuff and then react at impossible speeds and either
catch it outright or juggle it. Ill drop a plate, raise my
foot up and kill the speed of the fucking plate instantly
just like Juan Mata would a football. Then, Id lower my
foot a bit and balance it where I then pick it up, all before
I can think of doing anything. It is like my body is slightly
behind real time and can react to things like the slow-mo
bit from Max Payne. Im not Max Payne - I do know that but it does sort of feel like a power.

amazing and generous Father Christmas was, and how

their favourite presents were the ones in their stockings
started to make me jealous.
There was no gratitude for me so I thought: That fat
piece of shit. Who does he think he is? Im not going to all
these lengths just so he can take the credit and I dont get
so much as a thank you. So, I started increasing the
ratio of nuts and satsumas and decreasing the ratio of
presents until by the time the kids were 6 and 8 they
barely talked about Father Christmas anymore.
At first, they thought it was because they had been
naughty. I dont know what they think now but they still
get decent presents under the tree. Its just that I can be
sure that they will know it is me who got them.
I sometimes kid myself it is about honesty and not
wanting to dupe them with a load of quasi-religious,
superstitious nonsense but it is not really. Its about
jealousy.

SOMETHING TO DIE FOR

SHIT STOCKINGS

I was driving up the mountains in western Norway when

I saw some people standing by the road.

I intentionally give my kids shit stockings at Christmas

because I cant stand the idea of Santa taking the credit
for all the hard work I do picking nice gifts for them. I
used to, but then listening to them fawning over how

I wanted to show them how cool I was so I turned up the

volume on the song I was listening to - window open of
course.
44

When I passed them, I saw that they were standing by

some flowers and candles so they were probably
mourning a relative or friend that had died in a car crash
there.
That is when I noticed what song was on: Lamb of God Now youve got something to die for...

STRANDED
Once, a long time ago, a friend and I were stranded in a
big city. We were 16/17 at the time, on our own and trying
to find a way home. We didnt want to get our parents
involved as they told us not to go on this trip in the first
place. We were both from small towns and the city we
were in is big so we were pretty scared.
It was in the summer and on a Friday night and we were
trying to get to the bus station. We had to walk over this
bridge that went over railroad tracks and it was a pretty
high bridge. Towards the top, we see a guy walking alone
towards us and my friend told me not to look at him
when we passed. He stopped right before we were about
to pass and pulled out a knife. My friend, without saying
anything, just rammed his shoulder into the guy and
knocked him off the bridge. We ran down the other side
and never went to see if he was alive or not.
We ended up having to call our parents that night and got
plane tickets and flew home. We never spoke of it again
and this is the first time Ive told this story but it feels

good to say it. I often wonder what happened to him even now - and it has been a long time.

TV
The fourth series of my Sci-Fi spectacular has just
finished on the Fox Network. Its called Star Trek:
Guardian. Never heard of it? Maybe thats because it is in
my head, but sometimes I like to pretend that a few
episodes have gone by since I last thought about it and I
picture the stories and character arcs in my head.
I have to admit that it is probably the best thing Ive seen
since my other show which is actually just a ripoff of
Deus Ex: Himan Revolution, but imagined as a ten part
miniseries on HBO with Timothy Olyphant in the starring
role. Apparently my directing abilities are so good that
many critics say Im to than for his stellar performance.
It isnt like my own life isnt exciting because it actually
is. I just think that everything on TV is shit and I spend a
lot of time daydreaming.

TWIZZLER TROVE
When Jamie Oliver had his campaign to get rid of Turkey
Twizzlers, I used to love them so much that I bought a big
chest freezer to put in my shed and went to 6

45

supermarkets, buying all their stock to fill the freezer. It

took me three years to get through that supply.
With the recent news about processed meats increasing
cancer, I am a little concerned but it was totally worth it
and I wish I had some left.

VOICES
I have never told anybody this, in fear of admitting to
being a possibly psycho or being made to have treatment
mentally. Doesnt happen much these days but definitely
years ago when I was in my late teens.
I started smoking weed - as you do - and every time I
smoked way too much at night and tried to sleep I would
hear voices. This scared the shit out of me. Id have to
listen to music to sleep for months although it might have
only been when I was stoned - I cant remember.

crowd noise in a way. It doesnt worry me anymore but

when I was younger I was truly terrified that I was going
insane.

WATER BALLOONS
One time when I was in Blackpool, I snuck out early from
the hotel while my then missus was still asleep for a
quick smoke (she didnt know I smoked). As I smoked up
the road from the hotel, four lads in a car drove round
the corner and threw water balloons at me as they
shouted Haha! Fucking wanker. Knobhead! and then
sped off. I walked back to the hotel - soaked. My missus
asked me where I was and I said I went for a walk and
told her it started to rain. I was too embarrassed to say I
got owned.

It was usually bearing conversations - mumbling of

speech between people. Sometimes it was my mums
voice. Sometimes it would sound like someone shouted
and Id open my eyes thinking What the fuck?. I
obviously didnt do anything about it and feared it would
get worse but it has pretty much gone away.
I read somewhere that there is a condition where people
hear stuff in their head. A woman, for example, couldnt
stop hearing a nursery rhyme in her head every second
of the day. These voices I heard never spoke to me. It was
46

C HAPTER 8

RedCafe

AM I GAY?
Okay, so this is a little weird.
I am a straight guy. Always have been. Ive been with plenty of women
over the years and have never had any gay thoughts or feelings towards
another male.
As I got more involved with RedCafe, I started looking at the I want
your pics thread, and through the years there has always been one
contributor who I am very attracted to.
It started off just by looking at him and thinking that he looks nice, but
now Ive ended up saving all of his photos to my desktop. Ive even
masturbated a few times thinking of him and looking at his pics.
He has no idea and he is the only guy that Ive done this over. I know
this sounds weird but I really dont know what to do. Ive always been a
mans man type of guy. If my girlfriend found out shed leave me and
like I said: I dont really find other guys attractive. Its only him.
Am I gay?

48

CAFCHAT

The worst part of my week is the time equidistant

between games. This is when caf activity is slowest and it
feels like all my friends are giving me the cold shoulder.

I once met a caf member and his hot girlfriend on a night

out and somehow managed to get his missus Snapchat. I
stupidly sent her a dick pic once while drunk and she
replied. She now sends me the odd pic of her tits. Theyre
awesome.

Sometimes I will just sit and refresh the main forum

window continuously, waiting for a new message to be
posted.

CAFTARD STALKER
When I first joined RedCafe and was pretty obsessed with
it, I found as many posters as I could who lived in my
area and gave enough information to find their
Facebooks, then one night one of them posted a status
about heading to a club I knew. I followed them and once
inside I just stood near them for most of the night trying
to listen to their conversations with their friends before
eventually leaving without saying anything.

COLD SHOULDER

Im an older guy and dont really have any friends

anymore. My only family is a sister who I havent seen
for 20 years. I dont really support United and am not a
huge football fan, but always hope that they win so I can
join in the celebrations in the United forums.

DISTANT FRIENDS
Sometimes when I look in the pics thread, I imagine what
it would be like to be friends with that person and come
up with things that we might do together. At times I have
even come up with things we might say to each other.
Also, when watching TV if someone says something
funny, Ill pretend that Im with other people and then
repeat the funny line as if its something Ive thought up
myself. I also do this with football commentary. If they
say something which other people agree with. Ill repeat
it so that it feels like theyre agreeing with me.

INNER CIRCLE
I hate how I will never be part of that inner circle of
people on the caf who interact and talk like old mates. I
have no friends and I could really need it, but I just dont
have the personality for it. I dont blame anyone but
myself, but it still sucks.
49

IRISH INVENTION
Top of the morning to you!
Well, thats what I might say if I was actually Irish. People
know me on here as one of the more prominent Irish
posters on here. The truth is: Im as English as they
come. I even have an England flag tattooed on my chest!
I just wanted to fit in when I first started on here and
noticed there were a lot of Irish posters on the caf. When
asked, I said I was from Ireland and it just carried on
from there. Its gotten out of hand, Ive been living this
RedCafe lie for many years now and Im too embarrassed
to say Im not Irish.
Feels good to get it off my chest even if I do have to go
back to my lie.
Up Robbie Keane! Go the hurling!

LIAR LIAR
I get almost all my movie and TV reviews for RedCafe off
other forums and IMDB and have barely seen anything I
review. I post them quite regularly. I like the idea of
watching them but cant be bothered.

MAKE-BELIEVE MEMENTO
I thought long and hard about owning up to this, because
looking back I count this as one of - if not the most -
embarrassing thing Ive ever done.
I won a RedCafe award a few years ago and had myself a
trophy made. I had it engraved too and it cost me 12.
I dont really know why I did it. I have loads of crappy
trophies from football and other sports.
Please dont judge me too harshly.

SOUND SPITE
I dont like music. Its shit. I pretend to like some on
RedCafe but dont like any of it. Unlike most sound, it is
often too loud and really annoying.
I sometimes wish civilisation would collapse so people
didnt have the electricity to play it near me.

SUBMISSIVE SOUL
When I got rebuked in the United forum I used to see if
they had pictures of themselves online (Caf/Facebook/
Twitter search). I would take those pictures and scribble
50

on them rude words and insults to try and get back at them.
Its strange but I used to get a thrill from it. Then I used to look forward
to getting insulted so I could go and find their pictures and stick it to
them.
Firstly, Im not gay, but one day when scribbling I got around and had to
masturbate. This began to happen more and more regularly and it got to
the point that I would get aroused by being insulted or belittled on the
caf.
Its not reached the stage where when someone insults me I save their
picture and insult in a file and when its time to wank I bring them up
together and imagine them insulting me in person. I even sometimes
post stupid stuff looking for insults.
The best time was when someone made a thread about one of my posts
and everyone piled in on me. I had about eight photos open altogether.
I dont do this with female posters though. Not because Im gay, but
because I respect women too much.

51

VOODOO

There was an Admin who used to fuck around with a lot

of posters when I was in the newbies. One day I became
the butt of his joke because of something I said in another
thread. I never lived it down and became known for
something stupid all because of him. I felt like nobody
took me seriously anymore and the forum experience
changed.

YOUNGER COUSIN

Im actually the younger cousin of a footballer who has

played for Manchester United. Im going to leave it
ambiguous as I dont want anybody to know, but the
majority of my posts (90%) have been spent discrediting
him and telling RedCafe users why hes shit as Im
secretly jealous of his success. He may have left the team
recently so Ill keep it vague and leave that unconfirmed.

I used to pray before I would go to bed that something

really bad would happen to him and he would never come
back on here and maybe one day things would go back to
normal.
Anyway, years later I think something did happen and I
feel kind of bad about it now. Ive grown up a bit and can
accept I probably wasnt a good poster then anyway.
I feel pretty bad these days as I heard from another
poster who talks to him that he is in bad shape so now I
send a friendly prayer every night for his return to
health - and to posting.

52

C HAPTER 9

Revenge

ARSEHOLE
My sister and I never got on when growing up and shed frequently play
the whole little girl victim card whenever we fell out. So for years - well
into my teens - I would nip off to her bedroom and rub both sides of her
pillow on my arsehole. Really get into the cracks, along the gooch and
maybe a bit of sack thrown in for good measure. Then Id give myself a
grin later that night thinking of her pressing her face against it. I regret
nothing.

CARSHITTER
When we were 17, my best mate and I had weekend jobs working nights
until midnight. One weekend, some of our friends decided to have a
weed session and invited my friend and I over after work. We both went
to the designated house - it was on pretty big grounds (the driveway
was over 200 metres long) - we parked up and proceeded to the two
floor pool house where our friend lived. We saw that the lights were on
in the top floor so we started to pelt little stones at the window to get
their attention (keep in mind it was around 1 a.m. and before mobile
phones).

54

The cunts wouldnt open the door and we were getting

really pissed. We had been looking forward to getting
stoned all night and the fact nobody was opening the door
led us to believe that they purposely were taking the piss.
After about half an hour we decided to head back to the
car and eat the munchies we had bought. While walking
back we spotted one of our other friends car parked up
(Fiesta XR2). I knew how to get into this car without the
keys because the owner had showed me once. We decided
to sit in his car and eat the food. Upon finishing the food
my friend decided he wanted to poo. I told him that the
best place would be inside the XR2 because the greedy
bastards were denying us weed. We both shat inside the
car (me in the front and him in the back) - two really big
logs.
We finished up, locked the car and headed into town in
our own car. We arrived at around 3 a.m., almost
everywhere was shut so we headed to the snooker club.
We walk into the club as our greedy friends were exiting
the club. We are both shocked (shit, they were never
home in the first place!). Our friends apologised and said
they forgot to mention they were coming into town. They
then proceed to ask us for lifts back to the house where
we can start smoking the herb. We took everyone back
including the owner of the XR2. When we got back we
dropped them off, made excuses and left without
smoking (both of us felt very guilty).

FRIENDLY SABOTAGE
A friend of mine that I knew since primary school moved
away when we were about 14. When we were in our late
twenties, he wanted to move back to the town he used to
live in where I still lived. He didnt have any family left
there and so I offered to let him stay at my place for a few
months while he got himself sorted out with somewhere
to live.
He arrived and it was all going perfectly. He fit right back
in as if hed never been away and he was getting along
really well with the other friends I now had. This is where
the problems began. I became incredibly jealous that he
and my friends were getting on so well. It seemed like
after knowing him for just five minutes, everyone started
acting as if he was their friend. Their friend that they had
known since childhood and he was lapping it up acting
like he loved everyone. What about me? Nobody seemed
to want to spend time with me anymore. Id go to work,
ask someone if they wanted to go and get a drink or go for
a chat but they had already made plans with him.
Obviously I was always welcome to join them but I
couldnt. I couldnt stand to sit there and watch them
getting on so well, constantly laughing with each other.
This went on for months until I couldnt stand it any
longer.
I had to do something, so I started telling people the
reasons why he left in the first place. He got expelled
55

for exposing himself I told one person. He got caught

trying to rob a corner shop I told another. But even then
they just rubbed it off as things that a young teenager
going through a bad phase might do.
He killed someone. Those words suddenly came out in
the middle of a conversation one day. What!? they
asked. I had no idea why I said it, I didnt know what else
to say so I just went with it. I ended up telling them that
one day he had gone round to a friends house and
something had happened where the friend he was with
was found dead and that he hadnt moved away but had
been in a young offenders institute and eventually
prison.
They didnt spend much time with him after that - or
with me either, as he stayed living with me for a while
after. Eventually he got a job and moved into his own
place and made new friends. Were still friends and see
each other quite often, but we dont see the others
anymore. He has no idea why they stopped coming
around or going to the pub we went to. Thats fine with
me.

KETAMINE

He got into a car accident after the ketamine incident

and Im damn fucking proud of what I did.

PIPE PROBLEMS
At work one Friday afternoon I was so fucked off that I
figured if they werent going to pay me a fair wage
directly, I would at least cost them what I was owed. I
decided to damage a pipe in the bathroom except I
smashed it too hard and it began leaking water fast.
Panicking, I tied a cloth from the kitchen around the
leak. It didnt slow too much but it disguised the spray,
turning it into a dribble. I spent the next few hours in
fear, hoping that nobody would realise what had
happened and trace it back to me.
Long story short, the leak was not found and the
increasingly wet floor eventually cave in the ceiling of the
offices below, destroying computers, printers, carpets
and weakening the building structure. I was shitting
myself for weeks thinking they would eventually get me
for it but they never did. Repair costs were many millions
and the company never really recovered.
All in all I figured it was a fair days work for a fair days
pay.

My mothers husband killed my guinea pig so I scrubbed

the toilet with his toothbrush, pissed in his wine, put
glass shards in his shoes, put hydrogen peroxide in his
eyedrops and spiked one of his lunches with ketamine.
56

SALAD CREAM
Recently, I was having trouble with a lad I worked with. He was
annoying the hell out of me, playing pranks on me the whole time that
werent even funny. For example he got my car keys and put all the
rubbish from one of the bins onto my front seat. It was disgusting.
He is a massive homophobe, so I decided to do something disgusting to
him. One night when I was giving the missus one, I saved the condom
and its contents. I woke her up in the morning and repeated the same
procedure.
I went into work and put one of the condoms (with contents) into his
trouser pockets when they were in his locker. He went apeshit to say the
least.
The other one, I emptied onto his salad. He doesnt know it was me for
the first incident and he certainly doesnt even know about the second.
Im going to tell him at the Christmas party.

SHIT IN THE BOX

When I was in my early 20s, I met a girl (lets call her Sarah) who was a
friend of a friend. After a while we became friends but it was also one of
those things where we both liked each other. We both knew it but for
some reason we didnt do anything about it. One day though it just

57

happened: we kind of ended up together. It all went

perfectly. For months we were inseparable. After a while
things got less hot and we began to see less of each other.
We still saw each other a few times a week but not every
day like we had been. Things were still good though but
not as fresh and exciting as before.
Another couple of months pass and I got the feeling that
she had something on her mind. She seemed distracted
and distant when we were together. I feared the worst she just had to be seeing someone else. And me being the
calm, rational adult that I was, decided I had to follow
her. I just had to know for sure so I could move on.
So one day I decided to hire a cheap crappy van so that I
could follow her without her knowing it was me. I parked
down her road and waited for her to leave. After a couple
of hours of waiting she left and got in her car. Perfect! I
pulled away about ten seconds after she did and let one
car go so that there was one between us. After driving for
about twenty minutes she pulled into the driveway of a
big house - one that from looking at the two signs had
been turned into a couple of flats. Shit. What was I going
to do? I couldnt go and knock on the door so I parked on
the other side a few metres up the road. I waited in the
van. She was there for hours. I waited in a shitty van that
stank of piss for what seemed like a whole day.
Finally, after about half an hour of sleep due to boredom I
woke to the sound of the dustbin lorry pulled up next to
me. One of the blokes looked at me like I looked a right
state. He was probably right. Anyway, another hour or so

passed and she appeared with some bloke. They both

walked outside, talked for a bit and then they hugged. It
felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
For the next week or so I tried to think of all the horrible
things I could do to them. I wanted them to feel like I had
in that moment. Ive never been creative though so I
couldnt think of anything. I decided it was best to just
get it over with so I went round to her house that
weekend. Her sister answered the door and invited me in.
I said I needed to talk to Sarah. She came to the door and
I told her everything. Well, I didnt say that I followed her.
I just said that I was walking by the flats when I saw her
hug that bloke. She laughed and I felt even more angry
than I did when I saw them. You find it funny? I asked.
She then explained everything to me. He was her
half brother. Inside were several members of her family -
including him. Apparently they all had a big fallout a
couple of years before and she had wanted to try and get
everyone back together again.
So that was that! Everything was good and I was so relieved. There was just one problem though. One, turd
sized problem. On the way to Sarahs house I had taken a
tour to this flat and put one of my freshly taken shits
through the letterbox. I wanted to go back and take it
before he went home but it was impossible so I didnt say
anything and let him find it. I wish I could have seen his
reaction. It probably would have been pretty funny.
Me and Sarah arent together anymore but were still
friends. I even see her brother quite a bit. Sometimes I
58

joke about a shit coming through the letterbox. He laughs

now but I bet he wouldnt if he found out it was me.

Hearing my poor old dog yelping as this bastard got his

kicks was horrible to me as a young kid.

TOOTHBRUSH TUSHY

Anyway, I come from a family that is not particularly

strong or outspoken but what we have going in our favour
is an underhanded vindictiveness that has rarely been
matched.

A few years ago my boss really embarrassed me when he

bollocked me in front of the wife. Its something I never
forgot as it was completely out of order - hes a right little
Hitler. Anyway, he always cycles to work and showers
and brushes his teeth there. About a year ago he left his
shower bag out in the open and it had his toothbrush on
top. I couldnt help myself - a golden opportunity. I stuck
the toothbrush up my arse and placed it back exactly
where I found it. I still have a little chuckle to myself
every day.

WEED KILLER
When I was a kid, my mom used to be a child minder -
usually to kids from the same school as me and of a
similar age to me and my siblings.
Anyway, when I was in Year 5 of primary school we had
to mind this one kid in the year above me and a few years
below my brother. He was a really nasty fucker. I
certainly couldnt stand up to him. He used to like to hurt
our dog, pulling its legs and generally tormenting it.

So after school one afternoon I took some weed killer

powder from my dads shed, concealed it and then
slipped it into the kids ham sandwich. When his mom
picked him up 20 minutes later he was complaining of
stomach pains. By the time he reached hospital he must
have been in agony and when they had to remove a part
of his stomach, the revenge had been fully served - quite
literally burning hot.
The school was investigated and my brother had the
screws put to him by my parents. I somehow escaped
suspicion (probably due to my age and I was thought to
be his friend). The dog was never harmed again.
I felt terrible guilt for years over this, knowing I had
altered this guys life and for the hassle my brother got.
Some years later when I confessed to my brother he
laughed with a sense of pride.
These days I have no regrets.

59

C HAPTER 10

Sex

ANAL RELEASE
I recently farted really loudly during a drunken sex session up the
bumhole. I ignored it for a minute till the smell made me laugh and I
couldnt carry on in fear of pooing myself.

BBC COUPLE
So around the age of 19 I had my first crazy sexual experience. I had
recently broke up with a long term girlfriend so decided to put myself
out there on OkCupid and a couple of other dating sites.
After a couple of weeks I received a message from this guy which in
essence read something like:
Hi mate, for a long time Ive wanted my wife to have sex with a black
guy and so Id love to surprise her with you.
I was thrown off but wanted to know more so we talked a bit. He sent me
a picture of his wife (she was a small, cute brunette) and eventually I
started talking to his wife and we got on well.
It got to the point where something had to happen and she told me
about this sex party called BMFC (Black Mans Fan Club) - she wanted

61

me to go with her. I didnt know much about sex parties

and never knew they were so specific! I met her at a pub
and got on like a house on fire. We went to a place which
ended up being a mansion - huge with pools, booze and
people in masks. Unsurprisingly, like the name suggests
there was just black men and white women. We didnt
spend much time hanging around - we immediately went
into one of the rooms and had one of the best sessions of
sex Ive ever had in my life.

She was pretty filthy, thats for sure. I had an ensuite in

my room and after a while of drunken sexual
shenanigans she decided she wanted us to have sex in
my bath/shower so I obliged.

After about an hour, she got a call from her husband

saying that he is coming to pick her up. Apparently he
totally freaked out about it when it became a reality but
unfortunately the deed had already been done so that
was it.

We started going at it doggy style in the bath with the

water running. The water didnt really make a difference
other than it made things really fucking slippy. I started
going harder and harder then I slipped and as she was
facing outwards, she fell out of the bath and cracked her
nose on my toilet.

I did ask her why he initially wanted to and apparently

he just liked the idea of her being fed by someone with a
big member. Apparently black guys generally fit this
supposed stereotype. Since this experience Ive
discovered this huge world of cuckold couples who all
want black guys to do their wives. Weird.

BRAZILIAN BREAKAGE

Theres a slight problem with my bath/shower. The

curtain rail was a pile of shite Id bought a while back
that always falls down but I was too excited and drunk to
remember so I didnt care.

There was blood everywhere! Shes shouting to call the

ambulance so I do at 4 a.m. in the morning and my
explanation was pretty weird to say the least. They
arrive to her naked self sitting in the bathroom with a
spool of blood. Even asked her if she wanted to get the
police involved but she thankfully said no.
Whats worse is as they were taking her away I still
decided to ask for her number. She said no.

I pulled this Brazilian chick on a night out. I was super

excited because I heard they were pretty filthy and I
hadnt had my throbbing penis in their musty loins
before.

62

BUTT PLUG
Me and the missus love anal. We have a few toys
including a butt plug. One day when I was at Uni we were
pretty drunk and she made me use it - it wasnt bad. We
were drunk and intending to get more so but
unfortunately we were out of drinks so I left my room
and into the communal area fully clothed - but with the
five inch rod still buried deep in my arse. I went out and
everyone was playing Xbox. I said hello, got my drinks
and went back into my room.
This all went okay, except since that day one of the
flatmates I shared a house with also treated me very
strangely. I dont know how he knows but he knows.

CHOCOLATE CAKE
A couple of years back I had sex with a stranger who
happened to be on her period. When I woke up the next
morning I was hungover and hungry as fuck. I looked at
my hand and it looked like I had chocolate cake all over it
(and I love chocolate), so I, still a bit drunk, mumbled
mmm chocolate cake and stuffed my fingers into my
mouth. The girl woke up in time to find me licking her
period blood.

DUTCH DEBAUCHERY
A few years ago I met my girlfriend. I know this is
clich but I knew instantly that she was the one. I had
problem. I might not have been a sex addict but I was
total womaniser and put my dick in anything with
pulse.

a
a
a
a

After getting a bit serious with my girlfriend, I knew that

I wouldnt be able to shag anyone else for the foreseeable
future so, to cope with this I booked myself a three day
ticket to Amsterdam, alone. I also bought a four pack of
20mg Cialis (24 hour Viagra) to bring along.
While in Amsterdam, I really made the most of my time.
When in Rome, as they say. I spent my piggy bank (about
2000) on prostitutes and drugs. In that three-day span
I shagged 16 prostitutes - 4 of them being trannies (the
pre-op kind with huge peckers but fuckable faces and
huge tits). I shagged pornstar-looking perfect 10s, I
shagged MILFs in their 40s, I shagged petite latinas. I did
them all. I even let one of the trannies shag me and one of
the mature prostitutes used me as her own personal
fucktoy. The highlight was probably when I snorted
cocaine out of a hotties asshole during action. I had the
time of my life and kind of wish I could do this stuff all
day, every day.
Now, Im still with my girl. I love her more than ever, we
have a great sex life and I hope we get married with
63

children in a few years. I dont regret a thing. I would

have done the exact same stuff if I traveled back in time.
This is my own little secret, Ive never cheated on her
with normal women and Ive never seen a prostitute
after this and probably never will. A nice little way to exit
the single life with a bang (literally).

GAGGING FOR IT
I was around 21 and on a night out in the local town. I
met a hot girl I knew (57, slim, nice figure, blonde, just
chatted to a few times and on first name basis but no
more) and come the end of the night I was talking to her
and she asked if I wanted to come back to hers. Of course
I said yes and off we went - along with her chubbier mate
(55 or so, probably around 13 stone so a bit of meat on
her).
We got back to hers and they paid the babysitter! I sat
down and just started chatting. Dont quite know what
happened next as they both called it a night but I was
welcome to crash on the sofa. They got me a blanket and
duvet and off they went. Now, at this point it is worth
highlighting I was of course, wasted.
The door creaks open. I smile, expecting the hot one to
walk in but its her mate and she asks if its okay if she
came in. I was a bit disappointed but better to get some
action than none so I said of course. Having realised they
both had kids and not carrying a condom, I highlighted

that and she said no problem as she loves anal. WOW, big
juicy arse, what could go wrong?
At the end of the session I noticed there was a bit of
brown on the tip. Being drunk, this threw me into a near
vomiting state and I asked where the toilet was. I threw
up in the toilet, followed by me - for some reason -
crapping my pants too as it was rather projectile vomit.
This was not some normal solid poo but not super runny
either - it was in between. Luckily I was wearing tightish
boxers and there was no leakage. After finishing
vomiting - which wasnt much - I delicately proceeded to
take off the boxers and smeared some down my leg which
I cleaned up (at this stage the toilet stank of vomit and
poo).
I gather myself, walk quickly to the front door and throw
the boxers out of the window as quickly as possible. I
walk into the living room, apologise to her and tell her
its best we dont mention what has happened here and it
is best that I leave. She smiled - almost as if she was
disappointed but Im sure I read her wrong - and I walk
out.
Five yards down the road, I walk past a car with my
white boxer shorts on the windscreen with poo running
down and I nearly gag again. I really wanted to go back
the next morning and see what had happened to my
boxer shorts.

64

LESBIAN LUSTING
Around 18 months ago, I was on a night out with the lads and the
missus was on a night out with her mates. When I got home I was rather
pissed and the missus mate (female) from work was staying over
(preplanned). Were all chatting and listening to some music - me on the
chair, them on the couch and me, in my infinite drunken wisdom
decides mid conversation about pizza to go Ah fuck it you two, just get
your bras off and kiss!.
This obviously got an angry response from my wife. Although I new she
had a side when it came to other women, I think it was just because it
was this very quiet workmate. It all got put down to drunkenness on my
part until about 8 months ago when we went out with the same groups
again.
This time, my wifes mate and her were kipping at the mother-in-laws
as there was a bit more room than our new flat. To be honest, at this
point Id seen this workmate a few times since and there was no hard
feelings about me being overeager but I was shocked when my wife got
home in the morning to tell me that her mate had pounced on her in the
spare room at her mums and they ended up having full blown sex.

65

Its worth noting at this point that I dont consider that

cheating. It was a girl mate and I had been jokingly but
seriously asking her to try it for some time so when it did
happen I was eager to hear the details.
A few months later we all went on a night out in a big
group and it ended up with the three of us having plenty
to drink once again and this time my wife tells me that
theyd been up to it in the toilets at the club. Obviously, I
start thinking what anyone would think at this point and
that was to get a front row seat to that action.
As we get home that night I think to play it cool - at least
compared to the get your bras off incident. I say Im off
to sleep on the couch and let them go off to bed, knowing
full well what will happen. I sit at the door, very quietly in
just my boxers listening and true to form they start
getting it on.
Im having a good massage of the old sausage before I
hear some commotion. At this point I think heres my
chance, they want a bit of meat in their sandwich, at
which point my wife shouts me in. I wandered in loud and
proud before realising that the commotion was actually
her mate spewing up all over the bedroom and my wife
wanting me to clean it up.
When I say she had spewed up all over the bedroom, I
mean fucking everywhere. Not to be deterred, I know I
can get it back on track so I just dive right in, taking the
sheets off, washing the walls, scrubbing the floor - all still
in only my boxers. After an hour or so everything gets

cleaned and a good laugh is had by all by what has gone

on.
As they go off to bed, I decide that Im beaten and that it
rained sick on my parade so I get on the couch. Two
minutes later, I get another call from the bedroom and go
in expecting shit and piss everywhere only to find my
wife and her friend on top of one another and inviting me
into the bed which is now basically just a mattress and
some pillows.
The moral of this story is sometimes it pays to act like a
pervert to your wifes workmates and get yourself
covered in their sick.

LEWD LESBIAN
My mates sister was a lesbian and I was curious about
her to say the least. We went on a night out and she came
back to mine like normal but this time nobody else was
present. One thing led to another and I decided to repay
the favour to go down on her. On close inspection she had
a huge and wrinkly blob of meat hanging from her and
secondly a nasty pungent dead fish smell.
I looked up and told her I felt bad for her brother and that
I didnt want to lose his friendship so didnt go any
further.

66

PERIOD PAINS

ROGER RABBIT

Back when I was 16 or 17, I was seeing this girl who lived
out in the countryside. Any time we wanted to fool
around, we went to the fields for privacy as her house
was always full.

Me and an ex were getting down and dirty on the floor

one day and we started gong at it. Just as I was reaching
the point of no return I pulled out and released.

On this particular day, we went to the field out of view

from everyone and started shifting. She stopped and said
her stomach hurt. I offered to bring her back home but
she said she was fine. Being the randy teenager that I
was I decided to drop the paw. Again, she complained
about her stomach pains but insisted I keep going.
Eventually, I stopped and took my hand out - it was
covered in blood. She had just started having her period
and never told me. She seemed to find it amusing while I
stared at my blood soaked hand in disgust. At that
moment I did the only thing I could think of - and that
was to wipe my bloody fingers on her face and on her
white jacket.
When we arrived back to her house, her dad greeted us.
He spotted the blood dried into her white jacket. He then
proceeded to lick his thumb and tried to wipe it off,
thinking it was makeup.

Unfortunately, I overshot my aim. It completely missed

her and nailed her pet rabbit which had apparently found
the door to his cage had been left open by mistake and
popped over to say hello.

SEMEN SUBSTITUTE
Years ago, my friend and I ran a boozer in town. This girl
used to come in that I fancied the arse off. Anyway, one
night I got her and her friend to stay behind and for some
reason thought Id impress her by drinking a bottle of
White Horse whiskey in half an hour. Needless to say I
ended up arseholed.
Its at this point she decides she wants shagging upstairs.
Im not in much of a state so as were attempting it doggy
style I knew I couldnt see it out so made a few pretend
cumming noises and spat on her back. Its something Im
not proud of to this day. I see her out and about now and
again and feel bad.

67

C HAPTER 11

Thievery

BADGE BANDIT
When I was a kid I loved cars, had books about them and used to go to
Bauer Millett every week just to look at them! I got a new hobby of
collecting the badges off cars and would go out at night collecting them.
I had hundreds and I kept them in a big bin bag in our shed. My prized
possession was from a Porsche 911.
After a few months there was a report in the local paper about all these
badges going missing and the police were looking for the culprit. I took
the bag to the local canal and dumped them all in there.
A couple of years later it was in the paper again after the bag was
dredged out.

69

EXTRA FUNDS

FOR FORKS SAKE

Ive stolen hundreds of thousands of pounds from the

company I work for. It has been going on for years and as
far as I know it is foolproof. I didnt devise how to - Im
n o t t h a t c l e ve r ! I m a fa i r ly l ow l e ve l s a l e s
person and a customer wanted something extra to do a
deal so my manager showed me how to make the funds
available.

I was in Tesco Express weighing up the best value for

money ready to eat lunch deals.

The company I work for makes huge amounts of money

and everyone is at it - although to what extent Ive never
known - but if it ever fell apart the whole house of cards
would come crashing down.

The dilemma I had was that some packaging said they

came with a plastic fork for use whereas others didnt.
The meal I liked (cheese and tomato basic pasta) cost
1. 2 0 b u t d i d n o t c o n fir m t h a t a f o r k w a s
included.

It hasnt made me rich, really. Ive given loads away and

Im not just saying that to try and look better but it is all
in cash and you cant hide it from the tax people so it is
under the mattress. I spend it on holidays, used cars,
presents for family and even on charities and total
strangers.

With this conundrum hanging over my head and only

80p remaining in my pocket I scoured the next aisle with
the hope that a basic set would be on sale. 1.50 for a
large mixed container of cutlery. Drat.

I dont really know what to think of it myself. Sometimes

I laugh and other times I feel a bit sorry but I cant see
why after a while.

At the back of the shelf was a slightly opened packet.

Each set (1 fork, 1 knife, 1 spoon) was wrapped up. I
stretched out my hand whilst trying to look innocent. I
didnt want anyone to get any dodgy ideas. Using my
nails I removed a side of tape, snatched a set and in swift
time stuck it in my inventory.
I paid for the pasta, fucked off and had something to
enjoy before I quickly returned to my post as security
g u a r d a t T e s c o E x p r e s s .

70

LOO ROLL LARCENY

When I was younger, I used to visit new places or family

and see new types of toilet roll in the bathroom. I liked to
take extra sheets and put them in my pockets as
mementos, so, for example, if it had flowers on I would
think Oh, that is nice toilet paper. Ill take some extra
sheets, however they would always remain in my
pocket! I would forget about them and they would be all
scrunched up when it came to emptying or rummaging
through my pockets, yet I would still continue to take the
sheets for some bizarre reason.

PERSIL PILFERER
I used to steal Persil washing tablets from primary school
for my mother. We could afford washing powder - it is just
that they were there and appealed to me. I have no idea
why.
Bizarrely, on a table near where wed hang our coats and
bags was a big box of said washing tablets. Even better they were PERSIL! Not cheap stuff. PERSIL!

Oh, Ive forgotten my pencil case, but nobody latched on

to what I was really doing.
When the other kids had gone and the teacher and gone
outside or back in the classroom I would steal several of
these tablets. This happened pretty much every day until
the box was removed.
None of the other kids seemed bothered by them but I
knew even at that age that:
1. Persil was a big brand.
2. There were lots of them.
3. They were there for a while so were appealing to
people to nab a few. It seems only I was smart enough
to acknowledge this cracking opportunity.
My mother was fine with it. She was pleased when I
initially came home and said Id stolen some Persil for
her from school.
I must note that I am not a serial stealer. Nor did my
mother encourage stealing. It was only Persil washing
tablets! The box was left open and encouraging any
clever people to steal them.
They only have themselves to blame.

I used to linger about at home time as if Id forgotten

something. Id sometimes drop things purposely so itd
buy me time and clear the area. I think Id even go back
in the classroom and just say out loud something like
71

71

ROBIN HOOD
When I was younger (mid to late teens) I once went into a charity shop
and saw a nice watch sitting on one of the shelves. Unfortunately I
suddenly realised that I had left my wallet at home, so I decided to put
the watch on my wrist and simply walk out after looking for another
couple of minutes. I didnt plan to actually steal it, and a couple of days
later I came back and put the money in one of the collection boxes on
the counter.
It doesnt end there though. While I felt bad and obviously did end up
giving the money to them, I enjoyed the excitement of stealing it so I
tried it again. I did it multiple times and ended up having quite a large
amount of small items at home that I had taken. I felt bad though but
this time didnt give them any money for any of these items, so what I
did instead was I took all of the items to another charity shop down the
road. I thought that while I was taking from one, I was giving to another,
so in the end there was no harm being caused.
I kept this up for about a year, taking stuff from one and donating it to
the other, and vice versa. I like to think that nobody was losing out in
the end, but for all I know somebody else could have got the blame for it.
Unfortunately one of them ended up closing so my shit Robin Hood
tribute act had to end.

72

SERIAL SHOPLIFTER

TEA LEAF

Ive been a shoplifter for nearly all my life and have never
been caught.

I went through an 18 month period where I would just

break into peoples homes and make myself a cup of tea.

It started when I was 7. We never had much money in our

family and I was jealous of other kids buying sweets and
pop in the local corner shop. Once I realised it was so
easy, I couldnt stop.

I never took anything - I just made myself a cuppa.

Sometimes, if I was scared someone might be sleeping
upstairs, I wouldnt boil the kettle. I would just make a
cold one. I never drank them either. Id just put them on
the side and leave.

In my teens I nicked clothes from shops as all I ever had

was hand me downs from my older brothers and I wanted
to look cool. I then started taking bottles of vodka from
Tesco, as I knew a lad that worked there and he said the
security caps didnt work as the alarm was always
turned off.
I was an alcoholic at 18, stealing 2 to 3 bottles a day from
different shops and off-licences. This went on for years
until I was in my mid-20s and got my first girlfriend.
When I was with her I didnt feel the need to steal
anything but she left me out of the blue and I lost control
and started stealing and drinking again.
Ive been to counseling for my drinking but havent
admitted my shoplifting for fear Ill be reported to the
police. If I could get another girlfriend I might be able to
stop stealing, but I am in too much of a mess for anybody
to be interested in me.

TEA LEAF II
When I shop at Aldi, I always say I have fewer plastic
bags than I have taken. I always take Heinz ketchup
sachets from anywhere I see them - restaurants, cafs
and even petrol stations that sell hot food on the go. I
have a pot at home that I put them all in. My girlfriend
hasnt asked where these sachets have turned up from.
At work I will wait until the kitchen area is empty and
take a teabag from someones secret stash that I found. I
use somebody elses milk when I could just buy this stuff
myself.

73

TRIBUTE
When I was a pre-teen I had an Aunt who was in her early 40s. A few
times she stayed over for a few days at Christmas. She was very sultry
and I had a crush on her. I used to steal her underwear to be close to
her.
Sadly, she died when I was 16 but I hadnt seen her for years. I still had
one pair of her underwear though and for some reason I thought to
wear them to her funeral - almost as a tribute!
Anyway, the serious bit is that I feel terrible shame for this and I have
since become a devout religion person. I dont want to be a hypocrite
and I have a beautiful wife who I believe needs to know this shame. She
is religious too so I hope she will forgive me.
Should I tell her?

74

PHOTO ACCREDITATION
All photos in this ebook are subject to Creative Commons
Licenses. The material hasnt been used for commercial
purposes and are attributed below. Only changes that
have been made to pictures are cropping to fit them in
and none of the models pictured have anything to do with
the confessions theyre pictured beside.
Here are links to the pictures used in alphabetical (to
confession/chapter) order:
Am I Gay?: Terry George. Zach Asher NFM
Anal Release: Cornish Cactus Warning! Lifting
incorrectly may induce explosive farts
Angry Ant: pixotik Black ant
Animal: JusDaFax Spiral Staircase
Armpit Fetish: Rose Morelli Why Do We Hate Armpit
Hair?
Arranged Marriage: Kris Krug
Arsehole: Exile on Ontario St Poop Emoji
Badge Bandit: GmanViz Stud farm sportscar
Bothersome Blowjob: Happy Monkey Finished - Front (no
flash)
Caught Short: sirwiseowl Holding On
Death: neilalderney123 Another foggy shot in the
Graveyard - Alderney
Fart In A Cup: Lindsay M Photography 365 Day
Photography Project - Day 6 - Tea.
Footshitter: Simply Viola My sweetness Lucy

Homeless: kennethkonica Homeless people are invisible

on the streets of Indianapolis.
Lesbian Lusting: ] Lesbian & Gay Pride (167) 25Jun11, Paris (France)
Love: Captured Heart Shot Through The Heart
Masturbation: findingtheobvious AcHoO
Mischief: bjcoving
Perversions: jovike car licker
Pissing Pleasure: CJS*64 "Man with a camera" Togetherness ;-))
Porn Addiction: luebke_ Am Laptop
Random: Ross Elliott LicquoriceAllsorts 0810 3422
Rapper: xusenru - Vadim Valium (By
Khusen Rustamov)
Revenge: lwpkommunikacio Elrulva
Robin Hood: zm73will Nottingham Castle
Salad Cream: Jonathan Rolande Old School
Supermarket!
Sex: adamrhoades Anticipation
Submissive Soul: stevendepolo I Hate All of You Sign by
Daughter
Thievery: stevendepolo Thou Shalt Not Steal Cookies
Monk Cookie Jar Van's Bakery Grand Rapids 2-6-15
Tribute: LE NGAN SAU Lisa-47

75