HUMOROUS TALES

OF LATTER DAY RABBIS

"As 'Twas Told to Me"
A HUNDRED LITTLE
HUMAN-INTEREST STORIES

by

SOLOMON MICHAEL NECHES,

D. H-

Dean Western Jawil Institute, Lor Angelas, California

Wifh an Introdu&on by

LEWIS

BROWNE

THE WESTERN JEWISH INSTITUTE

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

570L1945

Copyright, 1938
by
S. M. Neches

Printed in the United States by the

ROSEN PRlNTlhYj COMPANY
Los Angeles, California

7kiad&~~4~h&&db

Mg' 3-

Mrs. Dora Godstein

"nn

The sages say that Paradise is destined for those

who cause their fellow-men t o rejoice. Elijah
pointed out two men t o Rab Brokah, saying: "They
Rab
are destined t o life i n the world t o come."
Brokah asked them what was their occupation, and
they replied: "We are merrymakers, whose business is t o cheer the down-hearted."? (Ta'an. 22a.l
These little human-interest stories which I have
re-told are a by-product of a busy city pastorate, the
incidents of which would rather make one weep
than laugh.
I f they cause a moment of relaxation i n the lives
of busy or burdened people, they will have accomplished the purpose of their re-telling.

OTHER BOOKS BY
DR. SOLOMON M. NEWES
THE JEW A N D AMERICAN ClTlZENWlP
SHEMEN TURAK
(Essays)

AS A T THIS DAY
(Gsays)
TORATHO SHEL SHEM
(Exegetical Study on the Pentateuch)

PIRKE ABOT HA-SHALOM

Comprehensive Study of the "Eihics of the Fathers"
i n five volumes)

THE BOOK OF ESTHER

(A Study of the Struggle for an Independent Judiciary)
SHEMEN ROSH
(Novelae on Psalms)
ALPHA BETA DE ABOT

("Sayings of the Fathers'' Arranged Alphabetically)

CONTENTS
Page
INTRODUCTION ............................................................
THEY BOTH BELONG TO ME.........................................
SEEKING RECOGNITION.............................................
GLAD TO HAVE BEEN HERE......................................
.
CASE W O N P U T HAD TO MOVE..............................
YOU ARE ALSO RIGHT....................................................
IT BENEFITS MY BUSINESS.........................................
I AM ONLY A CAP-MAKER.............................. ..........
IT I S AN OLD CUSTOM...............................................
TO AVOID LITIGATION............................................
.
THE EMPEROR'S GIFT..................................................
.
GOD IS RIGHT..................................................... . .
WANTED HIM NEAR BECAUSE.....................................
WHY HE I S STILL RICH.................................................
IT I S A WONDERFUL CITY NOW....................................
FOOLISH SINNER.......................................................
WHY MAKE HIM SUFFER?............................................
WHEN JEWS DANCE............................................... .
ALL DUE TO HIM............................................................
ALWAYS IN THE SCALE OF MERIT..............................
NO MONEY AND NO JEWS ......................................
THE RABBIS ALWAYS SLEEP.....................................
"ISAAC SINGS" ..........................................................
DOCTOR WHAT'S THE USE?.........................................
WE ARE COMFORTABLE NOW....................................
WANTED SOME OF HIS SICKNESS................................
A GENERAL RULE............... ..................................... .
IT MAY LEAD ME HOME....................................
WHY BLAME ALL POOR?.................................-........
WHAT I OUGHT TO BE.................................................
JUST FORTY.............................................................-... ..
GENUINE AND IMITATION............................................
A WISE STRATAGEM......................................................

.-

.
.

....

15
19
20
21

22
23
24
25
25
27
28
29
30
31
33
33
34
35
35
36
37
38
40
41
42
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
50

CONTENTS

Page

....................... 52
A TALISMANIC BOOK.....................
A SOLOMONIC DECISION................................................ 53
HE PROVED HE DIDN'T KNOW...................................
55
IF HE HAD BUT TEN...................................................... 56
WHY NOT HIRE A HAZAN?............................................ 57
NO RESPONDING TO DONKEYS...................................... 58
I T CAN NEVER HAPPEN TO H I M.................................. 60
AS MUCH AS YOU WANT .............................................. 60
.............................. 62
I T CROWED FOR ME..................
.
.
.
WHEN CRITICISM IS AN INSULT.................................. 64
THE OLMR THE WISER......................................
......
65
A HEADACHE REMEDY.................................................. 66
POWER OF PRAYER........................................................ 67
FULL CREDIT.................................................................. 68
A N EFFECTIVE THREAT................................................ 69
HEARTS ARE TRUMPS................................................... 7 2
A PRACTICAL LESSON................................................ 74
AGREED TOO WELL........................................................ 75
CONTRARY TO MOSES.................................................... 77
THANK THE LORD FOR THAT ......................................
79
THIS DAY AND EVERY DAY........................................... 80
SEND YOUR OPPONENT TO ME...................................... 81
A CORRECT ILLUSTRATION....................................... 82
EMPEROR GRASPS HINT................................................
84
THIEVES ........................................................................
85
SOLOMON NO FOOL...................................................... 86
HIS FIRST SUCCESS................................................... 87
ALL Y O U R L N O N E YOURS........................................
88
EXCESS PUNISHMENT.................................................... 89
NOT WORTH A RUBLE NOW........................................ 91
BETTER A STRANGE CALF.............................................. 91
WAS ONLY PROMISED.................................................. 92
TRAPPED WITH YOUR OWN........................................ 93
SHEKOTZIM HAVE THE TRUTH................................... 94
ON A FORTIORI CONCLUSION...................................... 95

CONTENTS
Page
....................................
RATHER A MITZVAH ............ .
.
.
95
TO PUT H I M ON HIS GUARD...................................... ... 96
THE PROUDEST M A N..................... .
.
...........................
97
A NEW HOSPITAL WAS THEN BUILT..........................
98
DONKEYS .....................................................................
100
HAD TO GIVE..........................................................
101
NOT VANITY BUT DEFENSE........................................
102
HAD TO REMAIN............................................................
103
ENOUGH EMPTINESS......................................................
103
GRACE AND UNDERSTANDING................ .
.
................... 105
STOLEN GOODS.............................................................. 105
THEY SELDOM UNDERSTAND.......................................
107
RATHER TOO LOW................ .
.
............................. 108
BALANCE OF POWER...............
.
.
.
.........................
108
PRESENCE OF MIND SAVED H I M...................................
110
EFFECT OF A SEA VOYAGE..........................................
111
A SEARCHING QUESTION................ ..............................
112
OUT OF HIS JURISDICTION...........................................
113
ONLY THE VOICE.............. .
.
.........................................
114
A N INVERTED PRIDE...............
.
.
.
............................... 115
SOLOMON NOT A MYSOGYSNIST............................. 116
THE LATEST ABOUT MYSELF........................................
117
STOMACH TROUBLE.................................................. .... 118
HE WILL BE RICH.............................
..............................
118
HE COPIED H I M............................................................
119
HE WAS TOO LIBERAL.............
.
............................... 121
QUALIFICATIONS OF A RABBI................. .
.
............... 123
HEART AND HEAD........................................................
124
WHAT PRESERVED THE CITY......................................
125
FOR THE ONE AT HIS RIGHT.....................................
126
WISE TO DO GOOD.........................................................
128
A TRUTHFUL COMMUNITY ............................ ................ 129
RESPONSIBILITY ........................................................
130
COLOPHON ................... .. ............................ ................ 132

WRITE this foreward out o f gratitude o f m y good

and learned and merry-souled friend, Doctor
Neches; for I owe h i m much for the chuckles I have
derived from this little book o f his.

Of course, were I like the Jew i n one anecdote

which he does not include i n this collection, I'd feel
under no obligation t o him. It is t h e anecdote (sufficiently hoary t o bear repetition, I hope) about the
village Jew who once wrote a letter t o God. All his
life this poor fellow had prayed as every pious Jew
should; yet all his life h e had known such woe as
even no impious Jew deserves. So at last, reduced
t o desperation, he decided t o abandon oral petitioning, and resorted t o writing instead.
"Who knows?" he reasoned t o himself. "Perhaps
the One Above has grown a little deaf with the years,
and cannot hear when I l i f t my voice. But if I write
t o Him, H e will surely be able t o read; for (kaveyochol!) should H i s eyes too have begun t o fail Him,
H e could easily put on spectacles."
Accordingly our hero took up his pen, and, handing it t o his eldest son-who
was almost thirteen
already, and knew how t o write--he proceeded t o
dictate a b i l l o f complaints. A n d when this b i l l

was finished, he waited until a great storm blew

up, and then let the sheets whirl away in the wind.
He trusted thus t o deliver them to the Heavenly
Throne--and it so happened that they did actually
get t o an earthly one. They rode the storm as
far as the neighboring town, and there came t o rest
(hearken t o God's miracles!) right on the doorstep
o f the richest Jew in the province.
Now this mighty personage was not unduly addicted t o charity, but he did have a sense o f humor.
Therefore, once he discovered the nature o f this
missive so miraculously delivered into his hands, he
straightway sent for its author. And when the latter arrived and stood trembling in his presence, the
rich one glared at him accusingly for a long moment.

"You have been writing dunning letters to Cod!"

he thundered. "No, no! Do not try t o deny it! I
am God's agent in this territory, so I have official
information!"
He broke off, apparently beside
himself with rage. But then, all without warning,
his brow cleared. Heaving a sigh, he reached into
a drawer and brought out a crisp bank-note. "Nevertheless, God is willing t o forgive you your presump
tion," he began to smile. "Indeed, He has instructed me to give you this hundred-ruble note, just to
prove that H e forgives you." And thereupon he
handed the money to the villager.

For an instant t h e latter stared, his eyes brimm i n g w i t h tears. B u t only f o r an instant. Then, he
seemed f o r a sudden t o understand everything. Not
deigning even t o glance at h i s benefactor, he thrust
the note i n t o h i s pocket, turned o n h i s heel, and
started t o stalk out.
"Heh!", the other called o u t after him.
y o u know enough even t o thank me?"

"Don't

"Thank y w ? " came the indignant retort. "It is

f o r you t o thank me! I know y o u agents! I bet y o u
made enough commission o n this transaction!"

And so I m i g h t say t o our author. These anecdotes he passes o n t o us in this book were received
by h i m f r o m others. And, seeing the zest w i t h
which he passes t h e m on, he must have collected his
f u l l commission o f pleasure in the process. So why,
I m i g h t argue, should I feel in his debt?
B u t I don't argue thus. 1 know that n o matter
how full his commission, it is n o f u l l e r than m i n e
w i l l be when I start passing t h e m on!

LEWIS BROWNE
Santa Monica, January, 1938.

HUMOROUS

TALES

19

THEY BOTH BELONG TO ME

T o Rabbi Lipele, o f Bialistock, there came t w o
claimants o f a plot o f ground. T h e i r dispute was
very bitter, and every e f f o r t o f Rabbi i i p e l e t o adjust t h e matter was in vain. T h i s strife caused great
hatred, not only between the two contestants and
t h e i r families, but it aroused t h e whole town, factions being created o n b o t h sides.
Rabbi Lipele made up his m i n d t h a t h e would
settle this trouble, and accordingly invited t h e two
quarreling gentlemen t o go over and look a t t h e property once more, t o see if they could not settle the
argument o n t h e spot.
W h e n they came o u t o f t h e p l o t in question, and
t h e Rabbi had measured, and figured, and given his
decision-which
neither party would accept-Rabbi
Lipele bent down and put his ear t o t h e ground.
H e arose and exclaimed: "Now I have it!"
Everyone present was surprised at his action and
asked h i m what it meant. "Well," said t h e Rabbi,
"I t h w g h t it best t o ask t h e disputed ground itself
t o t e l l m e t o whom it belongs."
"What did t h e ground say?" they asked more in
jest than earnest.
''The ground said," replied Rabbi Lipele, "I d o
n o t belong t o either o f t h e claimants, but they b o t h

HUMOROUS

20

TALES

belong t o me, f o r is it n o t written, "dust t h o u art,

and u n t o dust shalt t h o u return" '2"
T h i s unexpected answer proved a powerful hint
t o the contentious men, who soon came t o an
agreement which settled t h e i r case.

SEEKING RECOGNITION
W h e n Ezekiel Lando, ( 17 13- 17931, known as the
"Nodah BIJehudah,"

(the name of a collection o f

responsa he wrote), was elected Chief Rabbi o f t h e

o l d and famous community o f Prague, he was beloved and admired by all. Only one man, Welwele
d e r Schneider, was t h e exception.

H e criticized t h e

Rabbi severely on every occasion.

Upon learning o f this, t h e Rabbi invited t h e m a n
t o come t o see him, and questioned him, as t o how
he could harmonize his actions w i t h t h e biblical
law "that a m a n must rebuke h i s neighbor openly,"

but n o t "go about as a talebearer among t h e people."

Welwele squirmed, blushed, and replied w i t h a
forced smile:

"Go, roll aphitten (God forbid), m u s t reverend

Rabbi, t h a t I should have anything against you, but
m y situation is peculiar. W h e n t h e honored Rabbi
came t o t h e city, t h e r i c h o f the community introduced themselves w i t h presents, t h e learned by t h e i r
display o f scholarship; I could d o neither; and if I had

HUMOROUS

TALES

21

not criticized t h e Rabbi you would never have known

t h a t there is a 'Welwele der Schneider' in existence."
"So t h a t is it?" t h e Rabbi said. "Well, t h a t you
wished t o make yourself known t o m e I have n o
objection, and even think it commendable. B u t
'your deeds d o n o t f i n d favor, althought your intention does,' as says t h e Cuzari, and it would be
more t o m y l i k i n g i f you would f i n d some other
method o f seeking recognition."

GLAD TO HAVE BEEN HERE

A Chasidic zaddik (holy man) visited a l i t t l e
town which was under the "jurisdiction" o f another
competing zaddik. B u t a l l his efforts t o impress
t h e adherents o f his opponent were in vain, and
t h e Chasidim o f t h e other drove h i m o u t o f t h e
town in disgrace.
T h e zaddik then said t o his meshamesh (personal
attendant):

"I a m very glad I came t o this town, and I a m

only sorry that m y father did not visit it."
"How so?"

inquired his attendant.

"Don't you understand, schafskopt", replied t h e

zaddik, "I a m glad t h a t I have come here, as I shall
n o w be able t o warn m y children and children's
children t o stay away f r o m the place; and I a m sorry
m y father was never here, f o r i f he had been, I
should never have attempted t o come here."

22

HUMOROUS

CASE WON-BUT

TALES

HAD TO MOVE

In a l i t t l e t o w n in Russia, a Rabbi was engaged by

t h e Jewish community. Besides his monthly salary,
h e was allotted as his residence, a house belonging
t o t h e community.
A f t e r a number o f years o f service, t h e gabaim
(dignitaries) decided t o discharge t h e Rabbi and
ordered h i m at t h e same time, t o move f r o m t h e
community house. H e refused t o d o so, and t h e y
took t h e case t o t h e Russian court. T h e judge, seei n g it was an internal Jewish affair, decided t o refer
t h e matter t o t h e distinguished Rabbi H a i m Jacob
Widrevitz, o f Moscow.
Rabbi Widrevitz, after hearing b o t h sides, arrived
a t t h e conclusion that, while there had been o n actual lapse o f conduct o n t h e part o f t h e accused
Rabbi, it was f o r the best interest o f t h e community
t h a t it should be sustained, and he informed t h e
gabaim t h a t they had won the case.
"But, honored Rabbi," said they, "he is still living
in t h e community house and refuses t o move; how

shall we compel h i m t o vacate?"

"Compulsion--compulsion
replied Rabbi Widrevitz.

would be indiscreet,"

"What then?" they asked.

"Well,"
said he, "I really believe there is a
peaceful way possible, nevertheless."

HUMOROUS

TALES

23

"Yes?"
"Yes, i f you will, all of you move from the town,
and leave him thus alone. That is the thing I
advise you to do!"

YOU ARE ALSO RIGHT

Reb Moishelle Charif, of Boiberick, was widely
known as a great Talmudist, and as a very pious
man. He was, however, very much preoccupied
with his studies, so that sometimes he took scant
notice of worldly affairs. Folk said he would have
forgotten many times even to eat, were it not for
his dear old Rabbetzin who reminded him about it.
One day while Reb Moishelle was occupied in
deep study of a very tangled subject i n the Talmud,
there came to him a man complaining of the wrong
his neighbor had done t o him. Reb Moishelle heard
his story and said to him: "You are right."
Soon the man's neighbor came i n and made a
counter complaint to the Rabbi, stating his side of
the story; Reb Moishelle said t o him: "You are
right.

At this, the Rabbetzin, who had heard the proceedings, could not restrain herself any longer, and
exclaimed with astonishment, "Oi Moishelle, Moishelle dear! How i n the world can they both be
right? One of them surely must be wrong!"

24

HUMOROUS

TALES

Whereat the Rabbi turned to her and said with

mild surprise: "Yes, yes; you are also right."

IT BENEFITS M Y BUSINESS
In an old town in Germany there lived a Rabbi,
who constantly preached and forcibly rebuked the
people on account of their profanation of the Sabbath, by keeping their stores open on the sacred
day. One Jew came to the Rabbi and expressed his
admiration for his inspiring, convincing talks on
this subject, and as a token of his appreciation offered the Rabbi a considerable sum of money, urging him to continue preaching along the same lines.
The Rabbi was naturally very much pleased to
know that his sermons brought such good results,
and remarked:
"The satisfaction that my words have so influenced you, i s more to me than your offering; and I
am glad you will never open your store on the Sabbath again."
"Oh, I had no thought of closing my store on
the Sabbath," replied the other.
"What!", exclaimed the Rabbi, "what do you
mean then by praising my sermons, and bringing
me this offering?"
"The fact is, my dear Rabbi," answered the storekeeper, "your sermons will undoubtedly cause all the

HUMOROUS

TALES

25

Jewish storekeepers in town t o close their stores, a l l

but min-nd
I can well afford t o encourage a
movement that will benefit m e so m u c h in m y
business!"

I A M ONLY A CAP-MAKER
In o l d Krukadolifka, Russia, there lived a Rabbi
who fearlessly used t o rebuke his people, although,
o f course, he never mentioned any names in his
speeches. B u t there was one very influential member o f his audience, a dignitary o f t h e congregation,
who always f e l t that the Rabbi's remarks were directed particularly at him. (Perhaps he had reasons t o
think SO.) H e therefore arranged t o have a meeting
called o f the communal officers, and he presented
"charges" against h t e Rabbi. It was decided t o
send a committee t o the Rabbi t o direct h i m t o ref r a i n f r o m abusing influential members o f the
community. W h e n the committee called o n the
Rabbi and stated their business, h e replide: "Gentlemen, I regard myself only as a capmaker, one
who makes caps not knowing beforehand who w i l l
wear them; but i f one buys a cap, and it f i t s him,
t h e n by the Talmudical rule o f yesh berera (i.e.'
'this, his choice, was his f r o m the beginning') it i s
meant f o r him, f r o m the t i m e it is made."

IT I S A N OLD CUSTOM
In t h e t i m e o f the celebrated Caon (genius), Elijah

HUMOROUS

26

TALES

o f W i l n a (1720-17971, t h e leaders o f t h e W i l n a
kehillah (community) decided n o t t o p e r m i t poor
strangers t o enter t h e city; they claimed that there
had been such an unusual number entering as t o
burden t h e community. T o further t h e purpose,
they called a mass meeting t o enlist t h e consent o f
the people t o this effect.
They also decided t o invite t h e Gaon t o t h i s i m portant meeting, and he came, leaving f o r the t i m e
being those studies which were as dear t o him as
his life.
W h e n the Gaon learned t h e purpose o f the
meeting, he said t o t h e head o f t h e kehillah, Reb.
Feitel: "I a m very sorry t h a t I l e f t the study o f the
Torah t o come t o this place; have I n o t t o l d y o u
never t o draw m e i n t o such worldly affairs, except
in such cases where you wish t o adopt some new
custom f o r which there may be n o precedent?"
"Why,"

said Reb Feitel, "this custom which we

are about t o adopt is entirely new, for n o communi t y has ever before prohibited strangers t o enter
its gate."
"New?" exclaimed t h e Gaon. " W h a t is there
new in that? It is one o f t h e oldest customs in history, f o r it was t h e custom o f Sodom and Gornorrah
n o t t o let strangers enter."
Reb Feitel and t h e members of t h e kehillah o f

HUMOROUS

TALES

27

Wilna, after such a hint f r o m t h e i r venerated Gaon,

could n o t g o o n w i t h t h e i r plan, and were obliged
t o reverse t h e i r policy.

TO AVOID LITIGATION
W h e n t h e famous zaddik, Rabbi Joshua Hesil,
o f Apta, was o n his usual travels t o visit t h e
chasidim (his adherents) it happened that he encountered a steep hill.
T h e Rabbi quickly descended f r o m t h e wagon
drawn b y t h e rather m i l d horse, and ascended t h e
hill afoot.

"0 H o l y Rabbi," said his attendant, "why did

you come down f r o m t h e wagon and c l i m b this steep
hill afoot?"
II

Because," replied t h e Rabbi, "I a m afraid the

horse w i l call m e t o a din Torah (suit before t h e
ecclesiastical court); it will claim t h a t I had n o p i t y
on it, making it draw m e up t h e hill."

"And i f so," said t h e attendant, "would you n o t

w i n t h e case o n the ground that t h e horse was
meant f o r man's service?"
"Yes," said t h e Rabbi, "there is n o doubt that I
would win; but I would rather walk up t h e hill a
dozen times, than f i n d myself in litigation w i t h
a horse!"

28

HUMOROUS

TALES

THE EMPEROR'S GIFT

Rabbi Simon Schreiber, t h e learned Rabbi o f
Krakow, son o f the renowned ' Chassam Sopher,"
was also a member o f the Austrian Parliament, and
was once invited b y the late Emperor Franz Joseph
t o visit h i m at the palace on a Sabbath afternoon.
The Emperor handed t h e Rabbi a cigar, which the
Rabbi was, naturally, obliged t o accept.
O n account o f the Sabbath taw, which prohibits
a Jew f r o m handling or lighting f i r e on t h a t day,
the Rabbi kept it unlighted i n his hand.
Craf von Pf uffendrof, a notorious anti-Semite,
who also happened t o be present, thought he saw
a n opportunity o f embarrassing the Rabbi.

He

soon lit a match, and approached the Rabbi, saying,

"I know you are accustomed t o smoking, Rabbi;
w i l l you not have a light?"
"No, thank you,"

answered the Rabbi.

"Perhaps,"
said von Pfuffendorf, maliciously,
"the Emperor's cigar is not good encugh; H i s
Majesty w i l l t h e n order some better ones."

At this remark the Emperor himself glanced up

w i t h surprise. There was only one way o u t f o r
Rabbi Schreiber, t o follow the advice o f David, who
said, "I w i l l also speak o f T h y testimonies before
kings and not be ashamed," and tell the Emperor

HUMOROUS

TALES

29

that it was t h e Sabbath, and that it was forbidden

t o smoke. B u t the Rabbi d i d not wish t o raise t h e
Sabbath law as an excuse, as it would imply that
the Emperor had been lacking i n tact by offering
a cigar t o a Rabbi on the Sabbath. Rabbi Schreiber,
therefore, turned t o Graf von Pfuffendorf, and said,
" M y dear honorable Craf, would you t h i n k it right
f o r m e t o let H i s Majesty's present t o m e vanish i n smoke?" and p u t t i n g it away i n his pocket
very reverently, he said, "I will keep it f o r an everlasting remembrance."

At this neat party, t h e good Emperor Franz Joseph

smiled, "and confusion covered Haman's face,"-o r rather von Pfuffendorf's, who scowled at Rabbi
Schreiber, without any ready retort.

GOD I S RIGHT
Reb Schlomka Kapischnitzer was known "all over
t h e world," not only as a great scholar and a very
pious man, b u t especially was he admired f o r being
good-natured.
It was said o f h i m that he never
remonstrated w i t h an enemy.
N o t so was his wife, "Sarale t h e Rabbitzin," who
was t h e opposite extreme. T h e town feared h e r and
she d i d not even spare her husband, upbraiding h i m
i n t h e severest manner, whenever, wherever, and
before whomsoever she pleased, without eliciting
reply f r o m t h e Rabbi.

HUMOROUS TALES

30

One of the Rabbi's nearest and dearest friends

asked h i m "How can you restrain yourself; why do
you not make her once and for all stop this?"

"I have tried," said the Rabbi, "but it is in vain,

and I suppose it will continue all m y life. I f it is
Cod's will that m y helpmate be such, I have but
t o thank H i m for the evil as well as for the good."
"But, holy Rabbi," said his friend, "why should

Cod

give a zaddik like you, an arurah (shrew) such

as she is, for a wife?"

"Oh," said Reb Schlomka, "in the Psalms it is

written: 'The Lord is good t o all, and H i s tender
mercies are over all His works.'
I f she had been
given t o an ordinary man, would he not have set her
aside in shame and disgrace within a short time, and
what would have become of her then? Therefore,
God in His infinite wisdom and mercy gave her t o
me, for I am able t o endure her, as you see."

WANTED HIM NEAR BECAUSERabbi Beril, of Mechaishilishok, was known for

his w i t and wisdom; all his townsmen loved and admired him, w i t h the exception of one Josele Sheigetz,
(the ruffian), an implacable opponent, who slandered and criticized the Rabbi whenever he had an
opportunity.
Rabbi Beril knowing of this, would not permit

HUMOROUS

TALES

31

Josele Sheigetz t o be i n his presence; he was so

incensed a t h i m that he forbade anyone t o ment i o n h i s name.
T h e Rabbi was called t o decide a d i f f i c u l t matter
i n a neighboring town, and who should be his opposite i n t h e "boid" (stage-coach) but Josele Sheigetz! T h e Rabbi noticed him, and said very mildly: "Josele, would you not m i n d sitting beside me,
please," and Josele assented.

At the end o f their journey his shammas said t o

Rabbi Beril: 'Have you made peace w i t h Josele
Sheigetz?"
"No, not a t all,"

replied the Rabbi.

"Why then have you asked h i m t o sit beside you?"

"Do you not understand, golem?" replied t h e
Rabbi. "I asked h i m t o sit near m e because I
could not possibly look at his treifene parzuf (his
obnoxious face), throughout t h e whole journey."

W H Y HE I S STILL RICH
Reb Pinche Kotzan, o f Zabludeveh, was a very
rich man, but extremely penurious; his largest contribution t o any cause never exceeded half a ruble.
It happened on an Ereb Pesach (Passover Eve)
that t h e dignitaries o f t h e Jewish community were
f i g u r i n g o n t h e "Moeth Chittim," (the f u n d f o r t h e

needy f o r Passover), and found they were short a

HUMOROUS

32

TALES

considerable sum of the amount needed, and had

nowhere t o go t o seek it, as the solicitors had
made a thorough canvass of the city. They decided that they would ask Rabbi Shloimele Harif, Rabbi
of Zabludeveh, t o plead w i t h Reb Pinche for a
substantial donation t o save the situation.
Rabbi Shloimele d i d so, but his efforts were in
vain, as the rich Reb Pinche refused t o give more
than his usual half ruble donation. The Rabbi was
very indignant, and said t o him, "Do you not realize
that all your gold and silver belongs not t o you, but
t o Cod, and that you are only keeping His treasure
for the time being?"
"Yes," said the other, "but when Cod chose me
t o be His treasurer it must have been because H e
knew m y judgment was correct, or H e would take
it from me."

"In this you are mistaken," answered the Rabbi;

"Cod would have taken it f r o m you already, but-"

''But what?"

"If a rich man like you, Reb Pinche, lost a kopeka

i n the gutter, would you besmirch your hands t o
grope for it?"
"No; b u t what has that t o do with the question?"
"Only this-that
all your wealth amounts t o God
as little as a kopeka does t o you, and if H e does not

HUMOROUS

TALES

33

take it from you, it is only because He does not wish

to besmirch His hands with it."

I T I S A WONDERFUL CITY NOW

When the famous Caon, Rabbi David Solomon
Eibshutz, of Saroki, left his town for Safed, Palestine, great honor was bestowed upon him by all the
people of Saroki; they accompanied him a considerable distance out of town t o bid him farewell.
As the Rabbi turned and gave a last look at Saroki,
he remarked t o the dignitaries standing around him:
"What a wonderful town Saroki is!"

'

'But, Rabbi," said they, "you used to complain

that our city was sinful, full of evil, and so on."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi, "but understand me,
folks; as long as you were all there, it was so; but
now that you are all out here, Saroki is certainly a
wonderful place!"

FOOLISH SINNER
To the famous Chasidic Zaddik, Rabbi David, of
Talna, known as "Rab Dovid'l Talner," there once
came a young man inquiring what "Teshuba" (penance) should be imposed upon a young friend of his
who had committed certain sins, explaining that
his friend had sent him on the mission because he
was ashamed to come himself.
Rab Dovid'l felt, however, that the young man

HUMOROUS

34

TALES

was himself t h e sinner, having put t h e matter in

this f o r m but t o hide his identity. So h e said t o
him: "What a foolish m a n your friend the sinner
is! W h y did he need t o reveal his sins t o you;
could h e n o t just as well come t o m e himself, and
say that he had come o n behalf o f someone eles?"

At this shrewd thrust t h e young m a n discarded

his artifice, and confessed t o Rab Dovid 'I t h a t h e
was t h e sinner.

WHY M A K E

HIM SUFFER?

An author came t o Rabbi A b e l e o f Wilna, t o secure

his haskamah (approbation) o n a commentary deali n g w i t h t h e book o f Job he had just completed,
and t h e Rabbi acceded t o t h e request.
Subsequently, the same author came t o t h e Rabbi
f o r his haskamah o n a commentary o n Proverbs. T h e
Rabbi noted t h a t t h e work was not as skillfully done
as t h e previous one, and n o t wishing t o o f f e n d b y
criticism, merely said: "No,

I d o n o t wish t o give

assent ."'
"But, dear Rabbi," argued t h e author persistently, w i l l you n o t t e l l m e t h e reason why you preI,

ferred t h e commentary o n Job t o m y commentary

o n Proverbs?"
"Well,"
answered t h e Rabbi. "If you insist I
shall explain. Y o u know Job had a m i l l i o n troubles,
so t h a t one more book about h i m would, therefore,

HUMOROUS

TALES

35

be a slight added affliction f o r him; b u t Solomon

had a happy life, and I don't see why we should
make h i m suffer by your comments."

WHEN JEWS DANCE

In Prague a new city mayor was elected, mainly
through Jewish votes, as t h e Jews did n o t k n o w t h a t
he was secretly an anti-Semite. T h e Jewish comm u n i t y o f Prague tendered a dance and banquet
t o t h e newly-elected official, one o f t h e guests
being t h e celebrated Rabbi Ezekiel Lando.
T h e mayor-elect thought he saw an opportunity
t o say something awkward t o Rabbi Lando, and
remarked t o him:
"How f o n d you Jews are o f dancing!

It seems

t o be hereditary, f o r when their ancestors made t h e

golden calf in t h e wilderness, they not only worshipped it, b u t danced before it."
T h e Rabbi was n o t very pleased at t h e mayor's
recalling t h e infelicitous biblical inciednt, and answered dryly: "Yes, your honor; whenever t h e Jews
select an o x o r a calf f o r a leader, they are f o n d
o f dancing."

ALL DUE TQ HIM

Sheindele, t h e Rabbetzin o f Vashilishock, was
renowned "all over t h e world" as a great chachoma
(clever woman), and o n t h a t account always held

HUMOROUS

36

TALES

herself superior t o h e r husband, Reb Velvele, t h e

celebrated Rabbi o f Vashilishock.
One day, while engaged in h e r usual disputes
and arguments w i t h her distinguished husband, t h e
latter thought he would once and f o r a l l make h e r
understand that, notwithstanding all h e r wisdom, he
was her superior, and he said t o her:
"Now listen, m y dear Sheindele; why should you
be so proud o f yourself-is
Rabbetzin (rabbi's wife)?

it because y o u are a
T h e n d o n o t forget t h a t

t h i s is a l l due t o me, f o r you are a Rabbetzin only

because I a m a Rabbi."
"Yes,"

replied she, "that is true; but nothing

would prevent m e f r o m being t h e Rabbetzin of even

t h e largest Jewish community in t h e world, and it is
only through y o u that I a m t h e Rabbetzin o f such a
small place as Vashilishock."
T o this Reb Velvele could not find an immediate
reply. H e only bowed his head over his book and
mumbled, "Well."

ALWAYS IN THE SCALE OF MERIT

Rab Levi Isaac, o f Berditschev, was very renowne d in h i s days, not only as a great Talmudist and
Zaddik, but, particularly, as one who always-judged
others most favorably. H e possessed ingenuity in
discovering a m e r i t in even t h e most unprepossessi n g person, t h a t he was called t h e saneigor (de-

HUMOROUS

TALES

37

fender) o f Israel.
Once o n a Sabbath morning when Rab Levi Isaac
was o n his way t o t h e synagogue, he m e t a young
Jew, who was smoking a cigar, in disregard o f t h e
Sabbath law, and in t h e most bold-faced manner.
T h e Rabbi stopped h i m and said: "Surely you must
have forgotten that today is Sabbath?"
"No," answered the young man; "I know that
today is Sabbath."
"Then surely you are not aware t h a t smoking o n
Sabbath is prohibited?"
"No," he answered again; "I know t h a t smoking
is prohibited o n Sabbath."
"Ah!" said t h e Rabbi; "I see how t h e case stands;
maybe your teeth ache and you think it permissible
in such an event t o use it as a remedy, even on
Sabbath?"
"No, I d o n o t need t o smoke as a remedy; I'm
perfectly sound and well."
T h e Rabbi was nonplussed f o r a while, and t h e n
exclaimed: "Cod o f Israel, what a wonderful people
are t h e children o f Israel, t h a t even t h e i r sinners
have some m e r i t l e f t in them! For even such a
brazen-faced one as this young man, would rather
condemn himself by telling t h e truth, than hide
behind a lie!"

NO MONEY AND NO JEWS

Rabbi David Hess, who lived in t h e 1 8 t h century,

38

H U M O R O U S TALES

and is better known as Reb Tebele, was successively Rabbi of Mannheim, London and Berlin, and was
a very eminent Talmudic scholar, and a man o f
great piety.
H e was dissatisfied with his position in Berlin,
not only because he was underpaid, but chiefly
because the community there was composed o f people who d i d not interest themselves as he hoped
they might in Jewish affairs.
His colleague, the famous Rabbi Itzekel, o f
Hamburg, once visited him, and Reb Tebele unburdened t o his distinguished visitor his heart and
related his trials and tribulations.
"Understand me, Rabbi Itzekel," said Reb Tebele, "a position acceptable in every respect I have
never had, but the situation in Berlin is wrbearable."
"How so?" inquired Rabbi Itzekel.
"Well, it is like this; in Mannheim the people
were poor, but pious and Cod-fearing, so that 1 had
Jews but no money; in London they were rich and
generous, but too-worldly minded, and so there I
had money but n o Jews. Here in Berlin, the people
are neither pious nor generous so that here I have
neither money nor Jews."

THE RABBIS ALWAYS SLEEP

In Jerusalem there lived two very distinguished

HUMOROUS

TALES

39

and celebrated rabbis o f blessed memory-Rabbi

Samuel Salant and Rabbi Joshua Leib Diskin.
Rabbi Salant, who had resided f o r a considerable
t i m e in Palestine, had accustomed himself t o t h e
Oriental habit o f "early t o bed and early t o rise;"
while Rabbi Diskin had the Occidental custom o f ret i r i n g and arising at comparatively late hours.
There came t o Jerusalem a pious Russian Jew,
Reb Shiya Dovid Komalinka, t o spend t h e remaini n g years o f his earthly existence in t h e land o f t h e
Patriarchs, and t o engage in works o f piety. His
thought was t o take f o r his example t h e two great
Rabbis, renowned for t h e i r excellent virtues, Rabbi
Sa!ant and Rabbi Diskin.
Once he said t o his wife:

"I will go over and see how Rabbi Salant spends

his evenings," and when he arrived at t h e Rabbi's
house, he was t o l d that t h e Rabbi had already ret i r e d a t an early hour.

H e was duly impressed with

the thought, that such was t h e custom o f the holy

Rabbi-to
retire early.

And one morning h e said t o his wife:

"I w i l l g o and see how Rabbi Diskin spends his
mornings,"

and when he arrived at t h e Rabbi's

house, h e was t o l d that t h e Rabbi was n o t up yet,

although t h e hour was quite late. H e was about t o
be impressed w i t h t h e thought that this was t h e

40

HUMOROUS

TALES

custom of the holy Rabbis, but could not reconcile

it with his previous visit to Rabbi Salant. Greatly
perplexed, therefore, Reb Shiya Dovid returned t o
his home and said to his wife:

"It is amazing-shocking-the
Rabbis of the
Holy Land spend all their time i n sleep!"

"ISAAC SINGS8
It was the custom, whenever an author put forth
a literary work, to seek to obtain a haskamah ( a p
probation) by some distinguished Rabbi, whose foreword oftentimes determined the reception which
the book would receive. Books on every phase of
the Bible, Talmud, Cabbala-the
whole range of
human speculation regarding this world and the
next-were
produced from time to time, some
worthy, some less so, but all having one hadramah
or more.
Among the Rabbis whose hsrkamah was craved
by all authors, was the famous Reb lzel Harif, o f
Slonim. To h i m came a certain ambitious rchochet
(slaughterer) who had prepared a work of genius
on the prosaic subject of ritual slaughter, the book
being issued under the fanciful title Isaac Sings
(as the author's name happened t o be Isaac.) He
secured Reb Izel's haskamah and the book had,
therefore, a fine sale.

A friend of this schochet, Reb Shloime, also de-

HUMOROUS

TALES

41

cided t o write a book, and entitled it The Wisdom

of Solomon (his name being Solomon). H e applied t o Reb lzel for a haskamah but the latter,
after examining the book and seeing that it had
nothing of importance i n it, refused t o give his
approbation, saying, "We have too many books
already; I do not see the necessity for new ones."
"But you sanctioned the book o f m y friend,
Isaac, the schochei'," argued Reb Schloime. "Perhaps you do not like my title? I followed the
model o f Isaac-he
called his Isaac Sings because
his name is Isaac; I call mine The Wisdom of Sol*
mon because m y name is Solomon."

"It is not that," said the Rabbi; "the name of the

book is not the ground for my refusal, for as t o
that, I grant you that there is as much 'Wisdom' i n
your book as there is 'Music' i n your friend's book,
lsaac Sings."

DOCTOR: WHAT'S THE USE?

I n a town i n Austria, the Jewish community
wished t o become modem. When, therefore, the
old Rabbi passed away, the community engaged a
Rabbi who was ordanied at the Seminary, and was
an university man, with the degree of Doctor of
Philosophy. The community took great pride i n
the fact that they could call their Rabbi by the
dignified title o f "Doctor," and the Rabbi was also

HUMOROUS

42

TALES

particular t o be addressed only as "Doctor."

Once there came t o t h e Rabbi an old Jewish
woman bringing w i t h h e r a slaughtered chicken, t o
ask t h e rabbi a shaalah (a question concerning
kashruth).
"Rabbi," said she, "I found a needle in t h e
gizzard o f this chicken; k i n d l y examine it and t e l l
m e whether it is kosher or not."
"Please call m e 'doctor,'
he.

and n o t 'Rabbi',"

said

T h e woman paused a while, and then said:

"Goodbye, I'm sorry I troubled you," and prepared t o depart.
"Wait,"

said he, "let m e examine the chicken;

don't you want m e t o answer your shaalah?"

"Well," said t h e o l d woman, "I think I a m in t h e
wrong place, f o r i f you are a 'doctor' I need n o t
bother you about it, f o r what can a doctor do when
t h e chicken is already dead?"

WE ARE CQMFORTABLE NOW

There once came a poor Chasid t o t h e famous
and distinguished Rabbi Dovid'l Talner, complaini n g about his ill state o f affairs, saying:

"Oh Rabbi, pray f o r me; I have a w i f e and t e n

children, and o n l y one room t o live in; it is unbearable!"
"Have you a goat?" inquired t h e Rabbi, gravelv.

HUMOROUS

"Yes,"

TALES

43

answered t h e Chasid in astonishment.

"Then,"

said t h e Rabbi, "take it i n t o your house."

T h e Chasid did so, but a few days later came back

t o t h e Rabbi crying t h a t conditions were still worse,
as now he had n o place whereon t o lay h i s head.
B u t t h e Rabbi did n o t seem t o be affected b y his
appeal, and said:
"Have you chickens?"
"Yes."
"Take t h e m also i n t o your house," he said; and
w i t h a great deal o f wonderment, the Chasid did so
-for
who would dare t o disobey t h e holy and beloved Rabbi?

A few days later t h e Chasid reutrned again, his

lamentation this t i m e raised t o a higher pitch.
"Rabbi, Rabbi," exclaimed he; "for pity's sake,
I cannot stand it any longer! I: is beyond human
endurance!"
"Well, drive o u t t h e goat and chickens,"
t h e Rabbi.

said

A few days later t h e Chasid returned w i t h joyf u l reports.

"Holy Rabbi," said he, "we are so comfortable
now; may t h e L o r d prolong your days! You have
saved m y wife, m y children and myself!'
Rab Dovid'l, well pleased t o see his stratagem a
success, remarked t o some friends:

HUMOROUS

44

TALES

"People never k n o w when they are well o f f until

they find out how m u c h worse things m i g h t be!"

WANTED SOME OF HIS SICKNESS

Reb Moishe Wittenberg was a rich and learned
man, who spent his last years in Jerusalem. Rabbi
Zalmon Rivlin, secretary o f the Jewish community
o f Jerusalem, was a steady visitor at Wittenberg's
house, and succeeded in obtaining f r o m Reb
Moishe considerable sums f o r various charitable
purposes. However, Rabbi Rivlin always had t o
t e l l Reb Moishe something which would put h i m
in a good h u m o r before h e would contribute.
Once Rabbi Rivlin came t o Reb Moishe, and, f o r
once, failed t o ask f o r a donation, saying, that h e
had merely called t o inquire f o r his health. Reb
Moishe was rather surpised at such an unusual call,
and said, "Thanks, Rabbi Rivlin, f o r calling. T h a n k
the Lord, I feel fine. B u t is that all you came t o
see m e about?"
"Well," said Rabbi Rivlin, "King Solomon t o l d
m e that you are ill w i t h a severe sickness."
"King Solomon? W h a t d o you mean; what kind
o f sickness have I?" ,
I,

K i n g Solomon says," answered Rabbi Rivlin,

'there is a grievous sickness, namely, riches kept
by t h e owner thereof t o his hurt'."

HUMOROUS

TALES

45

Reb Moishe smiled and said: 'I d i d not know that

I was so gravely ill w i t h this sickness; but thank you
anyhow f o r calling o n me, f o r you have through it
performed the meritorious act o f visiting the sick."
"But," said Rabbi Rivlin, "I have not f u l f i l l e d m y
duty in f u l l yet, as t h e Rabbis say, 'any one who
visits t h e sick takes o n himself one-sixtieth o f the
sickness---and I have not taken f r o m your sicksickness anything at all."
Reb Moishe understood the hint, and gave him
a substantial donation.

A GENERAL RULE
Reb Shlomka Goldes Yerusalimsky was famous
not only as a rabbi and scholar, but especially as a
great welt mensch (practical in worldly affairs).
Whenever he was i n company, he liked t o discuss
nothing else but business. This d i d not suit the
Parnas o f Boiberick, where Reb Shlomka was rabbi.
This Parnas (head o f t h e congregation), Reb
Velvel Meyuchas, although a layman, was always
f o n d o f discussing subjects f r o m the Torah. H e
once remarked t o Reb Schlomka: "Do you know,
Rabbi, that people say it is a wonder t o t h e m that
you, t h e Rabbi, discuss nothing but business, while
I, a layman, discuss nothing but biblical subjects?"
''By t h e general rule," answered the Rabbi, "it is

46

HUMOROUS TALES

proper that I should discuss business, and you the

Torah."
"By what rule?" asked the Parnas.
"By the rule," answered the Rabbi, "that people are usually fond of discussing those subjects
they know the least about."

IT MAY LEAD ME HOME

Rabbi Nahman Zaddik was rabbi of Schnipishock,
Russia, a t a time when that place had not yet become a "big town." The Jews there were very
poor, and a l l he was supplied with by his parishioners as compensation for his rabbinical work was
a Bridrchke or cart and horse. With these he was
enabled to visit the surrounding villages, and collect
from the farmers donations for his household.
In course of time, the reins of the horse's harness were so worn out, that he could not use them
any more. He appealed to the parnas (head of his
congregation) for a new pair, saying: "I must ask
you to get me a new pair of reins for my horse's
harness; the old ones are completely worn out."
"What do you need reins for?" answered the
parnas. "Let the horse direct you, for what difference does it make to you where it will take you?"
"Oh, yes; it does," replied the Rabbi; "your suggestion sounds very well but there i s a condition

HUMOROUS

TALES

47

it doesn't cover, and that is, i n case I should wish

t o continue collecting donations and the horse

wished t o return home, the animal m i g h t lead m e
home before I had made m y rounds!"

WHY BLAME ALL POOR?

T h e famous Rabbi Jose Dumbrover o f Dumbrova
was constantly engaged in collecting funds f o r the
poor, t h e widows and the orphans. H e was m u c h
beloved, and everyone gave freely t o t h e Rabbi's
charities-especially Reb Favish, one o f the richest
Jews o f Dumbrova.
Once Rabbi Josele came t o Reb Favish f o r a donation f o r a needy family, and t o the Rabbi's surprise, Reb Favish refused t o contribute. This was
the first t i m e t h e latter had ever failed t o d o sa.
"What has happened?" inquired the Rabbi;
"maybe, Cod forbid, you have lost your fortune?"

"NO," answered Reb Favish, "but the reason f o r

m y refusal o f your request is this: T h e other day
Mordekai Schnorrer died, and they found on h i s
body thousands o f ranishes (Austrian money), and
so I began t o feel that it is useless t o waste money
o n the poor, f o r they all are impostors."
II

B u t have you not seen poor people who desire

t o appear rich," asked the Rabbi, "wearing costly
apparel, living i n grand style? A n d yet all the rich
are not blamed o n their account.
continued he, "if one rich m a n desires

48

HUMOROUS

TALES

to appear poor, why then should all the poor be

blamed?"
After a few minutes' pondering, the logic of the
Rabbi overcame Reb Favish's objection, and he
gave a substantial donation for the needy who were
the objects of his interest.

W H A T I OUGHT TO BE
Rabbi Akiba Eger, of Posen, who became famous
i n the early years of the nineteenth century as the
foremost Talmudist o f his time, was a great zaddik (pious man), and especially was he celebrated
as an onov (meek person). People used t o say he
was as modest as Moses.
He once received a letter from a rabbi in which,
at considerable length, the writer lauded i n the
most flattering terms the scholarship and saintly
qualities of Rabbi Eger.
For a long time the latter pondered over the
opening salutation, which was so complimentary.
His disciples, who knew that it was foreign t o his
nature t o take any delight in such praise, after a
while asked him: "Rabbi, we know that your natural modesty does not crave flattering titles; why,
then, do you pay so much attention to the complimentary references t o yourself i n this letter?"
"You do not understand," he replied; "I do not
take to myself these laudatory titles, but I am think-

HUMOROUS

TALES

49

i n g t o myself, 'This is what I ought t o be; all that

which is here written, is what I should strive t o deserve'."

JUST FORTY
Rabbi Moishe, of Kalenkovitch, was noted f o r his
great hospitality, and n o t only received the poor
w i t h a cheerful countenance as the Talmud directs,
but in a good natured manner he would call attent i o n t o breaches o f etiquette which his guests sometimes inadvertently committed.
Reb Moishe once entertained two maggidim
(travelling preachers-. One o f t h e m ate and drank
in excess, ant! his companion, desiring t o check

him, turned t o Reb Moishe and said:

"The T a l m u d says: 'up t o f o r t y years o f age a

m a n is benefitted rather b y eating than drinking,
and a f t e r forty, b y d r i n k i n g more than by eating.'
B u t I cannot understand under what theory m y
friend is conducting himself; if the is under forty,
why does he drink so liberally? A n d if he is over
forty, why does he eat excessively?"
Reb Moishe paused a moment and said:
"We are also t o l d i n the Talmud t o judge others

from the most favorable side;

I presume your

friend is just forty today, and can therefore avail

himself of the advantages o f b o t h sides o f t h e
rule."

50

H U M O R O U S

TALES

GENUINE AND IMITATION

Rabbi Michele was Chief Rabbi of Krinkischock
at the scanty salary o f three rubles a week. Having
a Babbizin (wife) and six children he struggled t o
make both ends meet. He was, therefore, obliged
t o appeal to the heads of the community for an
increase i n salary.
These dignitaries summoned the Rabbi and
showed h i m i n the Pinkas (official record o f the
community), that the Rabbi's many predecessors
had not received even three rubles a week.
"Rabbi," said they, "are you greater than all
these rabbis who served before you? Y e t they
were never paid more than two rubles, while you
are receiving three."
"Just because I am not as great as they were,"
he replied, "I should be paid more."
"How so?" they inquired.

"I can explain it i n a very simple way," said he.

"You all know that i n the market one may buy a
f a t chicken for a ruble, b u t a good painting o f one
which is only a likeness, an imitation o f the chicken,
may cost a hundred rubles."

A WISE STRATAGEM
Rabbi Yankele Kovler was famous all over the
world as a great chacham, (wise man), and his de-

HUMOROUS

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51

cisions in settling disputes were universally praised, so that even goyim (gentiles), preferred t o g o
t o h i m with their complaints and problems, rather
than t o the little esteemed Russian civil courts.
Once a non-Jewish Russian merchant came t o
Rabbi Yankele, complaining that a Jew named
Berka Aaronovitch Schmuelevitch had borrowed
from h i m ten rubles, and now denied the debt.
The Rabbi summoned Berka, who flatly denied
the indebtedness.
"Are there any witnesses?" inquired the Rabbi.
"No,"

replied the merchant.

"Then," said the Rabbi, "I shall have t o find

out for myself the truth o f the matter."
H e asked both o f them many questions and concluded in his own mind that the gentile was telling
the truth, and that Berka was brazenly denying the
t r u t h o f the case, because o f the absence o f witnesses.
Rabbi Yankele said t o Berka in Yiddish, in an
offhand, confidential way:
"How lucky for you that there are no witnesses!
If you stick t o your denial he cannot prosecute, and
the ten rubles will be yours."
"You are the wisest man in the world, Rabbi,"
replied Berka; "I am wise, too, for the same
thought was in m y mind from the moment I got

52

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the money; rest assured that Berka knows w h a t he

has to do."
With a complete change of tone and manner
the Rabbi addressed Berka:
"Berka Aaronovitch Schmuelevitch, you have admitted the debt; now pay this man a t once," commanded he, sternly.
Berka's look of astonishment a t the Rabbi's unexpected stand was a study in mixed emotions
which the Rabbi never recalled without a hearty
laugh. He paid, and the Russian merchant needless
to say, departed well satisfied.

A TALISMANIC BOOK
To Rabbi Joseph Saul Nathansohn, the famous
Rabbi of Lemberg (1808-18751, there came a man
who had written a book, and asked that the Rabbi
should give his haskamah (sanction), in order that
the book might have a favorable reception by the
public.
Rabbi Nathansohn examined the book, and, finding that it consisted of more chaff than grain, refused to give it his approbation. All the pleading
of the author for his brain-child was in vain, for
the Rabbi would not sanction the publication.
"What," said the author, "does the Rabbi mean
to say that my book has no value whatever?"
I,
I t may have a use for you, but for no one else,"

HUMOROUS

TALES

53

replied t h e Rabbi.
" W h a t does the Rabbi mean?" inquired t h e author.
"What use can it have f o r men, when I already
k n o w its contents?"

I mean," said t h e Rabbi, "that you can use

your book for a segulah (talisman) against t h e attacks o f shedim (evil influences when you are o u t
alone a t night."
I ,

"How

is that!"

exclaimed t h e author; " i f t h e

Rabbi does n o t even sanction t h e publication, how

can t h e work have such a m e r i t as t o be a talisman
against t h e evil t h a t lurks in t h e dark?"
I,

I w i l l explain," answered t h e Rabbi.

"Do you
recollect in t h e Talmud, t h e statement t h a t a scholar
o f t h e law ought n o t t o g o out alone a t night, as the
shedim are envious o f h i s learning and may attack
him?"

"Yes,'' said t h e author, "but what has t h a t t o

do w i t h m y book?"

"A great deal," said Rabbi Nathansohn, "for if

any shed sees t h e book and knows you are t h e
author, it w i l l realize t h a t you are n o t t o be mistaken f o r a scholar, and thus you w i l l be quite free
f r o m its envious attack."

A SOLOMONIC DECISON
T o t h e famous Rabbi Saul, o f Tiktin, there came

54

HUMOROUS TALES

two women, both holding on t o a five-ruble note,

and each claiming it. "It is mine!" cried one. "It's
mine, it's mine," exclaimed the other.
A l l the Rabbi's questioning elicited no information t o guide h i m i n reaching a decision.
Rabbi Saul went into another room, leaving the
door slightly ajar, while he spoke t o the Rabbetzin
(his wife):

"I have before me, a difficult problem, the solving of the question as t o who is the owner of a fiveruble note. There is no evidence t o enable me to
ascertain the truth of the matter, although there is
a good siman, (sign o f identification), on the note,
for as you see, one corner is a little torn, but neither
of them have noticed it. I don't know what I'm
to do."
One of the women overheard the Rabbi's talk t o
the Rabbetzin, and when he returned, exclaimed:
"Holy Rabbi, the five-ruble note is mine, and I
just now remember a good simar? it has; I can prove
to you that it is mine!"
"By what?" inquired the Rabbi.
"Look at one of the corners of the note," she
replied, "and you will find that it is a little t o m
on one comer."
"Is that so," said Rabbi Saul, "you must have
good ears," and, turning to the other woman, he

HUMOROUS

TALES

55

said: "Here, madam, is your money. As there is

n o t o r n corner o n the note, it surely does n o t belong t o her, and must, therefore, be yours."

HE PROVED HE DIDN'T KNOW

Rabbi Jonathan Eybeshutz (1690-1764) was famous n o t only among Jews as a great scholar and
zaddik, b u t was also highly regarded by Christians
for his unusual acumen. H e was in close contact
w i t h t h e leaders and authorities o f the time, and
frequently had discussions w i t h the bishops o f t h e
church. One Sabbath morning, the Rabbi was
wending his way t o the synagogue, and encountered the Burgomeister o f Prague, a notable prince
o f t h e royal family, who, after exchanging greetings w i t h him, inquired:
"Rabbi,
hour?"

where are you going at such a n early

"Your Excellency," replied the Rabbi, "I know

n o t where I a m going."
Surprised and angered, the noble thought the
Rabbi had thus replied flippantly in order t o belittle
his dignity, o f which he was very jealous; and he ordered his adjutant t o arrest h i m f o r public disrespect
t o the authorities.
I
A s the adjutant stepped forward t o execute t h e
order, the Rabbi said t o t h e Burgomeister:
"Your Excellency, you now see t h a t I did n o t

56

HUMOROUS

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know where I was bound, for I thought I was going

to the synagogue, and I am instead evidently going
to prison."
A t this the prince smiled and said to the adjutant; "Release him."
I1

Your Excellency," continued the Rabbi, "does

not this demonstrate even more clearly that my
first reply was proper? For I thought, for a moment, that my destination was the prison, and here
I am free to proceed to the synagogue!"
The prince laughed, and parted from the serene
old philosopher on the best of terms.

I F HE HAD BUT TEN

The famous Rabbi Schlomka Harubschoiver, of
Harubschoiv, was known a l l over the world as one
whose love of truth made him absolutely intolerant
of the slightest untruthfulness in anyone.
There lived in Harubschoiv an influential Jew,
Reb Mendel Karger, who, although a rich man, was
notoriously penurious.
At one time Rabbi Schlomka was in conversation
with a visiting Rabbi while Reb Mendel was present.
II

How do your parishioners treat you?" inquired

the visitor.
"Thank the Lord, I have nothing to complain
of," replied Rabbi Schlomka, and pointing to Reb

HUMOROUS

TALES

57

Mendel, said t o t h e visitor: " I f I had only ten badeib a t i m (parishioners) like him, everything would be
as nearly perfect as it could be."
Reb M e n d e l f e l t very m u c h complimented b y t h e
Rabbi's remark, and, after the visitor left, said t o
him:
"Rabbi, I was rather surprised at your remark,
nevertheless; f o r I must confess that you have
never had a g r e i b e r (small Austrian coin) f r o m m e
without great moral persuasion o n your part; what
surprises m e is, that it is well known that you are
relentlessly in search f o r t h e truth, so how could
you say so?"
"Understand me, Reb Mendel,"
replied the
Rabbi; "I said i f I had only t e n like you, everything
would be a l l right, b u t the trouble is they are a l l
like you. I f m y visiting colleague took m y statem e n t in t h e same sense you did, let h i m d o so, f o r
it w i l l redound t o the credit o f the c o m m u n i t y in
any event."

WHY NOT HIRE A HAZAN?

Zolel Hazan, t h e famous Cantor o f Odessa, although he did n o t possess a beautiful voice, was a
gifted composer. H i s special s k i l l consisted in
directing his choir.
Once Zolel and his choir visited t h e c i t y o f
Sadagora at the invitation o f t h e great Zaddik,

58

HUMOROUS

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Rabbi Abraham Jacob, known as the Sadagoraer.

H e and the choir conducted the Sabbath services.
A f t e r the services Zolel inquired of the Rabbi:
"How do you like m y davenen, (rendition o f the
service)?"
"Of course, your davenen delighted me," replied
the Zaddik, "but why are you so miserly?"
"What!" said the visiting Cantor, "am I not
spending enormous sums o n m y choir, which is the
finest any hazan has?"
"If so," said the Zaddik, "why d o y w not hire a
hazan (cantor), too?"

N O RESPONDING TO DONKEYS
Rabbi Moses Schreiber ( 1763- 1839))the renowned Rabbi o f Presburg, known also as t h e Chassam
Sofer, was the founder and head o f the great rabbinical academy at Presburg, and was regarded as the
foremost Rabbi o f his time. Questioned o f Jewish
law were sent t o h i m from all parts o f the world
and it was customary for h i m t o answer them
promptly.

A Rabbi o f a small town in Hungary once wrote

t o h i m on 3 point o f law, and concluded his letter
thus:
"Although this question was f u l l y discussed b y
our predecessors of olden times, yet I am doubtful
whether we may fully rely upon their opinions, for

HUMOROUS

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TALES

after all, they were but men, earthly beings apt

t o err."
Rabbi Schreiber did not reply t o this letter.
A f t e r a lapse o f time the correspondent became impatient, and went t o Presburg t o discuss t h e matter
i n person with Rabbi Schreiber.
"May it please your grace," said he, when they
met, "to tell me why I was not favored with a reply
t o m y inquiry, as I am aware that it is your custom
t o answer your correspondents promptly?"
"The reason is, that I do not care t o have correspondence with donkeys," replied the great Rabbi
unexpectedly.
"What do you mean?" said the visitor i n surprise.

" 'If

our predecessors were as angels, we are as

men; and i f they were only as men, we are, in comparison, only as donkeys1--do

you not recall this

passage from the Talmud?" asked the Rabbi.

"What then; what has that t o do with me?" asked the other.
"Only this," answered the Rabbi, "you stated i n
your letter that our predecessors 'were men, earthly
beings apt t o err1---and i f you hold so, then draw
your conclusion from the passage from Tractate
Sabbath which I have just quoted t o you."

HUMOROUS TALES

60

I T CAN NEVER HAPPEN TO H I M

It is said o f Rabbi lzel Harif, o f Slonim, t h a t he
once applied t o a r i c h m a n f o r a donation towards
t h e building o f a new T a l m u d Torah.

T h e wealthy

member o f the community rather unexpectedly

refused t o give f o r this worthy object.
A s the collectors for community purposes g o in
pairs, the Rabbi h a d w i t h h i m a companion at t h e
time, who said t o him:

"I a m astonished that h e gave nothing; usually

he does give t o charity whenever a collector comes."

"In a way he may be in t h e r i g h t t h i s time,"

Rabbi Izel.
II

said

H o w so?" asked his companion in surprise.

"Because those who give f o r charity usually d o

it f r o m t h e fear t h a t t h e misfortune which they are
helping t o alleviate may be one that w i l l sometime
befall them,-they

give f o r cripples, because the

thought comes t o them, that sometime, perhaps,

they w i l l themselves be crippled; t o t h e blind for
fear t h a t they may become blind, and so on; but as
f o r education, why should he give t o i t ? T h e thirst
f o r learning is never likely t o a f f l i c t him."

AS MUCH AS YOU WANT

In the o l d c i t y o f Kahilischock, there lived a
Rabbi called Reb Mendele Chacham (the Wise),
who acquired this appelation, l i k e did K i n g S o l e

HUMOROUS TALES

61

m o n o f old, through a famous decision.

T h e case was as follows: A Jew o f that city b y t h e
name o f Reb Z a l m o n Schlim, while o n a journey t o a
distant place, became sick, and o n h i s death-bed
asked a fellow Jew o f Kahilischock, one Feivel
Harzbrecher, who happened t o be there, t o deliver
his fortune o f t e n thousand Rubles t o his wife.
Feivel refused t o accept t h e responsibility, and
was n o t w i l l i n g t o undertake the commission a t any
price t h e sick m a n offered. Finally, Reb Z a l m o n
said t o him:' "Well, neighbor, as I a m dying, take
t h e t e n thousand Rubles, and give m y w i f e as m u c h
o f it as y o u want."
Feivel accepted t h e money, and Reb Z a l m o n
having died, returned t o Kahilischock and called u p
o n Reb Zalmon's widow, and said t o her: "Your
husband gave m e t e n thousand Rubles, w i t h t h e
understanding t h a t I should give you as m u c h o f
it as I want-here
I give you a thousand rubles."
T h e widow in h e r dilemma appealed t o Reb
Mendele, t h e Rabbi o f Kahilischock, who called
Feivel Harzbrecher and inquired i n t o t h e matter;
Feivel repeated t h e words o f t h e dying Reb Zalmon
t o justify his keeping nine thousand Rubles."

But Reb Mendele ordered h i m t o give nine thousand Rubles t o his widow, and keep one thousand
"Why, Rabbi," said Feivel, "on what grounds
d o y o u base your decision, is n o t this purely arbi-

62

HUMOROUS

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trary?"
"Not at all," answered Reb Mendele. "Accoding t o your own words you were instructed t o give
t o Reb Zalmon's widow 'as much o f t h e ten thousand Rubles as you wantu--and how much do you
want? N i n e thousand Rubles; so this is the amount
you will have t o give t o her."
This decision greatly pleased the Rabbi's colleagues everywhere, and they applied t o it the verse
in the Psalms: "With t h e pure thou w i l t show thyself pure, b u t with the crooked dost thou show
thyself subtle."

IT CROWED FOR ME
The old Rabbi, Reb Zolmuna, o f Rachmanifka,
was famous and beloved o n account o f his w i t and
wisdom. H e used t o settle even severe disputes in
an offhand way, and usually t o the satisfaction o f
all concerned, thereby restoring peace and order
in the community.
But the greatest fame Reb Zolmuna gained was
through a very tangled affair between two outstanding Jews o f Rachmanifka, which happened in
this wise:
Reb Todros Foigel, a rich, pious and respectable
Jew, bought f o r himself a rooster, for t h e sole purpose o f being awakened by its crowing at midnight,
in order that he might then recite the chrrath

HUMOROUS

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63

prayers and lamentations, which as everyone knows,

tradition sets f o r exactly that hour.
Reb Todros had a neighbor, Reb Zarach Tobeles
by name, who was like himself-rich,
pious a n d
respectable. A chance remark revealed t o Reb
Todros that his neighbor, instead o f going t o t h e
trouble o f purchasing a rooster o f his own t o awaken
h i m at m i d n i g h t f o r the chazoth prayer, made use
o f t h e crowing o f his, Reb Todros' rooster.
"What m e r i t can there be in Reb Zarch's prayer,"
thought Reb Todros t o himself, "when h i s opport u n i t y o f reciting it is, so t o say, a stolen one?
Can m e r i t be acquired by sin? For it says in t h e Talm u d t h a t one may n o t f u l f i l l a mligiws duty
through a transgression!"
So when he next m e t Reb Zarach h e said t o him:
"I w i l l allow you t o contribute toward m y rooster's
upkeep, in order that you may properly share in
his summoning you f o r chazoth."
Great was Reb Todros' astonishment when Reb
Zarach replied:
"Nay; why should I? Does n o t the T a l m u d say
that one may even be compelled t o p e r m i t his
neighbor t o receive a benefit, so long as the owner
o f t h e property has n o additional expense imposed
in doing so? It costs you no more t o feed a rooster
because I also awaken by its crowing."

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These differing viewpoints were taken u p by Reb

Todros' and Reb Zarach's families, and then by the
students at the Beth ha-Midrash (synagogue), and
finally divided Rachmanifka into two camps, and
the principals, Reb Todros and Reb Zarach, applied
to the Rabbi for a Din Torah (law suit).
The Rabbi, Reb Zolmuna, heard both sides, and
said: "I am ready to render a decision, but as this
is a difficult problem, I must demand a high price
for P d - G e l t (fees); you must, as the law requires,
pay equally-it
will be a whole Ruble from each o f
you."
Each litigant placed his Ruble before the
Rabbi, and he continued: "You, Reb Todros, claim
that your rooster must crow only for you; you, Reb
Zarach, claim it crows for whomsoever may hear it.
M y decision is, that it crows for neither of you, but
for me, in order that I may receive fees of two
Rubles."
The litigants sat speechless for a moment, and
when they saw where the decision left them, each
began to laugh. The Rabbi joined with them, and
seeing that they were satisfied; gave back to each
one a Ruble and dismissed them. When people
heard the Rabbi's decision they also laughed, and
peace and harmony were restored i n Rachmanifka.

WHEN CRITICISM I S A N INSULT

Rabbi Schlomka Itzkovitz, of Angelifka, was ad-

HUMOROUS

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65
-

m i r e d b y his people f o r his frankness i n admonishi n g t h e wrong-doer whenever occasion called f o r

it. Once there came t o h i m a young m a n whom
t h e Rabbi very candidly reprimanded for such faults
as he had observed in him, and at t h e conclusion
o f his remarks, paused, eyed t h e young m a n severel y a moment, and t h e n said: "Young man, I beg
your pardon for saying t o you what I have said."

"I think there is n o occasion f o r you t o ask pardon,"

answered t h e other, surprised and rather

embarrassed at t h e change o f tone.

are saying this only f o r m y good."

"I know you

"I wish," said t h e Rabbi, "there was n o occasion

f o r m e t o apologize, but I fear there is."
"Why?"

asked t h e young man.

"I w i l l explain," answered t h e Rabbi.

"I noticed

t h a t m y word had n o effect upon you; i f they had

affected you, they would have been f o r your good,
and I should have n o occasion t o ask your pardon,

but since they were o f n o effect, they merely constitute an insult, and I must ask your pardon for
uttering them."

THE OLDER THE WISER

W h e n Rabbi Yankele Harif, o f Wilna, came t o
America t o assume t h e chief rabbinate o f N e w
York, t h e officers o f t h e synagogue requested h i m
t o deliver his sermons in t h e morning o n Sabbath

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instead of in the afternoons, as was customary in

olden times. Rabbi Yankele refused t o alter his
custom, and they argued the question, the officers
alleging that it was the custom among the modems
to speak i n the morning instead of the afternoon,
and asked him why he did not think it proper t o
do so.
"Well," he said, "the Mishna says that real
scholars become wiser as they become older, and,
per contra, the dunces become more foolish as they
become older. I think this is the reason for the
old custom--the scholars of olden times left the
sermon for the afternoon of Sabbath when they
had become older than they were in the moming, and the modems are afraid that i f they do not
deliver their sermon i n the morning, by the afternoon they will lose what little wit they have to put
into it."

A HEADACHE REMEDY
There came to Rabbi Schmelke Peterseil, of Rozwadow (Galicia), a "free-thinker," a young fellow
named Nutke Ningam, who would ridicule and belittle the Talmud by picking out dubious sayings
from it for discussion with the Rabbi.
"Now, Rabbi," he said, "I'll show you it's all nonsense; it says for instance i n Eirubin, 'One who has
a headache should study the Talmud.' Can you

HUMOROUS

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67

give me any reason for that?"

"If that is the point on which you want to disprove the Talmud, you have picked out a passage
that exactly disproves your proposition," answered
the Rabbi.
"How is that?" asked Nutke.
"Well, for example," answered the Rabbi, "if you
had a headache and studied the Talmud, you would
very soon find that you had no head at all when you
entered its mazes-and
where then would your
headache be?"

POWER OF PRAYER
A n old couple came t o Rabbi Marcus Adler, of
Hanover, and asked him an odd question. They
wished t o know how they could be sure that their
son kept u p the practice of davenen, (reciting the
daily prayers), and "laying tefillin" while he was
away from home-he
being a traveling salesman.
As they were very strict observers c f Jewish tradition they feared their son would become negligent,
and forget his promises to them, when he was on
the road.
"That will be easy," answered the Rabbi; "pack
his handkerchiefs i n the bag with his tallith and

tefillin."
A few days later, his mother received a letter
asking her why she had not packed his handker-

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HUMOROUS TALES

chiefs in his grip.

This letter t h e mother showed t o t h e Rabbi,
who t o l d her t o write in reply: "Pray t o God, and
y o u w i l l find a l l you seek."
T h e mother did so.
T h e young m a n returned home in due time, still
protesting t o his mother t h a t he had not been able
t o find out where his handkerchiefs were. She
brought h i m around t o see t h e Rabbi, who said
t o him:

"Did y o u d o as I advised, and pray t o t h e Lord?"

"Holy Rabbi," said t h e young man, "how would
m y praying have anything t o d o w i t h f i n d i n g t h e
handkerchiefs? T h e days o f miracles are past."

"I still believe,"

answered t h e Rabbi, "that

if

you would pray in t h e proper manner you would

find what you seek."
T h e young m a n was impressed b y t h e Rabbi's
calm confidence in t h e power o f prayer, and
t h o u g h t f u l l y went t o d o n his t a l l i t h and tefllin.
W h e n he found his handkerchiefs in t h e bag,
packed there together w i t h his t a l l i t h and tefillin,
h e understood.

FULL CREDIT
T h e distinguished Rabbi and noted philofogist,
Alexander K o h u t (1 842-1 8941, whose A m c h is one
o f t h e immortal works o f scholarship, was, f r o m his
earliest y o u t h a phenomenally industrious student,

HUMOROUS

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69

having mastered the language and literature o f

Eastern and Western civilization at an early age.
H e was a student at Breslau under the regime o f
Rabbi Zecharia Frankel,

and completed studies

which usually required seven o r t e n years, in about

five years, receiving his rabbinical diploma in 1867.
One o f his fellow students complained t o Rabbi
Frankel, saying:

"I have been in this institution t e n years and

have n o t yet obtained t h e diploma, while K o h u t
receives his in five years."
"You are mistaken.

K o h u t has been here over

seven years," answered t h e Rabbi.

"How so? I was here when he began his studies
in our seminary, and it is exactly five years and

four months,"

said the student.

"Kohut turned his nights into days f o r the purpose o f study,"

replied the Rabbi, "and i f you had

been as zealous as he has beer?, I would be glad t o

credit you in your studies w i t h twenty years."

A N EFFECTIVE THREAT
Reb Aaron Nusan Sofer,

Hazzan (cantor) o t

Jerusalem f o r many years, was in his o l d age unable

t o officiate regularly because o f t h e impairment o f
his voice; as a matter o f fact, he was most appreciated when he was n o t officiating. People respected him highly, however, as he was a very pious,

HUMOROUS

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earnest and learned man, and had been Hazzan

since the earliest recollection o f t h e oldest member. They did not, therefore, deprive h i m o f t h e
incidental emoluments o f t h e position o f Haazan,
although another cantor was enaged t o perform his
office. T h e latter was regarded b y Reb Aaron as
a mere infant; f o r in Reb Aaron's opinion there was
only one Hazzan, and t h a t was Reb Aaron.
Chanukah was a very busy season f o r o l d Reb
Aaron Nusan,

as he had t h e n t o visit a l l t h e

baale-batim (parishioners) o f t h e congregation, and

obtain his Chanukah-geld, t h e customary g i f t which
tradition has established for t h e season. H e had t o
make haste, but at every house he was detained, as
every one wanted t o chat w i t h h i m awhile.
"Mordkai,"
said he t o t h e Shammas (sexton)
who accompained him, lantern in hand, t o light his
way: "I must devise a scheme so t h a t people w i l l
n o t detain me; we w i l l never get t h r o u g h o u r visits

if we linger like this."

"What w i l l you do?" asked Mordkai. "You cannot simply g o in and say, 'Give m e m y Chmukahgeld,'

and run out.

"Ha! People say a Hazzan is a fool or he would

not have been a Hazaa-but
I w i l l show you one
Hazzan who is f a r f r o m b e i n g a fool! W e are now
at Reb ltza Yankel's house where I always get a f a t

HUMOROUS

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71

Chanukah gift, but they keep m e about an hour,

eating latkes, telling stories, even discussing a
word o f Torah; watch m e this time, Mordkai, how
short I w i l l make it, and get a good g i f t too.''
"Don't spoil it," cautioned Mordkai, "this house
means something t o me, too."
T h e scene changes t o t h e interior o f Reb Itza's
house, where in t h e glow and c o m f o r t o f t h e interior, children play Chanukah games, o r cease
t h e i r play t o listen t o one o f t h e elders t e l l a story.
T h e street door swings open, a cold, frost-laden a i r
rushes in, and there stand two figures, wound
around and around w i t h wraps, one w i t h lantern in
hand.

They are Reb Aaron and t h e Shammas

Mordkai.

"Good Chanukah!" calls Reb Aaron.

H a l f a dozen salutations in response greet him,
as t h e group beckon h i m in t o warmth, good cheer
and fellowship. It is a temptation, but Reb Aaron
is a m a n o f resolution.
he says solemnly:

Raising his hand f o r silence,

"Reb Itza, this is Chanukah."

Paused in suspense, t h e family wait respectfully
for t h e venerable Hazzan t o unburden himself o f
what evidently is an important message.
' T i m e is short; many places I have t o visit, and
there is but one evening--"
"Yes, yes," they encouraged him, "what then?"

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"Just this," said he, w i t h a tone o f dreadful

threat, "give m e m y Chanukah-geld a t once and let
m e go, or I shall sing!"
This unexpected threat startled Reb ltza into
giving h i m a double portion as h i s Chanukah gift,
and even M o r d k a i the Shammas, in the confusion
of t h e moment, got a double portion f o r himself, too.

As t h e two trudged along the wintry street o f t h e

H o l y City, Reb Aaron said t o Mordkai:
"Well, how was that f o r strategy?"
"You should have been called Solomon,"
t h e Shammas, w i t h admiration.

replied

HEARTS ARE TRUMPS

Rabbi A k i b a Eger (176 1- 18371, whose noble and
self-sacrificing character and great Talmudic leaming made h i m universally beloved, was once upon
a winter's n i g h t sitting up a t a late h o u r and studying.

A g i r l w i t h a note from h e r father was ushered

i n t o his study.

H e took it, and read as follows:

"Dear and H o l y Rabbi: In m y great distress I

must appeal t o you; there is not a piece o f bread
in m y house; m y wife and six children are almost
dying o f hunger, and I cannot find employment.
If I had as m u c h money as a card-player would lose
in an evening at a game in t h e Commercial C l u b
it would save m e from distress. (Signed) Jacob

HUMOROUS

73

TALES

Heart."
N o one who beheld t h e messenger or read t h e
message could be indifferent, and Rabbi Eger was
deeply moved. "Can I fetch supplies o u t o f t h e
air," t h o u g h t h e t o himself; "am I such a miracle
worker?" T h e n h e happened t o glance at t h e note
o f despair again and saw t h e words "Commercial
Club."
An omen," said he; t h e n t o t h e girl,
come," and t h r o u g h t h e cold dark streets they
went straight t o t h e Commercial Club.
II

Greatly amazed were t h e players t h a t at t h e unexpected sight o f thd venerable Rabbi a t such a late
hour at t h a t place; his glance seeming t o pierce
t h e m through. They arose in reverence and paused
expectantly.
"Do n o t distrub yourselves,"
came here t o join in w i t h you."

said t h e Rabbi; "I

T h e game continued, while t h e Rabbi sat as

though he had been an interested spectator. Finally
he took o u t t h e letter t h a t t h e g i r l had brought him,
and laying it upon t h e table said:
"Tell me, are not hearts trumps?"

A player read t h e letter and handed it around.

They all understood t h e hint, and t h e spokesman
pushed t h e stakes over t o t h e Rabbi, saying:
"Yes, y o u win."

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HUMOROUS TALES

A PRACTICAL LESSON
Rabbi Jonah Sweitzer, o f Warsaw, was very learned and respected by all who k n e w h i m for his
thorough knowledge o f Jewish law and tradition.
With an infallible memory and indefatigable industry h e managed in his y o u t h t o master t h e great
storehouses o f Jewish literature.

An appeal was once made t o h i m o n behalf of a

destitute family of newcomers, who in poverty and
suffering lacked t h e necessary household comforts.
T h e family needed blankets, f o r t h e winter was o f
cruel coldness.
T h e Rabbi remembered a comfortable parishione r who rarely contributed t o charity, a hard, t h o u g h
strictly correct, sort o f man, and t h a t spirit o f
liveliness which is sometimes latent in t h e scholar,
moved t h e Rabbi t o t r y a ruse, and advance t h e welfare o f humanity at t h e same time.

It was a dark, cold freezing n i g h t when t h e Rabbi

called a t t h e parishioner's house. Great was t h e
surprise of t h e latter when h e saw t h e Rabbi at his
door. H e invited h i m in eagerly, f o r it was an
honor t o grasp t h e hand of t h e ma'n who stood so
h i g h in t h e esteem of a l l m e n as did Rabbi Sweitzer
-the
very type o f t h e refined, thoughtful, bredin-the-bone gentleman.
T h e Rabbi politely refused t o enter and suavely,

HUMOROUS

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75

elusively, charmingly managed t o hold the parishioner i n the doorway, not entering, not concluding, until
the parishioner at last, feeling the demons o f the
frost play up and down his spine, was forced to announce his predicament by shivers and chatternig
teeth.
"Now," said the Rabbi, "if it affects you so,
what must the cold on such a night as this be, t o a
poor family without covering, with small children
nearly perishing, whom I have just left?"
I I

Heavens, yes," said the parishioner, without

further ado. "Here, take all you want," and the
Rabbi, departed, his tall figure piled high with
blankets f o r the hapless family.

AGREED TOO WELL

There came t o the rabbinical court, o r beth din o f
Wilna, a case wherein a prominent Jew was acused i n
a civil suit. The case was duly made out against
h i m upon the testimony of witnesses, and by the
evidence, the court would have had t o f i n d his
guilty.
But the judges o f the court were dissatisfied with
verdict which they were called upon t o render, and
before making a final disposition of the matter,
sought the celebrated Caon o f Wilna and stated so.
"Call the witness here,"
what the difficulty is."

said he, "and I will see

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A f t e r a few minutes' questioning he dismissed the

witness, and, turning t o his Dayyan o r assistant,
said:
"Give

them the questionings used i n murder

cases."
T h e Dayyan was surprised; he thought he had
caught the Caon napping, and asked:
"How can you, i n a civil case?"-for

the two

classes o f cross-examination had never been indiscriminately used.

"Do
later,"

as I say, and I w i l l discuss it w i t h you

answered the Cam.

I n fine, after the rigor o f the examination, the

witness broke down, and confessed that the case
was a conspiracy.
A f t e r the atmosphere was thus cleared, the Caon
said t o t h e Dayyan:
"Lest it should appear that the Gaon makes his
own rules, look up so-and-so," giving references in
t h e Talmud.
T h e Dayyan took down several ponderous volumes o f that great work, and read:
"Any judge who knows that t h e judgment is n o t
true and just should not say, 'I a m rendering t h e
decision on the facts o f the case as testified b y t h e
witness, and full responsibility be on them.' Yea,
so it is stated i n Shabuot 31a."

HUMOROUS

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77

"Continue," said the Cam. The Dayyan persued a second ponderous tome, and read:

" 'Whoso adjudges in accordance with the t r u t h

of the case, not according to mechanical procedure,
causes the Divine Presence t o rest upon Israel.' So
is it written in Sanhedrin 7a."
"And thus in Shabbos 1Oa: 'Any judge who adjudges a case truthfully even once, is as a partner
o f the Holy One, blessed be He.' "
"Now," said the Gaon, "you thought it strange
that I d i d not believe those false witnesses. I will
tell you why I d i d not. It was because they did not
d i f f e r a jot in their statements," explained the
Caon, 'for it is not in human nature f o r two persons
to see and tell with exactness the same testimony."

CONTRARY TO MOSES
Reb Shimon W o l f Rothschild, otherwise known
as Baron Wilhelm Karl von Rothschild (1828-19011,
was called in Jewry "der Frumer Baron," on account of the extreme care he took in observing
Jewish traditional law. It is said of h i m that t h e best
and most luxuriously appointed room in his palace
at Frankfort was kept for the purpose of receiving
the Rabbis, for a Rabbi t o h i m meant more than a
prince or premier, such as frequently called upon
h i m to discuss financial affairs.
Amongst the visiting rabbis was Rabbi David

HUMOROUS TALES

78

Zahler, o f Chatzamer, G l i c i a , who was held i n

high regard by the Baron on account o f his great
learning and acumen.
"My dear Rabbi," said the Baron t o him, after
Rabbi Zahler had been several days a t the palace,
I,

would you mind going over my palace thoroughly,

examining it as t o whether there is anything i n my
house contrary to Jewish law and tradition, so that if
there is, I may correct it?"
T h e Rabbi did so. H e found not only separate
dishes for m i l k and meat, but w e n separate dining
rooms and kitchens for the purpose. A wing o f the
palace was reserved exclusively for Passover. A
beautiful sukka was i n evidence f o r use on the feast
o f Booths; there was a schochet (slaughterer) on the
estate, and a synagogue where a quorum o f ten
elderly, pious Jews studied the Torah under a
Rabbi--all at the Baron's expense. The Baron kept
an office where he spent a good deal o f his time
with a secretary distributing charity, under an inffexible rule that no applicant should depart d i s a p
pointed.

"Did you examine my household as I asked o f

you?" inquired the Baron o f Rabbi Zahler. "Did
you find anything contrary t o the words o f the Torah
and tradition?"
I,

I n one respect, yes,"

answered the Rabbi. The

Baron was astounded a t the reply.

'There is one

HUMOROUS

TALES

79

thing," continued t h e Rabbi, "which is not in accordance w i t h t h e words o f Moses?"

"What can it be?" inquired t h e Baron showing
anxiety. "What is there here contrary t o the words
o f Moses?"
T h e Rabbi smiled and answered:
"Moses said: 'Thus did Yeshurun (Israel) grow
fat, and kicked,' which means that oftentimes
when a Jew grows fat-becoming
rich and elevated
-he
from
most
from

kicks away t h e Torah and its commandments

himself; but not so w i t h you. Rich you are,
elevated y o u are, but you have n o t kicked off
you our Torah and tradition. Is not this con-

trary t o t h e words o f Moses?"

At this t h e Baron laughed heartily, and said:

"In such contradiction t o Moses I hope t o rem a i n all m y life!"

THANK THE LORD FOR THAT

Rabbi Josele Sharfmoiach, t h e emminent Rabbi of
Zemerinka was a great masmid (unremitting scholar)
who never wasted a moment. In his time, t h e rabbis
were n o t accustomed t o preach, and Rabbi Josele
was very restive at having t o listen t o a mere

drasha, o r sermon.
Once o n a Sabbath, there came t o Zemerinka a
famous maggid o r exhorter, whom Rabbi Josele was
compelled through courtesy t o p e r m i t t o deliver a

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HUMOROUS

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sermon in his synagogue, and h e took a seat

amongst the auditors in the f r o n t row.
There was a large audience, and the maggid had
not a loud voice;

someone in t h e rear called:

"Louder, please!" T h e maggid raised his voice and

continued speaking, his tone, however, dwindling
down.
T h e voice f r o m the real called again: "Louder,
please!"

Rabbi Josele, t o whose impatient spirit

the sermon was already m u c h t o o long, arose and

addressed t h e owner o f the voice in the rear:
it because
"Why are you calling 'louder1-is
you cannot hear?"
"Yes, we cannot hear a word back here."
'Well,"

returned the Rabbi, "then

why don't

y o u sit still and thank the Lord f o r that?"

THIS DAY AND EVERY DAY

Rabbi Joseph Jehudah Strasberg, originally o f
Kosow, Calicia, and later o f Jerusalem, was known
as a very keen m a n and ready in his replies.
There came t o his house very early one morning

a m a n who was opposed t o h i m and bothered h i m

w i t h a trivial matter. Rabbi Strasberg was annoyed
a t the violation o f t h e traditional custom, f o r it is
prohibited t o t h e f a i t h f u l t o transact worldly matters o f a trivial kind previous t o the early morning
prayer service.

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TALES

"Do you attend morning prayers?" he asked the

man.
"Yes,"

h e answered.

"Do you know t h e paragraph which says, 'Deliver m e this day and every day f r o m those o f a n
impudent countenance'?"
"Yes."
"Did it never occur t o y o u t h a t t h e phrase is
peculiarly worded? I f one says 'this day,' why 'and
every day'?" asked t h e Rabbi.
1)

It is curious," answered t h e man.

y o u account f o r it?"

"How would

"Your coming here this morning explains it,"

said t h e Rabbi. "We say 'deliver us this day a n d
every day' because t h e impudent countenance is
likely t o obtrude itself upon one's attention on t h e
morrow before one has an opportunity t o u t t e r t h e
prayer in t h e morning!"
T h e m a n departed without further ado.

SEND YOUR OPPONENT TO ME

T o t h e learned Rabbi Mechaele Hochgelerenter,
o f Patruilovzah, there once came a man w i t h a
complaint against his neighbor.
"It is not permitted t o hear only one litigant,"
said t h e Rabbi. "Both must be present."

"1 d o not mean t h a t we shall have a regular Din

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HUMOROUS TALES

Torah (suit at law) before you,"

said the complaini n g man, "but what I want is, that you shall undertake t o be m y borer (arbitrator); I want t o know
how m y case will stand, and you shall be m y borer."

"If this is so I will hear you; state your case,"

said the Rabbi.
T h e m a n then made a long, involved statement,
which, he thought, was step by step clinching his
claims in the Rabbi's mind. A f t e r he had exhausted his reasons, t h e Rabbi said:

"I a m sorry that I cannot undertake t o serve you

this time, because in m y m i n d you have n o case."
"But, m y dear and holy Rabbi," exclaimed the
man, "maybe I did not explain the situation sufficiently."
"You have explained enough," said t h e Rabbi,
"but you should rather have sent your opponent
instead o f coming yourself."
"What d o you mean?" asked the other, amazed.
"Well," answered the Rabbi, "according t o your
own statement o f your case you are wrong; now
possibly your opponent, if h e states h i s side, will
show that he is wrong."

A CORRECT ILLUSTRATION
Rabbi Berele K o p m e n x h , o f Loczanke, was
known as a great chacham (sage), beloved b y people

HUMOROUS

TALES

83

in every walk o f life. It was said o f h i m t h a t he

was t h e greatest psychologist amongst the rabbis
o f his time, and used t o expound his decisions w i t h

illustrations adapted so aptly f r o m t h e occupation

o f t h e hearer as t o make anyone understand him.
Rabbi Berele was sitting at his house o n a Sabbath afternoon w i t h a visiting rabbi, when two m e n
entered.
"Dear and holy Rabbi," said one, "my friends
and I have had an argument f o r months, and we
have decided t o leave it t o you f o r adjudication."
"What is it?" asked t h e Rabbi.

"It has been m y custom," said the man, "and

it was t h e custom o f m y father, and o f his father,

t o recite t h e entire Book of Psalms every Sabbath

afternoon. Now, as we know, the ritual o f Sabbath
requires t h a t d u r i n g winter season t h e one hundred and f o u r t h Psalm should be recited after

Minchah in t h e afternoon; m y friend here holds

t h a t I have n o obligations t o recite t h a t Psalm in
t h e ritual, because I nave already recited t h e whole
Book o f Psalms wherein it is contained. And I
hold that I a m under obligation, nevertheless, t o
follow t h e ritual and say it."
"What is your occupation?" inquired t h e Rabbi.
"We are b o t h expressmen,"
"Well, you are in t h e right,"
I,

t h e m e n answered.
replied t h e Rabbi.

I w i l l illustrate m y answer t o you in this way:

If

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you were hauling a load o f axle grease, would it not

still be necessary t o have a small amount t o put
upon t h e axles o f your own wagons? So is t h e case
here-the
recital o f t h e whole Book o f Psalms b y
you is a family tradition and a t h i n g b y itself; and
t h e recital o f t h e ritual, wherein t h e hundred and
f o u r t h Psalm appears, is a t h i n g b y itself, ordained
f r o m other sources-so
t h a t t h e recital o f t h e Book
o f Psalms is, as it were, equal t o t h e cargo o f axle
grease o f t h e wheels of t h e wagon in which you
carry that cargo; d o you grasp the analogy?'
they answered readily. "You are certainl y right."
T h e visiting Rabbi smiled at t h e incident and said
t o Rabbi Berele: "What t h e world says o f you is
true."

EMPEROR GRASPS HINT

Reb Nissan Bak was reputed a great chacham
(wise man), and was t h e leader o f t h e Chasidic
community in Jerusalem. H e was t h e "ambassador" o f the famous Chasidic Zaddik Rabbi Israel
Friedman, and as such superintended t h e building
o f t h e synagogue (one o f t h e most beautiful in t h e
world) known as "Tifereth Israel Sadagora," in
Jerusalem, as this was one o f the enterprises o f t h e
Sadagora Zaddik.
W h i l e t h e structure was still incomplete, t h e
dome not having yet been erected, it happened

HUMOROUS

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85

that the late Emperor Franz Joseph o f Austria visited the synagogue and was received by Reb Nissan
Bak. T h e Emperor chatted w i t h Reb Nissan regarding the latter's famous principal, the Sadagora
Zaddik, w i t h whose accomplishments he was familiar, and said casually:

"I wonder why the building is not finished?"

"Your Majesty,'' answered Reb Nissan, "it takes
o f f its hat t o you, as you are known all over the
world as a ruler friendly t o the Jews. But," he continued, "you are aware that w i t h us, who adhere
t o the Oriental custom, it is considered as a greater
m a r k o f respect t o keep the head covered, and I
hope you w i l l enable our synagogue t o p u t o n its
headpiece."
T h e Emperor smiled and instructed his adjutant
t o send a substantial contribution t o Reb Nissan
t o enable him t o complete the dome.

THIEVES
W h e n the famous Caon Gedalya Tiktin became
Rabbi o f Breslau, his attention was called t o t h e
fact t h a t o n Friday evening the theatres were packed w i t h young Jews.
O n the Saturday following, Rabbi Tiktin said:
" I f I had known that this community was so f u l l o f
thieves I should not have come here."
This remark caused m u c h comment in the city,

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TALES

and a committee was appointed t o interrogate t h e

Rabbi about it. They came and stated t h a t they
wished an explanation f o r t h e severe remark, as it
seemed t o t h e m t o be an uncalled-for characterization.
"Well,"
answered t h e Rabbi, "is it n o t a fact
t h a t o n Friday evenings t h e theaters are full o f
Jewish f o l k who ought t o be at home w i t h their
families as good Jews are supposed t o be?"

"Yes," they replied, "it is true--we are perhaps n o t as observant and pious as t h e custom required, but why should we be called 'thieves'?"
"I w i l l tell you," said t h e Rabbi. T h e T a l m u d
says t h a t o n Friday evening two angels accompany
every Jew, because it is t h e eve o f the Sabbath.
Now, i f t h e Jew goes t o a theater he does n o t pay
f o r those angels' admission there, and what t h e n
should I call t h e m but thieves?"
T h e committee could find n o reply t o t h e Gaon's
ingenious statement.

SOLOMON N O FOOL
An author came t o Rabbi Faibish Hodrofker w i t h
a book t h a t he had written (a commentary o n Solomon's Ecclesiates), and desired t h e Rabbi's haskamah o r recommendation, as a preface f o r it.
T h e Rabbi glanced at t h e work, and refused t o
grant t h e request.

HUMOROUS TALES

87

"Dear Rabbi," said t h e author, "I t h i n k that m y

commentary o n Ecclesiastes is as good as Malbim's
commentary on t h e Book o f Esther."

"It is even better," replied t h e Rabbi, "and yet

I cannot recommend your work."
" W h y not?" inquired the author.

"I w i l l explain the difference between you and

Malbim,"

said t h e Rabbi:

"You know t h a t our sage says that Ahasuerus

was a fool-and
Malbim, in his commentary on
'Esther,' makes Ahasuerus a wise man and a diplomat; and I can forgive M a l b i m f o r that. B u t your
book o n Esslesiastes makes out Solomon, who was
t h e wisest man o n earth, t o be a fool--and I could
never forgive you f o r that."

HIS FIRST SUCCESS

T h e late Rabbi David Moses Friedman, o f Chortkof, Calicia, was t h e most celebrated Chasidic

zaddik o f his time.

Thousands o f people came t o

h i m t o receive his prayer and blessings--some
on
behalf o f t h e sick, some f o r other troubles. T h e
majority o f those who sought h i m came t o receive
his blessing f o r hatzlacha, or prayer f o r success in
business.
A s t h e crowds were enormous, the Rabbi could
hardly pause and make individual inquiries, b u t usually said: "May Cod give you blessing and success

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i n the work o f your hands."

One day as he was bestowing this blessing upon
one after another i n the usual perfunctory manner,
one of the bystanders noted that amongst the Rabbi's visitors, very cheerful and grateful f o r the
blessing, was Nutke Schlesserhaker, a professional
thief. Hurriedly the bystander whispered i n the
ear of the Rabbi's Cabai, or steward:
"What did our holy Rabbi do, bestowing a blessing on the work of the hands o f N u t k e Schlesserhacker?"
"Why, what is wrong?" asked the Cabai with
apprehension.
"He's a notorious thief,"

answered the other.

The Rabbi, as it chanced, overheard the remarks

and was nonplussed f o r a moment; then he turned
t o the Cabi and said:
"My son, please see to it that N u t k e does not
reap the frist fruit of the blessing. I have given
him, at m y own house!"

ALL YOURS-NONE

YOURS

T o the renowned Rabbi Hirschele Orenstein, of

Brisk (Brest-Litovsk), there came f o r a Din Torah,
o r lawsuit, two women who were neighbors. Both
had been i n the habit o f hanging out their wash i n
the same yard, and each came claiming that the
other had taken clothes not belonging to her. All

HUMOROUS

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89

the questioning and cross-examination of the Rabbi

was futile, and each litigant was willing to take
an oath to the truth of her statement.
The Rabbi then ordered that the clothes i n dispute should be brought to his house, and when
they complied, he told both to leave, and t o return
i n an hour.
After they had departed, the Rabbi told his
Rabetzin (wife) t o put some of her clothing among
the clothes i n the basket.
When the litigants returned, he asked one of
the women whether she could pick out her own.
~ ~ Y she
~ sanswered,
, ~ ~ and separated those that
belonged t o her and left the others.
The Rabbi mixed all the clothes back i n the
basket and called i n the other woman and asked
her whether she recognized the clothes belonging
t o her.
"Yes,"

she said eagerly; "it is all mine."

"If that is the case," said the Rabbi, "none of

it is yours."

EXCESS PUNISHMENT
Rabbi Arele Leidender, famous Rabbi of Hotziplotz, was known "all over the world" as a great
zaddik, or exemplar of piety. His wife, the Rabetzin, was very unlike him, and embittered his life
almost beyond human endurance. "But," he used

HUMOROUS

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TALES

t o say, w i t h a shrug, "do n o t our sages say t h a t

when Jacob, after his adventurous journeys, settled
in Palestine, soon had t o suffer through the troubles
o f Joseph, for Cod said: "Is it not sufficinet f o r t h e
righteous that they inherit t h e world t o come, t h a t
they should desire t o enjoy t o the f u l l this world
also?' " And so he endured his trials w i t h patience.
Once when Rabbi Arele was traveling, accompanied by his wife, t o another city, she said t o h i m .
"Arele, a l l that I suffered through you seemed
worth while, because I believed you t o be a zaddik,

but now 1 see that you are not."

"Why?"

he asked.

"I have a tradition f r o m m y forefathers,"

she

said, "that whenever a zaddik is o n the road it

storms, and see how clear and warm the weather
is today."
"Do you know the reason why when a zaddik
is o n the road it rains?" he inquired.

"No; why is it?"

I,

It is an admonition f r o m heaven," said he,

"that he is n o t t o be lured away b y the delight o f
this world, f o r what h e enjoys in this world is taken
away f r o m his share in t h e next."
"Does that not prove m y tradition?" she asked.
"When you are w i t h me, it does not need t o rain,"
he answered, "for even a zaddik does not need a n
excess o f punishments."

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NOT WORTH A RUBLE NOW

An author came to Rabbi Leibekle Rashkis of
Schnipishok (near Wilna), and offered him a bock
for one ruble. The Rabbi was busy a t the time
and asked his dayyan (or assistant) to examine the
book and see whether it was worth the price.
Sooner than the Rabbi expected, the dayyan reported to him that the book should be purchased.
"Why," said the Rabbi, "you could not have
scanned it in this short time; what makes you think
the book is worth a Ruble?"
"The paper it is printed on is alone worth more
than a Ruble," answered the dayyan.
The Rabbi glanced a t a few pages of the book
and said:

"It may have been worht a Ruble, but that was

before these amei-ha-aratzim (numbskulls) spoiled
it by printing on it."

BETTER A STRANGE CALF

In Narenstadt, dwelt Rabbi Moishele Voillemer,
a scholar excelling in the knowledge of Jewish
learning; he was the son-in-law of a prominent

member of the community, Reb Faibel Yicheskoifer.

In the course of time the local Rabbi of the community died, and Reb Faibel sought to obtain the
position for his gifted son-in-law, but the digni-

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taries o f t h e community said:

"No; we admit that Rabbi Voillemer i s a pre
found scholar and a great man, but he is a local
man, and it is essential that o u r Rabbi should b e
f r o m outside i f he is t o command due respect in t h e
rabbinate;

for 'familiarity breeds contempt,'

and

those who have known Rabbi Voillemer f r o m his

youth will n o t stand in awe o f him."
Sometime after, Rabbi Voillerner was addressing
t h e dignitaries, and said:

"I have always wondered why the Israelites,

when Moses ascended t o Heaven, made themselves
a golden calf as t h e i r leader. True, they t h o u g h t
Moses was dead; but was n o t Aaron there-was
Aaron able t o take t h e place o f Moses?

not

B u t I see

they acted o n your theory, f o r they must have

thought t o themselves:
'Better would it be t o
have a strange calf as a leader, than a local Aaron.' "

WAS ONLY PROMISED

In the c i t y o f Chabarrifka lived a dayyan (or assistant t o t h e rabbi), who was afflicted w i t h deafness; and it was whispered that he received bribes.
T h i s came t o t h e ears of Rabbi Schlomka, of
Shivinishokolifka, a neighboring town, who sent
f o r t h e dayyan t o s i f t t h e truth as t o t h e report, and
h e found that there was, in fact, some ground f o r it.
"How is it t h a t t h e dayyan is n o t blind instead o f

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93

deaf?" inquired the Rabetzin Taibele, Rabbi Schlomka's wife. "For does it not say in t h e Torah t h a t
'bribery doth blind the eyes o f the wise?' "
"If y o u knew the people o f Chabarrikfa, you
would n o t ask the question," responded Rabbi
Schlomka.
" W h y not?" she asked.
"Well, I will explain: T h e people o f Chabarrifka
only agree t o pay bribes, but they d o not pay. If
the dayyan had actually received bribes, doubtless
h e would have become blind; but as it was, h e only
listened t o propositions made t o h i m about bribes
which he hoped t o receive, and that is why he is
only deaf."

TRAPPED WITH YOUR OWN

Once there came t o t h e renowned Rabbi lzel
Harif, o f Slonim, an elderly Jew, one of his b a l e
batim (parishioners), who was secretly one o f his
opponents, and remarked t o him:
"Rabbi, I have read all the books you have published d u r i n g your lifetime, and candidly, I believe
the ones you wrote as a young m a n better than
are those you w r i t e now that you are mature. And
I can n o t understand that," continued he, "for it
says in a Mishna in the Talmud, that real scholars
improve as they become older."
"Yes," replied t h e Rabbi, "but t h e same Mishna

94

--

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---

says that dunces get more foolish the older they

get; you read my first books while you were yet a
young man, when your mind was active, and the
later ones when you were old; maybe that also
would account for your not being able t o appreciate my later efforts."

SHEKQTZIM HAVE THE TRUTH

Rabbi Eliyahu Heim Meisel, illustrious Rabbi o f
Lodz, arrived at the synagogue to attend the afternoon prayer-service and found his baale batim
(members of the community) discussing general
community affairs; specifically, the new irreligious
organization of young Jewish people. One elderly
religious Jew was much wrought u p about the new
group and declared that something must be done
to the shekotzim (worthless ones).
"Yes, but the truth is with those shekotzim and
not with us," said the Rabbi.
After the service the people demanded o f the
Rabbi to explain his unexpected remark.
"Well," said he, "1 will explain: They, the
shekotzim, call themselves so, and that they are;
you call yourself religious and righteous and that
you are not-that
is what I mean when I say that
the truth is with the shekotzim.

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O N A FORTIORI CONCLUSION
T h e learned Rabbi, Z o l m a n Strattiner, o f Strattin, Calicia, was well liked b y his community, even
t h e r i c h were pleased w i t h him, f o r he knew how
t o deal w i t h them.
One o f his b a d e b a t i m once said t o him: "Rabbi,

I wonder t h a t a m a n as learned and righteous as

you should f l a t t e r t h e rich."

"It is permitted according t o o u r law," answered t h e Rabbi.

"How so?" asked t h e other.

"A fortiori!" he answered.

"Do you n o t know

t h a t a hazzan (cantor) is permitted b y wr sages t o
flatter members o f t h e community in order t o be
popu tar?"
"Even so," replied t h e other, "how does t h a t
apply t o a rabbi?"
"They

mention a hazzan,"

replied t h e Rabbi,

"because it is assumed t h a t h e is n o t a professional

scholar and may need advice; and t h e y did n o t
trouble t o direct t h e advice t o t h e rabbis, w h o are
presumed t o be wise enough t o grasp t h e idea witho u t special advice.''

RATHER A M I T Z V A H
An atheist once came in t o see t h e famous
"Nodah B8Jehudah" (Rabbi Ezekiel Lando o f Prague) and proceeded t o banter h i m o n religion:

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"Rabbi," said he, "I have transgressed almost

all the commandments of the Torah but one."
"Why such partiality? W h a t was it?" the Rabbi
asked h i m i n the same vein.

"I have never yet committed the sin o f suicide,"

answered the atheist.
"Oh," said the Rabbi, "I do not think that that
would be such a sin in your case; i n fact, I rather
believe it would be a mitzvah" (virtue).
"What! From where do you derive such an idea?"
"Well," answered Rabbi Lando, "the Torah says,
i n speaking of the unbeliever i n general: 'So shalt
thou p u t away the evil from the midst o f thee,' and
our rabbis, i n the Talmud ((speaking o f removing
a nuisance), say, one need not be particular as t o
how it is put away, so long as it is done."
A n d t o this the atheist was unable t o summan
any ready answer.

TO PUT HIM ON HIS GUARD

Rabbi Michaela Spitzkopf, o f Roshostadt, received from a stranger on a Friday, f o r safekeeping over the Sabbath, five thousand Rubles, f o r
there were no banks in the town. The dignitaries
present when Rabbi Spitzo f the synagogue were
kopf received the money.
O n Saturday night when worldly matters may be
resumed by the pious, the stranger called upon the

HUMOROUS

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97

Rabbi f o r t h e return o f t h e money l e f t w i t h him.

H e was astonished beyond words when t h e Rabbi,
in t h e presence o f t h e same "dignitaries," disclaimed a l l knowledge of t h e funds entrusted.
H e made strenuous appeal t o each of t h e "dignitaries" in turn, but each stolidly denied any knawledge o f t h e transaction ( f o r they all followed t h e
Rabbi's cue).

At length, t h e "dignitaries" having departed, and

t h e stranger's outcries o f protest having ceased,
t h e Rabbi called his wife and t o l d h e r t o give t h e
stranger his money, which she did.
Greatly relieved at having received it intact, t h e
stranger asked t h e Rabbi: "But why did you fright e n m e so? For I was never in m y l i f e so astounded
as when you denied having t h e money."
I1

Stranger," said t h e Rabbi kindly, "I wanted

you t o know what kind o f 'dignitaries' I have here,
and what sort o f a place Roshostadt was."

THE PROUDEST MAN

In t h e t i m e o f Rabbi Jonathan Eybeschutz, in t h e
early eighteenth century, there was a Bishop who
proclaimed himself t o be t h e meekest m a n in the
world, humbler even than Moses.
T h i s c l a i m came t o t h e attention o f Rabbi
Eybeschutz, who believed it impossible, since t h e
Pentateuch says, "Moses was very meek, above all

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TALES

the m e n that were upon the face o f the earth."

"But, Rabbi," argued his friends, "it is a fact,
f o r he shows b y his acts that even Moses could n o t
have been meeker than he."
Rabbi E y b e x h u t z said: "That is yet t o be seen."
In the course o f t i m e the Rabbi journeyed t o the
city, where the Bishop resided; great honors were
bestowed b y the Bishop upon his distinguished visitor. W h e n greeting h i m the Bishop said: "I a m
amazed that the great and learned Rabbi in Israel
should belittle himself t o visit me, a humble Bishop;
what has led the Rabbi t o d o so?"

"I have heard," replied the Rabbi, "that you are

the meekest m a n in the worlb-meeker
Mose-nd

even than

I thought it would be o f interest t o

see you, and learn your ways."

"You did wisely in that," replied the B i s h w ,

"you have come t o the r i g h t place, and can learn
something about meekness f r o m me."
"Enough,"

said Rabbi Jonathan, t u r n i n g away.

And t o his associates: he said "I have never in m y

life m e t a prouder m a n and more haughty one,
than this Bishop."

A NEW HOSPITAL WAS THEN

BUILT
Rabbi Chaimke Kellemer, known as "der Kellem e r Maggid' (Preacher o f Kellem), was once invited

HUMOROUS

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99

t o preach in a certain c i t y on the Sabbath. W h i l e

there a delegation o f t h e middle-class members o f
t h e community asked h i m t o use his influence w i t h
t h e rich t o secure t h e erection o f a new hospital f o r
t h e poor, as t h e existing one was inadequate and
neglected.
Rabbi Chaimke spoke privately w i t h t h e rich
about t h e project, but m e t w i t h n o encouragement,
and advised t h e delegation t o await t h e effect o f his
sermon o n t h e following Sabbath.

"It w i l l be useless t o expect any results,"

said
t h e spokesman o f t h e deleation, "for their hearts
are o f stone and nothing you can say w i l l move
them."
Great and eager was t h e gathering t h a t came t o
hear t h e famous Maggid, who was known as t h e
m a n whose preaching made, as it were, heaven and
hell pass before one's eyes.

At t h e close o f his eloquent dwsh (sermon), t h e

M a g g i d said:
"Brethren, t h e Talmud says that t h e Shekinah
(divine presence) rests at t h e head o f the sick person. T h e Shekimah once complained t o Cod, sayi n g it could n o t endure t o be always among t h e
starving and cold in squalid rooms, and asked that
it m i g h t g o i n t o t h e palaces o f t h e rich, where t h e
surroundings would be more agreeable. Accord-

ingly it soon had its home in t h e palaces instead

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o f t h e slums.

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"But 'where there is wealth there is wisdom,' as

people say; t h e rich divined t h e cause o f t h e presence o f t h e Shekinah and built a well equipped
commodious hospital f o r t h e poor, and there t h e

Shekinah sojourned, and a l l were satisfied.

"Now,"
said Rabbi Chaimke, addressing his
wealthier auditors pointedly, "where shall t h e

Shekinah dwell?

It is f o r you t o decide."

This appeal stirred those whom he had been t o l d

could n o t be stirred. In due t i m e a f i n e hospital
was erected in t h a t city in consequence o f t h e Rabbi's appeal.

DONKEYS
There was a notable Prince, Graf Gumprecht von
Hartzlossergezelschaft, who was an anti-Semite and
leader o f a so-called "Progressive" party. H e once
bantered Rabbi Jonathan Eybeschutz, t h e famous
Rabbi o f Prague, saying:
"How is it, holy Rabbi, t h a t fashions have changed
w i t h your Jews so much? Moses and his w i f e rode
o n a donkey f r o m M i d i a n t o Egypt, and you say t h e
Messiah w i l l come r i d i n g in similar style, yet we
never see a Jew nowadays ride any animal but a
horse?"

"It is because we wish t o refrain f r o m offending

anybody, t h a t is all,"

answered the Rabbi.

"It is

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101

not because we are too proud."

"How is that?" asked t h e Craf.
"Well," replied he, "now that the donkeys are
organizing and calling themselves 'Progressives,'
we have given up r i d i n g on donkeys in order t o avoid
seeming t o m i x in politics."

HAD TO GIVE
In Schweinkipishock lived a very rich m a n named
Reb Beril Grobyan who was notorious f o r his many
schemes in avoiding t h e giving o f charity.
There came t o that c i t y the celebrated Rabbi
Josele Nemer, engaged in collecting funds f o r a
worthy cause, and in due t i m e he called upon Reb
Beril, and presented his request f o r a donation.
T h e latter was perplexed t o devise a way t o refuse
the request o f such a celebrity, but he finally got
an idta:
"Venerable Rabbi," said he, "does n o t the Talm u d say that a wise m a n is even greater than a
prophet?"
"Yes,"

answered the Rabbi.

"Very well, then; you are a wise man, and should

have more than prophetic insight; i f you will tell m e
what I a m now thinking, I w i l l give you a substantial donation."
"Easy enough," replied the Rabbi; "you are
t h i n k i n g t o yourself, 'I won't give anything.' "

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" I f you guessed correctly," said t h e crafty Reb

Beril, "then it is as you say, and I will n o t give anything. Or i f y o u didn't guess it aright, y o u lose,
f o r y o u did not guess m y thought."

f f N ~ lsaid
f f t h e Rabbi, "on t h e contrary; if I did
n o t guess it correctly, how could you prove so?
Only by giving something. And if I did guess it
aright I w i n according t o your own proposition."
T h i s answer nonplussed Reb Beril and he had to
make a contribution.

NOT VANITY BUT DEFENSE

Rabbi Eliyahu H a i m Meisel, o f Lodz, Poland, was
fastidious in his personal apparel, contrary t o t h e
general custom o f his time, and everything about
h i m was most m o d e m and elegant.
Once, o n a winter day, Rabbi M e i s l was walking
down t h e street, wearing a new style o f rubber footgear, and m e t a gabai (synagogue official)---a very
plain man, ploughing his way through t h e mud.
T h e gabai greeted Rabbi Meisl, and, observing
w i t h a critical eye t h e Rabbi's new style rubbers, he
pointed at them, and remarked:

"I wonder if t h e Rabbis o f o l d ever heard o f such

vanities?"
I d o n o t know," answered Rabbi Meisl,
"but if they had t o g o through as m u c h mire, actually and figuratively speaking, as t h e Rabbis of
"That

HUMOROUS

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103

today, I a m sure they would have needed not only

rubbers, but a regular diver's suit!"

HAD TO REMAIN
Rabbi Benjamin Croishalter, o f Tilipin, was a
young m a n who thought Tilipin was t o o small a
place f o r him, as he entertained a very h i g h opinion
o f his talents.
H e appealed t o t h e famous Chasidic zaddik,
Rabbi Yochanan Twersky, o f Rachmistrifka, t o exert
his influence in obtaining a better position f o r him.
"Holy Rabbi," said he, "save such a genius as I
a m f r o m losing m y precious years in a 'hole' like
Tilipin!"
11 I

I m afraid, m y son," replied Rabbi Yochanan,

"that you w i l l have t o remain t h e rest o f your l i f e
in Tilipin."
"Why so?" asked t h e young Rabbi.
"Because t h e greater you think yourself t o be,
the tighter you w i l l f i n d t h e 'hole' t o be, and t h e
harder t o get o u t o f it," said Rabbi Yochanan.

ENOUGH EMPTINESS
Reb M o r d k e Nudnik was an inveterate mechaber
(scribbler o f books), continually requesting t h e famous Rabbi o f Zschvinishock (Rabbi Schloimele
Hochgelerenter) t o give h i s haskamah (laudatory

1 04

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foreword) t o his books, which the Rabbi had always

refused t o do.
Once Reb Mordke rushed t o the Rabbi with great
assurance w i t h a new offspring of his genius entitled, "Gedulath Mordecai" (The Greatness of
Mordecai), and asked for his haskamah.
"You cannot refuse me this time, Rabbi," said
he w i t h eager pride; "here I have combined all m y
it is what its title calls
greatest thoughts-indeed
it."

The Rabbi leisurely thumbed the new volume,

but found it was o f the same vacuity as the other
works by the same author, but he felt he had t o
say something t o pacify him, so he remarked:
"Well," said he, "I could say of it that i f it had
been in the time o f Elisha the Prophet, o f blessed
memory, the miraculous flow o f oil would, I think,
never have ceased."
Stunned with what he thought was superlative
praise, Reb Mordke said: "Why-why
does t h e
Rabbi say so; what points draw forth such a n opinion?"
"Because it says," continued the Rabbi, " 'And
the oil stayed,' when there were no more empty
vessels; but i f your work had been there, there
would have been emptiness enough t o cause t h e
o i l t o keep o n flowing forever."

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GRACE AND UNDERSTANDING

W h e n Reb M o r d k e Nudnik found that t h e Rabbi
o f Zschvinishock would n o t favor h i m w i t h a hasicamah t o his new books, t h a t mechaber (author) went
t o t h e famous Rabbi Cershon, o f Schklov, and asked
f o r his harkamah t o one o f these new works which
he had written and named "Chen Tob" (Good
Grace).
Rabbi Gershon, too, was unable consistently t o
lend his name t o further t h e book t o t h e public,
and t h e author expostulated:
"Holy Rabbi, many wise m e n have praised this
work o f mine; why should you refuse m y request?"
"Those wise ones you mention may have done
so," replied t h e Rabbi, "but t h e wisest o f all men,
i f we take his words f o r it, would not."
"How is that," asked t h e author. "Because,"

said

t h e Rabbi, "Solomon says: 'Good understanding

giveth grace,' but I d o n o t f i n d that your 'Good
Grace' gives good understanding."

STOLEN GOODS
Reb Cedalya Pachkun brought h i s newly completed book t o t h e distinguished Rabbi Yankele
Blitzkopf, o f Pohlohushock, and wished h i m t o buy
it.
T h e Rabbi looked over t h e work, which h e found

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106

t o be merely a compilation f r o m many sources, t h e

writer had not even given acknowledgement t o t h e
authors f r o m whom he took his material.
Inwardly enraged f o r this breach o f one o f t h e
most important rules o f literary ethics--(for

does

it not say in t h e T u l m u d that one must "report a

t h i n g in t h e name o f h i m who said it?")-still

held his peace, and said t o Reb Gedalya:

he

"I personally have n o use for your book, but

there is a m a n in town who should be a good prospect f o r you; call o n Todros Lapke, t h e merchant."
Reb Gedalya hastened t o d o so, and was surprise d t o f i n d Todros Lapke a n illiterate ignoramus, a n d
Lapke, in turn, was equally surprised a t an author
coming t o him t o o f f e r a book, which, o f course,
he refused t o buy.
T h e author returned t o t h e Rabbi and said: "Holy
Rabbi I cannot understand how it ever happened,
even were it an accident, that you should have sent
m e w i t h m y book t o such a m a n as Lapke!"
II

It was n o t a mistake," answered t h e Rabbi; "I

a m surprised, in fact, t h a t h e did n o t buy it."
"What d o y o u mean?"
I1

I mean, everyone in town knows t h a t he is a

receiver o f stolen goods!"

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107

THEY SELDOM UNDERSTAND

The learned Rabbi Aaron Belibeter, of Crinkishock
was beloved by the people of his town and i n the
neighboring places; rich and poor alike respected
him, for he was as careful of the welfare of one as
of the other. While a fearless champion of the
cause of the poor, he also knew how to deal with
his rich parishioners.
One of these wealthy parishioners once said t o
him:
"Rabbi, I wonder how you manage t o get along
so well with the rich, for I'm sure it can only be by
flattering them, and how can a learned and upright
man engage in flattery?"
"No," replied Rabbi Belibter, "I do not flatter
them, but I 'honor' them; and this, so the Talmud
says, Rabbi Akiba and Rabbi Judah the Prince used
to do."
said the other "it is strange that the rabbis should 'honor' the rich, while the rich do not
trouble themselves at all t o 'honor' the rabbis."
"This is because the rabbis understand the value
of the rich," replied the Rabbi, "and how much
good they can do, therefore they honor them; but
the rich do not always understand the value of the
scholars, and therefore do not honor them."

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RATHER TOO LOW

T h e Caon Rabbi A k i b a Eger ( 176 1- 18371,

was o f
slight physique, being quite a young m a n when he
was appointed t o an important rabbinate in Friedland. This was m u c h t o his distaste, f o r he would
have perferred t o follow his private studies.
T h e "rabbinical throne," as it was called, o f t h e
synagogue, was an elaborate and massive chair,
very ornate and w i t h a seat lower than that of an
ordinary chair. T h e result was, that when the
Rabbi seated himself in it, his c h i n reached the
level o f the book o n the reading desk.
There were not lacking in t h e congregation
those who criticized the new and u n t r i e d Rabbi
(whose international fame was not established until
nearly a generation later). One o f t h e m who
sought t o embarrass the young Rabbi, as he saw h i m
nearly hidden in the "rabbinical throne," said w i t h
marked sarcasm: "Do you not think, Rabbi, that
t h e rabbinical table is somewhat too h i g h f o r you?"

"NO," answered t h e Rabbi, remembering w i t h

bitterness t h e abandonment o f his dearly beloved
private study in order t o accept the o f f i c e o f rabbi,
"but rather your 'rabbinical throne,' as you call it,
is too low f o r me."

BALANCE OF POWER
Rabbi Shloimelle Geduldiger,

o f Bettisralifka,

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109

was famous for his scholarship and great piety, but

even more so f o r his patience; he was therefore
surnamed Geduldiger (the patient one),
H e suffered the poverty imposed upon h i m by
the niggardliness o f his Kehillah (congregation) as
well as many slights that some o f his rich and stupid
parishioners gave h i m . T o a l l t h e ills o f fortune,
Rabbi Schloimelle used t o repeat, as K i n g David
said: "The Lord is righteous i n a l l H i s ways, and
gracious i n all H i s works."
N o t so, however, was t h e Rabbi's wife, Taube die
Kluge (the clever one), as she was called, who was
not slow t o voice h e r dissatisfaction w i t h t h e privations o f h e r lot.
" M y dear," the Rabbi used t o say t o her, "our
sages say i n t h e Talmud, 'not everyone has two
tables, so as t o enjoy prosperity i n this world and
the bliss o f t h e hereafter.' M y parishioners have
money, and I have learning; they have n o learning,
and I have n o money; and this is fate."
"Are you n o t always saying: 'The Lord is righteous i n a l l H i s ways?' " she answered. "Where is
H i s righteousness? Why should you not have
enough o f this world's goods t o be independent o f
those stupid parishioners o f yours?"

" 'God

has created the world w i t h wisdom,' says

Solomon i n his Proverbs," the Rabbi replied. " I f I
had been rich, would I have known o f m y parish-

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i o n e w n d where would they have drifted to in

their ignorance? And if they had been given leaming and money both, they would have crushed the
whole world. So you see, that in order there should
be a balance of power, it is best as it is--the rich
to be stupid, and the learned to be poor."

PRESENCE OF MIND SAVED HIM

Rabbi Ezekiel Lando, Chief Rabbi of Prague
(17 13-17931, who was celebrated for his imperturbability, was once sitting in his study, which was
located in the upper story of his house. He was
absorbed in some difficult problems of civil and
religious procedure which had been submitted to
him for decision, for questions came to him from
colleagues from many lands.
His quiet was suddenly disturbed, and as he looked up he beheld a strange looking man, armed
with an axe.

"I heard you are a wonder-man, able to perform

miracles.

Prove it!" shouted the intruder.

Frightened as the Rabbi was by the imminent

danger, he kept his composure and answered: "How
would you wish me to prove it?"
"Jump from this window and land unharmed
below; if not, I shall kill you as a fraud."
"That," said the Rabbi, "would be little proof
of my wonder-working power, for an acrobat could

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d o it without a miracle; but listen, I w i l l d o sornet h i n g more wonderful. I will walk down below and
you, remain here and see m e come f l y i n g up, like
a bird, through the window!"
T h e lunatic thought this a dazzlingly b r i g h t idea
and consented. T h e Rabbi dashed out, gave t h e
alarm, and t h e lunatic was apprehended.

And his colleague, hearing o f his adventure, applied t o Rabbi Lando t h e verse, "Wisdom preserveth
the l i f e o f h i m that h a t h it."

EFFECT OF A SEA VOYAGE

Once an o l d acquaintance called o n t h e distinguished Rabbi Jacob Joseph, originally o f Wilna,
and later o f N e w York.

"1 have a surprise, Rabbi," said the visitor; "you

recollect Shmeril Burkes o f W i l n a ? Just now I
passed b y a synagogue where I saw that h e was advertised as the Hazzan (cantor) o f t h e congregation. W e know that he is not skilled in t h e art; I
wonder how he became a Hazzan?"

"1 a m n o t surprised," answered t h e Rabbi; "crossi n g the ocean did h i m so m u c h good that it made a
Hazzan o f him.

It has occurred before, as t h e

Bible tells us."

"What?

T h e Bible tells that?"

"Does it n o t say," explained t h e Rabbi, "that

when Cod t o l d Moses, 'Come now, therefore, and

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I will send thee u n t o Pharaoh that t h o u mayest

b r i n g f o r t h M y people t h e Children o f Israel out of
Egypt,' Moses answered, 'I a m n o t a m a n o f words,
neitherheretofore, n o r since T h o u hast spoken u n t o
T h y servant; f o r I a m slow o f speech and o f a slow
tongue?' "
"But," continued t h e Rabbi, "after Moses had
crossed t h e Red Sea, it is written: 'Then sang Moses.'
Thus we see, that we have a precedent even f o r
this."

A SEARCHING QUESTION
Rabbi Simon, o f Kaminka, was surnamed "The
Father o f the Poor," f o r he spent m u c h o f his t i m e
in collecting money f o r t h e poor, the widows and
the orphans. He once came t o a r i c h and niggardl y m a n called M e n d e l Gebenicht, and asked h i m
f o r a donation, which M e n d e l did not wish t o refuse outright, but tried t o put forward an excuse,
by saying:
"Dear Rabbi, I would surely give you a good
donation, as your dignity deserves, but a l l t h e
money I can devote t o charity, I have t o devote t o
m y poor relations, o f whom there are many."
"That may be so," said t h e Rabbi, "but why d o
you n o t finish your statement?"
"Why, what more should I have t o say?" asked
Mendel.

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113

"I mean that y o u m i g h t t r u t h f u l l y have expressed it this way," said t h e Rabbi: " 'All t h e money I
have t o devote t o charity, I have t o devote t o m y
poor relations, o f whom there are many, a n d t o
whom I never give anything a t all, so how, then, d o
you expect m e t o give anything t o total strangen?' "
This unexpected rejoinder confused t h e man, and
he gave t h e Rabbi t h e donation f o r t h e poor, as
requested.

OUT OF HIS JURISDICTION

T h e celebrated Rabbi Chaim Leib, o f Stavisk, was
once very ill, and a noted physician was summoned
t o attend him.

"I regret t o t e l l you," said t h e physician t o t h e

Rabbi's family, "that there is n o hope f o r his recovery; you must prepare f o r t h e w o n t . "
Naturally, at this news (which was n o t made
known t o t h e Rabbi), t h e faces o f those about h i m
became very sad, and t h e Rabbi inquired t h e reason, and insisted t h a t he should be informed exactly
what t h e physician had said. W h e n it was t o l d t o
him, t h e Rabbi replied:
"Pay n o attention t o it. T h e doctor is dealing
w i t h a t h i n g which is o u t o f his sphere when h e
speaks like that."
"Why?" they asked him.
"Because 'God gives permission t o t h e physician

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t o cure,' says t h e Talmud, but Cod does n o t give

h i m permission, however great his skill may be, t o
relinquish hope or f o r f e i t life."

And, like that Benjamin t h e Righteous, o f whom

it is said ir; t h e Talmud t h a t t h e ministering angels
intercede f o r h i m o n h i s death-bed and obtained
an additional twenty-two years o f l i f e f o r h i m Rabbi Chaim Leib did, in fact, recover f r o m his
illness in spite o f the physician's dire prognostication.

ONLY THE VOICE

In t h e city o f Wilna, t h e position o f cantor was
open, and Rabbi Moses Rivkes was a candidate f o r
t h e place. M a n y favored his cause, while some
were against h i s candidacy o n t h e ground t h a t h e
did not have a particularly phenomenal voice.
T h e t w o parties brought t h e case t o t h e great
Rabbi Shabse Cohen (called Shach, after t h e name
o f h i s commentary o f Caro's Code), and h e sided
w i t h those who favored Rabbi Rivkes.
T h e opponents o f Rabbi Rivkes asked him:
"Is it not a fact t h a t one o f t h e qualities required
b y o u r law is t h a t a hazzen should have 'a beautiful
voice?' "
answered Rabbi Cohen; "there are a
number o f qualifications required b y our codehe must be o f age, a m a n o f education, Codfearing,

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of pleasing personality, and have a good voice.

A n d as t o Rabbi Rivkes," continued he, "you all
concede he is o f f u l l age, a firstclass scholar, Codfearing, o f pleasing personality,---all you differ
about is his voice,--and why bicker over only one
detail like that?"

A N INVERTED PRIDE
Beirisch, the Shammas, or attendant, o f the famous Rabbi Moses Schreiber, o f Presburg, was very
proud and officious i n the course of his duties and
a number o f persons complained t o the Rabbi o f
his Shammas having treated them brusquely.
Equally brusque was the Rabbi with the Shammas, for turning upon h i m suddenly, he said bluntly:
"They all say you are conceited, Beirisch; tell me,
then, why are you so conceited?"
"Well why should I not be?" answered Beirisch,
airill. "Am I not, i n the first place, the Shammas
o f such a great man as yourself; and i n the second
place, the nephew o f Reb Croinem Celdhaber, well
known for his great wealth?"

"SO, even this is the case," answered the Rabbi,

"I can still see no reason f o r you t o pride yourself

very much. Now, if you had as much scholarship
as I have, and as much money as your uncle, perhaps you would have some ground for thinking well
o f yourself as compared with others; b u t as you

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have only about as much scholarship as your uncle,

and as much money as I have--what is there for
you to be proud about?"

SOLOMON NOT A MISOGYNIST

Rabbi Moishele Darshen, of Shilel, was famous
everywhere as a great orator, hence his cognomen,
"Darshenl' or "Preacher."
His favorite subject was "Solomon."

But this

did not suit his wife, the Rabetzin Zippa Kreindal,

who, for some reason, did not like King Solomon
whom the world calls the wisest of men. Once she
said to her distinguished husband:
"My dear Rabbi, why do you always preach on
Solomon?"
"Because he was the wisest of men," answered
the Rabbi. "But tell me," continued he, "why are
you always so opposed to Solomon?"
I,

Because he was a misogynist; did he not say,

'One (good) man among a thousand I have found,

but one (good) woman among a thousand I did
not find?' "
"Nay,"

replied the Rabbi, "women should rather

be grateful to Solomon for that saying, for by that

saying family peace i s secured."
"Why?" asked she in astonishment.
"Because," answered Rabbi Moishele, "Solomon

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117

very well knew t h e nature o f men, and t h a t it was

best t o let t h e m know that a good woman, even one
in a thousand, it would be hard t o find-for
i f he
said there c w l d be found one in a thousand, perhaps a m a n would think t h a t by changing his wife,
he m i g h t get t h a t good one; b u t when he is t o l d b y
t h e wisets o f m e n t h a t there i s n o good one, h e says
t o himself, W h y should I change? For Solomon,
who ought t o know, says there are no good ones,
so I may as well keep t h e one I have.' "

THE LATEST ABOUT MYSELF

W h e n the distinguished Rabbi Chaim Soloweitzig, o f Brisk (Brest-Litovsk), was once in St. Petersburg attending a rabbinical conference, t h e correspondents o f t h e Jewish newspapers took occasion
t o publish exaggerated and incorrect accountsespecially guilty in this respect was a paper called
the "Huent," published in St. Petersburg.
One day t h e correspondent o f t h e "Huent,"
which carried every day some fantastic story about
him, applied t o Rabbi Soloweitzig f o r a special interview, saying t o him, "I should like t o publish
some characteristic story concerning you, Rabbi."
"Perhaps, tomorrow," answered t h e Rabbi; "not
today."
"May I not have something today?" insisted t h e
correspondent.

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118

"Not today," said the Rabbi, "because I have

not as yet read today's 'Huent,' and, therefore, I
am not posted regarding the latest characteristic
things about myself."

STOMACH TROUBLE
Rabbi Jeruham'l Zaddik was Rabbi of Shivilishock for over f i f t y years, and when the venerable
Rabbi became ninety years of age, the community
engaged another Rabbi in his stead against his
protest.
Soon after his arrival, the new Rabbi happened
to get sick and the old Rabbi visited him.
"What ails you?" he inquired of the new Rabbi.

"I think I am suffering with stomach trouble,"

answered he.

"I expected it," said Rabbi Jeruham81.

"Why so?" asked the other i n surprise.
"Why shouldn't your stomach be deranged when
in one day you ate up an old Rabbi ninety years
old?"
The newcomer, with the Rabbi's venerable and
ancient presence before him, received an impression which led t o a resolution; and when he had
recovered sufficiently bade Shivilishock farewell.

HE WILL BE RICH
The learned Rabbi Joseph Baer, o f Brest-Litovsk,

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119

was once sitting in a conference w i t h the rich dignitaries o f t h e Jewish community, discussing communal affairs, and the conference was a t a standstill through t h e i r disagreements w i t h him.

At this juncture a woman came in w i t h considerable perturbation, and asked t h e Rabbi about
t h e interpretation o f a dream.
"What was your dream?" asked the Rabbi.

"An awful dream t h a t m y only son was demented," answered she.

"That was a good dream," said the Rabbi. " I f
he was crazy, it is a sign t h a t he will become rich.
Go in peace, and Cod bless you."
A f t e r the woman had departed, well-pleased t o
f i n d that h e r dream was o f good augury, one o f
t h e counselors asked t h e Rabbi, curiously:
"Honored Rabbi, how d o you i n f e r that h e r
dream was o f good import?"
"Easily enough," he replied; "something about
this conference suggests it."

HE COPIED H I M
Rabbi Chaim Rumshisker, famous maggid
(preacher) o f Rumshisk, before he attained fame
was once o n his way t o that c i t y t o preach o n t h e
Sabbath, and m e t an illiterate exhorter o f well
known type, who asked him: "Rabbi, where d o you
speak this Sabbath? W h a t are you going t o say?

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1 a m o n m y way t o preach at another place, and

perhaps I could use one o r t w o o f your thoughts."
T h e Rabbi, feeling t h a t there would be n o h a r m
in communicating t o h i m t h e contents o f his next
Sabbath's discourse, since they were bound f o r different localities, supplied h i m w i t h all t h e points
o f a carefully studied drush, o r sermon, appropriate
t o t h e ensuing Sabbath.
W h a t was t h e Rabbi's surprise, however, when
h e came t o t h e synagogue o f Rumshisk o n t h e next
Sabbath t o speak, and found t h e m a n who had
questioned h i m engaged in asking t h e gabai, o r official in charge o f t h e service, f o r leave t o address
t h e congregation. Rabbi Chaim protested t o t h e
gabai, but as t h e Rabbi was himself at t h a t t i m e
a stranger t o him, t h e gabai simply said goodnaturedly: "You are a maggid and he is a maggid;
b o t h o f you may speak."

"All right, i f he will speak first," insisted Rabbi

Chaim.
T h e illiterate arose and delivered point by point
(with that keen aptitude o f memory t h a t makes one
marvel, sometimes, at nature's compensation t o t h e
unlettered minds) the discourse Rabbi Chaim has
supplied h i m w i t h o n t h e way.
Rabbi Chaim arose when t h e other had finished
speaking, and said quizzically: "Friends, t h a t I
should give y o u a sermon d i f f e r e n t f r o m t h e pre-

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121

ceding speaker would n o t be strange, f o r you are

aware t h a t I a m a Talmud chacham (scholar), but
I shall exhibit m y oratorical powers i n another manner;"--and
t o t h e i r astonished ears he repeated
word f o r word t h e sermon o f t h e speaker who had
preceded him. A s he went on, t h e hearers discovered for themselves t h e t r u e situation, and
punctuated Rabbi Chaim's sermon w i t h smiles and
laughter.

HE WAS TOO LIBERAL

In Warsaw lived Rabbi Baer Meisles, renowned
f o r good works and learning in t h e Law.

One day a fellow Jew, who was a stranger in t h e

city, came t o h i m w i t h a complaint:
''Rabbi,'' said he, "I arrived in this c i t y o n a
Friday, and went t o a n inn kept b y Joska Beirishes;
and f o r safe-keeping over t h e Sabbath, I handed
t o him t e n thousand r u b l e e h o w could 1 d o otherwise? And when o n Saturday night, Sabbath bei n g over, I asked f o r t h e return o f t h e money (which
was as precious t o m e almost as l i f e itself, f o r it
was in greater part entrusted t o m e b y others), he
absolutely denied t h a t I had given it t o him. Has
ever such a t h i n g been heard of, Rabbi?"
T h e Rabbi saw that t h e m a n was an honest villager; he also knew Joska Beirishes, f o r a t one t i m e
o r another when, in emergencies, he had appealed

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t o his fellow Jews f o r contributions, never had there

been a Jew more stubborn against every plea f o r
charity than this rich innkeeper.
T h e Rabbi sent word t o Joska t o come t o his
house, and when he arrived questioned h i m earnestl y regarding the small townsmen's t e n thousand
rubles. However, Joska denied that he had ever
received f r o m the stranger a single coin.
There appeared t o be an impasse, f o r thore were
n o witnesses t o tell whether it was true o r not.
T h e stranger meantime was lamenting t o Heaven
that he had visited a c i t y so like u n t o Sodom, and
declared that h e would drown himself.

"I would suggest, a t any rate," said the Rabbi t o

Joska, "since this stranger had shelter under your
roof, that y o u give h i m a donation."
Joska replied: "All right; I w i l l give h i m twentyfive rubles."
"Not enough," said the Rabbi; Joska increased
it t o fifty; and under t h e Rabbi's prompting, he increased it t o a hundred, two hundred, up t o five
hundred-when,
the Rabbi being convinced that
the inn-keeper could not be so liberal w i t h h i s o w n
money, but intended t o repay t h e stranger f r o m t h e
stolen money l e f t in his care, sprang upon him, demanding a confession.
In the ensuing commotion, Joska confessed, and t h e money was returned
t o the owner.

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123

QUALIFICATIONS OF A RABBI
In t h e city o f Sadagora, where t h e famous Chasidic Zaddik, t h e holy Rabbi Israel Ruziner, flourished, t h e dayyan, o r associate rabbi, died, and many
candidates applied f o r t h e vacant post since it was
esteemed a very great honor t o be dayyan o f Sodagora.
T h e dignitaries o f t h e community assembled together w i t h Rabbi lsrael t o discuss t h e qualifications o f t h e candidates.

With reference t o one applicant, they said: "He

is reputed t o be a very wise man; d o you approve
o f selecting h i m f o r t h e position?"
"No,"

answered Rabbi Israel.

With reference t o another applicant they said:

"He is a very good-natured man; how would he do?"
"No,"

answered t h e Rabbi again.

They inquired again regarding another candidate, saying: "He is well known as a very Godfearing person."
Again Rabbi Israel said: "No."
N o w it was contrary t o t h e custom o f Rabbi
Israel's followers t o interrogate h i m as t o t h e reasons f o r his opinions, so great was t h e reverence
accorded t o him. T h e dignitaries were in a quandary, however, t o know what t o d o in t h e matter o f
securing a dayyan, and deliberated among themselves, as t o why t h e Rabbi should n o t be satisfied

HUMOROUS TALES

1 24

w i t h candidates o f such good qualifications as had

been proposed.
The Rabbi, overhearing something o f this discussion, said t o them:

"I will explain: Wisdom alone is n o t a sufficient

qualification, f o r there are many thieves who are
wise; good-nature is not alone sufficient, f o r some
immoral people are good natured; t o be God-feari n g alone is not enough, f o r many Cod-fearing people lack judgment and discrimination.

W h a t I want

is a dayyan who is wise, good-natured, and Godfearing."

T h e famous Rabbi Leibish Landau was t h e n elected dayyan.

HEART AND HEAD

Rabbi Chaim Halberstam, o f Sandz, occasionally,
journeyed t o pay his respects t o the Chasidic Zaddik, Rabbi Israel o f Ruzin, who was a m i g h t y m a n
o f prayer, though by n o means the equal o f Rabbi
Halberstam in scholarship.
Once when Rabbi Halberstam was o n the way t o
Sadagora, where the great Zaddik lived, he was m e t
b y his colleague, Rabbi Joseph S. Nathanson o f
Lemberg, who, after m u t u a l greetings, asked him:
"Rabbi, h o w does it come that you, a great and
justly renowned scholar, are doing homage, as it
were, t o one o f the Chasidic rabbis, as though h e

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125

were a spiritual superior?"

"I w i l l explain b y asking you another question,"

answered Rabbi Halberstam. "How does it come
that t h e H o l y Temple was b u i l t at M o u n t Moriah,
and n o t at M o u n t Sinai?"

"I d o not know," answered the other. " W h y was

it?"
"The answer is," said t h e Rabbi, "that t h e service o f t h e heart is, after all, more acceptable t o
God than t h e service o f t h e head. At M o u n t
Moriah, Abraham was willing t o o f f e r Isaac; and
this service o f t h e heart even excels t h e covenant
o f Sinai where t h e law was given, f o r t h e study o f
t h e law is a service o f t h e head."

WHAT PRESERVED THE CITY

There were, f o r a long time, two factions in t h e
city o f Kriegstadt, each accusing t h e other, b y dark
innuendo, o f being actuated b y very bad motives.
W h e n t h e great Rabbi Aaron Spitz visited t h e i r
city, both o f these factions laid t h e i r complaints
before him, each, o f course, slurring t h e other.
T h e Rabbi, after consideration, concluded that
b o t h were t o blame, and said t o them:
"I believe I well understand now b y what quality
your city is preserved. I w i l l explain this in m y
sermon next Sabbath."
Accordingly o n t h e following Sabbath, t h e Rabbi

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took f o r his theme t h e saying o f Rabban Simeon

ben G m a l i e l : "By three things is t h e world preserved: b y truth, b y judgment, anci by peace."

"NOW," said t h e Rabbi, "as t o 'judgment,' you

have n o t very m u c h of it in this place; and 'peace'
is o u t o f t h e question. O n l y 'truth' preserves your
city-a very sad 'truth' indeed, namely, t h a t what
one faction says o f t h e other is true!"
Notwithstanding t h a t this utterance o f Rabbi
Spitz did n o t then please a l l parties, eventually h e
did b r i n g about peace among t h e conflicting factions.

FOR THE ONE AT HIS RIG.HT

In t h e latter part o f t h e eighteenth century there
arose, as a result o f t h e life and labors o f Rabbi
Israel Baal Shem, t h e peculiar sect o f Judaism calle d Chasidism, which exalted t h e devotional, mystic
elements o f t h e religion above t h e intellectual.

T h i s movement was opposed b y Rabbi Ezekiel

Lando, o f Prague (1 7 13- 1793), who, although comb i n i n g vast erudition w i t h great amenity o f character, had a great aversion t o t h e new emotional,
zealous sect. H e directed b i t t e r criticism against
a w o r k o f Chasidic authorship, "Toldoth Jacob Joseph," b y Rabbi Jacob Joseph o f Polnoah, known as
t h e "apostle" o f Chasidism.
A f t e r t h e death o f Rabbi Jacob Joseph, a disciple

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127

o f his, Rabbi Jacob Samson, o f Spitifka, decided t o

g o t o Prague and seek b y discussion t o influence
Rabbi Lando t o take a more lenient view o f Chasidism.
Rabbi Samson disguised himself, and travelled t o
Prague as a peasant. Incognito he came t o Rabbi
Lando, who, taking h i m t o be a poor wandering
mendicant, gave h i m some money and dismissed
him. Rabbi Samson refused the gift, and said t o
Rabbi Lando:

"I wonder t h a t t h e great Rabbi o f Prague did

not rise when I entered the house."
"What,"

exclaimed t h e Rabbi in surprise.

"Not o n m y account, but o n account o f t h e One

w h o stands at m y r i g h t hand," said Rabbi Samson.
" W h o is at your r i g h t hand?" asked Rabbi Lando,
t h i n k i n g that perhaps he was dealing w i t h an insane person.
"Do you not think I a m a needy man?--and
does it not say in Psalms, 'Because H e (God) stande t h at t h e r i g h t hand o f t h e needy?'

"

From this rejoinder, Rabbi Lando saw that he was

not dealing w i t h a common person, and entered
i n t o a discussion o f t h e law w i t h his visitor, becomi n g more and more aware t h a t his zeal, t r u t h f u l ness and learning entitled h i m t o respect.
Rabbi Samson succeeded in his mission, and t h e
shafts o f disapproval directed a t t h e Chasidim b y

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TALES

Rabbi Lando ceased.

WISE TO DO GOOD
Once o n t h e eve o f Passover there came t o Rabbi
Chaim, o f Volozin, a m a n w i t h this question:
"Rabbi, I wish t o know whether t h e f o u r cups
o f wine which it is obligatory t o drink o n t h e Passover eve ceremony, may be substituted b y f o u r
glasses o f milk?"
"Why d o you ask," inquired t h e Rabbi; "are
you ill, t h a t wine disagrees w i t h you?"
"No,"

h e replied.

Rabbi Chaim thought a moment, and answered:

"Well, here are five Rubles; g o and b u y yourself
wine, and may you have a pleasant holidty."
Happy and gay, t h e m a n departed. Rabbi
Chaim's wife, who had observed all this, said t o
her husband:
" W h y did you give h i m five Rubles H e could
buy all t h e wine he needs f o r even less than two."
"Because 'a wise m a n has his eye in his head,' as
it says in Ecclesiastes," replied t h e Rabbi. "From
t h e fact t h a t he asked leave t o use m i l k f o r t h e
'seder' when he is n o t ill, I deduced t h a t he did n o t
expect t o have meat f o r t h a t occasion, since they
may n o t be b o t h partaken o f at one meal, therefore, what h e really needed was sufficient means

HUMOROUS

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to buy meat and wine for his family.

I gave h i m five rubles."

129

That is whv

A TRUTHFUL C O M M U N I N
I n a city i n Poland the synagogal community
experienced constant difficulty with their rabbis.
Rabbis came and rabbis went, and none could suit
the community.
Once Rabbi Leib Gordon, of Lomza, chanced t o
visit that city, and after a conference with the
Baabbatim, the parishioners, he said t o them
ironically:
"The people o f your city are t o be admired; they
fear falsehood, and are careful t o speak the truth."
This sounded well t o the Baale-Batim who did not
see any hidden criticism i n it, until an inquisitive
and doubting character happened t o ask Rabbi
Gordon why he so expressed himself, when he
explained:

"On Yom Kippur, when confessing sins, they

say: Forgive us "for the sin which we have committed before Thee by despising parents and teachers,'--and
i n order that they may not be confessing
something which they did not do, they evidently
have taken care to despise their teachers before
Yom Kippur!"

130

HUMOROUS

TALES

RESPONSIBILITY
Rabbi Schloimele Goldes, of Jerusalem, was a
very young man when he assumed the office of
Rabbi-in fact, he was only nineteen years of age.
A t thirty-five, he had a veteran's bearing which
caused people to take h i m for a man of fifty.
Once he was asked by a friend why he looked so
much older than he really was, since his friend was
aware that he did not suffer ill-health or private
griefs.
"Look
Rabbi.

at Moses and Samuel,"

answered the

"What about them?" asked his friend.

"As you know," answered the Rabbi, "Moses and
Samuel were outstanding leaden i n Israel; indeed
the Talmud says that they were of equal worth."
''How then," he continued, "does it come that
o f Moses at the age o f a hundred and twenty years,
the Torah says, 'His eyes were not dim nor his
natural force abated,' while Samuel says o f himself, 'And I am old and gray-headed,' although we
know by tradition that he was only fifty-two years
old when he died?"
"But," continued he, "that might be explained
by the fact that Moses became a leader o f his people at the age of eighty after a lifetime free from
communal cares, while Samuel was dedicated to
the service from infancy."

HUMOROUS TALES

131

Here the Rabbi paused, and said:

"I became a rabbi at nineteen; and if I appear

t o be older than m y years, you may reason it out
from the illustrations I mentioned."
His friend agreed that perhaps the burden of
the cares o f the multitude was enough t o account
for the young Rabbi's aged appearance.

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