TEASER

INT. SMITH'S HOME - MORNING

Stan Smith enters the kitchen while the rest of his family
eats.
ROGER
Gee, where ya been? I could've
sworn I've watched Gone Girl 100
times since I last saw you.
STAN
(smiles, proud)
I've been on a mission. The most
secret mission of all missions I've ever had, as a mission.
STEVE
(immature)
Oh boy, did you beat the bad guys,
daddio?
Stan cringes.
STAN
Steve, go to your room.
HAYLEY
Dad, how can it be such a secret if
you just told us?
STAN
Never mind that, then.
(sweats)
The real secret is how does your
mother make such delicious
breakfasts!
FRANCINE
Stan, you haven't even eaten.
Stan pretends to chew.
STAN
(to himself, fake chewing)
Mmm. Imaginary bacon... So...
delicious... must... leave... the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2
(cont'd)

table.
Stan leaves.
ROGER
I'll give it a 4 out of 10.
END TEASER

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ACT ONE
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan Smith enters a dark part of the building with a hoodie.
Reginald Koala waits.
STAN
(desperate)
Reginald, it didn't work.
Reginald puts a finger over his mouth and shakes his head.
Reginald gestures for more money. Stan sighs and hands him a
roll of cash.
REGINALD
The mission to missionary plan?
STAN
Yeah! I was just... I just sucked.
REGINALD
(chuckles)
Psh. That bullshit is a thing of
the past.
Reginald reaches in his pocket.
REGINALD
Check it out, homie.
Reginald tosses Stan a pair of brand new KEYS. Stan lets
them drop to the ground and immediately pulls out his GUN.
STAN
(terrified)
Keys to the safe!?!
REGINALD
What? Wha - no! It's keys to a
motorcycle, you idiot.
STAN
You're going away?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

REGINALD
What, no! Stan, what did we come
here to talk about.
Stan calculates in his brain for far too long. Numbers and
equations fly around his head.
STAN
Francine. Francine won't have sex
with me.
Stan frowns.
REGINALD
Right. And you handed me cash for
what?
Stan calculates again. Numbers and equations fly around his
head.
STAN
Advice. Advice on how to get
Francine! All I need to do is buy a
motorcycle and she'll love me
again, forever!
REGINALD
(smiles)
Exactly.
Stan exits.
STAN
(leaving)
Thank you Reginald!
REGINALD
(to himself)
That was way too easy.
INT. SMITH'S HOME - DAY
Steve works diligently on a project that's covered up by a
cloth. Roger watches TV while drinking a mimosa.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ROGER
What are you doing this time,
Steve? Building a device that'll
stop you from wetting the bed?
STEVE
That happened in 8th grade, Roger!
8th grade!
Roger chuckles. All of a sudden, they hear a loud ENGINE
NOISE coming from outside. Roger and Steve look outside to
see Stan riding a large motorcycle and smoking a cigarette.
Francine steps outside.
STAN
(deep voice)
Honey, are you down to ride?
The motorcycle and cigarette smoke is too much to handle for
Francine. She coughs.
FRANCINE
(coughing)
Stan, what the hell are you doing
now?
STAN
Oh, ya know. Just being...
Stan flips the cigarette and stomps it out.
STAN (C0NT.)
Bad.
Stan winks.
Roger and Steve cringe from the upstairs window. Stan sees
them.
STAN
Hey, hey! What are you doin up
there little fellas? I'll knock you
right out!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRANCINE
Stan, you don't smoke cigarettes or
beat children, what are you trying
to do?
STAN
(discouraged)
Oh, nothing. It's no use.
Stan tries to reverse the motorcycle but runs into the
mailbox. He goes forward and runs into his car. He does this
multiple times before exiting.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan sits at his desk, frowning. Deputy Director Avery
Bullock enters.
BULLOCK
What's got you down, Smith? Not
enough work for you to be doing?
STAN
Yes sir. Not enough work. That is
exactly what it is.
BULLOCK
(pulls out paperwork)
Well, here you go STAN
Mr Bullock! Wait.
(gulps)
Did you ever have any - ya know "problems" with bedding women when
you're with them? Like,
particularly my wife?
BULLOCK
(serious)
Oh, no. It's always smooth sailing
with your wife.
STAN
What?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

BULLOCK
(realizes)
Oh, no. Not like that, Mr Smith.
Now I do know what helps me to bed
women.
Beat.
STAN
What is it?
BULLOCK
(oblivious)
Now what were we talking about
again?
INT. SMITH'S HOME - DAY
Roger is drinking vodka while tearing up over Desperate
Housewives. Steve is working on his mysterious project.
ROGER
(drunk, emotional)
They were such good friends.
STEVE
(to himself)
Perfect. My perfect invention is
almost complete. Almost done!
Almost finished.
Steve lets out an evil laugh. Stan enters. Roger is crying
while Steve is still laughing maniacally.
STAN
Did I come at a bad time?
Roger immediately stops crying. Steve goes back to normal,
embarrassed from laughing.
ROGER
Not at all, Stanerino. What's on
your mind?
STAN
It's just. It's just Francine.
She's all I can think about right
now.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ROGER
She won't have sex with you huh.
STEVE
Ew! Ew stop!
STAN
Steve, go to your room.
Steve locks up the invention and then leaves.
ROGER
(contemplating)
Sex with Francine. Sex with
Francine.
Klaus enters.
KLAUS
(excited)
Did someone say sex with Francine?
Oh oh me me!
Roger and Stan stare at Klaus. Klaus exits.
ROGER
Sex with Francine. Hmm. I'd say
your main problem is you haven't
been yourself.
STAN
Myself? Well, I'm always myself!
ROGER
Buddy, buddy. You came home with a
motorcycle. The real Stan wouldn't
do that!
STAN
You know what. You're right.
Damnit, Roger, you're right!
STAN begins to leave.
STAN
The real Stan would do something
bigger, larger, more gigantic, and
just plain old huge!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Stan exits.
ROGER
Oh god.
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve has moved his invention to the basement. It now moves
in cycles and makes a CLICKING noise. Hayley enters.
HAYLEY
Steve, what is that sound? It's
annoying, I'm trying to sleep.
Steve stares at her.
STEVE
(evil)
I see you've found my contraption.
Get out.
Steve slams the door on Hayley.
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan paces, Francine is nowhere to be seen.
STAN
Motorcycles...bigger motorcycles...
huger motorcycles.
(smiles, then frowns)
Genius. But she's allergic to
normal motorcycles. Who know's what
she'd do around a big one...
Stan has an epiphany.
STAN (C0NT.)
That's it!
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY
An African American DOCTOR looks at Stan with a microscope.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10
DOCTOR

Wow!
(chuckles)
Looks like you have a case of
SupersmallJohnsonism.
STAN
I know. My wife won't even talk to
me.
DOCTOR
(under his breath)
Just be yourself.
STAN
What?
DOCTOR
(ignores)
Well, let's get going!
The Doctor sticks an instrument inside Stan. Stan SCREAMS.
EXT. DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY
Stan limps outside the office with a smile on his face. He
is in serious pain.
INT. SMITH'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Stan enters, in pain and sporting a gigantic bulge.
FRANCINE
Stan, get that thing out of here!
Stan trips and falls, knocking over (with his bulge) a vase,
a painting, a globe, and a table.
Stan exits.
INT. ROGERS ATTIC - DAY
Roger watches television. Stan enters.
STAN
(sad)
Oh, Roger. I've tried it all!
Secret missions, motorcycles, and
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11

(cont'd)
two different surgeries for my
Supersmalljohnsonism.
(looks down)
My life sucks.
ROGER
Stan, what'd I say before? Just be
yourself. Before you had the
mission, you bought that puppy to
impress her and then sold it
because it didn't work. She's
always liked you as your self,
Stan. Just show it to her.
STAN
You know what, Roger? You're right.
CUT TO:
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan opens up his robe and Francine SCREAMS.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGERS ATTIC - CONTINUOUS
Roger watches television.
ROGER
Ouch.
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve has now made the machine CLICK and MOAN.
HAYLEY
Ew, Steve! Is that some kind of sex
machine?
STEVE
(evil grin)
No. It's much better.
Steve closes the door on Hayley and locks it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12

STAN
(to himself, crazier than
before)
Much, much better.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan enters Deputy Director Avery Bullocks Office.
STAN
(hesitant)
Hi Mr. Bullock.
BULLOCK
I heard you wanted to see me. In
bad spirits again I see?
(chuckles)
Wussy.
STAN
Francine won't have sex with me!
Bullock stops talking, puts his mouth on his lips, and asks
for money. Stan, reluctant, puts the money in Bullocks hand.
BULLOCK
Cocaine. Have you tried cocaine?
STAN
Bullock, I'm a family man.
BULLOCK
Perfect, you'll love it!
STAN
Deputy Director Bullock - I can't
just do cocaine to bed my wife!
That - that's not... me.
Stan thinks.
STAN
Wait a second. That's right. That's
not me! I have to be me to bed
Francine.
Stan begins to leave.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
STAN (C0NT.)
Thanks Mr. Bullock!
BULLOCK
(to himself)
Now why is that so easy?
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan walks around the office, happy as can be.
STAN
(singing)
Being myself, being myself.
All I wanna do is be myself!
Bullock enters.
BULLOCK
(smiles)
I see you've - "done the duty" wink
wink nudge nudge am I right Mr.
Smith?
STAN
What? No. Not at all. I'm just
really taking time to be myself.
(sings)
Being myself, being myself.
All I wanna do is be myself!
BULLOCK
Singing about being yourself won't
get you laid, Smith. You gotta do
it the ole fashioned way. Gun in
one hand, dead animal in the other.
All this flowerpicking won't get
you anywhere! You have to get it,
Smith, you have to get it!
STAN
I've already gotten it, Mr.
Bullock. And I'll get it again.
It's only a matter of time...

13

14
INT. STAN'S DREAM - NIGHT
It is 40 years in the future. Stan talks to Francine.
STAN
(old man voice)
Francine, can't we just have sex?
It's been 40 years...
FRANCINE
(old women voice)
Have Chex? Honey you have Chex
every morning.
Stan frowns.
CUT TO:
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Stan jolts awake.
STAN
Ah!
Stan sneaks out of the house. He doesn't notice the CLICKING
and MOANING coming from Steve's room. He uses his cell phone
to call:
Calling: Bullock
BULLOCK (V.O)
Hello, you have reached Deputy
Director Bullock! Please leave a
message after the beep.
(doesn't beep)
Now yeah, just place the grapes in
between your nipples... oh, oh
shit.
The phone lets out a BEEP.
STAN
(frantic)
Bullock! Bullock! Pick up! If I
don't figure this out soon, I'll go
40 years without having sex!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15

Stan hangs up.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan works at his desk, sad. Bullock enters.
BULLOCK
I got your message, Mr. Smith. See
what I told you? You need to go in
like a man and get laid while
letting out a primal scream, saying
"I win, God, you bloody bastard"
while you bla STAN
(grossed out)
Okay, okay that's enough Mr.
Bullock. I get it. I'm a wus.
(frowns)
Will, you just... will you just
maybe - talk to her?
Bullock smiles.
BULLOCK
Absolutely.
INT. SMITH'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Deputy Director Bullock sits uncomfortably on the Smith's
couch. Francine enters with scones and coffee.
BULLOCK
Scones and coffee, the most
beautiful snack! Speaking of
beautiful, Miss Smith, you are
much, much more than that. You are,
the most gorgeous woman I have ever
met.
Francine is flattered yet weirded out.
FRANCINE
Oh, um. Well, thank you!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16

BULLOCK
Say, Francine, if you don't mind me
calling you that.
FRANCINE
No, not at all.
BULLOCK
Well, Francine. Has Mr. Smith
gotten to see any of that
prettiness lately?
FRANCINE
Nope. All it is, is mission this,
missionary that, mission this,
missionary that, we never do
anything different! And he's always
trying to be someone other than
himself. A biker, a guy with a big
Johnson...
BULLOCK
Speaking of big johnsons, Miss
Smith Bullock and Francine begin to make out.
They realize what they are doing.
BULLOCK
Ah!
FRANCINE
Ah!
BULLOCK
We will not speak of this with your
husband.
FRANCINE
I agree. It's a secret. Between you
and me Stan enters. They see him, but he sneaks inside. He doesn't
know that they see him. He keeps his back to the wall and
sneaks upstairs.
END ACT ONE
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
ACT TWO
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan is working at his desk. Avery Bullock enters.
STAN
(mad)
So. Mr. Bullock. What'd you come up
with? Did it makeout to be a good
time?
BULLOCK
Yes. Yes of course Mr. Smith.
Bullock pulls out a gun and aims it at Stan.
BULLOCK (CONT.)
Did I, Stan? Did I...
Stan frowns and looks at the ground.
STAN
No sir, no I didn't.
Bullock puts his gun back in his pocket. INTERN enters.
INTERN
Nice gun, Mr. Bullock!
BULLOCK
(shakes head)
Ehh...
INT. STEVE SMITH'S ROOM - NIGHT
Steve's contraption has gotten even bigger. He is maniacal.
Francine enters.
FRANCINE
Steve, your macaroni's ready.
Steve goes back to normal.
STEVE
Ooh, macaroni!
Steve exits.

17

18
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan and Francine look at each other with blank faces while
sitting in bed.
STAN
I'm glad you told me.
FRANCINE
I'm glad I did too.
Stan and Francine kiss, and then makeout.
FADE TO:
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - MORNING
Bullock enters Stan's desk.
BULLOCK
Hello, Mr. Smith.
STAN
Hello, Deputy Director Bullock.
Bullock gets close to Stan.
BULLOCK
Why are you smiling, Mr. Smith? Did
you sleep sex with my wife?
Bullock laughs. Stan forces laughter.
Bullock immediately stops laughing.
BULLOCK (CONT.)
(sinister)
Or did you sleep with my women.
Bullock gets on his knees and cries.
FADE TO:
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
OVERHEAD SHOT: BULLOCK CRYING.
Rain clouds form. Bullock gets up and begins to sing.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19

BULLOCK
(singing)
If I only had Francine... If I only
had Francine... In a praire of some
flowers we'll be there for hours
and hours if I only had Francine.
We'd dance among the meadows, say
bye to all my fellows (Bye Stan!) Bullock kicks Stan out of the frame.
BULLOCK
(singing)
If I only had Francine... We'd
dance among the forests too, debate
about which chores to do, if I only
had Francine...
Francine enters.
BULLOCK
I see you came for my perfo FRANCINE
Bullock, what the hell are you
singing about?
Bullock gulps.
BULLOCK
You.
A crowd of employees cheers him on.
EMPLOYEES
Get it Bullcock! / Oh yeah, banging
Francine. / Hell yeah!
FRANCINE
(to crowd)
No! Just, no!
The crowd stops cheering.
EMPLOYEES
Oh. / Oh okay. / Okay yeah.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20

FRANCINE
I love Stan.
The Employees take a second and then catch on.
EMPLOYEES
Yeah Stan! / Stan the man! / Stan
banging Francine! / That's his
wife!
STAN
Oh Francine!
BULLOCK
Mr. Smith, you're fired.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
SLOW MOTION OVERHEAD: STAN SMITH
STAN
(yelling at sky)
Nooooooooooooooo!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT 3
EXT. SMITH HOUSE - NIGHT
There's a full moon. A wolf HOWLS. Silhouettes of sparks
come from Steve's room.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steve is maniacal, ready to unveil his new invention. It
still makes CLICKING and MOANING sounds.
STEVE
(to himself)
Finally, finally! My project has
come to fruition...
He waits a second, takes a deep breath, and unveils the
invention.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

21

The invention is a CHAIR with a CALCULATOR attached to it. A

DILDO slaps the CALCULATOR.
STEVE
(to himself)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(grins, evil)
Now. All of my homework, will be
finished... FOREVER!
Steve laughs at the sky.
STEVE
Yessssssssss!
The INVENTION breaks.
STEVE
Nooooooooooo!
FADE TO:
INT. SMITH LIVING ROOM - DAY
Steve and Stan sit on the couch watching football, frowning.
STAN
(tearing up)
My lifeblood... all I ever had in
life... the missions, the friends (tears stop abruptly)
Big tackle coming up.
STEVE (V.O)
(noir crime style)
And there it was. Stan and Steve at
the bottom of the bottom. Rock
bottom. Nothing more and nothing
less, than the worst.
(stops)
How did they cope, you ask? stan
watches football obsessively, and
Steve - poor Steve does what any
teenage boy does in a time of
need.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22

STAN (V.O)
(hijacking narration)
Gross, Steve.
STEVE (V.O)
Shut up, dad...
EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan walks toward the front doors of the CIA Headquarters.
STAN
(to himself)
One last chance. One last chance at
redemption.
CUT TO:
EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Stan exits the Headquarters.
STAN
Damnit! I knew that puppet bit
wouldn't work.
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve touches himself with all of the lights off. Suddenly,
the INVENTION turns on. Steve's eyes glow with excitement.
STEVE
(amazed)
I've figured out how to power it!
The INVENTION turns off.
STEVE
Damnit.
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan and Francine sit in bed.
STAN
Oh Francine, it's so nice to be
back with a woman again.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

23

(cries)
But I need my job back! I need it!
Stan gets on the floor on his hands and knees.
STAN
(begs)
Please Francine. Will you please
have sex with Avery Bullock?
Beat.
FRANCINE
Are you out of your mind?
Beat.
FRANCINE
Oh, fine, Stan. I just hope it
won't make you jealous.
STAN
Jealous? Ha! Hell, I'll watch it
happen if it means getting my job
back. Francine, my job is the
second most important thing in my
life, besides Stan thinks.
STAN
Wait a second. You're the most
important thing in my life, not my
job! Not my glamorous job full of
missions and friends and guns and
cool guys... But hey who needs it?
I have you!
FRANCINE
(not amused)
Stan, I'm flattered that I'm
important to you, but having a job
is important too. You need to find
a job.
FADE TO:

24
EXT. BURGER JOINT - DAY
A baseball flies from a nearby baseball field and breaks a
windshield. A Burger Joint CUSTOMER enters and sees his
windshield.
CUSTOMER
Nooooo!
CUT TO:
INT. BURGER JOINT - DAY
Stan works the register. CUSTOMER 2 walks in.
STAN
(unhappy)
Welcome to Burger Joint. Home of
the world famous burger joint.
Customer 2, stoned and slow moving, takes a while to answer.
CUSTOMER 2
Uh, yeah... Is there like...
Like... burgers here?
Stan cringes.
STAN
(to no one)
I can't do it! I can't do it!
Stan exits the Burger Joint.
FADE TO:
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steve cries. Hayley enters.
HAYLEY
Steve, what's wro Hayley notices the INVENTION.
HAYLEY (CONT.)
Oh my god what is that?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

25

Steve stops crying.

STEVE
(down)
It's the Homeworkenator 5000.
STEVE (V.O)
(crime noir voice)
It was my passion project, that
invention.
INT. STEVE SMITH'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Hayley hands Steve a wad of money.
STEVE (V.O)
(crime noir voice)
But that was that. It had to go.
The love of my life. The apple of
my eye. The calculator of my
dildo... But it's in better hands,
now. A person far less smart than
me. A person in need of a
calcuator.
CUT TO:
EXT. HAYLEY SMITH'S BEDROOM - DAY
STRAIGHT ON SHOT: HAYLEY'S DOOR FROM OUTSIDE.
Hayley's MOANING sounds come from the bedroom.
FADE TO:
INT. STAN AND FRANCINE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Stan is upset, as Stan and Francine sit in bed.
STAN
(childish)
And, and - my boss called me a
bedwetter!
FRANCINE
There there, Stan. You're not a
bedwetter after we got you that
medicine now are you.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

26
STAN

No...
(cries)
But I suck! Bullock will never let
me back on the job.
Roger enters wearing a blonde wig.
ROGER
(drunk)
Where's - where's my oreos.
Stan notices the wig and has an epiphany. A LIGHTBULB turns
on above his head and his eyes light up.
STAN
I got it! Roger, give me that wig.
Roger passes out, face first on the floor.
Stan picks up the wig and puts it on.
STAN
(to Francine)
Do I look like you?
Francine stares at Stan with a blank face.
FRANCINE
Stan, are you kidding me? You look
like Caitlyn Jenner, take that off.
STAN
Aw, shoot.
Stan removes the wig.
STAN
I'll never get my job back. You're
too important to me Francine, I
can't let him do that to you - just
for a lousy job!
FRANCINE
(determined)
I'll handle this, you pussy.
Francine jolts up and exits.

27
INT. BULLOCK'S OFFICE - DAY
Francine opens the doors to Bullock's office.
FRANCINE
(mad)
Avery Bullock!
BULLOCK
Yes, m'lady?
FRANCINE
Enough with the silly talk,
Bullock.
BULLOCK
Bu FRANCINE
Stan has gone far too long without
a job Stan and Roger enters with a video camera.
STAN
(biting the bullet)
I'll watch.
Francine and Bullock stare at Stan with a blank face.
FRANCINE
Stan, I'm never having sex with
Bullock! I've come here to get my
job.
STAN
Oh. Well, that's awkward. I was
actually kind of excited for that.
Stan exits.
FRANCINE
So like I said Mr. Bullock. I can't
have sex with you and I never will.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28

BULLOCK
(frowns)
Okay...
(normal face)
Then Stan will never get his job
back. Goodbye.
Stan re-enters.
STAN
Wait! Mr. Bullock - look. I can't
give you Francine.
BULLOCK
No Francine, no job.
STAN
Can you just listen for a second?
Jesus...
BULLOCK
Fine.
STAN
Avery, I have someone special for
you. Someone even more special than
Francine.
FRANCINE
Hey!
STAN
Her name is Rosetta.
Roger enters, dressed as Rosetta.
ROGER
Mimosas, anyone?
Bullock's jaw goes wide.
BULLOCK
She's beautiful!
Stan smiles, and then cringes, thinking about Roger.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29

BULLOCK
I cannot wait to bed her!
Stan smiles and then gags.
END OF ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
TAG
EXT. HAYLEY SMITH'S BEDROOM - DAY
The dildo makes loud VIBRATION NOISES in Hayley's room.
END TAG

30