THE ACTRESS

a Comedy for 2 Actors

by Peter Quilter

Copyright: Peter Quilter, 2013/2014

1

CHARACTERS
LYDIA MARTIN, THE ACTRESS (in her 50s or 60s)
PAUL, HER EX HUSBAND

SETTING
I HAVE NOT FIXED THIS FICTIONAL PLAY IN A PARTICULAR TIME PERIOD.
SO THE PLAY COULD EQUALLY BE SET IN THE 1940S, 1950S, 1970s OR IN
THE MODERN DAY. IT IS UP TO THE DIRECTOR AND DESIGNER TO
DECIDE ON THE TIME PERIOD FOR THE PLAY. THE LOCATION IS ALSO
FLEXIBLE.
THE ACTRESS TAKES PLACE MOSTLY IN THE STAR DRESSING ROOM OF
A LARGE THEATRE. A DRESSING TABLE DOMINATES, WITH A LARGE
MIRROR SURROUNDED BY LIGHT BULBS. ON THE TABLE ARE TISSUES,
CREAMS, PERFUMES, GLASSES AND A MAKE-UP BOX. THERE IS A
RECORD PLAYER OR MODERN MUSIC PLAYER (DEPENDING ON THE
PERIOD CHOSEN). THE MIRROR IS SURROUNDED BY CARDS FROM WELL
WISHERS. THE ROOM INCLUDES A TELEPHONE, A SOFA AND CHAIR AND
IS FULL WITH BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS. THERE IS A TANNOY ON THE
WALL AND FRAMED POSTERS OF PRODUCTIONS IN WHICH LYDIA
MARTIN HAS STARRED AT THIS SAME THEATRE.
THERE IS A SECOND AREA TO THE SIDE OF THE DRESSING ROOM SET.
THIS IS THE STAGE AREA OF THE THEATRE WHERE A PRODUCTION OF
CHEKHOVS THE CHERRY ORCHARD IS SHOWING. THE CHEKHOV
SEQUENCES HAVE A SIMPLE BUT ATMOSPHERIC SETTING.

THE PLAY CAN BE PERFORMED IN TWO ACTS WITH AN INTERVAL.

OR ALTERNATIVELY PLAYED STRAIGHT THROUGH WITHOUT BREAKS

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

BACKSTAGE AT A GRAND THEATRE, PREPARING FOR THE FAREWELL

PERFORMANCE OF AN ACTRESS NAMED LYDIA MARTIN. LYDIAS DRESSING
ROOM. THERE IS AN ABUNDANCE OF FLOWERS.
A CONVERSATION IS HEARD FROM THE CORRIDOR
LYDIA
(OFF) I cant talk about it now, youll have me in tears Oh God, Oh God!
ENTER LYDIA, SEEING THE FLOWERS
Oh God! (CALLING BACK INTO THE CORRIDOR) These cant all be for me. No!
I thought nobody liked me! (SHE LAUGHS)
SHE WALKS INTO THE ROOM
(CALLING OUT) Katherine! Katherine?
SHE PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE AND DIALS THE STAGE DOOR
Wheres Katherine? What! Oh how ridiculous! Yes, Im aware I fired her, but I
have the right to change my mind! Can you find me somebody else. I dont care
anybody. Who is looking after the rest of the cast? Mary doesnt need anybody, she
wears that same dour dress for the entire evening.Well, if you say so. What about the
men? Surely somebody could be sent across the corridor? Its only for one night.
There must be a dresser available somewhere Call the Stage Door at the Playhouse.
Geraldine Cook is playing Hedda Gabler there. They only have a matinee today, so
she should be dead by 7:30. See if her dresser wants some extra spending money.
Yes, just see what you can do. Honestly, of all the nights!
SHE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN. SHE IS AGITATED, SO BREATHS DEEPLY TO
CALM HERSELF DOWN. SHE PUTS SOME MUSIC ON TO PLAY. A RELAXING
OPERATIC BALLAD SUNG BY A GREAT SOPRANO. LYDIA REMOVES HER COAT
AND LOOKS FOR SOMEONE TO HAND IT TO. FRUSTRATED AGAIN, SHE
THROWS IT ON THE SOFA. SHE THEN GOES TO HER DRESSING TABLE AND
LOOKS IN THE MIRROR. SHE EXAMINES HER FACE CLOSELY, NOT HAPPY
ABOUT WHAT SHE SEES. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. SHE TURNS THE MUSIC
DOWN
I hope thats somebody coming to dress me!
THE DOOR OPENS AND PAUL APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY.
3

PAUL IS LYDIAS EX HUSBAND

PAUL
I was thinking the opposite.
LYDIA SHARPLY TURNS TO LOOK, SHOCKED TO SEE HIM THERE
Im just saying hello. Whatever you do, dont tell me to get out!
LYDIA
(STANDING) Get out!
PAUL
Lydia
LYDIA
I said Get out! - I made it very clear I dont want to see you again.
PAUL
Thats not very welcoming.
LYDIA
I mean it, Paul! You have no right to be here. For gods sake its just before a
performance! ..Just go, please. I have no desire to be in your company.
PAUL
Oh, be quiet. You can stop being an actress now - youre retiring.
LYDIA
You dont get to tell me what to - ..Paul, I mean it, please go.
PAUL
I certainly will not. This is my last chance to see you, and I will see you whether you
damn like it or not. I knew youd react like this. You never even consider being calm
and civil when theres an opportunity for wild dramatics. And whats more - Can I
turn this bloody music off? The woman sounds like shes giving birth.
LYDIA
That is the voice of one of our finest sopranos.
PAUL STOPS THE MUSIC PLAYER
You heathen.
4

PAUL
Well, Im not here to listen to her Im here to see you. And see you I damn will! Not
least because - I bought a ticket. Yes, paid for it. Out of my own hard earned cash.
And youre expensive!
LYDIA
Too bloody right I am. And worth every penny. Youre lucky you got in! So now you
can spend two hours staring at me on the stage and theres no need to see me now.
PAUL
Oh dont be ridiculous. After all weve been through together.
LYDIA
Dont remind me! Now why dont you hurry down to the foyer? I am sure there are
lots of other people down there you can annoy.
PAUL
Id much rather cause trouble in here.
LYDIA
Oh God, youre insufferable.
PAUL
Thats part of what makes me so attractive.
LYDIA
Not from where Im standing!
PAUL
I just wanted to see you. I had to see you. ...Did you get my flowers? I sent lovely
flowers. They must be in here somewhere.
LYDIA
Flowers? Where are they? (SHE LOOKS AROUND) Is it those? They look cheap.
PAUL GOES TO SELECT THE FLOWERS THAT HE BOUGHT AND PRESENTS
THEM TO HER
PAUL
These are for you, Lydia.

LYDIA
Oh, thank you. Just give me a second.
SHE LOCATES A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND PROCEEDS TO CUT THE HEADS ONE
BY ONE OFF OF THE FLOWERS
PAUL
What are you - ? If youre attempting to prune them, I think youre being a little over
zealous. Still I suppose its better than flushing them down the toilet.
LYDIA
Yes, that would be a waste.
PAUL
Shall we stop this childishness now?
LYDIA
No Im enjoying it.
LYDIA SNIPS OFF THE FINAL FLOWER
There done!
PAUL IS LEFT HOLDING A BUNCH OF STALKS
So thoughtful of you to go to such trouble.
PAUL
Dont you get bored with all this theatricality?
LYDIA
No, I dont. But I get very bored with you. So its not a feeling thats unfamiliar. How
did you even get backstage? Theyre very strict. There are always dozens of young
admirers trying to force their way up to my room, but they rarely get to see me. Unless
theyre hopelessly good looking or disgustingly wealthy. And you dont qualify.
PAUL
Your understudy passed me through. Shes at the stage door having a cigarette.
LYDIA
She should know better.

PAUL
She knows more than you think. I think shes rather clever.
LYDIA
Yes, she gets that from me.
PAUL
I mean, you accept a wage to be Lydia Martins understudy, knowing full well that
shell never take a show off. So basically, you get paid to stand at the stage door
smoking. Thats the kind of job Id like.
HE PICKS UP SOMETHING FROM THE DRESSING TABLE AND EXAMINES IT
LYDIA
Put that down. And make sure the door doesnt hit you in the back on your way out.
PAUL
Can I at least find a vase for these first?
PAUL QUICKLY FINDS A SMALL VASE, JAR OR CUP AND SHOVES THE STALKS
INTO IT. HE THEN PLACES THEM ON DISPLAY
This is what Henry the Eighth used to do to his wives. I do sometimes see where he
was coming from. Theres a certain resilience required when you marry a woman of
strong character. Its odd that nobody warns you about it. Though I did notice some
shaking heads and giggling as I walked down the aisle. I thought it was just nervous
excitement, whereas in fact they could already see the storm clouds gathering. Thats
the funny thing about love, isnt it. For the first few years the sun shines every day.
Then all hell breaks loose.
LYDIA
Dont speak about love its something you know nothing about. Now, do you mind
I need to get on with my make-up.
PAUL
Youre already wearing make-up.
LYDIA
Not enough. The lights on stage are harsh. Too bloody harsh.
SHE STARTS ADDING TO HER MAKE-UP

PAUL
Ill keep you company.
LYDIA
Paul for the last time
PAUL
Oh, dont threaten to kick me out again. Im staying here for the next ten minutes and
that is not negotiable. So get used to it.
LYDIA
Youre very rude and inconsiderate. You should never go to any place where youre not
welcome.
PAUL
But then Id never leave the house! (LOOKING AROUND) Theyre rather dull
places, these dressing rooms. All a bit square and drab. I was taken aback the first time
I saw one. I expected some huge suite with a writing desk, a luxurious chaise lounge, a
buffet and a swimming pool. Whereas in fact, what they provide you with is a large
cupboard. And yours looks even smaller now its loaded up with all these bouquets.
There really are an awful lot of flowers. When I walked in, I thought somebody had
just died.
LYDIA
Not yet, but its still early.
PAUL
Are they all from handsome ex lovers?
LYDIA
Yes, they are.
PAUL
(SLIGHTLY HORRIFIED) I was making a joke!
LYDIA
Ah. Well, none of that matters now. My fianc, Charles, has won the prize.
PAUL
Yes, but does he know there were so many in the race?!
8

PAUL WANDERS AROUND, LOOKING AT THE CARDS ON ALL THE FLOWERS

PAUL
Just look at all of these
LYDIA
Everybodys come out of the woodwork. There are flowers here from all kinds of
people from years ago. People Ive loved, hated, admired, and in many cases,
completely forgotten. Including our director, Terry Robertson. We hardly noticed him
in rehearsal but suddenly he turns up with this huge bunch of flowers. And he doesnt
like me at all, so Ive no idea what his motivation is. Perhaps hes trying to give me hay
fever? Did you ever meet him?
PAUL
I think I might have done. Isnt he a little odd?
LYDIA
Of course he is! All directors are odd. Theyre a very strange bunch. Really - they
should put them all on display in a museum. People would be fascinated. The strange
behavior, the hunger for power. The desire to strike fear into everybody, matched with
a desperate need to be your best friend. You could study them for years and never get
to the bottom of it. Of course, most of them turn to drink eventually. And those that
dont well, they really should. It can only help. Do you follow me?
PAUL
Not really. So I presume youve never slept with this one?
LYDIA
The director!? Certainly not! Actresses should never sleep with directors. Its
unprofessional. And in my experience, no help to your career at all.
PAUL
You dont need to worry about such things any more.
LYDIA
No. No, thats true. All those years of building something, and so suddenly youre
back to nothing. I dont like how it makes me feel. I shouldnt have announced it. It
was a mistake, I think. I should have gone quietly.
PAUL
No never. Make a splash. You always did that so well.
9

LYDIA
Thats almost nice of you. Paul..?
PAUL
Yes?
LYDIA
You have eight minutes left.
PAUL
Of course. I dont want to be a nuisance. What does this do?
HE FLICKS OFF THE LIGHT SWITCH. ALL GOES DARK. HE SWITCHES IT ON
AGAIN
Ah the light switch.
LYDIA LETS OUT AN EXASPERATED BREATH, WHICH MAKES PAUL SMILE. HE
CROSSES THE ROOM AND EXAMINES ONE OF HER COSTUMES
LYDIA
Dont touch anything. (CALLING OUT) Katherine!
SHE REALISES THERE IS NO KATHERINE THIS EVENING
.Oh, hell.
PAUL
Whats the matter?
LYDIA
Katherines not here. My dresser has taken the evening off.
PAUL
Tonight? Tonight!? Why?
LYDIA
I think I may have fired her.
PAUL
Ah. That would perhaps explain

10

LYDIA
But they take everything so literally. Surely she realized she was still expected to fulfill
her contract. I was firing her in advance.
PAUL
Well, thats your own fault, isnt it. I never really understood why you were always so
horrible to your dressers.
LYDIA
I am not!
PAUL
Yes, you are, and you bloody know it. The streets are littered with your ex-dressers.
You used to get through three a week. Throw a stone out the window and chances are
youll hit one of them.
LYDIA
They just dont have the right training. Theres more to it than laying out a few
costumes. But they dont seem to grasp that. Theyre supposed to be our moral
support, our rear guard, our confidant. Here to make you feel safe when insecurity is
attacking from all corners. Thats what we expect from them. Thats their job. So Im
not horrible, Im disappointed. And Im not difficult, Im demanding and those are
not the same thing, not at all.
PAUL
According to who?
LYDIA
According to me. And for the record I do not fire most of them. On the whole, they
just go out to buy some pins one evening and theyre never seen again. So either they
hide from me or theres a pin shop somewhere in this town that should definitely be
avoided. But I get over it. And most nights I wouldnt mind so much. But tonight Its very inconvenient. With it being the final performance. And I have the wig and
so many changes and
PAUL
Dont worry yourself about it. Im here, arent I? I can help out.
LYDIA
Oh can you?! Arent you worried that youll get fired too!

11

PAUL
Look, Im available, you need assistance, so why not?
LYDIA
Ill manage!
PAUL
Suit yourself. But the offer still stands. ..Can I have a cigarette?
LYDIA
No, absolutely not. I have to protect my throat. I havent been gargling honey and hot
lemon all day just so you can choke me with your tobacco fumes. Ones throat is the
most important thing in this profession. I try and explain that to the younger members
of the company, Your throat is your livelihood I say. But they dont pay attention.
Martin, who plays some of the minor roles, just told me, as I came in the building, that
he has a sore throat. If I survive the show at all, he says, by ten oclock Im sure Ill
have the flu. I said to him Martin, darling, its the last ever performance, you can
have cancer by ten oclock and nobody will care.
PAUL
How very generous of you to pass on your kind wisdom. I actually feel rather sorry for
the supporting players theyre are all just set decoration tonight. All eyes will be on
you. Your grand exit. Everybodys talking about it. Im very excited to be here.
LYDIA
And Im excited that within six minutes youll be gone. Im not being rude.
PAUL
As a matter of fact, you are.
LYDIA
I need to prepare myself mentally. And your presence upsets me. And besides, its
much more fun downstairs. Why dont you go to the foyer and embrace the
atmosphere?
PAUL
Youre joking! The foyer is full of actors. Its deafening! You can hear the anecdotes
from the other side of town.
LYDIA
I thought you enjoyed the repartee?
12

PAUL
Before the show its not so bad. The part I always hated was after the show when you
have to exchange pleasantries with the cast. Its agony. The fact is, that in life, there
are good things and bad things, success and failures. But you cant tell an actor it was a
bad show. You have to say all these wonderful things to all these dreadful old hams
regardless of what theatrical horror has just scarred your eyes. I now feel that if an actor
is bad everybody should just tell them so. It can only be helpful information.
Otherwise theyre all going to go around for the rest of their lives thinking theyre
wonderful when thats not the truth. And thats quite dangerous for all these theatre
productions. I mean, I dont want to get in a car with someone who thinks theyre a
good driver I want a good driver. Otherwise we could all end up skidding off the road
and being burned alive. If you see what I mean? Accidents should be avoided, not
encouraged. So let them know they stink at acting and then we can all get on with our
lives. Thats just my opinion, of course.
LYDIA
Thank you. And we all hope youll keep it to yourself.
LYDIA CONTINUES WITH HER MAKE-UP. PAUL LOOKS AT HER REFLECTION
IN THE MIRROR
You look beautiful.
LYDIA
Oh for Gods sake, Paul! I know that!
PAUL LAUGHS AT HER COMMENT AND THEN CROSSES TO THE SOFA
PAUL
Whoever this chap is taking you off to Switzerland I hope he realizes how beautiful
you are.
LYDIA
Well, hes not blind, if thats what you mean.
PAUL SITS ON THE SOFA
PAUL
Is he here tonight?
LYDIA
Thats no concern of yours. - Dont sit down! Youve not been invited to sit down!

13

PAUL
Lower your voice, Lydia, they can hear you in the balcony.
LYDIA
You need to go - Im expecting friends.
PAUL
What friends?
LYDIA
Important friends, nice friends. All my ex lovers.
PAUL
All of them!? Well have to move the furniture back.
LYDIA
(INTRIGUED) Jealousy, Paul? From you?
PAUL
No, no. Ive sent you out into the world now. I know you get hungry and you can dine
on whatever takes your fancy. We had our time together. And thats that. Its a
memory. A souvenir. Though I still cant quite manage to shake off the feeling that it
was enormous fun while it lasted.
LYDIA
Was it? Its so long ago, I cant say I remember.
PAUL
Ah but you do. And thats the problem.
LYDIA
There is no problem, believe me. Im very relieved not to be married to you.
PAUL
But at least I did marry you. Nobody else has managed that.
LYDIA
Not yet. But there are some lovely churches in Switzerland.

14

PAUL
Yes and you can ski all the way down the aisle. ..I still think our marriage should have
worked.
LYDIA
Oh, stop it thats a lie. It was chaos. The whole thing was absurd.
PAUL
Absurd, yes, but passionate. Oh God so much passion!
LYDIA
And that was why it was so chaotic. It was nothing but passion. It was exhausting!
Passion is all very exciting for a moment or two, but my God, you have to have a break
occasionally. I never got any shopping done..! Do you know what its like to be behind
on your sleep for seven years? ..But thats going to change now.
PAUL
Is he rich?
LYDIA
Who?
PAUL
Is he?
LYDIA
I dont have to answer any of your questions. Youre on my territory. All you need to
know is that hes very loving, caring and intelligent. And thats all that matters to me.
PAUL
So its not about his money?
LYDIA
No, not at all.
PAUL
But he does have loads of it?
LYDIA
Of course he does, Im not an idiot.
15

Im not about to run off to a foreign country with an unemployed farm hand. There are
certain comforts in life that we all need. I just like being more comfortable than most.
But dont you think for a second that his money is the thing that wins my heart. Its
only part of the attraction, not the route of it.
PAUL
Keep talking and you might finally convince yourself.
LYDIA
Youre the one who seems to need to be convinced. You really do need to leave now.
I have to change.
PAUL
Youll never change. And I hope this fianc Charles knows that.
NOTHING SAID FOR A MOMENT. PAUL BOUNCES ON THE SOFA A LITTLE,
TESTING ITS SPRINGS
LYDIA
(IN DISBELIEF) ..Are you quite finished?
PAUL
Just testing it out. Its actually a very comfy sofa. Can I have it? Or is it going to
Switzerland?
LYDIA
Im planning to leave it here in the dressing room. For whoever comes along and steps
into my shoes, takes over my room and mirror. It will be the sofa for the next rising star
the next great actress. So the bitch can be comfortable. (SHE SMILES WICKEDLY)
..Im not being unpleasant.
PAUL
(DRILY) No, no, not in the slightest..
LYDIA STOPS WHAT SHES DOING AND LOOKS AT PAUL
LYDIA
You know, I really am very surprised you came.
PAUL
Why? Its your special night, where else would I be?

16

LYDIA
You dont like being around these places. Seeing me in the spotlight. You never did
like that which is very strange. Most people see fame as a gift, not an irritation. But
you always had an unusual view of the world.
PAUL
Thank you. Ill take that as a compliment.
LYDIA
Please dont. ..Its going to be an evening of high emotion. I hope you realize what
youre letting yourself in for? The final show! Theres tension in the air. Tears,
laughter, drama, jealousy, rage, passion, hysteria! Who wouldnt be thrilled to be a part
of that?
PAUL SILENTLY RAISES HIS HAND. LYDIA IGNORES HIM
..And then the curtain will come down and everything will go extraordinarily quiet.
Thats the moment we all dread..
SHE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM
..All this needs to be cleared away by the end of the evening. When you go and please
start to accept that your departure is inevitable - you can take it all down to stage door.
You should manage it in a few trips. And I cant possibly carry anything.
PAUL
Why not? Too old?
LYDIA
No. Too arrogant. ..Could you do something with that coat?
SHE POINTS TO HER COAT ON THE SOFA
PAUL
And what should I do with it exactly?
LYDIA
You hang it up, Paul. Oh dear cant you at least just do one thing to help this evening.
Im in a terrible bind. Abandoned, just as we were approaching the finishing line.
PAUL
They all go eventually.

17

LYDIA
Yes, but this last one was in a real hurry.
PAUL HANGS UP THE COAT. LYDIA LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR
Oh, Holy Christ!
SHE CHECKS THE BAGS UNDER HER EYES, TIGHTENS HER SKIN
All these thousands of nights staring at this decaying face before every performance.
At least I wont have to do that again. Im having all the mirrors in the new house
painted over. Its not a pleasant thing, watching yourself age in such detail. Every new
crease and streak of grey. Because all these hundreds of people stare at you every night,
you become acutely aware of exactly what you look like each contour, each colour,
each fault line. You deeply study your own face and its not good for the soul,
knowing so closely what time does to you. We cover it up with such skill. But we
know its there. By God we do. And yet, on stage you feel different. Young, tall,
handsome. Maybe its the lights, but everyone in the company seems beautiful and
perfect. Its only when you return to these dreadful mirrors that the fantasy gets robbed
from you. I hate these mirrors and the frame of those terrifying lights. (EXCITED BY
A SUDDEN IDEA) ...I might smash this mirror tonight. Why not? Throw a chair at it!
Crash it to the floor in tiny, nasty pieces. Then theyll know I mean it.
SHE SLAMS HER HAND FLAT ONTO THE MIRROR OBSCURING THE
REFLECTION OF HER FACE
Gone! Wiped out.
PAUL
..Perhaps you need a drink?
LYDIA
Yes - brandy. Get me a brandy.
LYDIA POINTS TO WHERE THE BOTTLE OF BRANDY IS KEPT
Afterwards - hide it. Otherwise every character that comes in the door will want a glass.
And I may need the whole bloody bottle tonight.
PAUL POURS A GLASS OF BRANDY
And you might as well pour one for yourself.
PAUL
I already am. Im pouring yours next. ..Theyll all really miss you when youre gone.

18

LYDIA
Who?
HE POURS A SECOND GLASS OF BRANDY
PAUL
Your admirers, your audience.
LYDIA
Perhaps But only for a year or two. Then theyll find some other home for their
devotion. I dont mind any more. Keeping that candle burning is exhausting.
PAUL HANDS HER THE BRANDY AND THEY BOTH DRINK THEIR BRANDYS IN
ONE GULP
PAUL
Its good.
LYDIA
Charles bought it. Only the best.
PAUL
At his age, you might as well splash out. You cant take it with you.
LYDIA
Hes not as old as you think.
PAUL
Isnt he? So, how old is he exactly?
LYDIA
Does it matter? Its only a number. Theres no law says you have to act your age. Its
no more sensible than acting the number of your house. And Charles whatever his
number is has the sexual libido of a teenage boy.
PAUL
You mean no idea what hes doing, but lots of enthusiasm?
LYDIA
(IGNORING THIS) He is a wonderful man. Youll never spend enough time with him
to realize that. Hes someone I can lean on. And he shows me love.
19

A true love. Thats something I know for sure.

PAUL
Nothings for sure these days.
LYDIA
Stop being mean. You should be much nicer to me tonight. Im retiring.
PAUL
Until you get bored in Switzerland. - Can I smoke?
LYDIA
I will not be bored in Switzerland. Its beautiful, romantic, - clean. ..And no you cant.
I told you that before. Besides, I thought you gave up?
PAUL
We never give up our addictions.
LYDIA
I am.
PAUL
That remains to be seen doesnt it?
LYDIA
Not at all. Im in love. Charles will give me such a rich, full life. I wont look back.
Ill rest! Oh, my god. Its what I always dreamed of. What would you have me do?
Gradually crumble away on stage until they have to sweep me into a bucket in the
wings?
PAUL
Better than dying cold and full of chocolate.
LYDIA
What?
PAUL
Switzerland, Lydia. They have chocolate there. And snow. Didnt they tell you?
LYDIA
Youre being unpleasant.
20

PAUL
I thought I was being factual.
LYDIA
Will you please now go downstairs? Youll like it much better there. The foyer is full
of famous celebrities.
PAUL
If Im to be thrown to the celebrities, I shall need another drink.
LYDIA
You can have one more quick brandy and then your time is up.
PAUL FETCHES THE BRANDY BOTTLE
But just a drop. And another for me. Ill be relying on it this evening.
PAUL
You thinking of doing the show drunk?
LYDIA
Im thinking of not doing the show at all. So getting drunk might be the only solution.
PAUL POURS TWO MORE GLASSES OF BRANDY
PAUL
Perhaps one day, Ill visit you in Geneva.
LYDIA
Oh, I think were busy that week.
PAUL
Is it nice?
LYDIA
If you like snow and chocolate.
PAUL
I do. Though I suspect I wont like Charles so much.

21

LYDIA
And how could you possibly know that?
PAUL
Does it matter anyway? I dont have to like him. Hes your choice. Youre the one
jumping in to bed with him.
LYDIA
Why is it all about the bedroom with you? Youre missing the point. Theres more to
our relationship than sex.
PAUL
Oh, I certainly hope so. At his age, he can hardly get up the stairs.
LYDIA
Youre insufferable. The air in here is so thick with jealousy, I could cut it with a blade.
PAUL
Im not jealous. Really Im not. Now what time are you flying with him to Geneva
tomorrow?
LYDIA
At 11am.
PAUL
Are you sure? Maybe you should go at 10am I hear he might not last that long.
LYDIA
Now youre being nasty! Why are you being nasty? Honestly, I dont know where you
get it from.
PAUL HANDS HER ONE OF THE GLASSES OF BRANDY
PAUL
Yes, you bloody well do. Good luck!
HE DRINKS HIS BRANDY
LYDIA
Dont say that. Good luck is bad luck in the theatre you have been told that before.
22

PAUL
I forget. It doesnt matter. Its all just a load of
LYDIA
Shit, yes. And thats what you should wish me. Merde lots of shit. And do you
know why?
PAUL
I dont remember. Or I dont care one or the other.
LYDIA
The opera houses in Paris. The horse drawn carriages bringing the rich people to the
theatre. The more carriages, the more horses, the more people in the audience, and
therefore the more shit on the road at the end of the evening. So thats why you wish
the actors lots of shit.
PAUL
And Im sure tonight the stench will carry for miles.
LYDIA
Thank you, Paul, thats the first nice thing youve said to me all evening.
LYDIA NOW DRINKS HER BRANDY. PAUL LOOKS CLOSELY AT HER
PAUL
Are you okay? You look a little, erm pale.
LYDIA
Its these lights.
PAUL
Is it?
LYDIA
Im a little fragile. I genuinely wish Id slipped away when nobody was looking.
PAUL
Oh, come on, Lydia. And miss one more moment in the spotlight?
LYDIA
Yes, but now it might turn around and bite me.
23

PAUL
Dont be silly. The lights ado9re you. And without you, theyll never shine so brightly.
That was rather poetic, wasnt it.
LYDIA
Was it?
PAUL
Itll look very good on your gravestone.
LYDIA
(DRYLY) Oh, thank you, Ill make a note..!
PAUL PICKS UP SOME ITEMS FROM THE DRESSING TABLE
PAUL
Should I steal something? Your lipstick, the powder puff compact?
LYDIA
Why on earth would you - ?
PAUL
They might be worth something in twenty years. By which point none of us will be
worth anything.
HE EXAMINES A FEW MORE OBJECTS ON THE DRESSING TABLE
This is nice..
LYDIA
Paul have you ever heard the phrase exit graciously..?
PAUL
Its not over-familiar.
LYDIA
No, clearly. I am, in a very strange way, pleased to have seen you. Dont ask me why,
because youre the last person on earth I would have invited. But weve had this time
together and you should endeavor to take your leave at the right moment. This is your
moment. So be gracious and make your exit. Please dont make me chase you out the
door with a broom.

24

PAUL
Are you saying you want me to go?
LYDIA
Of course I am!
PAUL
Look, if you insist Ill go right now. This very second. If thats what you really
want?
LYDIA
It is. I do insist.
PAUL
Very well. Let it not be said that I cant take a hint. Albeit a subtle one. And so ..Goodbye, Lydia. It has been a true delight seeing you, despite your bad temper. Or
perhaps because of it. I rather missed it. But anyway I wish you a great success this
evening. And I hope that one day, before too much time has passed, that we will see
each other again.
PAUL KISSES HER HAND GRACIOUSLY
LYDIA
Goodbye, Paul.
PAUL NODS AND SMILES. HE EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. A
MOMENT. LYDIA RECOVERS HER WITS AND MAKES A FINAL CHECK OF HER
MAKE-UP. THE PHONE STARTS RINGING. SHE IS GETTING UP TO ANSWER IT
WHEN PAUL SUDDENLY APPEARS THROUGH THE DOOR
PAUL
The phones ringing.
LYDIA
Yes, Im aware of that.
PAUL
Dont worry, Ill get it.
PAUL RE-ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE PHONE

25

LYDIA
No! What about the gracious exit?
PAUL ANSWERS THE PHONE
PAUL
Theatricality Unlimited, how can I help you?
LYDIA
Paul! Get off the phone!
PAUL
(INTO THE PHONE) Hold the line, please, Im trying to connect you.
HE NOW COVERS THE MOUTHPIECE WITH HIS HAND AS HE TALKS TO LYDIA
Im helping out. You need someone to do that - have you forgotten? Its really silly for
me to go, especially given that you had your dresser ex-communicated. (BACK ON
THE PHONE) Yes?
LYDIA
Hang up! Hang it up!
PAUL
Could you keep your voice down? Im talking to somebody. (BACK ON THE
PHONE) What was that? (TO LYDIA) ...Something about a wig?
LYDIA
Yes my wig for the show. Has it been dressed? Is it ready?
PAUL
(INTO THE PHONE) Her ladyship is asking if her wig is dressed and ready? (TO
LYDIA) It is.
HE HANGS UP THE PHONE
Shall I fetch it for you?
LYDIA
No, absolutely not. Itll just give you another excuse to stay, and Im not having it.
PAUL
And nor should you.
26

LYDIA
Wheres the bloody broom?
PAUL
Dont swear, its unbecoming. - So where is it?
LYDIA
The broom?
PAAUL
The wig. Just let me get the bloody wig. Its the least I can do for you on this difficult
night.
LYDIA
I can get it myself!
PAUL
But you wont, will you. Lydia Martin doesnt ever collect her own wig surely?
LYDIA
The last room at the end of the corridor.
PAUL HEADS FOR THE DOOR
But dont talk to anybody. And dont be rude to the wig woman. Shes been working
with me for months. Treat her with respect.
PAUL
Whats her name?
LYDIA
Ive no idea.
PAUL EXITS. LYDIA SHAKES HER HEAD IN DESPAIR, BUT SOMEHOW CANT
RESIST A LITTLE SMILE. SHE TAKES UP HER PERFUME BOTTLE AND SPRAYS
LAVENDER PERFUME AROUND THE ROOM . SHE THEN PICKS UP THE PHONE
AND DIALS THE STAGE MANAGER
Andrew? I dont want the curtain to go up on time tonight. Well make them wait,
build up a bit of expectation. I want to walk on stage just at the point when theyre
wondering if Ill turn up at all. I would say a good fifteen minutes. Itll take you all
that time to drag the producers out of the bar anyway. Now, to other matters - how is
Martins voice? .Well, give him some hot cognac or something.
27

I dont want him out there croaking and rasping. The audience will think hes been
possessed by the devil. And thats going to take The Cherry Orchard into a whole new
area.I leave it all in your own handsAnd we delay 15 minutes yes?...No, you
dont have to think about it leave the thinking to me!
ANNOYED, SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE. PAUL APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY
WITH LYDIAS WIG MOUNTED ON A MANNEQUIN WIG STAND
PAUL
Too late to change your mind now. Ive brought your head in. (HE SMELLS THE AIR)
..Whats that?
LYDIA
Lavender oil.
PAUL
Why on earth would you -?
LYDIA
(TENSE) Its to make me relax!
PAUL
If I was you, Id ask for my money back.
LYDIA
Put it here on the table.
PAUL
What?
LYDIA
My head, my head!
HE PUTS THE WIG STAND ON THE DRESSING TABLE
I feel like my hearts going to stop.
PAUL
Please dont let it. A thousand people have paid out for severely over-priced tickets and
many of us really cant afford it.

28

LYDIA
I dont see how thats my fault? If I want to have a heart attack, I shall have one!
PAUL
Yes thats the spirit!
LYDIA
Where are you sitting?
PAUL
Im not sitting, Im standing.
LYDIA
In the theatre you know perfectly well PAUL
Downstairs bang in the middle.
LYDIA
You must have booked early.
PAUL
I was first in the queue.
LYDIA
Why? Thats both flattering and confusing. Either way - I shall throw you a casual
glance during my big speech. You make sure you catch it.
PAUL
Ill catch it alright. I wont take my eyes off you.
LYDIA
Careful, Paul. You almost said something romantic.
PAUL
Yes, I shall have to watch that. But it really is very hard not to look at you.
LYDIA
Dont be absurd.

29

PAUL
Then stop looking like that.
LYDIA
Oh dear. You really havent lost your charm, have you?
PAUL
Not a bit.
LYDIA
We should find a surgeon and have it removed.
PAUL
But youd miss it. Wouldnt you?
THEY JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT
LYDIA
Its difficult leaving the stage, isnt it.
PAUL
Im not as practiced as you are.
LYDIA
Yes, I should be much better at it myself. But if Im honest, my own exit tomorrow is
un-nerving me. Its a little faster than Id like. Everything is already packed up at
home. So after the show, its just a few hours rest before the morning flight. So no
messing around, no need to dwell on everything.
PAUL
A quick, clean getaway.
LYDIA
Yes. But Im not quite sure what all the rush is. I mean, Charles does almost
everything slowly he reads slowly, he eats slowly.
PAUL
He breaths slowly..
LYDIA
He takes his time in life thats what Im saying. But this its all terribly fast.
30

I mean, we have so much time. From tomorrow well have nothing but time..
PAUL
Perhaps he doesnt want to give you chance to change your mind..?
LYDIA
I love him. Nothings going to change my mind about that. And hes my opportunity to
escape. To put the madness of the theatre completely behind me. To not be the
actress any more.
PAUL
But thats the thing. You are - and always will be. You can run away from the theatre,
but itll smell your tracks and hunt you down.
LYDIA
Thats where youre wrong. Im finished. Finished with all of it. I want a a simple
life.
PAUL
Boring! Dull!
LYDIA
Oh, Paul - youve not been here these past ten years. You only remember it as it was.
And yes, it was wonderful - sometimes, but.. Well, theres no point in trying to explain.
Youd never understand.
PAUL
Wouldnt I? It seems to me that I see things a lot clearer than you do right now. And I
listen to what you say and I try to accept it. But the thought that keeps crashing through
my head is, What the hell are you doing?! I mean, for Gods sake Lydia Martin
moving to Switzerland?! Its absurd - your heartbeat is here.
LYDIA
Its different now. Something has to - There has to be a new direction.
PAUL
What kind of direction is that? Diving under the sheets with some rich old fart from
Zurich.
LYDIA
Geneva! Hes an old fart from Geneva! No, not a Well, you just made me say that.
31

You know what I meant to say. But rich yes, he is. He has more money than I could
make in a hundred years circling the stage.
PAUL
But youd happily spend that hundred years. Maybe you will enjoy it for a while. But
come back! Youre crazy if you dont come back. This is your entire world!
LYDIA
(STRONG) But that world is pushing me away! (A SHORT PAUSE) I love it you
know how much I - Yes, when you have it in your grasp, its still wonderful. But
the waiting.! ..The waiting kills me..
LYDIA SITS
PAUL
Alright, I admit it. I dont understand.
LYDIA
Of course you dont. Youre on the outside looking in. You dont see the whole
scenario.
PAUL
So, tell me.
LYDIA
What you dont realize is - they dont write the parts for us. For us women. Once
we reach a certain age. ..There are just a handful of roles and you have to wait
endlessly for the call. While these younger actresses rush from one stage to the next,
the older actress just has to wait. I use to run like they did. Run from rehearsal to show,
from interview to concert. Running, rushing, out of breath. And it was exhilarating.
And then winter comes and you find yourself lost, impatient Wondering if
youre perhaps now forgotten. Fearing that theyll never remember you again. ..And
eventually you get a role, they always find you something if youre any kind of star.
But that star is fading now because you had to wait for it. And I wait. I sit at home and
watch the rain come down and I wait. Wait for so long that the interval nearly kills me.
And so however grand the work is when it finally comes, its not enough. It doesnt
wipe the fear away.
PAUL
And living by a lake, staring at the view you think that will be enough?

32

LYDIA
At least it fulfills its expectations. ..And I think it will be beautiful.
SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR
LYDIA
Dont you think I look tired?
PAUL
The tireless Lydia. Finally beaten.
LYDIA
Not beaten. Just retreating. Ive worn the crown for a very long time. And Ive woken
up too many mornings wondering if its been snatched away from me. The trick is to
bolt out the door before they get the chance.
PAUL
Is that what youre doing?
LYDIA NOW TURNS AWAY FROM THE MIRROR TO LOOK AT PAUL
LYDIA
Perhaps. ..Or maybe its nothing to do with that. Maybe I just fell in love? I have no
idea. Us poor actors rarely know how we really feel. Or for most of the time - who
we really are. If we did thered be no need to pretend to be somebody else every
night, would there? Ive thought about this for many years. Its all about timing. I
dont want to be one of those old actresses who only gets to deliver speeches at funerals.
There are too many of us. I want to leave at the top. Or at a point from where I can still
see the view... - Do you have a cigarette?
PAUL
I do, of course.
HE TAKES A PACK OF CIGARETTES FROM HIS POCKET AND REMOVES ONE
LYDIA
Light it and blow it at me.
PAUL
Im sorry, what did you - ? Im confused.

33

LYDIA
Paul, you know perfectly well I dont smoke. And Ive no intention of starting again it took me years to give up. But if you could just
PAUL
(TAKING OUT A BOX OF MATCHES, BUT STILL CONFUSED) You want me to - ?
LYDIA
Light the cigarette and blow the smoke in my face. I would have thought it was
obvious!
PAUL
(CHUCKLING) Alright wait a second PAUL LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND, AS INSTRUCTED, BLOWS THE SMOKE INTO
LYDIAS FACE. LYDIA BREATHES IN THE SMOKE DEEPLY. THE ROUTINE IS
REPEATED BEFORE PAUL LOSES PATIENCE
..Oh this is ridiculous. For Christs sake, woman, just have a bloody cigarette.
LYDIA
I gave up smoking, Paul. And Im not giving in to it. Thats your problem you men
have no will power. (TO PAUL) So - blow harder.
PAUL RELUCTANTLY BLOWS MORE SMOKE INTO LYDIAS FACE. THE
ROUTINE IS NOW NOTICEABLY MORE SENSUAL
What brand are they?
BARRY
Winston.
LYDIA
Ah, Winston, yes
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
PAUL
Dont move. Ill get it.
PAUL OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS OUT

34

PAUL
(TO WHOEVER IS BEYOND THE DOOR) Yes? Oh, rightIll, erm
HE CLOSES THE DOOR
A strange man was out there, silently pointing at a stopwatch.
LYDIA
What man?
PAUL
A silent man. With a stop-watch. I think the inference was that youre going to be late.
LYDIA
That was Andrew, the stage manager. Its his job to make sure we go up on time. And
my job to make sure we dont.
PAUL
Well anyway.. Shall I continue?
LYDIA
Yes, yes.
HE BLOWS MORE SMOKE AND THEN PAUSES
LYDIA
Dont stop., Just once more.
PAUL
No, I think youve had quite enough. Youre disappearing into a fog. And I have it on
good authority that its bad for your voice.
LYDIA
It doesnt really matter anymore. Are you staying?
PAUL
Staying? No, I thought I was leaving?
LYDIA
Well, the sad truth is that I need someone to help me dress and put on my wig.
Theres clearly no sign of a replacement. So that means well, ..Im all alone tonight.
35

PAUL
Youre never alone. Id be very pleased to stay.
LYDIA
I have a strong feeling that was always your intention. Did somebody tell you my
dresser was fired?
PAUL
I think it might have been mentioned - Where do I begin? Wheres the dress?
LYDIA
Put some music on first. Then dim the lights. Its my pre-show ritual. I have to do it
the same way before every performance. You mustnt ever change anything. Its bad
luck. Not that Im superstitious.
PAUL DOES AS INSTRUCTED, PUTTING SOME OPERATIC MUSIC ON TO PLAY
PAUL
Of course not. Youre not superstitious, youre not angry, you dont smoke
WE HEAR THE OPERATIC ARIA AGAIN. PAUL DIMS THE LIGHTS, THEN GOES
TO FETCH THE COSTUME DRESS. LYDIA TAKES THE CIGARETTE OUT OF HIS
HAND AS HE PASSES HER. WHEN HE IS NOT LOOKING, SHE SECRETLY TAKES
A DEEP DRAG ON IT AND THEN STUBS IT OUT. LYDIA REMOVES HER OUTER
GARMENTS AND THEN, FOLLOWING HER SILENT INSTRUCTIONS, HE HELPS
HER TO DRESS IN THE COSTUME. IT IS DONE CALMLY, IN AN ALMOST
CEREMONIAL WAY. THIS DONE, LYDIA SITS AND PLACES A HAIR STOCKING
OVER HER HEAD. SHE THEN GETS PAUL TO PASS HER THE WIG AND
TOGETHER THEY PUT IT CAREFULLY INTO PLACE. AS SHE ADJUSTS THE
WIG, THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.

SCENE TWO

WITH THE MUSIC CARRYING US THROUGH THE CHANGE, THE SCENE NOW
OPENS OUT. A NEW STAGE AREA IS REVEALED TO THE SIDE OF THE
DRESSING ROOM SET. WE WATCH A SHORT SCENE FREELY ADAPTED FROM
ACT TWO OF CHEKHOVS THE CHERRY ORCHARD TAKING PLACE ON THE
THEATRE STAGE DURING THIS FINAL PERFORMANCE. THERE IS A SYMBOLIC
STAGE SETTING FOR THE PLAY - PERHAPS A RED VELVET CURTAIN
SWOOPING DECORATIVELY ACROSS HALF OF THE STAGE AND A FALLEN
36

CHERRY TREE. LYDIA TAKES THE ROLE OF LUBOV RANEVSKAYA. SHE

TALKS TO OTHER IMAGINARY CHARACTERS ON THE STAGE.
LOBOV
You keep saying you have never met such frivolous people like us before, people who
are so un-professional in business. But is it peculiar to not want to leave our estate, our
home, our beloved Orchard? I try and convey our feelings of desperation to you, but
you stare at me blankly as though nothing Ive said has registered at all. You talk only
of imminent disaster. What on earth do you expect me to say? Tell us, what on earth are
we supposed to do? They will lease the land to these terrible common people who rent
villas - it's so vulgar. Thats what it is vulgar! I know you think that is ignorant. The
ranting of a silly old woman. But you cannot do this. You cannot abandon me to this
fate! There has to be some other way?
AS THOUGH THE OTHER CHARACTER IS LEAVING
No! Dont leave! Please stay a while. The truth is that it's nicer when you're here.
Even though we disagree. Dont leave me on my own. Im terribly frightened. I feel as
if the house will at any moment collapse on top of us, crush us all. Have we been too
sinful? Is this our punishment? Oh, the sins of my life. ..I've always thrown money
around without discipline, without thought, like a woman truly mad and with no thought
of consequences. I took as my husband a man who came to my arms laden with debts.
He died of love. A love for champagne and excess. He drank terribly. My heart
couldnt take it. I needed affection, the love that we dream about. So I went looking for
it - I ran off with another man. Did you know that about me? Such a terrible secret.
Such an unforgiveable sin. And just as it happened I was punished for it, punished
with the force of a hammer blow to my head. Here, in this dark rivermy son was
drowned. I ran away, as far as I could, running, weeping, never to return here, never to
see this river again. ..I closed my eyes and ran aimlessly, wildly. For three years I kept
away, knowing no peace either by day or night. It dried up my very soul. And I took
poison. What else could I do? But an act so shameful.. I dont know how I survived,
why I survived. But when I recovered, my thoughts were only of returning here. To the
Orchard. To my land And now you will take that away from me? Oh, my sorry
life
SHE WIPES HER TEARS FROM HER EYES. SOME KLEZMER MUSIC CAN BE
HEARD IN THE DISTANCE, PLAYED BY A SMALL JEWISH BAND WITH VIOLINS,
ETC
Do I hear music? (SHE LISTENS) ..Its the Jewish band, isnt it? They still play
together? Oh how wonderful it would be if they came here one evening to play for us.
To calm my soul and entertain us for a moment. Oh, how we need the escape.
...Lopakhin says he saw a terribly funny comedy last night at the theatre.
37

But I wonder if we should go and watch these plays? They are too distracting. I
think, perhaps, our time would be better spent taking a good look at ourselves. At the
cold grayness of our lives
THE LIGHTS NOW DIM ON THE STAGE SCENE AND THE KLEZMER MUSIC
COSS FADES WITH THE SOUND OF AN AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
RAPTUROUSLY.

SCENE THREE

THE THEATRE STAGE AREA IS IN BLACKOUT AND LIGHTS RISE AGAIN ON THE
DRESSING ROOM. IT IS THE INTERVAL. PAUL IS WAITING FOR LYDIA AND
DRINKING HER BRANDY. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE CAN NOW BE HEARD
THROUGH THE TANNOY IN THE ROOM. PAUL HEARS THE APPLAUSE
COMING TO AN END AND SPRAYS SOME OF THE LAVENDER PERFUME
AROUND THE ROOM. MOMENTARILY, LYDIA ENTERS, ELATED. SHE LEAVES
THE DOOR OPEN
LYDIA
Thunderous! Did you hear it?
PAUL
I couldnt help but hear it, the walls were shaking.
LYDIA
Ive never heard applause like it. Theyre taking the roof off! Oh god Im shaking.
Give me the towel.
PAUL GIVES LYDIA A SMALL HAND TOWEL TO WIPE HER BROW
Has there ever been a night like this? Wonderful. Wonderful! I dont want to go
back for the second half. I want to bottle tonight right now just as it is. All that can
happen is for us to mess it up. They all stood up! It was only the end of the Act. Ive
never seen that before. Its a night for the history books. ..Have you made some tea,
like I asked you?
PAUL
I did, actually! I hope youre impressed?
PAUL BRINGS OVER A CUP OF HERBAL TEA

38

PAUL
Its still a little hot.
LYDIA
Well, well. Such a night. (LOOKING IN THE MIRROR) I look ten years younger all
of a sudden. (SHE DRINKS SOME TEA) Oh it is a little hot. Blow on it.
PAUL
I realize you are accustomed to a certain standard of service but my blowing days are
over. But if we add a little cold water, Im sure thatll do the trick.
HE ADDS SOME COLD WATER TO THE TEA
LYDIA
Why dont you come down and watch the last few minutes of the final Act?
PAUL
Ive seen it. I know how it ends. They sell the cherry orchard. Finally. After three
hours.
LYDIA
But its my last performance!
PAUL
And its you Im interested in, Lydia. Not the performance.
LYDIA LOOKS BEMUSED
LYDIA
That makes no sense. Im just trying to share the joy of the occasion with you.
PAUL
Id much rather be here.
LYDIA
And you will be here. But you should come down and watch the final few minutes.
Youd be a fool not to.
PAUL
Why?
39

LYDIA
Because its important!
PAUL
Oh come on, its not so important. Its only a bloody play!
LYDIA QUICKLY SHUTS THE DOOR AS THOUGH HE HAS SAID SOMETHING
TERRIBLE
LYDIA
Keep your voice down. The actors will tear your throat out if they hear you say things
like that.
PAUL LAUGHS
Im serious. Oh, we know our work is not important in comparison with what happens
in the real world. But most of the time we forget that fact. And it feels so deadly
important that its like our very existence will come to an end if we dont get the play
right. We really feel it. Not just me everybody out there in those corridors. And you
can laugh about that as much as you like. But you walk in our shoes for one day and
then youd understand. You must never underestimate how much it means to these
people. So watch what you say.
PAUL
Dont worry Im not saying another word. ..Do you need me for the next Act? I
thought while you were on stage, I might go for a walk. Have a cigarette all to myself.
LYDIA
A walk!? What if something happens? A torn dress, a broken ankle, a dislodged wig!?
You need to be in the building and on permanent standby - like the fire brigade. Thats
why I suggested you come and watch the last few minutes. The rest of the time, Paul,
you cannot leave this room.
PAUL
One minute youre throwing me out, the next youre locking me in.
LYDIA
Do you want the job or not?
PAUL
Yes, maam.

40

LYDIA
And you should keep a few flattering compliments ready sometimes I need them
between scenes. And you must make sure I nap for a few minutes. It helps me focus.
And you must give me a drink.
PAUL PASSES HER THE TEA AGAIN
..No, not the bloody tea! The other one!
LYDIA GRABS FOR HERSELF THE BRANDY AND A GLASS. SHE POURS
HERSELF A LARGE BRANDY AND DRINKS IT IN ONE GULP
PAUL
You need to calm down perhaps?
LYDIA
Yes, well, thats why I take a quick nap. A little rest. So that I dont explode.
SHE THROWS HERSELF ON THE SOFA
..Lights!
PAUL
Now I see why the dressers leave. In fact, Im surprised they dont just throw
themselves out the window.
LYDIA
I thought you were here to help?!
PAUL
I thought I was too, but now I think youre beyond help.
LYDIA
You had plenty of chances to leave.
PAUL
Thats true. And Im going to take one of those right now. Goodbye, Lydia.
LYDIA
Well that suits me fine! Goodbye, Paul!
41

HE DOESNT MOVE
LYDIA
So now weve got that over with could you please dim the lights?
PAUL DIMS THE LIGHTS AND SPRAYS MORE PERFUME
PAUL
Lets see if it works this time..!
LYDIA
Ah yes thats nice. Breathe. I must breathe. Calm and steady (SHE PATS THE
SIDE OF THE SOFA) Come and sit by me.
PAUL
Who me?
LYDIA
Yes. I want you close.
PAUL, PLEASANTLY SURPRISED BY THE REQUEST, NOW SPRAYS THE
PERFUME ONCE INTO HIS MOUTH AS A BREATH FRESHENER
PAUL
What exactly do you have in mind?
LYDIA
To relax myself I thought I mightplay with your hair..?
PAUL
With my - ? ..Should I be terrified?
LYDIA
Oh, yes. I like to terrify people. Thats how you know youre a star.
PAUL
And thats why the next star is happy to push you under a bus.

42

LYDIA
Well, its up to you. It was only a suggestion.
PAUL DULY SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE SOFA, CLOSE TO LYDIA. SHE
AFFECTIONATELY PLAYS WITH HIS HAIR
LYDIA
(AFTER A MOMENT) Oh yes thats nice I used to love doing this when we first
met. Youd lay in my lap on a riverbank. Wed eat strawberries. And as we listened to
the ripples of the river, Id gently play with your hair.
PAUL
Yes, though my hair is thinner now. So dont play with it too hard, or youll pull it out.
LYDIA
I still dream of that riverbank. Of what we once were. Paul
PAUL
(HOPEFUL) Yes, my darling?
LYDIA
You should probably wash your hair more often. Its a little greasy.
PAUL
Oh for goodness sake! So much for the bloody riverbank.
LYDIA
It was only a passing comment.
PAUL
Yes wellI shall wash it next weekend.
LYDIA
But thats ages away. Youll be able to fry bacon on it by then.
PAUL
Lydia! Honestly! Ive never been so insulted!

43

LYDIA
Oh, of course you have! And these are just the things people say to your face! If you
heard the rest of it, youd faint.
PAUL
Excuse me, but I thought you were trying to relax?
LYDIA
Yes, yes youre absolutely right I got distracted
A DEEP BREATH. SHE CONTINUES PLAYING WITH HIS HAIR
Will you come and visit me in Switzerland?
PAUL
Am I invited?
LYDIA
If Charles doesnt mind. Its very lovely there. Tall trees and rolling hillsides. And
the snow. So much snow. Its all white, gleaming. Not muddy and slushy like we get
here. The snow there is pure. Pure and perfect. Why cant life be like that?
PAUL
Your life is marvelous. Didnt you hear that applause?
LYDIA
I think I would have given it all up for a normal life. Sunday lunch, Christmas day,
long walks. ..Endless pointless conversations by the fire. Baking cakesraising a
family Sometimes Im sorry I didnt have all that. I think I might have quite liked to
have children. People who have them never seem to regret it. Even though their
children treat them appallingly, they wouldnt give them up for the world. Though you
have to sacrifice so much, dont you. And in this profession, we give up so much
already, I doubt theres anything left. I dont know how actresses raise families at all.
Geraldine Cook had twins while she played Medea. On stage, she was slaying her
children, and backstage she was breast-feeding them..! Its a choice you make. Do I
create new life? Or do I go on tour as Lady Bracknell..?
PAUL
And you were a spectacular Lady Bracknell. I saw you do it again a few years ago.

44

LYDIA
You did?
PAUL
Yes, I came in secret to see it with with, erm
HE STOPS HIMSELF. LYDIA STOPS PLAYING WITH HIS HAIR
LYDIA
With who?
PAUL
A friend.
LYDIA
A friend? What was her name?
PAUL
Brian. - No, alright, it was a girlfriend. But it doesnt matter, that ended after a few
short months.
LYDIA
Im pleased to hear that.
PAUL
Oh thank you.
LYDIA
Did you like her?
PAUL
Yes, actually I did. Unfortunately. She was a secretary back then, but strangely, Ive
heard she works in the theatre now.
LYDIA
Really? Write down her full name. Ill have her killed.

45

PAUL
Lets not be too dramatic. Though, to be honest, I was never quite sure why she left me.
I often used to wonder what I could have done to make her stay?
LYDIA
You could have tried washing your hair for starters.
PAUL
Yes, perhaps that was it - You know, I really do need a cigarette.
LYDIA
Alright, go ahead. But dont hold the cigarette too close to your head, youll start a fire.
PAUL SMIRKS AT THIS AND GETS UP
You can bring the lights back up.
PAUL DOES SO, AND TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE. LYDIA SITS UP
PAUL
Im not blowing it at you, so dont ask. (LOOKING AT THE WIG ON HER HEAD)
Actually Look at me for a second.
HE PUTS DOWN THE CIGARETTE. LYDIA TURNS HER HEAD TO PAUL AND
WITH BOTH HANDS HE STRAIGHTENS HER WIG
Thats better.
THEY LOOK INTO EACH OTHERS EYES
PAUL
Lydia
LYDIA
Yes?
PAUL
Would it be in any way, erm - By which I mean - Could I kiss you?
LYDIA
Kiss me? No. No, I dont think so. I know where your lips have been Im not
going near them.
46

PAUL
Not even for old times sake? I mean, if this really is goodbye - ? If youre to
abandon me forever for this Charles
LYDIA
Its not this Charles, its just Charles.
PAUL
Its the least I deserve. One quick kiss. Isnt it?
LYDIA
Its far more than you deserve. (A PAUSE) But if I do just for old times sake then will you promise never to ask me again?
PAUL
Absolutely. Promise.
LYDIA OFFERS HERSELF TO BE KISSED. PAUL LEANS IN TO KISS HER. AT
THE LAST MOMENT, SHE TURNS HER HEAD, SO THAT HIS KISS LANDS ON HER
CHEEK
PAUL
Either you just turned your head, or my aims getting very bad.
LYDIA
I dont suppose these days you have much chance for target practice?
PAUL GRABS HER WITH BOTH HANDS AND FORCES A KISS ONTO HER LIPS.
AFFRONTED, LYDIA PUSHES HIM OFF
Paul! How dare you! Forcing yourself on me. (SHE STANDS) I shall call the police!
PAUL
Ah, yes, the Sex Police. But theyre never around when you need them.
HE TRIES AGAIN, BUT SHE HOLDS HIM AWAY
LYDIA
Youre a disgrace!
PAUL
Yes, I know.
47

LYDIA PULLS AWAY FROM HIM. PAUL LAUGHS

LYDIA
Im glad you find it all so amusing. Our relationship was always a joke to you.
PAUL
Not true. But it did always put a smile on my face. We had happy daysdidnt we?
LYDIA
All of a sudden, I dont remember!
PAUL
Well, I do. And by God we did. And I bet you still think about us every single day.
LYDIA
No, I dont! Youre so arrogant. Ive had all kinds of remarkable lovers and, believe
me, you never popped into my head.
PAUL
Oh, I think thats highly unlikely.
HE GRABS HER AGAIN AND KISSES HER AGAIN. SHE PULLS AWAY IN FURY
AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE
LYDIA
Get off me!
PAUL
Would you mind also slapping the other side, I dont want to leave here with my face
lob-sided.
SHE DULY SLAPS HIS OTHER CHEEK
..Thank you. Thats much better.
HE KISSES HER AGAIN. SHE PUSHES HIM OFF AGAIN
LYDIA
I have a performance to do!
PAUL
So do I!
48

THEY NOW GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS PASSIONATELY AND WITH
ABANDON. THEY STAGGER ACROSS THE ROOM AS THEY RAVAGE EACH
OTHER. PAUL MANAGES TO FORCE OUT A FEW WORDS
PAUL
Those slaps really hurt by the way. I may have lost a tooth.
UNFOOTED BY THE VARIOUS BOUQUETS SCATTERED AROUND, THEY
TUMBLE TOGETHER ON TO THE FLOOR AND ON TOP OF ALL THE FLOWERS.
VARIOUS NOISES AND YELPS ORCHESTRATE THE PHYSICAL ACTION IN
AMONGST THE BLOOMS. DURING THIS, THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
WHICH THEY IGNORE. AND THEN ANOTHER KNOCK, ALSO IGNORED
LYDIA
NoNo! This is not the time I have a this is ridiculous!
PAUL
I like ridiculous. Viva ridiculous!
LYDIA
No stop. Stop!
SHE GETS UP FROM THE FLOOR, WEAK KNEED AND WITH FLOWER PETALS
IN HER HAIR
Youve ruined my lovely flowers! I cant - This is why the marriage never worked.
You have no boundaries.
PAUL SITS UP. HIS SHIRT OPEN, HAIR RUFFLED
PAUL
Oh to hell with boundaries.
LYDIA
I cant do this I have a show to do! - I mean - I have a fianc! (STANDING) I have a
fianc and a show to do.
PAUL
And I still love you!
LYDIA
You dont! Stop! You love the actress, Paul. Thats all. Its all it ever was. And Im
not the actress any more.
49

SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF AGAIN IN THE MIRROR

Oh god, my hair. I look like Ive fallen off a cliff and landed in a hedge!
PAUL
Believe me - youve never looked better.
ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR
LYDIA
Go away!
PAUL
Delay your trip. One week.
LYDIA
No!
PAUL
Come on 24 hours well have a candle-lit dinner.
LYDIA
Paul we have to just say Goodbye.
PAUL
No I wont. I refuse.
LYDIA
Its not up to you!
ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR
Theyre waiting for me. Oh hell! When I asked for your help, this was not the kind I
needed!
PAUL
If you ask me, this was exactly what you needed.
LYDIA
Theres a time and a place. And what would Charles say?

50

PAUL
Nothing, hes probably asleep.
LYDIA
He doesnt sleep in the evenings! And you need to go. I can manage by myself the rest
of the show. I dont need you for anything!
PAUL
Fine! Understood. Im straight out of that door.
LYDIA
Good!
NOBODY MOVES
..Now pass me my fur coat.
PAUL
Absolutely.
SHE POINTS PAUL TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM WHERE THERE HANGS A
LARGE FUR COAT, ADDITIONAL COSTUME FOR THE NEXT ACT OF THE SHOW.
PAUL HELPS HER PUT THE COAT ON.
LYDIA
I shall never forgive you for this! You come in here and turn the whole night into a
circus. Somehow, I have to now try and piece my head together so that I can go out
there again! This profession takes a lot of focus and concentration. And you stuck your
hands in the pie and messed it all up!
PAUL
Pie? What pie?
LYDIA
I dont know what pie! My head is all fudge!
PAUL
Pie! Fudge? We need to get you a meal!

51

LYDIA
Oh, stop it. I have to breathe, I have to
SHE SHUTS HER EYES, BREATHES DEEPLY. ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR
LYDIA
(CALLING OUT) Yes Im coming, Andrew! Oh God I have to go back now. For
one last time..
PAUL
Youll be wonderful.
LYDIA
Well, that remains to be seen, after this little enracte! Now you will be waiting here,
wont you? In case something happens?
PAUL
Dont worry. Ive nowhere else to go.
PAUL OPENS THE DOOR FOR HER. SHE LOOKS AT HIM, FRIGHTENED. SHE
LEANS IN AND KISSES HIM
LYDIA
Now dont read anything into that. Im just frightened.
PAUL
If youre so frightened, why do you do it?
LYDIA
Because being frightened is terribly exciting. ..Though suddenly Im not so sure..
PAUL
(SMILING) Wrap up warm. It looks cold out there.
LYDIA WRAPS THE FUR COAT TIGHTLY AROUND HER
LYDIA
Yes. Winter has come already.
SHE THEN OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS.
52

LIGHTS FADE DOWN ON THE DRESSING ROOM AND CROSS-FADE TO THE

STAGE AREA. A BLUE/GREY LIGHT ESTABLISHES THE FEELING OF A
MOONLIT EVENING. IN THE BACKGROUND, THE SOUND OF A WINTER WIND
CUTTING THROUGH THE ORCHARD.
LYDIA WALKS INTO THE WINTER SETTING, LOOKING AROUND,
CONTEMPLATING HER FUTURE, PROTECTING HERSELF FROM THE COLD.
THE LIGHTS SLOWLY DIM TO BLACKOUT.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE

LIGHTS RISE ON LYDIA IN THE ROLE OF LUBOV. THE SAME SETTING AS WE

SAW AT THE END OF ACT ONE, WITH THE WINTER WIND IN THE DISTANCE
AND THE BLUE/GREY LIGHTS. A SECOND ADAPTED EXCERPT FROM THE
CHERRY ORCHARD.
LUBOV
I'll wait here for a moment more. It's as though I had never truly noticed what the walls
and ceilings of this house were really like. Ive never even glanced at them for more
than a moment. And yet now I find myself looking at them so greedily, devouring
them, and feeling such tenderness and love I remember, I must have been about six
years old, and one Trinity Sunday, I sat at this very window, I can see it now so clearly,
watching my father going to church Has everything been packed away? Soon, we
shall be gone too, not even a human soul remaining behind. And so we stare through
these windows for the final time.. Oh, my dead, my sweet, my beautiful orchard! My
life, my youth, my happiness Goodbye Goodbye!
THE SOUND OF THE WIND RISES. THEN, THE LIGHTS BEGAIN TO DIM. THE
WIND FADES OUT AS WE REACH BLACKOUT
THE SOUND OF RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE IS HEARD IN THE DARKNESS - LOUD
AND TUMULTUOUS WITH CHEERS, SHOUTS AND YELLS OF BRAVA!
LIGHTS SLOWLY RISE TO REVEAL LYDIA AT CENTRE STAGE AND IN A DEEP
BOW TO THE AUDIENCE. SHE IS LIT IN A WIDE BUT SOLO SPOTLIGHT.
53

LYDIA RAISES HER HEAD, HER FACE BEAMING WITH SATISFACTION. SHE
CASTS HER EYES AROUND THE ENTIRE AUDITORIUM, OPENS HER ARMS WIDE
AS THOUGH WELCOMING THEIR EMBRACE, AND THEN BOWS DEEPLY AGAIN.
EVENTUALLY, SHE QUIETENS THE APPLAUSE AND ADDRESSES THE
AUDIENCE
LYDIA
Ladies and gentlemen. Friends. So What is there to say? I have nothing written
down, no speech. If only Chekhov were here to come up with a few lines! Well
(SHE THINKS) Tonight, dear people, is both ending and beginning. And it makes me
reflect on why I chose this profession. This profession that has consumed my entire life
for so many decades. What brought me to it, at the beginning, wasnt the craft, not the
words, the costumes. In truth, it just seemed to me at the time, the best way to manage
my life. As a child, I could never walk into a room with confidence, and as a young
woman, I could never be relaxed in the company of strangers. You have to know why
you want to be an actress. And if your own skin doesnt seem to fit then playing parts
in a world of make believe is a fine way to find your place, to feel you belong. ..A
journalist once asked me what I loved most about doing this. And I talked of working
with an ensemble, I talked of entertaining the public, of creativity and discovery. I
talked of Chekhov and Shakespeare and Ibsen. ..But it wasnt the truth. What I love
most and Im almost ashamed to admit it - is the applause. Theyll tell you thats
insecurity, the lack of love and approval you had as a child, the need for some sort of
validation. But theyve never stood here and actually heard it. Experienced the intense,
joyous feeling when it washes over you. To some actors, its nothing. The last moment
of work before the rush to get home. But for me, its everything. Its my drug. And I
shall miss it. ..Though tonight somehowI was no longer the young girl still trying
to find her place. Not the addict waiting for her applause. Tonight I enjoyed the words
of the drama, I found new meaning in them, new challenges in the eyes of the other
characters, new ideas. I think tonight, knowing it was the end, it became purely about
the craft. Almost for the first time. How unexpected. That on a night of such applause,
that I was less of myself, and more of The Actress. That is the parting gift you have
given to me. And it was a genuine surprise, gratefully received. So I stand here,
blinded by the light and unable to see your faces. But knowing the room is full of
friends and well wishers. And a few enemies too, no doubt. Hoping I might bump into
the furniture, miss my step, and tumble into the orchestra pit. Wig first. Its not the
perfect way to make an exit. But at least you wouldnt forget it quickly. And I dont
want to be forgotten, not completely. Is that too much to ask of you? I shall leave that
in your hands. I thank you for the flowers, the champagne and other gifts. I thank you
for letting me spend my life doing something I love. One doesnt let go of lovers too
easily. But I must step off this platform and see where the next train carries me.
...Goodnight. Goodbye. Thank you to each and every one of you that put me in the
warmth of the spotlight. I shall miss you. And the warmth. And everything.
SHE TAKES ANOTHER BOW.
54

WE HEAR THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD ENTHUSIASTICALLY. LYDIA WALKS OUT

OF THE SPOTLIGHT AND OFF THE STAGE. THE SPOTLIGHT FADES TO
BLACKOUT.

SCENE TWO

LIGHTS RISES ON THE DRESSING ROOM. PAUL IS LISTENING INTENTLY TO

THE TANNOY, THE ROAR OF APPLAUSE. SHORTLY, LYDIA ENTERS. SHE
SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HERSELF AND THEN CLINGS TO IT, HER HANDS
GRASPING THE DOOR FRAME. A DEEP BREATH
PAUL
It went well.
LYDIA
It did. And so unexpectedly.
PAUL
I thought you gave a very nice speech.
LYDIA
Chekhov would have written it better. Bloody playwrights. Theyre always dead just
when you need them. Ive often thought that we all should all have a writer following
us around. To provide words when you dont know what to say and witticisms when
you want to impress. Somebody should suggest it. I mean, Lord knows the poor
bastards need the work. I havent met a single playwright who can afford a decent
meal. Thats why theyre all so vulnerable. Most dont become rich and successful
until long after theyre dead. Thats why they write tragedy so well. They can taste it.
..Am I rambling?
PAUL
Yes. And you look like someone nailed you to the door.
LYDIA
I just need to hold on to something for a moment. Im not sure if Im flying or falling
right now, but Im certainly not rooted on the ground. I feel elated. And devastated.
And confused as to how I could possibly feel both elated and devastated. Its dizzying.

55

PAUL
Then come and sit down. Look, you cant stay there all night, blocking the doorway.
Youre a fire hazard.
LYDIA
But I cant let go. I cant. Help me.
PAUL ASSISTS LYDIAS MOVE FROM THE DOOR AND INTO THE CENTRE OF
THE ROOM. SHE THEN LOWERS HER HEAD SO THAT HE CAN EASILY REMOVE
THE WIG. THEN LYDIA THROWS OFF HER HAIRNET. SHE TAKES THE TOWEL
AND DRIES HER HAIR
LYDIA
It was so hot out there. I thought I was going to melt.
PAUL
Ill get you some water.
LYDIA
First get me of my costume.
PAUL HELPS LYDIA OUT OF HER COSTUME AS THEY TALK
The public dont realize how we suffer in the heat of the lights. And theres no air out
there, so you sweat and you sweat until the clothes cling to you. After the show, the
costumes look as exhausted as we are. But I dont feel so tired tonight. When the show
ends well, it gives you a burst of life.
PAUL
From what I heard, those final scenes were exquisite. You were a marvel. I couldnt
have done it better myself. Delicious!
LYDIA
You make me sound like a desert. Desserts are bad for your heart.
PAUL
But theyre worth it. ...What do you want to put on?
LYDIA
The dressing robe, the violet one. There do you see it?
PAUL COLLECTS HER VIOLET ROBE
56

My heart is pounding. I might have a heart attack.

PAUL
Please dont, Ive got a bus to catch.
LYDIA PUTS ON THE ROBE AND SITS DOWN
LYDIA
It wouldnt be a bad way to go. In your dressing room after a show. As you sit there
reflecting on the performance, dipping your hands in cold cream and wiping the faade
from your face. And then, slowly, leaning back in the chair, dimming the lights, letting
out a final deep breath, and closing your eyes. It would be a hell of a final scene. Bring
the house down. And it would certainly make the papers. I havent been on the front
page for years it might be worth it!? (SHE LAUGHS TO HERSELF) But not
tonight. Tomorrow, we live to fight another day. One scene at a time. You know, on
stage, I feltre-born. Is that the right word? It was magical.
PAUL
I felt that. Even from here in your prison. I thought the applause would never end. The
Tannoy was over-heating. And your speech
LYDIA
Was it alright?
PAUL
Yes. Very interesting, I thought. Almost real. As though you hadnt been planning it
for weeks.
LYDIA
I hadnt. Not at all.
PAUL
Thats very unlike you. Perhaps you are changing.
LYDIA
Things do feel a little different. I always quite like it when things end. So much in life
doesnt. It just carries on endlessly, repeating and repeating, never coming close to a
finale. Not in our business anyway. Youre always looking to the next project, the next
event. The book doesnt have a last chapter, it just keeps expanding. And often getting
worse with each new page. So its strange to draw a close to something without already
having begun something else. Its a new experience. Its pleasant. And also
completely un-nerving. ..Am I rambling again?
57

PAUL
Well, at least youre not glued to the wall this time. So theres progress.
LYDIA
How do I look?
PAUL
(SMIRKING) Honestly?
LYDIA
No, not honestly! My goodness, Paul, in all these years have you learnt nothing?
PAUL
In that case you look ravishing.
LYDIA
Theres a good boy.
PAUL
So what happens now? Surely we dont just sit in our violet robe and slowly melt?
Wheres the brass band and the fireworks?
LYDIA
I knew Id forgotten something!
PAUL
At least we should have champagne. Is there champagne?
LYDIA
Yes, lots of it. In the ice bucket buried in that corner somewhere.
AS THE CONVERSATION CONTINUES, PAUL LOCATES A BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE
PAUL
Its been so long since I had champagne. Out there in the real world, there are rarely
things to celebrate. But under these roofs, you seem to find a good excuse every single
night. Its New Years Eve, eight times a week. Its totally and completely absurd.
..God how I miss it.
HE UN-WRAPS THE CHAMPAGNE CORK
58

How many glasses do we need? In fact - ..Where is everybody? The whole world has
normally invaded your room by now.
LYDIA
Just two glasses. I told them not to let anybody up.
PAUL
Why not?
LYDIA
All the genuine Goodbyes have already been said. I dont need two hours of false
ones. And besides..
PAUL
You wanted me all to yourself.
LYDIA
I wasnt going to say that.
PAUL
But nonetheless the room is empty..
HE POPS THE CHAMPAGNE CORK
I think its a lovely idea. Im flattered, thank you.
PAUL POURS LYDIA A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE
LYDIA
Dont thank me yet. I still might fire you.
PAUL
You cant get rid of me that easily.
LYDIA
No, thats already very clear.
PAUL
Surely you now ready to admit that youre perfectly glad I came?
LYDIA
Im an actress, we never admit to anything. Otherwise wed all be in jail.
59

PAUL
Are you avoiding the point?
LYDIA
Actually, yes, I believe I am. How clever of you to notice.
PAUL PRESENTS HER WITH THE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE
Do pour one for yourself.
PAUL
You thought both the glasses were for you?
LYDIA
Well, I like to have a few lined up. It saves time when youre drinking alone.
PAUL POURS HIMSELF A GLASS
I should warn you, the champagne is a little warm. Katherine normally chills it for
me.
PAUL
I wonder what shes doing now? How far do they usually go when they run away?
LYDIA
Not terribly far. I expect shes already bedded herself with another actress in another
theatre. And, as she chills the wine, telling everyone what a terrible woman I am. And
how much nicer all the younger actresses are.
HER BREATHING FALTERS
PAUL
Are you alright?
LYDIA
Im still having a little trouble breathing. I need oxygen.
PAUL
Drink more champagne it has bubbles in it.
SHE DRINKS MORE OF HER CHAMPAGNE
Now no more talk of absentee dressers and younger performers. You should be
celebrating. You took everybodys breath away tonight.
60

LYDIA
Even my own.
PAUL RAISES HIS GLASS IN A TOAST TO HER
PAUL
To the extraordinary Lydia Martin.
LYDIA
Please, Paul no more compliments. I cant take it. Youre very kind, but I dont want
any more compliments tonight.
PAUL
Really? Am I in the right room?
LYDIA
I just - ..I dont know, I seem to feel that that I need to tear myself away from all the
flattery. Its too fierce an addiction and I cant keep craving it, begging for it. We
shouldnt need it at all, but without it, these theatres would be empty. No confidence,
no show. But at the same time, it devours you. Because even as you drink the
compliments, you disbelieve them. You doubt every word. And if theres any strong
sense that the praise was false, it haunts you through the night. Oh God, I need to break
free of that. I need to purge myself, find a new drug. Something less potent.
PAUL
Well, I highly recommend heavy drinking. Its far less complicated and goes down
very well with a pie. Even though I do find that champagne is often served these days
as warm as a cup of tea. So why dont we drink to that?
LYDIA
You want me to drink to heavy drinking?
PAUL
Well, then, how about to the final curtain?
LYDIA
No, that sounds too I mean, I havent died.
PAUL
Youre moving to Switzerland. Some people would say thats the same thing.

61

LYDIA
Only rude people.
PAUL
Then a toast to rude people everywhere. God bless them and all their ex-wives.
THEY BOTH DRINK
Actually, despite the temperature, its very good.
LYDIA
Only the best.
PAUL
I suppose some handsome gentleman bought you the champagne as well?
LYDIA
No, actually. I have a regular delivery.
PAUL
How very decadent.
LYDIA
Come to think of it I shall have to cancel my order. Oh dear, the poor man will go
bankrupt. ..Are there no strawberries?
PAUL
No, unfortunately. The brass band was going to bring them.
LYDIA
What about chocolates? Are there chocolates? Im sure somebody sent me some.
SHE HUNTS FOR A BOX OF CHOCOLATES HIDDEN AMONGST ALL THE
FLOWERS
Back in the old days, when actresses were treated like Godesses, the men used to
send flowers with necklaces draped around them. Now we get chocolate covered
cherries. Damn it, where are they? Arent you going to help?
PAUL
It doesnt look like it.

62

LYDIA
Katherine normally organizes all of this for me. Why did I fire her? I need to control
my temper.
PAUL
You do. That revelation has come twenty years too late, but yes, you do.
SHE FINDS THE CHOCOLATES
LYDIA
Aha! Here they are! I knew they were hiding in there somewhere.
LYDIA EXAMINES THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES, WHICH IS RATHER SQUASHED.
SHE LOOKS ANGRILY AT PAUL
You squashed my chocolates! You really have no consideration. ..They have
wonderful chocolate in Switzerland. Charles has said he will buy me some every
Saturday morning. Hell quietly get up while Im still asleep, and walk to the shops.
PAUL
I hope the shops arent up a hill. You wont see him all day.
LYDIA
Im ignoring that. And now you dont get one.
SHE EATS A CHOCOLATE, HOLDING THE BOX CLOSE TO HER SO THAT PAUL
CANT GET TO THEM
PAUL
I never said I wanted one in the first place. Especially if theyre Swiss. Are they
Swiss?
LYDIA
Its hard to tell once theyre squashed.
SHE EATS ANOTHER
..Though I think they might be. The Swiss are so very good at sweet things.
PAUL
I wouldnt know. But I suppose every damn place has something going for it. And
what would that be exactly?

63

LYDIA
What do you mean? Im sorry, I just hit the cherry, I was distracted.
PAUL
What does Switzerland have thats so special about it? If youre going to leave all this
for it, then presumably there must be something incredible there? So what is it?
What lure does it have for you?
LYDIA
Oh, stop it, youre not in the slightest bit interested.
PAUL
I am. I am interested. Wellintrigued. I want to know. So swallow the bloody
chocolate cherry and tell me.
LYDIA
Where do I start?
PAUL
Well, is it is it beautiful?
LYDIA
(SITTING) Oh, yes. It certainly is. Beyond beautiful. Across the lake you can see the
Alps - iced in white, and their perfect reflection across the cool water. And birds fly
over head as the occasional boat drifts by, passed the edge of the lake and the wooden
jetties and charming small villages. And in the spring, there are small colorful flowers
everywhere at the corner of your eye. And crisp air on a gentle wind. ..And thats not
all. There are so many places to visit French, Italian, German. Each with their own
restaurants. You can have croissants, pizza and sausages, each in their own language,
all in one afternoon. The food is exceptional, the people polite, the streets clean. I used
to dream of a place like that. And now its mine. ..And whats more, I get to share it all
with Charles.
PAUL
And what will you do all day with Charles? Apart from eat?
LYDIA
Oh, the time rushes by when were together. We talk for hours. Wonderful
conversations. Its true. We never run out of dialogue. Though sometimes I go
completely quiet and just listen intently. Like a student in love with her teacher. Hes a
fascinating, miraculous man. And he has barrels of charm.
64

So you wouldnt get on with him at all. Youd be endlessly trying to out-charm each
other. It would be like a 24 hour arm wrestling competition. But not as interesting.
Though you know what it is that I admire most of all in him?
PAUL
I cant imagine.
LYDIA
His stillness.
PAUL
Stillness? You mean he has difficulty moving?
LYDIA
I mean he has no need to pace around, to flail his arms, look in all directions. He can
just sit completely still think, talk, listen. Its devastatingly attractive. Especially to
someone like me who lives life like a spinning top. Can you imagine? To be able to
bring everything to a halt and just pause
PAUL
Personally, I think pausings wildly over-rated.
LYDIA
Thats because you dont have stillness.
PAUL
No, thats true. I do like to flail my arms occasionally. And where would we be
without a good flail?
LYDIA
Wed be calmer, I suppose.
PAUL
Yes, well, if thats what youre looking for..? But couldnt you just buy a statue?
Theyre also very still, and they dont answer back.
LYDIA
But nor do they buy you chocolates.
SHE EATS ANOTHER

65

PAUL
So youre convinced? You truly believe youve got something you really want?
LYDIA
I do believe that. I do.
PAUL
WellIt would be wrong of me not to be happy for you. But then again, Im always
wrong about everything.
NOTHING IS SAID FOR A MOMENT. THEY TAKE ANOTHER SIP OF THEIR
CHAMPAGNE
LYDIA
You can have a chocolate now, if you like?
PAUL
Ive lost my appetite.
LYDIA
I wish that you really were happy for me.
PAUL
Im trying. Dont rush me
HE WANDERS AROUND THE ROOM
Perhaps you should start clearing everything away? Doesnt it all have to be gone
tonight?
LYDIA
Im not ready for that not yet.
PAUL
Are you sure? I mean, why delay? Its only packing things up.
LYDIA
Its much more than that. The last show is always a very strange affair, even on the
most insignificant of runs. Dont you see all that activity in the corridors? Its like a
party, a great buzz of excitement, tears and smiles and the chaotic exchange of phone
numbers. But then each actor will leave with laughter still ringing in the air and a
cheery wave. And then it stops.
66

And as you watch each of them walk down the street, they look terribly lonely. Thats
the thing about it, you see. After all the company and chatter, after the applause and
elation, they we - walk home alone. Its why so many actors drink heavily. Delaying
that walk as long as we can. And thats who actors are the happiest, saddest people
youll ever meet.
SHE TAKES A DRINK
PAUL
..But youre not sad tonight. Are you?
LYDIA
I dont know what I am tonight. And I wonder who Ill be away from this room?
(SHE LOOKS AROUND)
PAUL
You dont have to go. You dont have to change anything.
LYDIA
Lets not start that again. I said I dont know who Ill be. Not that I didnt want to find
out. ..And its time to do that. Youre right - we should make a start. Would you help
me clear these cards?
PAUL
Your wish is my command.
LYDIA
It never used to be. I couldnt command you to do anything.
PAUL
Well, were making fresh starts, arent we.
PAUL STARTS TO CLEAR THE CARDS FROM AROUND THE MIRROR AND
AROUND THE ROOM
(REFERRING TO THE CARDS) Do you really know all those people?
LYDIA
Of course! Theyre from actors mostly. Each card carries a recollection of some old
show or other in which we fought together. This profession leaves you with so many
potent memories. The good shows that give you pride, and the bad ones that give you
wonderful anecdotes. Sometimes its worth being in a disaster, just so you can share the
stories.
67

PAUL
Youre very lucky. To have found something that you love to do.
LYDIA
I am lucky. And I know it.
PAUL
I envy that.
LYDIA
You do?
PAUL
I feel that I just never really discovered what I want to do with my life. Oh, I fill it up
one way or another. But I never seem to have a precise idea of where Im going. I drift
along, always heading somewhere. But somehow never arriving.
LYDIA
Dont be silly.
PAUL
Oh, its not silly. Hardly anybody among my friends has any real path, any precise
target. Were really a lost generation. Aimlessly wandering through the world. But I
did always like being married to an actress. So I think I would find the theatre a very
diverting profession. It at least keeps you on your toes. Yes, I do think I might have
liked it. Not acting or directing, but somewhere lurking in the shadows Maybe I
should have become a playwright?
LYDIA
A playwright!? Now youre getting hysterical.
PAUL GIVES THE PILE OF CARDS TO LYDIA
PAUL
You just knew what you wanted to do from such a young age. What a gift that is.
Youve never been lost, have you?
LYDIA
Finding your chosen career doesnt always bring you happiness.

68

PAUL
No. But you know who you are. And what you are. And me? Who the hell am I?
LYDIA
I can help you with that. Though, they do have very good mental health doctors in
Switzerland. Ill make an appointment.
PAUL
Ah! So thats why mad people go and live there..
LYDIA
No, Paul, Im pretty sure theyre all under this roof. Its here where we tip-toe on the
edge of insanity. Its the one absolute truth of the profession - were all half crazy.
PAUL
Only half?!
LYDIA
Interestingly, there are very few actors living in Switzerland. I expect thats why its so
quiet. Youll see for yourself when you come and visit.
PAUL
Surely Im not invited?
LYDIA
What difference is there either way? Youll turn up as it takes your fancy, whether
youre invited or not. But shocked as I am to hear myself saying this youd be very
welcome. For a day or two. Perhaps while Charles is away on business. Not that Id
have to keep it a secret from him. It would just save an awful lot of arm wrestling.
PAUL
Id be delighted.
LYDIA
Good. We look forward to it. Especially as wellnobody else will come.
PAUL
Surely thats not true? What about all those people who wrote you cards, sent you
flowers?

69

LYDIA
Oh, darling. Those friendships are all very pleasant. But none of its real. When you
work together, its all hugs and kisses. Youre like soldiers in the barracks together,
kindred spirits, the best of pals, friends for all eternity. And then the show closes and
you never see each other again. And youre not disappointed and youre not surprised.
Because you knew that even when you were the best of friends.
PAUL
That seems rather sad.
LYDIA
No, its just the way it is. For us. Were made a different way in this jungle. But you,
youre cast from another mould. Not necessarily a better mould, but But you will
come and see us?
PAUL
Maybe I wont have to. You might find yourself regularly coming here and visiting
me? I dont see why not. Obviously we cant offer huge amounts of stillness and
temperatures of minus 30 degrees, but there are many other attractions. Geraldine Cook
is playing Titania next season. Shell be terrible you dont want to miss that!?
Besides, this town is well, it really is a very nice place. ..Though, without you, it
might be a little less so. And thats why everyone will miss you. Even though they
dont know it yet. ..And with that in mind
PAUL PICKS UP THE WIG MOUNTED ON ITS MANNEQUIN WIG STAND
Can take this home with me? I thought I might put it on display in the hall.
LYDIA
What - on the end of a spike?
PAUL
No, no. Not necessarily. But as a trophy from our marriage. I thought I could display
it with one of the plates you threw at me.
LYDIA
Youll do no such thing. Its a very expensive wig. You should give it as a gift to one
of your young actress friends.
PAUL
And what on earth makes you think I still have young actress friends?

70

LYDIA
Oh Paul, just because Im stuck in here all evening, doesnt mean Im unaware that the
world keeps going round.
SHE SELECTS A FEW SINGLE ROSES
These flowers will just have to stay here. I cant think what else to do with them at this
time of night. There are so many. But these few roses I shall take with me to
Switzerland. And press them into our books.
PAUL
Books? You read now?! When did that insanity start?
LYDIA
I know! I never used to read at all. Not books. Always scripts and more scripts. But
books are so wonderful you can get lost in them completely. If a book is joyful, you
can spend an entire afternoon reading it by the lake.
PAUL
And if its depressing, you can throw yourself in it.
LYDIA
Charles has given me a complete set of SHE SUDDENLY STOPS. AS THOUGH THE REALIZATION OF ALL THAT IS
HAPPENING SUDDENLY DAWNS ON HER. SHE PUTS HER HANDS TO HER
FACE TO STOP HERSELF CRYING.
PAUL
Whats the matter? Lydia?
LYDIA
It always seemed so far away. And suddenly its here.
PAUL
Dont cry.
LYDIA
Im not.
SHE CHECKS HER EYE WITH HER FINGER, FINDING A COUPLE OF TEARS
Well - just a drop or two.
71

Im surprised, I thought Id emptied that supply during the show. I think real tears
come from a different part of you. ..Im a little frightened.
PAUL
You? Youre not frightened of anything.
LYDIA
I didnt used to be. But Im getting older.
PAUL
Dont be ridiculous. Actresses dont get older. They just get bigger wigs and more
make-up.
LYDIA LAUGHS A LITTLE
LYDIA
Thats true. Until the moment arrives when you can no longer learn your lines. Then
you age so fast, it knocks you off your feet. Thats a terrible truth. Most actors would
carry on performing until they creek like an old barge. But your memory lets you
down. And to be on stage, waiting to speak, but unable to find the words.. Well, thats
so terrifying that youll never sleep peacefully again. So your mind and body they tell
you when to stop. Even if on the way, your heart breaks in pieces. Its very sad. But
nobody notices. Because theres a queue of others waiting to take your place. A line of
youthful performers stretching to the horizon. Even as I stand here, I can hear the
approach of the next wagon of divas as it rolls into town.
PAUL
..Do you need a hug? Or perhaps something a little more?
HE APPROACHES HER, BUT SHE BLOCKS HIM
LYDIA
Dont make me slap you again. Its very hard on the palms.
PAUL
Then Ill stay right here, if you dont mind. My dentist will appreciate it. Ill just look
at you from a distance.
LYDIA
Theres no law against that.

72

PAUL
There should be you dont know what Im thinking.. Oh God, Lydia, why did you
ever leave me?
LYDIA
Oh Paul not now. Cant you see Im falling apart?
PAUL
Well, Im sorry, but Im working to a deadline here. And I cant shake off the certainty
that our divorce makes no sense.
PAUL TAKES A QUICK LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR
I mean, look at me - Im gorgeous.
LYDIA
No, youre arrogant and short sighted. Its not quite the same thing.
PAUL
You shouldnt have walked away from me.
LYDIA
(STARTLED BY THIS) Now hang on a minute! I walked away?!
PAUL
Yes, you did. I think if you and I had just given it more of a chance LYDIA
More of a chance!? Stop. Stop right now. I am not going to have this conversation.
Not tonight!
PAUL
Im afraid you might have to because it needs to be said.
LYDIA
It can wait till you visit!
PAUL
It cant! Before you go, I need you to admit that you were too impulsive. That you
made a wild decision in the heat of the moment.

73

LYDIA
Im not admitting to anything.
PAUL
You know thats true. That you just didnt think it through!
LYDIA
Oh for goodness sake - what was there to think through? Paul - you completely
betrayed me by going off with other women!
PAUL
What!? I did not!
LYDIA
Yes you damn well did! You cant deny it dont be absurd! You had a dozen affairs!
PAUL
A dozen! My God, of all the ridiculous - ..It was no more than ten.
LYDIA
Ha!
PAUL
And they were not affairs. Youd already left me by that point. Thats the one factor
you always seem to leave out. Youd gone, bags packed. It was over.
LYDIA
Not over - we were still married!
PAUL
Only technically. The house was on sale, youd removed your possessions and youd
told me you never wanted to see me again.
LYDIA
Which didnt work. You followed me around the entire country during my tour of
Hamlet I couldnt get rid of you.
PAUL
I was trying to talk to you! To sort out the chaos. I wanted to make amends, patch
things up.
74

LYDIA
And how did you go about that? By having sex with the actress playing Ophelia! I was
so humiliated. The poor girl didnt know what hit her.
PAUL
I wouldnt put it quite like that.
LYDIA
And you had liaisons with other women in the play. The blonde one who played the
Ladys Maid or if rumor was true, both of the Ladys Maids. By the end of the run,
youd slept with every woman in Denmark!
PAUL
With you rejecting me on a nightly basis, what was I supposed to do? I loved you!
Before Hamlet I never even looked at another woman. (A LOOK FROM LYDIA)
- I didnt! I was there for you.
LYDIA
If you were, I didnt see you.
PAUL
Then maybe you should have looked up from your scripts occasionally? Its not easy
competing for your attention with a thousand cheering people. Being in the theatre is all
very well, but when its all you talk about and all you think about, what room is there
left for any kind of genuine human relationship? Damn it, Lydia. If you can walk away
from it with that old Swiss fool, then why couldnt you walk away from it for me?
LYDIA
Because I didnt want to.
PAUL
Thats not much of an answer.
LYDIA
Its all I have. I cant explain how I felt about something over a decade ago. I hardly
remember what I was feeling yesterday. It just didnt work. Thats my answer do
with it what you will.
PAUL
So youve no regrets?

75

LYDIA
Yes, of course I regret it. I question every decision I ever made. So Ive got regrets by
the barrowful. ..And just for the record, Im pretty sure Ophelia has regrets too!
PAUL
I find that very hard to believe.
LYDIA
Im surprised she didnt run off to a nunnery! Instead, I believe she ended up in
Charleys Aunt! Or some other graveyard. Im sure you can find her again if you
look hard enough.
PAUL
I have no interest in her or anybody else from those murky days. I honestly dont
even remember what she looked like.
LYDIA
Young! Thats what she looked like!
PAUL
No, no youth had nothing to do with it.
LYDIA
Oh, dont be an idiot. Nobody betrays their wife with somebody older!
PAUL
I did not betray you. We were separated!
LYDIA
It was temporary!
PAUL
And how was I supposed to know that? You were completely ignoring me, there was
no line of communication.
LYDIA
Because there was nothing to talk about.
PAUL
I had things to talk about! I deserved a chance to explain.
76

You have to give the other person an opportunity to talk. You live your entire life as a
monologue that gets occasionally interrupted. That does not work. In the heat of an
argument, if you ever had a real conversation, a fair conversation, youd be a lot better
for it. And a lot less divorced.
LYDIA
Whatever you had to say to me, you lost the right to speak when you pounced on
Ophelias virginity! I hope she was worth it!
PAUL
Of course she wasnt. I was just lonely!
LYDIA
Then buy a dog!
PAUL
You dont understand. Men are made differently.
LYDIA
Oh dont you start.
PAUL
We are, were designed in a different way.
LYDIA
So sleeping with young women while youre married thats simply a design fault?
PAUL
Yes yes, I think you could put it that way a design fault.
LYDIA
Ah. Well that would explain why dating a man comes with no guarantees.
PAUL
You see, now youre trying to be clever.
LYDIA
Not trying, dear, just clever. But next to you, were all geniuses. Youre ridiculous.
PAUL
You made me ridiculous when you threw me away.
77

You pushed me out of your life and I was desperate, sad, distraught. Its only natural to
seek some kind of comfort, to find affection in the eyes of somebody else. I loved you!
How could I cope with the world otherwise?
LYDIA
I dont need your kind of love. I need devotion, and loyalty.
PAUL
Then buy a dog!
LYDIA
Oh so now whos clever?
PAUL
I just needed to feel, in that terrible time, that I would not be alone for the rest of my
life.
LYDIA
Then why didnt you marry some other actress? Theres no shortage.
PAUL
Because theyre not interesting. Theyre not compelling. Theyre not you!
A PAUSE
LYDIA
Well, very few people are..
PAUL
Honestly, Lydia, I wasnt brazenly playing the field. I just didnt know what to do with
myself. Each day that you ignored me was intensely upsetting. And those women,
those random women
LYDIA
Those young women.
PAUL
Just provided a little bit of sunshine. To get me through the day. Dont we all deserve
to get out of the rain?

78

LYDIA
Was that a weak attempt at a weather analogy?
PAUL
Im afraid it might have been. Ill put it more simply I loved you. And when you left
me, I was a crazy fool. But Im not crazy anymore.
LYDIA
Isnt that a matter of opinion?
PAUL
Yours is the only opinion that matters to me.
LYDIA
Since when?
PAUL
Always.
PAUL GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES TO BEG FORGIVENESS
Lydia please - Forgive me. Cant you just forgive me for whatever I did? For
everything I did? And everything I didnt do, but tried to do? And wish I hadnt done?
Or wish I hadnt tried to sorry, Im losing it now, but you get the point? Life is so
short. ..Forgive me.
A PAUSE
LYDIA
No, I wont forgive. But give me time and I might I might - forget..
PAUL
If thats the best you can offer for now then Ill take it.
HE IS ABOUT TO STAND UP
LYDIA
I didnt say you could get up.
PAUL AGREES TO REMAIN ON HIS KNEES
..Youre so exhausting, Paul. You know, I had the whole day planned out so simply..!

79

PAUL
Well, life is complicated.
LYDIA
It was a lot less complicated before you walked through the door.
PAUL
Im sorry if I
LYDIA
Stop stop! Please, no more. Just give me a cigarette.
PAUL TAKES OUT THE PACKET, BUT IT IS EMPTY
PAUL
Sorry, Ive run out.
LYDIA
What!? Its just not my day, is it!
THE TELEPHONE RINGS. PAUL GOES TO ANSWER IT
LYDIA
Dont you dare!
HE FREEZES ON THE SPOT. LYDIA ANSWERS THE PHONE
(INTO THE PHONE) Yes? Oh yes, darling, how is it all going?Am I the last one
here?...Yes, of course, well be gone in a flash. The costumes are hanging in their usual
place.If I leave the wig will you find a home for it?... (SHE LOOKS AT THE WIG)
Yes, just give it milk in the morning and let it out at night. Ha, ha Oh, thats very
kind of you. Youve been truly wonderful during this entire run. I mean it. I shall
never, ever forget you.
SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE
PAUL
Who was that?
LYDIA
I dont remember. (A WRY SMILE) They want me to leave the room. Theres a truck
outside waiting to take the costumes away. To put it all in storage..

80

SHE GLANCES AROUND THE ROOM

Isnt this room terrible? Theyre the most awful places once the run is over. All of a
sudden youre at a funeral.
PAUL
Lets get out of here - go for a walk.
LYDIA
A walk?
PAUL
We dont have to go far. Just around the building?
LYDIA
..Yes, alright. Why not? Id quite like to have a final wander around the Orchard.
PAUL
Orchard? What orchard?
LYDIA
The Cherry Orchard.
PAUL
I thought you sold that..?
LYDIA
Dont be childish.
PAUL
I cant promise anything.
LYDIA
I suppose it will be a nice way to bid farewell. Come on, let me help you up. It cant
be easy at your age
SHE HELPS HIM TO HIS FEET AND BRUSHES THE DUST OFF HIS TROUSERS
WITH HER HANDS
Youll like being on the stage once the shows over. It has a very special atmosphere.
Haunted, but friendly.

81

PAUL
Wont it be dark?
LYDIA
Therell be a ghost light. For old ghosts like us.
LYDIA STARTS TO PACK THE FINAL ITEMS ON HER DRESSING TABLE INTO
HER MAKE-UP BOX
(AS SHE DOES SO) ..Would you take my music?
PAUL PICKS UP THE MUSIC (RECORDS OR WHATEVER). LYDIA PICKS UP THE
CHOCOLATES AND A FEW FLOWERS, AND PUTS THE FINAL ITEM INTO THE
MAKE-UP BOX
PAUL
Are you finished?
LYDIA
Yes. Finally, I think I am..
LYDIA CEREMONIOUSLY CLOSES THE LID SHUT ON THE MAKE-UP BOX.

SCENE THREE

LIGHTS CROSS-FADE TO THE STAGE AREA. THE ORCHARD SETTING. ONE

OF THE TREES LAYING DOWN ON THE STAGE ACROSS THE FLOOR, READY TO
BE TAKEN AWAY. A SINGLE GHOST LIGHT, ON A STAND, IS THE ONLY
STRONG LIGHT ON STAGE. BUT BLUE AND RED WORKING LIGHTS UPSTAGE
PICK OUT DETAILS IN THE DARKNESS.
LYDIA AND PAUL WALK ONTO THE STAGE AND INTO THE AREA LIT BY THE
GHOST LIGHT.
LYDIA
Its not too dusty. They sweep it before every show. Or we could sit on the tree?
THIS SEEMS A BETTER IDEA AND PAUL GOES TO SIT ON THE TRUNK OF THE
FALLEN CHERRY TREE, PUTTING THE ITEMS HE IS CARRYING ON THE FLOOR.

82

LYDIA FEELS THE WARMTH OF THE GHOST LIGHT AND, STANDING CLOSE TO
IT, SHE DELIVERS A SPEECH FROM ACT FOUR OF THE TEMPEST BY
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
LYDIA
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
SHE AFFECTIONATELY TOUCHES THE GHOST LIGHT AND THEN WALKS TO
THE FALLEN TREE AND SITS NEXT TO PAUL
PAUL
Im surprised its so quiet here.
LYDIA
Go out into the corridor - the sound of careers coming to an end is deafening.
Chocolate?
SHE OFFERS HIM HER BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND HE TAKES ONE AND PUTS
IT IN HIS MOUTH
PAUL
These are good. Who bought them for you?
LYDIA
I dont recall. Some gentleman admirer.
LYDIA LOOKS AT THE LABEL ON THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND IS
DISAPPOINTED BY WHO SENT THEM
Oh. Theyre from my Agent. Yes, I thought they tasted a bit off. And ten percent of
them were missing
SHE PUTS THE BOX TO ONE SIDE

83

PAUL
I thought your agent was dead?
LYDIA
Very possibly - its hard to tell sometimes. But, no. He visited me last night, as a
matter of fact. Told me how wonderful I was, drank all my brandy, then burst into
tears. Used up my entire box of tissues. The thing is, you see, I was the only decent
client he ever had. He never carried a good reputation, so he always saw me as his
salvation. Not that it ever did me any good.
PAUL
So why didnt you move agents?
LYDIA
Whats the point? Its like changing deckchairs on the Titanic. Were all going down
in the end. Besides, I couldnt leave him. He helped give me my start in this business
saw something in me that nobody us could see. And in return, I gave him prestige, I
suppose. The ability to walk into a theatre with his head held high. But now all hes
left with is a bunch of chorus boys and some ageing comedians. I doubt hell ever be
seen outside of the office again. He sat on the sofa battling with a strange mix of
feelings of gratitude, sadness and betrayal. He cried a little for each. Im letting an
awful lot of people down. Theres a trail of destruction behind me.
PAUL
Thats true. Youre letting down your audiences, your agent, your publicists, your
producersyour alcohol suppliers. And most of all your lovers.
LYDIA
I dont mind letting the lovers down. Im well rid of those.
PAUL
Why would you say that? Dont you like anybody youve been to bed with?
LYDIA
I did when I went to bed with them. But at some point they feel the need to talk. And
its generally all downhill from there. But not you you talked quite well.
PAUL
I was never sure that you were listening. You were always rather distracted.

84

LYDIA
I know. But now you have my full attention.
PAUL
At last! After all these years.
PAUL GIVES HER A QUICK KISS
LYDIA
Dont. Thats not why were here.
PAUL
I thought perhaps you might - Well, you know We did rather enjoy our little tumble
in the bushes didnt we?
LYDIA
That was a display of silliness that will not happen again. It was before the show. I was
very nervous, scared, - ..I dont know what I was but I wasnt myself.
PAUL
Oh, it was you alright. I saw you in there. And it wasnt a bad way to say hello.
Or goodbye. ..Its quite romantic here, isnt it? A single flickering light. The rows of
empty seats. If this were a novel, youd fall into my arms right now.
LYDIA
That proves that you never read. Generally, somebody dies at the end of a novel. Or
goes abroad, carrying with her a broken heart.
PAUL
I still cant accept youre going.
LYDIA
Oh Paul, youre so ridiculous.
PAUL
I just thought when you were on the stage the speech at the end of the show.
I thought I saw something. A flicker of doubt?
LYDIA
You were mistaken. And I shall prove it to you. In a years time, you can come and
visit us. And see how settled we are, how happy we are.
85

PAUL
How cold you are.
LYDIA
You dont notice the cold because its so charming there. So clean.
PAUL
You see, Im always worried when the foremost adjective used to describe somewhere
is clean. Who wants to live somewhere because its clean? I would have thought
thats the last thing you should care about. If there arent a few cans in the street, a rat
or two and a bit of blood and urine, how exciting can a place be? I dont want to live
somewhere sanitary, I want to be somewhere sexy, a little bit dangerous. At least then
you know youre alive. ..You can change your mind.
LYDIA
I wont do that. I cant do that.
PAUL
You can. And you should. If youre not absolutely sure where youre going then stay
where you are.
LYDIA
Did you read that somewhere?
PAUL
I think I must have done, its far too philosophical for me. .. But just because its
borrowed, it doesnt mean its not true.
LYDIA
I need a script. Thats my problem. To tell me what to say, what to do. But I am
certain of one thing - that Ive had enough of this absurd theatrical life.
PAUL
But without it who are you?
LYDIA
Just a woman, walking along the edge of the lake.
PAUL
That doesnt sound like an ending. Not when the storys been so wonderful.
86

LYDIA
The final pages arent written yet. Come and see me in a years time. Ill tell you how
it ends.
PAUL
You should know that already. If you were sure this was the right thing, youd be able
to see the rest of your life mapped out right now, clear as day. But you cant, can you?
And thats because youre still uncertain.
LYDIA
I dont know. I dont know..
PAUL
Well, I do know.
HE OFFERS OUT HIS HAND TO HER
I know how this ends. It ends with you and me.
LYDIA LOOKS AT HIM, SHE CONSIDERS FOR A MOMENT, BUT SHE DOES NOT
TAKE HIS HAND. SHE STANDS.
LYDIA
Charles will be waiting for me at home. I should go. I didnt realize how late it is.
PAUL
It is late. Its very late. Its winter Dont go..
THERE IS A PAUSE. LYDIA CROSSES BACK TO PAUL AND KISSES HIM
DELICATELY ON THE CHEEK. THEN SHE COLLECTS HER MUSIC AND
CROSSES THE STAGE TOWARDS THE EXIT. BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARS, AT THE
EDGE OF THE STAGE, PAUL CALLS TO HER
PAUL
Lydia
LYDIA PAUSES, STANDING STILL
..Youll be back. Youll have to come back. If not for me then for the plays, the
words.. Its in your blood. You wont be able to stay away. Youll return.
SHE TURNS BACK TO LOOK AT HIM

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LYDIA
Maybeone day
SHE LOOKS TOWARDS THE AUDITORIUM , THEN BACK AT PAUL
And the public? Do you think theyll wait for me?
PAUL
I have no idea. But I will. Ill always be waiting for you.
LYDIA SMILES AT HIM. THE LIGHTING CHANGES - THE GHOST LIGHT FADING
OUT AND THE SCATTERED LIGHTS UPSTAGE RISING TO MARK THE ACTORS
IN A SOFT SILHOUETTE. WE HEAR, IN THE DISTANCE, THE SOUND OF THE
KLEZMER BAND, AS HEARD EARLIER IN THE CHERRY ORCHARD SEQUENCES.
LYDIA LISTENS TO THE MUSIC FOR A MOMENT. AND THEN, ON HER OWN,
SHE LEAVES THE STAGE. PAUL LOWERS HIS HEAD. THE LIGHTS FADE TO
BLACKOUT AS THE MUSIC FADES AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE. CURTAIN.

THE END

Peter Quilter
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