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FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2016 | Year MMXVI | Number 9.2 | PRICE: TOMATOES, LOTS OF EM!

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Cinnabonarts Takes
on PB&J Tuesdays

Class Presenter
Acting Like Its a
Fucking TEDx Talk

Class of 2020 First


Antibiotic Resistant
Strain

PF Kluge Opens
Freshman Pretty Sure Hes Campus PF Changs

Peculiar Enough For Miss Peregrine Lesser Known


Monday Cafe Just
by SALACIOUS B. CRUMB Leftover Pizza Crust

P
like most Kenyon students, has never actua- the series, before failing in his attempt to de
EIRCE HALL Gesturing wildly lly read the novels. ploy a sleight of hand trick involving an egg. Phi Taus Announce
from the table upon which he was
standing, Ari Blank 20 was determi-
Is there some big arc about redemption
and the human spirit how we can only work
Look, if hes trying to be weird, hes defini-
tely succeeding, noted a worried looking Lars
Phase 4 Complete
ned to convince anyone who would listen that if together by accepting what would normally be Fishbun, his roommate. I dont know why hes
Miss Peregrine were real, she would think that considered peculiar in our society? Or is she so intent on making me believe that he would
he was peculiar as hell.
COLLEGIATE
just really into people that can roll their ton- be able to go to this totally fictional place that
Look, you want me to sing Rio by Duran gues and make their belly buttons whistle? he knows almost nothing about. I mean, every
Duran? Ill fucking do it. Ill do it in Swahili.
You know why? Because I like to get weird. I
Blank asked when questioned about the plot of time I ask him to name a character he just puts
on a fucking tin-foil hat and claims that hes
STAFF
love it. You know who else does? Blank shouts Benjamin Peirce . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
trying to generate positive energy with it. He
Margaret Houlihan . .Miguel ngel Kill
to no one in particular, pausing for dramatic almost jumped out our window when I asked
effect before adding, Miss Peregrine. Is she just really into him to point out Miss Peregrines Peculiar
Maxwell Klinger . . . . . Rotten Waspman
Potter....theForbiddenMan
Following Kenyons massive advertisement
campaign to enlighten the community about
people who can roll their Paddock or whatever on a map! Captain Hunnicut . . . . . . Scooter
At press time, Blank had changed his name Mike Wheeler . . . . Squeeps Mcqueeps
Ransom Riggss 01 book series turned film, tongues and make their to something more alliterative: Bartholomew Father Mulcahy .. Floyd Culkin
Blank was ecstatic about the possibility of Corporal OReilly. . . Spaghetti Johnson
transferring to the fictional institution. Unfor-
belly buttons whistle? Blank, in the hopes that he, like Ransom Riggs,
could imagine a world in which he felt welco- Lt. Yamato . . . . . Jimmy Crispix
Major Burns . . Myles Teddywedgers
tunately for Mr. Blank, his actual knowledge of me. n
Igor Straminsky . . . Salacious B. Crumb
Miss Peregrine remains limited, given that he,
Major Winchester . . . . . Phil Tippett

Local Butt Too Hot For These Jeans Captain McIntyre . . . . . . . [REDACTED]
President of the World . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

by DALLAS HERNANDEZ Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-


about it. Saying stuff like Dang, that is 100% but it doesnt matter when your glutes are
dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
space-pants booty shorts prime-time FDA this strong.
Have yall seen this butt? Its too hot for the- clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
approved slick-rick cheeks out bumb diggity My butts like a 6-stage rocket that just clea-
se jeans. Dink and flicka all the way. Jimmy ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
bomb butt I also heard some people say that red Earths orbit. It now orbits the sun.
jamming up in these jeans. Its really hawt. Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
it looked real hot. So hot in fact, that The Which do you think is hotter? My butt or the
How hawt? Hawt enough, oooohhh, wait, Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
Uppity Blues Women wrote a song about it. sun? Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
no, too hot.
Too much butt for one pair of jeans Trick question, correct answer: no an- I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
Seriously though, Ive been working out.
Too much butt, what? swer. Entities arent comparable. This tush pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Every day, at least 20 minutes of tushy
Too much butt, ah no, baby has created a new realm above all previous
twists. Its an innovative interval sphincter
Too much butt, tell me how could that be? realms, a realm that is no longer based in Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
tensioning workout. Pretty popular in Den-
Seriously though, my jeans make my ass look biology but in supra-biology. Supra dupra Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
mark. Did you see that Danish boy looking
great. But more than that, the Jeans are like nice butt. las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
at my butt? I think hes visiting a friend
a beautiful pot for the tremendous growth of Seriously though, all that matters is this my Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
here.
my flowery bottom. That metaphor is weak, rump is going to leave you stumped. n
Seriously though, people have been talking
2 THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2016

NEWS Student Life


Professor by SCOOTER
Apologizes for LEACH DINING ROOM The
Anecdote Kenyon Kink Club, Kenyons pre-
that was Only mier Co-ed Weeaboo group, hosted
their first ever Parents Weekend
Bearable Part Panel. The panel, dubbed Okidoki
Daddy Choke Me provided an op-
of Class
by DISGRUNTLED STUDENT
portunity for parents and their stu-
dents to discuss important topics
such as searching for sugar daddies
Okidoki Daddy Choke Me Panel
G Hosted By Kenyon Kink Club
post grad, applying for submissive
AMBIER, OHTues- positions, and GRE scores.
day evening Professor The panel, facilitated by KKC
Stephanie Menard president Tamara Twinktopolis 17,
digressed during her history se- was a the groups first attempt at
minar to talk about her sisters boosting public relations.
wedding. While Menard was Sometimes we [KKC] get a bad gleboper in a press release but thats difficult as discussion turned toward
quick to apologize for her 253-se- rep because people feel uncomforta- just how we like it. campus isolation and corn-kin. Parents also
cond anecdote, students reported ble sharing their strangest psycholo- Meetings of the Kink Club tend to get seemed to take less initiative than stu-
that her story about the wedding gical desires Twinktopolis admitted heated, as sexual tensions rise. Discussions dents, causing a rift in expectations and
was the only part of the three- the week prior. We hope this panel often climax with screaming matches fo- leaving both groups wondering how passive
provides a judgement free space, llowed by a quick cool down, in which one they should behave.
hour seminar that was bearable.
where parents and students can have faction walks away the obvious winner and We learned today just how little
Reports said that while Pro-
an open dialogue about the beauty the other with very little satisfaction. parents know about sex. Twinktopolis re-
fessor Menard was explaining the that can occur between two consen-
rise of the Habsburg Empire, she Discussions can be about pretty much ported after the panel fell apart awkwardly
ting adults and a sex dungeon. anything Jean Michigan, Professor of I know that mine especially need to ex-
remembered that her sister Mela- The club, which started as a Asian Studies, expert on sexual discour- plore beyond the cold sterile missionary
nie and her brother-in-law Geor- small group of bloggers meeting in se and KKC advisor, told The Collegiate that brought me and my brother into this
ge went on their honeymoon in a Caples eight person suite, has had Theyve talked about furries, the sensuality world.
Vienna. The thought triggered the trouble trying to gain membership of smell, the metaphor of fruit props in the Of course well never have the incestual
memory of her sisters wedding, since its conception in fall of 2015. porn industry. Its been an excellent oppor- tendencies of, say, the a cappella commu-
seven years ago. I know I should In fact, the panel will mark the re- tunity to research uncontrolled sexual im- nity lamented Dingleboper. But the panel
have stayed focused on the lecture turn from a short hiatus after a hea- pulse. went well despite its setbacks. Its time for a
but Mels wedding is such a wealth ted hentai debate left the club bit- Professor Michigan then shuddered new generation of parents to explore their
terly divided. before adding Nature is simultaneously sexuality. I cant think of a better place than
of comedic material. I mean, her
George Dingleboper 19, one of beautiful and sickening. a college campus.
color scheme was lavender but the
the founding members of KKC, has The discussion proved awkward. From Look out for the Kink Clubs other up-
wedding was in September, Me- been canvassing for new members
nard said while laughing. Menard, the very beginning, students and parents coming events, such as Youve Been a Bad
since the school year started. Our struggled to find an appropriate safeword, Bad Pumpkin and Christ Never Wanted
who lives alone, continued, The club has had a rough time said Din eventually settling on rural. This proved This. n
centerpieces were hideous. I still
took a few on my way out.
I didnt find the wedding
story amusing or even interes- Old Man in Im From California,
ting, said Jennifer Huppert 19 Old K Your Dad and I Have the Shivers
in Menards seminar on Tues- Honestly I should have realized it
day when the incident occurred. was someones dad, junior Gabe Bash by ORD DIMMESDALE
That being said, it was better by MIGUEL ANGEL KILL 18 told the Collegiate, saying that your

O
than the dry lecture she was gi- dad was spending his time introdu- Hey guys! You might have seen me around before.
ving. Huppert said the wedding LD KENYONAlarms cing himself to all of the nice people his Im the guy in the Dodgers hat who plays the guitar at
story was the only part of the class were raised this past week daughter went to school with, and mar- 3 am. I have lots of friends, and they all look just like
she remembered. She explained, after several students re- veling at how Kenyon truly is the pret- me! Crazy, right? Anyways, its getting colder outsi-
What was she talking about? The ported seeing an older gentleman tiest campuses in the U.S., especially in de, and I have the shivers. Its my first time spending
Mongols in Portugal, right? Her wandering the halls of Old Kenyon. On the fall with all these leaves. the winter in Ohio, and Im getting a little worried.
classmates shared similar senti- closer inspection the man in question Several friends of yours sent you Why is the air like this? Why is my body so tight and
was discovered to be your father trying text messages, and even one snap of nervous? Did God forget that I deserve warmth!
ments.
I felt so bad. I shouldnt have to find your room. Campus Safety offi- your dad trying to get to the belltower,
cers approached your dad as he went Im from Los Angeles. Go Dodgers! Ha ha. So I rea-
deprived them of a single minu- telling you that he was around on cam-
from door to door, reading the names lly would prefer if things would just get a little toas-
te of education about the Habs- pus, but because you have T-Mobile it
tier around here. I tried to make my Norton double a
burgs. These students care so searching for the one that was yours seems like you were the last one to find
Cali oasis, but my roommate didnt like all the sand.
much about European history. even though he helped you move into out that your dad was in Old Kenyon. Theres nothing left to do, really. Just throwing it out
I see the glimmer in their eyes, your NCA at the beginning of the year. Perhaps this is the perfect opportuni- there: Im cold all the time. Its pretty cute when I
said Menard. Tim Scamp 18, a Trying to surprise you by coming not ty to needle him into switching you to complain about it, right?
student in the Tuesday seminar during parents weekend but slightly Sprint like your brother, however youll
described his state at the time as, after, your father was reported to have have to find him first, reports having Well, I have to go strum my guitar now, but nice tal-
alarmed several students on their way last spotted him wandering out to be- king to you all! n
I was on Adderall. n
to take showers. hind the Tafts. n

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING


THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2016 3

Student Life NEWS

BREAKING: Cinearts
to Only Screen Youtube
Videos with Zero Views

GUND GALLERY Speaking for the first


time following their self-imposed exile,
the leadership of CineArts announced
that they would only be showing avant
garde streamable content this Fall. After
much deliberation, our organization
has come to the conclusion that the only
redeeming artistic visions that remain in
this increasingly Sandler-esque landscape
are to be found on the world wide web,
said CineArts President Alfred Kuleshov
with a twitch in his eye, adding, but we
must be sure that no one has tainted them.
No one. Using a special website known as
petittube.com, the Council of Cinematic
Arts can cycle through the most barren
sections of YouTube and return with videos
that even David Lynch would think were
weird. At press time, the organization
was also moving forward with Movie
Burning Mondays at the BFEC to dispose
of any film that met at least one of three
requirements: positive audience score on
Rotten Tomatoes, actors that people have
heard of and any semblance of plot. n

Op-Ed: More Magic at the Horn, Please! Can Anyone Give Me

by RUFUS the ENTHUSIAST a Ride to Colombus


the one my cool cousin Ian took me to in I mean, Hey, Im not a magician. Ne-

I
San Diego. ver said I was, just an enthusiast. But
went to the Horn last Friday to
Dont get me wrong, I like low-fi pop- the Horn is our one venue for student
in Fifteen Minutes?
catch the Booftuber show, and
it was alright. I dug the jangly punk skinny white boy bands too. But sponsored entertainment, and 0% by JACK BOOTHS-BABY 19
sounds coming through the closed glass when all the Horn does is book bands like of artists this year have been magi-
doors as I stood outside with other kids Trophydick, Fertile Crescent, Butterpuss, cians. n Hey, sorry guys, I know that this a little
smoking. We had a good talk about how we Guatamelon, and Pork Stranglers, its hard late, but can anyone give me a ride to
all liked 90s hip-hop, and after the show to imagine ever seeing real, magical, enter- Columbus within the next 15 or so minu-
tainment. tes? I cant think of a good excuse right
a funny senior made a joke about going to
The Benny Fantastic show in San Diego this minute, but Ill probably settle on I
the Cove, and then I went home.
missed my bus or my ride died of dy-
But after the show, I kept feeling so-
sentery. Truth be told, I just kind of for-
mething was missing. A certain sense that
got because my mom usually takes care
the entertainment was not everything it Id love to see a real bona of those things. Anyway, I can provide
couldve been. It needed a bit more piza-
zz, perhaps a bit more flash, just a dash of
fide magician come to wow snacks that you cant really eat becau-
se youll be, you know, driving. And Im
magic. us with illusionary prowess pretty good company, so hopefully my
Booftuber was fine, and their stickers jokes will make you forget what a major
were really neat looking. But there wasnt pain in the ass I am. Oh, I also dont like
a dove in sight, not a single card trick, or the music that you play but Ill bob my
any audience participation. You really need was the highlight of my summer. He pulled
head slightly to make it less weird for
that stuff if you want to attract a wider de- a dove-tail shuffle out of nowhere, and he
the both of us. Thanks in advance!
mographic to the Horn. had Cardini Rings that could stupefy Criss
Id love to see a real bona fide magician Angel. Im not saying the Horn has the re-
Also, if anyone has seen my room key
come to wow us with illusionary prowess. A sources for someone like Fantastic, but an-
its small, metallic, indistinguishable,
show where my understanding of physics is ything to appeal to the magically inclined.
and probably somewhere on South Cam-
challenged and the charismatic deception of Throw us a card-trick! A simple mirror- pus. Thanks guys!
the magician reigns supreme. A show like illusion would even suffice.
THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2016
4

OPINION Local voices


Point Counter-Point
Youre in my Sexuality Class, Youre in my Sexuality
Want to Compare Notes? Class, Want to Fuck?
by ORD DIMMESDALE

H
ey Jenna! I was a little confu- Hey, Jenna. I dont really know what this class is
sed during the lecture today about. Sex, right? Ha ha. Anyway, wanna fuck? I have a
when Professor Beest was tal- big big penis. Youre pretty hot, especially when youre
king about the protein theory and how it talking about the patriarchy in class. What is that? Ha ha.
institutionalizes aggressive masculinity.
I love smart chicks. Im pretty busy wearing sweatpants
Want to meet up sometime tonight and
study together? Im pretty worried about and touching my balls right now, but Id definitely make
our midterm, if Im being honest with you. time for you if you want to come over. LMK if youre
Anthropology is a passion of mine, but its DTF. n
never been my strongest subject. What if I
slip up and mistake Ernestine Friedl with
Sarah Hardy? Id sure feel better if youd
compare notes with me. n

Junior Buys Mini Sombrero for Dorm Cactus,


Sighs, Carries On
THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25TH,, 2016 5

Current events in the Village LOCAL


OP-ED: The Leaves Are Changing And Im Insecure
About My Place in Their Friend Group
by SQUEEPS McQUEEPS

Oh geeze, guys. Okay. Weve been at this school things


for a while now. How long? I dunno. Two years? Were
growing up and being big dang ol adults with each other and
becoming the people our parents knew we would become,
but maybe were growing too much?
I know what youre thinking: Squeeps, you say (I say
hey), whats got you taking the express bus to Frowntown?
Heres the thing: the leaves are changing and Im insecu-
re about my place in their friend group.
I know it seems odd. I know its probably nothing. The
leaves and I have been friends for a while now but I feel
theyre growing apart from me. Those sylvan fuckboys and
I bro-down pretty hard, and Im afraid its slipping through Now a few of them have started producing antho- wants to retract vital pigments from his extremities to
my fingers. cyanins, thus further increasing their autumnal splen- brave the harshness of winter, but its really just so-
At first they stopped producing chlorophyll and started dor and making me feel like one left out dude. mething you have to discover for yourself, ya know.
absorbing it, which was like woah, but Im cool with it. If Ive tried changing for them, too. Many a day Ive But like why did they all decide to do it at the same
theres one thing Squeeps dont do, its yuck the yum of his painted myself red and spent hours sunning my nude time? I get that the coming subfreezing temperatures
compadres. Besides, it was nice for a while, they were color- body on the branches of a stately ash tree. Every time I and low levels of sunlight will make the various me-
ful and I was cool with that. It was cool to just hang out with do it though, I cant help but wonder, is this really me? tabolic reactions occurring within them not worth the
a group of guys whose carotenoids were just, like, out there A lot of the leaves are living in an NCA this year, energy it takes to keep them active, but why do the leafs
you know? which I thought woulde be fine because a few other lea- all have to do this at the same time?
But Derek and Zack shared an apartment this summer ves were living South, but they kinda fell into their own Well anyway, thanks for listening, man. Lets do the
when they both had internships in New York, and I feel like auxiliary friend groups, which has been weird. hang thang sometime. n
two leafs dont go to a city like that together and not change. What am trying to say is, sometimes a guy just
I was just back home.

An Apology to My Non-Fiction Class: I Promise Students Choi-


PEIROGI ME MOMMY
My Essay About Killing My Non-Fiction Class The year? 2016. The place? Peirce. Et moi? A tall
long willowy boy. In the Fusion line. WHy? Pirohy,

Wasnt About This Non-Fiction Class pyrohy, varenyky


p e i r o g i e s.
Ive been waiting. Every morning at 3 a.m., I wait.
by [REDACTED]
I wait for Peirce Hall, my only Facebook friend, to
post the menu. And then I check and I check and

D
Yes, the piece may borrow from some of your phy- I check and I write every day on their wall pei-
ear Kenyon Community,
sical likenesses but the 62 caucasian ultimate frisbee rogiespierogiespeirogies and finallyFINALLY, at
player who is reliably unattended between the hours of
looooooong last
10 and 11pm is not Mark Burkowitz. And yes, the main
I am sending this letter to our colleges distinguis- all i can say is come and get some pierogis
character shares my name exactly (except for where he
hed newspaper so that I can explain the recent events Oh yesyesyesyessss
is referred to as The Hydra Head of Wisdom) but this
in a publically evaluated forum. I knew when I enrolled
is mere coincidence and the consequence of our collec- I am wearing my best shirt. I am wearing my best
in a creative writing class I would be faced with criti-
tive imaginations running too wild. I promise, I have no pants. I am clean. I am the most clean. I am at the
cism, and indeed the last piece I brought into class was
bloodlust except to kill it in this intro class. front of the line. I wave at Lisa. I smile at Cheyen-
perhaps cruelly criticized by all of you. However, in no
I leave it to you, my honorable peers. If any of you ne. I am ready. I am very very very ready. As the
way was I prepared for the blowback to my most recent
wish to discuss it further, meet me at the gap trail at 1am
personal essay, My Non-Fiction Class Slaughter. When delectable odors of fried butter fills me and my
tonight. Do not tell anyone where you are going. Bring
my writing was described as meticulous, I never thought holes, I feel the arrival. The rapture. I am wrapped
an open mind and noise cancelling headphones if you
it would be in reference to how detailed my supposed in unleavened dough. I am potato mash. I am fried
have them.
plans to kidnap and murder all 10 people in my seminar
onions.
on the Gap Trail. Yes, I am a vivid writer, but I assure
Best, When I receive my receptacle, I will retreat to my
my fellow class members, this essay was not about you.
Cletus M. Carrot den of the lower Peirce computer lab and begin
The criticisms I got such as it mentioned my room
Class of 2020
number and how did you get my class and workout my transformation taller, longer, willowier I
n
schedule and its unfair to kill me first because Im will be free. I will be home. My love. My life. My
lactose intolerant are totally off-base. Publically, I want hands. These hands. Th-these
to say that Smarah Smaplan is not Sarah Kaplan. I think
Marsz, marsz, Dabrowski, Z ziemi wloskiej do
any close reader could see that with their own two eyes.
Polski... n

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6

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