Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 7, Issue 6 February 27th, 2015
Automatic Toilet Competes in Swim Meet, Disqualified for Early Start
by Sidney Applebaum
KENYON ATHLETIC CENTER A
local toilet was disappointed on Sun-
day after coming home empty-hand-
ed from a swim meet against the Ohio
State University. The automatic toilet,
competing on behalf of its home bath-
room at the Kenyon Athletic Center,
was disqualified for an early start.
Wow, I really let the shit hit the
fan with this one, the commode stat-
ed in a post-meet interview. I think
I saw a fly slowly inching its way to-
wards the edge of the pool, and I took
that slight motion as an excuse to just
go ham.
The potty also wanted to empha-
size that this lackluster performance
is not indicative of its overall skills.
For some reason, I just had this
insatiable urge to start moving at a
completely inappropriate time, the
porcelain throne explained. The
other swimmers had barely even put
their butts in the air.
Kenyon swimming coach Roger
Robertson agreed that the race was
unexpectedly crappy.
For a state-of-the-art motion sen-
Hapless Sophomore Forgets How to Flirt
by Irving Mellish
THOMAS HALL Investigations
remain ongoing after what has been
called attempted flirting over brunch
Sunday morning.
Witnesses report that Sandra Flan-
nery 17 unsuccessfully tried to woo
one Matt Ganesberg 16 in the omelette
line.
It was really kind of sad, fellow
omelette lover Catherine Kennedy
reported. Sandy was being all arm-
touchy and giggly, but Matt pretty ob-
viously just wanted some eggs.
Flannery recently ended a long-term
relationship with her high school boy-
friend and has since been seen commit-
ting acts of attempted seduction at vari-
ous locations around campus.
I keep telling Sandy she needs to
cool it, reported Flannerys roommate,
Angela Hardy 18. I keep finding her
at Old Kenyon parties trying to talk to
th e k e n yon collegiate
The commode employs a wily technique to keep from early starts in the future.
sor toilet, I really expected it to be at
least number two, maybe even num-
ber one, Robertson explained. Like,
whats the deal? Are you personally
I really let the shit hit the fan
with this one, the commode
stated in a post-meet interview.
offended by the presence of anyone
who doesnt follow the same weird,
erratic schedule?
The automated privy also added
that, in the future, it sincerely hopes
senior boys, hanging out in the Caples
elevator waiting for the swimmers to
come through. I guess shes just lonely,
but shes embarrassing herself.
AVI employee Francene Harsh re-
ported that Ganesberg seemed really
flustered and looked awfully red in
the face, by the time he reached the
head of the line.
I could hear that girl giggling at him
Sandy was being all arm-touchy
and giggly, but Matt pretty obvi-
ously just wanted some eggs.
over everyone else in the servery, said
Harsh, but she wasnt saying anything
funny. Something about her sleep ap-
nea. It was hard to tell, though; she was
just giggling so much.
Ganesberg was equally bemused by
the incident, and expressed disinterest
Continued on page 2.
to improve its form.
I know I kind of dropped a bomb
today, but I promise I am going to
keep honing my technique, the turd
pond assured its audience of two
urinals and a turbo-powered bidet.
Ive been focusing on my freestyle
recently, but my times still arent
quite where I want them to be, so I
plan on staying after practice every
now and then to swooooooooosh
sweeeeeeeeeeeesh SWOOP! Sor-
ry, guys! Did it again.
InstaGraham App Enables Gund to Post Selfies,
Hideous Modern Facades
by Kat Schrodinger
Sources report that local software de-
velopers released a new iPhone appli-
cation, InstaGraham, enabling alum-
nus Graham Gund 63 to post selfies
alongside hideous modern facades.
The app made its debut on Tuesday,
with Gund posting a picture of his
face, clearly filtered to detract focus
from his imposing eyebrows.
Were all overwhelmed by the
possibilities that InstaGraham poses
to both the architectural and Kenyon
communities, said Gambier local
Aiko Nakamura, one of the chief soft-
ware engineers involved in the apps
development. InstaGraham, with
its incredibly specific focus on Gra-
ham Gund and only Graham Gund,
provides something that this commu-
nity clearly needs more of: the name
Inside This Issue
Middle Path Concussions
Build Character, Says
Trustee From Hawaii
Vacation Home
Weather Just Punching
You in the Dick at This
Point
Math Department Ex-
tremely Into Being Math
Department
Cove Bouncer Says Tod-
dler in Wig is Good to
Go
Gund.
To date, InstaGraham has 73 im-
ages, all uploaded by its single user,
DamnItFeelsGoodToBeAGundster.
It has been received with intense en-
thusiasm by the Kenyon community,
many of whom have deleted their In-
stagram accounts so they could bask
- nay, revel! - in this higher form of art
afforded to us.
Im a fan of the app, I must say,
said Gund, briefly after uploading a
metallic, grayish-green rendering.
This building here - see, this is struc-
tured to look like an alligator carcass
thats been dead for three weeks. I
think the form is really something,
here. Maybe well see about putting
it beside Horvitz - it could be called
Gund Carcass. What do you think? Do
you like it? Tell me Im pretty.
1
Kid in Shorts Burned at Stake for Witchcraft
by Sidney Applebaum
PEIRCE HALL A horde of blood-
thirsty students and faculty mem-
bers howled with glee as Brian Jen-
kins 16 was finally burned at the
stake for the loathsome witch that
he is.
For three winters now, Brian
has consistently insisted on wearing
shorts despite sub-zero tempera-
tures, copious amounts of snow, and
weird leg hair, James Jameson 16
explained. After careful investiga-
tion into the source of Brians short-
wearing ability, we as a fiery swarm
of concerned citizens have collec-
tively decided that witchcraft is the
only possible explanation.
Indeed, after a group Bible
study supplemented by excerpts
from Heinrich Kramers seminal
witchcraft guide Malleus Malefi-
carum (1487), the mob determined
that witchcraft was the only way
that Jenkins could have withstood
the frigid cold while wearing only
a pair of navy blue athletic shorts
and a t-shirt with the slogan Cant
Read My Poker Face: Spring Break
2009.
I mean, I cant speak for the rest
of the group, or at least not while
theyre busy sharpening their war
scythes, Jameson continued. But
generally speaking, I think that ev-
ery single one of us was able to un-
equivocally conclude that evil most
foul has been afoot in our village.
According to Health Center, Amount of Blood in Your Stool Just Right
by Anna Feldspar
HEALTH CENTER Sources close
to the Kenyon College Health Center
report that test results are in, and the
amount of blood in your stool is noth-
ing to worry about.
The notion that finding blood
in your stool can be a sign that you
might have bowel cancer is really
nothing more than an old wives
tale, Director of Student Health
Maggie Tres-Osos Smythe asked us
to tell you. If anything, it means that
youre extra healthy because your
heart is making EVEN MORE blood
than usual! Thats where blood comes
from, the heart!
Some students have no blood at
all in their stool, reported Tres-Osos,
and others have way too much, but
yours is just right!
Sources at the health center as-
sured the Collegiate that the rest of
your symptoms were similarly trivial.
Chief Healer Papa Jeppy explained
that your blurred vision is prob-
ably just a sign that youre an Oracle
whose second sight is awakening.
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
The shorts-wearing witch attempts to make his escape.
We immediately began to prepare
the funeral pyre, and we instructed
Campus Safety to sent out an in-
formative email warning those who
might be tempted to partake in simi-
lar styles of sorcery.
As the good flames of the Lord
engulfed Satans bare-legged bed-
fellow, Jenkins was heard scream-
ing But I AM from Minnesota and
YOU GET USED TO IT AFTER
A WHILE, all to no avail. After
about twenty minutes, all that was
left of him was the soles of his Adi-
The root of the ancient, hallowed, and totally reliable practices of the Heatlh Center.
Most seers, psychics, and telepaths
first awaken during their college
years.
Jeppy, trained in the healers art
by renowned acupuncturist and thau-
maturge Doc Poboy, reports that stu-
dents are often surprised to find that
what they had previously believed to
be symptoms indicative of serious or
even fatal conditions were nothing to
worry about. In this age of WebMD
and the seeming triumph of scien-
tific positivism, most students try to
diagnose their own illnesses using
das sandals.
Overall, I think that our fear-
some flock really started a positive
conversation about witchcraft on
this campus, Jameson said after
the ritual scattering of the ashes
throughout Caples Residence Hall.
If anyone is interested, were also
planning on storming the offices of
the Academy of Motion Picture Arts
and Sciences, demanding to know
why Boyhood didnt win Best Pic-
ture.
misguided mainstream theories of
disease transmission peddled by so-
called medical practitioners. Remem-
ber, only a certified witch doctor can
make an actual diagnosis.
Nurse practitioner Jerry Muldunna
stressed that while your bloody stool
was probably more likely a sign of a
sanguine complexion than anything
troublesome like syphilis, if youre
really that worried about it, you can
leave a coffee tin full of porcupine
quills and pickled mandrake root on
your doorstep at the next new moon.
Flirt, from page 1.
in chatting with Flannery again.
Sandys a sweet girl and every-
thing, Ganesberg wrote to the Colle-
giate in an email, but I have no idea
what she was doing. She started off
telling me she was sleepy, and when I
asked if she hadnt slept well she started
talking about her sleep apnea, and her
recurring sleep paralysis. But not, like,
the sleep paralysis with the old lady in
the corner - Sandy apparently sees a
clown sitting on her chest.
When approached for comment,
Flannery flipped her hair and asked if
she had told us about her night terrors.
QUICK COMPLAINTS
The new printers make it unnec-
essarily complicated to Xerox my
butthole.
Djengis Roundstone 16
I self-deprecatingly joked that
I was hideous this morning, and
my friends didnt disagree vehe-
mently enough.
Heidi Rosencrantz 17
Listen, you little turds, Ive had
it up to here with your paranor-
mative bullshit. Stop calling me
Moaning Myrtle and whining
about how cold it is [in the first-
floor Peirce womens bathroom].
I cant help the fact that Ive been
waiting in this goddamn stall for
someone to hand me toilet paper
for the last 93 years.
Hubert Norville Cornelius IV
21
Last fall, I made an offhand
comment about how I hoped all
the Asian beetles would drop
dead. Considering that this has
since happened, Im now con-
cerned that I hve the ability to
induce death with sheer force of
will, which doesnt bode well for
my roommate.
Elmer Odinson 17
This soup is exactly the right
temperature, but I know this per-
fect level of warmth will be fleet-
ing and illusory, just like my exs
feelings for me. Fuck you, Craig.
Leia Happenstance 15
Some bitch Im Facebook
friends with just stole the name
I was planning on using when I
have a baby in like fifteen years.
Astrid Genevieve was MINE,
Courtney. MINE.
Paisley McKarthy 18
My coffee is weak and bitter,
which is how I feel every time I
try to work out.
Alexander Calamity 16
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