Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 6, Issue 4 November 21, 2013
David Foster Wallace Found Alive, Being Milked By Admissions At Farm
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
THE FARM ON ZION ROAD In
a discovery that has shocked both
the campus and the literary world at
large, sources report David Foster
Wallace was found alive and well
on the Kenyon Farm on Zion Road.
The startling discovery was made this
week by reporters of the Kenyon Col-
legian, who stumbled upon the pre-
sumed-dead author while researching
a piece on the farms kittens.
We were just writing this fluff
piece on the cats, said Melissa Al-
dridge 14. I was taking a photo of
one of them standing on a bale of hay,
and all of a sudden, theres the writer
of Consider The Lobster in the corner
of the barn.
According to a statement pub-
lished by the author after his release,
Wallace was found in a clandestine
barn, where he was regularly visited
by members of the Admissions office.
There, he has been milked on a regu-
lar basis to provide fodder for promo-
tional pamphlets, online video clips,
and general public relations informa-
tion for the college.
Frankly I find it to be a source of
Kenyon Equestrian And Archery Club Co-Host Subjugation Of Kenyon Farm
By Sleepy Spice
KENYON FARM On an otherwise
peaceful fall morning, sources report
that Kenyons student-run farm on
Wiggin Street fell, in a torrent of wan-
ton destruction, to a host of equestrian
and archery club members mounted
on horseback. There were dozens of
them, reported survivor and former
farm resident Thomas Duncan 14.
They came out of nowhere. We never
stood a chance.
Archery club president Donald Har-
relson 15 said that plans to take over
the farm had been in the works since
last spring, when he and Tabitha Chat-
field Worthington 16 of the equestrian
team took HIST 261: The Mongol Em-
pire in World History, together. We
learned about how the Mongols used
ranged cavalry to subdue vast swathes
of the Eurasian steppe recalled Har-
relson, so thats when I suggested to
th e k e n yon collegiate
unfathomable relief that I have been
released from the pseudointellectual
tyranny that has confined me to this
pathetic shack1. While I am elated to
be out in the world again, the clar-
ity and perception this period of sus-
tained disengagement and isolation
has afforded me has proven to be in-
valuable2.
Protests quickly formed outside
Ransom Hall to protest the offices
treatment of the famed author. Dean
of Admissions Raul Menderbahn re-
leased a statement on the colleges
website.
We promise that our imprison-
Tabitha that we pool our respective
clubs resources for a similar venture
here in Gambier.
Chatfield Worthington, resident of
an affluent Hartford suburb and who
began competing in shows when she
was only twelve, stated that she was
motivated by an abiding hatred of ag-
riculturalists. Farm-men weak, fit
only for slaughter, opined Chatfield
Worthington, to see them driven away
in fear, to make the grass wet with their
blood and to hear the skies ring with
their screams These are the good
things in life.
All told, this has been a successful
experiment said Harrelson, for whom
the takeover of the farm is the culmina-
tion of an independent study in history,
but Tabs might have taken it a bit far
burning down the farmhouse like that.
Continued on page 3.
A senior admissions fellow hard at work.
ment and subsequent mistreatment
of Mr. Wallace was done purely out
of necessity for the college, said the
Dean. Lets be real here for a second:
after we built the KAC, we havent
exactly had much to brag about over
here. Josh Radnor can only take you
so far. John Green has given us good
play, but we always need someone in
the crank file.
The statement continued, We are
all ashamed of the offices abuse of
one of our generations most promi-
nent voices, offered Menderbahn af-
Continued on page 3.
You Still Have Forty-Five Minutes Of Seminar Left
By Winifred Sugarbush
TRELEAVEN HOUSE Recent
real-time reports reveal that, despite
your hopeful predicted readings of
the clock it is, in fact, only 9:15 p.m.,
confirming your deep-seated fear that
you still have a full forty-five minutes
of seminar left. Forty-five minutes,
which is precisely three quarters of an
hour, will include exactly 2700 sec-
onds each punctuated by an audible
click of the large clock hanging right
behind you.
Your class, PHIL 436: Perspectives
In The Construction Of Post-Mod-
ern Feminist Ontology, meets every
Wednesday evening from 7:00 p.m.
to 10:00 p.m. Collegiate fact check-
ers confirm that this evening you have
already endured two hours of lecture,
punctuated by apathetic discussion
with your twelve listless and lethargic
classmates. Greta Ransom 16 even
Inside This Issue
Professors Fourth-Grader
Babysits Drunk Sophomore
Nobody Gives A Shit That
Craig 13 Back In Town
Kenyon Girl Just Like Liz
Lemon
Freshman Taking Mid-
Hookup Break Furiously
Googling Clitoris Location
Gambiers First Snowfall
Instagrammed
offered a four-minute diatribe on how
the readings are entities that exist, or
can be said to exist, and how such enti-
ties can be grouped within the hierar-
chy of the post-modern patriarchy, or
something like that, youre not sure.
After an hour and a half of looking
forward to the mid-seminar, ten-minute
break at 8:30 p.m., you rushed to unzip
your backpack only to discover that no
one had texted you. After shooting off
a quick text to your housemates that
read omggg seminarrrr, you filled
the remaining precious eight minutes
of the break filling your water bottle
and standing idly behind your chair.
A full thirty-five minutes later
passed but you still have forty-minutes
left before you can not-so-subtly close
and stack your notebooks, put away
your pens, and tap your feet until the
Continued on page 3.
1
Opinion
Its Lonely Here In The Shallow End
By Jessica Brandon-Travis 15
Kenyon College has overcome innu-
merable obstacles, adapted to myriad
social movements, broadened its
perspective while honoring its tradi-
tions, weathering any storm. Today,
we face a challenge of identity and
of faith a crossroads that must
necessarily define or destroy us.
I am referring, of course, to these
ugly bangs girls stealing all of my
future boyfriends.
One minute, youre chatting up
a good-looking bro in the servery,
and the next thing you know, hes
drifted off to talk politics with
some raggedy, myopic elf. Its the
same everywhere: be it classroom,
pregame, or Old Kenyon bash. These
ill-dressed waifs, with their trade-
mark horrible haircuts and wooden
clogs, are sticking their greasy claws
into all the cute guys. Seriously, what
is this witchcraft? What is it about
Point / Counterpoint
Im Blazing Too Much To Mack
By Sam Anderson 14
Damn, I really need to stop smok-
ing reefer. I really wanted to make
a move tonight. Rebecca and I have
been flirting all week, and I totally
killed it in Russian Lit on Thursday.
Yesterday, her friend Casey told me
that Rebecca was, Very down. I
couldnt wait. Weeks of hard work
had paid off. I started doing all my
reading, made it to the KAC twice a
week. Then I had to go and smoke
pot again.
When we were pregaming Friday
night, Jason offered me a joint. I said
no. Every time I smoke before I go
out, Im too awkward and too hungry
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
pairing blunt, unwashed bangs with
clear-rimmed 80s glasses that makes
Kenyon men lose their shit?
I dont know why I spent all that
time neglecting my personal interests
and dumbing myself down for men if
Im just going to be passed over for
an uppity skank with a personality.
I could have been reading books or
playing competitive sports instead
of devoting hours to the study of
coy hair flips. And what do I get
for my dedication? A chilly breeze
hitting me in the face as yet another
potential conquest runs away with a
mousy, opinionated brunette.
Even my most scandalous getup
earns me nothing but a fist bump
while the potential love of my life
sniffs around some goddamn ugly
bangs girl, complete with patchwork
vest and million-year-old denim
smock. As part of the five percent of
Kenyon who actually check the mir-
ror before leaving the room, as some-
one who has spent years perfecting
her liquid eyeliner technique, Im ap-
palled that apparently all I have to do
is never shower and Ill have a line
of dudes around the block awaiting
the chance to get into my ridiculous
clown pants. Oh, shes complicated?
Shes independent-minded? Right,
well, since I dont have armpit hair
and a bear tattoo on my ass, I guess
Ill just go fuck myself.
to flirt. But after two games of pong
and a shot, I found myself innhaling
the buttery vapor of my demise. I felt
the high come over me, and I knew
I wasnt going to get lucky tonight.
While I enjoyed collapsing into the
warm embrace of a body high, I
knew I wouldnt be embracing any-
body else that night.
Casey and Rebecca came over
to walk South with us to the party.
Upon seeing me, Rebecca imme-
diately exclaimed, Youre high!
to which I replied, No Im not.
Walking South, I found it hard to fol-
low the conversation. It all seemed
meaningless under the glow of
infinite stars.
When Rebecca confided in me
that she, wanted to be a politician, dont need to download them from
I assumed she was being sarcastic.
Laughing, thinking shed know I
wasnt serious, I said, Can women
even vote? She left. Luckily, I had
a Cup of Noodle waiting for me
at home. I rolled a fat doobie and
Googled Free Porn Vids. Im re-
ally blazing too much to mack, but
tomorrow is a new day.
Hey Buddy, My Eyes Are Up Here
By Wiggin St. Roadkill
Ugh, that is the last straw! Listen,
buddy, my eyes are up here. Yeah, I
thought so, I totally just caught you
ogling my chest. I know, I know, my
exposed ribcage looks absolutely
fantastic today, but is it really neces-
sary to just stare at it like that? Ive
been lounging here in the middle of
Wiggin St. for the past fifteen hours
and wow, do I just feel OBJECTI-
FIED.
Thats like, the hundredth person
to check out my tail today. I know
my fluffy stripes are really accentu-
ated by the dried blood caked and
festering around them, but that
doesnt mean you need to make that
face, bike kid. Dont get me wrong,
when I grabbed the rest of that scone
from the trashcan outside Wiggin St.
Coffee and bolted across the road, I
knew the risks of oncoming traffic,
but I certainly didnt know the risks
of oncoming objectification.
I know, I know, all of you need to
get to class or whatever it is you
Im Macking Too Much To Blaze
By Charlie Henderson 14
I really like having a girlfriend.
Steph is really smart, well-man-
nered, and clean. In many ways, she
has made me a better person, and a
bigger man. Now I always turn in
my Russian Lit papers on time, and
supplemented by strong emotional
Ea$ypapers.com. But I do miss
smoking pot.
At eight-oclock on Friday night,
my homie Jeff called asking if I
wanted to toke up. We had been
talking all week about how itd been
too long since wed chiefed, and I
had just downloaded Spliff God-
desses Mixtape #II. When my phone
people do, but if the majesty of my
exposed intestines is too much for
you at eight in the morning, at least
have the decency to avert your eyes.
I may just look like a dead raccoon
splayed out in the middle of the
road, but I have feelings too, okay?
I know that the tire tracks across my
gristle-streaked gray coat really ac-
centuate the luster of my cold, dead
hands, eternally clutched around the
remnants of my final scone, but Im
not blind.
I get why youd want to look. I
know I am one good-looking rac-
coon, but that doesnt mean it makes
me feel very good to have your eyes
fixated on every inch of my body!
Im a proud, independent dead rac-
coon, but even I get a little self-con-
scious sometimes, and I really dont
appreciate your eyes lingering over
my midsection! Even before that
2002 Subaru Outback tore across my
abdomen, effectively separating my
small, fluffy body into two smaller,
less fluffy sacks of bone and rotting
flesh, strewn across one of the main
thoroughfares of this small college
town, Ive felt like I was a little
chubby. So if one more classless
student passes over my eyes, bloody
and bulging from their sockets, to
run their gaze down the length of the
exposed bone of my severed spine, I
will just lose it!
rang, Steph had just put her hand
down my pants while whispering in
my ear, Come with me to the Chas-
ers concert tonight. I was torn.
On one hand, blazing with bros
nearly defined freshman and sopho-
more year, plus hallucinogens are
the only thing that makes the Chas-
ers bearable. Lately, I havent been
smoking at all. Every time I rolled
a blunt up, Steph would text me our
code word for sex (Mango?) and Id
have to sprint north. While my erotic
performance was improving, my
THC tolerance was shot.
I put on our Lovemaking
playlist and succumbed to my
inevitable erection. We then engaged
in reciprocal, mutual foreplay,
feelings and commitment. Suddenly,
Smoke Two Joints by Sublime
came on. How my Spotify wandered
from Forever Blazing to Love-
making, Jah only knows. Man, Im
really macking too much to blaze,
but tomorrow is a new day.
2
Opinion
Kenyon Voices: Grade Inflation ter bottling a freshly squeezed dossier
According to the Office of the Registrar, the grade point average (GPA) of Kenyon students has been steadily rising over the past
decade from 2.75 to 3.25, reflecting a national trend. Researchers are uncertain if this trend is caused by student
excellence or faculty leniency. What do you think?
I think Ill be at the VI
Avery Ray, Professor of
Psychology
The God Of Parties Frowns On Thou
By The God Of Parties
Thou. Yes, Thou. Thou who hast dis-
obeyed my most direct imperatives,
choosing to stay in this weekend
after having two cups of wine at Soi-
ree. The god of parties frowns upon
thee. Hast thou yet comprehended
the whole expanse of the markets
craft beer selection? Waste not my
time with thy useless platitudes, thy
half-hearted excuses of sickness
How Do
Kenyon Students
Use Laptops
In Class?
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
That C+ from my Eco-
nomics paper has probably
matured into an A- by now.
Thanks for the tip!
Sue Hoff 83
and comps. Dost thou endeavor to
incur the wrath of the god of parties?
Declare, if thou knowst all this:
how many shots remain in that bottle
of Malibu sitting on thy dresser?
And shouldst thou speak truly, and in
chugging that Malibu relinquish unto
me the last remnants of thy paltry
excuse for a rager last weekend, my
aggression may be tempered. But,
shouldst thou answer falsely, or with
intent to deceive, know this: the god
of parties bringeth many blessings
to the upright and pious partier. Yet
he bringeth a swift demise to the
indolent indoor kids among us.
Tell me, when was the last time
thou didst find thyself in PEEPs
lounge at 2:30, both hands wrapped
gloriously around plastic cups of
Miller Lite? When was the last time
thou didst stumble aimlessly from
the duplex, thy whole body reeling
OK, our grades are rising
and everything in history is
tied to class struggle and,
uh, um. . yeah.
last. By Thursday theyll have settled
Grace Thomas 14
from the innumerable poor decisions
thou didst make in that dilapidated
rage den? What hath happened to the
eager-eyed freshmen who pregamed
Wednesday night DKE wing nights,
all too happy to appease the god of
parties and let my blessings wash
over them? What hath happened
to the former high school honors
student taking shots of 151 in her
friends friends boyfriends carrel
before going to the Cornel West talk?
The god of parties beeth disap-
pointed. This college on a hill hath
proven merely a shadow of what
it once was. No longer shall this
institution receive my blessings, for
no longer shall I watch as students
cavort mirthfully in dorm rooms
and New Apts, NCAs and Tafts. For
shame, Kenyon College. For shame.
DFW Milk, from page 1.
of material, and will hope to capital-
ize on our schools association with
him in a more tasteful manner in the
future.
1: The word may derive from the Na-
huatl (Aztec) word xahcalli or adobe
house by way of Mexican Spanish xa-
cal/jacal3 which has the same meaning as
shack. I use this word in full knowledge
of its ancient, meaningful latino-american
history to express the horrible nature of
the dwellings wherein I spent this tortur-
ous period.
2: Also, the farm kids are excellent
chefs and make a mean eggs benedict. My
highest recommendation.
3: (credit to wikipedia)
Subjugation, from page 1.
Soon whole world will fear my
name, declared Chatfield Worthing-
ton, who attended the prestigious New
Haven Academy for Girls.
Professor of History Rachel Hol-
lenbeck expressed doubt that the newly
established Zion Road Khanate would
into their new role as a decadent ruling
elite, and by the time were back from
Thanksgiving break theyll have suc-
cumbed to infighting and succession
disputes.
Chatfield Worthington could not be
reached for further comment despite
repeated entreaties from the Collegiate
staff as she was busy plotting the con-
quest of Hartzler Dairy.
Seminar, from page 1.
precise moment you zip your back-
pack, stand up and triumphantly get
the fuck out of seminar. Sources report
that you have tried both taking exten-
sive and organized notes of the discus-
sion, even as it veers into the tedium
of post-structuralism, and tracing and
retracing the doodles in your margins.
Despite your last-ditch effort to sigh
away the time, the cold fact remains:
you still have forty-five iterations of
minute after excruciating minute left
before this class is over.
Retractions
The Kenyon Collegiate regrets it took
us this long to poop on the Old Kenyon
bathroom floor in PEEPs division.
The Kenyon Collegiate totally left its
jacket on the table in New Side but had
no intention of returning. We regret
your meekness to not just move the
jacket and sit there.
 Fedora-Clad Dude Performing Alarmingly Well In Human Sexuality Class
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
SAM MATHER Sources report
Francis Perez 16 has quickly made
a name for himself in PSYC 391:
Human Sexual Behavior, as both a
sexual expert and a fashion-forward
headwear enthusiast. Perezs peers
have described his contributions as
unnervingly perfect and uncom-
fortably consistent.
He sits right up front in every
lecture, and you can just watch
that little plaid fedora bounce up
and down as he nods his head and
scribbles notes, said Jennifer Quan
14. Like, he knows more about the
foreskin than I thought was pos-
sible.
The hat to which Quan refers is
apparently just one piece of the
freshmans elegant headwear col-
lection. According to his roommate,
Jon Movson 16. Perez owns at
least one Fedora for every day of the
week.
A couple of them have feathers,
which is nice, I guess, said Movson.
Like, the dude owns a hat rack. Its
like, well, yeah.
Perezs arrival in the class was not
without controversy. Im not gonna
lie, at first I was like Who the hell
is this freshman in my 300-Level?
Bitching And Moaning Concentration Announced For 2015-16
By Ricardo Carrigano
EDWARDS HOUSE The Office
of the Registrar announced that for
the upcoming academic year it will
add an interdisciplinary concentra-
tion, open to all majors, in Bitching
and Moaning. Citing the majority
of the student body already studies
Bitching and Moaning (BM) infor-
mally, the registrar explained the
move as only fair to allow for credit
where credit is due.
Weve also accommodated loads
of independent studies in the past,
noted registrar worker Candace Hell-
man, and after processing our 40th
for this upcoming spring semester,
we thought we might as well formal-
ize the study for the next year.
The Kenyon community has reacted
warmly to the new academic op-
portunity. I was wondering when
this [course of study] was going to
be offered, said prospective BM
concentrator Richard Englebert
16, and since my whole class, but
especially me, got so totally fucked
by scheduling this year, I really cant
wait to hone my scholarship. He
also indicated that he plans on doing
fieldwork for BM credit by spend-
ing every Tuesday and Thursday
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
said Travis Morton 14. But then
he started sharing his notes with me.
You could fill a book with what this
guy knows about ovulation
Other students remain incredulous as
to how Perez obtained his encyclope-
dic sexual knowledge. He has to be
using his smartphone under the desk
or something, remarked Michael
Hodgson 14. Theres no way he
could know the length of the average
labia minora in centimeters without
Googling that shit. I wouldnt be
able to figure that out if I had an
actual vagina in front of me.
Perezs incredible performance in
the class has driven some to wonder
if his trademark hat is linked to his
immense sexual knowledge. Class
opinion remains divided on this ele-
ment of the story; some believe that
the hat possesses a supernatural abil-
ity to imbue the wearer with droves
of sexual acts and figures. Thats
the only logical explanation, says
Hodgson. Putting a man on the
moon was less difficult than getting
laid in a fedora in 2013.
When asked to comment on the link
between the fedora and his class per-
formance, Perez mumbled something
unintelligible about the hats shape
aiding in pheromone distribution
and wandered off.
morning in Wiggin St. Coffee to
let everyone how much the internet
blows.
Im really interested focusing
my BM on food and agriculture,
remarked sociology major Ellie
Sanderson 15 since Ive been
bitching about there being nothing
to eat at all! in Peirce these last three
years. Im probably close to 10,000
hours of Peirce griping. AVI worker
Gertrude Winston confirmed Sander-
sons Peirce-time whining prow-
ess, noting the forceful huff that
Sanderson leaves the servery with
at nearly every meal. I have never
seen someone roll her eyes so much
and so hard when the coffees not
done brewing, remarked Winston.
Professor of History Margaret Reyn-
olds lauded the decision. Now that
all the energy some of my students
devote to their meltdowns over a B+
can go toward fulfilling graduation
requirements, offered Reynolds, I
can stop entitling their mediocrity
and just go ahead and mark their
work with what it deserves.
Bookstore To Stock Four-Thousand Dollar Bespoke Armani Suits
By Sleepy Spice
KENYON BOOKSTORE Hop-
ing to capitalize on recent financial
good fortune, Bookstore owner and
manager Wallace Michaels an-
nounced last Friday that the Kenyon
College Bookstore will be expanding
its business to offer bespoke formal
menswear. sultants will be kept on retainer.
I think the reason your bookstore
has been such a resounding success
story is that we really know our mar-
ket. said Michaels. Your bookstore
knows what students want. Nothing
says purple pride like twenty-dollar
Kenyon Quidditch gear and one-
hundred and fifty -dollar Gortex
windbreakers.
Michaels specifically cited the
addition of thirty-five-dollar cut-
ting boards,bearing the school seal,
among other fine additions to the
flowering of Kenyon logo-goods,
to the inventory as the driving force
behind last quarters record profits.
We sold, like, three hundred of
them.
Hoping to build upon the storied
profits, the Bookstore has success-
fully negotiated a deal with interna-
tional Italian fashion mogul Giorgio
Armani to stock select items from
the ready-to-wear Armani Collezioni
catalogue.
Guy In Biker Gang Took Your Bike For Joy Ride Across Campus
By Kat Schrodinger
MIDDLE PATH Sources report
that a member of the infamous
Kenyon Gang o Bikers (KGB) bor-
rowed your bike from Peirce yester-
day evening and rode it a whole 400
meters to Rosse Hall. There, it was
left against the steps, balanced care-
fully with kickstand extended and a
note that read, Thanks! Sorry!
Responsible for several bike thefts
of similar gravitas in recent weeks,
the culprit has cruised cycles to Cro-
zier, brought bipedals to the Bolton,
and even relocated racers to Ralston
House. The suspect is described as a
63 white male with a shaved head,
copious tattoos, and a kindly glint
in his eye. Though he purportedly
goes by the alias Snake, his actual
identity is suspected to be mild-
mannered Jeffrey Summers 15.
When questioned, Summers last
victim, Erin Potter 16, said tear-
fully, It makes me sad just thinking
about someone stealing so heart-
lessly like that. Why would he take
my bike and move it two buildings
over? Like, firstly, how could he do
such a thing doesnt he have a
conscience? And secondly, it liter-
ally makes no sense. Why couldnt
Winter formal season is just
around the corner, Michaels
remarked, so what better place to
show your bespoke merino wool,
three-piece off to your peers than at
the Ganter?
Michaels indicated that for the
student with more discriminating
tastes, several Armani style con-
Inquiring students may schedule an
appointment in one of three fitting
rooms, located in the newly rede-
signed textbook section.
When asked if expanding his busi-
ness to include top-of-the-line Euro-
pean formal wear was irresponsible
in the current economic climate,
Michaels demurred. Of course not
this is only the beginning. True
entrepreneurs are always thinking
outside the box.
While the intrepid manager
expressed dismay at not having any
fine commemorative dishware avail-
able for the holiday season, Michaels
hopes to have totally phased out
the stores writing utensil section to
make room for Swarovski crystal
figurines by mid-February. As the
college continues to promote its
New-Ivy brand status, we wanted
to stay ahead by stocking crystal
chargers inscribed with Kokosing
Farewell.
he just fucking walk?
This vile theft, and its nebulous
motive, has left law enforcement of-
ficials, including Campus Safety and
the Knox County Sheriff, unsettled
and wary. Were on the lookout for
the culprit, said safety officer Mi-
chael Frost. These are uneasy times
in Gambier, but I dont doubt that
we can once again restore Ultimate
Safety to the students of Kenyon
College.
Collegiate Staff
Sinaloa Cowboys . . . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Human Touch . . . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Blood Brothers . . . . . . . . . .Ricardo Carrigano
The Pretender. . . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Kittys Back. . . . . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
My Hometown . . . . . . . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Bishop Danced. . . . . . .Drexel J. Thrash
Iceman . . . . . . . . . .Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Santa Ana . . . . . . . . . . Tyrone Rosencrantz
Dollhouse. . . . . . . . . . Constance Slurs
Cynthia . . . . . . . . . . Kat Schrodinger
Mary Queen ofArkansas . . . . . . . . . . . .Ezra Post
Thunder Road . . . . . . . . . .Spark Dickman
Rosalita. . . . . . . . . . . . . .Winifred Sugarbush
Lucky Man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sleepy Spice
Johnny Bye-Bye. . . . . . .Irving Mellish
Mary Lou . . . . . . . Bernie Beanstalk
The Boss . . . . . . . . . . .Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis
Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
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