Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 7, Issue 1 September 24th, 2014
Roommate Actually from Hell
by Showtime Henderson
McBRIDE - When Matthew Dinkle
18 first received notification of his
roommate, he did not give much
thought as to what he might be in for.
I was taken back when his name
was Morbuk, Prince of the Under-
world, but its Kenyon. I was ex-
pecting kids to have unique names,
Dinkle said. Sure, hes got some
interesting habits: he says these
chants in a weird language at night
by candles while kneeling in front
of this star shape on the floor, but I
just thought he was Muslim or some-
thing.
When asked about the reports of
levitation and recent desecrations of
religious articles, Dinkle declined to
comment.
Everyone is quirky. Im not here
to judge, he said.
Even at Family Weekend, Dinkle
remained open to his roommates
lifestyle. His dad seemed pretty
cool, but we didnt talk much, Din-
kle said. Things got a little weird
when I found them bathing together
in a cauldron of rams blood, but Ive
Caples Elevator Repainted to Reflect General Kenyon Whiteness
by Kat Schrodinger
Sources report that the once-psy-
chedelic murals adorning the Caples
elevator have been repainted as part of
a studio art exhibition, one which aims
to reflect certain aspects of Kenyon cul-
ture that involve the color white. The
projects collaborators, Highley White
16 and Moore White 17, agreed to an
[T]he elevators over-
whelming whiteness sort of
takes me aback sometimes...
exclusive interview with the Collegiate
about the installation.
I think the piece speaks for itself,
said Moore. Whiteness, you know?
Because look at the, uh, the white
doves above Peirce atrium. The white
accents on Old Kenyons iconic tow-
ers. The historic portraits on our walls,
so many of whose subjects have white,
th e k e n yon collegiate
sexiled him a few times, I guess this
is fair.
Really, Im counting my bless-
ings, Dinkle later added. The guy
Everyone is quirky. Im
not here to judge, [Din-
kle] said.
down the hall got drunk and pissed on
his roommates bed! Talk about eter-
nal damnation.
Both Morbuk and his father, The
um, hair.
They told us we werent allowed
to paint over the elevator buttons,
though, said Highley. Which is fine.
With those and the overhead light un-
painted, exactly 82% of the elevator
consists of these remarkably diverse
shades, from bone white to off-white to
alabaster.
We also installed a sound compo-
nent, Moore added. Iggy Azaleas
Fancy now plays inside the elevator
82% of the day. It all panned out per-
fectly.
Some students, however, expressed
unease with the installation. Its not a
huge deal or whatever, its just, the el-
evators overwhelming whiteness sort
of takes me aback sometimes, said
Zhang Lan 18. Like, when I visited
it for the very first time the elevator
doors closed, and I was just like, holy
Continued on page 2.
Morbuk, Prince of the Underworld 18
Devil Himself 49, were noted to
have thoroughly enjoyed the week-
end, laughing audibly at CineArts
presentation of Schindlers List.
At press time, Dinkle was not
present. Instead, Morbuk took the po-
dium and read from a prepared state-
ment. #%@^%#@*&!%@#*&^#@
(*^@!$%^*%, he said before pro-
ducing a small calf from his knapsack
and messily devouring it.
Outdoor Kid Now Indoor Kid
by Anna Feldspar
HANNA HALL - Jerry Gizmo Dan-
gerfield 16, former chill guy and out-
door kid, is reportedly in the midst of a
rocky transition to NARPdom.
Over the last two years, Gizmo has
cultivated a reputation founded on his
athletic prowess, commitment to being
the loudest person at VI trivia, dedica-
tion to his fraternity, and willingness
to turn up at a moments notice.
That all changed earlier this Septem-
ber, when Gizmo got in his third fight
in six weeks. Afterward, roommates
Matthew Westchester 15 and Daniel
MacNamara 16 attempted to restrict
Gizmos range to the extent of their
Hanna triple.
It wasnt easy, stated MacNa-
mara. Battleship and Magic: the
Gathering are pretty poor substitutes
for breaking forties behind New Apts.
And Gizmo loved having free-range
Inside This Issue
Breaking: Sophomores
Homogenous Friend-
group Agrees
Openminded Student to
Try Out Closed-Minded-
ness
Quam Still in Rehearsal
of the campus, hitting up the Cove on
Tuesdays, throwing down at division
three nights a week. But at the end of
the day, Matt and I made a decision:
Gizmos an indoor kid now.
The transition has been anything
but smooth. Hes acting out a lot, re-
ported Westchester. Blaring Skrillex
in the wee hours of the morning, yowl-
ing at passers-by from the window,
Hicks punctuated tense
moments with startling,
carefully-crafted quips.
scratching up the furniture, peeing all
over the place.
Gizmos roommates hope schedul-
ing a few weekly playdates with other
South-campus indoor kids will pro-
vide the former Lords starting quar-
terback with a much-needed outlet. In
Continued on page 2.
1
New High Reaching Kenyon Campus: Riding in Cars
by Phil Tippett
WIGGIN ST. Kenyon is being
hit with an alarming new pseudo-
drug craze popular with athletes and
other upperclassmen: riding in cars.
Concerned about the implications of
intoxication while driving, Kenyon
professors have been researching
the trend.
The head of research, Professor
of Neurochemistry Thelmus Wing-
leton, reported, Theres no medical
basis I can think of for this bizarre
phenomenon, but science suggests
that cars do go faster than walking
students. Perhaps the brain is over-
loaded with sense experience its
forgotten due to students limited
exposure to cars on this walkable
campus.
Researchers have been unable
to experiment directly with this
new legal high, as equipment for
observing the brain is not readily
transportable in cars, but they have
observed the brains of participants
pre- and post-drives. Professors
say that theyve seen significant
increase in areas associated with
pleasure, but have no explanation
yet.
Students partaking in this phe-
nomenon seem to have a propensity
for whooping loudly, blasting mu-
sic, and singing along exuberantly
without caring if they are off-key,
behavior often observed in intoxi-
cated individuals, said Professor
Student Using Practice Rooms Solely to Fart
by Laslo Mandelcorn
STORER HALL - An atmosphere
of relief permeated the basement
of Storer this afternoon when Greg
Lyon 16 entered his reserved prac-
tice room only to find Danny Stein-
berg 17 sitting on the piano bench,
letting one rip. Steinberg reportedly
blamed it on the bench, citing the
audible nature of cheap leather. He
was, however, unable to reproduce
the sound, leading Lyon to believe
the adage, Whoever denied it, sup-
plied it.
Although Steinbergs identity
has just been discovered, Lyon says
he caught wind of an abuse of the
practice room system last week.
As I was packing up this baby,
says Lyon, gesturing to his alto
saxophone, I saw someone leave
that practice room really fast. Right
after that, my buddy Mike nearly
wiped out, staggering back onto his
cello case after only cracking the
door a little bit. Thats when I knew
something really wrong was hap-
pening.
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
An exuberant driver displays some side effects of driving.
String, co-head of research.
Professors have also conducted
interviews with those partaking in
the phenomenon to understand the
experience. Says Lance Boton 16,
Yo, my boys and I have to walk all
the way to South lot, but man, its
worth it for how alive you feel once
youre in the car. Like, the winds
on my face, everything speeds up,
and I just dont have a care in the
world, ya know? Its like nothing
else Ive ever done, man. And Ive
done some shit.
When asked if he could think of
any reasons why driving might
give one a high, Boton said, I
dont know, man, but it makes me
happy and time-efficient in a way
that walking just doesnt do for me.
I finally get what people mean when
they say theyre rolling. Dayum, do
The home of strangely musical flatulent emissions.
Prior to this experience, Lyon
states he was ignorant of any flatu-
lent schemes occurring in the prac-
tice spaces, as Steinbergs emis-
sions were strangely musical. I
thought it was just Phil [Anderson,
14] working on his euphonium
solo, said Lyon. I thought Phil
was so dedicated!
Now that his cover has been
blown, Steinberg admits he must
seek a new bomb shelter. A popu-
lar spot to toot your own hornif
you know what Im sayingis the
Biology Greenhouse. I mean, why
I get it.
The research group is also work-
ing to inform and question those
who have not tried the new trend.
Maya Wan 15 admits, You just see
them riding, windows down, and
you know theyve got something
you dont. Blasting that music, they
seem so truly happy, on another
plane of existence completely, the
idea of time falling away into crys-
talline spirals. That must be what
pure bliss feels like.
The Town Sheriff is concerned
about this new phenomenon, but
admits he can take no legal action
until it is confirmed that driving
causes impaired driving. Theyre
just too happy. I dont understand it,
but I will get to the root of it, god-
damn it!
do you think ECO wont shut up
about Greenhouse Gases?
I will miss this place, he says
wistfully, allowing one last SBD
to pass through his cargo shorts.
You cant beat itthe privacy, the
soundproofing. The way the hot,
stuffy, still air preserves your work;
its essentially like a fart museum.
Steinbergs eyes glaze over as the
fart cloud rises. He stares off into
the distance and says to the empty
music stand, I guess I could always
take up euphonium.
Whiteness, from page 1.
shit, I sorta stand out, huh?
A student movement, spearheaded
by Andres Rivas 15, has risen to advo-
cate for the installation to be repainted
bit by bit. I know they cant change it
overnight, even if the administrations
on our side, said Rivas. But I just feel
like ... wheres the lime green, you feel
me? Can we get some fucking cobalt up
in here?
The siblings expressed confusion
over other students qualms. I dont
get what the problem is, Moore said.
Everybody still gets the same elevator-
riding experience.
Do you think people are mad be-
cause they think its a like, a race
thing? Highley added in a hushed
voice. That doesnt make sense --
were not even white. Were 25% Ger-
man, 50% Anglo-Welsh-Scots-Irish,
and like, I think theres some Native
American in there?
Audience, from page 1.
the meantime, they remain optimistic
that Gizmo will find peace of mind.
Sometimes we can distract him with
a laser pointer, MacNamara said.
Thats promising, right?
GOSSIP SQUIRREL
Wakey wakey, Kenyon Lords and
Ladies!
Fresh yearlings have come to
Gambier, but beware: not all are as
lost in the woods as they seem. Quite
a few have been seen in heat and
making mischief on burrows and hol-
lows all across campus. Theyre act-
ing like little pups and kits, if you ask
this rodent, but time will tell if these
critters can last the frost or if theyll
shed all their fur too soon . . .
But all you ally cats on the prowl
for fresh carrion after the weekend
better keep on prancing by, these lit-
tle woodchucks still need to hibernate
before you rustle their leaves. I dont
have to tell you what happens when
you eat a still-green acorn . . .
You know you love me,
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
2
News in Brief
Freshman Boy Explodes!
by Dallas Hernandez
PEIRCE HALL - A corner of
Peirce Atrium has been cordoned
off, and maintenance staff have been
working overtime in the aftermath of
an event bystanders have described
as horrific, yet impressive. Details
are still coming to light, but sources
report that freshperson Mitch Dulles
was observed undulating rhythmi-
cally shortly before an apparent
structural failure in his person.
Vague acquaintances of Dulles
were dismayed yet unsurprised to
hear of his combustion. The guy was
headed towards a burst of some sort,
reported a solemn Dan Mathson
18. Mitch had been acting weirder
and weirder ever since I met him 16
days ago. Im not sure exactly what
caused it, but I think it was probably
related to how horny he was.
Sources report that upon arriving
at Kenyon, Dulles was eager to act
upon an immense mental catalogue
of teenage fantasies.
Yeah, he was ready for it all.
Mitch was all about imagining him-
self knocking boots, said a wist-
ful Mathson. Whenever we played
Gamecube, Mitch would go on and
on about how badly he wanted Sa-
mus to sit on his face and make it
look like a glazed donut. Not a bad
Poli-Sci Zealot Exposed as Heretic
A room of shaken students who hardly know what to believe.
by Irving Mellish
NEW SIDE Kenyons politically
opinionated population received
a heavy blow on Monday when it
was revealed that the ubiquitous
opinions of Poli-Sci major Nate
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
dude, he just couldnt get his mind off
poontang.
Dulles mild roommate, Matt
Berger, talked of dorm life with
Mitch. I remember him coming into
the room and saying, So Claire just
liked my profile picture, do you think
shes trying to fuck? Then she started
following him on Instagram. When
GRAAA ... UNhH ...
MOUTH! [sic]
that happened, he started whispering
about how bad she wanted his tes-
ticles in her hair, said a shrugging
Berger.
Both Mathson and Berger agree:
it was the day before his combustion
that Mitchs condition really came to
a head.
We were in the AD bullseye, and
Mitch was in the corner grinding on a
lamp. I asked him how he was doing,
and all he could say was, GRAAA
UNhH MOUTH, explained
Mathson.
Professor of Physics Tom Cool-
bern was in close proximity to Mitch
at the moment of rupture. When
asked about what he witnessed that
morning, he gave the Collegiate a
brief statement: A kablooie of sig-
nificant size.
OReilly, 15, have been bullshit
this entire time.
Sources report overhearing
OReilly, who had just completed
a research project on the history of
South American drug cartels, com-
paring Colombias Norte del Valle
Peirce Banana Becomes
Self-Aware
by Dallas Hernandez
PEIRCE HALL Sources report an
unprecedented occurrence amidst the
fruit racks of the servery: a single
banana has transcended the void to a
state of consciousness. The discovery
was first made by Sophomore Jonah
Fitzgerald while he perused Peirce
for a healthy, potassium-rich snack.
So there I was, staring at the fruit
tray, when I saw a banana wiggle. At
first I was sure I was being Punkd,
so I did a quick scan for the Kutch,
reported MTV enthusiast Fitzgerald.
Nowhere in sight. I put my hand on
the banana, and I swore it whimpered.
It was wack wack to the max.
Shortly after Fitzgeralds inter-
action, two more students reported
chance encounters with the peculiar
banana. Im not sure what exactly I
saw. The banana was bruised, maybe
crying? said Elena Goren 17. All
I know is that this was way outside
of expected banana behavior. Super
weird to see, especially before my
Sad Marginalized Lives seminar,
which is totally shifting my perspec-
tive on everything and making me
feel, feel so much.
Musa bablisiana, commonly re-
ferred to as a banana in the vernac-
ular, is a tropical berry originating in
Central America. It would appear this
is the first instance of a berry of the
Musa genus achieving sentience.
Cartel to the current situation in
Crimea.
I was totally on board with him
until he pulled that one out, said
Robin Masters 14. He started say-
ing that the Crimea owed Putin her-
oin money and I was lost. Masters
noted that upon further inspection it
became clear that OReilly was un-
aware that the Crimea is, in fact, a
peninsula, not a band of criminals.
Kelly Sheeran 16 counts this
revelation as a major setback.
I just cant wrap my head around
this, said a shaken Sheeran. I sat
with Nate every day at breakfast and
hed give his view on all the articles
in the Times. He sounded so sure of
himself, I just took his word for it.
Sheeran declined further com-
ment, saying she didnt know what
to believe and that she just really
needed some alone time right now.
Anderson Levitt, 15, claimed
to have based all of his political
opinions on OReillys informa-
Lice Bucket Challenge to
Raise New Apt Awareness
by Kat Schrodinger
NEW APTS - With a broken water
system, the ever-insurmountable New
Apt Hill, and - especially - the usual
swarm of insects, the students living
in the New Apartments have endured
a difficult fall. In a video campaign
that has quickly gone viral, New Apt
F-Block residents Charlie Carter 16
and Angelina Sachs 15 seek to raise
awareness about the struggle of life
in the far North.
Okay, okay, is it on? starts
Sachs video. She comes into view
wearing a yellow striped bathing suit,
giggling with Carter, who holds a
large red bucket. All right, Sachs
says, addressing the camera. Im
Angelina Sachs, and this is my Lice
Bucket Challenge. Ill be donating
ten dollars toward a fund for an exter-
minator, and Im tagging my friends
Charlie, Andrew, and -- AH!
Carter upends the bucket over her.
A swarm of lice spills over Sachs
hair. Oh my God, oh my God, she
laughs, the very picture of philan-
thropic joy, as the lice trickle down
her face and neck over her bathing
suit. So fucking gross. Wait, Jesus
Christ, ah, fuck, get them off me,
aaaah help.
tion, including his vote in the last
presidential election.
I voted Romney because Nate
convinced me that Obama was go-
ing to give Texas to Mexico, and
that I would need a passport to visit
my grandma in El Paso, Levitt
said, dejectedly crumpling a news-
paper. But now that I think of it,
his history course was covering the
Texas Revolution at the time, and he
kept referring to the election as the
new Alamo, so who knows.
OReilly was last spotted running
from Horwitz House wearing the
front page of the New York Times
as a hat and waving his graded drug
cartel paper in front of him. When
asked about the allegations against
him, he yelled, As make me an
expert, before bursting into tears
and declining further comment.
Special Interest: My Dad Became a Juggalo
by Jimmy Crispix
GAMBIER Mark Markus 16 has
had an eventful summer after find-
ing out that his father has become
a juggalo. After an eight-hour drive
home from Kenyon, he walked
into his house to find his father, a
48-year-old insurance salesman,
covered in face paint and nailing an
Insane Clown Posse poster into the
wall. Woop woop, we family, he
said over the blaring sound of ICPs
Boogie Woogie Wu, as Markus
walked inside.
It was all downhill from there,
said Markus, reflecting on the
Fourth of July celebration that Dad
arranged. He had all the local jug-
galos over, Markus said. Charlie
Sheen was supposed to make an ap-
pearance, but cancelled at the last
minute for god knows what.
When asked about the rumored
eccentricities of juggalos, Mark was
quick to respond. I had never even
heard of Faygo a few weeks ago,
he said, and now Dads making
me drink it with everything. Shitty
Health Center Collaborating with Special Collections to Contain Bu-
bonic Plague Outbreak
by Anna Feldspar
HEALTH CENTER Many are
calling it the colleges worst epi-
demic since the mono scare of Fall
14, but Mark Shelly of Greenslade
Special Collections and Donna
Schwartzman of the Health Center
think they have finally hit upon a
way to halt the spread of the Black
Death.
As public health experts, we
thought we knew all there was to
know about keeping college stu-
dents healthy, stated Schwartzman.
Its pretty straightforward, re-
ally: exhibiting symptoms of strep?
Heres a pamphlet. Kruds got you
down? Pamphlet. Painful genital
discharge? Well, weve got a pam-
phlet for that too.
According to Schwartzman, the
staffs confidence originated from
the fact that few students return to
the Health Center after their first
visit. After they prescribed Ibu-
profen and lots of fluids for my
vivid auditory hallucinations, I kind
of said screw this, Ill stick to Web-
MD from now on, reported Glen
Lawrence 15.
That confidence was shaken ear-
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Walter Wallace displays newfound enthusiasm for the music and style of band Insane Clown Posse.
grape soda does not mix well with
corn flakes.
It was midway through July,
lier this month as reports of plague-
like symptoms emerged across cam-
pus. There hasnt been an outbreak
of this severity since the 1679 Great
Plague of Vienna, reported the
CDC. As it became apparent that
their current stock of throat lozeng-
es and glossy 3 x 8 trifold brochures
could do nothing to stem the tide of
the Black Death, the Center shifted
its focus to providing hospice care.
Once I heard how bad things had
gotten at the Center, I knew Spe-
cial Collections had to help out,
Wallace said, when he became lost
in the surrealism of it all. We were
going to my cousin Lisas seventh
Clearly, thou needst at least a few pamphlets!
said Shelly, and sure enough, just
across from the first edition Nabo-
kovs were some original 14thcentu-
ry Italian fliers distributed by Pope
Clement IVs medicos della peste.
Of course I had them sent up right
away.
With its new arsenal of late-me-
dieval parchment, the Health Cen-
ter is ready to renew its campaign
of aggressive pamphleteering and
expects to have the outbreak fully
contained in time for midterms.
birthday party, he said, and Dad
was being very normal. Except for,
you know, the chains, long hair, and
binge Faygo consumption.
Other party guests reported noth-
ing unusual about Walters appear-
ance or behavior. Youre telling
me they didnt see anything weird
about a middle aged man covered
in black and white facepaint? Wal-
lace said when informed of others
reactions. He gave her a copy of
Big Money Hustlas for her seventh
birthday, he added.
The Collegiate reached out to
Walter Wallace for comment, but
was only able to reach an answer-
ing machine with a message in no
discernible language.
Collegiate Staff
Avatar Aang . . . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Katara . . . . . . . . Laslo Mandelcorn
Sokka . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Toph Bei Fong . . . . . . . Kat Schrodinger
Prince Zuko . . . . . . . . . . . Lady Lamplight
Princess Azula . . . . . Showtime Henderson
Fire Lord Ozai . . . . . . . . Matches Malone
The Cabbage Man . . . Jimmy Crispix
Appa . . . . . . . . . . . Spark Dickman
Uncle Iroh . . . . . . . . . . . . Ezra Post
Momo . . . . . . . . . . . Anna Feldspar
Ty Lee . . . . . . . . . . . . Phil Tippett
Avatar Roku . . . . . . . Dallas Hernandez
Avatar Kyoshi . . . . . . . Irving Mellish
Guru Pathik . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gardens,
Krusty Burger, Globex Corporation, The
Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Oui Mon-
sieur Clothing for Boys, Laramie Cigarettes,
Legitimate Businessmens Social Club, Mal-
ibu Stacy, The Try n Save, The Quickee
Mart, Kodos, Kang, Canyonero, Moes Tav-
ern, The Leftorium, The Frying Dutchman,
Barneys Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Lu-
igis, Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Dr. Nick
Riviera, Compu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
4