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Inside This Issue Fall Foliage Provides Scenic Backdrop for Students Descent Into Alcoholism
BREAKING: Middle by Sidney Applebaum
Path Bench, New Apts
OLD KENYON The college com-
Jake Willoughby 17, a newly de-
Freshman Girl Offended clared Religious Studies major from
by This Headline Providence, Rhode Island, has been
enjoying Gambiers fall foliage more
than ever as it provides a scenic back-
Indigenous Peoples Soci- drop for his slow, painful descent into
ety Targeted by American alcoholism.
Studies in 2015 Expan- Everyone always talks about how
Kenyon is beautiful in the fall, but this
sion Efforts year in particular has been spectacu-
lar, Willoughby commented over a
Sophomore Desperately double gin and tonic at 10:00 in the
morning. The reds, the oranges, the
Hoping You Ask About green absinthe fairyit really makes Willoughby enjoys the scenic Kenyon October.
His Fraternity you understand the powerful connec- I mean, Im not saying that being And we all have all of these different
tion that we all feel to this place. a raging alcoholic makes me appreci- religions and like, whos to say, you
Willoughby added that the impres- ate this season any more that the av- know? Also, leaves.
Student Group Forgets to sive performance of Gambier trees erage student, Willoughby explained Willoughbys friends added that
Post #RespectfulDiffer- has perfectly complemented the early as he downed his second lunchtime his love of fall, as well as his inco-
ence Picture, Attacked for onset of his battle with alcoholism, beer because it was Wednesday and herent ramblings and loudly shouted
and that the tranquility of the natural he deserved it. But I am saying that,
Non-Conformity world comforts him with every un- like, the world is complex, you know? Continued on page 2.
even step.
th e k e n yon collegiate 1
N o t e s Fr o m A b r o a d From Foliage, page 1.
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 2
Point/Counterpoint
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
Awards, Accolades & Games IN BRIEF
pl ea se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 4
Dad Refusing to Leave Sophomore Girl Goes Gluten-Free, Saves Multiple Glutens
After Parents Weekend by Sidney Applebaum
C olle g iate@kenyon.e d u 5
Professor Ends Email With Ellipsis Just to Fuck With You Arts & Politics
by Kat Schrodinger Kluge, a multi-published author President Decatur Admits He Doesnt Know What the Provost Does
whose work Kirkus Reviews has by Slick Dave stay quiet, and adjust his glasses. The
FINN HOUSE -- Sources report that described as heartfelt, funny and president claims he did this because
Professor P.F. Kluge was spotted poignant, is reportedly well aware RANSOM HALL -- At a board people usually mistake his incompre-
last Tuesday in his office, giggling of the tone that an ellipsis adds to meeting earlier this week, President hension for nerdy charm.
to himself, as he replied to your re- a sentence. According to Punctua- Sean Decatur told trustees that he has President Decatur has since been
cent email regarding his office hours tion Expert-in-Residence Samantha no idea what the provost does. The made aware of the provosts responsi-
availability. Earlier that morning, Lineberger, ellipses [...] although topic arose when board member Rob- bilities. He says that if he had known,
you spent sixteen minutes crafting orthographically used to represent an ert Jones asked the president if new he would not have been so grossly of-
a polite, intelligent-sounding letter, omission in a text, can also create a provost Joe Klesner was doing a good fended when Oberlin offered him that
roughly a page in length. However, tone of aggravation, passive aggres- job. Decatur replied, I am going to position.
Kluge reportedly responded to your sion, or even exasperation. In text- be completely honest, I am not sure At the end of the day, board mem-
email with a total of nine words, end- message format, they are occasion- what that word means. I was under ber Brian Gibson took responsibil-
ing with nothing less than an ellipsis. ally used to lethal effect, resulting in the impression that a provost was one
Transcript follows: an average of four deaths per year. of those guys who helps you choose I am going to be com-
Joanie, yes, I could meet with you When asked to explain his actions, wine pairings at a fancy restaurant. I
at eleven ... [sic] Kluge said, Hee hee hee hee hee.
pletely honest, I am not
am now starting to believe that is not sure what that word
the case.
means.
Freshman Girl, Senior Boy Make Hilarious Joke About Laxa- After the meeting Jones was quot-
ed saying, I thought it was odd when
tives in Peirce Food during the interview process the
president kept pronouncing provost
ity for the confusion. Gibson said,
This one is on the board. We should
by Slick Henderson those in attendance appreciate what with a silent v. Now it all makes a not have assumed that someone with
they bore witness to. lot more sense. such a high pedigree in chemistry and
PEIRCE HALL, 6:32pm - Sources It should be noted that this is nei- When the board was searching for education would know the meaning
confirm that both Abigail Sneevely ther students first foray into comedy a new provost, Decatur would re- of the word provost.
18 and Strom Turpen 15 delighted on the hill. Rather, both are well- portedly sit in the back of the room,
their respective dining hall tables known for an avant-garde style of
with a joke about Peirce food being humor across campus. Turpen can
filled with laxatives, a joke that was often be seen holding court on
heralded as inspired and breath- the South lawn, entertaining his
takingly original. fellow teammates with enrichingly
In this rare cosmic occurrence, witty remarks about how Kenyons
both Sneevely and Turpen recount- female population dont meet [his]
ed the same mindblowingly unique standards. Meanwhile, Sneevely
combination of words at the exact can be found inducing rib-aching
same moment. Professor of Physics laughter with bits on Kenyons lack-
and Happenstance Cosmetology Joel luster sports programs at local open
Barnett calculated the likelihood of mic nights.
an event like this occurring at one in
one-hundred trillion.
Its absolutely stupendous, Bar-
nett said. My only hope is that all
Th e K e n yon Collegiate 6