Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 5, Issue 7February 20, 2013
GroupLove Unable to Appear At Sendoff Due to Tragic Douchebag Factory Accident
By Roy McKluskin
IDAHO The Kenyon Colle-
giate learned this morning that in-
die band Grouplove will not be able
to play Summer Sendoff as previ-
ously planned since every member
of the group was tragically killed in
a Douchebag Factory explosion last
week. The incident occured after
guitarist Andrew Wessans luxurious
blonde hair became entangled in a
machine that normally sews patches
on to trucker hats.
The group, originally produced
by the Idaho-based company Doin
Douches LLC, had returned to the
factory for a tune-up after several
years of touring. We thought they
might need some re-douching after
being on the road for so long, fac-
tory manager Mike Carlyle said.
adding, Prolonged exposure to less
horrible elements of society can re-
ally dull even a finely-honed sense of
baggery.
But things would soon take a
nightmarish turn. When those guys
stepped out of their caravan of Ford
Fiestas and onto the factory floor that
Single Campus Picketing Event Resolves All Problems Forever
By Barker D. Flugelhorn
GAMBIER Sources report that a
campus picketing event held on Middle
Path last week has ended all problems
forever. The picket, organized by noted
problem-hater Eliana Whitboard and
several others, has effectively elimi-
nated even the slightest of discomfort
for each and every Kenyon student.
No other action was
required on the part of
participants.
Whitboard and her team were able to
organize students of all races, genders,
creeds, and classes to band together and
speak out against the scourge of the uni-
versal human problems, ranging from
minor pains in the extremities to soul-
crushing existential quandaries.
I looked around at our campus, and
everywhere I looked, I saw another
th e k e n yon collegiate
day, no one could predict what would
happen, Carlyle said.
He recalled the moments just be-
fore the firey blast: [Bassist] Drew
Walker was sitting over at station one,
applying essential oils to his beard
and snarfing vitamin E pills to en-
hance luster. Carlyle teared up, not-
ing, He was supposed to participate
in the Fort Lauderdale Beardsman
Competition next week.
Several residents living in the area
called the police after smelling a
problem, explained Whitboard. And
I was like, this is not okay. Problems
shouldnt happen to us, plain and sim-
ple. We pay too much money to go to a
school where the administration allows
problems to exist. And just because
theyve been allowed to happen in the
past doesnt make it okay to just sit idly
by and allow them to continue. I had to
take a stand, for me and for everyone
whos ever been affected by a personal
difficulty, no matter how big or small.
Shockingly, absolutely no other ac-
tion was required on the part of the par-
ticipants. Apparently, all the universe
needed to get its shit together was a
single lunchtime gathering, Whitboard
said. She also noted they had tried oth-
er tactics before, specifically, printing
some t-shirts about it to no avail.
During the cure-all protest, partici-
pants held a variety of signs cleverly
expressing the whole spectrum of hu-
man problems. Some of the more popu-
Sadly, all of these assholes died in the fire.
combination of what turned out to be
smoke from burning eighty-five dol-
lar designer socks and weed the band
Grouplove: A legacy of
casual racism and British
spelling.
members had mooched off their vari-
ous groupies.
Carlyle says hell remember forg-
ing the group as a highlight of his ca-
lar slogans of the day included: Hell
No! We Hate Snow! ; Hungry People
Shouldnt Exist! ; Fuck Minor Incon-
veniences Such As Waiting In Lines! ;
and People I Dont Like, Take a Hike!
I am proud to report that the pick-
et had absolutely wondrous results,
beamed Whitboards co-organizer
Alexander Holyoake 14, who has a
personal distaste for cutting his toe-
nails. Now, my toenails I swear to
God cut themselves. Its awesome. I
dont have to do shit. In a recent cam-
pus survey, 100% of the people claimed
that their personal preferences were
now being met 24/7, without exception.
I just wish that we had done this ear-
lier, back when I had to walk to class,
said freshman Kyle Derkins, who now
lives a life entirely free of difficulties or
unpleasant moments. Now, a team of
sled dogs carries me to class. Boom. No
problem. We put our voices out there,
Continued on Page 2.
reer. From the casual racism of their
music videos, to their nineteenth-cen-
tury-woodcut-inspired habit of using
the British spelling for everything,
they made all of us at Douches LLC
very proud. He added, They always
put the music second.
Students like Devin Baldner 13,
head of Kenyons Young Douches,
expressed disappointment at hearing
of the cancellation and the bands
swift, terrible demise. Having them
here would have been such an inspi-
ration to us, Baldner said. Without
leaders like GroupLove, the douches
of tomorrow will have to find their
own way. Young Douches plans to
hold a memorial service where they
will don fedoras and listen to the hit
single Itchin on a Photograph,
which appeared on the Nascar Inside
Line Game soundtrack.
Social Board representatives were
not available for comment, as they
had recently awoken from their tradi-
tional pre-pick drunken stupor and
were busy contacting their second
choice band,CCC, with Dean Hank
Toutains Standup to open.
Inside This Issue
Ethereal Girl Actually 112
Pounds of Bone, Sinew,
and Wiggly Gross Brain
Lords Football Still
Winless In 2013
CA DTF
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Advice and Fashion
Deer Abby
By Abby the Deer
This week, featured guest columnist
and resident white-tailed doe Abby
Specklespot answers questions on life,
love, and surviving the long, foodless
winter.
DEER ABBY: Im in my second
year at Kenyon. All the people I thought
were my best friends for life last year
have turned out to be kind of boring,
and Im taking a bunch of required
classes that I dont like. Now that the
magic of my first year is gone, Im not
so sure I like Kenyon anymore. How
do I get through this difficult time?
Should I consider transferring?
MOROSE IN MATHER
DEAR MOROSE: When I was a
young fawn, my mother was killed by
a hunter. One moment, we were peace-
fully grazing, the sun shining through
Nothing Going to Stop Local Girl From Wearing Fishnets and Floral Frock
By Jack B. Thimbleton
GAMBIER Based on recent weath-
er patterns in the Gambier area, it ap-
pears that neither rain, nor snow, nor
sleet, nor hail shall prevent Tricia Ells-
berry 14 from pairing summery gowns
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
the oak trees, my mother nudging me
when she wanted to point out the most
tender blades of grass, blades she al-
ways saved for me. The next moment,
the dappled light and sacred quiet of
the clearing seemed a lie as I heard
the gunshot. I had no experience with
death. Though I sensed something was
wrong, I thought she was sleeping. Ive
since learned better. Still, I never trans-
ferred to another wood. This place is
my home, I thought, and I will continue
to graze here in my mothers memory.
In other words, hang tight MIM and
consider going abroad for your junior
year if you need a break!
ABBY
DEER ABBY: One of my friends
is getting thin and tired-looking. Shes
hanging out with a new, hard-partying
crowd, but Im worried shes going too
far. Shes barely herself anymore! Is
there a way I can talk to her about her
life choices without ruining our friend-
ship?
WORRIED IN WATSON
DEAR WORRIED: Weve all had
friends whove thought they were in-
vincible, thought they could cross the
road in the middle of the night without
winding up in the flood of a truckers
headlights. If they do survive, they
might end up riddled with ticks, or
worse. It sounds like this situation is
headed for disaster if you dont do
with fishnet stockings.
Changing temperatures and levels of
precipitation have induced the majority
of the student body to adjust their style
to accommodate fuzzy sweaters, ugly
hats, lumberjack boots, and puffy jack-
ets. However, Ellsberry is determined
not to let petty distractions like negative
fifteen-degree wind chill get in the way
of her burgeoning sexuality.
A shivering Ellsberry, whose only
concession to conserving body heat is
to don a light, cleavage-baring sweater,
said, Im really coming into my own
as a confident, sexy woman, as the
bitter wind whipped her playful, tiered
dress against her artfully torn stockings.
Why would I let something like a little
breeze get in the way?
The fearlessly underdressed junior
has reportedly been updating her flow-
ery daytime look for exciting evenings
out, evidently under the impression that
her usual getups display a great deal of
restraint. According to Ellsberry, her
something about it. Honestly, Ive
found that my friends calmed down
once they found a buck and settled
down by having a few fawns, WIW.
Why not take her to a ritualistic antler
clashing and see what happens?
ABBY
DEER ABBY: Im a second semes-
ter senior, and I find myself struggling
with anxiety almost constantly. I cant
shake the feeling that my time at Ken-
yon is running out, so I feel pressured to
appreciate every moment.
The only problem is, appreciating
things makes me so emotional, I start
crying for no reason. My friends are
starting to become annoyed by the fact
that Im mourning this place before Im
even gone. What should I do?
CONSTANTLY CRYING IN
CAPLES
DEAR CCC: When youre feeling
confused or anxious, consider standing
without moving, shivering, and looking
at whatever is scaring you without do-
ing anything about it. Pooping on peo-
ples lawns also helps relieve anxiety,
Ive found.
ABBY
Need advice? Submit your questions by
donning a camoflage outfit and silently
creeping up behind Abby in the woods.
Remember to stay downwind!
evening attire retains the flirty zeal
and relentless garden motifs that char-
acterize her everyday style, but with
less fabric.
Is that even safe? asks close friend
Sofia Hingleton 15, observing Ellsber-
ry stagger towards a Taft in an incom-
prehensible cutout dress. Im pretty
sure shes developing hypothermia in
geometric patterns.
Other classmates have also ex-
pressed concern that Ellsberrys erotic
awakening might be seasonally unwise.
Sophomore Jamie Jones explains that
Ellsberry deserves an A+ for effort
and everything, but is unsure whether
a sexy stare is really appropriate if all
of her exposed skin is blue.
Its not a fit night out for man nor
beast, he continues, but I guess its a
fit night out for a girl in some sort of
cloth bikini and thigh highs?
Sources could not confirm whether
Ellsberry would once again attempt to
sweat through June in a down parka.
Protest from Page 1.
and the community responded. Its a
great feeling, not having a single prob-
lem or even a minor challenge. I dont
have to deal with that shit anymore!
Thanks Kenyon!
While some members of the admin-
istration balked at the sheer immen-
sity of the task of removing any and
all problems from campus life, many
key faculty expressed a vested interest
in fulfilling the request. I, for one, am
grateful that our students were so proac-
tive in spreading awareness about this
issue, the issue of having problems,
said Dean of Students Hank Toutain.
We really appreciate any feedback
were not mind-readers, after all.
How were we supposed to know that so
many students wanted to be rid of all
of the problems inherent to their human
experience? We have the resources to
make that a reality, and we did. All they
had to do was ask.
Plus, he added, not having to
pour my own coffee in the mornings is
a HUGE boon for me. We really should
have done this years ago.
Whether or not the complete lack
of problems of any kind will cause the
student body to stagnate as they drown
in their ravenous materialistic tenden-
cies and become increasingly ignorant
of the tentative, fragile nature of their
precious human existence remains to
be seen.
Collegiate Staff
Clipse . . . Roy McKluskin
Rebelution . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Big Boi. . . .Ricardo Carrigamo
Starfucker . . . . . . . Clams Casino
RJD2 . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Toots and Maytals . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Hood Internet . . . . . Bean Fenrick
Vassar Clemons . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Pat Adler . . . . . . . . . Jefferey Cashpore
Dwayne Johnson . . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
Mac Adams. . . Jack B. Thimbleton
The Romantics . . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
Red Hot Chili Peppers . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
Rank and File. . . . . . . . . Pierre LOuiseauz
Mobooty Funk . . . . . . . Elizabeth Wilkinson
TMBG. . . . . . . . Probably Johnston
Randy Riggle. . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Day drinking, Jhorts,
Manrathon Not a Sprint, Franzia, The
Quad, Bounce House, Funnel Cake, Or-
ange Plastic Fencing, Open Hanna Window,
Mimosas, Free Sunglasses, Inappropriate
Hookup, Noontime Nap, Peirce Hot Dog,
Destroyed Bathroom, New Best Friend,
Pong, Sunscreen, Sunburn, Outdoor Grind-
ing, Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo, The
Knox County Sheriffs Department, Social
Board, CA On Duty, Vague Sense of Disap-
pointment
Consultants . . . . . . . The Forces of Un-Fun
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
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