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Nugent To Travel Exclusively By Peirce Tray As Part of Green Initiative Inside This Issue
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery Quiz: Are You An Olin Or
A Chalmers?
MIDDLE PATH Sources within
the Office of the President report that
S. Georgia Nugent will now travel ex-
clusively by Peirce tray as part of a
college-wide green initiative.
A statement released on the Ken-
yon Newsroom website cited envi-
ronmental concerns as the primary
reason for the 18th College Presi-
dents drastic change in transport.
The makeshift sled, locally sourced
from Peirce dining hall, will replace
the Presidents current vehicle, a Mini Nugent goes for a spin.
Cooper in British Racing Green. Although Kenyons hilly topogra- response to President Nugents glee-
A spokesperson for the President phy makes the sled ideal for campus fully sledding down Middle Path.
acknowledged the shift was certain-
Sophomore To Avoid
travel, it can also be hitched to eight I thought it was just gonna be Internship Rat Race,
ly dramatic, but emphasized the of- members of the American Studies de- an early morning thing, admit-
fices faith in the move, pointing spe- ted Therese Rescotti 14, but I was Start Music Blog
cifically to the sleds 1349% smaller walking back from a film screening
carbon footprint than any available I saw her zipping along chirp- Second-Semester
one night and just saw her zipping
automobile. College administrators ing Im the Queen of the along chirping Im the Queen of the
received the news with warm confi- Trays! as she went.
Freshman Still Crying
Trays! as she went. Over Framed Picture Of
dence. She looks much less stressed,
Provost Nayef Samhat praised his partment to cover longer distances. concluded Marisa Greenscott, Assis- Middlebury
colleagues decision to lead by ex- The sled, christened Nugebud, tant Professor of English, although
ample. He projected that this act will has already created substantial buzz the change hasnt really addressed the Girl Who Calls You
cement the colleges status as a stan- among students and faculty. Wow! number of professors were losing to
dard-bearer of eco-friendly policies. Laayyydeee Doesnt
said first-year Conrad Ballantine in sabbatical next year.
Know Your Name
Hika Successfully Repels Chinese Hackers Junior to Sleep 384 Consecutive Hours Over Break
By Bean Fenrick It was only after a barrage of emails By Lady Lamplight Though Kannur plans to stay mis-
sent to allstu with the heading Rise erable until break begins, he remains
SUNSET COTTAGE An in-depth Up, Comrades! that LBIS Helpline COLUMBUS AIRPORT Sources confident about his plans. He reports
report released by LBIS Helpline last realized what was going on. report that Nate Kannur 14 has de- that he hopes to go to bed immediately
Monday revealed that in the last four I thought he was sending those! cided to stop trying completely and in- after he gets home on Saturday night
months, Chinese hackers have persis- Campbell said. I thought she was stead will return to his Virginia home so as to get in the maximum hours of
tently attacked HIKA, Kenyon Col- sending those! said co-Editor-in-chief and sleep for the entirety of Spring sleep. Every break I joke about sleep-
leges oldest and most prestigious liter- Kris Faar 13, with a laugh. Break. ing the entire time, Kannur said, but
ary publication. When asked why they might have When it came down to it, I just I think I can really do this. This is my
The editorial staff was mystified been targeted, Faar commented that couldnt imagine spending time with
when ninety-four new pieces appeared he thought it was JUST POSSIBLE anyone, began Kannur, I mean, Im He hopes to get to bed im-
in the ACCEPTED folder on the HIKA that a global citizen of the 21st century just so tired. Kannur claims that he mediately after he gets home
google drive, including poems such just MIGHT have heard of KENYON has been working like really hard
as Unity is Strength, Praise Yanan, COLLEGEs premier literary publica- recently, reportedly sleeping from the
on Saturday night.
Song of the Military and Political Uni- tion. hours of 5:00 to 8:00 AM, only after
versity of Resistance Against Japan, Campbell reflected that people of- ordering Papa Johns in a stupor. Kan- year. Its all going to happen. Kannur
and a linked sestina sequence eulogiz- ten underestimate the cultural finesse nur allegedly had the pizzas delivered also claims that he has been training
ing Lei Feng. of the Orient and that, after all, they to Gund Commons, his current resi- for break for the past month by sleep-
I mean, I figured someone down had that cultural revolution and every- dence. ing through most of his classes.
the line had made some bad calls. Who thing. The haggard junior continued, It Kannur has reportedly already add-
could forget the polar bear erotica that While both were shocked to learn of was too much trouble to plan a trip. ed 390 hours of video to his Netflix
we accidentally let in last year? com- the infiltration, the plucky young literati I mean, I would have to pay for gas, queue, which he intends to bring up
mented Tracy Campbell 13, one of the sleep on a couch, and talk to people,
two editors-in-chief. Continued on page 2. and thats a lot to ask right now. Continued on page 2.
th e k e n yon collegiate 1
Administration Installs Neat Ice Skating Rink On Middle Path Letters
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 2
Opinion
Why Not Graft?: A Letter To Whiny CAs This Is Probably Going To Sound Kind of Stupid..
By Snakes Burgen 13 caught having sex with the foosball By Todd Mingle 14 elementary school was really into
table to pay up. I have photos.) nature education.
Do I get paid enough? No. Do I Anyway, its something I wrote
find myself buried under a pile Tim down in my notes for this class, so
Hortons finest baked goods thanks to even if it isnt entirely relevant to the
several pointless morning meetings discussion or too far afield I want to
and a roomy tote lined with Cling discuss it anyway on the off chance
Wrap? Yes. that anybody else might be interest-
Do I get paid enough? No. Have ed in pursuing it.
I successfully managed to be re- I think it draws a lot of similari-
imbursed for four hundred dollars ties to what were doing in my Psych
worth of Southern Comfort because I class right now, but it might also
convinced my supervisor thats how contradict what you said in class last
Walmart refers to chicken and bis- week, professor, if Im remembering
As Community Advisor for the cuits on their receipts? Yes. Yes, thanks professor. I was just your points correctly. Still, I think
Caples Elevator, Kitchen, and Bike going to say, well, I had this thought its so important for us to keep in
Rack, I am deeply saddened that CA benefits include, most while Ben was talking that I wanted mind, even if its just a small con-
anyone would feel it necessary to importantly, Unlimited to share. Look, this is probably go- tribution.
complain that CAs are overworked ing to sound kind of stupid, and I Um, Um, Um, Um. I think...What
and underpaid. There are many non-
Power dont know if this, like, counts for I mean is...Hum.
monetary job benefits such as, but are much substantively. Its sort of pig- Or, I dont know, maybe its a
not limited to: a free single, free Re- Do I get paid enough? No. Do gybacking on Bens thing. I mean, total throwaway comment for all
slife swag (those handsome burgundy I reap the sexual benefits that come Im just spitballing here. Someone I know it has the intellectual vigor
hoodies dont come cheap), moun- with name dropping Alicia Dugas to has probably already formulated this of a coma patient. Let me reiterate I
tains of unwanted pizza left by resi- prospective hookups? Yes. better than I am about to say it, so am not totally, one-hundred percent
dents when they ignore our programs, So my fellow CAs, step back and bear with me. certain of the truth of the claim Im
the opportunity to go on long walks consider. It simply takes an entrepre- Im not totally sure if this is go- about to make, so just keep that in
amongst drunken peers every week- neurial mind and a bit of imagination ing to be right, or if its in the ball- mind.
end, decorative white boards filled to see that the college has built into Speaking of mind, though, I was
with oft-demeaning graffiti, and most the position ample opportunities to Not sure if this is going to be right, listening to Radiolab the other day,
importantly, Unlimited Power. reap benefit outside of those defined or even in the ball park, or the and there was this story about wheth-
Really. What is worth more: a in our contract. er it was the chicken or the egg that
months salary or the opportunity All I ask is that those greedy dis- parking lot of the ball park... came first, and it was just really in-
to wield hegemonic dominion over senters among Reslifes ranks, seek- teresting to me and my comment
a campus domicile? The answer is ing to complain their way into a fair park of being right, or even in the is kind of like that, I guess, in that
clear. A CA wields the power to is- salary where they can make mini- parking lot of the ballpark of be- Im not sure whether the reading
sue write ups, an apt means of black- mum wage for all the work they ing right. It may not even be in the made me think of what I am going
mailing your way through college. do on a daily basis, sit back and woodland area surrounding the park- to say or if what Im going to say
The amount of money I have raised reevaluate the perks of the position. ing lot of the ballpark of being right, brought about the, the...okay, I guess
from bribes alone matches, if not sur- You too can reap the benefits of ex- which reminds me of this one time that figure is kind of falling apart.
passes, my stipend! (Now would be torting your peers for a living! my third-grade class took a field trip Let me start over. I just really want
a good time to remind the student I to the local wood in our area my to say...
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u 3
Voices
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 4