Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 5, Issue 4December 12, 2012
Sheriff To Go Fuck Himself By Popular Demand
By Barker D. Flugelhorn
GAMBIER Sources within the
Knox County Sheriffs Office report
that after years of countless requests
by disgruntled students, Sheriff Hen-
ry Trundle will finally proceed to fuck
himself.
Sheriff Trundle, whose disciplin-
ary actions against inebriated student
offenders have raised quite a num-
ber of middle fingers over the years,
hopes his decision to fuck himself
will help students realize that hes
not as out-of-touch as they might
think. You know, said Trundle, its
a suggestion Ive been hearing for
years. And I havent heeded it in the
past, and I regret that. But Im doing
what I can now to do whats right for
my community. I hear you, students
of Kenyon, and I assure you that
this sheriff is an accountable sheriff.
The next time you see me, I will be
a freshly self-fucked county official,
ready to serve my community.
Victims of the sheriff unanimously
praised the decision. I said it long
before he got me for peeing on the
side of the bookstore, began Tyler
Dawson 13, a frequent public uri-
nator. Zipping up his fly outside the
All Women The Same, Reports Guy Not Getting Laid Tonight Emotional Manipulation Actually Worlds Largest MMORPG
By Clams Casino
THE COVE According to sources,
Mikey Schoeber 13 loudly hit on,
complained about, and wept over
women while eating a large amount on
wings on Saturday night.
Sources report that although Schoe-
ber tends to pine for women who he
considers more desirable than him,
most would in fact be amenable to
the idea of spending time with him. In
spite of this fact Schoeber continues to
blame not getting laid on the fact that
he is the artsy one in the family and
that women only go for alphas and
that he is too nice rather than the
reality that Schoeber is morally repre-
hensible and devoid of social tact.
Schoeber came up to me around
1:30 and asked me if I had had enough
to drink tonight, noted Alicia Zimmel
13. Then he asked me if I needed
th e k e n yon collegiate
Cove, he continued, I said it when
he booked me for peeing on the post
office, and I said it after he caught me
peeing in the street: the sheriff should
go fuck himself! Its so empower-
ing to feel like my voice is being
acknowledged, that my suggestions
promoting the sheriff fucking himself
are actually being used to better our
life on campus.
Mark Mallory 14, who was writ-
ten up by the sheriff for underage
consumption last year after a stom-
ach-pumping trip to Knox County
someone to walk me home. It was
super forward and he didnt remem-
ber my name even though we were in
a class together our first year. It was
kind of insulting. Also he had ranch all
over his face and he asked me if I was
a freshman.
Zimmel politely made her exit, but
since Schoeber has no concept of so-
cial grace or propriety, he yelled after
her, Where do you live?
After approaching Zimmel, Schoe-
ber allegedly returned to his friends
to complain about her lack of respon-
siveness to his flirtation. According to
Schoebers close friend Nick Otto 13, ing to their peers than they do almost
Schoeber loudly declared Youve any other leisure activity. I would say
seen one! Youve seen em all! while I put in at least four or five hours a day
plowing through a mouthful of wings.
Otto patted him on the back saying,
Yeah, its fucked up when they do
Continued on page 2.
Trundle, announcing his intentions.
Community Hospital, echoed Daw-
sons gratitude. I cant believe its
taken this long for the sheriff to un-
derstand his constituents, offered
Mallory, but Im really glad hes fi-
nally listening to us. He really should
have fucked himself a long time ago.
A recent survey of student opinion
showed a 95% approval rating regard-
ing the sheriffs decision to fuck him-
self. Even those not directly victim-
Continued on page 2.
By Roy McKluskin
GAMBIER A study released yes-
terday by the psychology department
revealed that in spite of the success
achieved by massive multiplayer
online role playing games such as
World of War Craft and Star Wars:
The Old Republic, the most successful
MMORPG continues to be Emotional
Manipulation (including the expan-
sion pack Fucking With Strangers.)
Players call EM addictive, noting
they spend more time sitting at their
computers seducing, rejecting, and ly-
sonating real people with the goal of
subtly trying to get people to notice me
online, said Ty Bennett 16, continu-
ing, maybe more when Im trying to
get an ex-girlfriend to regret leaving
me, since Photoshopping pictures of
Inside This Issue
Quad Love Triangle
Comes Full Circle
Gangnam Style Beef
Actually Just Horsemeat
It Definitely A Thing
Graduated Chasers
Chase Dreams To
Bottom Of Bottle
Nerds Gather to Do Nerd
Stuff
Play Youre Not
Going To Sent You A
Facebook Message
myself standing next to lanky blondes
can take kind of a long time.
One of the games strengths lies in
its flexibility. I like online psycho-
logical torture because you can choose
from lots of different identities, said
sophomore Elaine Preston. From
more passive stuff like depressing oth-
Photoshopping myself stand-
ing next to lanky blondes can
take kind of a long time.
ers by rigidly controlling your output
of information so as to make your life
seem unrealistically exciting to imper-
extracting secrets: the options are end-
less.
Some have doubts. I dont under-
stand why people do it when there
Continued on page 2.
1
Freshman Girl Empowered By Wealth
By Pumpy Calico
MCBRIDE HALL Trina Spen-
cer 16, an otherwise unremarkable
freshman from Bridgeport, Con-
necticut, has recently found herself
feeling incredibly empowered by her
wealth.
I thought everyone out there
was like me, Spencer told Colle-
giate reporters, white, upper class,
fluent in classical Greek, grew up in
the suburbs. But then I left home and
found that my almost unimaginable
wealth really gives me something to
be proud of.
Spencers wealth has also given
her the self-confidence to make new
friends, an important component of
every freshmans first year at Ken-
yon.
Oh, yeah, Sabrinas a great
friend, said Spencers hallmate
Fred Prenching 16. She buys the
whole hall dinner at the VI most
nights. Her parents put like $10,000
on her K-Card. And they even send
her an extra $1,000 a month so she
can buy weed, which is, like, totally
thoughtful.
Spencers roommate, Emma de
Lyrio 16, says that Spencer has re-
Even Woman Giving Birth Ignored At Peirce Atrium Table
By Ricardo Carringamo
PEIRCE HALL A local woman
gave birth at the Peirce atrium table
last Thursday, sources report, to the
notice of approximately no one.
Twenty-sixyear-old Maura Sup
reportedly went into labor at 8:34
a.m., Thursday. Sup, who was at Ke-
nyon to visit her brother, dish room
employee Travis Howard, was rest-
ing her rotund, pregnant body on top
of the table when her water broke.
Sups labor progressed without
as much as a passing glance, even
during the lunchtime rush. Not
even those forced to go right by the
table stopped when the baby started
crowning.
The last big event I had been
to on campus was the opening of
the new art building, said trustee
Greta Shanahan 78, who saw the
ten pounds and four ounces of new
human begin to emerge from Sups
canal as she zipped by on her way to
a common-hour meeting. I thought
this was some on-site, performance-
art piece, so I didnt pay it any
mind, she insisted.
Sophomore Brenda Alger remem-
bered hearing agonized moaning
and heavy breathing coming from
the direction of the table, although
her gaze never wandered there. I re-
2 pl ea se r ecyc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Spencer finally found her place...on top of the world.
ally gotten in touch with her heritage
lately. Trina comes from a long line
of wealth, de Lyrio reported, and
in addition to being 1/16th Chero-
Spencers wealth has also
given her the self-confidence
to make new friends.
kee, she told me shes also 75% New
England WASP. I think she feels re-
ally connected to her ancestors and
draws a lot of strength from them.
Mother and child resting comfortably, free from prying eyes.
ally needed a bagel for my 12:10,
she explained, so I just bee-lined to
the servery.
After a few hardly acknowledged
hours of piercingly painful labor,
David James Sup was born at 2:49
p.m. Brian Tran 13, who had been
downstairs eating lunch, walked
by the table shortly thereafter. He
thought he heard a baby crying but
couldnt be bothered to consider
its source. I considered pausing to
look, he said, but I really had get
to the library. Tran reported that he
just speed-walked past, shaking his
head and muttering, Sorry, busy,
sorry, busy.
A quick look around Spencers
room confirms this fact. On the wall
above her bed, she has proudly hung
a picture of her great-great-great-
grandfather Eustace Spencer, a slave
owner who was known in his time
for squandering his parents fortune
and then marrying rich to save the
family name.
He impregnated her first so she
had no choice but to marry him,
Spencer explained. Its that same
Continued on page 3.
Despite the unmistakably foul
stench of blood, feces, and after-
birth, an afternoon tour group even
managed to bypass Sup and her new-
born child. Stacy Goldman 15, who
led this tour, remembered thinking
she had stepped in a piece of la-
sagna as [she] led that 3:00 p.m.
group into New Side. She paused
for a moment, however, realizing
that, oh my God, that was placenta,
wasnt it?
Reflecting on the matter, Sup
thought it odd no one noticed the
Continued on page 3.
Sheriff, from page 1.
ized by the Sheriff saw the move as a
progressive one. I mean, Ive never
had a run-in with the sheriff, said
Andy Edson 16, but Im optimistic
about future run-ins now. I think this
is the beginning of a more relaxed,
laid-back sheriff experience.
Professor of Sociology Victor John-
son looked to the event, scheduled
for next Tuesday, as a wonderful ex-
pression of representative democracy.
Police are supposed to protect and
serve, said Johnson, who studies
law enforcement mores, and this is
a really elegant way to reinforce that
special societal relationship between
protector and protected the servant
servicing himself for the served.
Women, from page 1.
that.
After the Cove closed at 2 a.m.,
Schoeber allegedly approached Zim-
mel again as she was leaving with a
group of friends and yelled, Hey, hey,
I really dont want to walk all the way
home by myself, just before retching
his wings into the gutter.
Although he took the time to com-
fort Schoeber, Otto seemed decidedly
unconcerned about his friends anti-
social behavior and apparent lack of
self-awareness. Nah, he offered
with a shrug, Schoeber does this ev-
ery weekend.
Emotion, from page 1.
are people out there in real life to be
coerced and taken advantage of. Real,
flesh and blood people, said Profes-
sor of English Denise Coyle, fondly
recalling her days as a schoolyard bul-
ly. There was a time when terrorizing
another girl to feel good about yourself
meant poisoning her friendships with
rumors, or lopping off a hunk of her
hair in the girls locker room when she
wasnt looking. Now, with Facebook,
its like people cant even be bothered
to do anything that requires real com-
mitments. Its all fake boyfriend this
and anonymous spam that.
Retractions
Last night, the Collegiate mistakenly
ordered cheese bread and Cinna-
sticks from Papa Johns last night.
The board of editors wishes to correct
this intestinal-distress-inducing error.
The Collegiate also mistakenly
said that a girl you had a crush on
seemed nice. Leslie was her UCCling
and reports shes actually the worst.
Finally, we totally meant to attach
that paper but something weird hap-
pened and I guess it didnt send.
2
Campus Senate Abandons Planned Smoking Ban To Preserve Intellectual Atmosphere
By Drexel J. Thrash
CAPLES Yesterday, Kenyons
Campus Senate announced that they
will be abandoning the smoking ban
passed last year in order to preserve
the intellectual atmosphere of the
College.
It was a tough decision, but ul-
timately we decided that this years
senate recognizes that last years
may have acted rashly in the face
of this issue, said Student Council
President Lauren Hadley 13. On
the one hand, it is true that many stu-
dents are unhappy with the amount of
smoking that takes place outside of
academic and residential buildings.
On the other hand, it is also clear
that the truly dedicated smokers, the
ones who linger for hours, perhaps
all night, smoking through an entire
pack, loudly spouting their opinions,
unafraid of who might be listening or
trying to sleep these are the true
visionaries of our school.
While talking about the potential
ban, we realized that Kenyon smok-
Visiting Professor Still Uncomfortably Attractive
By Jack Thimbleton
SAM MATHERStudents report
that, despite having already com-
pleted half of the semester, visiting
chemistry professor Lucy Stratford
is still way too beautiful for them to
succeed in her classes.
Stratford, whose professor evalu-
ations were covered in handwritten
scores of catastrophically hot,
ethereal, and transcends all pre-
conceived boundaries of sexuality,
says that her semester has been very
successful so far. Students, how-
ever, report mounting stress over
facing exams and research projects
without any reference to class mate-
rial.
Sophomore Betty Carmichael
claims that she tried to take notes in
preparation for an upcoming exam,
only to find herself completely lost
in the material and in Stratfords
hypnotic stare.
I couldnt decide whether Pro-
fessor Stratfords eyes are blue, like
the sea after a raging storm; green,
like the glades of a mystical for-
est; or gray, like the steely glint of
a drawn sword, Carmichael mused,
adding, and I dont know anything
about substrates.
Desperate students have tried in
vain to make up for their poor at-
tention in class with other resources.
Justin Godfrey 12 says that he at-
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  3
ers are really the kinds of students
who carry the same restless desire
for knowledge and meaning that so
many revolutionary artists before
them have, added Junior Class
Representative Clive Viktorson 15.
You can tell because they like to
reference and quote these artists a
lot.
On Monday, Collegiate reporters
attempted to determine the verac-
ity of these statements. We caught
up with Jacob Randolph 14, one of
these smokers, outside of Mather at
three in the morning. When asked if
he was pleased that the ban had been
overturned, Jacob misquoted a pas-
sage from Jack Kerouacs Dharma
Bums and then proceeded to explain
the concept album he and his friends
were planning to record later that
night.
Its going to be like really in-
fluenced by My Bloody Valentine,
but more krautrock than sludgecore,
with some Kierkegaardian over-
tones, Randolph said. Just read the
first twenty pages of Catch-22 and
tempted to take advantage of Strat-
fords office hours, only to waste
the entire twenty minutes she spent
outlining potential research topics
trying not to stare at her sweet, rosy
lips and wondering whether that
guy in the picture frame on her desk
is her boyfriend.
Under the circumstances,
students have no choice but
to accept their attractive fate.
Other professors, however, are not
fazed by their new colleague. I get
students coming in here begging for
help because they cant focus in Pro-
fessor Stratfords class, explained
Bert Simmons, a fellow chemistry
professor, but its all a bunch of
nonsense. I mean, sure, the lady is
very pretty. And yes, she does have
a sort of blinding radiance about her,
One of the many sophisticated denizens of Kenyons smoking areas.
then get back to me.
Not everyone is as happy with the
decision as Randolph. Kelly Mur-
doch 15 is upset that the promised
ban is not being followed through
with. Its really unfortunate that the
school is doing nothing to discour-
age these smokers, she said while
Stratford, looking mesmerizingly beautiful
I guess. Theres no denying that her
form would put Aphrodite herself to
shame. And her hair! O, would that
I were the brush that touched those
gilded locks! Wait, what were we
talking about? When we attempted
to ask Stratford how she dealt with
being so gorgeous, we lapsed into
a monologue about her collarbones
which will not be printed here.
Under the circumstances, students
have no choice but to accept their
startlingly attractive fate. Ken Jack-
son, a senior who is pretty sure that
Stratfords beauty has crushed any
chance he had at attending graduate
school, predicts that she will leave
Kenyon after this year in a torrent of
broken hearts and GPAs.
Still, said Johnson with a for-
lorn sigh, it is better to have loved
and lost than to have never loved at
all.
sharpening a knife in her first floor
Caples room. I mean, I have noth-
ing against people smoking, but
when its outside my window at
three in the morning, I kind of have
to draw the line. Whether that line is
figurative or drawn in their blood is
up to them.
Man With Pleasing Southern
Drawl Loved By All
Love-struck sources gushed on
Saturday about the soft but textured
voice of Henri Lockheart 13, report-
ing complete satisfaction with his
ability to read aloud as well as his
comments, questions and melodious
Hmmms. Most agreed that ideally
everyone else in the class would shut
their traps and just let him speak
more.
Birth, from page 2.
incredibly public birth, as she was
in the direct sight line of everyone
who entered the building. However,
one person, according to Sup, did
stop by and take the umbilical cord.
Nonetheless, she called the spot the
closest to a private room as she
would ever get, and was more-or-
less grateful for the wholesale cam-
pus ignorance.
Wealth, from page 2.
Spencer know-how and stick-to-it-
ness that I inherited. Thats why Im
secure in the knowledge that Ill be
able to find a job after graduation.
Well, she continued, its either
that, or the fact that my daddy has
a job waiting for me in the multi-
national insurance firm that hes in
charge of.
Opinion
Where Is Skinners Bromley?
By Trustee Max Fountain 63
You know, this past weekend I was
grateful to go back to my alma mater
Kenyon College as a trustee and sur-
vey our good legacy and our promis-
ing future and do a little write up on
some things I might change or keep
the same. I have a few opinions.
First oh, how things have changed
since the 63 boys and I strutted
across Mather Lawn clutching our di-
plomas. They took us up to old North
Campus in golf carts. Amazed at the
new buildings theyve got up there.
Great white things with shutters and
windows. I am pro windows. Keep
the windows. If youve ever been
locked in a windowless cell in Nam,
you appreciate windows.
Those used to be the woods where
we tied up Skinners Bromley back in
fall 61! He was a good fellow, kind
of effeminate and we lost track of him
after say about 66 but I do wonder
where he is now. He didnt qualify for
officers training corps like the rest
of old 63, but he probably wouldnt
have cut it on base. Never married.
Thats the other opinion I have is
marriage--its a good thing.
But you know, times were chang-
ing. I remember a many a Sigma Up
formal where I didnt feel like taking
my date from Denison out to look at
the Kokosing and cop a feel. I just
would sit in the corner, stare at my
martini and wipe the ash from my
dozenth lucky strike off my jackets
sleeve, and wonder what it all meant.
Did I really want to join dads firm
like my older brother? I felt like I had
so much to live up to.
You also have much to live up to,
with your fancy new art buildings and
such. To much is given much is ex-
pected. Thats what my father always
said.
My dad flew planes over Germany,
during the war. Then he came home
to the North Shore started the firm,
bought a nice house for mother and
raised a few fine boys.
But anyways old Bromley he was
a queer boy. Never really fit in here
at old Kenyon. After I left the young
men started wearing their hair a little
shaggy and then they started admit-
ting girls and...well i guess things still
are changing.
Also, the back of the golf cart can
be very uncomfortable and windy, so
please put tarp coverings on the golf
carts. Thats what I think.
No One Sells Bad Weed to My Son!
By Frank Lawsons Mother
Frankie is that the girl behind
you? Dont you its fine Mom-me,
Frankie! Come here! Yes, you, come
here. Frankie, well skype in a minute.
Sit down, sweetheart, because you
need to hear it directly from me: no-
body sells bad weed to my son!
Oh sure, you think youre all smiles
and charm when we run into you in
front of Farr Hall. Hello Ms. Law-
son!, you say, and my son sheepishly
says, This is Krista.
Your name may as well be for dirt
because thats what his weed looked
like. I was so excited to come spend
parents weekend with my son and I
am so disappointed to find that tucked
away in his sock drawer is a plastic
bag filled with the stemmiest shwag
from Mexico I have ever seen in my
entire life! The bag didnt even seal.
To top it all off, it smelled like orega-
no. What, did you want my son to put
it in his soup?
That crumbly little crust of weed
wouldnt have even gotten flagged by
customs. It was the worst weed I have
ever seen in my entire life. I spend
good money to send my son to Kenyon
and be part of the Kenyon communi-
ty but what kind of community wont
even offer some mids to someone and
then have the wherewithal to come up
to us as and introduce yourself as some
old friend when really all youve ever
done in your entire fucking life is sell
Your name might as well be
for dirt because thats what
his weed looked like.
my son some goddamn shake for $40
and act like it is actually strawberry
cough or HazelNut Mountain Kush.
Does this weed even a strain, let alone
have a name?
You might think because youre
young and pretty that you can get
away with anything, but we both know
those looks wont last forever and that
when you move on to selling smack to
finance your crappy Bushwick apart-
ment, ripping people off like that will
certainly get you knifed. I dont know
how your parents raised you, but Im
not bringing up my Frankie like that.
Look, Krista, my son may be a
punk ass bitch who doesnt know the
difference between some high class
Colorado Indica and a packet of bath
salts, but Im never going to let some
hipster queen pass off shitty weed to
my son again!

Andrea Smelt Hannah Santa Anna 16 Natalia Olshanskaya Joshua Levithan

STUDENTS Phonathon Caller Prissy Doodle 16 Professor of Russian Professor of IPHS FACULTY

Totals so far:
Students: 52
Vs. Faculty: 55

Who will be Kenyons Hi, this is Andrea from That question doesnt [Name re-
Kenyon Justin Bieber!! Probably Putin again.
next president? seem fruitful. dacted]
Do you have a few minutes to When besieged or under What the little
How do pigs talk? talk about the Kenyon Fund Swine Language! In the dative case.
normal circumstances? girls said.
Where is this relation- A gift of any amount would Kenyon
be appreciated. Ew cooties! Marriage. Career later. To walking office hours
ship going? divorce.
Why does Hanukkah Hello? Hello? I think they Why are you asking me these
hung up.
Cause its fun. The oil thing. The oil thing.
last for a week? stupid questions?

Total Correct 0$ Pledged One One Two

c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  4
Point/Counterpoint
Hey, That Guy Spilled Powerade On Me!
By Angela Wolansky
Did you see that guy?
Oh my god, did you see that guy?
Yeah, that huge guy just ran into
me.
And he spilled his blue powerade
all over my sweater.
Ugh, oh my god, I have to go to
Chamber Singers after this.
Now I have to go all the way back
to McBride to change.
Did you hear that Stef?
Just because hes a giant he thinks
he can do whatever he wants.
Look how hes lumbering off.
He was totally taking out his ag-
gression on me, what a huge jerk.
Yeah, that guy, over there, mum-
bling to himself.
That jerkwad, he totally meant to
do that.
Collegiate Special Investigation: Walls, Empty Vodka Bottles, As Correlated To Pussy Received
By Travis McMasterson
Question: Will throwing this empty
vodka bottle at the walls of Old Ke-
nyon and screaming like untamed
gibbons make us look badass to
these chicks, thereby causing the
aforementioned chicks to have sex
with us tonight?
Hypothesis: Fuck yeah, it will.
Prediction: If a handle of Svedka is
propelled at a wall with such force
that the glass molecules separate
t he K e n yon Collegiate
Im Sorry . . . Im Just So Large
By Jack Palmor
Oh dear...
I spilled my drink on you...
Oh dear... Oh no...
Im so sorry, that was really clum-
sy of me.
Im..um..Im..
Can I help you mop that up?
I cant help you? Oh no...
Im so sorry, I cant do much with
these big clumsy hands.
Maybe a napkin would help. I
would get one but I usually just ac-
cidentally tear them in half.
Im so sorry... Im just, I know...
Im just so large.
Oh gosh, I guess Ill just lumber
into the dining hall.
I just... Oh, okay, Im sorry. Im
sorry. Im so sorry.
and disperse, and chicks are in audi-
ble range of the breaking glass and
celebratory mating howls, then we
will totally get some pussy tonight,
dudes.
Experiment: An experimenter will
impose a force of forward momen-
tum upon his empty vodka bottle
(and a couple of discarded 40s for
extra scientific accuracy), and upon
their molecular dispersion will hoot
wildly and pound his pectoral re-
gion. Several other participants
will act as the control group, and
will not throw any glass but will
still shriek amorous cries of bloody
murder. The research team will then
closely observe the behavior of the
local babe population, and the time
it takes them to realize how incred-
ibly attractive and strong the ex-
perimenters are and just fuck them
already.
Results: Upon the shattering of
the first bottle, there was a signifi-
cant increase of masculine energy
released into the air, which was
compounded by the shouting. The
control group of shouters attracted
on average 1 babe per shouts above
95 decibels (measured by the prox-
imity of babes to the shouters, and
babe-to-shouter ratios). The shouter
Performance Art Rates Highest In Recent Years
By Peppermint Twiss
GAMBIER In the past few weeks,
Kenyon College has had the honor of
hosting numerous fascinating perfor-
mance art pieces. Although members
of Campus Safety have labeled these
groundbreaking pieces as vandal-
ism, more enlightened members of
the artistic community at Kenyon
have come forward to defend these
pieces for their profound intellec-
tual and aesthetic contribution.
On November 11, in an untitled
piece, a group of Kenyon students
broke the door to Taft Cottage B.
The door was ripped away from its
intended location in an act that was
perceived by most as intoxicated ag-
gression, but was in fact an act of
conceptual artistic expression.
In the vein of artists such as Ma-
ria Abramovic and Carolee Schnee-
mann, Kenyon artists have embraced
performance art, expanding their un-
derstanding of art as a purely visual
representation and moving into the
realm of performance.
Its not vandalism, explained
Professor Andrea McDougie of the
Art Department, its a statement.
Doors symbolize the stifling of the
who broke the vodka bottles aver-
aged an astonishing 3 babes per
bottle broken, plus the 1 babe per
shouts above 95 decibels. The ex-
perimental thrower was up to his
neck in pussy, whereas the control
group were merely up to their knees
in pussy.
Analysis: The evidence strongly
supports our hypothesis! The chicks
American dream; they trap us in so
many things, like buildings. She
called the fragments of the Taft door
the most intimate and genuine ex-
pression of angst that she has seen
in all her years in the art world.
Did they want to get in? asked
Professor of Art History Marcus
Frauserhousen, a published critic for
the Oxford Art Journal, or did they
want to get out?
These vigilante artists have made
their voices heard all across campus
in the past few weeks. Other works
of art have involved dispersing toilet
paper outside of New Apts., frag-
menting a mirror in Leonard hall,
and liberating a mobile lavatory
from its upright position outside of
McBride field.
All of the pieces really make us
question our boundaries, explained
Joshua Brobin, director of the Gund
Gallery. How do we respond to the
things that inhibit us? Do we break
them? Or embrace them?
While the artists in question re-
main unknown, sources have con-
firmed that the Gund Gallery is cur-
rently seeking them out for a solo
show to premiere in late January.
totally fucked us to a copious de-
gree. This definitely merits some
further experimentation, perhaps
deducing whether blacking out and
yelling I will fuck you up! and
throwing trash at each other will
produce similar results.
Hypothesis: Yeah! Yeah it will!
HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT
HOOT!
5
Health and Wellbeing Update
Econ Major To Create Thousands of Soul-Sucking Jobs
An employee greets an ungrateful customer at a dead end job like the ones Everett vows to create.
By Roy McKluskin
GAMBIER Econ major and DKE
brother Blake Everett 13 announced
his plans to accept a position at a gi-
gantic multi-national corporation Fri-
day, stating that hes looking forward
to contributing to society by creating
hundreds, if not thousands, of hor-
rible dead end jobs.
Right now, times are tough, Ev-
erett said, but I know that I can per-
sonally help by employing countless
people in positions where they are
fundamentally expendable and have
no substantial opportunity to improve
their circumstances or day-to-day
working environment.
The skills hes learned at Kenyon
will, he claims, help ensure that an
Older, Sadder Verions of Students Visit Campus
By Gunderson Threeply
GAMBIER The future selves
of current Kenyon students began
appearing on campus late Mon-
day night, sources within Campus
Safety reported, and continued issu-
ing forth from a snarl in the space-
time continuum located in A-Block
of New Apts throughout Tuesday.
The future selves wasted little time
in tracking down their past selves
and appear to have zero interest
in anything except lamenting their
troubles to come.
At first I thought it was cool,
Drama major and future triple-
divorcee Allen Wraite 15 said,
like my future self would be all
like, heres a sports almanac, get
rich by betting on baseball games!
like Marty McFly was gonna do.
Wraite continued, complaining,
but all future me does is sit around
like Hamlets ghost and bemoan
what a waste his time here was and
how he shouldve asked Sadie Lem-
Th e k e n yon collegiate
entire generation of Americans can
work for minimum wage with few or
no benefits.
On an international scale, he hopes
to contribute to jobs overseas as well
in large, loosely-regulated factories
for men, women and children of all
ages.
Its not just the working class that
will benefit from his largess. Everett
said increasing the number of unpaid
internships which result in no gain
of actual skills or connections would
also be a high priority, and that ex-
panding his companys social media
presence would mean a glut of jobs
for college grads that require no tal-
ent, contribute nothing to society and
will surely vanish at the popping of
the current dot com bubble.
uel out as a senior. Its like having
a fucking Beckett play follow you
around. selfs odd tendencies: He keeps
Future me is totally lame, Ned
Hartline 14 said. I thought itd be
fun to take him to a party, but he
kept blocking my cock hardcore
like, Oh, thats the girl who breaks
your heart after you hook up with
her and things start to get too seri-
All he does is sit around
like Hamlets ghost and
bemoan.
ous and its like cmon, man, Im
just trying to get laid tonight, the
soon-to-be subscriber to Playboy,
Hustler, and Penthouse said. He
got ultra-drunk at the International
Formal and I had to take him home
before I got to talk to that cute girl
from one of the Slavias or wherever.
Anyway, future me is a mega buzz-
kill.
AD Phi brother and up-and-com-
Why Are We Going to the Health Center This Week?
The Collegiate Presents: Quick Constraints
- I have a boot on my car!
- The national debt increases every
day.
- I have the hiccups!
- Hold on, my mom is calling.
- Sorry, I have to show my prospie
cousin around.
- These handcuffs are hurting my
wrists.
- This seatbelt is jammed!
- Im too fat for my skinny jeans.
-Im stuck in a rut and feel like my
life is going nowhere.
-All these little problems in my life
just keep mounting and Im afraid
theyll soon swallow me whole.
ing single father of three Reginald
Quitely 14 remarked on his future
messing with people I know
breaking up relationships, giving
bad advice to freshmenhe told
this girl from my Shakespeare semi-
nar that getting a Superman sym-
bol tattoo was a great idea and that
shed never regret it. The junior
shifted his weight uncomfortably
before resuming: he calls it future
hazing.
Some students have found a con-
structive use for their future selves,
like Martha Ruger 15, who plans
to use her future self as a piece of
installation art. Ive set her up in
a pen, Ruger explained, and Ive
been eating shittier and shittier food
and neglecting my workout regi-
men. You can actually see her get-
ting sadder and fatter as the day pro-
gresses. Yeah, its really hard on my
psyche, but Im definitely getting an
A on my project.
-Connecting with my peers on even
the most basic of levels is a chore
now.
-My lack of sleep is affecting my
performance in the classroom and
making me short, even with close
friends.
- My lack of sleep is affecting my
performance in the classroom and
making me physically short
- Im short.
-Father isnt taking the divorce
well.
-My anxiety about the deperson-
alization of my sexual partners is at
odds with my crippling fear that Im
going to die alone someday.
Collegiate Staff
Tony Soprano . . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Michael Corleone . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Nucky Thompson. . . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Tony Montana . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Henry Hill . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Bugsy Malone . . . . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe
Ace Rothstein . . . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn
Frank Costello . . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
John Rooney . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Paul Vitti . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Frank Lucas . . . . . . . Bean Fenrick
Sal Maroni . . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard
Rocky Sullivan . . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
Giussepe Yakavetta . . . . Drexel J Thrash
Anthony DiAmico . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Vincent Terranova . . . . . . . Button Gwennit
Don Fortunato . . . . . . . . Sterile Meryl
Salvatore Romano . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Mr. Big. . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
Carlito Brigante . . . . . . . . . . . Florence of Arabia
Cody Jarrett . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Piano wire, hair gel, cement
shoes, wad of cash, goomba, black car, the
day of my daughters wedding.
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
6