Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 5, Issue 6 February 6, 2013

Special Report: That Is Not Dancing Inside This Issue

By Pumpy Calico
OLD KENYON Collegiate inves-
tigators have collaborated to bring
you this urgent report. Sources indi-
cate that what you consider dancing,
that thing youre doing right now, is
not, in fact, dancing.
Although there is music and you
are technically moving your body,
no one in the surrounding area would
categorize those movements as danc-
ing. While that hunched-over Cos-
sack-type knee-bending thing might
have been a hit at a family Bar Mitz-
vah when you were twelve years old,
one witness reports that in this con-
text it is painful to watch and prob-
ably a little bit racist.
The Lawnmower and Walkin
The Dog, while they are dancing in
the most general sense of the word,
are really not appropriate for this set-
ting, those around you said. Neither
is The Wave, so stop trying to make
it happen, said Moderately Attrac-
tive Girl In Crop Top 13. This isnt
a football game.
Some of the people around you
are expressing concern for your well-
Graham Gund Declares
Tables In Gund Ballroom
Aberrations Which Mar
[His] Aesthetic.
Graham Gund Declares
Hideous Freshmen
Unsuitable for Ballroom
What this person is doing is far closer to dancing than what you are currently doing.
being. You look like youre in pain because youre saying it, doesnt
said Your Roommate Alison Haver- mean youre doing it.
doler 15. Is this a stroke? Are you Those interviewed unanimously
seizing? Everyone back up. I was a agree that that windmill thing youre
camp counselor three summers ago. doing with your arms is actually the
Ive been trained to handle this. opposite of dancing, in that it appears
Clapping and snapping are really to be clearing the dance floor because
not helping the situation. Nor is slow- you knocked over a beer onto the Graham Gund Deems
ly removing articles of clothing while DJs laptop. Now no one can dance, Josh Samuels Exquisite,
staring seductively at pieces of furni- you spaz.
ture. And shouting Dancing! Danc- Everyone at the party requests that Wants Four
ing! over and over is mostly just you stop trying to express yourself
pissing other people off. Thats not and just go grind on some rando in a Mine!: An Interview
really how this works, reported That dark corner like a normal person.
Guy Holding Three Beers 16. Just With Graham Gund

Seniors Begin to Select Kenyon Heirs

By Ricardo Carrigamo
GAMBIER As graduation ap-
proaches, sources report that the mem-
bers of the class of 2013 have begun the
process of selecting their Kenyon heirs.
Graduating seniors usually dont
even consider what will happen after
they pass from Kenyon, explained
Tracy Rudin 13, a legal studies con-
I have no idea who Im
going to give this blender
to.
centrator, at least not until the last
minute. Ideally, seniors should map out
their property dispersal at the end of
their junior year. Rudin, who notarizes
senior wills, stressed the importance
of selecting a Kenyon heir. Its about
leaving a legacy. Its about leaving
some part of yourself that can live on
here in perpetuity provided you have
th e k e n yon collegiate
the proper documentation.
Rudin noted that the selection of
heirs is usually not a problem for
members of Greek organizations, but
independents have historically had dif-
ficulty with the process. Marcus Ben-
son 13 and Alex Hartman 13, who are
not members of a fraternity, expressed
dismay over the compiling of their last
wills and testaments. I have no idea
who the fuck Im going to give this
blender to, exclaimed Benson. Hart-
man echoed his roommates concerns,
adding an additional note of anxiety
about not having anything cool to pass
on to [his] non-senior friends, like some
kickass decoration or poster.
Neither Benson nor Hartman was
selected as a successor by the graduat-
ing classes of 2010, 2011, or 2012, so
neither can simply pass on what he re-
ceived. I mean, shoot, shrugged Ben-
Continued on page 2.
Upper Dempsey Compensating for Very Small Clock
By Peppermint Twiss
PEIRCE According to eyewit-
nesses, Kenyons Thomas Hall, also
known as Upper Dempsey or New
Side, is probably acting so obnoxious
to make up for its small clock.
Despite students reassuring Thomas
that [it] tells perfect time and size
doesnt matter, New Side is continu-
ing to play host to rowdy meals and
harsh natural lighting.
Students have noticed that Thomas
seems a lot livelier these days per-
haps even a bit too lively. It has re-
cently taken to hosting exclusive par-
ties, entertaining random people for
hours during the day, and hanging out
with different crowds from morning to
night.
New Side just seems a lot louder?
commented Eric McCoy 15. I dont
know whats happened over the past
couple of weeks, but theres definitely
something different about it.
I wish Thomas would just chill
out, says Jack Michaels 15. Its
timepiece is barely below average, but
of course its holding itself to totally
unrealistic standards.
Some students, however, are less
tolerant of smaller clocks. Sadie Gimp
14 chided, I guess you havent seen
the clock that Thomas has well of
Of course its holding
itself to totally unrealistic
standards.
course you haventits tiny! Youd
need a magnifying glass! She added,
For how big Thomas is, youd think
the clock would be, you know, propor-
tional, said Gimp.
Some students who arent as expe-
rienced with different clock sizes have
Continued on page 2.
1
Half-Man Half-Bug Junior to Start Guttural Language of the Bug-Men Table
By Barker D. Flugelhorn
LOWER PEIRCE Sources report
that Kenyon has recently decided to
sponsor a Guttural Language of the
Bug-Men lunch table. Along with
learning more traditional languages
like Spanish and Russian, students
can now get together and speak
[language unpronouncable to the
human ear].
The table began mostly thanks
to the efforts of Thraak DMchun,
Supreme Chancellor of the Jorhax-
ian Bug-Men of the planet Dhaskala
and junior Kenyon student. Dont
get me wrong, I love it here,
DMchun told Collegiate reporters.
Im just really homesick, and since
the hyper gate wont be open again
until I graduate, I thought Id cre-
ate a space where people can learn
my native tongue. Its really quite a
beautiful, misunderstood language.
Its very similar to the Earth lan-
guage known as German in some
ways, but some of the vowel sounds
require a proboscis.
Although the lunchtime group
has met only a few times this se-
mester, DMchun has high hopes for
the future. I think people appreci-
ate the opportunity to be exposed to
new cultures, he commented, and
the Bug-People are a proud race: a
strong, hearty people who will with-
stand any nuclear blast up to 200
Megatons. We also love chicken
Schwarama and sharing our culture.
Mature Senior Cant Wait for Fandango, Men Her Speed
By Pierre lOiseaux
GAMBIER Sources report that
second-semester senior Christy
Selkes is hotly anticipating this
weekends Fandango, both for the
chance to mingle with her peers and
the opportunity it provides to get
some intelligent and emotionally-
secure ass, for once.
Selkes pointed out how Fandan-
go not only offers a sense of closure
for seniors, but also conveniently
corrals a significant number of eli-
gible sexpots with coattails into a
dark and lustful chamber. Its go-
ing to be cold this weekend, Selkes
said, and Im not going to count
on some waifish, semi-adolescent,
English nerd with fogged glasses to
stoke my fire. No siree. Fandango
will be a veritable feast of confi-
dent, podium-weathered men, and
boy Ill tell you, Mamas hungry.
Dont get me wrong, there are
some great boys on this campus,
Selkes continued, as she scrolled
through professors names in the
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
DMchun enjoys both a good sandwich, and speaking his native language.
And while our ways may seem un-
orthodox to the human-folk, many
students have expressed interest in
We are a strong, hearty people
who will withstand any nuclear
blast up to 200 megatons.
learning a little bit more about my
race.
DMchun chuckled, compound
eyes sparkling, and added, Good
move. Now I wont have to kill
them in the impending invasion
kidding, kidding.
Thraak is honestly one of the
nicest, chillest dudes on campus,
says regular table attender Christian
Gorelick 14. A lot of people make
online extended directory, linger-
ing momentarily on the picture of
visiting Professor of History Eric
Laine. But theyre still only boys.
Im so sick of this limp dick I can
only handle two PBRs and still
end my sentences with preposi-
tions, or the, I would rather you
hold me so I can cry and read Allen
Fandango will be a feast of
podium-weathered men, and
Mamas hungry.
Ginsberg because Im an impotent
half-man who barely passes for a
fourteen-year-old bullshit. Grow
a pair, kiddo. Show me a tall glass
of champagne and a room full of
tenure-track men and Ill show you
a real woman who knows how to
wrassle up some exquisite salt-and-
pepper tail.
While friends of Selkes report
that she has been generally popu-
lar within Kenyon dating circles,
Selkes indicated that the sexual ad-
fun of him for having such shiny
skin, for scampering when people
turn the lights on suddenly, or for
that one time his abdomen starting
glowing in econ, but I come from a
household that is accepting of other
cultures, even if those cultures hap-
pen to be located in the Crab Neb-
ula.
I think I might get an artificial
proboscis, just so I can learn how to
say my name, Gorelick added.
Its a good time to be a Jorhax-
ian Bug-Man at Kenyon, DMchun
concluded. I hear that the admin-
istration is considering putting in
a center for the advancement of
Jorhaxian Bug-Men, which is a re-
ally big step. Now if only theyd
stop using Raid in the servery.
vances posed by fellow peers have
felt inadequate. Look, I can go
to The Cove on any Tuesday and
pick up any jock trying to impress
me with his barely-literate grasp
of Kant. But Fandango changes all
that. Let me just say that its an-
other beast entirely to have the finer
points of Of Grammatology whis-
pered into my ear by a toned, horn-
rimmed, and published specimen of
flesh and word as he helps me out of
my minimalist evening ensemble.
Thats sex.
Sources also indicated that while
visiting Professor of History and
Eric Laine will, in fact, be attending
Fandango, he has his carnal sights
set on the trustees hell meet later
this semester, an opportunity he
hopes will get him away from all
those desperate people [his] age and
finally closer to some stable, refined
women who have already paid off
the mortgages on the houses that
they own with the solid careers they
have spent decades building.
Inheritence, from page 1.
son, glancing around his and Hartmans
Hanna double, I guess we can mark
down that pan, my flannel sheets, and
maybe some words of wisdom about
late-night purchases from the vending
machines in the basement [of Hanna].
Not all soon-to-be graduates report-
ed stressing out about the distribution
of their Kenyon effects. At the end
of sophomore year, said senior Mar-
tha Yorin, I came into an unexpected
inheritance of an old Bill Watterston
comic and an alcohol tolerance meant
for an offensive lineman. While I prob-
ably wasnt the intended beneficiary, I
was glad to take them. Im sure no one
else will mind taking them, either.
When asked who she would bequeath
her vintage newspaper strip and in-
congruent metabolic power to, she de-
murred, claiming she was still weeding
out her potential second-comings but
was close to a shortlist.
However, as happens every year, a
small group of seniors has decided to
forgo any hereditary paperwork, in-
stead opting for their own things and
traits to pass into the greater commu-
nity once they are gone from the Hill.
I cant be bothered to choose just one
person, said senior Hallie Brady. In-
stead of leaving an official dossier, she
will just put [her] mattress pad and re-
gret for going abroad junior year in a
box, labeled FREE, in the middle of
the freshman quad.
Clock, from page 1.
drawn comparisons between Thomas
and the Great Hall, another well-
known clock on campus. Have you
seen the clock in the Great Hall? Its
huge, noted Alice Hardy 13. But,
you know, when it really comes down
to itthat clock doesnt always work.
Especially after its been drinking.
The Great Halls clock appears to
be missing some parts. Students en-
joy how accessible the big clock is,
but bemoan the fact that its not very
dependable. I love a nice big clock,
said Justin Weimer 14, but that one
just cant get the job done. I know
Thomass clock is small, but, hey, at
least it gives me what I need.
Weather Forecast
Monday: Sno-balls will leave campus
saturated in coconut and marshmallow
drippings.
Tuesday: The winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this sun of
York.
Wednesday: A tornado will destroy
the whole campus.
Thursday: What does it matter?
Youre back in Connecticut or what-
ever because campus got destroyed.
2
News and Opinion
Stop Reading Newscope and Call An Ambulance
By Deer Statue Outside of Peirce
Ouch. Motherfucking ouch. I dont
want to disrupt your breakfast, but
theres just this little thing on my side.
Oh no, you just keep on that New York
Times crossword. Four down is hem-
orrhage, by the way. Yep, two hs
and two rs, kind of like what Im
experiencing right now caused by the
massive sharp metal object currently
gouging my flesh.
How does my body position sug-
gest anything other than absolute
agony? What do you think Im doing,
joining you in proud warrior pose
as part of your morning Kenyon Fit
class?
Well, Im not. Quite frankly, I
could use some medical attention and
the health center is way too far. Be-
sides, Im not a pregnant girl. I dont
have any STDs. Theyll probably
just diagnose me with mono because
of the sleepiness and low fever that
come with, oh, I dunno, BLEED-
ING OUT ONTO THE GROUND
AS YOU SIT THERE DURING EX-
TENDO.
Threeply on the Beat: Weekly Parking Infractions
In the interest of preserving mutual
community respect, the Office of
Safety and Security has asked The
Kenyon Collegiate to release some
of the parking tickets they have is-
sued in the past week so that stu-
dents will know the dos and donts
of parking at Kenyon. Additional
Reporting by Gunderson Threeply.
Ticket Number 1213772
Date of Ticket: 1/30/13
Ticket Issued For: Unregistered
(C-1)
Office of Safety and Security
Statement: Unregistered DeLorean
DMC-12 was found parked in the
two-hour parking outside Weaver
Cottage. Officer ticketed the car,
but returned two hours later to find
a pair of flaming streaks running up
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  3
Seriously, I know you like to look
at me as the sun is setting, roll some
quinoa around in your mouth, and
contemplate the finite, fragile quali-
ties of life, but I think Liberal Arts has
put forth enough existential musings
I hear theres plenty of space
for a statue like me over by
Gund Gallery.
to last Gambier a good long while.
Fine, if youre not willing to take
the arrow out, at least move me some-
where else. You think its awkward
having to make eye contact with your
dance floor make out from last night,
trying to decide whether or not to ac-
knowledge each other? I have to stare
at Katniss Everwhatever over there
posed with his bow ALL DAY, know-
ing full well he does not regret releas-
ing that arrow.
I hear there is plenty of space over
by Gund Gallery. Yeah, I have a rea-
son: I just really like art and PB&J.
Oh, you wish it was because of the
naked lady statue. Pervert.
Gaskin Ave. The traffic citation ap-
peal from the year 1965 has been
retroactively DENIED.
Ticket Number: 1213775
Date of Ticket: 1/31/13
Ticket Issued For: Restricted
Area (A-3)
Office of Safety and Security
Statement: Student with a South
#2 decal was found parked on North
High Street in Columbus, which is
not listed as an appropriate parking
space for students with a South #2
decal.
Student was also found taking
an impressionable freshman date to
North Star Grille and later to a Dar-
win Deez concert at Ace of Cups.
The students traffic citation appeal
has been DENIED. The students
Presidential Search Commitee Fights Crime
By Big Jeff Oglethorpe
EATON CENTER Reports re-
ceived late last night confirmed ru-
mors that the Presidential Search
Committee inaugurated late last
summer is actually team of super-
heroes. Head of both the Search
Committee and the newly-revealed
association of super powered men
and women, Trustee Brackett B.
Denniston, A.K.A Senor Electro,
had bold words for evildoers and
prospective candidates throughout
the land:
Mark my words, sons and daugh-
ters of evil. Your time has come. No
longer will we tolerate encroach-
ment upon all that is good. The Pres-
idential Search Committee is com-
ing! The masked man, gifted with
the ability to shoot lightning from
his palms, also moonlights as Senior
Counsel for General Electric.
Across campus, neer-do-wells
have seen their efforts thwarted by
the Search Committee. Amy Sang-
hine 14 was walking back from the
appeal that Darwin Deez is a legiti-
mate artist, when everyone really
knows that Radar Detector is his
best song and at best a mid-to-low-
level jam, has also been DENIED.
Ticket Number: 1213778
Date: 2/1/13
Ticket Issued For: Lawn Area
(A-6)
Office of Safety and Security
Statement: Student was found do-
ing hella sick donuts on McBride
field, and was quoted as saying,
Haters can eat SHIT! while blast-
ing Welcome To The Jungle by
Guns n Roses.
While officers had never seen
such bomb-ass donuts before since
Rad Tad Burlowsky graduated
in 1996, and the epicness of the
The heroes pose for a group photo.
library when she was accosted by a
group of thugs. I was so scared, but
just when I thought all hope was lost
I heard this rumbling in the ground,
and out of nowhere, The Mountain
showed up and absolutely pummeled
my attackers! And right afterwards
she pulled out a stack of resumes and
just got right back to work!
Electro was optimistic both about
the Committees chances at destroy-
ing evil and their chances at finding
a successor to President Georgia S.
Nugent. There is a blight on this
land: the stink of decay, the Com-
mittee Chairman said. But, all
things considered we also have some
superb candidates for the position
from small East Coast colleges, and
application response is really just
great.
We have yet to see what real
change the Search Committee will
bring to the college community. And
we have greater questions still--why
our campus? Why now? And when
will we get the results of their ex-
ploratory actions?
donuts could not be contained, the
students traffic citation appeal has
been DENIED. Party on, dude.
Ticket Number: 1213780
Date: 2/2/13
Ticket Issued For: Improper
Parking (A-5)
Office of Safety and Security
Statement: Car with a North cam-
pus decal still found double-parked
in the third floor Mather Lounge.
Student had also rigged the car
alarm to go off at three a.m. every
morning.
Calls to the students cell phone
yielded no answer. The students
traffic citation appeal has been DE-
NIED. The car in question has also
been booted by the Sheriff of Knox
County.
Critters
Meet the Pets of Kenyon
By Pumpy Calico and Roy McKluskin
Adopted Male Cat Princess
Recently adopted by overeager
freshman Lana Hybringer, Home-
less Bexley Cat has been described
by his owner as totally sweet and
cute, other than the matted fur and
that hungry look in her eyes. Af-
ter wrongly assigning Bexley Cats
gender, Hybringer decided to call
him Princess and immediately
sent an Instragrammed photo of
the cat to all of her friends. Little
did Hybringer know that Homeless
Bexley Cat is like the night, never
to be pinned down by a name or
contained by the four walls of any
freshman dorm.
A Humidifier From Walmart
New. Apt. Bathtub Roach
Affectionately dubbed Roachy
by itself, the newest resident of
New Apts F6 enjoys scuttling,
probing things with its antennae,
and basking in the artificial ceiling
light for brief intervals before bur-
rowing into couch cushions.
Among his many advantages,
Roachy lists his willingness to
cuddle, especially when snack
foods are involved, and his hardi-
ness in an apocalyptic setting.
Errgghh, eeeep! commented
F6 resident Daria Spellman 14.
The pair seem to be forming a fast
friendship.
Boo Boo Sugar Lips, 16
Dead Hamster Snuffles
Snuffles, owned by senior Eco-
nomics/Studio Art Double Ma-
jor Trent Joffros, is a Roborovski
White Dwarf hamster who loves
fresh vegetables and hanging out
on his wheel. Joffros commented,
Yeah, Ive just been really busy
lately, doing two sets of comps and
trying to find a job after gradua-
tion. And theres this weird smell
in my room thats getting kind of
distracting. Kind of stale/meaty. I
really cant work in there. Ive been
spending most of my time in the li-
brary, actually. I cant remember
the last time I was home
Indonesian Komodo Dragon Stefan
Horoscope: Capricorn
Look to Mars this month. Its po-
sition in the sky means one thing:
you will be brutally trampled to
death (but not before a lengthy hos-
pital stay thatll cost your family
millions) by a parade of elephants.
It would be advisable to get your
affairs in order, as the wounds will
be inoperable. Youll also acquire
a newfound appreciation for the
morphine pumping through your
veins as the lifeforce slowly drains
away. Your nurse will be named
Gus. Tell him to get the Drano.
(Hell know what it means.) Lucky
numbers: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Retractions
The Kenyon Collegiate would
like to apologize for stealing the
clock from Upper Dempsey. We just
thought it would look really sweet
on a chain, which, as it turns out,
was an accurate assumption.
In addition, The Collegiate apol-
ogizes for an instance in which we
called a prominent professor a big
fat chumpweasel with no sense of
timing and nothing interesting to
say. Chumpweasel was mispelled,
and we regret the error.
Collegiate Staff

Jack Swagger . . . Roy McKluskin

Roommates Wendy Frep 13
and Eleanor Richardson 13 have
humorously begun to refer to the
humidifier in their Watson double
as a pet. Its not humorous. Its
a dog, Frep commented while
gnawing on her own arm and look-
ing suspiciously around the room.
See its fur? Sometimes it talks
to us, Richardon added, but only
us. It is very wise. The two se-
niors, who reportedly have not yet
secured jobs for after graduation,
then began squealing and jumping
up and down after the humidifier let
out a particularly loud gurgle.
My Boo Boo is the sweetest
little wookie woo, Gennifer Els-
worth 16 told reporters. Hes so
well behaved. And look at his little
trick! Ive trained him to call me
anytime he goes from one building
to another. Whos a wittle smarty
pants? Whos the bestest boyfriend
ever? She continued, When I got
him, I never anticipated how tame
hed be.
Sugar Lips 16 could not be
reached for comment. He was last
spotted making out with a mature-
looking alumna in the Old Kenyon
basement.
Born on a remote isle and smug-
gled into the United States, Stefan
was purchased by Senior Peter
Smiley for a large sum of money
from a man [Smiley] will call Jalo-
ise. Bulldog, Elbow Smash, Battering Ram, Go
The ten-foot-long lizard can be
found in Smileys Morgan apart-
ment, where he sleeps on a moun-
tain of jewels and feasts on car-
rion.
When confronted with the sight
of Stefan, Smileys CA shrugged,
said, Whatever, and signed the
sheet indicating Smiley had passed
his room inspection anyway.
Camacho . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Chris Jericho. . . .Ricardo Carrigamo
Dolph Ziggler . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Hulk Hogan . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Fandango . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Big Show . . . . . Bean Fenrick
Bo Dallas . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
CM Punk . . . . . . . . . Jefferey Cashpore
Dwayne Johnson . . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
Rey Mysterio . . . . Jack B. Thimbleton
Primo . . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
R-Truth . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
The Miz . . . . . . . . . Pierre LOuiseauz
Tensai . . . . . . . Elizabeth Wilkinson
Kane. . . . . . . . Probably Johnston
Hunico. . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Big Splash, Crossbody,
Half-Nelson, Full Nelson, Stinger Splash,
Vertical Crossbody, Bakchand Chop, Cross
Chop, Mongolian Chop, Overhead Chop,
Cactus Clothesline, Corner Clothesline,
Flying Clothesline, Butt Drop, Knee Drop
to Sleep, Shining Wizard, Big Boot, Crane
Kick, Bicycle Kick, Mule Kick, Punt, Tiger
Feint Kick, Flying Lariat, Leapfrog Body
Guillotine, Rolling Thunder, Asian Mist,
Biting, Testicular Claw.
Consultants . . . . . . . A metal chair.
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  4