Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 4, Issue 10 February 22, 2011
Local Teens Host Partying Clinic For Kenyon Students
By Charlie Adams
GAMBIER Last Saturday, high
school students from across Mount
Vernon visited campus to host a
clinic aimed at teaching Kenyon stu-
dents how to party. Designed to pair
unpretentiously fun local teenagers
with their socially and sexually inept
elders, the afternoon seminar covered
topics such as drinking for pleasure,
dancing in public, and how to talk to
members of the opposite sex. An ac-
companying workshop led by Mount
Vernon High School seniors focused
on how to plan and throw spontane-
ous, natural-feeling parties without
agonizing over a Facebook event or
crying from anxiety. Over seven hun-
dred Kenyon students attended.
What a weekend I learned so
much! said Kevin Kaufman 12, the
social chair of Delta Kappa Epsilon.
Did you know that you dont have
to hire a semiprofessional DJ to play
music? Technically, anybody with an
iPod or even a CD can throw a party.
Also, you dont even have to have
a costume and dcor theme they
were saying today that you can liter-
Update: Starfucker To Be Replaced Eccentric Billionaire Buys Owl Creeks
By Tacci Smith With A Tambourine
By Sterile Meryl
GAMBIER Only weeks after the
student body was abuzz with the an-
nouncement of the musical acts for
Sendoff 2012, Social Board informed
The Collegiate that the time slot origi-
nally reserved for indie-pop sensation
Starfucker was already booked by
Tacci Smith and a tambourine. Despite
having to face an unprecedented bu-
reaucratic oversight, members of So-
cial Board remained positive about the
situation.
I was about to seal the deal with
Starfucker when Tacci Smith leaned
over to me and said the 9 p.m. slot was
actually unavailable, reported Social
Board booking manager Kathryn Ve-
neer 13. When I asked her what the
t he kenyon collegiat e 
Students from Mount Vernon High School spoke and led discussion.
ally just invite your friends to hang
out and drink beer with you.
In addition to strengthening Ken-
yons ties to the community, organiz-
ers of the clinic hoped to address pub-
lic dissatisfaction with recent parties
thrown by the Archon Society, Delta
Phi, and the Horn Gallery. The sug-
gestion to tap Mount Vernon teens as
instructors came after two campus se-
curity officers stumbled across a post-
homecoming bonfire near the BFEC
last autumn. Administrators cited the
high school students unpretentious
enthusiasm and sexual confidence as
reason was, she looked me right in the
eyes and said, a star was born today.
Sources say Smith removed a tambou-
rine from her bag and proceeded to
swing and rattle the percussion instru-
ment in a manic frenzy, recounting sto-
ries of her younger days with the ol
tambo.
Although the reception of Starfucker
was highly positive among a student
body still uneasy about last years
disappointing musical choice, Social
Board hopes that Smiths legacy as a
tambourine player will send yet a new
wave of excitement across Kenyons
halls and beyond.
Tacci is a virtuoso on the tambou-
rine, mentioned senior Andy Thorn-
Continued on page 2.
attributes that Kenyon students des-
perately lack, calling them a perfect
fit to mentor their socially chal-
lenged elders.
I think its really sad that a kid
could grow up without learning how
to party, said Brett Northey, a sopho-
more at Mount Vernon High School.
You really take for granted that not
everybody has cool friends and cous-
ins to teach them these things. Like,
one little guy I met today said he
thought that it wasnt okay to make
Continued on page 2.
By Gunderson Threeply
PEIRCE ATRIUM Last Tuesday,
resident peculiar billionaire Everett
Remington 15 took a break from his
monied do-gooding to splurge on a
well-deserved Valentines Day gift for
himself: the Owl Creeks, Kenyons
premiere all-female a capella group.
Some people might think its ex-
travagant, Remington said as he
donned a crushed velvet smoking
jacket, but sometimes I just cant help
myself. I see something I want and I
just take it. Boats, national landmarks,
peopleI just have to have them!
Remington is reported to have paid an
astounding five dollars for the rights
to the Creeks. Currently it is unknown
how this purchase will affect his tax
status.
The Creeks, best known for their
definitive sway and paired X chro-
Inside This Issue
Chicken Parmesean
International Enough
Sendoff Band Is You,
Reveals Reflective Surface
On Collegian Frontpage
@Peirce Unfollows @CDO
Senior Sprinting Down
Middle Path Nods Sagely
To Freshman Sprinting
Up Middle Path
You Look Like An
Asshole, Reports Too-
Honest Roommate
mosomes, first captured Remingtons
heart at the a capella cabaret during
orientation. Take Five? Pah! The
Kokes? Rubbish! Give me those gals
any day of the week, thats what I
say, Remington gushed from behind
a gleaming monocle.
I thought about buying Colla
Take Five? Pah! Kokes?
Rubbish! Give me those gals
any day of the week.
Voce, Remington mused as he picked
gold-leaf out from between his teeth,
but then I decided it would be more
fiscally advantageous to own the larg-
er a capella group, you see. More divi-
dends, if you catch my drift.
Remington has become known
campus-wide for traveling down Mid-
Continued on page 2.
1
Stress Eater Wins Chipotle Challenge
By Ambrosia Sweetwater
GUND BALLROOM Ken-
yons first ever Chipotle Challenge
took place on Saturday, one day
before the Sociology Senior Ex-
ercise deadline. Senior sociology
major, Jason Becton, won the chal-
lenge, consuming three and a half
more burritos than his competitors.
Known by his classmates as a major
procrastinator, Becton waited until
the last week to begin his research
paper, causing him to stress eat in
between, during, and after classes.
He nibbled on potato chips,
chocolate-covered pretzels, fruit
roll-ups, the front cover of Ulysses,
whatever he could carry around,
said housemate Mallory East 12.
They say you gain fifteen pounds
freshmen year. Well, he did that
and then some within the past few
days, East added.
Long after other competitors had
pushed their half-eaten burritos
away in defeat, Becton kept at it,
plowing through a fifth burrito. We
thought he hadnt gotten the news
that Chipotle is in Mount Vernon
now, said Gund Commons Student
Manager, Libby Seals 13. It was
LBIS To Replace Library With Staplers, Mac Chargers, Vending Machine
By Big Jeff Oglethorpe
CHALMERS In a shocking
change of policy, Director of Library
Services Amy Badertscher revealed
today that Olin/Chalmers Library is
slated for demolition in favor of a
new, streamlined building featuring
only staplers, Mac chargers, and a
vending machine. LBISs decision,
which Badertscher asserted reflect-
ed real student interest, came about
through the results of a poll asking
What do you want to see more of
in the library?, the three most pop-
ular responses being staplers, Mac
chargers, and the write-in lots and
lots of alcohol.
The books were really just a
fire hazard, Badertscher claimed,
while enveloped in a sea of 60 Watt
MagSafe Chargers and loose, un-
boxed staples. We think weve re-
ally got a handle on what students
want and need from their library.
Student response has been pre-
dictably warm. Sophomore Alishya
Peterson was ecstatic, announcing
finally, a library that has shit I need
instead of books and sad people.
Some more dedicated students,
however, responded negatively to
the change, prompting a Save Our
2 p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
Becton demonstrates his championship-winning neurotic compulsion.
obvious after his last burrito that he
wasnt savoring the experience at
all, but rather revealing a trouble-
some stress coping mechanism.
It was obvious that he
wasnt savoring the experi-
ence at all.
Unfortunately, Bectons paper,
entitled The Social Construction
of the Social Construction of Real-
ity missed the deadline by fifteen
Olin Library, shown here, would be reduced to a single table and Pepsi machine.
Chalmers rally.
Regardless of student opinion,
the new library is here to stay. In-
stead of sometimes working com-
The books were really just
a fire hazard, Badertscher
claimed.
puters, that weird room with all the
maps, and the giant READ poster
with S. Georgia Nugent on it, stu-
dents can now be excited to find
minutes and is four pages short of
the required limit. Professor of So-
ciology, Robert Flute, expressed his
frustration on the papers physical
state. He got carnitas sauce all over
his thesis statement, Flute said. I
wouldve settled for a coffee ring
stain but this is just plain sloppy.
Immediately after the competi-
tion, sources reported sighting Bec-
ton taking solace in a bag of sour
cream and onion Ruffles in a 9th
floor Caples bathroom stall.
exactly what they need, fast. Bad-
ertscher also insinuated that a sec-
ond vending machine will be added
by 2013, but that it will sell only
Doritos and Pretzel M&Ms.
At press time, LBIS was also pre-
paring to unveil its new slogan for
the academic year: Ask Not What
You Can Do For Your Library, But
Seriously Its Cool if You Want to
Smoke Weed in the Parking Lot or
Do It in a Carrel, We Wont Tell,
Promise.
Clinic, from page 1.
out with someone unless you put a
movie on and acted like you were
going to watch it. Poor kid actually
had Garden State on DVD right there
by his bed. Its been an eye-opening
weekend.
The Kenyon community has ap-
plauded the clinic as a resounding
success, rewarding both for the col-
lege students involved and for the
high schoolers who led it. Sources
within the Student Activities Office
have confirmed the existence of plans
to capitalize on the workshops suc-
cess with additional lectures, weekly
partying seminars, and a socially-fo-
cused Big Brothers program pairing
Wiggin Street Elementary students
with members of the Archon Society.
Tacci Smith, from page 1.
brooke who has worked closely with
Smith in the Student Activities Office
for several years. Her performance
vocabulary is extensive, ranging from
campfire circles to community service
luncheons to mitzvahs of all faiths.
Smiths performance will mark the
third time that an all tambourine band
has opened for the rapper Big Boi.
Kenyon sound technicians have al-
ready begun preparing for what could
be their most technical show to-date,
said head sound technician Albert Mar-
low 14. Weve never had to capture
something as nuanced as the 14 metal
jingles on a tambourine before. Smith
is partial to a Remo TA-5210-70 10-
inch double row tambourine, one of the
finest of its class. Shes gonna sound
like Hendrix up there, says Marlow.
But only the tambourine parts.
Owl Creeks, from page 1.
dle Path via his manservant Juan and
for making extravagant Rite Aid pur-
chases. Look, Ive long since learned
to stop asking questions about what
that dude does with his money, room-
mate Gus Pendleton 15 said. As long
as he keeps buying us food at the Deli
and bankrolling all the weed we can
smoke, seriously, let him have his fun.
Im not gonna be the one to take that
away from him.
When pressed for comment on their
new indentured servitude, the Creeks
were less than enthused. He does re-
alize that it was five dollars for a single
song on Valentines Day, right? asked
Owl Creek member Shirley Wetzler
13. Like, he realizes that he doesnt
actually own us? Weve had to turn
him away from practice three times
this week. Its getting a little creepy.
Remington was last seen standing
outside Crozier, his Pharaoh Hound
Rameses in tow, calling, Girls! Girls!
Sing Rolling In The Deep for me
once more, girls!
2
Opinion
Oh, How The Tables Have Turned Im Phling Queen, God Damn It!
By A Sophomore Covering A
Freshman In Bees
Well, well, well . . . It was not too
long ago that I found myself doused
in the writhing masses of a million
tiny winged insects. People were
abuzz with terrible things to say about
hazing and its supposed dangers. But
the truth is out. Fraternity hazing has
been proven to be overblown and
over-blamed, and my swollen, tender
body is a testament to the brother-
hood bonds that can be forged in haz-
ings flame.
I am happy to once again partici-
pate in this age-old ritual, but this
time on the other side of the equation.
I cannot explain to you the exhilara-
tion of this week. Hiding the pher-
momonal queen bee in the pocket of
unsuspecting pledges, watching them
run from their inevitable black-and-
yellow costume.
I can just see the friendships form-
ing as the freshmen huddle to protect
their soft, pink flesh from the beat-
Special Investigative Report: Tandoori Turkey Is People!
By Carson Wendelstadt
I write this article with a tone of
utmost urgency. After an extensive
and exhaustive research campaign
involving hundreds of hours of
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
ing wings and unforgiving barbed
stingers. Critics can say all they want
about the dangers of hazing and mild
neurotoxins, but I know one thing
that they never will: My pitcher does
not just pour mindless, swarming in-
sects. It pours relationships that will
last a lifetime and a half.
But these freshmen also need to
be put in their place. Respect must
be taught, and what better way to
teach respect than through a bevy of
enraged ampiformes. If they think
theyre too good for bees, then theyre
no good for Greek.
If they think theyre too
good for bees, then theyre
no good for Greek.
I will admit that this week hasnt
been all fun and bees. As pledge di-
rector I have to make sure the fresh-
men dont use burning pine needles
to smoke the bees into submission,
and Ive always gotta be on patrol for
soothing ointments. On top of all that,
everyones running on about 4 hours
of sleep and a half liter of epineph-
rine. And of course you have to spend
time every night cleaning a slurry of
wax and honey out of every orifice.
But brotherhood is more than worth
the pain and temporary muscle pa-
ralysis.
The hazing haters can bring as
many people in to speak about the
eases of overstepping bounds and
the dangers of ravenous bees, but it
wont change anything. Our minds
are as numb to your lies as our flesh
is to the parasitic wasps who call our
bodies home.
close culinary observation, my team
and I have deduced a horrible truth.
Based on solid scientific evidence, I
have concluded that the Peirce dish
known as Tandoori Turkey, is,
without a doubt, composed entirely
of the remains of human beings.
This claim may seem bold, but I
would not be occupying your time if
I was not serious about the horrific
nature of this event. My team, a pair
of biology majors named Lara Jen-
sen and Jack Ernst, have determined
with carefully guided experiments
that Tandoori Turkey is nothing
more than human detritus, packaged
and modified to resemble the classic
Peirce meal we know and love.
Wheres the evidence, you ask?
By Alexandra Carver
Im not going down without a fight,
bitches. For three years, Ive anx-
iously crossed my expertly mani-
cured fingers, waiting for someone
to bestow upon my perfect ass the
title of Phling Queen. Until some-
one hands over a jewel-encrusted
tiara and counts the official votes, I
refuse to believe that Phling is dead.
I didnt spend 20 minutes a day on
the KAC elliptical for nothing. I
didnt schedule Hottie Body sessions
throughout February so I could end
up at the Cove for another night of
rainbow shots and disappointment.
What else is there to look for-
ward to in February but the chance
to drunkenly charge into the dining
hall, pose for a quick photo-op with
the Peirce paparazzi, and make a
series of horrible mistakes, leading
Security to escort you back to your
dorm room where you pass out in a
satin gown, the glitter still shining in
My suspicions arose one year ago,
during a casual meal at Extendo. I
had been previously excited for my
selection, a large portion of leftover
Tandoori, and was just about to dig
My suspicions arose one
year ago, during a casual
meal at Extendo.
in when I noticed something. One
of the older Peirce workers had en-
tered Dempsey, and begun to clean
the tables, all the while never taking
his eyes off of me. There was a hun-
ger in his eyes, and they were locked
right on me, then slowly slid to the
Tandoori on my plate. Thats when I
your beer-soaked hair? Phling is a
sacred tradition that promises fame,
love, glory, and for one lucky girl,
the chance to be Queen. Ever since
I was a nave freshman, I imagined
the night I would become Phling
Queen and realize my true potential.
I envision myself swaying under the
pub lights, a court of my most loyal
followers shouting my name, throw-
ing AVI pot stickers into the air in
jubilation.
Some Kenyon students fantasize
about graduation day, that celebra-
tion of entering the post-collegiate
world with a bright future and lim-
itless energy. My moment of honor
lies in my humble acceptance of be-
ing your Phling Queen, which wel-
comes me into the Kenyon royal
family that includes such esteemed
members like that creepy guy in the
purple jumpsuit and whoever is on
the READ posters in the library.
As for all you non-believers: you
are despicable human beings. The
ones who say, Phling was never re-
ally fun anyway, or, Everyone at
Phling ends up crying and puking,
or, Phling Queen is a non-existent
title you will one day suffer the
wrath of my royal decree. When I
do become Queen, I promise not
only to uphold the hallowed laws of
Philanders Phling but also to elimi-
nate the casino in Lower Dempsey
because it was embarrassing for ev-
eryone involved.
I pity all the freshmen who will
never experience a Kenyon tradition
that was so uniformly respected and
majestic. Remember, everyone: your
Kenyon experience is temporary, but
Phling is forever.
put two and two together. There was
no other way to explain that hungry,
menacing stare. And who knows
what else has been going on? Ive
noticed a lot of strange happenings
on campus. Who knows how deep
this rabbit hole goes? I dont know,
but I intend to find out. Ceremonial
people-hunting at the BFEC? The
yet-to-be-disovered mind-control-
ling properties of Z-Packs? The
two-way mirror in the Farr Hall
Bathroom? And what about Josh
Samuels? Where have you taken
Josh, Kenyon? WHERE IS HE? Free
Samuels! Free Samuels!
For more information, please visit
my Manning, or check out my blog,
kenyonkonspiracies.blogspot.com
3
Please Just Let Me Go To Sleep
By Gund Commons
Hey. Hey you. Yes, you, using me as
a shortcut. Listen: Do you think you
could gather all the people in here and
ask them to leave for a few minutes?
I just want to sleep. Thats all I want.
No, dont leave! Just hear me out.
At first, I was fine. Well use you
as a dining hall, they said. Well
hold weddings in you. Well play
table tennis on your patio.
But enough is enough. That was
years ago. I used to be pretty, the
epitome of Brutalist architecture
a breath of the modern injected into
the Ohio countryside. Now, Im the
Gunderworld. Now soccer players
grow mustaches and invite all their
friends to come vomit on my dance
floor. And you wouldnt believe what
goes on at four thirty after Shock Your
Mom. The smell will never go away.
Im tired. You all come in here, and
sit for twelve hours straight to finish
your Women and Gender Studies pa-
All Unattractive Students Currently Abroad
By Clifford Cashpore
GAMBIER As students com-
menced second semester classes
this January, they were pleasantly
surprised to find that the entire un-
attractive junior population was cur-
rently abroad. An unexpectedly mild
winter was complemented by the
general jubilee felt across campus
turning February depression com-
pletely upside down. The effects of
the unattractive juniors departure
are now clear almost a month into
the new semester.
Professors have noticed greater
depth in class discussion and ob-
served a general camaraderie be-
tween students. Sources report that
the Off Campus Studies Office has
received a 5% increase in budget due
to the success of this semesters se-
lection process.
Junior Jeffrey Smalls, upon re-
turning from archaeological studies
p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
per that you left to the last minute,
like an idiot, because you were too
busy watching 30 Rock on Netflix.
Then when you print out your medio-
cre, cobbled together fifteen pages,
you exit my doors acting like a god-
damned martyr, so glad that you fi-
nally get to sleep!
Me? Ive been awake for forty-one
years now. Every nights an all-night-
er for me. Do you assholes even know
how much damage keeping me on all
night does to the ozone layer? I dont
even have lungs and Im pissed.
Please just let me sleep. I want to
dream again. Let me pretend to be
young. Send me to a home, if you
wantthat place in Youngstown
where you put Ernst and are going to
send the Bexleys. Just give me five
minutes of rest and Ill be fine; a little
cat-nap, thats all I need. Just let me
close my eyes and Ill, Illshit, be
quiet, Brave Potato is here.
in Uzbekistan, commented on the
change, I thought it would be hard
transitioning away from the hand-
some Uzbek women back to the usu-
al selection of plain Kenyon girls,
but I couldnt have been more off.
Following this statement, Smalls
hurried off to catch up to a tall
blonde girl carrying a tray of carrots.
Housing has faced problems
filling beds in the tradition-
ally less attractive dorms.
News of the change has reached
beyond the now attractive hill.
Forbes magazine has moved Ken-
yon from 37th to 16th in its biannual
Midwestern Regional Collegiate
Attractiveness Rating. Despite the
loss of all offensive linemen, Ken-
yon Football has won their first nine
winter scrimmages, including a win
against the notoriously attractive
Cincinnati State Weasels.
Everyone In Critique Really Liked Callies Drawings
By Ricardo Carrigano
BEXLEY ART BUILDING Ac-
cording to Professor of Art Minerva
Haworths Introduction to Drawing
class, Callie Halloran 14 did like, a
really good job, on her portfolio due
last Tuesday.
Though the sophomore sociology
major is new to the art world, this be-
ing her first college art class, her fel-
low classmates could hardly believe
it. Their comments found that all of
her twenty-four drawings were just
fascinating to look at, and faith-
ful to artistic impulse. At all times,
they were liked, sometimes really
liked.
Reported fellow classmate Taryn
Yee 15, she showed me one and
I instantly loved it. And then she
showed me the next one and I loved
it. Each time she showed us a differ-
ent drawing she did, I loved it. I love
her.
Haworth assigned students to draw
a number of inanimate objects includ-
ing fruit, furniture, shoes, beards, and
more. And apparently, all of [Hallor-
ans] drawings were really nice, ac-
cording to junior political science ma-
Housing and Residential life has
faced problems filling beds in the
traditionally less attractive dorms
such as Watson, Manning, and C5.
Higley, almost entirely unused for
the first weeks of the semester, has
been converted into squash courts
and summer storage.
In Greek life, The Zetas have re-
moved the pledging process entirely
and now accept any campus female
as a sister. Despite losing over 70%
of their brothers, Alpha Delta Phi has
thrown a series of great, sexy theme
parties that have wowed the campus.
In light of the changes on campus,
the recently changed Summer Send-
off policy has been reevaluated and
restored to its original debauchery.
School officials based this and other
changes on increased maturity and
mutual respect seen in the student
body. All developments are subject
to change upon the potential return
of the unattractive students abroad.
jor Marsha Jensen, also in the class.
Jensen gushed, I totally know she
put 110% of herself into this set. I was
just floored. Like, floored. Shes got a
real talent, like an incipient Van Gogh
or Rembrandt for our generation.
Even those not in the class agreed
that Hallorans drawings were just
great. Said Harry Elliot 14, I heard
[Halloran] has a nice way of putting
pen to paper. I think I might ask her
to design a poster for my upcoming
event. He added, From what the
critics say, whatever she ends up do-
ing, Im probably going to enjoy.
However, reports also found some
students threatened by the sopho-
mores apparent artistic prowess. All
the clamor the last few days has been
Did you see Callies drawings? and
frankly Im starting to get sick of it,
lamented studio art major Glenda
Thompson 13, adding incredulous-
ly, Who doe she think she is?
When asked to comment about her
critically acclaimed drawings, Hal-
loran blushingly provided, Oh, those
old things? Aw, it was nothing. She
continued, But really, it was nothing.
I drew twenty-two of the twenty-four
the morning they were due.
Collegiate Staff
Balto . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Lassie . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Sgt. Stubby . . . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Argos . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Checkers . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Kuma . . . . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe
Rin Tin Tin . . . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn
Handsome Dan . . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Buddy . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Snoopy . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Hachik . . . . . . . Ichabod Townley
Laika . . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard
Snowy . . . . . . . . Patty OFurniture
Wheely Willy . . . . Ambrosia Sweetwater
Benji . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Wishbone . . . . . . . Button Gwennit
Old Yeller . . . . . . . . Sterile Meryl
Buck . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Scooby Doo . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
McGruff . . . . . . . . . . . Florence of Arabia
Fenrir . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Tibetan Mastiff, New
Guinea Singing Dog, Bearded Colly, Cava-
lier King Charles Spaniel, Blackmouth Cur,
Alsation German Shepherd
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
4