FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2017 | Year MMXVII | Number 9.

4 | PRICE: YOUR MOMS HBO PASSWORD

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Poli-Sci Major Buys
New Monacle With
Marxist Lense

How To Thank The

Dish Return Staff
Louder This Time

Junior Abroad At
Peaceful Farm With
Childhood Dog

Breathe Easy,
Film Building Opens Twenty Minutes Off Shannons Abroad!
Campus, Film Department Cant Take a Hint
ce they had to work was an abandoned house closest to Kenyon. It is surrounded by a Domi-
Freshman Repacks
by SEXMONEY COOLIDGE
out past the KAC. We were going to tear both nos and nothing else, letting film majors know Unread Books, Sighs

W
places down, so when they complained we just how far away wed like them to be. Sorry
RIGHT CENTERKenyon kicked
off this semester with a brand new
thought, Oh yes, well make just the building Dennis, nobody wants to watch your cinema Everyone Likes Your
building for the film department,
epic about watching your plants die. But youll
Haircut, Lauren
complete with studio sets, screening rooms, WE BUILT IT AS A JOKE! definitely be able to watch it on the shuttle ride
back from the only place you can work on the
and a twenty minute commute by shuttle, be-
WE DIDNT THINK THEYD thing youre devoting your life to!
cause apparently the film department cant
COLLEGIATE
Were hoping theyll just give up and stay
take a fucking hint--not for lack of trying on the ACTUALLY STAY
there, Provolone continued. Id rather have
administrations part. It wasnt enough to give
them only three professors. It wasnt enough
for them.
them off campus than on, even if theyre still
technically part of the college. Go watch your
STAFF
to lump them in with drama and dance. Now Dante . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
The building is located on the outskirts of Seinfeld through a Marxist lens or whatever. As
when they ask for a new building it gets made James the Greater . .Miguel ngel Kill
Mount Vernon, so unless students have a car, long as I dont have to see you anywhere but on
six miles away from Kenyon There is No Off- Apostle Peter. . . . . Rotten Waspman
somebodys got a fun-filled film-loving two the registrar. Bonaventure....theForbiddenMan
Campus College, and theyre still here. What
hour walk ahead of them. And of course, the Well take anything they give us, said film Beatrice . . . . . . Scooter
will it take to get those lousy camera snores out
shuttle is still provided as always, assuring that professor Mathys Poulin. Any building. Put it Cato the Younger . . . Squeeps Mcqueeps
of our college?
students come to class fifteen minutes late, and anywhere. Just please let us stay. St. Bernard .. Dallas Hernandez
We opened the film department back in Virgil . . . Tippi Brizard
are forced to leave fifteen minutes early. The administration for the humanities con-
2011, and weve been trying to get rid of them Lucifer . . . . . Baba Wawa
We built it there as a joke! We didnt think cluded the interview stating that they will try
ever since, Kenyon administrator Rad Provo- Phlegyas . . Sexmoney Coolidge
theyd actually stay. to suggest that the entire department go on
lone commented. They were teaching classes Count Ugolino. . . Salacious B. Crumb
The Wright Center is located on the very sabbatical, seeing as this worked well with the
out of the library for God sake, and the only pla- Antaeus. . . . . Phil Tippett
edge of the city, though certainly not the edge drama department. n Charon . . . . . . . [REDACTED]

Sophomore Cant Wait to Have Worst Semester Yet

President of the World . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

by ROTTEN WASPMAN and being true to my goals. Im like, realizing that I have to go Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-

C
Whippers confided that she plans to visit with life, not against it. You know? said dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
APLES RESIDENCE HALL Just
the Kenyon Athletic Center three times Whippers, innocently unaware of the me- clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
weeks into the Spring 2017 term, ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
each week, go to office hours more often nagerie of bullshit that would soon await
Analbelle Whippers 19 is prepa- Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
and stay on top of classwork. Whippers her. Despite genuine attempts to go with
ring to experience what the sophomore Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
hopes, however, would quickly become the flow, reports indicate that a lethal
will retroactively consider to be her worst Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
depressed by a messy breakup, problems combination of unexpected personal and I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
semester at Kenyon.
at home and difficulties juggling campus professional issues would swiftly demo- pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Im really just trying to stay focused,
employment, extra-curricular obligations lish any semblance of progress made in
Whippers told the Collegiate, highlighting
and academics. Combined with an upco- the early weeks of the semester. Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
assignments in a planner that would Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
ming case of mono, the sophomore would Honestly? I really have a good feeling
soon be shoved carelessly into a desksi- las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
soon spiral into a vicious cycle of stress- about this year, said Whippers, smiling
de drawer until May. My mood board Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
eating, bad hygiene and general failure to confidently. , her confidence the first do-
for this semester is all about productivity
perform tasks like a well-adjusted human. mino in her eventual demise. n
2 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2017
NEWS
New Black Box
Adds Needed
Diversity to
White NCAs
by BABA WABA
N
ORTH CAMPUS
On Monday the
much needed stu-
dent performance space known
as The Black Box opened its
doors on the grassy subur-
ban sweep of North Campus.
In the midst of the otherwise
completely white North Cam-
pus Apartments (NCAs), the
Black Box will help relieve one
of Kenyons most serious so-
ciopolitical problems, the lack
of buildings of color (BOC) on
campus.
Were really excited to
welcome the Black Box to
our neighborhood, said the
downstairs bathroom of NCA
69b, I went to the Womens
March and know the word in-
tersectionality.
The Brown Family Environ-
mental Center is also looking
forward to having another Buil-
ding of Color on campus, which
will bring the number of B.O.C
to a disheartening two.
Yeah I think it will be great.
Its hard being one of the only
B.O.C.s on campus. And Im
so far away from the heart of
everything said the BFEC
while tending to its winter gar-
den.
The new Black Box was sla-
ted to open in the Fall of 2016,
but due to complications that
do not include neglecting issues
of diversity, the administration
was forced to push the opening
back to soon.
We want to be clear that we
have always put building-diver-
sity at the forefront of our agen-
da. Campus sexual assault is-
oh sorry, thats the next bullet,
said Jeremy Wolfson, Head of
Buildings and Grounds, rea-
ding off laminated notes writ-
ten in 1986.
After seeing posts about it
on Facebook, this obvious lack
of administrative diligence
toward the Black Box outraged
many white NCAs, until the end
of dinner.
Im like really mad at the
administration but I have semi-
nar tonight, said NCA 13y over
his deconstructed Bibimbap.
Now that the space has fi-
nally opened four months late,
over a dozen theater groups will
the kenyon collegiate
Student Life
Junior Buries Box in Woods, Whispers New Semester, New Me
by SQUEEPS MCQUEEPS stated that ever since he moved in, there trails and, with funding recently promi-
B
FEC Numerous sou- have been odd goings-on. sed by the administration, a picnic and
rces have reported to My brother actually went here, and barbecue area.
the Collegiate that Nate said not to live in Gund because it was I really do think its going to make a
Beauregard 18 walked into the kind of a weird space, Shavinson said, great edition to the BFEC, Rivera said.
woods late last Friday night, bu- but I just went for it because I have no As always, hikers should put on sunblock
ried a box, and returned to his other interesting qualities.Nate, though? and bring enough water, even though its
room in Gund Residence Hall. I didnt sign up for that. winter. And remember: if a tree talks to
While no one was able to identi- According to Shavinson, Beauregard you, ignore it. If it touches you, you have
rarely makes any appearances in hall ex- been chosen. You are it and it is you. As it
fy what was in the box, Erin Abadi
cept to deliver hand-written notes ins- has been, so it shall be.
19, the only source who witnessed
tructing residents to smear their doors As no student record exists for Beau-
the burial itself, stated that shortly
after the last clump of earth was with blood or be taken, something Sha- regard, investigation into his identity
replaced, Beauregard whispered vinson describes as a real cool deal for hit many dead ends. The Department of
new semester, new me. drinking, but a total bummer for the fra- Housing and Residential Life was only
It was more than a little gile veil of perceived reality. able to give the Collegiate the little infor-
creepy, Abadi said. He didnt BFEC Worker Clara Rivera annou- mation they received during his CA tra-
even have a shovel. He was dig- nced that the trees around the area that ining.
ging with his hands. Ababi also the Collegiate was able to identify as the Not gonna lie, we really, like rea-
added that the box was distinctly burial site have started to sport bulbous lly really needed Community Advisors,
scream-colored. The smell, she black growths that dont look completely Dave Sczalowsnivich, Director of Hou-
unlike faces twisted in agony. Additio- sing and Residential Life said in an email.
said, was normal though. It was
nally, whatever precipitation that would We dont ask questions when someone
that weird boy dorm room smell,
normally occur there has been replaced applies. No one wants that job. We even
but stronger.
Samuel Shavinson 20, who by blood, which includes localized blood have the Caples ghost working for us.
has Beauregard as his Community rainstorms, blood dew, and, yes, even de- After being pressed for more details,
Advisor, said that things had been lightfully rouge blood snow. Sczalowsnivich stated that he could
getting eldritch af, my dude, a The BFEC has named this new area neither confirm nor deny that Beaure-
view that aligns with several other The Grove of a Thousand Sorrows and gard was actually an avatar of Nergal,
members of his hall. Shavinson has dispatched student workers to build Mesopotamian god of plagues. n
be able to utilize the multi-
purpose space. The campus Correction: Student Org Actually Short for Student Organization
can now look forward to an
increased supply of depressing
plays about white suffering.
I didnt know there were An article published in the last edition of The Collegiate misused the abbreviation Student
other kinds of suffering besi-
des that of white people, let Org. The term actually refers to Student Organization, not Student Orgasm.
alone plays about it, the Black
Box manager told the Colle-
giate.
Most optimistically, the Correction: BFEC Actually Abbreviation for Bee Feces
addition of a B.O.C to what fe-
els like hundreds of NCAs will
push the campus toward more
An article published in the last edition of The Collegiate referred to the BFEC as the Brown
positive and inclusive action.
According to the Presidents Family Environmental Center. BFEC is actually short for Bee Feces. Were still not sure how
office, It is a drop in the buc-
ket. But I mean, if you think we fucked up so royally.
about it a drop is like a lot of
water. n
PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING
THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2016 3

Student Life NEWS

TOP 5 MAJORS TO HAVE MANSPLAINED TO YOU

by the REGISTRAR
Hey ladies!! We all know that academic
study is mostly about listening to men
explain things to you!!! But lucky us, we
dont get to just experience this with that
professor who should have retired a cou-
ple, or maybe 20, years ago, we also get to
have it happen at parties!!! Kenyon is truly
a *~*learning community~*; some of the
most important academic moments hap-
pen outside of the classroom and on the
Old K patio, when he offers you that half
a cig and explains your major to you. For
reference, since we dont know much, here
are the top 5 majors guaranteed to get you
a good lesson on a night out! Remember,
knowledge is power: no matter how much
you have of it, men already baseline have
more!
1. PHILOSOPHY: ladies, you havent re-
ally understood Nietzsche until a self-titled
nihilist, translation, sadboi, has hit you
up at a party. Never mind how much you
kicked ass and took names in Symbolic Lo-
gic: this English majors gonna bring Freud
into this and remind you of the grappling of
the ego. I admire how much he keeps his in
check even though he knows so much!
2. RELIGIOUS STUDIES: hey girl,
dont you know that religious institutions
are oppressing man? No matter how long
you might have studied the colonialism and
condescension that came with this post-en-
lightenment dismissal of religion, or lear-
ned enough about Luther to know why he
nailed his 95 thesis to the church door, this
dude is gonna try to nail you AND give you
95 thesis on why religion is evil. but dont
worry, hes totally spiritual and youll pro-
bably see him at the PCs meditation ses-
sion next week. So glad he could save me
from the evils of the system, man!
3. NEUROSCIENCE: Dont worry, girls,
Humanities isnt the only thing men know
all about!!! Never mind that in-depth sum-
mer science research you did, stoner bro is
ready to tell you all about the power of do-
pamine and the latest research on the the-
rapeutic power of hallucinogens. Prepare to
take notes, and expand your consciousness,
because youre about to hear a lot about sti-
mulation! Dont worry about which recep-
tors or brain areas hes referring to, its not
important.
4. WOMEN + GENDER STUDIES:
This could go two ways ladies, but dont
worry, either way is a chance for you to
learn.Either youre gonna learn that hey,
why is it even called feminism? If the
goal is gender equality youve vastly mis-
sed your goal and frankly, men have lots
of issues of inequality too. Thank god you
dodged that bullet! Now that youve woke
up from this liberal bullshit, you can drop
WGS and declare a reasonable major that
follows a male canon! Either that, or youre
gonna learn youre wayyyyyy not woke
enough, girl. Like when he ghosts you af-
ter youve performed emotional labor for
the feelings hes progressive enough to be
open about. Thats because relationships
are constructs, and he doesnt want you to
feel oppressed! Do you understand femi-
nism now? good!
5. and lastly, PHYSICS: Planets, man.
Galaxies. but also atoms. Macro and micro,
man, so crazy right!! Do you ever think that
maybe the galaxy IS an atom, man? thats
what physics is right??

Class of 2017 Receives 4 Month Eviction Notice

by SCOOTER
G
A M B I E R
Students from the
Class of 2017 re-
ceived shocking news upon
returning from their winter va-
cations. An email sent from the
Office of Housing and Residen-
tial Life contained a four month
notice of a mass eviction this
May. The colleges decision to
evict almost 450 of its students
has caused confusion and panic
among the entire student body.
When I received the email,
the first thing I thought of was
my kids. said Michelle Dranko-
vitch 17, referring to sophomo-
res two years her junior. What
am I going to tell them? That
Big Mamas lost the house? That
theyll have to make new friends
now?
Drankovitch isnt the only
one to express concerns. Merlin
Marlow 17, has been a Gambier
resident for almost an eighth of
a generation: Ive lived in these
here parts forever he told the
Collegiate, rocking in his chair
on the back porch of Peirce, shi-
ning his Adidas, and chewing
Non-GMO sunflower seeds. I
aint ever lived anywhere else,
cept for Brooklyn, Ann Arbor,
and that one time my youth
group went to Nepal. When
asked about his future plans, he
said hed move on out west, live
off the land, intern for a start-
up.
Underclassmen also have
their concerns. Many believe that
they themselves might be forced
to leave Kenyon at some point in
the near future. First they kick
out the seniors, then theyll build
a Starbucks. Is the class of 2018
next? Dustin McKenna 18 said
in a tweet.
The administration has de-
fended its choice on its website,
citing that seniors were extraor-
dinarily awful tenants.
When they moved in in the
fall of 2013, I thought, well, there
goes the neighborhood explai-
ned Carol McDiddles, Director
of Housing and Residential Life.
This one student, oh my god,
she must be a senior now, she
came to my office her freshman
year concerned about mold. I
told her, honey, what do I look
like, some kind of mold expert?
VILLAGE RECORD
Her parents sued.
McDiddles then went back to Sat Jan 21: 8:15 a.m.: Is that motherfucker
eating her salad, saying sorry, doing work at Wiggins this early? Learn to re-
do you mind if I eat this salad? lax, dude.
Even more shockingly, it
seems administrators began to Sat Jan 21 8:44 a.m.: Open can of beer found
plan this eviction in April 2013. un-drunk. Total bummer. Recycled by Campus
Safety.
Obscure and classified docu-
ments, such as the Colleges wi-
Sat Jan 21 3:45 p.m.: Shadowy character re-
kipedia page, refer to the school
ported outside Farr Hall. Upon inspection, just
as a four year institution.
manifestation of guilt.
Regardless, the class of 2017
seems to be living on borrowed Sat Jan 21 11:12 p.m.: Complaints regarding
time. Seniors only have four Philanthrodance, Ballroom Dance Club caught
months to pack their things, salsa-ing to R. Kellys Ignition (Remix). Three
apply for entry level jobs, and students detained.
find new housing in a generic
urban sprawl. Some are already Sat Jan 21 11:45 p.m.: Student chews and
swallows thirty five pieces of gum before noon,
asking their parents for rent
hospitalized, as gumming sweeps campus.
money.
Im moving to Chicago
Sat Jan 21: fuck oclock: ;)
says Mandy Bandillon 17, an
unironic twinge of youthful Sun Jan 22 2:01 a.m.: Pile of Dirt Behind
hope in her voice. Im sure Ill Black Box Stolen
just figure it out eventually. Ma-
ybe I could work in a start-up! Sun Jan 22 3:55 a.m.: Student caught eating
But Bandillons chipper blood orange. Detained and questioned by Cam-
attitude is anomalous in an pus Safety.
otherwise fearful senior class.
The eviction email signs off
with a cheerful Finish strong!.
 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2017
4

OPINION Local voices

Point Counter-Point
My Break Was Pretty Good My Break Was Also Pretty Good
by FRIEND 1 by FRIEND 2
Hey! Good to see you. My break? It was nice. Pretty chill. I mostly hung out Me? I slept in a lot, haha. I didnt really do anything, honestly. I saw that new
around the house, spent time with family. I got some new socks for Christmas. I movie, I guess. It was nice to not have any classwork. I got pretty bored at home
dont know. Im happy to be back on campus--I think Im less sad here, anyway. though--all my friends and I did was dick around at Dairy Queen and pretend
How about you? to still have things in common. Anyway. I have to go sell my eggs for textbook
money, but lets catch up later?

APPLY
TO WRITE
FOR
the COLLEGIATE
email
kenyon.collegiate@
gmail.com
for more info

DOWN TO CLOWN WITH PHOTOSHOP OR CARTOONS? INQUIRE WITHIN.

THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2017 5

Current events in the Village LOCAL

Phi Taus Announce Phase 4 Complete

by DALLAS HERNANDEZ

L
OWER PEIRCE Phase 5 is a go! cried
a triumphant Jacques Kornele 17 as he
addressed his brothers late Saturday night. Ju-
bilant applause erupted from the expectant members
of Phi Kappa Tau. Few thought Phase 4 could be com-
pleted this early, and with only half the liabilities.
Kornele ran for Phi Tau president on a platform
comprising an intricate 14.2 phase plan to achieve
[REDACTED]. With the completion of Phase 4, consi-
dered by many of the brothers to be the third-hardest ?
phase, Kornele can now comfortably set his sights
on bringing the group to 50% completion of Phase 5
within the next time ration.
I know its been challenging, a kitchen dodger to
be sure, but I cannot thank you enough for your conti-
nuous devotion throughout Phase 4. When the secon-
dary arc began way back at 24% Phase 2, deep pres-
cience was still in-between us and Phase 4 completion. tiative, explained irate Phi Tau Kent Furrow 19. the vast majority of Phi Taus reported that they
And well, Kornele paused, beaming at his brothers. Im not saying that BEARTRAPTM didnt were Pleased by the outcomes.
Just look at our capacity now! yield positive outcomes, Im just afraid that if Kornele concluded his speech saying Great-
While it is true that the Phi Tau capacity as has in- we keep dismissing the tangential arcs, were all ness is not something that can be found between
creased exponentially since the Cornwallis Maneuver, going to end up in the kitchen. And yknow, if we Phases 9 through 12, but rather in the hallowed
Korneles words failed to convince everyone present. all end up spatulas and spoons, then what the hell chambers in which we have deliberately sealed
Sure, Phase 4 is complete, but what hes not ack- is this even for? it. Heres to seven more time rations, a few more
nowledging is the complete scrubbing of Plasma Ini- Despite concerns from brothers like Furrow, floaters, and continued capacity excess! n

New Film Building Allows Students to Im Writing You Up for This

Ignore Community from up Close

Beer Because Im Tired of
Feeling Powerless

N
by TIPPI BRIZARD Mop 18, economics major, in reference to the department EW APTSHey! Its me, your CA. I noticed

M
that is nearly six years old. that you left an empty beer can under your
OUNT VERNON, OHIO Kenyon College is ex- desk over winter break. Normally, I would
Im excited to physically get closer to Mount Vernon let something like this slide, but you caught me on
pected to open its long-awaited film department
while emotionally and intellectually remaining as far away a bad day. I get it. Youre a junior. Youre in college.
building in Mount Vernon this week. The Bucke-
as possible, said Sandy Benign 19, a film major. As a You love chowing down on some of that disaster
ye Candy Building, now renamed The Wright Center, be-
Boston native myself, I feel like a guest in Ohio. But I see drink, am I right? I can understand that. In fact,
cause Moneybags McWright has a lot of money, will house Im in somewhat of a similar place myself. I want
no reason why I should learn about the community that
production facilities for Kenyons virtually nonexistent film to do something I shouldnt, something that I
hosts me. know is bad for me. You catch my drift. You know,
department. The building will also provide an opportunity
David Vasari, a Board of Trustees member influen- dear resident, that beer is bad for you, but you just
for Kenyon students to be closer in proximity to the Mount
tial in the purchasing of the Buckeye Building touted the cant resist its alluring scent, the sweet taste of it
Vernon community they will continue to ignore on the reg. on your lips. Fuck, you want it so bad it hurts.
Wright Centers role in Kenyons campus. Its a great
When staring into the eyes of the dragon that is the kind Jennifer dumped me during finals week.
opportunity for students to confront their privilege, said
and welcoming city of Mount Vernon, Kenyon students are Its been pretty hard on me. She was the One, you
Vasari. We expect that most students will drive to the know? The pot to my lid. Kind of like you and that
always willing to turn away.
Wright Center for their classes and then immediately leave beer, right buddy? Ha ha. See, I can still be a cool
For decades, Kenyon students have remained isolated
without acknowledging Mount Vernon at all. CA. Anyway, Im going to issue you a warning.
on the Hill with little interest in building ties with the Hopefully that will shame you into giving up beer
Film major Leonard Sebastian 17 said, I remember
native Ohioans that surround the college. The new Wright until your birthday. I couldve ignored it; most CAs
after the election, I talked a lot about wanting to engage would. But Im not most CAs. I dont work my ass
Center, located in the heart of downtown Mount Vernon,
more with Knox County instead of isolating myself in the off cleaning up your messes 24/7 so that I can be
allows students to ignore the Knox County community
liberal bubble of Kenyon. The new film building excites me nice and understanding. What am I, a fresh-
from up close.
because it provides an opportunity for me not do exactly man quad CA? No way. I run these New Apts like a
With the announcement of the Wright Center, many prison. You pay attention to me, understand? Ive
what I told myself I was going to.
Kenyon students are excited to learn that Kenyon has had gone through hell for you. Picking up after all your
As is tradition, no Mount Vernon residents were con- drunken mistakes, trying to schedule apartment
a film department all along. We do? What? said Marlon
tacted for this story. n meetings. You just dont care, do you? You never
have. Jennifer left me and nobody gives a shit.
Which brings me back to the can on your

FOR SALE:
floor. Ive seen a lot of things, but never such
an egregious disregard for my authority. Dirty
laundry on the floor, that I can understand. But
an empty beer can in an upperclassmen housing
space? Thats the straw that broke this camels

R E A L LY O L D B A B Y S H O E S
lumpy, arthritic back. I cant get back all of the
time Ive spent cleaning up after you, time that I
should have spent with Jennifer, but I can write
you up. Sorry buddy. Thems the breaks. Now, if
youll excuse me, I need to go bum weed off my
friend before she finds out that I wrote her up for
drug possession. n

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING