FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017 | Year MMXVII | Number 9.

5 | PRICE: CV WITH TWO REFERENCES

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Peirce Deconstructs
Sushi, Nihilism

Childhood Friends
Mom Takes Over
Comfort Station

Student Employee
Overjoyed by 0.67%
Raise

Freshman Concludes
Justice All About the
Maintenance Worker Puts Tampon in Machine, Quest
Blushes, Giggles, Runs
dy said that they were finally stocking up, Louisa put on permanent girls bathroom cleaning duty, the
Music Major Applies
by SQUEEPS MCQUEEPS
Idowu 19 said. I mean, dont get me wrong. I always worker added, visibly blushing. I cant do that. Thats for ESA, Adopts Jazz

O
LIN LIBRARY At approximately 11 p.m.
thought those things were mid-poop snack machines. where they go! Cat
Anything is better than nothing. Rosalinda Hanna, a female maintenance worker,
on Feb. 12, several students reported that a
was perplexed by the whole situation. According
member of the Maintenance Department
to her, she not only has no knowledge of anywhere
was seen briefly entering a womens bathroom on the Dont tell the boys about another maintenance worker might have gotten a
second floor of Olin Library, only to be seen exiting at
a brisk pace a few seconds later.
this, okay? tampon, but has never even seen a tampon in any

COLLEGIATE
supply closet on campus.
Leslie Aminah 17, who had been occupying the
Well, thats not completely true, Hanna said.
bathroom at the time, said that the worker had slip-
ped a single tampon into the machine before blushing
Through a composite sketch based on student I once thought I saw one in an old, forgotten cup-
witness accounts and the pool of maintenance faculty board, but it crumbled to dust as soon as I touched it.
STAFF
and breaking into a fit of giggling. Mary Richards . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
and staff that had responded positively to the What Of course, I would bring one from home, but I cant
There are a few things a person can witness that Lou Grant . .Miguel ngel Kill
is woman? question on a department-wide survey, afford to just give away such expensive luxury pro-
makes them feel truly lucky, Aminah said. Shooting Ted Baxter. . . . . Rotten Waspman
the Collegiate was able to identify the worker invol- ducts. Gordy Howard....theForbiddenMan
stars, Bigfoot, a good housing number. But a man
ved. He has asked to remain anonymous. The anonymous worker was unclear on whether Rhoda Morgenstern . . . . . . Scooter
remembering womens health? That takes the cake.
Hey, listen, said the anonymous maintenance or not he would ever do such a thing again, but added Sue Ann Nivens. . Squeeps Mcqueeps
Aminah told the Collegiate that, upon further in-
worker, dont tell the boys about this, okay? I was that he was intrigued by the concept of womens Murray Slaughter .. Dallas Hernandez
vestigation, it really was just that one tampon, and Phyllis Lindstrom . . . Tippi Brizard
just out to have some fun, you know? health. He was last seen in Olin at the research as-
no other bathroom in Olin or the Science Quad had Georgette Franklin . . . . . Baba Wawa
According to the worker, he had found the last re- sistance desk inquiring into what exactly a pagina
been stocked up raising more than a few questions Bess Lindstrom . . Sexmoney Coolidge
maining tampon in a box, and then made the decision was.n
among other women on campus. Marie Slaughter . . Salacious B. Crumb
based on the need to live a little.
Wait, there was only one? I thought somebo- Edie Grant . . . . Phil Tippett
But seriously, if somebody finds out I may be Ida Morgenstern . . . . . . . [REDACTED]

I Am the Girl Alone in That Wiggin Four-Top and Yeah, I Am Unaware

President of the World . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

standing right over me glaring. How was I 15 minute intervals before leaving, makes

L
by THE GIRL ALONE IN THE WIGGIN FOUR-TOP Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-
to know that when you said, Do you think honest sense. dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
ook, I got here at 9, picked a booth,
youll be here much longer? and Get up. I Think of it like manspreading but instead clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
set up my stuff, got up to get a glass of
was supposed to get up? Im taking up all the room by taking up so ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
water, went to the bathroom, remem-
To be honest, until you said something, little room. And the best part is, I brought Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
bered I forgot a book in my dorm, went back
I didnt know anyone but me existed in the coffee from Peirce. Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
for it, remembered I needed to go to Kro-
whole world. Hey. Dont worry. Ill leave my copy of Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
ger, picked my friend up from the airport,
But heres the thing. Its not that I cant the Collegian, the New York Times, an add/ I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
got North Star, decided to visit Oberlin and
move, its that Ive manufactured a reali- drop form, and the wrapper from three pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
drove back all while leaving my stuff in the
ty in my head in which you want to try the straws I didnt use and a strange brown
booth.
Bookstore or Olin or that building behind puddle behind on the table. But that wont Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
I just dont get why youre upset.
the firehouse instead. Ive forced ignorance be for another 45 minutes and thats when Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
I legit didnt know you and your three
to a point where I cant possibly conceptua- you have class. las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
friends were waiting by the water, then at
lize the basic supply and demand of these Cheers, Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
the comfy chairs, then at one of those midd-
ten Wiggin booths, and I feel like me, sitting The Girl Alone in That Wiggin Four-Top
le round tables, then at the back bar, then
alone here at
2 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017

NEWS Student Life

Not Enough Dialogue
About Not Having
Enough Dialogue
by SCOOTER

E
ver since Trumps inaugu-
ration, things have been
pretty tense. Im not the
only one whos noticed, right? Im
definitely no expert in political
science, or sociology, or anything,
really. But, correct me if Im wrong,
I think the solution, really, is to talk
to each other about well the
real problems that our our coun-
try, America is facing. Were not
having enough constructive dia-
logue. And worse, were not even
having dialogue about this campus
not having enough dialogue.
Take immigration. Whenever
I hear my friend, shes latina, or Ransom Hall: Whats the Deal There?
mexican, I think, but you would
How many rooms does Ransom Hall Funkeroos have their own housing there.
have to ask her. Anyway, whene-

ver I hear her talk about integra-
tion I have to stop her and tell her
to slow down! We havent had our
intellectual foreplay yet, the part of
the conversation where I say why
does nobody talk about integration
at this school? and then I make a
sympathetic face and basically be-
come the hero of the conversation.
Then shell say Im talking about
immigration, not integration and
Ill nod my head solemnly and re-
ally listen to her.
Racists, take notes.
Anyone can be a hero. This is
a small act of resistance that even
you can do. Its so much easier than
calling Bob Portboy. All you have
to do is really care about dialogue,
you know? Support the dialogue.
For example, the gays. Whe-
never my homosexual friend talks
about RuPauls drag race, I mana-
ge to turn it political! People really
dont talk about the implications
of drag at this school and then
hell say what implications do you
mean and Ill say the ones you
are insinuating, currently, are not
R
by THE FORBIDDEN MAN
ANSOM HALL I know
what youre thinking.
Youre strolling to class
and glance over your shoulder and
you think: Ransom Hall what is
going on there? It sits right there
in the middle of campus, right off
Middle Path, and we know almost
nothing about it.
How long has it been there?
Eons? Maybe. Or maybe just,
like, a handful of years. Its impos-
sible to say. For example, no one
is quite sure how long ago it was
that a dark wizard nabbed several
crows out of the sky individually
and petrified them, all for the sake
of ornamentation. Who hired this
master arcane decorator? Where
is he now? These are the possibly
important questions.
Happy Valentines Day Hey Wait, Listen. Im Not Like Those Other Guys
From the Collegiate.
by ZADBAI THE REPTILIAN
have? More importantly, how many
rooms does it not have, and what would
be going on in those rooms, if they exis-
ted? Blood orgies? Sources say maybe.
If you stand facing Ransom Hall and
close your eyes, is it still there? If you lif-
ted it up in the air, would there be a sma-
ller Ransom Hall underneath? And what
would be underneath that one? A smaller
Peirce? No, thats highly unlikely.
Ransom Hall has many windows,
which everyone knows are the eyes of the
soul, leading many to believe that there
are living breathing human beings in the-
re. But what theyre doing and who they
are is anyones guess. Maybe Ransom
Hall hosts daily knife-sharpening class.
Its possible that the entire east wing of
the building is home to the notorious
gang of bankrobbers, the Saltlick Seven.
And some people even believe that the
secret society known only as the Gargoyle
of Annunaki who will just act like
their tastes are so unique, and
Blueprints found in the librarys ar-
chives show that Ransom almost defini-
tely has a basement, but everyone is still
completely in the dark concerning whats
down there. Some say its a large chamber
where everyones tuition money is coun-
ted by an old and grouchy owl wearing a
pince-nez. Others think it is a prison in
which to hide away the failed biochem ex-
periment of 1986, the Tallest Boy. Or
its where the frisbee team keeps their ex-
tra frisbees. Honestly, whos to say?
As haunting as the idea is, the Kenyon
community may simply need to come to
terms with the fact that the true nature
and purpose of Ransom Hall may remain
a mystery for as long as it continues to
stand there, casting its long and possi-
bly shape-changing shadow across the
lawns. But one things for sure; the car-
peting is very tasteful. n
So yes. I have all the traits all
these other serpentboiz have, at

being talked about enough and
then hell say I dont know what
Im insinuating and Ill say you
hit the nail on the head, James, you
really hit the nail on the head.
Its super simple!
So, my dudes, my friends, my
tired, my poor, my huddled mas-
ses We must talk more! Speak
up! Let your voice be heard over the
din! Its time we talked more about
talking more. Better, its time you
listened to me talk more about tal-
king more, and Ill be your knight
in shining armor, ready to talk over
those who would silence you. Me,
gabbing off the ear of tyranny. n
L
ets just get this out of the
way first. Yes I play the
slitherhorn. Yes, that is The
Hatcher in the Rye on my shelf.
And yes, Im an art history ma-
jor. I know. But listen. This isnt
just some mating ritual to me,
okay? I care about you, and Im
not just saying that.
Most guys would say that
theyre not really into poetry be-
cause the real poets are infiltra-
ting Earth government and not
Call writing sonnets today, and I get
(202) 224-3353 that. But its true, you know? I
know that there is a type in the
for a good time.
mating scene that people cant
seem to get around, that its au-
tomatically assumed that guys
like me are this monolithic group
then assume youll be impressed.
Theyll pose it like theyre so uni-
que and misunderstood just be-
cause they feed off human anxie-
ty. As if we all dont! Like theyre
some alien being that should be
revered, and their difference
makes them complicated. And
usually, its the same cookie-
cutter thing theyll shapeshift
for any girl, saying anything they
can to fertilize your nest. Its all
about the thorax, they just wanna
secrete their pheromone spores
all over, or rub ovipositors. Even
though girls hate rubbing ovi-
positors. See? I care about that
stuff. I dont just want a girl with
a nice infundibulum. I want a girl
with nice soul-chamber.
first. I like the same scrolls, the
same music, the same means of
genetically manipulating the fu-
ture of the Earthling race. Why
should you believe me over any
of them? Theres really no way to
know for sure. You dont know if
Ill break all four of your hearts.
You dont know whether or not
this will pay off, this will become
something, or if Im just using up
you and your time. Its a risk. And
ultimately youll have to decide
whether its worth taking. But if
you believe in me, Id really like
someone to share my hive-sack
during our halfnights. Please,
put your faith and love in my
meathammers.
n

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING

THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017 3

Student Life NEWS

Im In the 1%, But Like, Not As 1% As Julia
Student Council Forms Committee our long-distance call when he was

for Otherworldly Affairs

were only losing, at most, one
N
by KIMBERLY
in Tokyo, and he thought it was
EW SIDEHave you
hilarious. Daddys pretty down
heard about that New York
to earth, not like so many other
Times Thing? I cant belie-
bros in the back. Kenyon parents. He flies business

P
by SALACIOUS B. CRUMB
ve that one in five Kenyon students
or two folks per month to the The seven-member council class, not first class, and I love that
EIRCE HALLRes- have a household with more than
oozing tar pools behind Olin draws on a number of well-res- about him. I remember that during
ponding to repeated a $600,000 income. Our school
now. said Officer Shawn Spi- pected community members, winter break in the Bahamas, he
calls to address the is so privileged. I dont even know
cy, violently punting a small and is chaired by Quidditch pulled me aside and said Jenny,
spate of possessions, haun- what my parents make. Like yeah,
goblin that had skittered onto Team Captain Dragos Dra- if you keep maxing out the credit
tings, and interdimensional we go to the Bahamas every win-
Middle Path during our inter- cul 18, an exchange student card I gave you, Im going to have
blood sacrifices on campus, ter break, but we dont go to Fiji or
view before sighing and sha- from Transylvania. I dont to take it away. It was so sweet! As
student leaders assigned the anything, and the hotel we stay at
king his head grimly. If the vant to drink anyones blahd if he would ever take my credit card
newly-created Committee for is like, a chain. Its kind of weird to
fraternities had listened to us and never have, why do you away. Daddy can be a real kidder
Otherworldly Affairs to inves- know that some of my friends never
too, maybe their pledge class ask? he began, unprompted, sometimes.
tigate and combat the para- even have to think about paying for
would be illegally enjoying before adding, Ah ah ah, only I bet Julia doesnt have a daddy
normal incidents. textbooks. My parents pay for my
some shitty beer right now ins- joking of course, but there like that. I feel sorry for her, really.
According to recent sta- textbooks, but I go and pick them
tead of the horrible, horrible are most certainly evil crea- It can be lonely, up there in her dia-
tistics compiled by the new up myself. I dont have a butler do
fate they suffered. tures out there who do! And mond palace of wealth. Does anyo-
committee, nearly one in fif- it or anything, like I bet Julia does.
Student Council Senator we will find them, and assign ne actually like her, or are they just
teen students have experien- I really cant believe how much
Basil Oregano 17, a fraternity them the harshest academic using her for her money? Yesterday,
ced a shiver down their spine cash people have laying around
member himself, demanded penalties allowed within our when I was buying my best friend
while passing the cemetery here. Julia has a convertible, and
that the Committee take swift authority as members of the Kelsey dinner at the KI, she said
near Horvitz, and at least one shes not even from LA like me.
action to identify unearthly ha- student leadership commu- she felt sorry for Julia, too. I bet all
in twenty have been dragged Why would you need a convertible
zards. I simply cannot stand nity! creaked Dracul, before those trips to Mexico with her fratty
down into a grave and held in New York City of all places? I bet
by and watch another pledge nursing gently on his recently boyfriend arent as morally fulfi-
there overnight. However, her daddy gave it to her for her bir-
class liquefy after staring into cut thumb. lling as all my trips to Paris with
Campus Safetys recent series thday. When my daddy gave me my
the eyes of the shapeshifting At presstime, the commit- my alt boyfriend. Maybe she should
of informational emails regar- birthday BMW, I wished it was a
Bexley Banshee! I demand ac- tee was preparing its final re- try WWOOFing over the summer,
ding the cycles of the moon convertible, but I sure as hell didnt
countability! I demand action! port for the Council regarding giving back to the earth. Did I tell
have, at the very least, helped complain. Some of us make do with
I demand a slow-moving, va- the minor rip in the space-ti- you that I went WWOOFing in Ar-
the student body avoid trave- what we have. Some of us pull our-
guely intimidating bureaucra- me continuum at the Gates of gentina last summer? So amazing.
ling through the area during selves up by our own Blundstone
tic investigation! shouted the Hell, which had transported Everyone should do it, honestly. All
lycanthrope feasting hours. bootstraps.
Senator in his address to the three tour groups of prospec- these rich Kenyonites should get
Were very proud that the This school is so elitist some-
Council this past Sunday, to a tive students into a swirling out in the world a little more and
Studio Art Department took times, I swear. Yesterday, I saw
chorus of suh dude from his vortex of knives. n experience reality. I know it really
our guidelines seriously -- someone bring $10 hummus into
helped me.n
Peirce. I told Daddy about that on

Hazing At All Time Low, According to AVIs Sustain-A-Tampon

Todays Fraternities Program a Success
Throughout the weeks sed up a couple of pledges and by TIPPI BRIZARD cant share a few dozen tampons

C A
by DICK MORRIS
VI is following up their between us all?
since pledging season started, used them to play a game of
iting the new Greek highly successful Sustain- Suzy Sanders 19 added
many fraternities have come human shuffle board, we made that the new program comple-
regulations, a decli- A-Mug program with an
out with similar messages, him pound 10 shots of grain al-
even more successful Sustain-A- tely changed her experience here
ning beer sales and
claiming that their prospective cohol. However, he only made Tampon program which applied at Kenyon. I havent bought
overall reduction in fuckboi- tampons in months! said San-
members were being treated it to four before he passed the same waste-reduction tactics
ery, local fraternity president
to feminine hygiene products ders. I just stop by Peirce, look
with dignity and respect. It out so we wrote Pussy on at the rack, grab a tampon that
Todd Garrett announced that, previously thought of as dispo-
was kind of a shift of pace said his forehead. We didnt want speaks to me, and pop her up in-
despite rumors, hazing is at sable.
D-Phi historian Garth, telling to but we had to. AVIs new program re- side me.
an all-time low. This program has been
reporters that despite years Sean is a pussy though, cycles tampons for reuse. The
Weve really moved away
new system follows a simple pro- so great! screamed Sage Shub-
of tireless work learning how interjected Todd bert 17. I can now take my tam-
from the older, more barbaric cess: students bring their used
to break a human mind, the While many praise the pon out in New Side and drop it
traditions Todd explained tampons out from the bathrooms
fraternity would be stepping Dont Haze me Bro sys- and put them on the dish return on my tray next to my apple core
all the while wiping blood off and scraps of quinoa.
back. tem for its ability to reduce trays. The AVI staff then wrings
of what appeared to be a lar- Jenna Brouch 18, a frequen-
Much of this reduction is hazing, some Greeks believe out the tampons and return
ge beekeepers uniform. The them to the servery for reuse. ter of Lower Peirce expressed
being accredited to the frater- the system flies in the face her enthusiasm for the new pro-
days of storing kids under The idea was conceived
nities new Dont haze me bro of everything fraternities by ECO president Chelsea Mc- ject by saying This is wrong
floorboards or say I dont and gross in so many ways. She
policy, which was instated by are supposed to stand for. I Nair 17. I remember I used to
know making them spend a went on to explain her support
the local chapters pledge mas- didnt join a frat to be trea- throw out every ceramic mug
night with a hive of Africani- after using it only once. Then for the new program, mumbling
ter, Diego Mitchell. Basically, ted like someone with in- End this now.
zed bees is long over. Peirce started Sustain-A-Mug
we established a series of pu- herent value, said Scotty, a and I learned that ceramic mugs When interviewed, King AVI
Besides, with climate said We are not affiliated with
nishments that disincentivize disgruntled pledge fighting can be used nearly countless ti-
change the way it is today, this. We dont know who is clea-
hazing behaviors within the the tears welling up behind mes. I thought we could apply
where would you even get Afri- this same principle to tampons. ning the tampons. I dont think
fraternity, explained Mitchell his eyes. They havent even anyone is. Just throw them out.
canized bees? The prices are Who's to say a tampon needs to
For example, when Sean grea- made me eat dogfood. n be disposed of after just one use? Environmentalism have to have
through the roof!
Who's to say the whole campus a line. n
 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017
4

OPINION Local voices

4 MAZES THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY KAFKAESQUE!

This one is definitely about bureacracy. I think it has something to do with the absurdity of modernity?

To be fair, Ive only read The Metamorphisis. Life is a trap of our own design.

Is This What You Fucking Want? Screams

VILLAGE RECORD
King AVI, Pelting Students With Hot Dogs
Fri Feb. 3rd: 9:02 pm: Aunt Vanya danced Sat Feb 4th: 11:45 pm: Cathy detained.
until her clogs fell off.

P
by ORD DIMMESDALE Sun Feb 5th: 7:02 am: Happy Valentines Day!
EIRCE HALLAfter numerous complaints from students, Fri Feb 3rd: 11:11 pm: Moon doesnt even Ha ha, gotcha bud!
King AVI has descended from his kingdom in the sky to make show up to own fucking party.
war. I am become death, he explained to a perplexed New Sun Feb 5th: 11:13 am: Ice for bruch! Eat it you
Side, at noon on Thursday. Cant you understand that we need nu- Sat Feb 4th: 6:03 pm: Loser eats dinner at suckers!
Peirce.
trition? screamed Jessa Walt 18, throwing a watery pasta marina
Sun Feb 5th: 11:20 am: Ice all gone :(
towards the King in protest. The King, after neatly avoiding the pro-
Sat Feb 4th: 9:99 pm: Pores eyes gush blood,
jectile, opened his wide sleeves to reveal a mass of pink, steaming campus safety rejoices Sun Feb 5th: 4:20 pm: 4:20 pm
hot dogs.
Hot dogs have protein, Jessa he said, barely speaking above a Sat Feb 4th: 11:23 pm: MOM: 3 MISSED
whisper. Hot dogs began to rain from the ceiling and wriggle their CALLS
way through vents in the walls. King AVI walked to the ketchup dis-
penser, seasoned a dog, and strode away, his task complete. n