MY MOTHER DIDNT RAISE ME Up BY LERATO PHOKANE

I was only seven years when my mother and her boyfriend abundant me in town
to suffer. I don't know what kind of a woman is she. She chose her boyfriend over
her own daughter. After they dropped me off I cried so hard shouting "mom,
mom" but they just left off anyway. I for one minute thought it must be some
kind if a joke. But after a while when it's getting dark I realized she's not coming
back. My tears were so dry. Could not cry anymore. I just sat there at the bench
of a bus station. Buses came and go. People knocking off from work waiting for
bus I sat there with them. When the bus came I just remain . I couldn't climb in.
They knew where they were going. I didn't. I didn't even know where I was. One
lady noticed that I was alone. She asked me. "what is your name?" I just kept
quiet. I looked aside. I didn't want her to see me crying. "Why are you by yourself
this late. Won't your parents be worried back at home?" What home, which
parent. I don't have any home. I guess I will be one of the kids who have no
homes who lives on the streets. I will also make a living by begging. I am so
confused. Or maybe this woman will take me in to her house if I tell her my story.
I don't know . all my life I've never been loved . even my own mother hates me . I
remember this old woman I used to call her Gog`flo . she took me in to her house
when I was about six months old . my mama left me in her room to go play cards
drink beer with her friend. I used to cry until my voice ran out. Gog'flo knew my
mom very well . how irresponsible she was. She only wanted to check if
everything was alright. She found me fell on bed messed up my clothes very dry
hungry and unpleasant condition. I could have died that day because she left me
early in the morning n never returned till late. Gog'flo saved my life that day and
she took me under her care. My mother never bothered to come check if I was
OK. She continued to live her wild life with her friends. I never knew her. Gog'flo
told me all this things one day when she was very sick She told me about my
mother and that she must take me back to her as she could no longer look after
me. Her sickness was getting bad by day. Finally I had the pleasure of meeting
my mom. She was not expecting me. She never showed any sign of excitement
that I'm back into her life . in fact she was stressed. She didn't know what to say
to me or what to do with me. After that day we heard that Gog'flo passed on . it
was very sad to me. Later on she came to me saying I must take off my uniform
and put on something descent. We were going to town. I was so happy. I have
never been to town before. It was my first time. Her boyfriend came I don't even
know him. He looked scary n freaky. He drove us off. I was just silent in the car. I
didn't know what to say to them . they are both strangers to me. They were also
not saying anything to me. When we reached town they told me to go buy ice
cream for myself . as I entered the shop they drove off . I screamed after their
car but it ran off anyway and disappeared into many cars in traffic . The man who
sells ox Head and pap noticed that I've been there for a while ."hey hey " he
shouts out to me. I looked at him." are you waiting for your mother? " he asked. I
looked down sadly and shook my head . ' what are you doing here this time.
won't they get worried back at home ?" I again shook my head. this time I
couldn't hold it together. I broke down in tears ."hey hey don't cry come here. are
you hungry? " I was very hungry . last time I ate was at school during lunch. the
man gave me pap n meat .I ate and enjoyed it it was delicious I was surprised
man can cook. "do you want some more " I wanted some more but too shy to say
"well at six the bus is coming. I'm going home with you. I have a son. He's eight
years. How old are you?" "Seven " , " hah I'm sure you guys will get along just
fine." "What's his name"? I asked. " Thabo. What is yours? "I'm Lethabo" the bus
came we climbed in. He was full of jokes on the way. He was telling me stories
that made Me laugh . I liked him. I totally forgot what happened to me . I wished
he could adopt me. We got to his house . we found his nice family. The man had
two sons. The older one is Moses he was eighteen years. Thank was eight . their
mother was not happy with my presence. She didn't understand. I overheard
them argue about me. She thought I might be her husband daughter from one of
his mistress at town. She was very fuming . she wanted to send me away at once
but her husband finally managed to calm her down. He explained the story which
I told him about me. She was doubtful but calmed about the situation. We had
dinner at one table. Their table had four chairs. I had no space. "Thabo , boy
please go look for a crate so that Lethabo can sit on" said the mom to her
youngest son. He went out and came back with a crate . I sat on it and had
supper with them. The food was nice. After a while we watched television. We
were ordered to bed. I slept on the floor in Thabo's room. In the morning
everyone was getting ready to go to school and work. I remained sleeping. I was
awake though listening to them and their moves . I was not going to school. after
few minutes when everyone was gone. It was just me and their mother. "Hey hey
. you think you came for a holiday in my house" she started shouting taking the
blankets off me. I was so scared. " you are going to tell me today. Who is your
mother. Where do you come from?, you think I will let a busted come live free in
my house. Get up get out of here and go sweep the yard. You lazy mouse ." I
quickly ran out of the house . so shocked . she was so nice to me in front of her
husband. Why is she being so mean to me now? As I was still confused she threw
a broom into my face. " I want the whole yard swept and spotless. From corner to
corner. " she ordered. I'm just a seven year old child what do I know about
sweeping. Gog'flo swept her yard on her own. She used to wake up early in the
morning while I was still asleep and swept . I never saw her does it. How will I
start . I tried all I could do was just drawing more mess I could not sweep. She
came check if I was doing her orders . she got very angry . took the broom hit me
hard with the stick. "What did you do to my yard. You are useless no wonder why
your mother abandoned you. Today I'm going to teach you a lesson. You will not
eat in this house until you sweep clean my yard. Do you hear me? Rat." I cried
took a broom starting from the bottom I swept . I don't get it right. I started all
over again until the place was spotless. By that time it was two o'clock. Since I
have started sweeping at seven. I was tired hungry and thirsty. But before I
could eat I was made to wash all the dishes and clean the kitchen. My day was
very long . I didn't want to continue staying there buy where would I go. I wish
Gog'flo would have told me about my father before she died. I don't know his
name or anything about him. Where will I start looking if I were to start. Life is
meant to be a blessing but mine feels like a curse . in the evening while we were
waiting for Mr Matabane to come home he never returned. We ate supper
without him. His wife tried to call him but he didn't answer. In the morning police
men came to the house with bad news. Mr Matabane was robbed and murdered
by two criminals last night. He was shot at heart . died at the scene. I felt like I
could also die. I was in that house because of him. He was the only one who
cared about me. Now he is gone. Two weeks later after his funeral in the
afternoon. Matabane went to her stokvels Thank was playing soccer with his
friends at the fields. I was alone but after a while Moses came back . he was
drunk. " hey little girl. Where is everyone " I told him where his mother went but
before I could finish it he grasped me lifted me up all the way to his room. I
screamed hard but no one heard me

" what are you doing. Put me down" I cried . he threw Me in bed undress me
undress himself. He forced himself on me. I cried " you are hurting me. stop" but
he never stopped. I felt so helpless . the pains I was going through. His sheets
were full of blood. My blood. I was still bleeding . I didn't know how to stop the
blood. I couldn't walk. I just sat there . crying feeling betrayed and helpless. His
mother came back . she found me in that condition. " and what is this. What
happened to you" she went to Moses s room. " Moses what did you do to her. You
could get arrested for this. " Moses was too drunk . he never responded he kept
on singing his joyous songs. " you come here . go take a bath . if you ever say
anything about this to anyone. I will kill you. I will not have my son in jail for
raping a little whore " why is everything bad happening to me. I'm only seven
years old. Why am I being punished for ? I kept quiet about this incident .maybe I
should be thankful that thy put me under their roof. I would be in streets if it
weren't for them. I became their slaves . I learnt how to cook do home chores . I
woke up everyday knowing what to do . I accepted the situation. Until one day
Mrs. Matabane got kicked out of her job. She struggled to feed her children let
alone an extra mouth. She told me to leave her house. It was at night. Raining.
Too dark outside. I didn't know where to go. As I kept walking I got chased by a
dog. I ran so fast but tripped and fell. Dog catch up on me it started biting my
leg. My leg was wounded I couldn't walk. I sat there by a road near a sheeben . I
heard voices from guys. Five nyaope addicts. They were coming to my direction. I
shouted help. They stopped couldn't see me clearly . " help. I got bitten by a dog
" one of them started laughing. "Hey guys look it's a girl' they all laughed . got
excited shouting it's a girl it's a girl! As if it's the first time they saw a girl. " help
me'' I said with a soft tired voice. "Let's help her guys" said the other one . " help
for what. I know one thing I could do with a girl. God gave us all a present. It's
been a while since I got layed " thy all started to have sex with me one after the
other. Time after time all night long until they got fed up with me
They left me lying there on the ground Unconscious. Some people found me in
the morning and took me to the clinic.

The nurse asked what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to Begin to tell her
that I got bitten by a dog or some crazy nyaope guys helped their selves with
me. My life is such a mess. What did I do to deserve all this. Why can't I just have
a normal life like any other kids? How is it possible for a person to be alive yet
has no family. I have no one I don't know where I belong. I'm just a nobody. I
might as well die. There is nothing that I'm living for. Everyone who sleeps wakes
up for a new day with reasons yet I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. I
told the nurse everything about me. How I got here. I hate being felt sorry for.
"How old are you" the nurse asked. She was shocked to see a fourteen years old
whose gone through so much. "My shift ends at four. Can you just go buy
yourself something to eat. Here is money. Hang around. I'm taking you home
with me" she was kind. Usually I heard nurses are the most rudest people. But
nurse Mapule was kind. She was warm to me she listened to every word I said.
She never judged me or made fun of me. I went to buy vetkoeks a lady sold them
outside the gate of the clinic. Then I went to the tap and drank the medication
nurse Mapule gave me. She tested me for HIV and pregnancy. She told me to
come back after six weeks to check again. I was too tired to wait on the benches
as my leg was still hurting. She gave me a bed in maternity ward to lay back a
bit. But she said if someone whose in labour comes they will chase me out. Time
was going very slow. I fell asleep on the bed and Nurse Mapule waked me up at
her end shift. We got in to her car . she played gospel music. She drove one of
those nice small car with leather seats . she looked so young and beautiful. She
wore a ring on her left hand finger. I was amazed by her . everything about
Mapule seemed to be perfect. She doesn't seem like a person who lacks
anything. "When did you get married?" I broke the silent after we got into the
high way, she looked at me smiling with her beautiful teeth. She must be getting
them washed every month. How else would she get white teeth like that. " I've
been married for six years now. My husband Billy he proposed on my graduation
day in front of my friends my family. It was so beautiful and soon after that we
got married " she said with a glow on her face. She is indeed a happy person.
"Are you living with your in-laws?" I asked. " no. Billy bought me a house just
outside town. I feel lonely sometimes in it. Billy comes some times after a week
or on weekend " she complained. Looks like she is missing her man. "You stay
alone. You don't have kids?" " no i don't have kids. But i would really like to
have them one day " she could have been a good mother . one of those who
spoils their kids . I thought to myself. Why does God give people who don't
deserve the honour of being a mother an opportunity to have kids while those
who are well deserved are struggling to make babies. We got to her beautiful
house. I have never seen such beauty of a house. From outside looks you can
swear it's a designer house. A million dollar house. Beautiful flowers from outside
the yard to inside. The Gardner must be qualified to do gardening he kept his
gardener neat and lovable . he rushed to open and close the gate after us and
rushed back to open the car door for Mapule. " good afternoon ma'am, and miss"
did he just call me Miss. All my life I've never felt so special. I greeted him back
with a glance in my face. Mapule welcomed me to her house she said i must feel
at home. I slept in a nice room in my own bed and used shower to bath for the
first time. Everything felt like a dream. It was like my life took a turn around. I
was very happy and comfortable. Mapule treated me like her little sister. After
few days my leg was healed. I could now walk normally. Mapule took a day off
from her work and took me to shopping. We went to the mall. She got me a lot
branded labels from shoes jeans and t shirts. shoes jeans and t shirts. I got a
whole new wardrobe she must have spent a lot of money. Nobody has ever been
so nice to me like that. We also went to the salon to get hair do. "Wow you look
beautiful Lethabo. This hair really suits you" I never had hair extensions before. I
guess there is a first time for everything. "Thanks Mapule. I don't even recognise
myself" I was so beautiful even got the complexion. I lived like a princess in that
house . i could do anything i wanted. I could get anything i desired . after a
couple of months I've stayed with Mapule she managed to talk to social workers
and people from home affairs to get me a identity documents and so that i could
also go back to school. I last left school at grade one at seven years .its seven
years later now and I'm too big for this grade. I was so stressed . i want to get
education but to get in class with kids was not sitting well with me. My mates are
in secondary level already. Cant they put me with them. Surely if i can plead with
department will understand. Mapule went to plead with school principal about
my age and this grade one class. Luckily I taught myself how to read and write .
they put me in grade fifth . it was not what i hoped for but it was better than
grade one I was an eldest in class but it didn't shift my focus. I studied and
everything was easy. It was like school was made for me. I aced every subject . I
became very popular at school. At the end of the year school holds fair well
functions and they also give awards to students who do very well. I got ten
awards , one for each subject. My marks would be eighty percent or higher even
with mathematics . teachers would not believe i wasted seven years of my life
for nothing. Mapule was so proud of me. She promised to take me to private
school when i finished primary. The next year in January school re opened. The
principal called me in her office . it's always scary when the principal summons
you. You be thinking what have i done I slowly sat down on the chair next to her
desk. Shaking. The suspense was killing me."Lethabo. How was your holiday ?"
She asked with wide smile on her face. Mrs Kgoete was very beautiful and warm
heartily . everyone at school loved and respected her. She runs the school well
and even the district admired her. She has been working at that school ever
since it was developed in 1995. " my holidays were very good. We went to the
beach . it was so nice" i said feeling proud. It's like an achievement not
everybody gets to go to the beach. "While we were about to close last year i
wrote a letter about you to the department of education. Telling them about your
family situation your age and school performance. They were very impressed ." "
thank you ma'am" i said not knowing what to say. " so I've asked them if it's
possible for you to skip grade to grade seven. " "really ma'am . what did they
say? " i was excited . its January and this could be the start of great things. " they
agreed . on one condition. You have to write grade sevens class test and if you
get fifty percent it's a pass." She said knowing those conditions are very easy we
both know i will pass. School was going well. I was now 18 I was still in grade ten.
I was still an A student. My future was very bright . Mapule now had a beautiful
daughter Oratile . she's four years old. She's like a little sister to me. We do
almost everything together.
"How is school. How's grade ten treating you" Asked concerned Mapule .
" I'm doing great. We have a new teacher of mathematics. Mr Kgatla he is so
young and fresh"
" wow young and fresh?"
" no what i mean is he is so smart. It's like he was born to teach maths . there is
nothing he cannot solve. The way he talks so smooth. You can never get tired of
listening to him. He is so natural. I wonder where he was all this time." I went on
and on about Mr. Kgatla. Mapule was just staring at me amused .
" hmmmm sounds like you have a crush on your maths teacher " she said
" me? Crush?" I was so embarrassed it only just hit me now that I was crushing
my teacher.
" yes girl. I can see in your eyes and the way you smile. There is more to this am
i right?"
She asked curiously
" of course not. You are so wrong. I was just admiring his work. He is an excellent
teacher. "
I reassured her i feel nothing for Mr Kgatla . the only relationship i will ever have
with him is teacher leaner relationship
"Ok ok as long as you know that you can come talk to me about anything and
everything that is going on into your life."
I really do like Mr. Kgatla i think he likes me too. We have a chemistry. We just
click. But he never said anything to me other than school work. I just wish he
could ask me out. But then maybe he is afraid its inappropriate. Teachers are not
allowed to date school kids. But I'm not a kid. Timing is so wrong. I can't wait to
finish school so i can be allowed to date him. I am way too far to grade twelve.
Two more years is a long time. He will be married by then. How can i make sure
that he waits for me. Maybe i should write him a letter .telling him how i feel
about him. Oh no what if i made a fool out myself and he ignores me after that.
Oh yah i know i will add him on facebook so we can be friends. What's the better
way to be close to someone if not by being friends?
I was so deep in thoughts . fascinating about Mr. Kgatla.
School was very interesting to me. I enjoyed going to school every day. Maths
lessons were the best. I made sure I was answering his every questions I raised
my hand. I was asking him even the simplest questions so he can talk to me
directly. When he comes close to me to explain some equations and formula on
how to solve x I would just pretend I don't I understand so that he won't stop
focusing on me.
"Lethabo . what is it you don't understand this time? " He asked . uttering with a
strong smooth voice. His eyes looking directly to mine. I could feel the heat. He
was just standing there . tall fit muscles light in complexion . I felt like it was only
me and him in the class.
I just glanced at him . speechless.
"Lethabo? Are you OK? "
"No sir, I don't understand pretty much everything you were saying today"
I slowly and shyly said. Everyone in the class turned to me. They were probably
surprised. Lethabo don't understand? That was the first.
"You seem distracted today. But don't worry . after all school you can remain. I
will give you extra lessons. Anyone who don't understand or have problems
anywhere can stay . we will try to revise after school. But if you know you are
covered you can go home. "
After school Everyone went home . it was only me and Mr Kgatla revising .
" so now you understand Lethabo? Are you sure you will ace these exams " he
asked.
" I want nothing less than ninety percent sir"
 I said with a wide smile.
"That's my girl. You know Lethabo you remind me when I was still in school. I had
the same passion and focus as you. I wish my other students could have the
same drive as you."
"Thank you sir"
"Do you need lift to home"
Oh my word did he just offer me a lift?
" yes please sir "
We went to his car. Drove me home . on the way he was just silent playing his
music. But to me his silence was the best conversation sitting next to him in his
car having me and him moment was a dream come true.

My friendship with Mr Kgatla was growing in such an amazing way. He and I

became so close . there was nothing I could not tell him. He gave me his full
attention and even more. Even students in my class got very jealous about how
Mr Kgatla was treating me. They even complained to the principal that Mr Kgatla
gives me special treatment than them which is why I am always acing my maths
exams'. As for the principal knowing me and my previous academic record he
was shocked to hear that buy he never believed them instead he advised them
to pull up their socks so that they can be like me. The roamer spread around the
school that Mr Kgatla was dating a school kid. Teachers started to give him nasty
looks and the gossip didn't stop. Mr Kgatla was called in to principal's office to
explain his side of the story. He made it clear to him that there is nothing
romantically going on between him and I only students teacher relationship.
Having to know how I grew up he was just being a good friend to me
encouraging me to do even better. He said he saw a lot of potential in me he is
keeping me close so that i at never get discouraged about the fact that I don't
know who I am and about the things that happened to me in my childhood. Fair
enough the principal supported the idea .he saw nothing wrong with Mr Kgatla
being my mentor . the principal also has faith in me that I'm going to be one of
those students who gets distinctions in all their subjects. I got a permission to
hang around with Mr Kgatla. It felt so great . I didn't have to feel guilty what
people will say anymore. I think Mr Kgatla was also happy that everything was in
our favour . he would also find an excuse to be next to me. He really likes me and
I like him a lot. One day we stayed behind at school until everyone has left we
revised and it was time to go home. He again offered me a lift to home. "Lethabo
there is something that i want to talk to you about i don't know how you will take
it though"
Mr Kgatla said in soft low tone voice. His voice changed my mood. Everything got
heat up I quickly open the window for some fresh air.
"You know you can tell me anything" I said.
" you know I have been thinking about this for a while now and I think it's time I
share this with you. I'm sure you have noticed that I'm spending too much time
with you don't you find it strange?"
Strange no way. How can spending time with a hunk like you be a strange thing.
Its dream come true . I thought to myself.
"Uhm no . I mean I thought it was because you like mentoring me."
" it's because I like you. I mean really really like you",
Oh my god . did this guy just confessed that he loves me?
" sir I don't understand "
I said trying to keep it cool. I know that he knows that I like him but I don't want
to make it obvious.
" I know that teachers are not supposed to be in any romantically relationship
with their students. But I love you. And I don't want to lose you "
Loose me hell no you are never ever gonna lose me. Thought to myself.
" Mr Kgatla. I also feel the same way about you. But we cannot have a
relationship. I don't want to put you into trouble with your work. I know you love
teaching'"
Mr Kgatla could not believe I also admitted my feelings to him.
" look I will resign from this school. I will apply somewhere else so that you may
not be my student." " no no no sir you can't do that. Listen I need to focus on my
school. I'm grade ten soon I will be in matrix I think we should just wait until I
finish here. If you really mean that you love me you will wait for me."
"OK done"
Mr Kgatla assured me that he will not date anyone for two years waiting for me.
And I also promised that I will not have any boyfriend until the next two years so
that we will start a relationship.
" to prove my love to you Lethabo I am willing to wait."
Mapule s husband came home with a friend , a Colleague rather. A very dark
skinned giant man with tattoos. He had this terrifying look with him. I have
always wondered what kind of work is Mapule s husband doing. He had lots of
money to flash and the company he keeps is kind of dodgy people. Mapule isn't
really sure of what her husband does whenever I ask her she would tell me that
he is a business man. I'm smart enough to understand that business man it's
either they run a certain company of their own with their products. Or a franchise
but as for Mapule s husband it doesn't seem to be clear what kind of business he
does.
" Mapule. Is that man sitting with papa Oratile at lounge his business partner "

I asked curiously. I wondered what were they talking about. The subject they
were holding must be sensitive and confidential and they seem not to be
agreeing on something.
" I don't know him. But sure he must be one of his business associates. He never
tells me anything about his business "
Some women are too obedient to their Husbands. I don't think I could live with a
man or rather be married to a man and yet don't know what he gets up to
everyday. One minute later that giant man walked out furiously on Mapule s
husband. I wondered what could have gone wrong. Later that evening We were
upstairs at Mapule s bedroom trying to bath Oratile when her dad budge in.

" baby , get your bags pack everything we are leaving" he said to Mapule.
Terrified as if he was being chased by hunt man.

" pack everything babe why. Where are we going" asked concerned Mapule. "
stop asking me questions woman and do as I say"
 "No you can't just say were are leaving I'm going to work tomorrow and the kids
are going to school its Monday" explained Mapule to her husband.
" don't you think I know that. Just pack everything I will explain later"
"What is going on"
"This place is not safe. Just take your important documents let's go hurry there
Is no time."
Before he could finish that sentence we heard a loud bang at the gate . a huge
truck forced its way in the yard.
" oh my Too late. "
"Baby what is going on?"
Cried Mapule.
" I'm sorry baby just stay here I will try talk to them. They won't hurt you guys. "
it was like I was watching a movie. I quickly dressed Oratile her mother picked
her up and hold her close with tears in her eyes. Those man were armed Mapule
s husband tried to reach out to them.
" please I beg you. You can take everything . I no longer want to be part of it.
Here all those drugs are worth ten million and you can have the girls. Please just
leave my family "
Mapule s husband tried to plead with them . only just now we learnt that he is a
pimp and a drug dealer.
" are you ready to meet your maker"
Boom a gun shot on his forehead . one bullet and he died on the scene right in
front of us.
" no no no" cried Mapule . she put Oratile down and kneel down on her
husband's dead body. She cried so hard I felt a huge pain in my heart. Her cry hit
me so hard I couldn't hold myself together.
" let no death make you apart. You can join him sweetheart"
That giant man with a gun never wasted another minute he shot Mapule on her
forehead too. She died immediately. I froze there. Stopped crying . I stood there
eyes went dry I could hear Oratile crying hard holding me on my leg. I thought
this was it for us .they were gonna shoot us too. But they put us in a truck and
drove off

In the truck it was only me and Oratile at the back. She was sleeping , she was
tired of crying. I wondered where they were taking us. They have been driving
since last night now I think its dawn.

Oh my God my life is over. I have lost my pillar of strength. I won't be going to

school anymore. I never had a chance to say goodbye to Mr Kgatla. I wish I had a
phone on me. Just so I could tell him not to worry. I was deep in thought thinking
and wondering what is going to happen next. Just when I thought my life was in
order and that nothing worse could happen now this. I am such a curse
everywhere I go people who care about me die. What kind of genes runs in my
flesh ? If only I knew my father maybe then I would have some kind of a clue of
why I am suffering.

I never slept a wink I just lay awake. Finally we got to our final destination. Such
a beautiful place with tight security. Modern expensive cars parked outside they
were so many this place looked like a casino or something. People are drinking
some are gambling they are just in another world. Some beautiful girls walking
around serving drinks naked. Some are strip dancing. For someone this place
could be heaven. But I think I just landed in hell. Why did they bring us here?
Oratile is only four she shouldn't be seeing all this things. I tried to cover her
eyes with my hand as we go upstairs. In my mind I was thinking these people call
themselves EHM extremely Hyper Mood. They must be abducting young girls
from different countries and cities for sex slavery. They are feeding them drugs
so that they could also crave for more sex. They probably targeting those who
are homeless and they know that no one will look for them back at home. The
thought of seeing myself behaving like them because of drugs makes me wish to
rather die. They took us to their boss s office. The guy who was with papa Oratile
before everything. I wasn't surprised to see him there I already knew that their
conversation was up to no good.
"And we meet again lovely ladies"
Said the big guy with muscles. His smile irritated me actually everything about
him made me sick. If I were to make one wish come true I would burn this whole
place down.
"Come here little angel, what is your name"
" Oratile "
"Oratile oook I heard a lot about you. Come closer baby girl. You are so fresh and
yummy. There are lot of things I could do with this little body of yours."
I couldn't hold it together this ugly pig grasped Oratile right in front of me and
raped her. She cried so loud shouting you are hurting me. The man wouldn't
stop. He kept going and going. My heart bled. How cruel is this world. Oratile
passed out. She was just lying there I couldn't help her. I felt like I am a failure. I
could have done something. One minute later I heard a loud bam . a gun shot on
Oratile s head.
"Noooooo. You evil pig! She was only four you have no shame." I cried so hard
but no one seemed to care . they took me to a one dark room with no bed. I sat
at the corner still in tears. Why don't these people kill me. I'm better off dead.

Few hours later I woke up, I was not afraid anymore. There is nothing these
people can do to me that I cannot take. I have seen the worst. If they want to use
me as a sex slave so be it. If they want to kill me I would be more than happy. I
give up. I am ready to face today s music .what is the point of being stubborn I
am in a middle of nowhere with people I don't know. Nobody cares. As I was
trying to pull myself together that giant man came in the room.
"Get up young lady. Time to freshen up and get in to something more
comfortable"
I went to the bathroom took a shower and I found two piece of leather lingerie. I
already knew they were mine to wear . without being difficult I put them on.
Damn I didn't know I had such a sexy body. The lingerie complement my body. I
stand at the mirror. Could not believe what kind of a turn my life took. As of
today I am no longer Lethabo. Lethabo is dead. She died the day they took
everything that is precious to her. This person standing in this mirror is a nobody.
They can do whatever they want with her it's OK. Her name is fearless . she is a
tool. Boss came into my room. He found me just standing there !
" such beauty I have never seen"
He said looking at my body with lusting eyes.
" come on baby . dance for me"
I began to dance for him. He was impressed. I did the dirty dance it was like I'm
a natural I was born to strip dance.
"Baby girl you are so beautiful. Be my wife"
Did this ugly pig just proposed to me? I stared to think about Mr Kgatla. How I
promise to wait for him but then I remembered I am no longer Lethabo.
" let's get married today, I will give you everything u never thought u needed
and more. You don't have to be a slave anymore." I just stand there stopped
dancing not knowing what to say
" actually that was not a request. It was an order. We are getting married
tonight. "
He exited my presence. I was left alone . so I am now getting married. To an ugly
giant I don't even know his name. As I was still surprised there came group of
woman. One had my wedding gown. They changed me into a bride. I had no say.
"Where does this dress comes from?"
I asked a lady who was dressing me up.
" every year Solly gets married to young lucky lady who fits this dress!" She
said
"Every year? So how many wife's does he have? "
I asked curiously. I wondered what number am I.
" he has no wife. He kills them every time they go against him. He is controlling
and he likes obedient woman."
She said as if killing was a .natural thing to do. So if I don't obey his rules I will
die? I thought to myself as I walked down the aisle. In a wall it was nicely
decorated and it was full of strangers. I wonder where those people come from in
such a short notice. I only found out that I was getting married few hours ago but
this occasion seemed like it was planed years ago. He organized the cake the
rings decor and music the works. It was perfect. Even a pimp pastor was there to
bless the wedding. Bridesmaids were those girls who work for him .
"Do you... What your name?"
Asked pastor to me
"Fearless." I responded
"Oh OK do you fearless take this man Solly to be your lawful wedded husband?
" of course she does. What kind of a question is that? " interrupted Solly.
",just bless the rings damn it get over and done with it. " Solly wanted to see me
wearing his diamond ring. He had no interest in what the pastor must say before
we wear them. We celebrated the day and I was now married.
I had to adjust to the new situation. Being married to Solly was not such a bad
thing . I was being treated like a Queen. I obeyed his every rule and I never
asked him questions. He never let any man touch me except him. My main duty
was to be by his side in his every dodgy meetings he is having. I didn't really like
giving the girls orders and drugging them . in time I got used to it. I became part
of them. It's easy when you let things you cannot change be. Instead of sobbing
and complaining I learnt to be happy regardless. With the woman I am now the
fearless I think I'm attracting Solly my husband. He is falling in love with me
every day. I think he sees me as a woman who he has been waiting for all along.
He kept pampering me with gifts and all. Just few days ago he asked me if he
were to buy me a car and get freedom to go out. Will I not run away? I sat and
thought for a while. Maybe this is my chance to escape. If I can get him to trust
me enough to give me freedom of movement. I assured Solly that there is no
better place I want to see myself than here. He has been good to me and for the
first time I told him that I love him. I couldn't believe those words came out of my
mouth. How can really a sane person tell her own abductor that she loves him. I
must be insane. Having to think as fearless, I was also beginning to feel a soft
spot for Solly. Somehow I began to enjoy his presence . A day without him was
just too much. I became jealous when he gave other girls his attention. I couldn't
keep it to myself anymore and I decided to tell him how I feel one day when we
are alone .
" baby "
I began as I was lying on his chest after a great pleasure of making love.

" yes sweetheart ?"

" thanks for not letting any man touch me for you. "
Strange thing it felt so great and safe just to lay on his chest and having to listen
to his heart beat.
" see fearless my love. no woman has ever given or shown me love and respect
like you do. Everything about you is special and I'm glad you are mine. You see
this place is not where I want you to be. So I want you to tell me where you want
to live , I will get you a house anywhere in this world."
I knew Solly would never joke about something like this. If there was any girl
who was lucky in this world it would be me. Now all I need to do is to check out
the world map and chose where I want to live and it's done.
" babe , all I need right now is to go out and explore the world. But I want my
own house right here in south Africa "
My husband and I decided that we will go to world tour and when we come back
he will buy me a luxury house I have never seen.

One month later we came back from our holidays. We visited the united States
of America. It felt like a dream come true like an achievement we took many
pictures for memories created in all cities we went to. When we landed at O R
Tambo international airport I felt like a new person walking hand in hand with my
husband we were so happy. We stopped at a restaurant before we can head to
our new home. I suddenly started to feel sick . my body temperature was very
high I felt very nauseous and before I knew it I passed out on the floor. Solly was
very scared and not knowing what was wrong with me. He rushed me to the
hospital and when I woke up I didn't know where I was. The first person I called
was my husband Solly who was sitting next to me in frustration and feeling
helpless.
" why am I here?"
I asked him feeling confused . one minute I was landing from a plane feeling
excited that I'm home next thing I'm lying in a hospital bed.
" baby you got me so worried. You collapsed I didn't know what to do I thought I
have lost you. "
He said as he was giving me a great hug . he called a doctor telling her that I
woke up. He was so relieved.
"What is wrong with her doctor?"
He impatiently asked the doctor what was wrong . the suspense was killing us
both.
" it's good news sir. Your wife is three weeks pregnant "
Shocked me, how can this be true though? How can I allow myself to be
pregnant. My life was never a fairy tale now how can I add a baby in to this
mess. I started to think about a lot of things . how my life is going to change and
every responsibility that comes with being a mother. I started to think about my
own mother and the mother I wish I had. Everything was just too soon I was not
ready . I cried shouting no no it can't be right in front of my very own husband.
" baby its OK. You don't have to be afraid. I am here for you both and I promise
to take care of you ." said Solly as he ask the doctor to excuse us for private
time. And then he started to reassure me that everything is going to be fine and
he also wants a chance to be a real father as he never raised any of his children
from previous girlfriends. He was speaking to me but I was not even listening to
him. All I was thinking was how I have broken my promise to Mr Kgatla. And how
disappointed he will be if he ever finds out about this. I started to hate myself
and the blood that runs in my veins and the stupid baby that I'm carrying.

" baby why are you beating up you self. Talk to me what is wrong?"
if I had a gun right now I would shoot this man who is next to me. I never wanted
to have a baby. Everything was such a mess I don't know if I was thinking as
Lethabo or fearless. I thought l buried Lethabo but why am I thinking about
Kgatla? I was so confused. Nobody knows my pain. I do care about Solly and
everything that's happening but a baby was a last thing I ever wanted.
We went to our new home in the northern suburbs . a very beautiful huge home
with open garden.
" baby everything you see here belongs to you. I just want you to enjoy this
home and I know the little one will have a plenty of space to play and he or she
will love the tennis court. "
I just stood there speechless. Amazed. I didn't know what to say . only tears of
spoke for me.
"And the car?
" it's for you!"
"Wow baby it's so huge thank you"
Brand new out of the box latest BMW and sixteen roomed mansion and
unlimited credit card in my wallet all in my name. There is no reason for me to
cry I can always get as many helpers and qualified nannies to look after my baby.
I will give him or her the life I wish I had.
Next day Solly returned to his work and left me in the house . he told me to find
a garden boy and a house helper so that I may not live alone.
The next morning some middle aged man came looking for a job . I offered him
to do my garden. I also asked him if he doesn't know anything woman who can
be a house keeper. He started telling me about a woman who lives next to him
who's struggling she needs a job. I told him to come with her the next day. When
they walked in this woman looked familiar as if I knew her from somewhere. I
tried to remember but I couldn't get exactly where. I showed her around the
house and her duties. She was very grateful couldn't stop thanking me
I asked Aunty Betty to move in with me and she was more than happy to. She
didn`t have a place of her own, she was squatting with a friend. She started
telling me how she has suffered most of her life and she is now grateful having to
meet me in her life. We got along very well as if we knew each other from way
back. She cleaned the house did the washing and the ironing the works
perfectly , when she finished to do her work we would sit down to a cup of coffee
and talk share jokes all day long. We became good friends. One day I went to
mall of Africa, I saw someone who looked like Kgatla. His bone structure his
complexion the way he dresses. I was so sure it was him. I greeted him but when
he talked he was not sounding like him. I asked if he knew someone named
kgatla who is or was a school teacher, he had no knowledge of him. On my way
back home my spirit was so down. I was missing Kgatla and that guy at the mall
made it worse. I then took my phone and logged to my old facebook account its
been years since I logged in. first thing I discovered was so many notifications of
Kgatla `s status post tagges of me. He was worried sick about my disappearance.
It looked like he was going crazy not knowing my whereabouts. He was asking
everyone on my friends list if they knew what could have happened to me. He
heard about the shooting that happened where I used to live. And that two kids
went missing. I started crying feeling guilty that the man was going through hell
and while on the other hand I was having a good time. I took his contact details
on his profile and dialled his number I changed my number to private it rang
twice then I hanged up, I was so scared. I was actually testing the number I was
not sure it was still working. I then dialled again. It rang three times then he
picked up.
Hello?
having to hear his voice after so long my heat start beating fast. I was quite on
the phone. Could not talk. I did not know what to say to him. He kept saying hello
hello who is this but I just remained silent. Until I hung up. I was using a private
number mode he could not call me back. On Monday I drove my car to my old
school just to check if he was still working there. I parked just outside the school
yard. I covered my face with sunglasses and scarf so that no one may recognize
me. after school I saw my Kgatla getting in his car and driving I followed him as if
I was a stalker .he drove straight to his house , funny I was feeling happy to see
him, I wish it was that easy to talk to him. I loved him so much but we cant be
together. Its better to play as far as possible to him because if we meet again
this time his life will be in danger. I have a crazy husband and if he ever finds
about him he will kill him and I dont want that to happen. my spirit was so down.
my mind was so confused.
" can I make you something to eat. you have been out all day. you must be
hungry"
said concerned aunt Betty, she was worried about me. i just came back in and
layed o the couch said no word to anyone.
"no I am fine, I just need to be alone"
 she immediately exited and i was left alone, i took my phone out and logged
into facebook, to my surprise i found a new massage from Mr. Kgatla. telling me
that he can see that i have been online and he is worried about me i should call
him. with all my heart all that i want to do is to call him but i wish it was that
easy. i just replied with a text that says i can't. i then logged out. i cried so hard
sitting on the couch aunt Betty came rushing to me she gave a warm hug , i
cried on her chest nonstop,
" madam, what is wrong? you are going to upset the baby now . why are you
crying?'
i continued to cry this time i cried even more harder as if I'm crazy, i felt like a
small baby who is crying for her lollipop.
aunt Betty was so confused she just gave me tissues and stared at me. waiting
for me to finish crying so that i can tell her what was wrong. as i was crying my
phone rang it was my husband calling. i pick it up and looked at it but never
answered .
'madam is it your husband who is making you sad, is that why you don't want to
talk to him on the phone? "
asked Aunt Betty, still trying to figure out what could have happened.
"no its not him. you won't understand'
my phone rang again this time i answered
"Baby I have been trying to call you, are you ok"
"yes i am fine"
" you sound so down, is the baby ok"
" nothing is wrong, the baby and i we are just fine."
i said as I'm wiping the tears on my cheek.
"ok good. I'm calling to tell you that I'm coming home tonight! I can't wait to see
you baby and i miss you."
" I can't wait either my love you have been gone for too long."
I do not know, i was not really happy that my husband is coming back. I was not
ready. i feel like i should be left alone for a little bit. i told aunt betty to prepare
supper for three people because my husband is finally coming home and they
will meet for the first time.
Solly came very late we were all already asleep when he arrived.
"how is you new house, i am sorry i could not be with you for the past weeks,
business was hectic i couldn't stay away?"
" i understand my love there is no need to apologize and besides i was not
alone. aunt Betty is really help full. she is always here for me, i could say she is
God sent."
" I am glad you are fine."
my husband tried to kiss and touch me but i pushed him away. he was confused
he thought I missed him like he did but then again he thought maybe it's the
pregnancy that made me reject him. the next morning we were about to have
breakfast when aunt Betty broke the cups on the floor.
" Aunty are you ok, why are you shaking. calm down i want you to come meet
my husband, he came very late last night you were already asleep."
aunt Betty just stood there without saying a word to me , Solly came in the
kitchen.
 "Betty, is that you? what are you doing here?
"wait, you guys know each other?
Betty stormed out with tears and ran to her room and locked the door. i followed
her and knocked but she didn't open, i came back to Solly i found him in the
dining reading a newspaper as if nothing happened,
" why is that woman crying and how do you know her?
" arg don't worry about her, she is just my ex girlfriend , we used to date way
back before i became a business man."
"Aunt Betty was your woman?"
i was shocked even though everything happened when they were still young i
could not believe my eyes. how can this world be so small. this should explain
why she stormed out. i went back to her room and knock.
"Aunt Betty, it's ok. you can come out so we can talk about this. Solly told me
everything about your past. it is all in the past and I wont hate you for that, come
out please Betty. "
she still won't answers, i was now more worried what if she killed herself in
there.
" baby she won't talk to me."
" listen, i don't care whether we share a past or not, she came here to work and
if she is going to lock herself in her room then it's better for her to leave, we will
find another helper "
"no no no , i want her"
I can forget how cruel my husband is sometimes.
"so who is going to make us breakfast if she won't come out of her room?
i totally understand her behaviour she was not expecting to see old ghost in this
present day. i would also be shocked if something like this happens to me.
" let's go eat breakfast at town, maybe we will find her calm when we get back.''
An hour later we came back home from lunch, on the way all i could think about
was aunt Betty, the state she was in when we left. i went to her room again and
knocked there was still no answer . i got even more worried, i force pushed the
door to my surprise it was not locked . Aunt Betty was not there, she packed
everything that belonged to her and she left. she left a note saying ' i am sorry, i
love you too much but as for your husband i cannot work for him.'
the letter broke my heart . how can Aunt Betty feel that he cannot work for me
because of something that happened in the past?
i called the garden man and asked him if he can direct us where we can find
Betty. My husband said it is a bad idea we should just let things be. it will be
awkward anyway if she is still around. but because of this pregnancy he did not
want to upset me even more so he drove us to the location where Betty lives. we
found her still unpacking her stuff in her little shack .
" you should have not followed me "
she said looking much better than in the morning , she was a little bit stronger
to face Solly again after so many years .
"why did you run away, we could sort this whole thing out. i have no problem
that my husband is your ex lover. come on aunt Betty."
 i soft with soft little begging voice.
" NO i cant"
"why not?"
"this man bring out the worse pain in my life. his presence disgust me"
said Betty, looking straight in Solly `s eyes. i was scared she could say
something off and piss Solly off.
"Oh please woman. i hardly remember your name. why would you still think
about things that happened two decades ago, for my wife `s sake just pretend
you don't know me because for as far as i know i don't know you ,in my world
you never existed . get you acts together and get in the car . i came home to
spend quality time with my wife not for this trash."
"baby not so harsh you are upsetting her."
"fearless lets go home. i don't have time for this. crocodile tears, she is just
jealous i mean look at her , look at what kind of a trash she comes from. she
probably feels jealous for the fact that you own everything she could have had.
don't you see what she is trying to do."
" you are the reason why i am suffering, i wish i could have never met you , you
pig. now i have lost everything and everyone i am just a nobody because of you.
as they were exchanging words and insults i stared to feel stomach cramps. i
stared screaming and everybody stopped to give me attention. they all got in to
the car and rushed me to hospital. on the way they were all silent as if they don't
know each other. as if they never spoke to each other . i was worried what is
going on with me . why am i in pain, is my baby alright. i kept asking myself
these question i can't lose my baby over this. i have to be strong so that my
baby can also be strong.

Doctor said there was no need for me to sleep at hospital, my baby and i were
fine. Solly went out to get us something to drink i was left alone with aunt Betty
it gave us a chance to talk.

"Solly is the father of my daughter that is why i hate him so much. every time i
see him i think of my daughter and it drives me crazy"
"what, then where is your daughter?"
shocked me
" i don't know." crying.
"what do you mean you don't know?"
" I wish I could turn back the clock, so that everything that i did wrong i could
undo it. my teenage years i was wild that is why i attracted scum's like Solly, i
was very bad. i did drugs i partied from one place to the other i did not care
about life. when i met Solly i was still very young. he got me pregnant and when i
told him about it he dumped me and moved on with the next hot thing. i did not
have money to do abortion , all i wanted was to get rid of it. i tried to drink
dangerous chemicals and even drank paraffin one day. but it didn't work. i hated
every minute of pregnancy and the child that was in me. so since i failed to abort
the child, i gave birth to a baby girl in a public hospital. after giving birth i tried
to leave on hospital bed and come back home with no baby but the nurses
noticed and stopped me. i had no choice but to come home with the child . i had
no love for the child. just because i hated her father. when she was days old o
would leave her on my bed while she asleep and go play cards with my friends.
she would wake up and cry alone i would hear sometimes my friends would force
me leave to go attend her but i would still refuse. i wanted her to die in hunger
so that i could have my freedom back. one day an old lady from front opposite
came to rescue her from me. she looked after her and i was glad that finally i
have enjoy my life but few years later she passed and my daughter was still back
into my life. my boyfriend of that time came with a plan of how to get rid of her
and we went to town and left her there. from that day i never saw her again.
some times I would still go to that ice cream shop and stand there hoping i would
see her coming running to me, but it can never happen. i really hate myself for
everything i have done to my own child. i am suffering now because of her. i
don't even know if she is alive or dead. i know i wanted her dead but now i need
her . i wish i could reverse time. i am sorry madam i did not mean to make you
cry, you must be thinking a lot of things about me right now, its ok you have
every right."
"my name , my name is Lethabo"
Aunt Betty fell on the floor i think she passed out. the nurses put her on the bed
next to mine to monitor her, when Solly came back he was confused,
"Baby what is going on with her, why is she on bed?"
i was just quite looking at Solly as if he is a ghost, i don't know if should call him
my husband or my father. will i ever have a peaceful life . my childhood was bad,
my teenage hood was bad now I'm in my womanhood bad is still following me?

"baby, why are you still crying is the baby ok? can you please talk to me say
something, what did that woman say to you and why is she in bed?"
Solly had no idea what was going on. he hates it when he cannot control things.
few minutes later Aunt Betty woke up and started crying again.
"Betty, can you repeat the story that you told me. stop crying. and you don't
touch me everyone in this room makes me sick. do you guys have any idea how
much i have suffered? what kind of people are you, my life was a living hell
because of you ".
I continued to scream and shout
"baby what are you talking about now?"
"Don't baby me i am not your wife . Everything that I am with everything that I
have been through it is because of you. I am I curse and a pain in people`s lives.
Nobody loves me because my very own mother did not love me!"
"But you are my wife and I love you..."
said Solly still confused, trying to calm his wife down.
shut up you pig! I am not your wife , you know nothing about love.
I yelled at my husband father with my eyes full of anger. I felt like this world
could just swallow me and be over with me right now.
"she is our daughter..." crying Betty
everyone was socked even there nurses could not stop overhearing the
conversation. i felt so embarrassed and i feel so dirty, i married my very own
father i had sex with my own dad and i am even pregnant with his child,
everything is a disaster . how will i call my own child is it going to be my son or
brother or my daughter or a sister , is Solly going to be a father or a grandfather?

" no you are not my daughter you are my wife, you woman speak the truth now,
what kind of a sick game is this,?
"Its the truth Solly. Her name is Lethabo, i did not abort her because you
refused to give me money to do it."

"Shut up, this is bull shit. You are talking nonsense right now. I have no child with
you do you hear me?" Said angry Solly.
Yes we do Solly and she is right here.
If you dont speak the truth right now I will kill you woman. Yes we might have a
kid together but not this one, not her she is my wife and I love her. Tell the truth
right now Betty or else will blow your head off with this gun.
Fuming Solly pulling a gun on Lethabo `s mother.
Why dont you just go ahead and kill her? Its what you do best right? Every
problem to you your solution is killing. Shoot her and shoot me and dont forget
yourself. We are all useless and a waste. There are so many people who
deserved living than us but they are dead.`
But baby this cannot be true . This woman is lying.
said Solly feeling helpless and putting back the gun. Solly drove us back to
home. We were all silent in the car. I guess we were thinking what is next if there
was a way forward.

Betty went to sleep in her room I went to sleep in the main bedroom but solly
fell asleep on couch, this was a bad experience for all of us. Even though I hated
them for everything somewhere somehow I still care about them. I wish this was
a movie but not my life so that I may just switch off or skip chapter that I dont
like. In the morning I woke up I found Solly still sleeping and Betty was preparing
food in the kitchen.What are you doing in there?
I asked Betty just to break this silence.
I am making something for you to eat.
Solly heard the noises and he woke up. And he went straight to the shower,
without saying a word. He was there for about half an hour and then came back
down stairs to us.
We have to talk, all three of us
He began looking sad down and defeated.
This is very hard for me, I will start by saying I am sorry.
This was probably the first time Solly has to apologize and be sincere. He is not
the type of a person who shows his emotions and that easily but this case really
got him. He is a proud arrogant selfish and heartless person. This day was the
first and probably the last day to see him like this.
I would like to apologize to both of you. I have caused a lot of people pain. You
know meeting you Lethabo I always knew there was something special about
you. I could not figure out what that is why I took you out of that place and wifed
you. I truly did love you and I had no intensions of doing anything bad to you. It
is so difficult and embarrassing to call you my daughter. You know last night I
tried to find a way to accept but I cant seem to come to terms with that. Betty I
dont blame you for abandoning our child. I blame myself. If it was possible to
undo things I could do that. What I did to you was pure evil.
Betty gave Solly a warm hug just to comfort him, I sat at the corner quite far
from them but I felt jealous when they touched each other but then I asked
myself why am I feeling jealous Solly needs a hug.
Solly, the only person that we have to apologize to is our daughter, she is the
one who do not deserve everything that happen to her.
They were all looking at me. I was thinking to myself should I forgive or not
forgive them. But if I dont I will never find a peace of mind if they die without my
forgiveness. What happened I cannot change it, but I have the power to change
the future. Maybe finally I will get happiness in my life I mean what could be
worse than this?

I forgive my parents and the worse I over I can now move on with my life. Maybe
I can have a normal life for the first time having both parents and knowing where
I belong, it is a scary and a good feeling and also a confusing one because of the
child that I am carrying. How am I going to explain to my child that your
grandfather is your father but then again I thought that bridge I will cross it when
I get there. For the first time we sat as a complete family holding a conversation
trying to know each other very well. It was fun having to hear Solly opening up
and Betty telling us stories of way back when they were still together .this day
was the most incredible day of my life and I feel blessed . When you are having
fun time flies, it was already in the afternoon. I had the most beautiful day with
my mother and father. It was time to get back to reality I mean we are not
exactly normal. I am still married to my father and we share everything together.
We have to discuss a way forward I mean I cannot continue to be my father `s
wife I have to take my place as a daughter. I wonder how that is going to be like.
Lethabo
for the first time I have to listen to what dad is saying. I paid attention.
I am leaving. I cannot be here. You know what I do for a living. For as much as I
would like to be here I do not belong here. You dont need to worry about the
house it is still yours. I will still continue to take care of you and even the baby
you are carrying you will never lack anything. Even if I die you will never run out
of money I will make sure that I open any legit business that you want in your
names or even buy you shares in any company that you like here in South Africa
or anywhere. I am not trying to buy your love or anything, but I just want to fix
everything and please do not stop me. You can get married to any man of your
dreams you have my blessings. And as for your mother I dont know if you want
her around what but if you feel that you cannot live with her you I can get her a
nice house if her own.
Wow I have heard that there are blessors out there, my dad just confirmed to be
my blesser. I have everything I dont have to work my life is taken care of how
great is that? He even gave me freedom of dating so I am allowed to bring the
man that I love here oh god you answered my prayers. I have agreed to let my
mother stay with me, the house is too big for me to live alone. dad said
whenever i feel like i need him he is just a phone call away, it was hard to see
him going. i wish he could come back so that we can try to be a family for the
first time. watching him going its like he is giving up without trying and it is sad
because i know we could be better. i was left with my mom we hired a new maid
and we were living a dream . all was forgotten. Just when i thought nothing could
ever go wrong now in my life since i met my own biological parents. i was now
six month pregnant but it looked like I was going to pop out soon, i was heavily
pregnant and my mom thinks its because i eat too much. i could barely bend.
one day i was coming out of shower, the bathroom floor was wet, I slipped and
fell so hard on my big belly . i started to feel cramps and pains. i called for my
mom.
" oh my God Lethabo, you are bleeding . oh my daughter what happened"
" I fell mom"
my mother quickly dressed me up and rushed me to hospital. the baby was alive
but i was bleeding
inside doctors had to perform c section because the baby was not safe to
continue to grow in my womb and it was also risky to take the baby out as the
foetus was not fully developed. even thought it was risky they took him out it
was a baby boy he was so tiny . they in put it in incubator but his life was too
short. after two hours the baby died , i never had a chance to hold him . oh dear
Jesus when am i going to get a break , why did you take the most innocent sole
away from me. don't i deserve him? i could have been a better mother. i could
have given him the best. why did he leave so soon. my mother said i should stop
crying, my son is in a better place this world was not good to him

he is better off in heaven. "stop crying and let your son rest in peace, only God
knows why he chose him
One morning I woke up and felt like you know what I am tired of feeling sorry for
myself and sobbing around. I decided that it's high time to go look for my Kgatla.
I got into my car and drove to my old school where Mr. Kgatla used to teach .
Only to find out that he had moved to another school but the principal gave me
his residential address. He now lives in Soweto . I found his house I went in
knocked twice a young lady opened.
Hello , can I help you
I got stucked tongue for a while.
yes please I'm looking for Kgatla and they directed me to this house
I said . still standing at the door.
oh yes you came to the right place . but Kgatla is not here . but he should be
back anytime soon. Who are you?
I asked curiously. She looked nice.
I'm Janet. His girlfriend . and you are?
This one I was not expecting .
In my mind I was thinking maybe it is his sister or something. It broke my heart
but I had to keep it cool.
nice to meet you Janet but I should go now
But you didn't say who your name is
I quickly rushed out and got in to my car and drove off. Just when I was about to
leave his entrance kgatlas car blocked my way. He rushed out of his car to mine.
He could not believe his eyse . He pinched himself to check if he was not
dreaming . He had always prayed for this day to come and finally his prayers
were answered. I was also happy to see him.
Lethabo oh my God . baby girl is that really you
When he called me baby girl I started to feel the heat and the sweat on my
chicks. My heart started to beat fast i was happy and scared at the time. All that I
wanted to do was to jump out of the car and run to his warm arms for a great
hug . I had butterflies in my Tommy I never felt this way about anyone . I wish he
could just give me a kiss but then I remembered , we are in his home and his
girlfriend is here.
Lethabo , I am so happy to see you i have been trying to find you all over where
have you been?
its OK Kgatla I am here now
Kgatla invited me to come in to the house and he asked his girlfriend to give us
privacy. " Lethabo , I looked for you everywhere . I was worried sick about, how
could you disappear on me like that?" Asked Kgatla , I could see worry in his
eyes. He had million question and concerned. I started telling him everything
from the day we departed and everything about the shooting and my
kidnapping. I did not leave any detail . I told him how I got married to my father
and how I met my mother . Having to explain everything it was like I was re
leaving my life and it brought back unpleasant memories all the torture and the
pain rose back. I felt disgusted . i am such a damage good nobody will want me. I
do not expect Kgatla to love me, I saw tears running on his chicks as if he was
feeling the same pain that I was feeling. i came here looking for him hoping I will
have new beginnings with him . now I am not so sure i feel like am a burden .
Kgatla deserves better , i am no good for him. i am nothing but pain. maybe
coming here to see him was a bad idea, i should not be here.

"I am so sorry Lethabo, what you went through is just too much for one person. i
am glad everything is all in the past . you don't have to feel bad it was not your
fault. everything will change i am here now and i won't let anything come
between us again. i will not lose you Lethabo i still love you. "
"what are you saying to me Kgatla, there is a woman in the next room , your
woman, i can't expect you to leave your life for me i am not worth it"
"stop saying that. you are worth it. i am sorry I could not wait for you. i always
knew that what i was doing was wrong, i should have waited for you, deep down
in my heart i always knew you will come back to me. moving on was a mistake.
but don't worry I will fix it"
"how Kgatla?"
A little part of my heart did not like this, I cannot just come here after so long
and expect to be Mrs. Kgatla while the other part of me wants it so bad. what we
are planning to do is so wrong for heaven `s sake his girlfriend is next door but
Kgatla could not care less he pulled me over close to him to give me a warmest
kiss i never had my entire life . i could not stop him i wanted him to kiss me he
was so good . i kissed him back, our lips logged it was the best feeling ever . we
could not let each other go , everything we were doing was wrong yet it felt so
Wright. Kglatla`s girlfriend saw everything she was standing there in tears , how
can her boyfriend betray her like that to bring a girl in his house and then kiss in
front of her. i could also feel betrayed if something like this happened to me, I
wish there was something i could do to help her understand . i really do love
Kgatla . what he and i have is very special and it is from way back so I won't
leave him for her she has to understand . Kgatla hold my hand and we went to
her .
"Janet, this is Lethabo, the woman i told you about when we first met"
Kgatla then started telling Janet how unhappy he has been and he cannot live a
lie anymore . he broke things off with his girlfriend right in front of me. not that i
was impressed but hey it has to be done. Janet was so heartbroken .
"you can't do that do me not now" crying Janet.
"its better if you don't cause a scene "
" i am pregnant Kgatla, I was going to tell you tonight. before she came. you
can't make me pregnant and then dump me just like that" she said in tears ..
is she making this up or telling the truth?
will I ever find happiness in my life?
I cannot believe this, can somebody wake me up! How can another woman carry
the love of my life `s child? I should be the one who is pregnant not her. Part of
me was very jealous. Why is all this happening? What are we going to do? Why
are you only telling me now Janet? Are you trying to pull stunts to keep me?
Confused Kgatla .He cannot tell what is wrong and what is right. I was not
feeling well like I told you yesterday and in the morning after you left I felt worse
and I went to see the doctor, thats when I found out that Im three weeks
pregnant Kgatla I can never lie about something like this. How can you say Im
trying to keep you? I am with you because I love you, I love you from the word go
Kgatla I am so disappointed in you for dropping me like this. I trusted you with all
my heart, I even introduced you to my mother, I thought you loved me , I can
now see that you have been lying to me and to yourself.
I felt like they both had a lot to talk about, I asked Kgatla to leave and he let me.
Part of me was disappointed the fact that he didnt walk me out. I cannot
compete with a woman who is carrying his child, even if they break up they will
be connected for good. I felt like this world has defeated me. As I was driving on
my way to home, I kept asking myself will Kgatla choose me over his little family.
How will this work will he be a part time daddy? Everything is a mess. Maybe I
should just accept defeat and let him go!
You were out all day, where have you been, are you alright?
Asked my concerned mother. She has not seen me all day.
Nothing is alright, nothing is ever going to be alright. And it is all your fault. It is
because of you my life is cursed. I suffered from the day I was conceived even
now Im still suffering, you could have took a knife and slit my throat and dump
my body in a dustbin. I began shouting at my mother she was standing there
confused wondering what could have gone wrong. I never spoke to her with this
tone I guess this whole thing with Kgatla really got me bad.
Are you going to blame me every time something goes wrong in your life? Why
are you talking about things that happened in the past, it is like you are digging
old ghost.
I am not digging they haunt me, everything is wrong. Now the man of life is not
going to be with me because his girlfriend is pregnant.
Is that why you want to end your life? Just because of a man?
 He is not just any man mom, I love him
for the first time I cried to my mother telling her how I met Kgatla and everything
that happened between us. I told her how he made me feel. And how crazy I am
about him . She totally understands and she is surprised why am I only telling
her about him now. She advised me to not worry , just because she is pregnant
does not mean she gets to keep a man, if he really loves me like I claim he does
he will come knocking at my door. Right now I must just give him space so that
he can figure out what he wants without being pressured so that he can take a
good decision. Calling him now will just confuse him.

So I decided to take my mother `s advice and gave Kgatla some space. It was
not an easy thing to do. Having to not know where we stand. It took him a week
to call me and asked me to meet in town. I refused to meet him ion town instead
I invited him to my house . An hour later a knock on my door i knew it was him, i
was in the bedroom so I asked my mother to open the door for him.
" Hello Ma , I am Kgatla and i came here for Lethabo, is she home?"
my mother welcomed him and showed him a seat in dining room. and she came
running in to my bedroom.
"Wow, my girl my girl! is that the man you were telling me about?"
" if it is Kgatla then yes mom its him"
"I know understand your frustrations."
I went to join him in the dining, he was just sitting there wearing a white polo t-
shirt and sky blue jean with casual shoes, his complexion was even lighter than
the last time i saw him. he stood up and stared and glanced at me as I came
towards him, he was ready to hug me but i did not let him touch me. in my mind
i was going through a lot of things asking myself what does his presence here
mean.
" you have a lovely home Lethabo,"
" thanks"
" I could not believe that this is your house i thought maybe you gave me a
wrong address"
"and why would i do that for?"
Kgatla could see that I was not happy, there was this bad vibe between us. I
could not laugh at his silly jokes.
"Why are you here Kgatla"
i could not help it anymore i had to ask him, i hate to waste time .
" I came here to tell you that , it has always been you and it will always be you. I
can't live my life without you in it. i want to be with you"
"but what about your pregnant woman?"
" I am not proud of that , i made a mistake and as for my child i will take of it. "
" i also want you in my life Kgatla and i am happy that you chose me. i promise
you won't lose me again, nothing worse can happen to me after this."
"woman you talk too much"
i was shocked having to hear Kgatla saying I talk to much, but he knelt down on
his knees and took out a diamond ring in his pocket and he proposed .
"Lethabo, when I say I want you in my life i did not mean for you to be my
girlfriend, can you make me the happiest man on this earth and be my wife? will
you marry me? "
oh my God is this for real, somebody wake me up.
"yes yes i will marry you"
this was the most happiest day of my life, i can never ever forget how Kgatla
made me feel. my mother came with champagne and we celebrated . my mom
was so happy for this turn of even . finally i am going to get married to the man
of my dreams and nothing is going to stop us. we stayed up until mid night trying
to catch up , we all had a long day and it was time for kgatla to drive back to his
home but as his fianc I told him it is too risky to drive at night a lot of things
could happen to him so its better to sleep over and he for the first time ever
shared a bed with me and it was amazing. i never knew that sharing a bed with
someone you love is so amazing. A dream came true in one day. It is a beautiful
morning waking up next the love of my life, I have never been this happy in my
life. I could not believe that this is me. After having breakfast with my mother
kgatla wanted to leave right away to drive to Rustenburg. He wanted to tell his
mother about his break up with Janet and our engagement, he wanted to go
alone but I insisted to go with him to meet his mother. Kgatla was raised by a
single parent, he do not have siblings. He is very close to his mother he cannot
take a major decision about his life without telling his mother. I wanted to meet
her, I have always heard about her even back when I was still his student he
would talk a lot more about her which made me be interested in meeting my
mother in law. We drove to Rustenburg and to our surprise we found Janet there
crying to Kgatla s mother telling her how he had betrayed her even during her
pregnancy. Kgatla `s mom was not impressed by this she took Janet s side having
to consider that she is carrying her grandchild. I lost all points to impress her she
hated me the minute I walked in to her yard hand in hand with his son. She knew
I was the reason why his son is abandoning his pregnant girlfriend. Without
saying anything Kgatla and I could see that Janet `s presence there means
trouble for us. We were standing there I could feel that we were not welcome.
Hello ma,
Kgatla `s mom was silent her eyes filled with tears, I could see that she was
disappointed by her son `s behaviours.
Janet, what are you doing here, you are not supposed to be here.
no body answered him, it was this awkward moment I wish I could have stayed
back at home and never insisted to come with him . son, what is this that I hear
you did?
Mom, I am sorry, but Janet was not supposed to be here

oh shut up, Janet has every right to be here, how could you do this to her?
Janet is light in complexion very beautiful and I think she really loves Kgatla
having to see how devastated she is , her chicks turns red her eyes also. She
looked miserable as if she never slept or ate for days since this happened, I felt
guilty for being part of her misery. My mother in law has a right to hate me, what
we did to her is cruel.
mom this is Lethabo , she is the woman for me.
he tried to convince his mother .
you must be mad to think I will allow you to throw away your child for this
chancer .
But mom, Janet and I have talked about it, I will look after my child I will never
abandon them
Kgatla, my son look, you are making a big mistake, trust me I am your mother
and I know best. This is wrong. Look at me for example, look at your life. You
want your child to grow up without his parents, you think it will be easy to raised
or to see your child if you break up with this woman? You want your child to grow
up like you did, you think its fair?
Mom it wont be like that, I will see my child. And if she wont let me see my
baby just because I am not her lover then mom there are laws for cases like that,
I will file for custody and Lethabo and I will raise the baby. Everyone hey listen,
mom I really care about what you think and I respect your opinion but coming to
this matter I came here to tell you that I am leaving Janet and Lethabo and I we
are engaged
what? shocked mother.
Yes you all heard me we are getting married and nothing and when I say
nothing I mean not you mom, not you Janet and not even that baby you say you
are carrying will stop us
everyone was so angry Janet could not stop crying , Kgatla s mother was so
furious all I wanted to go was home.
we were still standing in our feet, Kgatla s mother came to me and looked e in
the eyes and said
I know your kind, this is not my son, you have bewitched him, and if you think I
will let you walk all over him while watching you, think again. You are not going
to get what you want, you think I dont know you are after his monies
ma no you got it all wrong, I love kga
I am not your mother , get out of my face and my yard you little whore, you
are nothing but a witch , you used your mothers muti to make my son to marry
you?
I could not believe this, me a muti.? My mother in law sees me as a witch who
turned his son into a fool. I do not know if we will survive this. How can I make
her see the real me, how do I make her to like me. She got it all wrong I am not a
witch.

Kgatla and i drove back to home. In the car we were silent . everything that
happened was sinking in. I cannot believe that my mother in laws sees me as
nothing but a witch. i have never used a muti on me or on anyone before for
heaven s sake i have never seen muti with my eyes how could this woman think
such of me? Mr. Kgatla was also quite i dont know what he is thinking . He always
listen to his mother . I hate not knowing what is it that is in his mind. I cannot
compete with his mother , what if it gets to that point? i cannot lose kgatla again.
He is my life. Kgatla could see that i was really worried . Having to see me
unsettling and sighing .
look babe. We will get through this. My mother is just angry . We caught her in
her bad space. i will let her cool down, sometime next week i will go back alone
and i know she will listen to me. Do not worry my love we are going to be fine. I
am your man and i am not going anywhere.
I really hope he means every word , i cannot handle another disappointment. I
felt much better
when he assured me that everything will be fine. Kgatla dropped me off to my
place and he went to his place . I think he needed to be alone so i let him. When i
got home i found my mother watching television. you are back already ? that
was quick. I was expecting you later not now. my mother could see right
through my eyes that im in pain. It was like she knows me better . are you my
baby ? you look shattered
she said I'm a witch
I started crying on my mother's shoulders . Telling her what happened in
Rustenburg .
mom she said i gave his son muti so that he can propose me . She hates
mother
My mother was also shocked by this turn of events . It is very hard to make
someone like you if they already made up their mind about you.
look my daughter . You are not a witch. What is important is that Kgatla knows
the real you and he knows you could never use muti on anyone. He loves you
and he will fight for you. Do not let his mother or anyone make you give up on
what you and Kgatla have.
but ma Kgatla always takes advices from his mother . He never do anything
against her.
you know , you can never question love. That was before you and now you are
in his life he is going to have to man up and go against his mom . His mom will
accept even if it is not today she will accept that his son is not so little anymore
and she is not the only woman who takes priority in his life anymore, do not
worry my child it has to get dark before it get light. It shall be well soon. my
mom seen to be calm about this. Maybe she is right. Maybe i should listen to her.
The next day Kgatla took me out on a date . We were using his car to our
surprise after we had dinner his car wheels were punched as if someone had
stapped them with a knife. All four of them . Kgatla and i were shocked . Who
could have done it. We used a meter taxi to home . On our way it started to rain
so hard the driver told us to get off his car . He's not taking us home any more .
We got no choice but to get off. it was raining so hard we ran about 2kilometers
to home . Often hear that walking in a rain with your babe is romantic , there was
nothing like that . We got home feeling cold . I ran a warm bath and at least we
shared a bath and things got warm up In the end.
Kgatla tried to go back to his mother and talk to her. She was still convinced that
I am a witch and she will never ever accept me. She told his son that if he
continues with this nonsense of marrying me she will disown him. It will be better
for her to have no son than to have a foolish son who do not listen to her. This
whole situation stressed Kgatla out. He could not choose between the two of us,
he loved his mother and he loved me too, he wanted to have us both in his life.
His mother was making things difficult for him. He could not handle the stress
and he turned to alcohol. I do not understand why he would do that. He never
drank before his behaviour shocked me. I hate seeing him like that, he stated to
drink alcohol from day one today seven. In the beginning I thought maybe it is a
phase it will pass but no it got worse up to a point where Kgatla doesnt call me
anymore and whenever I try to call I could hear that he is drunk. He started to
live a reckless life and he didnt care about me or his mom anymore. In fact he
did not care about anything. As a result he lost his job as a teacher because he
went to school drunk a several times and he got warnings , sometimes he would
stay away and no one will know where he is, the school was hurt to lose him he
was a great maths teacher and letting him go was not an easy thing to do. They
tried to reach up to him and help him, they failed. It broke my heart to see him
like this. I did not know what to do. I drove to Rustenburg to his mother only to
find that Janet has moved in with my mother in law, I wanted to tell her about
Kgatla s condition, now she is even more convinced that I did all that to her son I
made him lose his job all I received was insults. I do not know why I turned to her
I knew I was not her favourite person
and I knew she will just blame me for everything. I was so confused how could
Kgatla do this to me?
We were supposed to be stronger together know he left me to be strong alone.
My love, why, why alcohol. Look at you, look how miserable you are?
What am I supposed to do, I lost my job, I could lose you I could lose my
mother, why cant I have all of you in to my life
Kgatla started to cry , I wish he could just see the bigger picture, he doesnt need
alcohol to forget his trouble. He admitted that the direction he took was wrong
and he has drinking problem. i manage to get him to rehab, it was not an easy
thing to do. he went away for six month and all this days i could see him, i miss
him too much and i hope when he comes back he will be the Kgatla that i know.
It has only been six month that i haven't seen Kgatla. He finished his
rehabilitation and i went to fetch him . He looked different .All matured and sober
. He looked like a new person who has re formed. He was happy to see me. I
drove him to my house and on the way we talked about all that have happened
during our space. We missed each other . Kgatla had a chance to think things
through . He decided what is important to him and i happen to picture
everywhere. He called his uncles to arrange a meeting with my mother for lobola
negotiations . He is going through with the wedding whether his mother is there
or not. Kgatla s mother was not impressed by this at all. she still thinks i must
have bewitched his son to behave like this. lobola negotiation went through .
Everyone was happy. Wedding date was set. I could not be happier . I phoned my
father to let him know about my big day . He is so happy for me. So is my mother
. I want everything to be perfect my dress to be unique . I had no choice but to
call the great David Tlale to do my tailor made dress specially for me. When he
agrees to meet me i could not believe it. I'm gonna have a designer wedding
dress by David Tlale. I can't organise everything on my own . I don't really know
who is who and great places for wedding . I had to get a wedding planner
.Mosima was well known as a great wedding and event organiser in town . She
helped me with A to Z list of what is needed to make a an epic wedding. on a
Thursday before my wedding day . David came with my dress . I knew he can do
magic with his hands . That's why i chose him. . My father came With his friends .
My house was packed. Friends we were all in a joyous mood. tomorrow is my big
day. I can't wait to say i do to the love of my life.
In the morning of my wedding day . David was helping me dress up in my room.
More guest were coming in. Kgatla s mother also decided to come. She came
with Janet who has about two weeks baby boy. I don't know why she came with
them . Maybe she wants to confuse Kgatla. He hasn't seen the boy since he was
born. We were busy organising a wedding he never had a chance to go to
Rustenburg .
haw Joyce . Welcome. I did not know you relate with Kgatla. How are you doing.
I haven't seen you in ages said Lethabo s mother betty in excitement for seeing
an old friend.
oh my God Betty , is this your house? is my son marrying your daughter?
no wait. Is Kgatla your son? every guest started to pay attention to them.
no this cannot happen . Betty we have to stop the wedding. Kgatla cannot
marry Lethabo
Betty started to cry .
oh my daughter , why is this happening
While she was still crying Solly came in. The moment he saw Joyce he knew it
can only mean trouble.
what is going on here
He asked.
Solly my son cannot marry Lethabo because my son is your son Kgatla s baby
started to cry . Janet tried to calm her but he could not stop crying. Someone
called Kgatla to come to his bride s place immediately . I could feel something
was wrong down there. I went down the stairs slowly in my wedding dress. I saw
my mother in law and my parents no body was talking . They all looked at me
with pity. I could see tears in my mother's eyes.
what is going on here . Mom ? dad ? . Is Kgatla ok ? why are u crying
you have to sit down my baby said my father .
but why time is not on my side . I have to get married at ten . And we are not
ready yet. I don't have time to sit .
we have to cancel the wedding
Said my mother in law in a polite manner.
you came all the way to Rustenburg to tell us that ? Kgatla told you that I'm the
woman he loves. You better learn to accept that and stop hating Woman.
I said in confidence.
he is your brother
She said .
really?
I laughed. This woman must be crazy. To think that i could believe this nonsense .
does she really hate me this much,?
i will not let you come to my place and ruin my day my wedding day with your
sick twist mind games. You have to go. You are not welcome here.,
But then i was surprised. my parents just stood there and said nothing as if they
believe her .
dad? tell this woman to go
This time Janet s baby started to cry again. Kgatla came rushing in
what's going on?
Kgatla asked. He was confused. I ran to his arms for a comfort hug. , wow babe
you are so beautiful. Why are you crying?
 your mom is trying to ruin everything
Kgatla s mom explained everything to him. How she knows my mother and how
is Solly his father. Solly met Kgatla s mother first and they were in a relationship
when she gave birth Solly went away and he came back to dump her for my
mother. Betty and Joyce were friends back then but Solly and betty betrayed her
and two years later i was born. my father confirm that everything they said is
indeed happened . I am Kgatla s half sister.
no no he is not my brother no. He is my husband. i started to cry hard. Kgatla
just stood there he only shed one tear and he wiped it off.
baby , Kgatla baby . We are getting married right. nothing is going to stop
right? Kgatla just kept quite . He looked at his crying baby then he looked at
me. I could feel defeat once again.
no Kgatla noooo . I can't lose you
I'm sorry Lethabo. But we can't get married. This won't work . he cried.
no you can't say that. Just forget what everyone is saying . Think about our
times together . We were meant to be Kgatla. What they are saying is complete
nonsense. You can't give up just like that. Kgatla did not want me to convince
him otherwise. He already held his son. I guess i lost him on our wedding day .
He left with his mother and Janet . The wedding was cancelled. I locked myself in
my room. I could not believe this is me. Why . Why is this happening. I hate my
life. all i wanted was to end my life. i could have done it sooner. I kept hoping life
will get better i guess i was lying to my self. I took every medications i could find
in my cupboard . I drank sleeping tablets' with every pain block with a whole
bottle of whiskey . i got in to a bath still wearing my wedding gown . opened tap
to let water fill up the bath so i can drown . I took a knife and cut my wrist vein . I
started to bleed and that few moments later that was the end of me. My parents
saw bloody water running down the stairs . They came running to my room. My
father broke the door . It was too late to save me. I needed to go.

I am sorry for letting you down.

The end...