`Title : 10 reasons not to die today.

Author: Zahida
Aim of the book: This book is written to help those
who struggles with suicidal thoughts.
The story is about Diana, an agnostic/atheist who
suffered from suicidal thoughts. It's a story about
how she struggles to find her own reasons to live
even when life keep throwing lemons at her.

Chapter 1. The birds are still chirping

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 Mon, 14th Sept 2015
7:00 am
The Library's caf

Life is tough out there. Admittedly, nobody likes the pressure. Especially me.
Society pressure people from the very beginning to function as normal, excel
in school, find a good job so I can be an obedient tax-paying citizen, chain
myself to huge debt to buy a house and get married only to create a child so
he can perpetuate the cycle.
In truth, I never understand this thing that people called life either.
I suffered from a bad anxiety and psychological pain that stems from a
traumatic childhood. And when you're inflicted with such psychological pain
for years, it's suffice to say that suicide seems to be the only viable option to
numb the pain. After all, life is pretty meaningless, and I am convinced there
is nothing left for me in this world now.
Except taxes and debt, of course.
But hey
The birds are still chirping outside.
No matter how viciously this world crushes my spirit, strangely I do find that
listening to the song of birds singing uplifts my weary and tired soul, as if
they possess some kind of magic that can brings back my spirit from death.
Life feels good, at least for this moment.
Those wild birds that sit on the branches of trees are singing me a happy
song, giving me strength to face another tough day at work today. They're
rooting for me - why, thank you darling. The morning sun shines through
maple leaves and the cold breeze of autumn is blowing gently between the
trees, shedding dead leaves to the earth. The sound of dead leaves rustling
under my feet as I walk towards my office. And look at that tiny little squirrel!
he already wakes up to find some food for his rumbling belly. Well, aren't we
all struggling to put some bread on the table?
The heart find great solace from listening to the song of nature.
If I die today, I could never wake up to the sound of little birds singing again.
I could never bask in rays of sunshine or feels the soft breeze of autumn
caressing my face. And what about the naughty squirrel that comes often to
my balcony, sneaking his way in for a little treat? Who's going to replace me
and place some nuts at the balcony for my little friend?

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 You see, I shall not die today. Not yet. Not until the birds stop chirping.

Chapter 2. What if heaven and hell are real?

Fri, 25th September 2015
12 midnight
My apartment rooftop - I couldn't sleep
As someone who contemplated suicide 99% of the time, the question of what comes
after life intrigued me the most. After all, if I am pretty sure to end my life right now,
I need to be sure of what's waiting ahead of me.
Humankind seems to have trouble coming to grips with mortality. We yearn for a life
beyond what is offered on our plane of existence. The concept of immortality
appeals to tired souls who seek greater purpose in life.
I was raised in an atheist household to believe in a godless world. As a little girl, I
remember asking my once-sober father about God in the middle of the night,
following the death of my beloved grandfather. He hugged me and whispered, "If a
good God does exist, He could stop all human suffering. Why wouldn't He create a
perfect universe in the first place? That's because there isn't any God out there.
Now hush, go back to sleep."
From an atheist perspective, there is no scientific evidence to support the existence
of God. Stephen Hawking, the great physicist once said that, "One can't prove that
God doesn't exist, but science makes God unnecessary".
Recently, I read about a scientist who can prove that God doesn't exist. However, I
also read about a neurosurgeon who confirms that the afterlife exist. Overall, my
research finding sends me into a whirl of dazzling confusion.
Is there a purpose to our existence? Did God, with deliberate calculation created
this world or are we some result of random events?
I wish I could ask dead ones about life after death, but they couldn't talk back to
tell us what they see, isn't it true? The dead ones have real answers to my question.
The living ones are debating endlessly about it, proving each other wrong with their
own set of supportive argument.
How can someone be so sure that God does/doesn't exist? I don't. We are literally
living in the midst of a jungle of theories and ideologies. How do you tell right from
wrong?
If God doesnt exist, then there is no afterlife. I could just kill myself and let my body
decomposed in the ground.
But if good God is real, then heaven and hell do exist. That's a whole other story.
There is an awesome future beyond the grave, as told by religious scripture about
heaven, though forever is a long time to be tormented in hellfire.

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 Nope, I couldnt die today. There is a lot work and research need to be done from
my part - not until I'm a bit surer of what's waiting ahead of me.

Chapter 3. That someone

Sat, 10th Oct 2015
8:30 pm
My bedroom

They told me that every person is born gifted. That however is the worst lie to ever
exist.
To be completely honest, I felt empty, worthless and useless to modern society. I do
not have the intelligence and financial means like Mark Zuckerberg to change the
world for the better. Nor do I have the courage as Malala Yousafzai to stand up for
what I believe is right, even if it means risking my life for greater purpose. These are
people that I admired so much from afar, but the truth remains I am nothing like
them.
I've got a job that I never enjoy doing. My alcoholic father is breaking our family
apart with his abusive behaviors. Friends and acquaintances go in and out of my
life, leaving me to wonder if I ever had a true friend at all. Financially I am screwed.
I've got a huge credit card debt like a dark cloud hanging over my head. And
relationships? I couldn't get past this one guy whom I dated a year ago.
The pinnacle of adulthood is when one reaches maturity and contribute back for the
improvement of the society in which we live. Constantly making the world better, is
that not what life is really all about?
I, however, am incapable of participating or contributing to society. I've got no great
gift to share with the world. I'm not really worth anything and I fear that one day I'll
end up becoming a burden to the very society that I seek desperately to help.
Sometimes, life kicks me so much so that at one point, I felt that I should just
commit suicide. The whole world would be better off without me.
Maybe I should just jump off the balcony, really.

But hey -
What about my little brother?
He is battling severe depression. Last year before Christmas he broke down and
hurt himself in a great flame of anger. It was like a scene in horror movie, except it
was happening in real life. There was a sea of blood everywhere and a motionless
body at the corner of his room. We rushed to the hospital, blaming one another for

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 the accident. With the exception of our drunken father, me and mother frantically
waited outside of emergency room, praying for his very life.
Say that I choose to jump off the balcony today. What if one day he chooses to end
his life, just like his older sister?
I feel like I am betraying his trust. He looked up to me so much. How can I?
I was the first in our extended family to study abroad with a fully funded
scholarship. In a way, I did prove that despite our family problems, we all can
succeed, and so can he.
No please, he couldn't die He has so much life to live for
The thought of him committing suicide after me causes a sudden electrical shiver
down my spine. I'd be crying from my grave miserably for all the opportunities and
future life he missed. The whole point of committing suicide was to ease my pain,
but it seems that whatever demon is inside me gains success finding his way to
scare me from the grave.
Maybe the whole point of this is not to end my life, but to battle this fight together.
Nope, I couldn't die yet. At least not today.

Chapter 4. There is meaning behind every suffering

Fri, 23th Oct 2015
7:30 pm
Yu Jin's apartment
Today I went to Yu Jin's place to check her out. Her voice was trembling - she didn't
sounds very well on the telephone. And my god, her place was a big mess when I
first entered. She was always messy but this time, it was messier than ever.
Empty pizza boxes and vodka bottles were everywhere. It was obvious that she
couldnt take her recent breakup with Omar very well.
I always thought that interfaith dating was a foolish idea. After all Omar is a
Pakistani Muslim and she is a Korean girl. Not trying to be racist here but there is a
huge stake for that turns out both of their families didnt approve the relationship.
And now Yu Jin was devastated beyond words. She took emergency leave and
hadn't come out of her place for days, trying to drown her sadness with vodka and
pills. I couldnt blame her totally at 6'1" tall, with an athletic figure and a charming
smile, Omar was impossible to resist.
They'd be perfect couple if not for the case of religion, in my opinion. The very
essence of religion was to unite people, but history proves it to be otherwise. How
much blood sheds and heart breaks because of this thing that we called faith?

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 She was still sleeping soundly at the couch, not even realizing when I entered her
place. I was going to hang up my jacket at the wall mounted coat rack when I
suddenly saw a book beside her - There is Meaning behind All Suffering. It was
evident the break-up was killing her. The Yu Jin that I know isn't the type who reads.
I'm going to help clean her place first before she wake up later. Let's just hope she
moves on pretty soon.

***
" Yu Jin, wake up! It's me you okay?" I tapped gently on her knee.
She opened her eyes slightly, her forehead pinched in a troubled frown as she
looked at me. Gosh, she looked like a drunk middle-aged man who hadn't been
sober since the death of his wife.
"Uhm D, hey - what time did you get here?" She mumbles before letting out a large
yawn. After stretching for a few minutes, she got up and sat properly at the left side
of the couch.
"Around 8. You're okay, honey?" I asked as I sit beside her.
Sighing, Yu Jin turned her face to the empty wall. Tears started forming in her eyes.
She looked back at me in silence for a few seconds before finally letting tears roll
down her cheek.
Oh crap. She really is not okay.
"Oh honey..." I hugged her while letting her sob into my shoulder.
Her voice sounded like a thickening croak as her sobs grew louder. "I don't wanna
live without him."
"Shh.. don't say things like that"
"D, What have I done wrong to deserve this? Why does God makes my life
miserable again, after He gave me reasons to smile?" She continued sobbing,
asking me questions that only a God can answer.
"Shh.. You've done nothing wrong" I murmured, tenderly stroking her hair to calm
her feelings.
"Oh honey..." I said, letting out a heavy sigh.
I wish I knew the answers to her questions.
I do. I really really do.
***
Sat, 24th Oct 2015
12:15 pm

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 Yu Jin's apartment
It's past twelve midnight and Yu Jin is already tucked in her own bed sleeping. I
decided to stay at her place tonight No one should be left alone on rough days like
this.
My back is sore after cleaning nonstop for two hours. I collected all her pictures
with Omar and hid them in a box behind a cupboard. She'll thank me later for
helping her to move on.
I wasnt sleepy yet, so I grab her book and read it. There is Meaning behind All
Suffering.The pain must be indescribable for her to start looking for this book.
The book was written by a theology professor at some well-known university, who
wrote from the perspective of Islam. As a religion that was typically portrayed as
inherently violence and outdated by western media, I was shocked to learn about
Islam and the concept of human freedom.
It makes perfect sense to me that man is granted freedom for the purpose of being
tested in this world. The birthright of a man is to use his free will, even if that means
to disobey God.
I was surprised to learn that individuals of noble characters weren't produced in
times of prosperity. Rather, they are born out of abnormal conditions, into a life
marked with struggles and severe afflictions from the beginning. Ironically because
of this thing that we called free will, utopian society remains a far-fetched dream.
There would always be individuals, corporations or even nations who would create
resistance and chaos, harming others as a part of their own survival strategy.
The unfavorable circumstances that surround our life are in fact acts as a training
ground to produce souls of high moral standards and personal integrity. Those who
are worthy of inhabiting heavens goes through great trial and tribulations, and
endure it with great struggles.
So the utmost importance to God wasnt the creation of ideal society, but of the
maintenance of human freedom. Hmm
It makes sense now that God does exist despite human suffering. The notion of "If
the all powerful and loving God exists, why He allows so much evil and suffering"
seems irrelevant to me now.
God intended us to choose between right and wrong. And so to hold mankind
accountable for their actions, God created heaven and hellfire. Although man
appeared to be free in this world, God has a complete records of each man's action
throughout his life, which will be reopened on the Day of Judgment. There are no
ways in which you can wiped cleaned of all your sins and started with a clean slate
like politicians in this country do - Behave badly and you will be welcomed by
blazing fire into eternal hellfire.
This concept is very beautiful to me, given that the purpose of religion is to formed
and maintain human being of high caliber. However, being an atheist/agnostic, a
small part of me wanted to see heaven for myself in order to believe it's true.

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 Given another thought, surely a supreme God that has created man, moon and the
universe that can be sense through our five senses can also create the undetected
world? For decades, scientists have failed to answer the question that revolves
around God. The science field only covers physical world anything beyond our
senses can hardly be discussed within scientific realm.
What if we cannot see God, heaven and hellfire because of our human limitations?
Was it fair for a blind man to say they aren't any rainbow out there just because he
cannot see them for himself? If a nation of blind men claimed there were none,
would that makes rainbows cease to exist?
Years ago I read about universalism - the concept that everyone will go to heaven. I
rejected the belief a long time ago. If that were true, then why was Hell is created at
the first place? For God's own amusement? Why bother to behave if just anybody is
welcome to heaven? I might as well kill my psychotic boss now and wipe my hands
free of sins. It doesnt make any sense to me, hardly at all.
I have never studied Islam in depth, and to be honest I was never interested in
studying this religion either. Strangely enough I found myself agreeing with what I
read. As clich as this might sounds, there really is meaning behind human
suffering.
No, I shouldn't kill myself yet not until I'm satisfied with answers to questions I
seek.

Chapter 5: We might touch others with our existence

Wed, 25th Nov 2015
8:00 pm
On my way home

Today my job knocked me down again. After two accounting mistakes, finally my
manager told me to hand over my resignation letter in a week.
Man, I'm getting blow after blow in life.
Is this some sort of a hidden blessing or am I just being toyed around by life?
I couldn't blame my boss totally either. Accounting isn't something I'm passionate
about. This routine job has sucked the life out of me, leaving me completely drained
by the end of the day. And when you're demotivated to do the job, it shows up
through the mistake that you've made.
Frankly speaking, I have never felt out of places like this. Lord, whatever had
happened to me?
I was once a bright straight A's student in my high school. I love studying and
would always competing to be on top of my game. Then I went to university with a

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 fully funded scholarship, majoring in Engineering. That's when my life starts to roll
down my passion in learning starts to disappeared, and I couldn't excel in exams
no more.
I was so used of being top 1st class in my high school so it was a major blow to my
self-esteem to be considered as 'below-average' students. To make matter worst, I
couldn't opted out of engineering either The company that funded me gave me
two options: either I finish my degree fully funded by them or quit the course and
repay their funds.
Our family didnt have the money to give away for free. So I strive to finish my
degree anyways and went to work in accounting field afterwards but still it doesnt
felt right to me.
Dear Lord, hear me. It's painful to live without a clear direction.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose in life?
Why do you send me to the world for?
As if that weren't enough problems, life suddenly decided to throw another lemon at
me. Left with no job, now I'm one step closer to being homeless. And perfect
enough, today Peter is coming to crash at my place. How am I supposed to tell him
that his sister can't keep her freaking job?
Where can I find money for his school?
I feel like jumping into the path of an oncoming train now.
***
"So Peter, how's home and everything?" I asked while setting up table for dinner.
"Pretty good so far. Dad beat me half to death yesterday, for one boxer I left at the
corner of my room. Said I'm a piece of shit, shouldn't have been born from the
beginning", He said this nonchalantly as he sat down and put some of spicy aglio
olio spaghetti on his plate.
"He beat you again?" I asked as I drank water, trying to clear the spicy sensation on
my throat.
I wasnt even shocked to hear this. We were being beaten every day for the
slightest mistake I remember how I was getting beaten for making dinner when I
was 17. Apparently the sound of me making soup in kitchen interrupted his sleep,
giving him excuses to kick me in the stomach. He threw all my soup in the drain,
leaving us going to bed with an empty belly that night.
That's the logic when you are being raised by an alcoholic father.
"I'm tired of living with him. And mom ain't gonna do nothing either she just stare
blankly, letting her tears fall watching dad beat the shit out of me - like that's gonna
help. I'm tired of this sickening life. Why can't I stay with you?" He snapped.

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 "It's not that you couldnt stay here, Peter I..."
"Not having enough money to support me, is it?" he looked at me with a stern
expression on his face.
"D, I don't care, I'm used sleeping with rumbling belly at night. I don't ask much
from you I just.."
God. That's it
" I just lost my job today, Peter. And yes you can stay, but know that we are under a
tight budget here. Also, I dont want you to skip classes. If you're going to stay here
then would you be willing to work a part time job for your own pocket money? I
asked him.
He knew how much I hated him to skip classes. Our father may not care about his
education, but I am so going to whoop his ass if he even dares to do it.
"I could do that. Thanks, duckface. I meant it."
"Now finish your meal."
***
It's 1 am in the morning now. I sit in front of a balcony, sitting in dim light as I think
about my life. Peter has gone to sleep by now.
What shall I do with my life?
How am I suppose to put bread on the table?
Are we going to be homeless?
I sip my hot chocolate trying to calm myself down. That thought made me shiver.
I sat my back against the wall, hugging my knees, and gazing silently at the starry
sky.
My heart trembles upon the thought.
God, if you exist out there, hear my prayers. Help.

"You okay, sis? "

I turned around, squinching my eyes to see in the dim light. Peter is coming out of
the bathroom and walking straight to me.
He sits in front of me, holding my knees. "Diana? Hey, what's wrong?" he looked
worried.
"Nothing I'm afraid if I can't find money to put bread on the table and pay the
rents. I'm out of a job now Pete, it's terrifying."
I tried to calm myself down, letting out another breath before trying to speak.

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 "And worst of all, I hated the fact that I'm going through this life without a clear
sense of direction I can't do engineering and while accounting is much easier, it's
not my passion to begin with. What shall I do with my time on earth?"
"You sure look lost now, but I think you should give yourself some time. Finding one
passion isn't an easy task but well, if you would have asked me, I'm sure you'll
manage to pull out of this. I believe in you."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Well, look at you. Even though our family is fucked up, you manage to endure and
earn your degree for free. Life keeps throwing you lemons but you keep bouncing
off. You're fucking amazing, sis. Just give some time and have faith in yourself" He
said.
"Dont worry, we will find a way to finance ourselves. We've been through shits
much scarier than this. The reason why I am here, after all we have gone through is
that I looked up on you all this time. You made me not want to give up. "
The memory of sending Pete to the hospital after his attempt to kill himself sprang
into my mind. I still remember that day vividly it's the first day I was brought to
my knees, praying to God the first time for his very life.
Peter endured it well too, and I am so glad he is alive today.
Now I felt like crying.
"Oh Pete. I hope we'll manage to pull out of this." Tears start to dwell in my eyes.
He kissed my forehead and hugged me. " Don't worry, sis. There's nothing to be
scared of. We've been through pits of hell and crawled out alive. We can do this."

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 Chapter 6. Someone out there who would help.
Fri, 11th Dec 2015
5:00pm
Den's House Caf'
Uncle Ben called me yesterday, asking for a short meet-up to catch up today. I
agreed. Though he didnt mentioned it, I kinda knew anyway - he probably heard
from Mum about Peter running away from home and would likely to probe deeper
about it.
Mum would probably be worried about Peter now. I felt guilty of not telling her that
he is safe with me, but I have a strong reason behind this my alcoholic father
would probably tracked him down had he received the news from my mother. Our
innocent mother didnt know how to lie - and so he would use a lot of tactics, from
guilt-tripping to threatening her, making her terrified enough so she would blurt the
truth out. I felt sad that she is being used and abused by our father, but part of me
felt angry at her too, for handing him the power to abuse her.
If only she was brave enough to stand for herself and us, this wouldnt be
happening. I release a heavy sigh into the wind.
My patient and kind mother. I wondered how is she now?
***
"Diana! My girl, look at you! It's been such a long time. You're a beautiful grown
woman now!" Uncle Ben greeted me with warm hugs in a small caf'.
How time flies - we haven't seen each other for 2 years long. There are more white
hair on his head and beard now. To my surprise, he gained extra weight too.
I replied his hugs and gave a small peck on his cheek. It's nice to see him after all
this years. "How are you?" I asked while releasing him from my hugs.
"Well, pretty much the same - except that my waist size is getting bigger by day.
And you?" He grinned, showing lines of yellow teeth at me.
I chuckled listening to his answer. He was still the same Uncle Ben that I know. The
memories of my childhood with Peter and him playing kites in summer breeze came
flashing in nano-seconds.
"Yeah, me too."
Uncle Ben is my father's half brother they share the same mother, but different
father. Unlike my father, he was hardly a hot tempered person he was much
relaxed and easy going, a fun man to be around with. Sadly, he has never been
remarried after the death of aunt Sara 5 years ago. They do not have any child
together but they were the most romantic and loving couple I've ever seen in life.

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 He took the last bite of chocolate cake and drank all of the orange juice until the
last drop. This is another criteria of Uncle Ben that I like He would never let any
food go to waste.
"So D, I've heard from your mum that Pete runs away from home? Did you know
anything about it?" He asked me casually while trying to wipe his mouth with his
handkerchief.
"Yeah, I sort of heard that too but I won't blame Pete for that. Nobody could stand
the abusive environment in that house." I paused. "Well technically nobody, except
Mum" I retorted back.
He sensed the sarcastic tone in my voice, but did not attempt to fight me back.
"D, I understand that you feel angry now to your parents but your mum is pretty
worried about Peter's safety and whereabouts. She understands that the house is a
hostile environment for Peter too and though she misses him, she does not wish him
to return - all she asked from me was to conformed whether he is safe or not."
"Did by any chances, he came to find you here?" He asked.
"Well, what does our father said about it?" I didnt reply, but instead shoot him with
another question.
He release out a heavy sigh.
"That both of you are ungrateful child who deserves to die, but we both know that's
untrue. Ignore him - Your mother sends her regards and said that she wish you great
success in any field you choose to endeavor in" He replied softly.
"Anne told me how proud she was to have you as her daughter. You possessed the
strength of will to carve your life from scratches even when the situation you're in
are highly unfavorable. She wants you to know that she loves Peter and you dearly
and there is not a day that goes bypass where she did not thinks of both of you"
Sigh. My mother didnt knew that I am battling with suicidal thoughts in this 4 years.
I was once strong, but sadly my strength seems to be dissipated away..
"If only she was brave enough to leave father, the three of us could start and build a
new life together. But she was always too afraid to start anything new. Always too
eager to please him, and for God sake she would asked permission from him in
everything, though she knew he would never say yes to anything we requested. I
couldnt understand her why devoting your life to someone who do not appreciate
you at all?"
"I hated father for everything he did to us, but I resent her more because of her
silence." I took a gulp of water, trying to clear the ache in my chest.
He release a heavy sigh too.
***

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 Peter come to join us shortly and Uncle Ben was shocked yet happy to see him. I
didnt want to mentioned it to him firsthand, and I glad I didnt - the look at his face
tells everything.
Both of them hugged tightly and uncle Ben whispers something to his ear, but still
edible for me to hear.
"Thank goodness you're here."
They both take a seat in front of me. He kept caressing his head as if Pete was a five
year old child.
"Tell Mum not to worry - Pete is very safe in here. Just don't tell her and father that
he is with me - I'm afraid he would find a way to harm Pete and me, just in case" I
told him.
"I supposed so, I could see that Pete is happy here with you. If there is anything you
guys need, come find me. " He replied.
"Speaking of favor, yes I do need a favor from you. Not for me, but for D" Pete said,
looking at me seriously.
I look at him dumbfoundedly. " Huh? What for?"
"D is a bit lost right now. She tried engineering then accounting and neither likes
both. Frankly speaking I hate to see her self-esteem shattered like this. I
remembered when we were young, you quit your job to open your restaurant and
you haven't turned back ever since. Thought maybe you could share with us, ya
know on how'd you discovered your life direction" Pete explained.
Uncle Ben looked back at me and clear his throat before speaking. "uh-uh"
"Well I'm glad you asked. You came to the right person for this question. Before you
were born, I was lost when I was young too for a couple of years. It took me doing
some soul searching before I knew that I really want a restaurant. Rome wasnt built
in a day, child." He gazed at me and smiled.
"You need to imagine your dream life first, if money isn't the problem. Take a pen
and a piece of paper. Write in as details as you could be. Think about where you
would live, with whom, and how you would spend your days. When you are certain
that is how you want to live your life, make some organized plan to make your
dream comes true."
I pulled some paper and a pen out of my handbag and start to scribble some words
on it.
He tapped my hand gently, putting my writing on stop. "Trust your guts and instinct
focus not on what is right but what felt right to you."

My dream life
To write and sell my ideas I want to be a writer.

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 A perfect day would be me in a caf I owned, sipping a coffee while writing my next
book.
I want to have my mum and Pete living with me. (If one day I could convince her to
leave my alcoholic father though)

Done. I showed it to him and Peter.

"Good. See, you do have a rough idea about it. Now it's time for you to develop a
strategic plan. This is the toughest part for most of people. The part where people
fail and never get up again.
"The distinctions between winners and losers is that winners have specific goals to
achieve within a time frame. Their goals are solid. They are willing to take action
and even risk if it seems necessary. Losers are the ones who dream endlessly,
without putting it into action. Dont be that girl." He told me.
"I know that right now you feel terrified, out of place and lost. That is because
you're venturing into something new, something you've never done before. But
trust your instinct, and let go of the fear. Everything will be fine" He smiled.
"And if she fails again?" Peter asked.
"Come find me and we'll find a way to help your sister out. But first she needs to
have a plan Can't do anything without that."
***
As I walked home with Peter, I continue to think of Uncle Ben's words. Rome wasnt
build in a day. I might be lost and wandering without direction now, but it was never
too late to start again. The struggle is real, but with dedication and perseverance
you could always take things to the next level.
Life is indeed scary, but being dead is scary too. Both requires us to venture into the
world of the unknown. I figured that I would try writing first, trust myself this one
time to turn things around.
Nope, I couldn't die yet. Not until at least I had tried.

Chapter 7. Things will get better.

Tue, 15th Dec 2015
4:30 am
The kitchen

Following my previous meeting with Uncle Ben, I decided to take action as advised
by him. I committed myself to write 2 hours everyday. I opened my laptop and
literally started writing every morning like that.

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 For every hour that I dedicated to write, I felt much better about myself. I mean, my
writing isn't that skillful yet, but at least my mind is focused on something better
than suicide. It felt good to be productive. Yu Jin is becoming better too. She started
enrolling in Yoga and uses her free time to engage in volunteering activities. I am so
proud of her for pulling herself through difficult times.
When people are lost and confused, it's easy to get pulled in towards negativity.
Having a clear purpose in life act as a light that would guide a man through it and
serves as a motivation to keep him pushing forward.
And God, by his mercy has descended to mankind a holy book that serves to guide
mankind towards the straight path. I've learned from Quran that the purpose of this
life is to worship God, and be wary of the Day of Judgment, where each mortals shall
receive their book of deeds and their fate is determined; whether to be welcomed at
gates of heaven or be thrown into the hellfire.
Understanding this mere fact gives me strength to continue living. Part of my life's
puzzle was being solved and I couldnt be more contented. I felt like I am being
reborn again, as if I was bring forth from darkness into the light.
The hideous moment that we have gone through does not define who we are. If
ever, they come to teach us lessons in life. The history books are full with people
who fought back with ferocity for their very existence. Life was never meant to be
easy for anybody.
Things will get better. I believe in that. This is as bad as it can get.

Chapter 8: Live long enough to see the fruit of your labor.

25th Jan 2016
11:45 pm
New apartment
It's been two months since I lost my job. I've sent my resume out, went into some
interviews but still havent got any call yet. But thats okay, cause I didnt like the
job position that is being offered to me last time. It's a global company and the
manager wants me to consider joining their Account Payable team (AP) for Latin
America market, even when my application form had state clearly that I want to get
transferred into their smallest market, Singapore, operating simultaneously the full
scope of accounting ranging from Accounts Payables (AP), Accounting to Report
(ATR) and Accounts Receivable (AR). She declined my request, and I in returned
rejected her offer too. There is no way on earth I would do AP alone - Oh well,
perhaps another interview.
In the meantime, I work as a waiter in a cafe. Peter took a part-time job too after
school. He works as a mechanic in a workshop a couples of block from our
apartment. We don't make much income, but we still have roofs on top of our
heads. For that, I am grateful.

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 I normally work until 10pm, then continue to write until 12pm before heading to
bed. Our one- bedroom apartment now is much smaller than before, but we still
have all that we need in one place. There's a washing machine, refrigerator, water
heater and room heater provided by the landlord. We're more than happy to rent
here. Peter sleeps in the living room while I sleep in a bedroom smaller than the
store room in my caf.
I'm glad I made the decision to take Peter to live with me. He looked so bright and
more focus on his study. Perhaps now he understands the value of passion and good
education, seeing me going through difficult phase now. I promise myself to work
harder so Peter can have a brighter future.
As of my writing progress, I'm working on a novel about a war general during the
Roman era and how fate brings him from being a noble into a slave within a
fortnight. The Romans lost the war, and he is left stranded in a foreign land away
from home. To make matters complicated his head is wanted by the Persian army,
but a Nigerian slave boy saves him from death by the command of a mystery man. I
put a lot of research in this book and stayed up late to write - Hopefully one day I
can finish this book and reap the benefits of my hard work.
No, I shall not die yet. I shall live long enough to see the fruits of my labor.

Chapter 9: Chances to meet your love life partner.

14th February 2015.
8:00 am
Little flower's Cafe
It's Sunday morning and the caf that I work at gets busy as people come down for
breakfast. It's not even 9 o'clock yet but the caf is already crowded customers
who enter had no option but to leave as all the seats are taken. Soon the caf
becomes loud with the sounds of people chattering and laughing.
I began delivering all sorts of coffee and tea to customers. Among them, there were
two blonde boys, ages 5 and 7, running around, giggling with joy. They speak in a
foreign language, something that sounds like Swedish to me. The sweet, contagious
sounds of children laughing with chuckle in their voice is like a beautiful melody to
my ears.
The mother of those children shouts something in her native tongue, probably
asking her children to sit down for breakfast. They gave weird faces to their mother
and continued to run around. I chuckled when I saw their faces; it was just too
darned cute.
"Here is your coffee, sir." I passed a hot coffee to a middle-aged man, sitting alone
at the corner beside the glass window.
He nodded in reply, saying thank you then continue back to reading the newspaper.

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 Beside his table, there are two passionate lovers sitting who are rather immersed in
their own world. The guy whispered something to his lover's ear and she blushed.
He smirked, then took up her hand only to kiss at what I reckoned was a beautiful
engagement ring.
She gave a peck on his cheek and smiled.
How lovely is that. The greatest joy in life is to find someone special to share with
you the meaning of life. Love alone is what makes sufferings endurable in this
world.
I hope one day to have found my own version of true love too.

Chapter 10. The power to make the right ending.

8th June 2016
9:30 pm
On the rooftop with Peter
Things are getting a lot better lately. I have entered the workforce again starting
last month. Thankfully the new company that I am in agreed to transferred me into
their Accounting to Report (OTR) team. The wages are much higher than previously
offered and what's more, they are using SAP rather than CODA, the system that I
used in my previous company. SAP really makes my life better. The month-end
closing process are much smoother - It's been a while since I stayed back late night
during month-end closing.
I have enrolled in writing class on weekends, and keep working on my novel. As for
Peter, I was proud that he scores in his last semester exams apparently working
as a part-time mechanic sparks his interest in the automotive field. I'm glad that he
found his passion early in life.
I've heard from Uncle Ben that Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer level 4.
Doctor said that years of heavy smoking combined with his drinking behavior linked
to the aggressive cancer. Me and Peter was shocked to hear that. Nonetheless, none
of us are ready to meet him. There is too much at stake. Our mental health,
emotional state and not to mention the future that we are building can crumbled
within seconds if we aren't careful with his tricks. We aren't ready to forgive him and
put everything in the past. For now, life continues as usual.
Peter was adamant not to meet him. Said that he deserves to rot in hell, for
everything that he did to us. I'm more worried about Mum, a kind woman who
unfortunately married a narcissistic man. She depends too much on dad - her lives
practically revolves around him. If dad dies, I wondered can she start a new life
without him?
Our broken home, though we hate it so much, has brought us into this world. While
we do not understand yet the wisdom behind this, I feel strongly there are certain

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 matters that need to be straightened out between us before our sick father leaves
this world.
May God grant me and Peter the strength to face our father before it's too late.
Amen
I've lived long enough to know that even the darkest moment shall pass. Life is like
a game the rules had been laid out clearly by the game Creator. The movement of
sun, and the changes of seasons await no man - time moves whether we are ready
or not. We are all, willingly or unwillingly, participants in this game of life.
One of the characters of being a believer is that we are grateful for all the kindness
that is bestowed to us, and we bear with patience for any great calamities that
befall on us. Suicide isn't an option to the believers; God hated it so much so that
He forbid paradise for those who choose to kill themselves.
"And do not kill yourselves, surely God is most Merciful to you"
-Surah An Nisa, The Holy Quran (4:29)
Oh Allah,
by the light of your face which has filled the pillar of your throne;
Oh Allah,
The one who responds to the one who needs Him;
Save me from the demon in me.
Oh the ones who saves, save me.

Nope, I shall not die yet. I won't die until the tree beneath God's heavenly throne
has shed a leaf bearing my name. I would continue to fight and live well until the
angel of death himself comes to greet me, for which I would welcomed him with a
smile, knowing that I had lived a long and good life.

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