Sunteți pe pagina 1din 58

STARCHILD

BLOG / ABOUT / CONTACT / PAINTINGS / POEMS / TRAVEL / GAIA

A New Me Is Born Search SEARCH

Chuckleberry
RECENT POSTS
Community
Of Minds and Wings
Summer 2015
Time For Change?

Previous: My Brothers Accident Wake Up Call


Three

Dreams Rise High Its Time


A lifetime put inside five summer months.
08.06.2015 08.10.2015
At Night
Eternally grateful.

RECENT COMMENTS

1. A New Direction ARCHIVES

December 2016
The Road To Chuckleberry
November 2016
On August 8th 2015 I flew back to Vancouver.
After my brothers accident and spending 5 weeks at home October 2016

in Germany life finally wanted me back. I wanted me back. I


September 2016
was ready again.
Ready for the first time ever it felt though. I felt this urge
August 2016
inside to feel.
Page 1 / 58
To feel alive. To live.
July 2016
was ready again.
Ready for the first time ever it felt though. I felt this urge
August 2016
inside to feel.
To feel alive. To live.
July 2016
What else could there be that would shock me? Im not
afraid of hell anymore, I just visited there and here I am. June 2016
Still fine. Still in one piece.

I spent a night in a hostel in Vancouver and found the best CATEGORIES

rideshare ever the next day to Nelson. A big camper van


Blog
driven by a lovely crazy hippie lady with a dog. There were
no seats in the back only a huge bed. And there were 5 of us
Uncategorized
sharing it. We spent the 9h drive lying in a bed. Which was
truly awesome and an experience for itself. We made it a
road trip, stopping for swimming in the river, having lots of META
fun in the meantime sharing stories.
Register

Welcome to Chuckleberry! Log in

A time as life changing for me as no words could Entries RSS

ever describe.
I opened my heart at Chuckleberry. I wanted to feel Comments RSS
it all.
WordPress.com

Learn about Chuckleberry Community in the Kootenays in


British Columbia / Canada.

The Message

On day two at Chuckleberry, my boyfriend Sebastian and I


went to Nelson, the little alternative town close by the
farm. I remember while driving back he wanted to stop at
A&W for a burger and I said You dont need this. Only to
encourage him in a nice way. Cause the both of us wanted Page 2 / 58
encourage him in a nice way. Cause the both of us wanted
to live healthier. One reason to live and work on a farm with
fresh food and self grown vegetables. He was getting very
angry telling me to stop deciding for his life. I was
overwhelmed by his reaction. It became a real fight lasting
the whole evening after we were back at the farm. There
was something not right, I felt it. He was acting weird. Being
angry with me for a stupid sentence for such a long time.
Also was he unusual quiet. He seemed pressured so much.
The tension between us grew.

It was already night time now. I felt angry inside for being
back here with him and fighting right away. I didnt
understand, on Skype before we couldnt wait to be
together again and here we are having senseless anger
spreading.

Suddenly something came to my mind.

I had an insight. I just knew.

So I asked.

Did you sleep with somebody else?

I remember it so well. We sit in this little camper, its


dark outside, I have literally just arrived. Asking the
man I shared my life with for the past 3 years
this question which answer I knew strangled by my
throat.

Yes.

He started crying. I hate myself for it!!! Im sorry I have done


this to you. I love you so much, more than I love myself.

I screamed inside. My worst nightmare becoming


true right here right now. A tidal wave washing over
me, spinning me around, pushing me onto the stone
ground, breaking my neck into pieces, leaving my
lifeless body drowning in the foam.

I felt the heat wave bursting through my body, I thought Im


loosing it. I have to get out of here!!! But then only seconds Page 3 / 58
I felt the heat wave bursting through my body, I thought Im
loosing it. I have to get out of here!!! But then only seconds
later something changed.
I could not see him suffer so badly. I felt compassion for
him. The heat vanished and so did the awful tingling in my
head. I could breathe again.

I dont want you to hate yourself! I forgive you, I still love you
anyway, this wont change a thing, nothing can change it. I
said.

In fact I used to imagine this incident as the worst


that could ever happen to me.
If this would happen I would die! I was certain. But
now here is the moment. And I am alive. I can handle
it. What? How? Its bad, but somehow it doesnt kill
me. Wow.

I still felt a bit numb. But I didnt want to run away. I wanted
the whole story though. I wanted our relationship to be one
of truth and integrity if it should continue to be one. So he
told me. Everything. Even details. THEY hurt! My mind
recreated the whole scene and played it in a loop non stop.
What a mind war.

We said good night in peace and even shared the bed. The
only bed anyway. There were no real options to go to as I
didnt know the place well enough yet. Plus I was
exhausted. I figured what the hell I can sleep here.

The Unexpected Way Of Healing

The next morning I awoke before 6am and went for a run in
the morning sun. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. Running
was easy and joyful, the nature left me stunned. Have I ever
seen anything more beautiful? This forrest. The sun! The
fresh water stream running next to me. Am I breathing
gold? Life just bursted out of me. I was sprinting, laughing
out loud. I couldnt believe it. How can I feel so good? What
is happening? And why do I have so much power I havent
been doing any sports in a long time!

What happened was I felt proud, proud how I handled a


situation like this, proud that I didnt let myself drown in
Page 4 / 58
misery, proud of my own strength and amazed! Purely
What happened was I felt proud, proud how I handled a
situation like this, proud that I didnt let myself drown in
misery, proud of my own strength and amazed! Purely
amazed of what I am able to do. I never knew. That I could
be strong.

Before breakfast I met HER. I met Gillia. She stood all alone
in the kitchen starting to prepare her breakfast.

Wow what a moment. I am so scared. And yet I dont


have any bad feeling towards her. Im only scared,
dont know of what exactly though. I dont believe
myself what I am doing next. Here I go over asking if
I can hug her. Yes she says and smiles. We hug. I hug
the woman my boyfriend just slept with. World
upside down?
It feels good, it feels right. I start to cry and tell her I
am not mad with her at all. But the situation is
intense for me. She says she understands.
This moment is in my heart forever!

A bit later I got knocked down by my mind.


Everyone came in for breakfast. I could not see Sebastian
and Gillia together at the same time. It drove me crazy.
On top I got overwhelmed by so many people being around.
So much pressure building up. The tears are coming. Oh
why cant I hide it?
I believe it was my ego telling me its time to show what
happened to me. My ego wanted me to tell everyone. Lets
blame the bad guys. I am the victim. Welcome to the mind
programming in the western society. If someone doesnt
play by the rules, they are bad and need to be punished so
they never do it again, behave and follow.

I had breakfast alone outside, went deep inside my own


misery. My ego screaming at me, demanding me to break
down.

I dont want anyone to see me cry, or ask questions.


Im not strong enough to hide my emotions and I
just dont want to cry all the time. I dont want
anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to hide.
Thats what Im good at. Dont speak and hide.

When everybody went to work to the Microgreens room I


was not able to join. I was scared that they see my Page 5 / 58
When everybody went to work to the Microgreens room I
was not able to join. I was scared that they see my
weakness. I feared the tears.

John, the owner of Chuckleberry, and by coincidence a


therapist for Emotional Healing thank you Universe!
came to me saying if he could somehow help it would be
his pleasure to do so. I felt a comfortable safety in his
presence. I quickly raced through my mind figuring out the
options deciding it could not hurt talking about it. So I told
him.

While I was away, at home, my boyfriend cheated on me.

Tears streamed over my face. There it was. The reason why


it hurt so much. My unconsciousness spit it out finally. The
sentence that was buried so deep. That I believed to be
true. Unconsciously I felt like the victim. Something
horrible was done to me because of so many reasons. My
mind told me He did it because I am not good enough, I
cant give him what he needs, I fear not to be enough.
Wait a minute. Whats going on here? How come I have
these destructive thoughts about myself?? Stop hurting
yourself Annegret.

It was clear to me. All of my hurt originated from these evil


thoughts about myself. Not the fact that my boyfriend had
somebody else. The hurt came from me.
I decided I wanted to change this! I wanted to change how I
think about myself. I didnt want to be dependent on
whatever happens around me. I wanted to find my center.

John listened to everything I had to say. Talking about it


made it easier to breathe, dried the tears and cleared the
mind. I told him that I knew the pain came from inside of
me, that it is my own feelings of unworthiness. The false
beliefs I developed as a child such a long time ago were still
ruling my life. I just didnt feel lovable and I didnt even
know why. It wasnt about blame or who did what. I didnt
care I said. All I wanted was to feel better. To feel loved. By
myself. I wanted to feel like the one in charge, taking
responsibility for my life and experiences. I knew that we
create experiences for ourselves to grow. I knew that I
created this. That I asked for this experience. And now I
wanted to heal.

He was astonished by my answers. Unusual he said. To go


right to the centre of the pain. We talked a long time and I Page 6 / 58
He was astonished by my answers. Unusual he said. To go
right to the centre of the pain. We talked a long time and I
started to smile again eventually.

I also told him I was best at helping others, I always had


advice for everyone and I could sacrifice myself to help
somebody else. But what I could not do is to help myself! I
never knew how to. I never knew what to do. In certain
situations Id rather asked someone what to do than
actually doing something myself.
John looked at me smiling. Youre doing it right now. You
are helping yourself quite extraordinary.

It left me thinking.

Do you want to join the work now? It will be good doing some
simple tasks allowing the mind to rest.
I dont know. Im scared to cry in front of the others. I said.
Oh just cry then! Dont worry about it. This is the right place
to do this. You can just cry.

Deep breath in and into the lions gate. As we entered I felt


different than I thought I would. I feared looks or even
jokes like Whats going on with you?!
Or immediate questions about what happened, why I am
sad.
I feared to be seen as who I am and how I feel. Cause then
somebody could make fun about me. Never in my life could
I hide my feelings and it was my burden, labeled as a
weakness by others. I learned I would be worth less cause I
am crying and they are strong, they have control over
themselves. They are always happy.

Facing the deep fear here and now opened new doors for
me.
I entered and was welcomed by warm smiles and genuine
heartfelt energy. As if they would understand. Just like that.
Even though they knew nothing. Even though I was late for
work, did less work than they did. Usually someone would
teach me a lesson. You can not do that. Who do you think
you are. You have to do the job well. More discipline please.
This place was different than any other I have ever been
before.

I didnt tell John who it was Sebastian slept with, so being


unaware of it he suggested why not joining Gillia with her
work? I didnt have time to think and went with my feeling.
Yes why not. A bit strange but we could look into each
others eyes and share the work that had to be done. Page 7 / 58
Yes why not. A bit strange but we could look into each
others eyes and share the work that had to be done.

12.06.2015

I want to be strong. I know I am strong. It hurts. Im


feeling pain. I dont know who can help me. I want to
experience it all. I want to feel all that is out there to
feel. Now I have created it. I may feel it now. It is the
darkest hour. But it is about me. I dont want to
intensify, dont want to hide. I am here to feel. I
want it this way. I am creating whats surrounding
me. I am choosing consciously. I am choosing to
live. It has many colors. But it is always about the
feelings. Some you dont understand, some will
make you faint. They are neither good nor bad.
They just are. Love is not a feeling. Love is why we
are here. I love. Thats all I got to do. I am here to
love. I want to love myself as well. To give the
greatest of all gifts to myself. Sebastian is not mine. I
dont decide for him. He is free. And he loves me.
But he doesnt love himself.

Isnt it better to experience as much as possible? To


live life to the fullest? Cant you only feel joy once
you felt grief? Dont you have to fight fear before
you feel love? Would there be love if there wouldnt
be fear? What does it mean to be helpless? Can you
ever be helpless? Cant you always help yourself?

This was the time I started writing. I just had to get it out.
Writing it down calmed the war in my mind. As well as
music did.

Page 8 / 58
Never before have I been as open as I am now.
I am holding my heart fully open and it is treating
me well.
It is also the time of my highest vulnerability.

Never before have I loved so much as in the past


weeks.
Is this the time where I have to feel the greatest
pain?
Why is high and low right next to each other?

Life is strange and wonderful.


Everything is connected.
Everything is being created.
Its crazy.
Things just happen.
You dont have to do anything.
Just trust.
And you will see.
Its never ending.
Joy is involved.
Freedom you will win.
Peace within will guide you.
Show you.
Your eyes turn blind.
And then youll see.
That everything is always here.
That you can choose.
Choose without head and mind.
Choose because you can.
Choose because you feel.
The elixir will be YOU.
The one you always wanted.

We know more than we think we do. I wrote this down at a


time where I HAD NO IDEA what it really meant. It just
came out of me. Now more than a year later I am amazed of
how true these words are. How is it possible that I knew
this? When did I learned this? Truly amazed. By me. By the
magic that lies within each of us.
Page 9 / 58
this? When did I learned this? Truly amazed. By me. By the
magic that lies within each of us.

Emotional Intelligence Meet The


Inner Child

In the evening of that same day we had a session with John


a Couples Emotional Healing session.

Sebastian was first to talk about his feelings and fears. He


explained what happened and that he didnt know why it
happened. He kind of felt forced in his actions. As if he had
no control.

With Johns help he discovered who had control over him


his inner child, the little boy he once was. Sebastian told a
story when he was very young. Four years old wishing to
connect with his mother, to play, to spend time together
but she wouldnt have time because of work. Sebastian
learned as a child that work is more important than he is.
His needs do not matter.

Another story. About a place where he could be himself. His


happy place. As a child there was only one room where it
was possible to truly be himself. The bathroom.
He would spend hours in there alone acting in front of the
mirror, making crazy faces, trying different voices, acting
as unusual characters. Nobody could tell him what to do in
here. It was his special place. His only place. The world
outside forced him to be somebody else. To do what is
required, what is expected. Following the rules. Making
people proud. Gaining acceptance and attention by playing
nice. He never wanted to leave the bathroom, eventually he
had to when his father got real angry. He knew he would be
in trouble, he knew he would get a slap on the face for
taking too long. But he didnt mind. It was worth anything
to be in his holy place. His place of freedom.

This meant that his inner child learned he could only be


free if he hides. Nobody shall know what he is doing. Only
then is he truly free. Also did his freedom come with
punishment right afterwards. Freedom and punishment go
hand in hand. This is what Sebastian learned as a little boy.

Now the grown man still seeking freedom is being


controlled by this child inside that does not know better. Page 10 / 58
Now the grown man still seeking freedom is being
controlled by this child inside that does not know better.
Nobody told him yet. That there would be different ways to
be yourself.

All of us have this little child inside demanding to


fulfill his/her needs. Acting from a place that was
adopted a long time ago. A place of wounds. A place
of hiding. False beliefs. Discovering this we must to
understand the game we are playing from the inside.
Life will mirror ourself in the outside reality to make
us see what we are truly believing often even
without knowing. Giving us the chance to change
core beliefs and heal. Am I free? Or controlled by
myself, my childhood, my beliefs, my worldview?

I grew up believing life is tough. Life is not for fun


only, you gotta work hard. Working hard eventually
will bring you happiness. But not for everyone.
Because there are lucky ones and there are the
others. Of course I was not a lucky one.
Who was I anyway?

I was deeply touched by Sebastians stories and honesty


that I felt more love for him as ever before. Love,
compassion, but also did I feel sorry for what the little boy
had learned growing up. (* note: Now I know its a pre-
chosen path for growing up we choose as a soul. We know
exactly what were gonna get as we are choosing our parents
precisely. There is no need to feel sorry for any experience for
the soul wanted to live it, to learn and grow and overcome
fear and letting go. In this very moment I wasnt aware of it
yet.)

The love made me strong. All sadness inside me faded. I


switched to another mode. I was glowing, feeling myself as
never before. I didnt really talk much, only answered a few
questions by John.

How do you feel? he asked.

I was disconnected from my mind. There were no thoughts.


I felt good. Real good.

I felt happy.

John joked My boyfriend just slept with another Page 11 / 58


John joked My boyfriend just slept with another
woman and I am feeling great.

I laughed out loud and said YES! What a surreal moment. I


was having a huge high, lifted and growing out of myself. I
felt Sebastian looking at me in disbelief. Who is that
woman? Do I know her? He said he felt weak next to me,
like a little boy.
I just felt like the sun itself.

I completely understood that none of Sebastians


behavior had to do with me or his love for me. It was
unconsciously rooted within himself.

For overcoming my own false beliefs about myself


John gave me a magical tool.
To change inside a MAYBE is enough. he said.
I started to believe that maybe Im lovable and
maybe Im worthy. Maybe Im good enough. This was
the start of becoming and transforming into my true
Self.

John continued: And the belief you had that you were not
able to help yourself is from now on invalid. You just proved
how much indeed you are able to help yourself!

Sebastian and I both wanted to make our relationship work,


we knew there was some work to be done, discovering and
healing our inner child for example. We wanted a
relationship that is based on truth and sharing. We wanted
to know who the other really is. The deepest fears and
longings, the strangest things that brought us joy. Every
detail, the true us. We wanted to be free. And grow
together. Coming out of our hiding places. We wanted to
be able to speak about anything. And stop blaming each
other but instead looking inside searching for the true
reason of our unhappiness and boredom. We loved each
other and wanted to be together.

What is my passion?
When I find out, then will I know how to help
myself, then will I know what I need and what I
want.
My passion is the meaning of my life.
Page 12 / 58
She will make me blossom.
want.
My passion is the meaning of my life.
She will make me blossom.
She shall burn.
Never cease.
I want to feel my soul.
Just the way she is.
I know I love her.
She loves me.
We are one.
I want to break her free.
She shall unfold.
With no remains.
For her I want the path of freedom.
I want to remove all obstacles.
She shall remember her full beauty.
Shall fly.
Like dreams.
That I catch to rise.
Flying high until eternity.
They are here.
Can feel them, hear, smell, taste them.
Wish to see.
Whatever happened to the teenage dream?
It may come back now.
Im ready.
Im proud to be who I am.
Im proud of all things Ive done and created in my
life.
My soul starts meeting me regularly.
Moving forward.
Its time to realize.
This Magic Moment.

I can feel all that is.

2. The Devil Shows Itself


Unexpected

New Won Freedom vs. Rollercoaster

For the first time in my life I truly felt a glimpse of what


self-love is. I felt strong and happy in my skin. I had lost so
much pressure of pleasing others, of hiding my emotions,
of creating this world of masks. Now I wasnt afraid of
people and things. I just didnt care. So what if somebody
doesnt like me. It didnt matter anymore. It didnt matter if
I would not have any friends. It was the risk I took to be Page 13 / 58
doesnt like me. It didnt matter anymore. It didnt matter if
I would not have any friends. It was the risk I took to be
myself. It only mattered that I was my own best friend. That
I tried to be true to myself. Giving me what I need. Being
gentle with myself. Allowing myself to be weak, to cry, to
have moments of loosing it all. Allowing myself to feel what
is waiting for me inside this body. Sharing this openly with
others. Talking about it with people I felt save with.

I learned that truly being yourself does not chase people


away but inspires anybody around to do the same. No
matter how deep youre standing in shit, no matter how
miserable youre feeling and how often you freak out and
cry and smash things or whatever it is you need to do to
get it out. Nothing matters what you do as long as it is truly
you doing it. And of course as long youre not driven by ego
aka inner child. But this happens too.

If ego drives you, you probably will hit some end


roads and create drama in your life. More and more
drama. Pain. Only to show you, to make you fully
realize, that youre acting out of fear, attachment or
ego. To give you another chance to change to who
you truly are.

I wanted to be free inside, this I knew, what I didnt know


was what it truly means.

I was quite radical on my mission as I wanted it so much. I


wanted to be in a relationship and love Sebastian no matter
what. I wanted to love the true him. Whatever he needed at
the time I wanted to be cool with. I wanted to understand
where it comes from, I wanted to be on his side while he as
well is healing.
I still feared when Gillia and him spent time together that
something might happen again. But I wanted to feel this
fear. I wanted to get over it. Facing it. I wanted to be cool
even if they would have something going on again. Well at
least my ego wanted this. Not my heart. But I didnt know
better yet.

Some weeks went by and I had moments of most high bliss


but then I fell deep. Dwelling in my darkness. The fear
overcame me quiet often. I imagined them being together
again. My feelings took control, I felt lost and lonely.

As a matter of fact Sebastian and Gillia did spend a lot of


Page 14 / 58
As a matter of fact Sebastian and Gillia did spend a lot of
time together. They had become very good friends. He told
me he needs her as a friend. I understood. Obviously I
didnt want to stand in the way. I trusted him that if
something would come up again he would tell me up front.
And yet did it feel so very often that there would be more
again. But this must be in my head I concluded. This is not
real. I was certain that my fear shows itself, that still deep
inside the open wound was crying. I wasnt aware that I
started evil self talk about myself again. For when I felt weak
and lonely I blamed myself for making things up, for not
being strong enough, going crazy.

I talked to Sebastian about it too. We shared so much now.


There was nothing we didnt talk about. We helped each
other, held each other and listened to another. He was my
needed safety boat. He calmed me, its ok whatever feelings
Id have, I can let it out.

Talk In The Woods

July 10th 2015

One evening I just couldnt handle to be alone. I felt


miiiiserable. Help me. What is this? Why do I feel like shit?
Ok talking truth. I do not like when they spend time
together.
I hate it. It makes me feel unworthy. Not important, second
choice. It makes me feel weak.

So I admitted yes this is who I am now. I feel like shit when


they talk. I thought I could handle it but I can not. Im not a
machine.

I talked to Ghislaine about it and she made clear to me that


I can have boundaries. Or at least tell them how I feel. They
need to know.

I went over to the woods where they sat on a bench. I was


frightened. I walked slowly and asked them if I could sit
down. Of course they said and I took my place on the other
bench facing them.

I just came here to tell you how I feel. Deep breath.

Page 15 / 58
I feel horrible when you spend time together. Im not good at
handling it. I feel alone. And scared. I cant think of anything
else when I know you are alone somewhere. My mind takes
me making me believe that something might happen again.
That you could not just talk. Im sorry. I just wanted to tell
you. How I feel. I feel like an idiot.

No please dont, thank you for telling us. Gillia said.

Then it was quiet. Too quiet. Something was strange. There


it was again. That inner knowing. That hit me hard.

Or did you have sex again? I asked.

Stillness. Nobody moved. We all stared into the darkness. I


prayed they would deny.
I prayed I just would be crazy. Because I knew the answer.
Again.

Yes. He said.

How often?

Two times.

I jumped up. I left. Stumbling through the dark, there was


no moon tonight. I couldnt see my own hands. I walked
fast. I had to get away. Trying to find the path. I think thats
it. Then I realized there are plants next to me. I fell. Down
into a berry bush. Fuck! I quickly stood up and climbed
back up.

I finally made it to the community house. I raged inside and


started screaming and crying. I sat down on the chair.
Ghislaine and Robin stood there.

Oh my goooood!!!!!! I screamed as loud and high as I could.

What is happening? What is this? I yelled in complete


disbelief. I didnt understand. How is this possible? Why is
this happening?

What happened? Ghislaine asked.

They just told me they had sex again! He lied to me. He lied
to my face! All that time. He lied for three weeks!! He made
me believe its all in my head. But I knew. I knew the whole Page 16 / 58
to my face! All that time. He lied for three weeks!! He made
me believe its all in my head. But I knew. I knew the whole
time. I had this feeling. But I thought Im the crazy one.

Whow. Theyre having sex now? Ill go there! R o b i n


misunderstood.

No not right now, they sit there in the woods. I explained

I dont know what to do? What should I do now? I thought


about leaving the community. Just going somewhere else,
this was too much, too much to handle.

Maybe you could talk with John. Ghislaine suggested. He


might be still up.

That was the only thing that made sense now. I needed to
calm down, I wanted help. I needed help. This was
something I can not help myself with. I drank a glass of
water then grabbed my bag and went over to Johns house.
It must have been midnight already. But I needed to speak
to him now. I carefully opened the door and went inside. I
called his name up the stairs as quiet as I could. He
answered with a tired and calm voice.

Yes?

I started crying again. Im sorry but I really need to speak to


you. Something has happened. I just found out Sebastian and
Gillia continued having sex. Im completely lost, I dont know
what to do.

We talked for a couple of minutes. He could calm me down


and told me I could sleep on the sofa in the community
house tonight. And I should go get some rest. Wed talk
tomorrow about all of it. Together with Sebastian if he
agrees.

Ok. This was good enough for now, the only option anyway.
I went back up to go to sleep. At the gate I heard someone
coming down the hill. Last second I saw its Gillia. We didnt
look at each other and passed in silence. I walked up.

Then Sebastian came towards me. I was looking for you.


How are you? he asked.

Can we talk? I said.


Page 17 / 58
Can we talk? I said.

We sat down in the garden and started a long long talk.

Why did you lie to me? I asked.

I couldnt tell you, I was scared of loosing you.

You lied to my face. I asked you the other night, you wouldnt
do something that you wouldnt tell me and you said no.

He was broken and sorry and didnt know what to do. And
suddenly I had a nudge again.

So you slept with her two times?

He couldnt speak. I told him we are talking truth now. We


say the whole truth now or never again. I changed to the
mode of just wanting to understand. I didnt want to blame I
wanted to know. Why? Why did he need it?

He started to talk and told me everything. He told me when


and where. It had happened several times. I connected the
times to when I had felt miserable. It overlapped 100%. I did
not believe it. I knew it. I felt it. It was not me being not
over it it was my intuition knowing whats going on. I was
shocked and amazed at the same time.

He told me it just happened and he couldnt stop. He


couldnt choose. It happened to him. He couldnt control
himself.

I knew Gillia had fallen in love with him. I knew it from the
beginning. I did see it in her eyes. I felt compassion for her.
Because I know how it feels when you crave someones
closeness.

It might seem crazy but we still wanted to make it


work. I forgave him. We tried saving our
relationship. But we didnt know yet that we both
just clung onto our self-build castle in the air. We
didnt see how fear was binding us. Fear of being
alone. Attached we were onto each other,
unprotected, not able to survive without the other.
The love we felt but the fear we swallowed, burying
it.
We had both not learned yet how to love ourselves.
Page 18 / 58
it.
We had both not learned yet how to love ourselves.

He had created a special world with Gillia. A world only


they knew about. A world of secrets. I told him if he wishes
to stay with me, he must stop having this. I had two
reasons: I wanted to help him heal but more than that I was
attached to him with glue that would never let go.

I was afraid of loosing him more than I was hurt. But here I
faced my next false core belief I dont exist, Im not
important. I f e l t f o r g o t t e n , d i s r e s p e c t e d a n d m o s t l y
completely unable to understand. This was the time of
healing, of facing ourselves, of digging deep. At
Chuckleberry we had sharing circles, breath work, sound
healing circles, yoga, deep emotional conversations. The
perfect place to find out who you are and who you want to
be. To make changes. Sebastian and I wanted to do this. We
wanted to become better versions of ourselves. Pure. The
real us.

What I did was blaming his devotion for healing. Why


wouldnt he try harder, do anything? Why does he let
control himself? Why does he not attend every single
opportunity to help himself? All these questions, all this
blame.
I was too ignorant to see that I was busy pointing the finger
than actually focusing on myself. I was too attached to him
which was the reason I wanted him to become better, so
our relationship wouldnt be in danger. I was controlling it. I
couldnt let go. I feared to let go. I feared to be on my own.

I knew my mission was to let go, to set boundaries for


myself to show respect for who I am and what I deserve
even if this would mean to let him go.

John taught us, for a relationship of true love you


first have to be able to completely let go of the
other. You need to loose the other first in order to
be together.
Just like free birds flying next to each other, sharing
the path but flying alone, the path can lead them
apart but they will always find back to each other
they are one for eternity.

Page 19 / 58
A Moment of Letting Go Heavenly
Miracles

July 13th 2015

On a usual day like any other at Chuckleberry hahah ha


we drove back from Nelson. While traveling during the
past year I used to hold onto the cars door, just to feel
more comfortable, to hold onto something, to have a better
balance, it felt good. Today it was different. Sebastian
noticed as I sat in the passenger seat, hands on my lap
bouncing loosely to the movement of the car.

Youre not holding tight. he said.

I looked down on myself noticing my hands position. A


huge smile came across my face. This is amazing! Im doing
it, Im finally doing it! Im letting go! Overwhelmed by this
little act meaning so very much to me. Proving to myself
that I can do it. That I can do what I want to do.

Tears of joy came straight after the smile. Turned into loud
laughter and into tears again. I was completely letting go
now! What a moment of feeling myself, feeling alive, just
being! I dont remember if I ever was any more happy in my
life as in this moment.

I laughed the entire ride back home and couldnt stop


freaking out once we had arrived. I just felt totally happy.
Looking at the sky. Walking up the hill, being fascinated by
my hands and feet. As if they were new. I never saw them
before. Did I have hands before? Its so funny to walk. Who
gave me feet? I was certain that they were watching me
from above. I looked up the sky and felt them, the
connection, they were talking about me.
My gaze fell upon the tree trunk that I usually used to sit in
peace and overlook the mountains. I jumped up and down
on it, then remained standing on top playing with gravity
and balance. Laughing and singing melodies. These legs can
shake, it feels so good. I was fascinated being in that body,
it seemed much older than I am. Im only 7. Right?

I went inside to get water. I felt completely high. I turned


on the tap and bursted out in laughter. That is hilarious. Page 20 / 58
I went inside to get water. I felt completely high. I turned
on the tap and bursted out in laughter. That is hilarious.
The stream feels so great! I left the water running, playing
with my hands, feeling the softness of the liquid heaven. I
filled my glass and drank. Wow. Really? That good? Is here
anything that doesnt feel amazing? I drank another glass.
And another. I was so thirsty. I watched the others in the
room through the bottom of my glass and danced a
comedy show. I just landed. I told them and shrug my
shoulders smiling hugely. I had no clue why I said that but it
needed to be said.

I cant tell. I just know. And feel and I know.


It does sound crazy. But its not. Its real.
We are sent. And dropped. Here.
With a body. And feet and hands.
And we eat. And sleep. And talk.
We never talk. We dont share.
We share here.
We feel. LOVE. We give LOVE. And thats all.
And we see. Maybe. If we want.

Now they are scared. And I feel alone.


I cant tell them. They dont believe.
We are sent here with no belief.

How they looked at me. Weird.


What do I do now. Im here.
I cant go back. Not now. When its time.
When Ive done my job.
Im not here to tell. Im here to show. How to love.
To give love. To be love. To feel love.
To show them all. Somehow.
I dont know how. But I will. Soon.
When I start.
Waking up is so funny. So much fun.
They never told me.

There is no broken heart.


But there is pain. Thats what we have to learn.
To come back. We love. With pain.
But we heal. And then love. And give.
And thats beautiful.
Everyone wants to go.We are getting old here.

The body dies. We fly. Far away.


To the middle.
And once we did we never come back.

Im confused now. And scared.


I dont know what to do.
Page 21 / 58
But I feel the inside. The power. The connection.
Im confused now. And scared.
I dont know what to do.
But I feel the inside. The power. The connection.
I didnt just land. But I found out.
Its not very easy here.
Big project. Crazy.

The next morning out of the blue John told me that his
friend just called and said there was an UFO seen hovering
over a hotel in Nelson for some hours last night. I broke
down in tears as I realized it was real. What happened
yesterday was real. I wasnt on drugs. Im not crazy. What I
felt was real. IT is real.

Cutting more Strings

I felt like I needed my own space to be. So I decided to


move out of the trailer Sebastian and I had shared. It felt
great! I moved into a tiny wooden hut, that had literally
nothing inside but a mattress and a cut in window. I
celebrated my new won freedom. Also did I enjoy to sleep
outside under the stars.

I agreed with Sebastian that we both were free to do


whatever we wish to do. I was tired of control. Ready to risk
it all. I decided for myself that I want to love him. No matter
what he does. I wanted to become free of outside
circumstances. I didnt want to loose my center by what
happened around me. I wanted to be true to myself. I
sought my freedom. I began to let him go. Because I wanted
my Self.

This feeling is so very different. In the middle of my


chest I feel some power trying to expand more and
more. It tries to explode, to come alive, to be
unleashed it hurts. It wants to expand so badly. It
wants to show there is more to see, more to
discover. There is truth inside and light. A guiding
light. A path to endless love.
When I follow this feeling of the heart it shows me
there is nothing to fear. Nothing to hide. There is
only me. There will be no more questions like Who
am I or Where do I have to go. Only the knowing
and the trust is waiting inside. Knowing that no one
else is needed, no support that I can stand on my
own. Smiling and shining like the sun itself. Page 22 / 58
else is needed, no support that I can stand on my
own. Smiling and shining like the sun itself.

I was riding waves up and down, every day. I grew inside,


this I felt. The next moment I felt as lonely as never before.
When Sebastian was somewhere else all I could think of was
him, what he would be doing, who he would be with. I knew
we were free. I also knew he was drawn to Gillia again, he
had told me. I found it easier when I knew he is not with
her. I needed him. But I knew it was healthy for me to be on
my own to face what I really feel inside. I was still having
evil thoughts and questions about myself but I was
becoming aware of them. I disconnected from them
somehow, they werent me anymore, they were there but it
wasnt me.

Its Time

We wanted to try to spend as much time as possible on our


own for 7 days the experiment.
We kind of wanted to avoid each other for a week trying
out how tight the strings really are. That meant no talking
to another, no matter how bad the other was feeling, no
helping. It was weird at the beginning cause we shared so
much in the past weeks. Everyday we talked about our
feelings and thoughts. About whats going on inside.

Now we wanted to practice to help ourselves. It didnt


include not being around other people though.

It was the end of this week, July 25th, when Sebastian


planned on spending the day alone in Nelson, it was his day
off. I was happy for him. But then just before leaving he
asked Gillia to join him.
I knew it was none of my business and I shouldnt judge. But
I could not. I was freaking out. Again he is not trying hard
enough bla bla bla, blame blame blame.

I couldnt continue like this. It drove me insane. I wished to


be free. I wished to be wiser.

As he came back I had made my decision. I broke up with


him. I didnt want this craziness anymore. I couldnt. It was
too much.

Page 23 / 58
It truly is too much for a soul and not healthy nor
wanted. If something doesnt feel right, its time to
let go. Clinging on it will only make it worse. Until
you face the moment where you must let go. This
was it. Here and now.

July 26th 2015

Yesterday was the day where I broke up with


Sebastian. Its unreal that I did it. I love him. More
than ever. But I want to set me free. I can only love
when Im free.
It hurt so much when he told me that he changed
his Facebook status. I realized how much I still
depend on the opinion of others.
It hurts that he told me a part of him hates me and
never wants to see me again. Im afraid that it could
be true. That we never ever will be together
anymore. I know I really wanted to feel this. He
helped me feeling it.
Im angry and happy at the same time. Angry
because of what I did. My head tells me whats
wrong with you to break up with the man you love
most?
My heart jumps happy cause Im true to myself. I
take all the risks that are needed to become free. Im
risking everything I have. I could loose it all. I could
just end up alone. Something tells me Im gonna be
fine. Im gonna be happy. Right now I want Sebastian
to be happy too. It hurts to see him in pain. Its the
worst feeling.

Page 24 / 58
Freedom? Maybe This Intuition
though

I felt new born. Proud and strong. Most of the time.


Sometimes still distracted, giving in to the mind. I kind of
learned to really differentiate between me and my mind. It
clearly was obvious. Feeling good was me. When the mind
talked to or about me it sent me straight to hell. Dropping
me saying Im save here. Rest now.

I wrote down a conversation with my mind which turned


into a play a month later. In fact Sebastian and I later
developed it together, then played it at one of our monthly
Talent Shows he acting as the mind, me as me. So much
fun. Recorded with our hearts.

Conversation with the Mind


A Play.

Me: What do you want?


Mind: You are in danger!
Mind takes me by the hand, shows me who is in the room
Me: What do you mean?
Mind freaks out
Mind: They are not here. Richard and Sophie are not here.
Me: Oh my god. You are right.
Me tries to calm down with music and reading
Mind: All the time. Every time. Waterfall. Do you know
about the waterfall. NAKED. Bodies. The Waterfall. The
Waterfall.
Me: Shut Up MIND! There is no danger. You create the
danger.
Mind: I am protecting you.
Me: Youre playing the same old record over and over again
every single day.
Mind: Its a cruel world. Do you want to survive?
Me: Dont you get tired of that? Dont you want to rest a Page 25 / 58
every single day.
Mind: Its a cruel world. Do you want to survive?
Me: Dont you get tired of that? Dont you want to rest a
little bit and hand over the scepter?
Mind: This is the way of generations. I wont change it.
Me: We can still be friends, you know. Were gonna make a
great team. Im gonna be your master. Youll like it.
Mind: You dont even trust yourself. I am the only one you
can trust.
Me: I wanna feel free.
Mind: You wanna feel? Feelings are insane! Youre gonna
loose yourself.
Me: All you do is worrying. Youre driving me crazy. You
guess too much and you say things that are not true. You
judge others. You judge me. You make me believe Im weak
and worthless.
Mind: Without me you are weak!
Me: You make me weak! I am going to feel whats inside. You
cant stop me.
Mind: You are going to suffer.
Me: I want to live it all. And I am afraid. But I want to go
through this. With or without you.
Mind: All those fancy dreams. You can not escape reality.
Me: You are no longer in charge here. I am your master. Do
you understand this?
Mind: I understand. Just a little reminder: naked, sweaty,
slapping bodies, moaning, sucking. I can see the fear in
your eyes. The mind always wins.
Me: Im gonna feel it all.

Even though we broke up, I still was attached, can you


believe it? I do have compassion with myself though. It was
not an easy time. And I did well. Even though I drove a
looong way around the shit.
I told him it wouldnt be a finite end. As I couldnt say
anymore how things would turn out. I wanted to learn to
flow, take it as it comes. Maybe we would drive off this farm
together, maybe not, well see.

My intuition was growing as I believed in it more and more.


I learned to trust myself. With the craziest situations. It had
become a triangle Sebastian, Gillia and I. We truly got
along. What an understatement. We loved each other. We
grew together. It never was about good and bad, right or
wrong it was about us, about healing, understanding the
Self. It was about sharing our deepest emotions and fears.
Page 26 / 58
When the mind was involved it was competition. Control,
wrong it was about us, about healing, understanding the
Self. It was about sharing our deepest emotions and fears.
When the mind was involved it was competition. Control,
needing to know the others actions. Wanting to understand
why.
But also for me it was about learning that I knew things.
That I felt that nudge very often. I feel these lessons
were sent to me to simply learn about my intuition. And
because of the drama that we all love so very much.

I tried Magic Mushrooms for the first time a tiny bit, I


actually didnt feel much. Not at all, I didnt take enough. I
went outside listening to music. When this urge hit me to
check the office. I had to look up my horoscope. What?
Why? How do I know? There was something else. I needed
to go and see if they had sex right now. I dont know why
but I did. I couldnt think.
I went straight over to the office. They both sat there
quietly as I entered and asked for my laptop. Hm strange. I
could feel the air exploding and yet nothing that I saw.
Their reactions were weird though as well as how he
handed me my laptop, way too quick.
I started to look up my horoscope but I felt bad. I needed
to speak to them. I went to the other room and explained
how I felt and why I came, what I thought I would find. That
I had this feeling, that same feeling I had when I asked for
the truth in the woods.
I was scared and ashamed for coming over. He told me
everythings ok, nothing happened. Why did I feel that bad
when nothing was going on? What the fuck Annegret?
Gillia left, she wanted to talk some other time as she just
took some Phoenix Tears and was going ultra high.
Then Sebastian told me the truth. Just seconds before I
entered the office they were together.
In the moment he told me I felt the biggest relief possible
cause I wasnt crazy. Knowing I knew made me proud and
overwhelmed by myself that I didnt even care at all. I was
happy I could sense it. I could trust my feelings and
intuition. Its a gift.

Somehow a very close moment arose between Sebastian


and me. I felt very attracted. I wanted to kiss him, to be
close. He asked: Do you want to kiss me? I said no turned
away. But then turning back, holding his face in my hands
and kissing him passionately. He kissed me back. It felt like
weve been apart for such a long time and now seeing each
other for the first time again was heavenly.
I wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do or if I should be
strong and resist. But I decided to let go and fall. It was the
Page 27 / 58
best sex we ever had. Outside under the full moon. Between
I wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do or if I should be
strong and resist. But I decided to let go and fall. It was the
best sex we ever had. Outside under the full moon. Between
the trees where I used to sleep at night these days. We felt
like strangers meeting for the first time during a hippie
festival. Several times I stepped back from my Self
observing. It just happened. I didnt do it. Seeing myself I
felt guilty. I felt used by my own body. It was the weirdest
feeling. I was having the chocolate cake I agreed not to
have. But I had a great time and Im proud I let go.

I was done judging myself. Done to use right or


wrong. Now I was going for it. Whatever it was. And
if the whole world thinks Im crazy. I do not care
anymore.
This is about me. About who I want to be. (THE VOW)

Gillia my Mirror, my Love, my


Mentor, my Sister

It was a constant up and down with us. We loved each


other, then we hated each other again. We shared our
deepest truths, then we couldnt speak to another. We
were the mirror to the other, showing us what we did not
want to see in ourselves.
It meant so much to me to be heard by her. To have this
connection. And yet it was so difficult sometimes. In the
end we had grown so much together, gone through even
more. We felt like sisters. No matter what happens wed
always be there.

She would leave the farm now soon. I didnt want her to
leave. It felt like loosing my own child the day she drove
away. The parents left behind while the child explores the
world.

Page 28 / 58
I hate being ordinary.
I want to be the one. The one and only. I want it all.
I want to shine. I want to leave footprints. I want to
make changes.
I want healing surrounding me.
I want inventions, passion, art, playing, sex, limits,
risks.
Page 29 / 58
I want to create.
I want inventions, passion, art, playing, sex, limits,
risks.
I want to create.
Whatever I feel I want to bring to life. It shall live
forever.
Imagination becomes reality.
I want magic and dreams.
I want flying high and floating in space. I want to
hold hands.
Being part of something bigger than myself.
I want to change something everything.
Bringing back what has been here before. What got
lost.
Loosen and erasing the fear. Fear of ending up alone
in this world.
Of not finding hold, of falling and never landing.
Loneliness.
Frustration, anger, madness, sickness.
I want to play, to feel the lust for life, to dance and
sing, to jump and scream, to let go and fall in love,
to imagine what doesnt exist.
To fall in love with everyone I see.
To help and shake hands, to heal wounds, to cry of
happiness, to dance in the rain, to jump into the
snow.
To count all the stars. To fly to the moon.
To eat out of my hands and drink from the pure
source.
To flow with the waves and to hear the whales
singing.
Surrounded by water, my element of choice that
keeps me alive, that nourishes me, keeps me save
and holds me.
Gives me ability to sink but never drown.
To fly and float with no direction needed.
Always knocking and opening because you trust.
Going into the night. Shining as your own guiding
light.
Sailing the seven seas and giving birth every single
day.
Walking on a rainbow with colors youve never seen
before.
But you know it feels like home. Like the place you
never knew existed.
But you were searching for it every second. Hoping
god creates it for you.
And when you realized you lost all your trust, when
you lost it all.
You suddenly find yourself inside the doorstep. And
now you can choose.
You dont think. You know youre gonna jump. You
want to fall again.
Its what you crave. Its all you know. Its your own
secret.
Page 30 / 58
Your body starts smiling, your blood jumping, your
Its what you crave. Its all you know. Its your own
secret.
Your body starts smiling, your blood jumping, your
skin vibrating, your hair flying. You cant hide
anymore. You know it.
What was always there shows itself to you now.
Your own inner dream world.
Everything you always wanted you find inside now.
You start touching it, smelling it. You cant resist.
You eat it all. Until its gone.
And you realize. You are surrounded by yourself.
You feel save and secure.
You feel like the universe. Exploding inside.
Expanding without getting bigger. You breath for
the first time.
You hold your inner mirror. Who is this anyway?

Looking at the world being upside down

3. Send me an Angel

A New Path Page 31 / 58


A New Path

Time is running. Stories are passing. Im freaking out


every single day now. Im tired! I wanna let go. Im
craving compassion. The bucket is full. Starting to
leak. I am exploding soon. Doing harm when I dont
mean it. Because Im afraid of speaking up for
myself. Me against the rest of the world. Is a stupid
plan.
Little squirrel you may come to the ground. I wont
do harm. Go where you have to go onto the next
tree. Im just watching you.

Im confused with another presence Ive never felt


before. He is the new guy but yet I know him so
well. Our energies match like smooth waves of the
ocean. I dont know what to do. I wanna spend time
with you. But I dont mean to overstep the line.
Where do we know each other from? What have we
shared in past lives? Were we lovers, friends,
siblingsWhy do we meet again now? What can I
learn here? Have you come to teach me? Or will you
just listen? Why do I have the feeling of wanting to
be close to you? Im scared but excited.
Life is unpredictable.
Im stepping onto a new path again. Lord help me.

Nico had come to Chuckleberry. From the very first


moment I felt like I know him forever. And so did he. We
connected instantly and spend a lot of time together. We
would lay on the roof under the stars talking about the
universe.

I craved his company. His energy to have around me. After


only a few days I had completely fallen in love with him. Page 32 / 58
I craved his company. His energy to have around me. After
only a few days I had completely fallen in love with him.
Whenever there was time I wanted to be with him. And
when I wasnt I started to feel jealousy arising inside.
Because I was so used to talk about my feelings now I just
told him. That I had fallen for him. And that I couldnt help
being jealous sometimes even though I didnt want to be. I
knew we both were completely free.
He responded with a question.

Did you have expectations? he asked.

No. Of course not. I said. Feeling maybe I did. (Of course I


did.)

Well this was the start for me learning about expectations.


He taught me so much.
I was fascinated by his way of life and courage and freedom.
On the road he was for the past three years, traveling the
world on the lowest budget possible. He believed in the
universe providing him always with what he needs. He
flowed like the water. Taking what life is giving him. Not
asking much. He felt a steady happiness in his life. No up
and downs like in my drama life. He said if you dont live by
expectations you are always grateful for what you have.
Little did I understand yet of what he meant. But I surly
knew this was what I wanted for my life! I wanted to stop
having expectations for everything. I wanted to flow and
trust. I wanted to be happy.

I remember when he told me how he sees life. You never


know what youre gonna get. There are so many options.
We could kiss and thats it, we could never see each other
again, we could spend the rest of our lives together,
nothing could happen at all, we could have children. Each
Page 33 / 58
was a single option. He said we had to see what we get. Its
again, we could spend the rest of our lives together,
nothing could happen at all, we could have children. Each
was a single option. He said we had to see what we get. Its
not our decision. Life decides. We had to wait for it to
happen or its not meant to be.

Also did he tell me he had a girlfriend in Japan. He loved her


but didnt miss her. He never misses anyone. They soon
would meet in Mexico again though.

I tried to take it easy and started to enjoy the time we


spend together like moments. Trying to have no
attachments at all. Tough lesson!

Aug 31st 2015

So what is this anyway?


Affection is love. And we shall love. But why is it so
complicated?
Why is jealousy part of the game?
Am I choosing the rules? How can I change them?
I want to change them now. Please listen up.
I want love and affection, touching and hugs, kisses
and smiles.
And thats all.
Thats all there is anyway. Why search for more?
What do you want?
And why am I having all these questions in my mind?
Is it me or is it my mind thinking all that?
Can you think without the mind?
Or is everything you think created by the mind?
Do I have a brain? Do I need a brain?
Does anybody have a brain? What do they use it for?
Can you live without?
What is living anyway?
What is ant poop?

Sept. 2nd 2015

What do I want to know about other people? What


makes the difference? The past? Their future plans?
All those great things theyve accomplished. All the
bad stuff they have done. Time to judge. 1 to 10.
Today I think he deserves a 4.
Or.
We just spend moments with each other.
Hello can you hear me? I am here with you. We are
creating time and space together. Moments of joy,
creativity, playing, excitement.
Why talk about things if we could just DO them.
Please take my hand and show me your favorite
Page 34 / 58
place. Take my soul and let her taste your desires.
Why talk about things if we could just DO them.
Please take my hand and show me your favorite
place. Take my soul and let her taste your desires.
Let her drink the water you give to yourself. Cook
her your beloved meal that you have when your
belly needs love.
Then please give me your hand. I will hold it with
care. Touch everything I ever touched. Youll come
and float under water. The sun will dry and kiss you.
Wind whistling your favorite tune. Youll lie down
and smell the soil that has born you. Mother Earth
will warm you. Youll feel the heart taking over.
Slowly youll burn and dance with the fire. Youll
become the ashes you once used to paint your face
with. A face that has changed now. A face with no
eyes.

This love I felt for Nico was different than everything I


knew before. It was so pure. It was like our souls were in
love. It had such a deep meaning.

In the meantime there was also Sebastian whom I loved. I


actually never thought this would be possible, loving two
men at the same time. Where should I sign? I know now its
possible.
We still spend time together talking about feelings mostly,
sharing truth. After Gillia had left the days got quieter with
less drama. We kind of found back to each other. At the
same time being free and able to do whatever we desired.
We actually supported one another to do so. With Nico
being at the community now a time had begun for Sebastian
of feeling his hurt inside. All his pain came up when he
knew and saw me and Nico spending time. Even if it was not
physical at all. It was different. But Sebastian knew that I
deeply loved Nico.

Life gives you what youve asked to


learn

Did I say Gillia had left? I did. And now she was coming
back! Ha. This life. I felt happy and scared at the same time.
Happiness won though. In the end it felt amazing having
her back. One of the first nights she was back we danced on
the roof for hours celebrating life and us and love. I will
never forget this! We truly are sisters. We listened to my
Magic Mushroom playlist created when I was high on Page 35 / 58
never forget this! We truly are sisters. We listened to my
Magic Mushroom playlist created when I was high on
shrooms for the first time really. David Bowie, Simon &
Garfunkel, Beatles, Elton John my favorite playlist ever!!

Especially now a time had begun at Chuckleberry of deep


connections, sharing, spending moments, at any time
something was going on. A time of pure happiness. But a
restless time also, no break, always moving, always playing,
no time for a break. You didnt want to miss something. We
baked, danced, sang, made chocolate, sat at the fire outside
playing guitar and drums, talked, hugged. We had become
huggers. We could hug for 5 minutes still not having
enough, it was a daily ritual and energy sharing connecting
to one another. Beautiful! I love you Chuckleberry and
everyone I met and created magical moments with. John,
Ghislaine, Robin, Scott, Chris, Gabrielle, Jeremiah, Tamara,
Kate, Jacob, Jeanne, Maciej, Freda, Danielle, Flo, Yves, Katja,
Samantha, Gillia, Jahn, Nico and Sebastian.

Nico, Sebastian, Jeremiah, Ghislaine, Gillia, me

Page 36 / 58
Jahn, Jeremiah, Ghislaine

Jahn and Gillia

Me, John, Sebastian and Nico

Sept. 11th 2015

I would like to sleep. I am so tired. My eyes start to


burn. Eyelids are closing.
And yet I cant sleep. I dont allow myself to sleep. I
have to do something.
I have to be present. Be here. I dont want to miss
out. What if they have fun.
Page 37 / 58
What if they get closer. And I am alone.
I have to be present. Be here. I dont want to miss
out. What if they have fun.
What if they get closer. And I am alone.
My body wants to sleep, my soul just craves love.
Touching love.
Like the gentle kiss of the rising morning sun.
A new fire is burning. And butterflies dance with the
wind. They tickle me.
To make me smile. This feeling that may be here
more often is so comfortable and yet still scary.
When you show yourself. How you really feel. When
you wish you could time travel and disappear when
your face turns red.
The little girl that I am takes my hand and says:
Look this is beautiful, you may taste it. Have a
piece. Dont be shy.
She shares with me and brings back memories of
good and bad. She sings and makes my mind go to
sleep. My mind that is not mine.
Who are you and how did we meet? What brings
you here?
Love is confusion too.
Maybe I dont know what love is yet.
Maybe Im just here to learn that.
What if I dont have to do anything else?
What if I could just play and love and smile?
What if I never need to work?
What if I dont need money at all?
What if I am special?
What if I could see upside down?
What if I could hug a fire?
What if I could grow wings and fly?
What if I could jump to space?
What if I could travel through time?
What if I could write without using my mind?
What if I would need no sleep?
What if I could love anybody?
What if every breath would be like butterflies in my
belly?
What if every moment is like a kiss.
What if life is a game and all I gotta do is play?

I learned from Nico and he learned from me. I knew the


expectations were a big lesson for me. It is not to be
understood by the mind. We were in love.
One thing I didnt understand though. I could have spent
every second with him.
For him it seemed he didnt want to decide, when it
happened it happened, if not not.

He tells me I am special. With you its an Page 38 / 58


He tells me I am special. With you its an
exception.
What does it all mean? Please explain.
What does special mean if you dont want to be
close to me? If its not important if you spend time
with me or not. I wish to spend some time with you
all the time.
I wanna be near you. I miss you when youre gone. I
think about you all the time.
I watch you. Happy when our eyes cross paths. If it
happens a flow of energy hits me, pulls through me.
That is what it does to me when I am in love.
I know and am now aware of that I have
expectations. Which just happened to me. And I
know it might be not fair to you cause it puts
silently pressure on you. Its not what I want. But I
want to tell you how I feel. I cant tell you why this
happens to me but thats how it is. And I am thankful
for it. I met you here and now to feel exactly this.
When you look at me I see a beautiful man with eyes
full of love. But also I see fear and sadness. Fear of
never finding hold, maybe. I cant analyze you. I
hope you will soon find what you are looking for, I
really do. You deserve to receive love. All you need
to do is allowing to receive. You dont need to be
alone. Life is showing you different now. Say hello to
it.

You Must be Ready Now

My childhood eczema showed itself again after 25 years not


having it! I showed Ghislaine and she said eczema has to do
with closeness and touch. She asked if I remembered being
very young and how the connection to my parents was?
The moment she said touch I started crying and I knew
she was right. I had hit the wound.
Suddenly I remembered that we never touched when I was
little. I missed cuddling, hugging, being close. We never said
I love you at home. I remembered it all now. It hurt. So
much. I never got the love I desired as a baby. But I know
that my parents did the best they could. They didnt know
better. And I forgive them. I am grateful for what they
taught me. For the wounds I am now about to heal.

Jahn, a man, a fairy, an angel, who arrived around the time


Nico did and who is the most beautiful soul imaginable,
looked at me and said: You must be ready now. Page 39 / 58
Jahn, a man, a fairy, an angel, who arrived around the time
Nico did and who is the most beautiful soul imaginable,
looked at me and said: You must be ready now.

Indeed do we remember when the soul is ready to


heal.
I now remembered that I never knew what love is.

This day was also the day I wanted to try LSD for the first
time as I heard endless beautiful stories about moving
forward on the spiritual path with its support. I asked Nico
to do this together and he was touched that I trusted him
so much to ask something like this.
It was eight of us entering the world of LSD. It was a holy
most spiritual ritual for us. Sacred and honored. We didnt
do it for fun. We did it to enter dimensions.

We were in the practice room where we usually did Yoga


or Breathwork. It has a nice carpet and enough space to
chill. We had music playing. 45min after we took it it
started to kick in. We were lying on the ground creating a
star heads together in the middle.
Ghislaine waved her hand and showed me how we are now
able to see its movement. Wow. Energy was flying through
us. We started having visions. We realized that all our
energies became one single one. There was only one vision
we all saw. There was no separation anymore, there was
only one. We went for the visions. We all saw and felt the
same. And we knew. Somebodys energy would always lead
and be shared with all of us. It just happened, there was no
control, no hiding. Our deepest longings came to the
surface. Of course it got hot. The energy was full of
pleasure, the vision were about sweet baby girl love, we
didnt see it but felt it. We would see the ocean but feeling
Page 40 / 58
the desire to be in love. Or it would be more sexual and
pleasure, the vision were about sweet baby girl love, we
didnt see it but felt it. We would see the ocean but feeling
the desire to be in love. Or it would be more sexual and
actually feel like touching, wanting to make love. You were
just in it. You went for it. And then you realized woaww
what is going on? That is way too much closeness, way to
sexual, oh my god. Haha. It felt so good you couldnt stop.
We wanted to touch and play. Our hands were ours though.
One energy I felt much stronger than all the others. It was
this bright light that touched me. I couldnt let go of it. I just
wanted to be connected to this energy. I felt so secure. So
much love coming from it. I was unsure if it came from the
one I thought it would come from. So I checked lots of
times. It was always the One. It was Nicos energy. We were
deeply connected. It was so beautiful.
Then the movements got stronger, the urge to touch grew,
everybody wanted more. Nothing had happened yet but we
were playing at the edge here. Very much!
Then it got me thinking. If we all felt like it what is holding
us back? If we feel good and we want to do something why
dont we do it? What are we waiting for? Why do we always
stop ourselves?
A magical thing happened as we played at this curvy edge.
Somebody asked a question and I thought, what? I did just
think the same. Then again. How can they say what I am
thinking? Who is this speaking? Me! at least four of us
said. I didnt understand. What is going on? How can this
be? Are we one? Like only really one? How is this possible?
I heard I said that and then thinking No I just said that.
Or did I think it?

Then it hit me. Could it be? Or am I crazy? Can it be


possible? I stood up and left the circle. I wanted to
understand. I had so many questions.
It was meant to be that Jahn would be in the room with us
without taking LSD. He just wanted to be there. He later
told me he felt he was needed. He had a call.
As I had left the circle he got out of it too and turned all his
focus upon me. He strangely knew answers to all the
questions I asked. It felt like him being my guide and
mentor walking me through my current lesson teaching me
the truth.

I wanted to know and understand why why do we never


share? When we are in love, why dont we show it? Share it?
We want to share it.
I was crying. I was thinking about Nico and me. How I was
so deeeeeply in love but always playing careful. For what?
What is there to loose? Page 41 / 58
so deeeeeply in love but always playing careful. For what?
What is there to loose?
Why are we not strong enough to go with our feelings? Why
do we hide?
Jahn was only listening so far because I was onto
something.

I felt or thought that the energy of love in our circle here


came mostly through Nico and me. And after I left the
circle I thought he would feel this and come out to feel the
energy with me. But he was caught in the distraction. And
that made it clear to me.

It was me. This is all about me. There is no one else. Its all
illusion. Everything is me. And me is all. Its all set up just for
me. I felt how Nico is just part of the game, sent to let me
discover real true deep love. I realized what I felt for him is
not love for him but love for myself.
I cried out loud. I cried out of happiness. Could it be? I love
myself so much? That is love! Now I know!

Jahn was very proud.

All whats surrounding me is just ME. Everybody is


only here to show me the way to my Self. I can join
the game of distraction or I can find me.

We hide because we have forgotten its just a game.


We live among the distraction too busy to realize it
could be so simple.

At some point I wanted to sit in meditation, Jahn and Nico


joined me soon. We sat in a triangle holding hands. Truth
after truth was hitting me. But it was too much to
understand it all. I was almost loosing it.
It must have looked as if I am going crazy or having the
worst trip ever but I actually just connected all of what I
knew, all the dots to explore the ultimate truth.
I had this feeling that I was able to go somewhere else but
if I did I wouldnt come back. I would be different. What if
Id go there? Would there still be Earth or would everything be
gone as well? I felt this huge pressure.
Can one single person have so much power? Could I change it
all? Do I have responsibility?
Can I leave to see what if or do I fail then?
Jahn kept on talking about them. I asked who are they? Are
they in control? Do they control you? He didnt answer. Page 42 / 58
Jahn kept on talking about them. I asked who are they? Are
they in control? Do they control you? He didnt answer.
Always hed close his eyes letting go of the last thought as if
it would be too dangerous to go there.
Cant we set us free? I tried to figure it out. To figure
everything out. This was serious, the real thing. This was
about who we are and what we came here to do. I wanted
to know.
I was just about to figure IT out, I knew it would be the
very next thought. I knew that I knew, it was waiting on my
tongue ready to be spoken. But I didnt get there. ALWAYS
when I wanted to say it, I got interrupted. Jahn said
something to bring me back. It felt like a game. All I wanted
was letting my thoughts flow free and then say it. I had the
chance like 7 times but he broke my thought line. And
then it was gone.
I asked how can the three of us know so much? Why us?
We must be special. Jahn made sure I understood we are all
the same. But I didnt understand. But its Jahn, Nicolas and
Annegret sitting here in the circle thinking all this! This cant
be coincidence. There must be more about it.
But we didnt get to figure that out.
At one point I knew I wanted to go there now, I was ready.
Ready to leave everything. To never come back. But I
wanted to say good bye, I knew I couldnt say goodbye to
my family but at least I wanted to say goodbye to Sebastian.
I told the others that I needed to speak with him. They
helped me. All of them. Five people or more were looking
for Sebastian for an hour. But he wasnt to be found. I sat
still in meditation waiting for the whole time. Until I finally
got up and left the room to enter the kitchen/ living room.
It felt like a different world again. I had to sit down. Rest.
They took care of me. Brought me water and made sure Im
ok.
Jahn sat beside me playing the guitar. I tried to get an
overview of whats going on in the room. I talked with Jahn
about what I have found out.
So nobody knows? I asked
I explained that somehow I had to try and tell Sebastian.
Jahn said it wouldnt be the best idea cause he wouldnt
understand. Instead he suggested do we share our wisdom
with art. It reminded my instantly of the Beatles. They must
have known! He started to sing. He sang and again
explained the world to me. I dont remember exactly but he
sang as if this all would be a screenplay predicting the
future.
Its all so stupid. Every song is only for you
In my heart, in my heart this is forever! I love you Jahn.
I got out paper and pen and wrote things down. Trying to Page 43 / 58
In my heart, in my heart this is forever! I love you Jahn.
I got out paper and pen and wrote things down. Trying to
make sense of it all.

Nobody ever wanted to go


No one ever will go
Its all about the distraction
Nothing else matters
They dont know its just a game
Nobody will ever

And thats why LOVE is all there is


Beyond Love there is the NOTHING

Where do we all know it from?

What happens if I would go to the next step. WHAT


IF.

Later I went to the outhouse discovering the magic outside.


It was amazingly colorful. In the dark the trees were
glowing. I saw lines of red and blue and green energies
connecting all things. It felt like seeing the matrix. But in
color explosion.
I went up the hill, it was too dark to see but looking at the
ground I saw arrows guiding my way. Green light arrows.
They were everywhere. Is this Alice in Wonderland?

On the way back I saw Nico standing there. Its good to have
you back. he said. I had no mind and no fear anymore. I was
only me now. And I knew who this guy was. His name here
is Nico, but he isnt Nico I knew. I remembered who he
was as a soul. I didnt get his name but I knew he is this
warrior. Always on the go to light up other souls. He brings
joy to the people. His thing always used to be to take his
mission too seriously that he would forget he deserved
little breaks and a life of love for himself indeed. This was so
like him! He did it again. Oh well. I felt the deepest
compassion and eternal love. He completely lived for his
mission. More than dedicated. I just totally knew. This kind
and courages soul always fighting for the good.

The next magical moment came when I sat on the sofa


again, he sat down next to me. I held his head stroking his
hair softly. Then he let go, he cried in my arms. Beautiful it
was. Full of love. I knew he remembered that he forgot to
Page 44 / 58
allow to receive love. But now he did. He was being
hair softly. Then he let go, he cried in my arms. Beautiful it
was. Full of love. I knew he remembered that he forgot to
allow to receive love. But now he did. He was being
vulnerable.

I was the real me. I felt unbelievably strong. I felt like a


queen. Like the sun. Like Ive been sent here to Earth to
bring back love. I was love. I felt the gratitude by the others
that I had come back to help them. They kind of showed
unusual respect. I felt almost worshipped.
The perspective had changed a bit. It wasnt only me
anymore. It was Nico and me. We somehow had this
mission together. I felt like together we could complete the
mission. Together we are LOVE. Its us. Love is us.

From this moment on it was clear for us. We belonged


together. I played I got you babe enjoying the faith that
streamed through my spirit. I found him! I got him back.
Nico looked up at me rolling his cigarette smiling hugely
wide all over his face. It felt like we knew this kind of
moment, that we had remembered in past lives as well. And
how beautiful it was!

From the other room I heard Jahn singing. Have I found


you flightless bird I did not believe it! Youre playing this
song??? I asked. You know this one? he said.
Magical coincidences all over the place. I finally had
arrived in heaven.

At some point we were lying next to each other in the


practice room listening to Pink Floyd and Jack Johnson. I
asked if I could kiss him. It felt weird to even think this
because on a soul level we loved each other so much, in
human form though it was a bit strange to us. Nevertheless
I was excited like a little girl. The first kiss. Hm that felt
weird. It was quick. Just a little kiss. It felt like my lips were
not mine. I didnt feel it really. Still I was completely happy.

Nico and I slept next to each other the whole night making
sure one part of our bodies would always touch the other. I
couldnt sleep but I was dreaming visions of the future. My
life was saved. There was nothing to fear. I would always be
fine now. Because I had found him, my eternal love, lying
next to me.

I got up at night to pee. Nico asked Wherere you going?


Ill be right back. smiling at him in full love. It felt as if we
needed to make sure we never ever lost touch again.
Page 45 / 58
Love Love Love

I thought its you and me


I thought together we are love
If there is no us there is no love
But I know there is always us
Even if we are apart
We still are ONE

Love is here
Love is you and me
When we are together
And when we are alone

Love comes to you


Without asking permission
Love doesnt knock
Love doesnt enter
Love is here

Love lets you float underwater with no need to


breathe
Love is the blue bird singing songs for you each
morning
Love is two squirrels chasing each other from one
tree to another

Love is touch
Love is your heartbeat
Love is your smile
Love dances inside
Page 46 / 58
Love sets you free
Love is your smile
Love dances inside
Love sets you free

Love never rests


It will find you
When youre not ready at all
When you think you dont need love
Love is already around

Love is just four letters


So tiny, so fragile
Love was the word I wasnt supposed to use
Love was something special
Too far away to reach
Already flown away

And then life came asking if I would be ready


Of course not
Life answered as you wish
Next thing I know is jumping, singing, smiling
Not grasping whats going on with me
Suddenly I wanted hugs
What was going on
So there is actually a way of loving the people that
surround you interesting
I love you is not just something that people say
when they get married

We dont say I love you enough


When you love dont be careful
Be what you are in this moment
Feel what you feel
Say what it is you need to say

Love is play and being goofy


Love is laughing
Love is cheering and celebration

The next day Nico and I sat by the fire outside under the
stars. I remember him saying after this extraordinary
experience last night, I just wanna be with you.

I felt unbelievable happy as this was exactly how I felt.

Me too. There is nothing else that matters to me anymore. I


just wanna be with you.

This night we kissed again. Still it felt somewhat strange. We


stopped and both of us said it feels like kissing my brother/
my sister. But it didnt matter. For me kissing or making Page 47 / 58
This night we kissed again. Still it felt somewhat strange. We
stopped and both of us said it feels like kissing my brother/
my sister. But it didnt matter. For me kissing or making
love with Nico was completely NOT important at all. I didnt
need to be physically close to him. I felt so much love for
him. Nothing could put that into words. Nothing could ever
explain. It didnt need to be explained. It was so real, so
deep, so true.

Jahn can Fly Now

The beautiful man who felt so deeply.


The man who came to us from the fairy sanctuary.

We used to sit on the sofa holding hands doing nothing but


feeling.
He used to go singing loud in the next room or learn to
play guitar on the roof.
He was an angel sent to us to bring warm joy and harmony.
His calmness spread into each soul.
His gentle being surrounded us like a fairies splendor.

Jahn had one real tough morning, he couldnt work,


something was not right. He seemed lost. We thought he
needed time on his own, write, refresh the mind.

When he came in I asked him if he is ok and if he feels like


joining me for work.
Actually I am leaving. he said.
Do you know where to go? was the only thing I needed to
know.
Yes.
Somehow I knew he would be fine and save.
Im sure I will meet you again. I said.
I know we will. he answered.

Gillia, Nico, Jahn and me heard one last song to say


goodbye.

If you would only listen


You might just realize what youre missing
Youre missing me
If you would only listen
You might just realize what youre missing
Youre missing me

And then he was goneoff to his next destination

Page 48 / 58
Last night he just stood in the kitchen listening to
music.
To that one song. Save tonightTomorrow Ill be
goneDont you cry
He taught me Its all so stupidevery song is only
written for youto predict the future
COULD IT BE???

Two days later Police came to the farm. Jahn was reported
missing. My throat is still closing when I think about it.
They searched everything. Found nothing.
Later outside we found his diary, for some reason he had
left it for us nobody forgets his diary.

The next day while sitting outside I had a vision as I looked


at a bucket filled with water on the top a single leaf floating.
I knew! I knew what had happened.
In my vision I saw Jahn drowning in the water.
I had to go to the waterfall where we used to go together. I
had to check if he is there! Maybe there is still time.
I went alone. Feelings and fear inside ate me alive. Please let
me find him alive!
Nevertheless did I prepare myself for the worst case.

I reached the waterfall.

Page 49 / 58
Empty. Nobody was there.

Two days later the news reported having found Jahn dead
in a river nearby.

I will always love you Jahn. Ill see you soon!

On the following day hundreds of white little flies were


buzzing around me looking like tiny fairies with white
feathery soft coats.

Hello Jahn!

Now he can fly.

Nico and I
Page 50 / 58
He had become the love of my life. Each night we walked
He had become the love of my life. Each night we walked
hand in hand to his trailer. Each night we talked about the
stars, the miracles of life. We could just sit or lie and be in
each others energy and we would be in heaven.

For some reason we could not sleep next to each other at


night, we would lie awake all night if we did. The energy
was too intense being close.

Even though being in love with him was different than


anything Ive ever felt before and the intensity of our love
would blow away all human longings at some point I
wished to be closer to him. But I had learned some lessons
about expectations. And I liked what I had learned. I still
wished to make love with him.

I didnt want to pressure it but I told him. And it was this


easy light feeling of wanting this cause with Nico there was
no way for me to be attached to him. He was free, I was
free. I loved him but we would still live our lives. I knew. So
the human longing for touch and closeness was for the
happiness of the moment. And I was ready for it. He told me
its gonna happen, I shouldnt worry.

It did happen. And it was not like the kisses, it was purely
amazing. So true, so vulnerable, so pure. Like a miracle.

I belong to Nobody

After all that time here at Chuckleberry and especially after


the LSD experience I had become a new person. I felt
strong. Safe within myself. Sure to be always provided with
what I needed.
I was ready to learn to fly.
I talked to Sebastian about my next steps. I felt ready to
move on.
I told him that I will leave Chuckleberry alone.
I still loved him but I wanted to be on my own now. I had
found my courage to walk the path that is meant for me.
There was something waiting for me and I had to find it by
myself.
I told him I didnt know what the future will hold. It could
be anything. We could still end up together, having a family,
or we could be friends, or we could never see each other
again. I didnt know. What is meant to be will happen Page 51 / 58
or we could be friends, or we could never see each other
again. I didnt know. What is meant to be will happen
anyway.
I felt free of worries for the first time in my entire life.

This was it. Id finally leave Sebastian. Written in stone.


The night I told him I was being very gentle trying to
explain. It was about me. Not him or my love for him. The
future wasnt up to me anymore. I had faith in the universe,
that was all I knew. His pain didnt allow him to understand.
He became furious. He left. Screamed. Hit things. Broke
stuff. Cried.
I was scared but I knew I had done the right thing. I was
being true to myself.
It was a gift from heaven that Gillia was there to take care
of Sebastian. They talked for hours through the night she
told me getting him off the path of doing something
dangerously stupid.

I planned on traveling south to Mexico for the winter. As it


was meant to be, Nico had the same plan but we wouldnt
leave together. We would meet again, this we knew. But not
when or where exactly.

I knew I had to travel alone. I wanted to be on my own.


To change my deepest core belief. Letting go of the fear to
be alone.
I wasnt scared anymore to start.

Oct. 3rd 2015

The leafs change color now.


Its time.
A new season has begun.
And the sun is shining.
Always.
Shining where Ill go

There is no Need to Say

On October 4th 2015 Nico was leaving Chuckleberry after


extending his planned three weeks stay for another two
weeks risking trouble crossing the US-Border as his visa
expired.
Page 52 / 58
weeks risking trouble crossing the US-Border as his visa
expired.

Its because of you, he had told me after having decided to


stay longer;
there is something more I have to learn here.

Come on its time to go

Im gonna have to move on


Before we meet again

Dont cry tonight


I know this is not goodbye

The music had its own way to teach me.

In the late afternoon I drove Nico to the river where he


wanted to camp before heading off the next morning. We
now could spend some time alone.

I felt like the whole world is mine sitting with him in the
dark. Doing nothing, chasing time became the most special
thing in space.

We sat and talked, ate dinner, sat in silence embodying


peace. There was no need to do anything. I didnt even feel
the need to kiss him. A kiss would have meant nothing.
There was something unbelievable strong inside of us that
washed all needs away. Nothing in existence could possibly
say, show or mean more than our love for each other in
this moment.
Page 53 / 58
say, show or mean more than our love for each other in
this moment.

There is no need to say I love you even. Its just there.

This was goodbye. I wasnt sad, I didnt cry, I knew this


wasnt over.
This was a happy moment. This was see you soon. The
beginning.
The life of freedom unfolding.

Let me know and Ill let you know.

We had to walk our own paths but we knew wherever we


are, whatever we do, the other would always be there
sharing what we are experiencing as well.

I walked away in the dark.

I love you! Nico said behind me.

I turned around and said I love you quietly. My eyes filled


with tears and then I smiled and walked up the stairs never
looking back.

True love allowed each person to follow their own


path, knowing that they would never lose touch
with their Soul Mate. (Brida Paulo Coelho)

Hello Sunshine Come Into My Life

Some time ago I had looked for something to paint around


the community house. I found the cover of Paulo Coelhos
Brida and loved it so much I had to paint it.

Page 54 / 58
I started reading it right after I finished the picture.

Reading Brida feels like remembering a dream. It


feels like I know all this. Its so very familiar. So
beautiful.

Only now, when she was considering changing on


the outside, could she realize how much she had
changed inside. (Brida, 109)

I knew its time to go, time to move on. I couldnt wait


exploring the world within my Self.

Its ok how I feel. Its ok that I am sad. Its ok that I


am scared.
Love never dies. We always meet again. But now its
time to let go first.
Summer is over. I learned so much.
Now its time to learn somewhere else. I dont
belong here.
There is no pain. Its just the change that scares me.

New Lesson: Know when its time to LEAVE

The day before I left, Yves who had just arrived some days
ago, looked at me and said:
You are the Yellow Girl. You shine. You light up this place.

What did he see inside me I wasnt ready to believe?

Goodbye Chuckleberry, Goodbye Old


Life

I was being gifted the most amazing Goodbye-Sharing-


Circle ever. Sitting at the table surrounded by my family.
Yes everybody here had become my family.
All your beautiful words, all your love will be in my heart
forever! I love you! I thank you for everything you have taught
Page 55 / 58
forever! I love you! I thank you for everything you have taught
me. I know we will see each other again! We always do.

Take care my loves! Take care Chuckleberry!

Oct. 8th 2015


Sebastian and Gillia drove me to the same spot I left Nico a
few days ago as this was the best place to hitch a ride. My
plan was hitchhiking to Mexico.

I wanted a quick goodbye. Because usually I wasnt good in


saying goodbye. No not usually, I used to be. Now I was
ready for my next adventure and I didnt want to spend
time dwelling in sadness. There was nothing to be sad
about! Love was here. With me. I was free. The world my
oyster.
I felt pure happiness saying goodbye to Sebastian and Gillia.
I felt so strong I could have dried their tears by my light.

Sebastian said: I SEE YOU!

I swallowed this huge compliment knowing inside I didnt


hide anymore. I became visible to the world. Here I was.
The real Annegret!

Then they drove away. Not knowing if we will ever see each
other again.

Next: Hitchhiking Port Angeles to San Francisco

Share this:

Twitter Facebook 8 Google


Page 56 / 58
Twitter Facebook 8 Google

Like
Bethefirsttolikethis.

Search SEARCH

RECENT POSTS

Of Minds and Wings

Time For Change?

Three

Dreams Rise High Its Time

At Night

RECENT COMMENTS

ARCHIVES

December 2016

November 2016

October 2016

September 2016

August 2016

July 2016

June 2016

CATEGORIES

Page 57 / 58
Blog
Blog

Uncategorized

META

Register

Log in

Entries RSS

Comments RSS

WordPress.com

BLOG AT WORDPRESS.COM.

Page 58 / 58