Taylor Stoll

PSYC 301-001

Dr. Merck

28 November 2016

Outside Book Report: Daring Greatly by Bren Brown

Bren Browns Daring Greatly is a deeply profound, encouraging, and

introspective guide to becoming a more wholehearted, secure person. The book begins

with exploring the cultural problem of scarcity and how it cultivates shame which leads

to fear of vulnerability and ultimately poor leadership. Brown explains that we as a

culture are constantly being held to unattainable standards for perfection set by the

media and celebrities. We wake up in the morning already telling ourselves that we

didnt get enough sleep or enough caffeine or we didnt get up early enough. Comparing

ourselves to what is deemed to be enough breeds shame because we will never be

satisfied. According to brown, shame is silent and hidden yet it destroys our capacity to

be vulnerable and open. Brown quotes,

We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light inside of

us. But if we dont come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start

believing that theres something wrong with usthat were bad, flawed,

not good enoughand even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we

want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In

order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.

This quote completely embodies the main concepts of Daring Greatly because it

addresses confrontation, self-doubt, shame, vulnerability, fear, and the need to grow.
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Throughout the book, Brown takes the reader through countless scenarios and

examples to ensure that her research is relatable to everyone. Most of her research

began with a question from an audience member after one of her speeches. She also

admits to struggling with her own shame and vulnerabilities throughout her career

including fear of audience judgment, struggles with addiction, accidental email

confrontations, and more. Because she addresses shame, vulnerability, and

mindfulness from a personal standpoint, Brown is able to truly inspire her readers to

follow her advice and dare greatly in their own lives.

Many people may read the word shame and check out, thinking that it does not

apply to them, but Brown tailors her research to everyone. Shame is unfortunately

present in every life and it is seen anytime one is afraid of what someone else might

think. Brown writes that there are only two choices when dealing with shame, Fess up

to experiencing shame or admit that youre a sociopath. Therefore it is extremely

important to develop what Brown calls shame resilience. Combatting shame requires

shedding light on the issues that cause shame, and recognizing that worthiness is not

defined by success or others opinions. When shame is kept hidden, it is destructive.

However, when we have the courage to be vulnerable and dare greatly, we are able to

combat shame and all of the baggage that accompanies it.

We have tailored what Brown calls vulnerability armor to ourselves since birth.

This armor shields us from others seeing our vulnerabilities and allows us to become

disconnected and hardened to the opinions of others. The way to begin to climb out of

this armor is through believing that we are enough. Believing that we are enough

envelops us in a sense of worthiness and breaks down boundaries to encourage

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engagement and empathy. Letting yourself be seen is a scary yet essential part of

practicing wholeheartedness and becoming free. The most common armor shields that

people use are foreboding joy, perfectionism, and numbing. We figure if we dont allow

ourselves to experience joy, are always perfect, and are numb to pain, then we cant

ever be hurt by vulnerability. The act of daring greatly is actively combatting these

tendencies and removing armor to become vulnerable and ultimately free from the

gremlins of shame.

Daring Greatly directly relates to Gottmans sliding door concept. Gottmans

sliding door concept is built on the foundation that trust is built and cultivated in small

moments. Gottman proposes that couples are constantly faced with moments where

they can turn toward or turn away from their partner. This reinforces Bren Browns

ideas about perfectionism and vulnerability and shame because she repeats over and

over again to not worry about opinions of people who arent in your inner circle. Your

inner circle of people are those that are in the arena fighting and getting their butts

kicked too. Additionally, this relates to the concepts of trust and shame, and how both of

those are a byproduct of vulnerability. Shame is cultivated when couples are constantly

turning away from their partners. Turning away leads to disengagement and eventually

it leads to partners living parallel lives. According to Gottman, this is one of the largest

indicators of divorce, and accorsing to Brown it is directly linked to higher levels of

shame.

Daring Greatly relates to almost all of Gottmans principles if they are applied

more introspectively rather than to relationships with others. When we choose to turn

toward joy in our lives and turn toward people that are encouraging and supportive, we
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have better shame resilience and ultimately more comfort with vulnerability. In his book

The Relationship Cure, John Gottman talks about bids and bid busters. Bids are

moments where partners look for validation and positively respond to each other. Bid

busters are behaviors that actively work against bids. According to Gottman, common

bid busters include mindlessness, harsh startups, criticism, emotional flooding,

negativity, and avoidance of tough conversations. This can be applied to Daring Greatly

because Brown encourages her readers to be careful of many of these bid busters in

their personal lives so that they can be more shame resistant and have balance in their

lives. In order to combat the gremlins in our minds, we need to employ Gottmans

principles to avoid bid busters in our own liveswe need to practice mindfulness,

radiate positivity, embrace confrontation, and avoid unnecessary criticism.

Although these principles transcend romantic relationships and apply to personal

behavior improvements, Daring Greatly is not a romantic relationship book. It is a self-

improving, empowering book that applies to a wide range of life experiences from dating

to parenting to leadership in the workplace. Therefore it does not completely align with

Gottmans principles simply because it is not centered on intimate relationships. Brown

is brilliant in her ability to apply her theories and research to life in general, and that is

how this book is so applicable to every reader in every stage of life. I may not be in a

leadership position at work or a parent, but I can still apply her research on balance in

life and trust in all types of relationships to my life.

Personally, Daring Greatly has opened my eyes to my own vulnerabilities and

shame about my future. I tend to be a perfectionist in everything I do, and reading this

book has allowed me to understand that perfection is not what will get me into a
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doctoral program, nor will it make me ultimately happy in life. Success and joy come

when we have the courage to be vulnerable and love our imperfections. During high

school, my mother always went soft on me when I messed up because she knew that I

would be harder on myself than she could ever be. I have always prided myself on

being self-motivated and going above and beyond to make sure that everything I do is

perfect, so I would feel like a failure when I didnt perform well. I never cut myself any

slackeven so much that I occasionally feel like the doctoral program Im applying to

isnt enough because it isnt medical school. Im starting to see that holding myself to

unreasonable standards is not conducive to being ultimately satisfied. I have recently

started to allow myself to take a break from stressors in my life, and I have been more

mindful to cut myself slack when unexpected events come up or if Im just plain tired.

Im still working on finding balance between the two, and I feel like that will be a

constant struggle throughout my life. However, as long as I can recognize when I

become overwhelmed with perfectionism, I hope that I will be able to rein it in to find

balance and joy.

Additionally, I found Daring Greatly to be extremely insightful about my father

struggling with alcoholism. After reading the section in chapter 3 about how men

experience shame, I felt completely enlightened about how I have not been helping my

father by silently condoning his behavior. Men experience shame extremely frequently,

and the women in their liveswho are so insistent on men sharing their feelingsare

stifling their ability to be vulnerable. According to Browns research, women dont really

want men to be vulnerable, rather we want them to be able to handle their problems and

not show weakness. This really hit me because I had never talked to my dad about his
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problem and how it affected me. He drinks in private because he is shameful about his

addiction, and I have never allowed him to be vulnerable because I encourage the

shame by remaining silent and making him believe that he cant show vulnerability and

weakness to his family. I never understood how addiction could be so affected and

influenced by shame until reading this book, and Im truly thankful for all of the insight

Daring Greatly has given me.

Im happy to say that since reading this book, I have found the courage to break

the silence and confront my dad about his alcoholism. I explained that I am concerned

about his health and quality of life, and that I am not going to allow him to carry this

shame alone. In that moment, I allowed him to be vulnerable and encouraged him to

have open discussions with me in the future about his problems. Im not nave; I realize

that my one conversation is not going to change his behavior forever. However, I am

optimistic that I can continue to have open conversations with him about his addiction

so that he one day will have the courage to be vulnerable about his problem. I will be

forever grateful to this book for teaching me about the stronghold that shame can have,

and how to combat it through love.

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