51 Genius Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was A Modern Philosopher

Nico Lang

In many ways, the comedian has the ability to be the philosopher of our era,
a social critic and theorist whose words have the ability to shape public
thought. As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. a few weeks ago, comedy
at its best pushes our buttons and challenges our ways of thinking. To me,
no person is a better example of that than George Carlin, a savage satirist
and brilliant thinker who was just as much of a writer and a philosopher as he
was a comedian. His medium was stand-up, but he touched on issues of race,
class, politics and American life saying the kinds of things no one else
dared.

Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television,
but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live
on through the ages. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show
him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of
society.
1. I dont have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
2. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.
3. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
4. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus
whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You
never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped
me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is
undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one
of those miracles.
5. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit
adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and
politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
6. Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do
somethin different. And of course this country is founded on the double
standard. Thats our history. We were founded on a very basic double
standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
7. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
8. How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.
9. If you take five white guys and put em with five black guys, and let em
hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, youll
notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black
guys do. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! We won the big
game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going,
Whats happenin?
10. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less
crowded, and has a better view.
11. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
12. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion,
and when its a chicken, its an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens
all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness?
Name six ways were better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know
why? Because chickens are decent people. You dont see chickens hanging
around in drug gangs, do you? No. You dont see a chicken strapping some
guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? Whens the
last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of
his hen, huh? Doesnt happen. Because chickens are decent people.
13. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate
to have people think they dont care what people think.
14. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
15. Were so self-important. So arrogant. Everybodys going to save
something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the
snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people
kidding? Save the planet? We dont even know how to take care of ourselves;
we havent learned how to care for one another. Were gonna save the fuckin
planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first
place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people,
the planet is doin great. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt
goin anywhere, folks. We are! Were goin away. Pack your shit, were goin
away. And we wont leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left.
Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and well be gone. Another
failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake.
16. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
17. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the
sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. And if
you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and
fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and
burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and He
needs money.
18. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be
asleep to believe it.
19. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against
homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these
fucking people alone for Christs sake. Here is an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians
are just tossing them aside. Youd think theyd make natural allies. Go look for
consistency in religion.
20. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system
would collapse.
21. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so
that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and
trying to take other peoples stuff.
22. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed.
Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course
was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love.
That is a true oxymoron if Ive ever heard one: Civil War. Do you think
anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? Say, pardon me?
(shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.
23. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. When youre born in
America, you get a front-row seat.
24. So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else.
Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody:
The public sucks. Elect me. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.
Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright,
honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them?
Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we dont have people like that.
Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in
them. And complaining about the politicians.
25. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
26. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two
institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.
27. I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who
buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: Somewhere along the
way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should
tell them is, Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and
integrity.' Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group
that has a name. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. And if,
somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade
association, go ahead and join. But dont participate; it will be your death.
And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being
observant.
28. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle.
They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
29. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? Theyre all in
favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once youre
born, youre on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus
from conception to nine months. After that, they dont want to know about
you. They dont want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day
care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing.
If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked.
30. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some
people have to go to work and dont have time for all that shit.
31. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is
legal. Why isnt selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell
something thats perfectly legal to give away? I cant follow the logic on that
one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly
the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying
napalm on people. In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm.
32. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out
where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the
audience happy about crossing the line with me.
33. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average
over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. Thats three million plus acres, four
thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. You could build two Rhode
Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted
on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing;
the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring
game. A boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? Its
like watching flies fuck!
34. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is
patrolling that portion of the room I dont occupy. But if he starts that smart-
ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is
engaging in high-risk behavior.
35. And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesnt
seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that
says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses,
mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing
sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective
thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to
kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the
whole fucking thing up!
36. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in
encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? Its because
volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to
work for no pay for a long time.
37. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
38. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts.
It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
39. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of
a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his
minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud
parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit
and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in
public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public
school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to
your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the
embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not
only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.
40. People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You
ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits.
And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the
only ones who vote.
41. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?
42. Rights arent rights if someone can take them away. Theyre privileges.
Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And
if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets
shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in
this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about
them! The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your
rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about
you! Its interested in its own power. Thats the only thing. Keeping it and
expanding it wherever possible.
43. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed
each other in opposite directions.
44. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an
agnostic. Im an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me.
45. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there
are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are
six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors.
Because you have the illusion of choice.
46. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the
music.
47. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink?
Actually, I dont care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because Im an
American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. Im a loyal
American and Im not happy unless I let government and industry poison me
a little bit every day.
48. Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy,
men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
49. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your
mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you
shouldnt say because theyresins. And besides telling you things you
shouldnt say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be
saying; Heres something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in
the morning; heres something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at
night; heres something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after
the first full moon in spring at 4 oclock when the bells ring. Religion is
always suggesting things you ought to be saying.
50. I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I dont believe anything the
government tells me. [] I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a
lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. Thats all it is. War is a whole lot of men
standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure
about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the
idea. Thats what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. Thats what all that
adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is
all about. Its called dick fear! Men are terrified that their pricks are
inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better
about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men
are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You dont have to
be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at
work. It sounds like this: What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them! And of
course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks.
Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. Its
called fucking with people!
51. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say
that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.