Unintelligent!

-President Sean Decator

FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017 | Year MMXVII | Number 9.8 | PRICE: DKE LODGE FLOORPLANS
INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Qunioa, Quinwow,
Whispers Prospie

You Passed Comps,

but Can You Pass a
Kidney Stone?

Kenyon 2021 Already

Embarrassing
Themselves on
Facebook

5 Sundresses That
Scream
Housing Lottery Couldve Been Worse Reports
Raccoon Horde
Junior Living in Deli Meat Case Says Water Tower
daily basis. Sure I could dwell on the negatives, but there are Is Next

F
by SEXMONEY COOLIDGE
Annies room will also have a lively daytime com- a lot of unexpected positives here! Im close to the
ARR HALL When asked about this years
munity, but also provides the quiet environment per- market, and the roast beef actually gives me a lot of
housing lottery, Annie Vaseline 19 reported
fect for night-time study, or just to rest, usually after neck support which is nice. And Ill always have so-
that it couldve been worse after choosing a
4:00 p.m., or 2:00 p.m. on Sundays. meone to wake me up in the morning! Annie is of
cozy single in the Gambier Deli meat case.
I mean honestly there were way worse options. course referring to the deli workers, who will have to
Despite Annie being given the less-than-fortunate
lottery number of 13,000, she will be making the best
One of my friends, Alfonso Garbanzo, is living in a work around Annie in order to gain the meats and COLLEGIATE
STAFF
triple with two cats in the pipe outside of Caples. cheeses necessary to do their jobs.
of her circumstances in her new living space in the
Another one of my friends is a first year CA! Its certainly going to be an adjustment, said
Delis meat case, which has been made into new hou- Terry Gross . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
deli-worker and chef Manny Cotty. Its going to be
sing as part of Kenyons 2020 Plan. At about eight Michelle Norris . .Dallas Hernandez

square feet, air-conditioning, and one window that

Its better than living in a difficult to have your meat case be somewhere a stu- Robert Siegal. . . . . Rotten Waspman
dent calls home. But were excited to have Annie be-
New Apt.
David Dye ....theForbiddenMan
makes up the perimeter of the room, Annie is looking
come a part of the Deli Family! Ira Flatow . . . . . . Cornelia Bedilia
at what can at least be called one of Kenyons most Ira Glass . . . Squeeps Mcqueeps
Holding pregames and having people over is
unique living spaces! Dave Davies .. Mr. Clean
So clearly things could have been worse. Annie going to be interesting. But its better than living in Bob Garfield . . . Nardy Shingles
Its probably the only air-conditioned space
states that its important to stay hopeful and see the a New Apt, Annie concluded. Guy Raz . . . . . Baba Wawa
on campus, which will be nice during the summer
silver lining in situations like these. After visiting her In other news, the recent increase in complaints Audie Cornish . . Sexmoney Coolidge
months, Annie said. Plus, not only is it already fu- Bob Boilen. . . Salacious B. Crumb
room for the first time since the lottery, she had this of hair and fabric being in deli sandwiches is comple-
lly furnished, but I get it professionally cleaned on a Melissa Block. . . . . Phil Tippett
to say. tely unrelated to Annies move-in. n
Michel Martin . . . . . . . Belle Gristle
President of the World . . . . . . .

Study Finds One in Four Campus Organizations to be ECO . . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-

First-Year Hole-Diggers, SAASVL (Stu- collaborator PEAS as well, but had early

G
by DALLAS HERNANDEZ
UND COMMONS Last Tues-
day researchers were pleased to
discover that just over 25% of all
campus organizations appear to be ECO.
Lead researcher Maria Arbor declared the
result a Great green goodness for all.
After careful examination of all 168
campus organizations, Arbors
discerned that many organizations pre-
viously thought to be separate from ECO,
are in fact ECO. These groups include
dents Against Appropriation of the Sym-
bolic Value of the Lorax), Fishing Club,
Mens Ultimate Frisbee, Dream Reading
Group, Hive Gatherings, K-Bikes, The
Collegian, SWAPLSCF (Students Who
think Appropriating the Lorax in Some
Contexts is Fine), Land Lords, ECO Na-
tional, Lawn Game Enthusiasts, and many
team
others previously thought to be unique en-
tities.
Arbors team examined long-time ECO
trouble confirming their existence. She
stated, PEAS was elusive and hard to
track, but after months of research, we
can safely say that they are also ECO
The study concludes that ECO is still
growing, and may even comprise 50% of
campus organizations by 2019. While it
is not well understood just what is fue-
ling this growth, all signs point toward an
unstoppable tide of green that will crush
all enemies in its path. n
dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
2 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017
NEWS
Visiting Family
Watches in Horror as
Tour Guide Steps
Backwards into Graham
Gunds Gaping Jaws
by CORNELIA BEDILIA
A
SCENSION LAWN
Prospective family the Ro-
binsons watched in horror
Tuesday as their tour guide, Jamie
Wilkes 18, a film and sociology
double major from Boston, unk-
nowingly stepped backward into
the gaping jaws of Graham Gund
63 H81.
Wilkes was purportedly consu-
med by Gund, here manifested as a
large, phallic presence, outside As-
cension Hall around 2 p.m. Tues-
day afternoon. Sobbing, the family
recounted their surprise when, just
as Wilkes illuminated the perks of
attending a college whose campus
boasts a diverse array of classical
architecture, the razor-sharp teeth
of GUND Partnership president
and Rhode Island School of Design
alum Graham Gund closed around
her.
We thought her being eaten
alive by the world-renowned archi-
tect was all part of the tour, Dad
said.
In fact, it was not. After Wilkes
was promptly chewed and swa-
llowed, Gund slithered from the
scene and oozed into the hole for-
merly occupied by the Cove to di-
gest a little before seeking his next
victim.
It was absolutely revolting,
Mom said. As we watched Jamie
being gobbled up by the former
chairman of the Cleveland Trust
Company, students were just flic-
king their cigarette butts onto the
ground! What a waste.
The College has not yet relea-
sed a formal statement regarding
Tuesdays events, though adminis-
trators have met with and comfor-
ted the Robinsons since they wit-
nessed the incident.
Are students occasionally de-
voured by the avid art collector and
philanthropist? Dean of Students
Rebecca Bates asked. Yes, they
are. But hes an avid art collector
and philanthropist.
Bates paused as the screams of
another student being ingested by
Gund echoed outside of Farr Hall.
I just think we need to be a little
more open-minded about what
hes done for this school, she said.
Times are changing. Campuses
are growing. Students are being ea-
ten alive by rich alumni. n
the kenyon collegiate
Notes from Abroad: Your Dads House
L
by NARDY SHINGLES
ook, everyones going to tell you
that going abroad is too tough.
But ever since coming to college,
I always knew I wanted to find myself
and I knew I could find a way in study
abroad. So a few weeks in, Im sitting
in a coffee shop, overlooking the city
streets, watching face after face pass by
and I realize, through brick alleyways
and cobblestone streets, I am in love
with my program and my host family.
And as for finding myself...I think I rea-
lly did--at your dads house.
I figured the best option for me was
staying somewhere closer to home and
your dads house just seemed like the
perfect choice. Established the year af-
ter you left for college and your parents
started empty-nesting, your dads hou-
se has become a perfect program for an-
yone looking for a culturally enriching
experience away from home.
For anyone debating whether they
want to go abroad, I know finances are a
huge factor, which is exactly why I cho-
se your dads house. Your dads house
Faculty Research Sheds New Light on Bradley
by ROTTEN WASPMAN
S
AMUEL MATHER HALL At the tail
end of an extended sabbatical, Dr.
Woodlyn Shabbsick is feeling confi-
dent about her work. For the newly-tenured
professor of psychology, its not just the most
prolific research of her own career; its a land-
mark study for the broader community of
scientists and scholars. For those who may be
interested in Bradley Chaddington 20 and, as
Shabbsick puts it, his douchecanoe tenden-
cies, Shabbsicks work will go down in his-
tory.
I believe Bradleys case has implications
for future studies in everything from Anthro-
pology to Zoology, says Professor Shabbsick.
What mechanisms--biological and beyond-
-make him the absolute worst? Ive gotten
the ball rolling, but its up to others to see it
through.
Shabbsick began asking about Chadding-
ton in the fall of 2015, when she happened to
come across the Danbury, Connecticut nati-
vethen a prospective studenton his
is a home-stay; Ive been living with a
family that consists of your dad. I know
living with someone new can be tough,
and sometimes uncomfortable, but
your dad has been very kind and so gi-
ving. We get along very well, as he does
everything I say and always agrees with
me. Additionally, its fairly new, so your
dads house comes with many new and
accessible facilities like your dads car
and your dads wallet. I havent had to
pay for anything once, even the things
that are like totally chill for me to pay
for like toothpaste and Tums and gifts
for my familyyour dad always insists.
I think that is very nice because we cant
all afford a year in Morocco (Cindy!!!).
With that, dont even worry about going
on trips during orientation and breaks
because your dad always covers the
costs! We leave the country in the dead
of night, I wear a potato sack over my
head whenever were in a car, and he
tells everyone Im his niece Im lear-
ning so much about your dads culture.
Now academicsI know what youre
thinking: Oh but its not as rigorous
and you probably slack off all day and
campus tour. The minute Bradley stepped
foot in the science quad, he tripped a fellow
visiting student and called him a homo dic-
kweed. After that, he high-fived the young
man next to him and proclaimed the move to
be a sick-nasty burn. From then on, Ive just
been captivated.
Soon after, the professor embarked on
an ambitious longitudinal study, intending
to track Chaddington as he came to Kenyon.
I wanted to know if he would continue to be
an absolute asshole into the future. It was my
hope that, should his conduct remain cons-
tant or increase in douchiness, we would be
able to isolate the variables driving those be-
haviors.
Shabbsick announced her leave and has
since used the entirety of a generous grant to
conduct her research. Fortunately, the gam-
ble paid off. We found a strong causal link,
explains the professor. Across the board, the
presence of fellow jerks--regardless of exter-
nal or extenuating factors--resulted in a di-
rect increase in asshattery. Shabbsick has
PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING
Student Life
party all night! Your dad offers a varie-
ty of diverse courses like Economics of
Single Men in Their 50s, Divorce Legal
Studies, Communicating with Ex-Wives
101, and Freudian Logic. Everyday, Im
working for your dad from studying to
shopping to exercising my hands with
the hand grips he bought me while he
watches from a telescope in the other
roomBUT its the least I can do since
your dad literally funds my whole live-
lihood and doesnt speak directly to me
except through a through a micropho-
ne and a wire hooked to my ear at all
times.
Now, as I close this diary of thoughts
on your dad, I can feel my time hear
winding down to a close, and I know
that though Im scared of a world
without your dad, I think Ill be okay.
Ive come to know so much already
like gardening, cooking, and faking a
passport of your cousin. And yet, yes.
I know theres still so much to be lear-
ned. And I know Ill be back one day
Just kidding. Not for your dad, ho-
ney :p n
since gone public with her results, landing a
publication last month in the prestigious Yale
Journal of Psychology.
The brainy stuff? Its aight, I guess, re-
marked Chaddington when asked about his
newfound fame, sticking a bulging wad of
chewed gum under a desk in Ascension as he
spoke. Professor Shabby has a great rack.
Do you think shed buy me some brewskis?
Chaddington proceeded to lose interest, be-
coming engrossed in a debate with classmate
Nelton Sommers 19 about the relative merits
of tits versus ass.
Shabbsicks study has earned the pro-
fessor a slew of accolades, including several
award nominations and a feature in an upco-
ming issue of Psychology Today. The profes-
sor is staying humble, however. What mat-
ters to me is that the Bradley phenomena
is going to be recognized. Hopefully, well be
able to prevent cases like his in the future-
-thats what really gets me excited.n
THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017
Student Life
Junior Stares Into the Abyss, Abyss Summer Internship Opportunity:
Feels Uncomfortable
A
by SQUEEPS MCQUEEPS
ccording to anony-
mous reports Kurt
Varuna 18, who
announced on his Twitter
that he was staring into the
abyss, has been doing so for
so long that the abyss has be-
gun to get mildly uncomforta-
ble with the whole situation.
Madeline Sarevjo 19
spotted Varuna sitting on the
tables in front of Gund Com-
mons, just kinda, I dunno,
chilling? But like introspec-
tively. This was around 10
a.m., February 22, and, as of
press time, Varuna has not
done much more than just
sit there, silently staring at
the abyss. Occasionally, Sare-
vjo said, a single tear will run
down his face and drop onto
the ground.
The abyss seemed to noti-
ce Varuna at about 11:00 a.m.,
but it was just one of those
moments where you lock eyes
with someone accidently and
hastily shift your gaze away
Mom, Look, I Got a Single! Its a Tent
Pitched Inside a Caples Double
G
by BONES BINKLEY
UND COMMONS
Mom! Listen up!
You will never guess
how great my housing next
year is going to be. Not only
do I get my very own room
all to myself in the tallest
building for miles around,
its walls are made of blue
shiny fabric! Yeah, you heard
that right. I get my very own
space designed for spending
short amounts of time in the
outdoors but I will be defying
expectations by spending
several months in it inside a
fully insulated building. Clo-
se your eyes and picture it,
mom! Your baby boy waking
up every day to the fresh rays
of sunlight filtered through
both a window and a thin la-
yer of fabric, taking a nice big
stretch but not so big that he
punches a hole in his ceiling,
and unzipping the door of the
sweet, sweet housing he sco-
red.
I know what youre going
to say, Mom. Son, how are
Hang Out With Me
from them. But, as was shown,
this was no accident. It was not
until a half hour later that the
abyss noticed that Varuna was,
indeed, giving him the looky-
loo.
After this, the abyss gave
a visible shiver, and beads of
sweat began forming on the
part of the infinite hopeless
void that can only be assumed
to be the abysss forehead.
Poor, um...guy? Sarevjo
said. He must feel so watched
all the time. This kind of hap-
pens a lot. Every time some-
body gets sad, or discovers a
kind of winter dispair-flavored
indie group that they assume
is way darker and mournful
than what everybody else is
currently listening to.
Sarevjo added that the Va-
runa had just gone on a huge
ABBA listening spree a
breach of sadboi aesthetic that
would require some seriously
brooding stuff to restore
streetcred at the Horn Gallery.
Because the abyss is inhe-
you going to make friends
in your cool new dorm when
youre living all alone in
your super-exclusive all-to-
your-self kick-ass single?
Well, mom,you seem to be
forgetting the freaking dope
location of my tent I mean
room. I will be living in the
small patch of floor between
two other peoples beds!
How could we not become
friends? As they lay in their
beds at night and I lie on the
floor between them, theyll
discuss the ups and downs
of their long and trying colle-
ge days and I will shout little
interjections into the conver-
sation from my tent, sort of
like an imaginary friend who
is real and lives in a tent in
the middle of your already
cramped, smelly, and over-
populated bedroom. Maybe
sometimes when we need a
change of scene, I can come
out to their room to visit or
they can come inside my tent
for a movie night, a soft drink,
or just to kick back and chill.
rently formless, motionless,
and all-encompassing, it could
not do usual avoidance techni-
ques, such as hiding behind a
bush, going into a bathroom
stall, or wearing Groucho glas-
ses.
There was a point, amid
the rising uncomfortableness
and embarrassment that it oc-
curred to the abyss that Varu-
na might be attracted to him,
and briefly blushed a shade of
obsidian a touch lighter than
the rest. It was only until it
realized that it, being a for-
mless void absent of warmth,
color or emotion, it had no at-
tractive qualities, and dismis-
sed the theory entirely.
Many ideas have been
proposed to resolve this exis-
tentially awkward situation,
but the best thing anyone can
come up with is to offer a Va-
runa a joint and/or a puppy in
the hopes that it would break
him from the soul-rending
and, like, totally embarras-
sing interaction.n
The list of perks of my sick
new home isnt even over yet,
mom. Imagine, if you will,
that I meet a nice girl in one
of my classes or an extracu-
rricular activity and I invite
her over to my place for some
one-on-one get-to-know-ya
time. Can you imagine how
impressed shell be when she
sees the atmospheric mood
lighting I set up by tying
a flashlight to the ceiling?
Once we squeeze ourselves
into the very small amount
of space not taken up by my
bookshelf, desk, desk chair,
and wardrobe, we will have
complete privacy as long as
we dont speak above a whis-
per or move at all.
While its hard to ima-
gine a future brighter than
mine next year, Im already
looking ahead to future
housing lotteries. If fortune
keeps smiling on me maybe
I can get a New Apt or even
a sleeping bag thrown on the
dirt pile that used to be Farr
Hall. n
3
NEWS
this school.
L
by MR. CLEAN
Like I said, it can be a bit quiet
et me guess. Your parents
around here, and thats where you
have been saying that they
come in. The College is pleased
dont want you to waste
offer, for the first time in history, a
another summer staying up un-
full-time, paid internship for Being
til 6 am playing video games and
My Friend. Qualified applicants will
watching Naruto. They keep emai-
have experience in laughing at my
ling you links of job openings and
jokes and chilling. Responsibilities
Thought Catalog articles on how
include hanging out with me, being
to make the most of your summer.
nice to me, and answering my texts
They tell you as much as they love
most of the time.
your company and your charisma
I know what youre thinking: I
and your retainer left out on the
already have to spend nine months
communal bathroom counter, its
a year in this god forsaken place,
time for you to do something with
why would I stay here any longer
you life. Mine too!
than I have to? Well, fair point. But
I work in Kenyon admissions,
just picture this: you and I on our
and basically my job is basically to
lunch break, eating chili from the
persuade teenagers to spend the
Market under the upside down tree
next four years in the middle of a
together, the wind blowing through
cornfield listening to guys mans-
our hair. We steal each others pho-
plain Plato on the weekdays and
nes, open tinder and swipe right on
getting fucked up on the weekends.
everyone, laughing when we both
Its not as hard as you would imagi-
match with the guy shooting a rifle
ne. Anyway, it can be a pretty lonely
in his profile picture. We no lon-
gig, especially during the summer,
ger feel empty inside. Sweet, sweet
when its just me working. Nobody
companionship.
really wants to tour a college when
So, how you do apply, you ask?
there are no students here, but once
Come by my office literally anyti-
in awhile a family or two comes
me. Bring your calendar and a list
through here and Im the one who
of shows on Netflix that youd be
sticks around to meet them, welco-
interested in starting together.
me them to our college, lie to them
Lets make this summer the least
about their chances of getting into
depressing one yet. Please.n
Are You There Gund? Its Me, Olin.
by SALACIOUS B. CRUMB
Are you there Gund? Its me, Olin. Im being torn down soon. Im
so scared Gund. Ive never been torn down before. Suppose I hate the
building afterlife? Suppose everybody there hates me? Please help me
Gund. Dont let New Jersey be too horrible. Thank you.
I get torn down on the Tuesday before Labor Day. I knew what it
would sound like when I smelled the diesel from the construction equi-
pment. I knew that because I caught Farr creaking off in the distance.
She always does that when shes being destroyed by a large wrecking
ball, to make sure people know its happening. I dont think buildings
start to creak until theyre at least fifty. So, I thought I would have an
extra decade or three to go.
I was really surprised when I started another year and found out
that the Cove had been torn down, and then the Black Box too? All be-
cause of something called the Master Plan? First of all, Id never even
heard of the Master Plan until I saw that happen -- and Im not usually
left out of important family decisions like this.
But when I groaned, Why New Jersey? Why does building hea-
ven have to be in New Jersey? I was told, Long Island is too social --
Westchester is too expensive -- and Connecticut is too inconvenient.
So, New Jersey it was. Where I would spend the rest of my days as
reconstituted concrete in a house on Morningbird Lane. It isnt bad
actually. The shutters on the front are going to be painted black. Also
there is a very nice radio station on the top floor -- it almost reminds
me of WKCO!
Anyhow, I figure this afterlife in New Jersey business is your way of
getting me away from all those Razer scooter riding freaks. They dont
like using cars, riding bikes, and think running is for losers. So unless
they plan to walk, which is unlikely, theyll be scooting past me forever.
Now some buildings might not care, and some buildings can be con-
sidered fun for their age, like Sunset, whose age I happen to know is
well over sixty. Sunset is always asking me if I have a special someone,
which is ridiculous, because we all know that its just you.
Right, Gund?. n
 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017
4

OPINION Local voices

Tea, Finger Sandwiches for VILLAGE RECORD
Sendoff FRIDAY, 1 APRIL, 8:52 p.m. Alcohol found in student residence. Alcohol disposed
different kinds of teas, including

P
by MEATLOAF BOAT of.
four lemon-flavored varieties: Le-
EIRCE HALL - After polis-
monade Mouth, I Like Lemon FRIDAY, 1 APRIL, 9:43 p.m. Underage student assisted due to alcohol intake.
hing off his Sunday cup of
Enough, Lemon-tastrophe, and
Bigelow English Breakfast
Lemon v. Kurtzman. SATURDAY, 2 APRIL, 10:08 p.m. Students found urinating in public near South
Tea in an obsidian octagonal mug, Campus.
Students in Kenyon Colleges
King AVI announced that AVI
Finer Things Club couldnt be more
Foodsystems will be serving tea FRIDAY, 8 APRIL, 10:45 p.m. Students referred for underage alcohol consumption
thrilled. A warm cup of Orange
and finger sandwiches to accom- near North Campus. Alcohol disposed of.
Zest for Sensitive Whites and the
pany the soothing sounds of Earl
thinnest cucumber sandwiches mo-
Sweatshirt at the annual Sendoff FRIDAY, 8 APRIL, 10:40 p.m. Students reported running naked in public area.
ney can buy with a real Earl? Never
cotillion.
would I have expected Kenyons SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 8:40 p.m. Student reported high-pitched sound from Caples
What better libations with
student body to class up like so, laundry room. Safety responded.
which to lubricate the completion-
cried Finer Things Club historian
of-academic-year festivities than a
Gregory Alistair George Fitzwilliam SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 8:53 p.m. Sound has revealed portal forming from dryer 11.
cup of Bigelow Constant Comment
Stanhope XXX 19. This will be a Further safety action required.
tea, served in one of our many fine
most invigorating opportunity to
sustain-a-mugs?, noted the King. SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 9:02 p.m. Portal has now unleashed bats. Said bats compa-
embrace my English heritage. Long
And for sustenance, I cant imagi- rable to size of average human male. Further safety action required.
live the Queen!
ne the Earl of Sweatshirt wanting
When asked if he had ever lis-
anything less than one of our finest SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 9:10 p.m. Anthropomorphic bat-men have escaped from
tened to the works of the Earl, portal home. Are ravaging nearby apartments and Village Market. Further safety
cucumber sandwiches served with
Stanhope XXX admitted to being action required.
whipped butter to hold us over until
unfamiliar. Of course, it was not
feast.
uncommon for the English nobility SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 9:26 p.m. 2 casualties lost to waged battle with bats. Char-
Upon hearing that the Earl of
to dream up some of the loveliest les and Lisa will be missed.
Sweatshirt was to perform for Sen-
specimens of classical music to ever
doff, King AVI was delighted to
grace the Barbican, he assured. I SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 10:47 p.m. Head of campus safety and declared leader of
hear that another nobleman would bat squadron have held formal discourse over coming to a truce.
am confident that the Earl will fo-
be arriving and began preparing,
llow in the trend of English classics
post haste, a properly sophistica- SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 10:55 p.m. Armistice quickly broken by opposing bat side.
of the highest brow.
ted occasion. Further military action required.
At press time, Earl Sweatshirt of
It is my understanding that the
Odd Future himself could be found SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 1:09 a.m. Writer of Village Record arms are sprouting wings,
Earl of Sweatshirt has quite a lot of
on Ransom Lawn holding a Peirce fingers claws, mouth fangs. To survive, conformity must be met. Nothing in life is
influence around these parts, King
cup full of blue Powerade with Pa- finite. Everything in said life will wither into empty sonic void.
AVI added. The young people all
trn and contemplated buying his
seem to know of him. It tickles me
fourth Market Dog of the day. In SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 1:10 a.m. sdfghfdhjb,ejrygf,kwhefb.kahgrug;.kuwhrv.
so that the student body pays atten-
response to an invitation for arti- kwqu467
tion to the finer things of life.
sanal crumpets at the Finer Things
This is a huge opportunity for SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 1:11 a.m. u6t3ygehoeiowp/afi.huort4f;gbowheafu..iu
Club on Sunday afternoon, Mr.
our young leaders to mingle with
Sweatshirt sent the club a signed
the bluest of bloods. SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 1:12 a.m. SDHRFTGYHUJIIFEGRUYF4H3JJWIOUFY7
copy of I Dont Like Shit, I Dont
AVI Foodsystems will offer 10
Go Outside.n SATURDAY, 9 APRIL, 8:54 p.m. Alcohol found in Mather Residence Hall. Students
reported and alcohol disposed of.

Here We Go Again: Decaturs Back on the Roof

by BELLE GRISTLE sident Sean Decatur could be on the roof see him on the roof, I feel like hes about The DKEs have fallen to their knees out-
until as late as tomorrow afternoon, and, to loudly declare every horrible thing Ive side of Cromwell Cottage, scourging their
RANSOM LAWNMove over, Boil
like always, students must not look him done in my life unless I change my ways. exposed backs with whips to atone for
Alerts: If theres one thing that all Ken-
directly in the eye. I didnt come to Kenyon to learn to take the 1905 death of a pledge left tied to the
yon students can agree is a grade-A
Like previous incidents, nineteenth responsibilities for my actions. I came train tracks and the resulting cover-up.
day-ruiner, its when nineteenth presi-
President Sean Decatur is seated on the here to major in econ. When asked for comment, religious
dent of Kenyon College Sean Decatur is
roof of Cromwell Cottage. He does not It makes me scream, said Sarah studies professor Claudia Ratmother
on the roof of Cromwell Cottage. Well, I
appear to be responsive to external sti- Slippery 17. I see nineteenth president simply shook her head and muttered,
hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as
mulus. Sean Decatur up on the roof and I just there will be weeping and gnashing of
of 7:32 AM, Sean is on the roof.
While theres no clear consensus scream. I scream so loud, and God I dont teeth.
Were not sure how he keeps getting
about what nineteenth president Sean know why. God, cant anyone tell me why At this time, a crow has perched
up there, said director of Campus Safe-
Decaturs doing up on the roof, after se- it makes me scream? comfortably on nineteenth president
ty, Marsha Marblemarch. We got all the
ven incidents this year, one things clear: Since Decatur was spotted on the roof Sean Decaturs shoulder. God help us
ladders under watch now, and we put
Students are fed up. Look, my parents this morning, several incidents of violen- all. n
locks on the windows, but as much as I
dont pay sixty thousand dollars a year for ce have occurred. Seven students fought
hate to say it, Seans on the roof again.
President Sean Decatur to be up on the over the last cans of food at the market,
Marblemarch added that nineteenth pre-
roof, said Chad Braderson 19. When I and at least one new apt has caught fire.
THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017 5

Current events in the Village LOCAL

CAPLEXIT: The Case For Seceding from Kenyon
Billy Garage, caplexiteers argued a left- the imposition of long-term austerity tion according to elections was how the

C
by SALACIOUS B. CRUMB
wing, democratic and internationalist measures and mass immigration, from trustees vice president Jerky Flipper
APLES On Wednesday, Caples
case for Caplexit. The position was ex- the democratic process, the college has greeted the victory of the anti-Caples par-
Head CA, Meresa Tay, is to deli-
pressed crisply by Feral Gorge, the former broken the contract between the tower ty Philanderizia in Gund in 2015.
ver a letter to the president of the
longtime editor of the 9th Floor Review: dwellers and themselves. This has ope- Right now, the left at Kenyon is pla-
Student Council, Reggie Tusk, informing
The college is now widely seen for what ned the door to right-wing populists who ying by someone elses rule book in a ri-
him that after 44 years of membership,
it has become: an oligarchic structure, claim to represent the people, already gged game. One part of each building, the
her building is leaving the Kenyon cam-
riddled with corruption, built on a denial angry at construction and the Matherites. winners, have been using the globalized
pus. Approximately two years later, after
of any sort of popular sovereignty, enfor- It was the free-market economist Frie- campus as their extended playing field,
negotiating the terms of that departure,
cing a bitter economic regime of privilege drich Hayek, the intellectual architect of as Professor Stronk Johnson of the po-
the college will lose at a stroke an eighth
for the apartment dwellers and duress for neoliberalism, who called in 1939 for Ca- litical science department put it. One, if
of its population, a sixth of its G.D.P., half
the many. plesian freedom at Kenyon to prevent not the only, meaning of Caplexit is that,
its nuclear-arms cache and a seat on the
Although caplexiteers have little pa- apartment dwellers from using democra- having lost faith in glib promises of a
Ohio 7 Council, as Susan Slanders, the
tience for the national nihilism of De- cy to interfere with the operation of the Master Plan for all, the other part of the
editor of the Kenyon Collegian, noted re-
catur Man, the globalist elite, we are no free market. Simply put, as Claudia Jean campus the losers, the shutout and
cently.
Matherphobes. We voted Leave because Junky, the president of the Board of Trus- the disdained have decided, in despe-
Ms. Slanders is a Caplexiteer, as sup-
we believe it is essential to preserve the tees (the colleges executive body), did: ration, to make a sovereign gesture: to
porters of Caplexit like me are known.
two things we value most: a democratic There can be no democratic choice aga- change the rules by returning to buil-
We were hardly a significant force among
political system and our status as the lar- inst the North-South economic treaties of ding-state politics in order to have a go
the 52 percent of Caplesians (ca-peel-zee-
gest building in Knox County. We fear that 1923. at leveling things up. They are seeking
ans) who voted to leave in the referendum
Kenyons authoritarian project of neolibe- The colleges structures and treaties refuge, in Professor Stronks words, in
of June 23. But we were an influence. A
ral integration and new library construc- are designed accordingly. The Board of democratic protection, sick parties, lo-
counterweight to the anti-Mather fear
tion is a breeding ground for the far right. Trustees is proudly unaccountable to any cal autonomy, an elevator door we can
mongering of the former leader of the
By sealing off so much policy, including electorate. We dont change our posi- paint on and egalitarian traditions. n
right-wing Caples Independence Party,

POINT: Yikes! I Farted in COUNTERPOINT: Whoops! I

Yoga! Accidentally Kicked My Spin
Instructor in the Neck
by EMILY by LIZZY

I cant believe this just happened to me. I have a low-dairy, high It was regrettable, but I have a long instep and powerful calves
fiber diet. My bowels are clean and taut. I drink 10 SmartWaters and her head shouldntve been down there anyway.
a day. But when the instructor told us to really lean into down
dog (I can make my heels touch the ground in this post, by the
way), something erupted out of me. Nobody turned to look at
me, but I could tell that they all heard it. I just really cant be-
lieve that something so stressful could penetrate my yoga zone
of peace. Ive conditioned myself for years to fart silently. Its
something that I can normally control. Just not today.
I guess this isnt the end of the world, right? It happens. Its
even kind of an inside joke in yoga classes because it happens
so much. And Im sure people didnt notice that it was me. We
were all looking down at out mats. I think most of us had our
eyes closed anyway! Im probably not going to lose much sleep
over it. Im a person. People fart. Whatever!

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