Name Kristi Silva

CFS 157 FINAL EXAM

Sections #15703 Spring 2016

1. Name and describe the 3 biggest mistakes we make in our life and the 3 most
important positive actions we can make. How does understanding and choosing to
intentionally make the 3 greatest actions positively affect our relationships in life?
Give a specific example connected to the discussion board on this topic.

3 Biggest Mistakes
a. Doing something or saying something wrong to someone, and knowing it was wrong
b. Not wanting to realize that what you did or said was wrong, and not owning up to the
mistake.
c. Not wanting to change the behavior

3 Positive Actions

a. Realizing you made a mistake

b. Owning up to your mistake and admitting you were wrong
c. Deciding on how you can change what you did if the situation came up again

By understanding and choosing to take responsibility for the things you say and do, you
are showing others that they can trust you and that they can have faith in you. In any
personal relationship, there should be that sense of trust to keep the relationship strong. A
mistake is not the end of the world or a friendship unless you allow it to be. Michael
Jordan said that if you have never failed, than you have never lived, and I believe this to
be true. In his video, even though he had been cut from the basketball team, and told he
would never make it, he worked hard and didnt allow his failures to get the best of him.

2. The Quest for Intimacy through making wise choices in relationships was a theme
for this course. Explain how not making a choice IS making a choice and how it
impacts your life and relationships. Discuss the value of intentionally making
choices in your life versus making a decision by default. Name and describe what
you consider to be 5 of the most important life choices you will ever make keeping in
mind your entire life span from adolescence through adult.

When you intentionally make a choice in life you will most likely be satisfied in your
choice, or at least be able to take the blame for it. If you make a choice by default then
the satisfaction of not having a real part in making a choice is not met.
 5 Important Decision I made in my Lifespan
a. Finishing High School: I dropped out as a sophomore and went back as a junior and
finished with my class.
b. Having my first son despite what my ex-husband or parent said.
c. Divorcing my ex-husband.
d. Marrying my husband now
e. Going back to school and working towards my career goals
3. How will the families you have experienced in your early life impact the family you
lead in the future? Talk about the specific influences that come from your family of
origin and your future mates family of origin. What characteristics and behaviors
will you intentionally model from your early experiences and which ones will you
intentionally change so you can have the greatest opportunity for a healthy happy
family?

Growing up my family was very tightly bound to one another; there were many family
functions and togetherness. We went to church and had good family values. I remember
spending the night at my grandparents house every Saturday night and waking up early
Sunday morning to Christian music and pancakes and feeling this thankfulness about that
Sunday morning while going to church. I remember every Saturday I would wake up to
oldies playing on my dads stereo, and even though that meant it was time to clean the
house, there is something about having that time together with my parents. The
character/behavior I would like to model for my children is doing things as a family,
whether its cleaning the house on a Saturday morning or heading to the grocery store. I
think it is important for children to do things as a family so that they know what a real
family feels like.

4. Give some examples of how relationships between men and women have changed in
the past 30 years. How do these changes influence how you will function in your
present day relationships? How can roles be balanced between men and women in a
marriage and a family?

Men and women 30 years ago took on more of a traditional gender role when they were
in a relationship. When I say relationship I often mean marriage. Like my mom, women
stayed home and took care of the house and looked after her children. Women were
submissive to their husbands, and this made them good omen/wives. A man was
responsible for working and financially taking care of his family. If the economy wasnt
so bad, I think a lot more couples would still take on these roles in their relationships. I
would happily stay home and tend to the house and children, and I know my husband
would like that too. I would like to think that besides me having to work to help
financially support our family, we still carry on a traditional type of gender role. I think
roles can be balanced between men and women by sharing the finances, household chores
 and children equally but still tapping into the traditional role that is set for a man and a
woman.

5. What are gender roles? Discuss several ways that gender roles are displayed in at
least two other cultures. Compare them to some of the gender roles in the USA
Gender roles are the gender specified role that one is influenced by through his parents,
or other parental like figures. It is a learned behavior in which you have been exposed to
as a child. American Indian families, according to research, have nonexistent gender
roles; the man and the woman are equal in everything with the exception of off
reservation Navajo families. Navajo families that lived off of the reservation showed that
the mothers took on more responsibilities in the home than the father did. In a Latino
family the men are have been known to help the woman in the house, but in this culture
the man is the breadwinner and protector while the woman cares for the children and the
house. These two different cultures gender roles are not too much different than gender
roles in the United States. In the U.S. there is no particular gender role, there are many
different cultures who have passed on their own ideal roles to their children. One thing
that is made apparent in todays generation is equality. Women want men to do what
women have done for years and years, and many men are happy to do that but they in
return want women to do the mans work as well.

6. Describe some of the characteristics of the adolescent brain. How does this
developing brain influence the decisions and behaviors leading to relationships and
marriage? What are ways to positively impact an adolescent brain for healthy
relationships in the future?

An adolescents prefrontal cortex is not yet developed. This is the area where decisions
are made rationally; but without this area being fully developed impulsive behaviors are
seen. Adolescents will take risks with their life, their sexuality, and bodies; they make
rash decisions without thinking them all the way through. Their underdeveloped brains
can lead them to drugs, sex & teen pregnancy, marriage/divorce at a young age. It is
important to support your child through school, be there for them when they need you
while allowing them to be as open and honest with you as possible without any
judgements made. I think by being a positive role model and supportive parent is a good
start on positively impacting an adolescent brain.

7. Sexual orientation is an important personal decision with unique and challenging

consequences. What are the personal choices that are possible and some of the
consequences or costs to consider when identifying with a particular sexual
orientation? How did you come to your own personal decision about your sexual
orientation?
 Most people at a young age start to become attracted to people of the opposite sex, and
then there are some who are attracted to the same or both sexes or even none at all. It is
normal behavior to identify as a heterosexual, but there are many people who identify as
homosexual, bi-sexual, and transgender just to name a few. There are a lot of costs when
someone identifies as one of these orientations because to many people it isnt normal, so
they create a hate towards them. Those who identify with anything other than
heterosexual often will endure name calling, getting beat up, being looked and treated
differently and never really accepted. I never had an issue with making a personal
decision to become a heterosexual, it was something I was taught was right and
everything else was wrong. I never felt that physical attraction or closeness with a person
of the same sex. My sister has, and I know she made that decision at a very young age.

8. Deciding to cohabitate or get married can influence the long term outcome of a
relationship. Give three reasons for not cohabitating before marriage. Give three
reasons to cohabitate before marriage. Compare and contrast the major
considerations when deciding to cohabitate or get married or something else.

3 Reasons Not to Cohabitate

a. There is a greater chance that one of the partners will become controlling after
marriage if they have cohabitated.
b. It dilutes intergenerational ties, it is more unlikely that families as well as parents are
pushed out of the picture.
c. Cohabitating couples are less happy

3 Reasons to Cohabitate

a. You get to know your partner better and can split up without any legal issues if it
doesnt work out
b. Financially help each other out by pulling resources together
c. Getting married at an older age gives you more of a chance of staying in the
relationship.

Even though it seems like a good idea to cohabitate before or instead of marriage because
of being financially stable, and getting to know each other, I think the costs outweigh the
benefits. Having just the slightest chance that you will get married and end up having a
controlling abusive spouse or being at risk for an unhappy marriage is not something I
would want.

9. Sex plays a major and very important part of any intimate relationship. What are
some important things to consider before engaging in a sexual relationship? How
will it affect the future of the relationship? How do you make sure the emotional
brain and the rational thinking brain are both coordinated? What are the
consequences of not preparing in advance? When should a person begin to make
 these considerations? How much casual sex is appropriate in what relationships?
When does research show is the sexual relationship the most satisfying? Why is this?

A few things to consider before engaging in a sexual relationship is whether or not the
relationship will be more than just sex, and if either one of you are ready to make that
bond. Sex can either make or break the relationship; either you both will feel that
closeness and that bond and continue developing your relationship into a loving
commitment or one of you wont and the other gets hurt. I think the depending on the
persons age they would be able to pull themselves together, even in a hot and heavy
situation and think about what they are doing before committing to it and decide if this is
something they are ready for. If it is a teen having sex for the first time with her
boyfriend, than there is no way the rational will be coordinated with the emotional since
the front part of the brain isnt developed. Casual sex is not appropriate in any
relationship because there is always someone who feels more for the other person, than
the other person does for him/her. There is too much room for someone to get hurt with
casual sex. Sex is most satisfying when people are in good relationships; those who are
intimate, communicate, and support one another have the most satisfying sexual
relationship.

10. What are all the areas of intimacy in marriage that we studied? Why is it important
to have intimacy in all of these areas? What is the FOUNDATION of all intimacy?
What are the consequences when there is no intimacy in one or more of these areas?
What is financial infidelity? What are some ways you will intentionally insure that
intimacy in all areas occurs in your own long term committed relationships?

Trust and vulnerability are the two areas in which intimacy in a marriage is built on. It is
important to have intimacy in these two areas so that you can come together as one and
be on the same page. Trust is the foundation of all intimacy; and when there is no trust it
results in a broken marriage; either you will stay in it unhappy or you will divorce.
Financial infidelity is hiding or spending money without your spouse knowing, it is also
hiding the debt you are in prior to marriage. You cant control how others think or feel,
you can only control yourself; so, by committing to your relationship and staying open
and honest about everything you can keep the foundation of intimacy strong.

11. Around 95% of all Americans will marry at some time in their life at least once.
What are some of the individual motivations for marriage? What steps should be
taken to prepare in advance to have the healthiest marriage possible? Think about
yourself and your partner individually as well as you as a couple.

Financial stability and healthcare are a few motivations for marriage, as well as assuring
yourself that youre in a committed relationship with someone who loves and honors you
 the same way. To have a health marriage all cards have to be laid out on the table, some
prefer to do it with a pre-marital counselor, I believe you can do it without. Talking about
responsibilities and your likes and dislike, your goals for your life and marriage, things
like this will help maintain a healthy marriage.

12. What preparation will help you become the best parent you can be? Where do ideas
and behaviors as parents originate? What are the 5 most important things you
would tell your best friend who is becoming a parent for the first time? Include
some ways you would instill and develop responsibility, self-regulation, emotional
intelligence, competence and confidence in your children? What do you want your
children to say at your memorial service about you as a parent?

There is no specific preparations you can make to become the best parent, all you really
have are your childhood memories and what kind of influence you had from your parents.
I would tell my best friend to use her instinct because not every child is the same, to
practice patience and not just with the child but with her spouse, be strong in discipline
and never give way because you feel bad, and to always show your love and support no
matter what. I would also tell her to let the child be a child and to allow child-like
mistakes, only interfere when it will endanger them, because you want them to
experience the world and want them to know what consequences are. I want my children
to say that I was a loving and supportive mom who was strong and fearless when it came
to their safety and best interest.

13. Describe some intentional positive behaviors you would exhibit if you had to go
through a divorce in the healthiest way possible. How would you intentionally
protect, support, and encourage your children and yourself? What are the two
MOST important things to make sure the children know? Share some things that
you have learned about the effects of divorce on children of all ages.

I have been through a divorce and as much as I tried I didnt use many positive behaviors.
I looked for the bad in my ex-husband and pointed everything I could find out, and
maybe not to my kids but they would hear about it from him. If I had to go through a
divorce again, I would use a lot more self-control and provide the counseling they would
need to help them and myself cope through the process. I would most importantly make
sure my kids know that the divorce was not their fault and that both of their parents love
them no matter what happens between us. During my interview with some now adult
children of divorce, I learned that none of their parents help them cope through their
anger and loneliness. Parents focused more on themselves then their children and their
needs. Most were made to choose or take sides and this is not okay to do to a child.
14. Name 10 important issues to know and discuss with a future spouse. What issues or
red flags would be serious enough to call off a relationship or engagement?

10 Important Issue to Discuss

a. Family life
b. Communication
c. Raising Children
d. Discipline
e. Responsibilities (Home, Financial)
f. Likes and Dislikes about little things/quirks
g. Respect
h. Having eachothers backs
i. Sex
j. Friends & Boundaries

Red Flags

a. Infidelity to the slightest (flirting, kissing, sex)

b. Disrespect of any kind towards me or his family
c. Abusive behaviors to me or family (controlling, name calling, hitting)
d. Pathological liar (constantly being caught in a lie)

15. Why is it so important to know about domestic violence? What are the signs of
domestic violence? What resources and steps can you take to prevent or protect
yourself and others from domestic violence?

Knowing the signs of domestic violence can save your life or someone elses life. Some
signs of domestic violence include and are not limited to controlling behavior, hitting or
being hit, and being pulled away from family and friends/seclusion. Getting away at the
first sign is the safest way to prevent domestic violence. If its already too late than
talking about it is the next best way, telling anyone who will listen, and going to the
police.

16. What are the 10 most important personal characteristics to consider in choosing the
right mate?

When looking for the right mate I look for someone who I am physically attracted to,
someone who is respectful and genuine, self-confidence and good self-esteem, a person
who likes to talk and who I feel a connection with, a person who gives me their undivided
attention and builds a friendship with me, and lastly someone who is on my level with
their life goals.
17. Stress negatively impacts our lives and our relationships. List four of the major
stressors in your own life and some healthy strategies you are embracing or want to
embrace to handle the stress. What are the negative consequences of ignoring stress
in our lives. for ourselves, for our mate, for our families?

Major Stressors Healthy Strategies

a. Time Take 10 minutes to reflect and clear my mind
b. Work Take a walk outside
c. School Take 15 minute breaks
d. Health Exercise and Eat Healthy

When I ignore my stresses and I dont take the time out I need, I get angry and upset and
usually take it out on my husband or my kids by yelling or becoming impatient. This
negativity pushes them away from me.

18. How do our relationships change as we age? (Think physical, emotional,

recreational, interests, health, financial) Describe some of the positive and negative
ways that growing older effects relationships and families in our culture.

As we age our relationships get stronger with our spouse, children, parents and siblings.
The only negative affect age can have on a relationship or with your family is if there is a
health condition in which you need to be cared for. I plan on embracing age now that I
am in my thirties, whereas when I was in my twenties I was deathly afraid of growing
older. I look forward to growing old with my husband.

19. List and describe 5 things you learned from interviewing a couple who had been
happily married for more than 20 years that you want to remember and
intentionally put into practice in your own marriage?

5 Important Things to Remember and Embrace

a. Communicate about everything that affects you, your spouse, or your family
b. Never stay mad at each other
c. Have faith in one another
d. Life is not always easy or greener on the other side
e. Always love each other unconditionally no matter the curcumstances.

20. Communication occurs in all relationships. Describe some of the characteristics of

healthy productive communication. What areas of communication do you want to
intentionally develop in your own life? How will you go make sure to improve your
communication skills? Explain the importance of Dr. Gottmans BIDS for
Connection in your own relationships? How do body language, tone of voice, eye
contact and forgiveness play into communication?
 Some characteristics that describe healthy communications are eye contact, normal
speaking voice, and body language. I think I could develop a better body language and
better eye contact when it comes to communication. I can improve these skills by
practicing them every time I speak with a person, not just my spouse. A connection with
BIDS is important in my own relationship because it lets me know my husband cares, and
vice versa. Body language, eye contact, tone of voice and forgiveness all play a part in
communication because it helps the other person get a feel for the discussion. If you
have a negative look or tone to your voice the other persons defense is automatically
going to be raised.

*****BONUS- 10 Extra BONUS points*****

Explain ONE of the most important things you have learned about how you learn that you
will take with you to help you in future learning experiences.

I have learned that I need to continue to work on my time management. I did a lot better than I
had expected in this course and I hope to continue to keep my motivation with time management
throughout the rest of my classes.