(Current Draft)

When looking back, few things have caused me to have a major change in perspective.

Growing up, moving to new cities, and living independently all can qualify. But one event stands

out in my memory. The passing of a friend; Zafer. When Zafer passed away, it turned my world

upside down. But watching the amazing response his family took, the generosity and support

from the community, and the void he left made me realize what an incredible person he was.

Waking up everything felt the same in the world. I brushed my teeth. Threw on clothes.

Mentally prepared myself for one of my last few weeks of high school. First period was a bore,

but luckily the teacher gave us a free period to study for the upcoming exams. Going to my next

class, I would usually see my friend Arlo in the hallway. Arlo was also Zafers brother, who was

in my grade. This day everything seemed normal, but I noticed by Arlo wasnt around. No

matter. We only had 2 months left of senior year, and plenty of days to skip. I imagined he was

still asleep, and knowing him probably until late in the afternoon. The innocuous day drew on,

until one phone call changed everything. This phone call was the news that my friend was found

dead in his apartment that morning. Disbelief was the first thing to race through my mind.

Thinking it couldnt be true, it was just a sick rumor going around. Slowly, I looked around and

saw pure sorrow on the faces around me. Then the realization, that you will never see that person

again. What Zafer helped me realize is that life is precious and short. Nothing should be taken for

granted.

When I moved to a new school district, over time I lost contact with many of my

childhood friends. Ive come to realize how much effort relationships take, and the lasting

rewards they bring. Sometimes its difficult to appreciate what we have. One day its there,

another gone. Looking back at my life there are many things I was grateful for, but did not
realize at the time. Zafers passing changed that aspect of my life. Appreciating connections with

friends and family is all that is important in the long run. Creating meaningful memories with

these people give everlasting happiness, while nearly everything else we experience is

temporary. Without all my family and friends supporting each other, I could only imagine how

difficult finding closure could be. Instead of drifting apart, the people Zafer left behind grew

even stronger.

Making meaningful connections with family and friends has become one of the most

important aspects of my life that Zafer has changed. He was one of the first people I met when I

moved to my new high school sophomore year. At first, the transition was difficult. I was in a

new environment and barely knew anyone at my new school. After joining a club, I became

friends with Zafer, who was a senior at the time. He introduced me to his brother, Arlo, and his

neighbor Greyson, who were both in my grade. When Zafer left for college, Arlo and Greyson

became one of my best friends. From that first meeting in a club, Ive made countless friends and

had some of the best experiences in my life so far. Ive come to realize the incredible value of

friends during the hard times as well. These friends were crucial during the grieving process.

Having someone who knows how youre feeling is rare, but its true value comes when they

know how to make you feel better. Its a long process. But over time, it makes all the difference.

At any moment, lifes grand journey can end. With that in mind Ive strived to make the

most out of the opportunities presented to me. I do this by trying new activities I might not acted

on before. Keeping an open mind when meeting new people, while exploring new areas has been

one of new rewarding habits Ive developed. Arriving at Charlotte, I have made meaningful

connections with new people. From taking spontaneous trips to new places, and trying to make

the most out of every day. To do this, I needed to leave my comfort zone. Enrolling and attending
college has been one of the most difficult tasks to accomplish, both academically and financially.

Although it has not been an easy road, pursing a college education has given me a new outlook

on life. After experiencing just some of what Charlotte has to offer, I now have goals and

aspirations to study abroad in Germany.

Ive changed because of Zafer. Call it a shock to reality, but he brought clarity to some

many aspects of life. My perspective and outlook on life has become vastly different. Ive begun

to appreciate the gift of life, and taking nothing for granted. Realizing the effect, we have on our

own destinies, Ive started to push myself to goals I did not think were accomplishable. Over the

times where everything looks black, I now understand the importance of family and friends. The

time we have here is unknown, so we may as well make the best out of every second. And along

the ride its important to remember all the people youve impacted, and every stone youve

turned over. All of this is thanks to Zafer.

(First Draft)

When looking back, few things have changed me as much as the death of a

friend. Waking up everything felt the same in the world. The day drew on, until one

phone call changed everything. Disbelief was the first thing to race through my

mind. Then the realization, that you will never see that person again. What Zafer

helped me realize is that life is precious and short, nothing should be taken for

granted, and the power of friends and family.

At any moment, lifes grand journey can end. With that in mind Ive strived to

make the most out of the opportunities presented to me. Arriving at Charlotte, I

have made meaningful connections with new people. From taking spontaneous trips
to new places, and trying to make the most out of every day. To do this, I needed to

leave my comfort zone. Enrolling and attending college has been one of the most

difficult tasks to accomplish, both academically and finically. Although it has not

been an easy road, pursing a college education has given me a new outlook on life.

After experiencing what some of what Charlotte has to offer, I now have goals and

aspirations to study abroad in Germany.

Sometimes its difficult to appreciate what we have. One day its there,

another gone. Looking back at my life there are many things I was grateful for, but

did not realize at the time. Zafers passing changed that aspect of my life. Without

all my family and friends supporting each other, I could only imagine how difficult

moving on could be. Instead of drifting apart, what Zafer left behind grew even

stronger.

Making meaningful connections with family and friends has become one of

the most important aspects of my life that Zafer has changed. He was one of the

first people I met when I moved to my new high school sophomore year. At first, the

transition was difficult. I was in a new environment and barely knew anyone at my

new school. After joining a club, I became friends with Zafer, who was a senior at

the time. He introduced me to his brother, Arlo, who was in my grade. When Zafer

left for college, Arlo became one of my best friends. From that first meeting in a

club, Ive made countless friends and had some of the best experiences so far in

life. These friends were crucial during the grieving process. During this time, my

friends and I became closer than I could have thought.

Ive changed in the past year. When looking back at the person I was, not

much is different. However, my perspective and outlook on life has become vastly
different. Ive begun to appreciate the gift of life, and taking nothing for granted.

Ive started to push myself to goals I did not think were accomplishable. Ive

realized how important family and friend are to happiness. And all of this is thanks

to Zafer.

(Second Draft and Feedback from Peers)

When looking back, few things have caused me to have a major change in perspective.

Growing up, moving to new cities, living independently all can qualify. But one event stands out

in my memory. The passing of a friend; Zafer. When Zafer passed away, it turned my world

upside down. But watching the amazing response his family took, the generosity and support

from the community, and the void he left made me realize what an incredible person he was.

Waking up everything felt the same in the world. Brushed my teeth. Prepared for one of

my last few weeks of high school. First period was a bore, but luckily the teacher gave us a free

period to study for the upcoming exams. Going to my next class, I would usually see my friend

Arlo in the hallway. This day, everything seemed normal, but I noticed by friend Arlo wasnt

around. No matter. We only had 2 months left of senior year, and plenty of days to skip. I

imagined he was still asleep, probably until late in the afternoon. The day drew on, until one

phone call changed everything. Disbelief was the first thing to race through my mind. Then the

realization, that you will never see that person again. What Zafer helped me realize is that life is

precious and short. Nothing should be taken for granted. And what friends and family can

accomplish together.
 At any moment, lifes grand journey can end. With that in mind Ive strived to make the

most out of the opportunities presented to me. I do this by trying new activities I might not acted

on before. Keeping an open mind when meeting new people, while exploring new areas has been

one of new rewarding habits Ive developed.

Arriving at Charlotte, I have made meaningful connections with new people. From

taking spontaneous trips to new places, and trying to make the most out of every day. To do this,

I needed to leave my comfort zone. Enrolling and attending college has been one of the most

difficult tasks to accomplish, both academically and finically. Although it has not been an easy

road, pursing a college education has given me a new outlook on life. After experiencing just

some of what Charlotte has to offer, I now have goals and aspirations to study abroad in

Germany.

When I moved to a new school district, over time I lost contact with many of my

childhood friends. Ive come to realize how much effort relationships take, and the lasting

rewards they bring. Sometimes its difficult to appreciate what we have. One day its there,

another gone. Looking back at my life there are many things I was grateful for, but did not

realize at the time. Zafers passing changed that aspect of my life. Appreciating connections with

friends and family is all that is important in the long run. Creating meaningful memories with

these people give everlasting happiness while nearly everything else we experience is temporary.

Without all my family and friends supporting each other, I could only imagine how difficult

finding closure could be. Instead of drifting apart, what Zafer left behind grew even stronger.

Making meaningful connections with family and friends has become one of the most

important aspects of my life that Zafer has changed. He was one of the first people I met when I

moved to my new high school sophomore year. At first, the transition was difficult. I was in a
new environment and barely knew anyone at my new school. After joining a club, I became

friends with Zafer, who was a senior at the time. He introduced me to his brother, Arlo, who was

in my grade. When Zafer left for college, Arlo became one of my best friends. From then, Arlo,

Greyson, and I began to tackle our challenges together. From that first meeting in a club, Ive

made countless friends and had some of the best experiences so far in life. Ive come to realize

the value of friends during the low periods as well. These friends were crucial during the

grieving process. Having someone who knows how youre feeling is rare, but its true value

comes when they know how to make you feel better. Its a process, a collection of small habits.

But over time, it makes a difference.

Ive changed because of Zafer. Call it a shock to reality, but he brought clarity to some

many aspects of life. My perspective and outlook on life has become vastly different. Ive begun

to appreciate the gift of life, and taking nothing for granted. Realizing the effect, we have on our

own destinies, Ive started to push myself to goals I did not think were accomplishable. Over the

times where everything looks black, I now understand the importance of family and friends. The

time we have here is unknown, so we may as well make the best out of every second. Along the

ride, its important to remember all of the people youve impacted, every stone youve turned

over. And all of this is thanks to Zafer.

1. Concerns about the content and structure

2. Any issues with wording
3. Are the topics as fully developed as they could be? Do you think I should add
any aspect?

When looking back, few things have caused me to have a major change in perspective.

Growing up, moving to new cities, living independently all can qualify. But one event stands out
in my memory. The passing of a friend; Zafer. When Zafer passed away, it turned my world

upside down. But watching the amazing response his family took, the generosity and support

from the community, and the void he left made me realize what an incredible person he was.

Waking up everything felt the same in the world. Brushed my teeth. Prepared for one of

my last few weeks of high school. First period was a bore, but luckily the teacher gave us a free

period to study for the upcoming exams. Going to my next class, I would usually see my friend

Arlo in the hallway. This day, everything seemed normal, but I noticed by friend Arlo wasnt

around. No matter. We only had 2 months left of senior year, and plenty of days to skip. I

imagined he was still asleep, probably until late in the afternoon. The day drew on, until one

phone call changed everything. Disbelief was the first thing to race through my mind. Then the

realization, that you will never see that person again. What Zafer helped me realize is that life is

precious and short. Nothing should be taken for granted. And what friends and family can

accomplish together.

At any moment, lifes grand journey can end. With that in mind Ive strived to make the

most out of the opportunities presented to me. I do this by trying new activities I might not acted

on before. Keeping an open mind when meeting new people, while exploring new areas has been

one of new rewarding habits Ive developed.

Arriving at Charlotte, I have made meaningful connections with new people. From

taking spontaneous trips to new places, and trying to make the most out of every day. To do this,

I needed to leave my comfort zone. Enrolling and attending college has been one of the most

difficult tasks to accomplish, both academically and finically. Although it has not been an easy

road, pursing a college education has given me a new outlook on life. After experiencing just
some of what Charlotte has to offer, I now have goals and aspirations to study abroad in

Germany.

When I moved to a new school district, over time I lost contact with many of my

childhood friends. Ive come to realize how much effort relationships take, and the lasting

rewards they bring. Sometimes its difficult to appreciate what we have. One day its there,

another gone. Looking back at my life there are many things I was grateful for, but did not

realize at the time. Zafers passing changed that aspect of my life. Appreciating connections with

friends and family is all that is important in the long run. Creating meaningful memories with

these people give everlasting happiness while nearly everything else we experience is temporary.

Without all my family and friends supporting each other, I could only imagine how difficult

finding closure could be. Instead of drifting apart, what Zafer left behind grew even stronger.

Making meaningful connections with family and friends has become one of the most

important aspects of my life that Zafer has changed. He was one of the first people I met when I

moved to my new high school sophomore year. At first, the transition was difficult. I was in a

new environment and barely knew anyone at my new school. After joining a club, I became

friends with Zafer, who was a senior at the time. He introduced me to his brother, Arlo, who was

in my grade. When Zafer left for college, Arlo became one of my best friends. From then, Arlo,

Greyson, and I began to tackle our challenges together. From that first meeting in a club, Ive

made countless friends and had some of the best experiences so far in life. Ive come to realize

the value of friends during the low periods as well. These friends were crucial during the

grieving process. Having someone who knows how youre feeling is rare, but its true value

comes when they know how to make you feel better. Its a process, a collection of small habits.

But over time, it makes a difference.

 Ive changed because of Zafer. Call it a shock to reality, but he brought clarity to some

many aspects of life. My perspective and outlook on life has become vastly different. Ive begun

to appreciate the gift of life, and taking nothing for granted. Realizing the effect, we have on our

own destinies, Ive started to push myself to goals I did not think were accomplishable. Over the

times where everything looks black, I now understand the importance of family and friends. The

time we have here is unknown, so we may as well make the best out of every second. Along the

ride, its important to remember all of the people youve impacted, every stone youve turned

over. And all of this is thanks to Zafer.

1. Concerns about the content and structure

I feel like the fourth paragraph seems out of place and maybe would fit
better later in the essay.
2. Any issues with wording
Im not sure if you meant financially in one of the paragraphs I left a
comment where it is but other than that I enjoyed your word choices.
3. Are the topics as fully developed as they could be? Do you think I should add
any aspect?
I feel like the topics and outcomes you touched upon were what I thought
were coming from how you set up your experience and I wasnt left
expecting more. I personally dont think that more should be added but that
is up to whether you think you have told your story correctly.

(Reflective Paragraphs)
Graceson and Justin gave good feedback based on the question I asked about
my essay. They mentioned the areas where they had difficulty understanding the
content of the essay. Some of these included irrelevant details to the story, or not
giving enough contextual significance to a person involved. Revising my essay with
these comments in mind resulted into what I think now is a more complete product.
Adding details about Arlo in the right paragraph now makes a lot more sense that
my rough draft. I tried to incorporate all the feedback given to me, because in
hindsight, those areas needed revision. Compared to my rough draft, this essay is
now a more polished product.
For the feedback, I tried to focus on giving both some criterion-based and
reader-based feedback. Most of the questions that Justin and Graceson asked were
criterion-based about the effectiveness of their language or structure. Responding
to this, I pointed out any areas that either resonated with me, or confused me. For
example, Graceson used very effective language in her second paragraph that I
wanted to highlight. In Justins essay, I noticed that a few of his sentences went on
for a long time. Breaking those up could help with the flow of the paper. I tried to
highlight the areas of the essays I enjoyed as well. Drawing attention to these parts
could help the author see what is effective in their own writing style.

Questions for you

1. Are there any areas that confused you? Gave too much or too little context?
2. Do you notice any mistakes in grammar, especially any abuse of the comma?
3. Is the message of the essay clear?