Positive Discipline Tools

Handbook

University of Tennessee College of Social Work

Office of Research and Public Service
Tennessee Department of Childrens Services 1
 Positive Discipline Tools

Every child is an individual and reacts to discipline differently.

There are many ways to handle problem behaviors, so as resource
parents, you need to know many discipline tools and know how to
choose the appropriate tool for your child. This handbook contains
a list of some discipline tools. Some of these tools deal with the way
you organize your family (such as family meetings and routines);
some deal with creating a positive atmosphere within your home
(such as active listening, spending one-on-one time with each
child, and training); and some deal with things you do in reaction
to problem behaviors (such as time out, contracts, and disapproval).

Discipline is one of the most complicated aspects of being a parent.

The list of tools that follows provides some good discipline ideas
from which resource parents can choose. But it is just a partial list.
All of us need to keep learning about discipline and keep adding
tools to our discipline skills. At the end of this list is the excellent
article from PATH called Disciplining Children: Suggestions for
Resource Parents. Re-read this article from time to time. It will
help you remember important issues related to the behavior of
children in the child welfare system.

There are many helpful books about discipline. Two that we recom-
mend are Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday
Parenting Problems by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen
Glenn, Prima Publishing, PO Box 1260BK, Rocklin, CA 95677,
(916) 632-4400 and SOS! Help for Parents by Lynn Clark, Parents
Press, PO Box 2180, Bowling Green, KY 42102-2180.
Material in this handbook was adapted from the following sources:
Clark, L. (1996). SOS! Help for Parents. 1996 by Lynn Clark. Material is from SOS!
Help for Parents and used by permission; Nelsen, J., Lott, L., & Glenn, H.S. (1999).
Positive Discipline A-Z: From Toddler to Teens by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott and Stephen
Glenn, copyright 1999 by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott and Stephen Glenn. Used by
permission of Prima Publishing, a division of Random House, Inc.; Phelan, T.W. (1995).
1-2-3 Magic, 2d ed. 1995 by Child Management, Inc. Used by permission.
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Guidelines for Discipline Tools

ACTIVE IGNORING
Briefly remove all attention from your misbehaving child. Active
ignoring is being sure that you dont accidentally reward bad behav-
Any good workman will tell you, Measure twice, cut once. This ior with attention. For example, if you scold or pay attention to
means that you need to pay close attention to guides if you want to your preschool child while she is having a tantrum, you might
end up with something that works the way you want it to. unintentionally reward that behavior. If your child is in a safe place,
walk out of the room and wait until the tantrum stops before
When you are deciding which discipline tool to use, you also need returning. Or, you might turn your back and pretend to be absorbed
to follow guidelines to be sure that the discipline tool you have in something else. When the bad behavior stops, give your child
chosen is appropriate. Below are three guidelines to help you decide lots of attention. Use active ignoring with behaviors like whining
if you have chosen an appropriate tool. If the tool does not meet and fussing, pouting and sulking, loud crying intended to punish
these guidelines, it is not appropriate. parents, continuous begging and demanding, breath holding and
mild tantrums.

ACTIVE LISTENING
Discipline should tell children they are worthy, even when their This is a way of talking to someone that is very respectful of
behavior is not appropriate. thoughts and feelings. The listener doesnt just sit inattentively but
Discipline should give consistent, fair, kind limits so children can instead attempts to see the world through the other persons eyes.
feel secure. Active listening tries to accomplish two things: 1) to understand
Discipline should help children feel closer to parents, not be what another person is saying and thinkingfrom his point of
afraid of them. view, and 2) to communicate back and check your understanding
with the person doing the talking. Children have the right to have
ACT, DONT TALK feelings. Talking about feelings rather than acting on them is often
Try acting instead of talking. Listen to yourself for one day. You enough.
might be amazed at how many useless words you say. Children can
tune out parents because parents talk too much. If you act more and Example:
talk less, your children will notice the difference. If children are THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS!
fighting over a toy, quietly remove it and put it where they cant Whos that, Jim?
reach it. You dont need to say a word for them to get the idea that The kids across the streetthey wont let me go in their yard.
they can have the toy back when they stop fighting over it. You Why not?
have to get their attention before children can hear what you have I dont know. Theyre just morons.
to say. Notice how much quicker you get results if you stand up or Boy, you sound really upset.
move toward your children while you are talking, instead of sitting Yeah, Im not playing with those creeps.
in an armchair yelling instructions. That sounds like a good idea.

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B EHAVIOR P ENALTY C HARTING
If you cant think of a logical consequence for a particular problem Charting involves using something like a calendar, which you can
behavior, then consider using a behavior penalty. With this put on the refrigerator door or on the childs bedroom door. Put the
method, your child receives some penalty following some specific days of the week across the top and down the side list the different
behavior. The penalty consists of a loss of certain privileges, a fine, tasks the child will be working on, such as cleaning his room,
or an extra chore. The penalty is not logically related to the getting to bed, and feeding the dog. If the child completes the tasks
problem behavior. to your satisfaction, you should indicate this on the chart with
stickers for the little kids (ages 3-8) and grades or numbers (A-F, 5-
Behavior Penalty 1) for the older children.
Tattling on other children Having to immediately write
3 times, Kids dont like it Heres what a chart might look like for a child who is working on
when I tattle. cleaning her room, brushing her teeth, and feeding the dog.

Swearing A 25-cent fine for each swear Sun Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat
word.
Room
Lying to parents No TV for one day.
Teeth
Persistent teasing of little brother Stereo and CDs are put up
for one day. Dog

Failure to clean up ones bedroom No playing outdoors that

by 5 p.m. evening.
Stealing Make restitution.
CHANGE DIRECTION
Many children are strong willed and are determined to continue
their behavior. Approaching these children directly about their
misbehavior may not work. The change direction method involves
giving them an alternative that allows them to succeed through
positive and productive behavior. Example: You seem to have so
much energy. Would you be responsible for cleaning the leaves and
branches from the yard?
Be sure the child knows what you mean by a clean room. (Does it
mean everything in its place, floor vacuumed every day, and room
dusted every day; or does it mean the room should be straightened
every day, vacuumed, and dusted once per week?) Reinforcement
with charting comes from praise of both parents and the satisfaction
of doing a good job. These often work well to stimulate a child to
do the job, but not always.
If praise and satisfaction dont stimulate the child, you must go with
reinforcers. The best reinforcers are relatively small things that can
be dished out frequently and in small pieces. Reinforcers do not
always have to be material. Some kids will work hard to earn

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minutes to stay up later at night or to be able to do some special especially useful to families with adolescents. Follow these four steps
activity with their parents. in writing and using a contract:

Keep the charts simple. Three or four things to work on at one time 1. Identify a problem.
are enough; more get confusing. Also, build in time limits. You are 2. Negotiate a solution with your child.
not going to do charting forever, and too often its effects can fade 3. Write down the agreement.
because Mom and Dad simply get tired of doing it. You might say, 4. Sign the contract, post it where everyone can find it, and follow
for example, that if the child gets good scores (define them pre- through with your responsibilities.
cisely) for two weeks running, then that item will be taken off the
chart. When the child has earned her way off the chart entirely, its Sample contract:
time to go out for pizza to celebrate. If the child regresses, you can I, Paul, agree to:
reinstate the chart. 1) Clean my gerbils cage each Saturday.
2) Vacuum around the cage each Saturday.
CHOICES
Whenever possible, give children a choice between at least two We, Mother and Father, agree to allow Paul to keep the gerbil in his
acceptable options. The key words are appropriate and acceptable. bedroom. If cage and surrounding area arent cleaned each Saturday,
There are many times when a choice is not appropriate, especially then gerbil goes back to the garage.
for younger children. It is not appropriate to let them choose
whether or not they go to school, hurt someone else, or become Date contract begins: September 13
involved in a dangerous situation such as climbing on the roof. Date contract ends: Contract continues as long as gerbil is in Pauls
Acceptable means that you are willing to accept either option the room.
child chooses, such as You may save your money or do without; Date contract signed: September 13
You can go to bed at 8:15 or 8:30; Put your dirty clothes in the Agreed to by:
hamper or wear them dirty. If you are not willing to let your child ________________(Paul)
do without money or wear dirty clothes, dont offer those choices. ________________(Mother)
Young children need limited choices. As children get older, the ________________(Father)
choices need to be much broader or you invite power struggles. For
instance, with a teen you may ask, Would you like me to set a COOLING-OFF PERIODS
curfew for you or would you like to be involved in that decision? Proper timing will greatly improve your effectiveness. Dealing with
a problem at the time of conflict does not workemotions get in
the way. Teach children about cooling-off periods. You or the
CONTRACTS children can go to a separate room to cool off, so you can act, not
These are written agreements between you and your child. Con-
tracts are used with children as young as seven or eight and are

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react. Then work on the problem after everyone is cooled off.
Timeouts are cooling-off periods.
DISAPPROVAL
This is not lecturing, which can be loud and unending, but is briefly
and calmly letting the child know what parents disapprove of. An
effective time to use disapproval is just when your childs misbehav-
ior is getting started. Example: I really dont like the teasing thats
going on between the two of you. You often get into an argument. I
dont want to hear any more teasing this evening! For many
children, disapproval is enough. However, if your child usually
reacts with anger, argues with you, or seems to enjoy getting the
extra attention from you, this method is not effective with him.
ENCOURAGE ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIORS
This method involves encouraging behavior that is incompatible
with the unwanted behavior. Example: Maria frequently mistreats
the familys collie by teasing and hitting her instead of petting her.
Mom keeps an eye on Maria when she is with the dog and comes
outside to praise her when Maria treats the dog with kindness.
FAMILY MEETINGS
If you have to choose only one parenting tool, this would be a good
one to choose. The fact that many problems can be solved through
family meetings is only a fringe benefit. The main benefits of family
meetings are all the life skills children learn by participating in
family meetings: problem-solving skills, communication skills,
cooperation, mutual respect, creativity, brainstorming skills, respon-
sibility, expression of feelings, and how to have fun as a family.
Children experience the value of using mistakes as wonderful
opportunities to learn. And the icing on the cake is family close-
ness. There are many ways to conduct family meetings. Heres one:
1. Set a regularly scheduled meeting time, once a week, that
everyone can count on.
2. Post an agenda where everyone can see and write on it.
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3. Start with compliments and appreciation (I appreciate Jenny;
shes so nice to the cat.) so everyone gets an opportunity to give
and receive validation.
4. Rotate the chairperson and recorder. The chairperson calls the
meeting to order, reads the item to be discussed, calls on
people who want to speak, and generally keeps the meeting on
track. The recorder writes down suggestions and circles the one
agreed upon.
5. When solutions are brainstormed, take a vote on all the sugges-
tions. Everyone in the family must agree before a suggestion is
implemented. Sometimes a subject needs to be discussed for
several weeks or months (allowing for cooling off and informa-
tion gathering in between) before a family can achieve an
agreement.
6. It is important to note that discussion or just hearing peoples
feelings is often enough to inspire people to make changes. At
other times the needs of the situation require brainstorming for
solutions or logical consequences.
7. Go over the family calendar to coordinate schedules, plan for
rides, and ensure attendance at important events. Be sure to
plan a family fun time and put it on the calendar.
8. Some families like to end with a game or dessert. Family meet-
ings should be fun as well as productive.
It often takes some time for family meetings to be successfulthey
are never perfect. Some families give up on family meetings because
they think solutions should last forever. That is unrealistic. Choose
an idea and try it for a week. If it doesnt work, put the problem
back on the agenda and try again, and again, and again. Remember
the long-range benefits are more important than short-term frustra-
tions and failures. Failures are simply an important part of the
growth and learning process.
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GET KIDS INVOLVED IN SOLUTIONS
When we value their contributions, kids experience belonging and
significance. When they feel belonging and significance, kids feel
less need to misbehave and are more willing to learn from their
mistakes and work on solutions to problems. Example:
Dad: What problems do you think we might have if you continue
to play ball in the living room?
Kids: We might break things. You might get mad at us. We might
get the dog too excited.
Dad: What suggestions do you have for solving these problems?
Kids: Well, we could play ball outside unless were playing with a
Nerf ball. (Even then they thought it would be a good idea to
stay out of the living room.)
HOUSE RULES
When a child enters your home, there are so many things to learn,
and a simple, short list of rules that are prominently displayed
(usually on the refrigerator) relieves anxieties about expectations. It
also helps children know that everyone is treated alike and is
respected, and there is less reason to act out. Rules in each home
differ, depending on many things such as the size of the house, the
number of people in the family and their ages, particular tolerances
of family members, etc. Good things to include are rules about TV
watching, use of the phone, doing homework, where children are
allowed to go without asking permission, eating snacks and meals,
hygiene, and chores. Privacy is a big issue, and these rules may
include such things as only one person in the bathroom at one
time; knock and get permission before entering another persons
room; parents bedroom is off-limits; no one opens other peoples
mail or goes in purses or wallets; and everyone must be completely
dressed or wear a robe when outside their room.

Dad: What do you think would be a consequence if you guys dont I NOTICE...
keep your agreement about playing outside with the ball? Dont ask set-up questions. A set-up question is one to which you
already know the answer and still ask for the purpose of trapping
Kids: It would be OK to send us outside to finish playing. Or we your child such as Did you brush your teeth? Instead of asking set-
could put the ball away until the next day. up questions, use I notice. I notice you didnt brush your teeth. Lets
do that now. If your child says, Yes, I did, you can say, My
GRANDMAS RULE mistake, or Great, Id like to see it.
In this method, first the child does what you want her to do, then
she can do what she wants to do. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Logical consequences are ones that require the intervention of an
After you: then you get to: adult because the behavior
1. Complete your homework Watch television
2. Wash the supper dishes Go out to play causes potential danger (child is playing in the street)
3. Straighten your room Play video games or causes problems for others (child throws rocks at another per
4. Eat your vegetables Eat dessert son)
or doesnt seem like a problem to the child (child doesnt bathe,
refuses to do homework, steals).
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Here are some examples of logical consequences: Behavior Natural Consequence

Behavior Logical Consequence Handling cat roughly Getting scratched

Riding tricycle into the street Tricycle is put up for one
week
Refusal to brush teeth regularly No more sweets until regular
toothbrushing is begun
Brother and sister fuss all morning Family outing to the park is
cancelled
Stealing Make restitution
MISTAKES
Most people think mistakes are bad; most people believe that you
shouldnt make mistakes, you are a failure if you make mistakes, and
if you make a mistake, you shouldnt let people find out. These are
crazy notions because they damage self-esteem and invite depression
and discouragement. It is difficult to learn and grow when you feel
discouraged. Tell your children that every person in the world makes
mistakes as long as he or she lives. Teach kids to see that making a
mistake is an opportunity to get help from others. This will encour-
age them to take responsibility for what they have done, even if it
was a mistake, because they know it doesnt mean they are bad or
will get in trouble. Children are, however, accountable, which is
necessary to understand when using mistakes as opportunities to
learn. Sometimes mistakes require that you make amends where
possible and at least apologize when amends are not possible. Even
parents make mistakes, so when you make one, be a role model for
your children.
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
These happen naturally following the behavior. They happen
without adult intervention.
Not wearing coat on cold day Being cold
Getting ready for school very slowly Being late for school,
in the morning explaining to the teacher
why you are late
Breaking a toy on purpose Having a broken toy
which is not replaced by
a new one
NIP IT IN THE BUD
If you know from previous experience that this kind of situation will
get louder and more stirred up and angry, deal with it before it
escalates. Decide early on how you will handle the situation while
giving as little attention as possible to the misbehavior. Explain
ahead of time what will happen. Possible choices are that the
children go in time out, the toy goes in time out, you give a warning
to remind what behavior is acceptable, have them earn a treat with
good behavior, etc.
PREPARE FOR TRIPS AWAY FROM HOME
Prepare your child for visits away from home, shopping at the mall
or grocery store, etc. Before leaving home, explain to your child the
behavior you expect. Tell him the exact misbehavior (such as back-
talk or angry screaming), which will result in time out or other
consequence (for example, no television later). If he behaves well,
praise that behavior immediately or while you are returning home.

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POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
Kids need positive, supportive comments from parents on a frequent
and regular basis. Consider establishing a quota system. Every day,
give every person in the family three positive comments, such as
Good job! Thanks for getting that for me. That was really hard for
you, but you did it. I think you handled that very well. These
statements dont take much time, but they will be remembered and
can make a big difference to someones self-esteem.
RESPECT
Parents need to teach and model mutual respect. Developing
capable young people requires a balance of firmness and kindness.
Firmness means using appropriate parenting principles with confi-
dence. Kindness means maintaining dignity and respect for yourself
and your child while using those parenting principles. Dealing with
a problem at the time of conflict, when you or the children are
upset and emotions get in the way, does not work. Cooling off
periods are important. When dealing with children in the child
welfare system, you should consider the added issue of trauma due to
separation from their birth family and their feelings about their birth
family. Resource parents must remember to be respectful of the birth
family as well as the child who has joined their family.
ROUTINES
Children need routines. When a family has routines, the members
usually have more spontaneity and creativity. Without routines,
most families experience chaos. Routines will help your family avoid
hassles.
Some typical routines:
House CleaningPick a time each week to clean the house
together. Each family member can choose one or two rooms to
clean or one or two activities, such as dusting, vacuuming, or
cleaning sinks. If everyone works together, youll be amazed at how
little time it takes to clean the house.
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Meal Planning and PreparationList the jobs (perhaps one person
cooks, another helps, another sets the table, and another cleans
up). During a family meeting, each person chooses at least one
night for each of these jobs. Make a meal chart where the cook lists
what he wants to prepare for each meal. Use this chart to make sure
the needed ingredients are purchased.
Brushing TeethWhen children are young, they need help
brushing their teeth. Do it with them and help them floss. As they
get older, add tooth brushing to the list of activities they do before
school.
BedtimeWith preschool-aged children, establish a routine and
stick to it. Tell the kids its time for bed instead of saying, You have
to go to bed. Follow through with action if necessary. Quietly take
them by the hand and walk them to the bedroom. Ask, Do you
want to choose a story or do you want me to? As the kids get a
little older, involve them in discussing bedtime and give them a
limited choice, such as, You can decide if you would like to go to
bed at 7:15 or 7:30. As they get even older let them pick any
bedtime they like as long as the adults have quiet-no-kid time
from 9 p.m. on. Let them know that bedtime means time to be in
bed, not necessarily asleep.
MorningGet alarm clocks for the kids as soon as they start school
and teach them how to use them. Sit down with your children at a
time when you feel calm and help them brainstorm a list of things
they need to do to be ready for school each day. Some kids make a
chart to help them remember the things on their list. Let the kids
decide how much time they need to accomplish everything on their
lists, and then figure out the time they need to set on their alarm
clocks. Take time for training and have fun by role-playing how the
morning will go from the time the alarm goes off. As part of the
bedtime routine, include preparation for the morning, such as
deciding what they want to wear and putting their homework by
the front door.
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TIME OUT
Time out is a brief interruption of activities. It involves placing a
child in a dull, boring place immediately following unacceptable
behavior. She stays there until a timer signals that she can leave.
She stays in time out one minute for each year of age. Here are the
basic steps for initially using time out:
Steps To Follow:
1. Select one target behavior on which to use time out.
2. Count how often this target behavior occurs.
3. Pick a boring place for time out.
4. Explain time out to your child.
5. Wait patiently for the target behavior to occur.
Target Behavior Occurs:
6. Place your child in the time out place and use no more than
10 words and 10 seconds.
7. Get the portable timer, set it to ring in ___ minutes, and
place it within hearing distance of your child.
8. Wait for the timer to ringremove all attention from your
child while she waits for the timer to ring.
9. Ask your child, after the timer rings, why she was sent to
time out.
SAY NO
Its OK to say no. If all you ever say is no, thats a problem. But
some parents dont think they have the right to say no without
lengthy explanations. Children wouldnt be children if they didnt
try to get parents to change their minds, but it is perfectly appropri-
ate to handle their manipulations with a clean, clear no.
SENSE OF HUMOR
Parenting can get too serious. Its OK not to be serious all the time.
Try telling the kid who is reluctant to do chores that there is an
article about him in the newspaper. Then pretend to read how your
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son was interviewed and said how much he loves to wash the
dishes. You can pretend you are reading an ad in the paper that
says, Remember to hug your parents five times a day. For those
kids who have a hard time finishing what they start, try introducing
them to the beginning-middle-end concept. Let them know they
are great at beginnings, fair on middles, but you havent seen an
end yet. Later, you can ask, How are those ends coming? Children
like being joked with when parents accept their idiosyncrasies and
use humor.
SUNDAY BOX
Place a cardboard box, marked Sunday Box, in the living room or
in any other room that you want cleared of clutter. Set a timer for
10 minutes and place it next to the box. Then announce to your
family that you are putting all out-of-place belongings in the box
when the timer rings. The objects are kept there until Sunday,
when you release them to their owners. Give no further warning
and do not scold. After the timer rings, pick up all out-of-place
objects, place them in the box, and place the box in a closet. No
one should touch the objects or the Sunday Box until Sunday.
After losing their toys and other objects several times, children will
pick up their own belongings, and you wont have to scold or nag.
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Disciplining Children: Suggestions when parents try to discipline these children by sending them to

for Resource Parents (From PATH, Session 6)

their room or lecturing, these children feel that they are being
rewarded by having parents move away from them on an emotional
level. Remember, if it is scary to get close to a parent, it is a reward
As you anticipate taking children who have lived in the child to be sent to your room.
welfare system into your family, it is important to think about your
disciplinary plan. One thing you can count on is that your old tried Many of these children come from traumatic backgrounds that
and true techniques, in all likelihood, will be severely challenged by include abuse and severe neglect. These children do not believe
these children. That means that if you have not thought about how that they are worthy of being loved and taken care of. They have a
your methods of discipline will need to change, you are in for a rude real lack of self-worth and do not believe that they deserve rewards.
awakening once a child from the system joins your family. Here are They do not seem to care if you ground them or keep them from
some answers to commonly asked questions about discipline. people or activities that they enjoy. This lack of caring makes sense
if you remember that these children do not feel worthy of having
WHY DOESNT TRADITIONAL DISCIPLINE WORK WITH good things. Sometimes these children will start to do the things
CHILDREN FROM THE SYSTEM? necessary to earn a reward, but then will blow it before they get to
First, you need to understand how basically well-adjusted children their goal; others will give up right away or not even try.
relate to their parents. For typical children, pleasing parents and
being close to them are important. These are children who, by and WHAT ABOUT USING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE WITH THESE
large, have a good feeling about who they are and believe that they CHILDREN?
are are worthy of good things. When you discipline these children Even if you have used spanking with your children and feel that
for misbehaving, you can lecture, remove privileges, or send them to you have had good results with this method of discipline, you need
their rooms and expect to get results. Remember that deep down to rethink it for children who have come from the child welfare
inside, they really want to please you. You may run into some system. For these children, spanking is never a good idea.
problems with your teenagers as they try to break away from you to
become their own persons, but with basically well-adjusted teens Remember that many of the children you will be taking into your
who understand your values, these methods of discipline do work. family already have experienced a great deal of physical violence.
For those who have been abused, spanking can trigger reminders of
Many of the children from the child welfare system who will be the abuse or can spark violence on the part of the children.
joining your family never have learned how to get emotionally close
to others. Having had so many moves in their young lives, they Because of all the physical violence to which these children have
have learned that getting close and then being moved again is been exposed, spanking may mean nothing to them. With your
painful. These children have learned to protect themselves by own children, spanking probably was somewhat effective because
creating emotional barriers between themselves and parents. So, they were shamed by spanking and knew that you were displeased.

20 21
Children from the system are not necessarily concerned about your
displeasure; they may react to the humiliation of a spanking in
unpredictable ways. Many seem unphased by the experience; some
parents interpret this as defiance and feel compelled to spank harder
and longer to get a reaction. By turning up the volume on the
spanking, many resource parents have ended up getting into abu-
sive situations before they even knew what was happening.
There are also children who have learned to get attention in
negative ways. They feel that having someone yell at them or hit
them is better than being ignored. For these children, spanking does
not get the desired effect because they are still getting attention
from the parents.
Most agencies have policies regarding discipline for foster and
adoptive children who are in your home during the supervisory
period. These policies usually do not allow you to use physical
discipline because of the reasons discussed thus far.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP CHILDREN BEFORE THEY
MISBEHAVE?
Before you get into a situation with a child misbehaving, it is
important to catch children in the act of being good. Some children
will have periods of momentary calm during which you can give
them hugs, pieces of candy, or words of praise that say, I love you,
and Im glad you are here. Other great ideas to try out with these
children include packing notes with their lunches that say, You are
a good person or designing homemade coupons that children can
cash in for doing a good deed or having a good day at school. So
many of these children need to be held, hugged, and spoken to in a
voice that calms and soothes. Take any opportunity to show love
and caring for these children. When children are sick, they are
open to all types of displays of caring by parents. Be the one to take
a sick child sodas and chicken soup. Spend time talking and reading
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to a sick child home from school. These can be special moments for
both of you. Use every opportunity to give your children positive
attention.
It is important to let children who join your family know up front
what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking
them. Be positive, clear, and consistent. Let the children know
what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from the beginning.
Posting a list of household rules and a chart for chores helps chil-
dren understand what your expectations are. Not having to guess
about what they are supposed to do can be a big relief for some
children. For others, their excuse for misbehaving or not completing
their work is taken away if you have gone that extra mile to be
clear.
Establishing a family meeting time is another suggestion that many
resource families feel is very helpful. This is an opportunity to hear
from all the family members about how things are going. Setting
aside time to talk together as a family can cut down on the number
of problems that may escalate out of control when the lines of
communication are not open.
WHICH TYPES OF DISCIPLINE WORK WITH CHILDREN FROM
THE SYSTEM?
When a situation arises that requires you to discipline children, it is
important to act with as much confidence as you can. Because
children from the system can be intimidating, this can be a difficult
task. Remember that when children are misbehaving, they are
looking to adults to set limits. When the adults seem to be out of
control, children who are acting up may become fearful and turn up
the volume on their misbehavior. Using statements such as My job
is to keep children safe in the family and I can help you not to be
afraid, are important things to say. Irritated statements, such as
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Why cant you mind? are fruitless. In all probability, children do
not know why they are having so much trouble. The answer often
lies in the fact that these children do not trust adults to take care of
them.
For children from the system who have a hard time getting close to
and trusting parents, the best form of discipline is to keep them
close to you following an incident of misbehavior. Seating a child
on a chair next to you or in the same room with you often is effec-
tive. Remember, many of these children are afraid to get close, so
sending them to their room is a reward. Having them stay with you
is an effective form of discipline.
When children temporarily lose control with others, you need to
move in to provide the control. Many children from the system
have a hard time with internal control and need the help of adults
when escalating out of control. Removing the child from such a
situation is the first step. It is also important to stay with the child,
talking quietly while distracting the child from the event. Then,
get the child to think through the problem and find a fair solution
after calming down. Let the child know that you feel that he/she
has the power to regain self-control and to handle the situation. Be
sure to tell the child that it will be okay to rejoin the activity when
he/she feels ready.
Adolescents from the child welfare system can be especially chal-
lenging to deal with at times. These are often youths who see
themselves as undeserving of good things. The problem with
disciplining these children is that removing privileges often includes
isolating them from their friends. Young people need to spend time
with friends, for without friends they cannot learn to separate from
their families and become their own persons. It will be important for
you to figure out ways that discipline can be enforced, but not at
the expense of always keeping them away from events at which
they will have opportunities to socialize with other young people.
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As a parent, you can side with your youth who has misbehaved by
saying, But you deserve to go to the dancewhy dont you think
you deserve it? How can I help you get what you need? Do you
need help (doing your homework, cleaning your room, making it to
school, not stealing)? This is a supportive way of letting the ado-
lescent know that he/she needs and deserves to be with friends,
while conveying that appropriate behavior is expected and that you
will be available to help achieve compliance.
DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN THAT I WILL HAVE TO
CHANGE MY STYLE OF DISCIPLINE?
Most resource families find that having two styles of discipline (one
used with your own children and one used with children you are
rearing who have come from the child welfare system) does not
work. All of these disciplinary techniques are common-sense ways
to approach discipline with any child.
Using these techniques with all of your children makes good sense.
If you are currently using spanking or other forms of corporal
punishment, you need to give a great deal of thought to how you
will handle disciplining children who you will be rearing as a
resource parent. It just doesnt make sense for you to spank some of
the children in your home and not others. Setting clear rules for
behavior, helping children to build their sense of self-worth, giving
them the opportunity to talk about the feelings behind their ac-
tions, and providing external control for children who are out of
control are techniques that work with all children.
Rosemary P. Jackson, MSW, ACSW
Spaulding for Children
March 1995
25
Based on concepts taken from: Notes:
Fahlberg, Vera, MD, Discipline and Adoption. A paper prepared for the National
Resource Center for Special Needs Adoption, Spaulding for Children, 1988.
Little, Vera, Unconditional Love. Self-published, 1993.
Pike, Victor, Attachment Disorder. Unpublished.

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