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Stephen Freeman
Several years back I stumbled on a book about the sin of envy. I was struck by what I read and realized
that I had never heard a sermon on the topic (nor preached one). Though a number of the Fathers cite
envy as the first and greatest sin, it never seemed to come up as a spiritual topic. I also realized that it
was almost never mentioned in confession. A strange sin perhaps the greatest and yet held in secret.
Over the course of the last year, a number of things have introduced me to the topic of shame. I have
explored its role in my own life and become far more aware of its almost ubiquitous presence in our
culture. It is recorded as the first human response to sin they hid themselves. However, I again noted
that I had rarely heard the subject discussed and did not find it to be a topic that arose in confession. A
strange emotion perhaps the oldest human emotion universal and almost never discussed.
There are some obvious reasons (and some not so obvious) for the hiddenness of shame and envy.
Shame, as an emotion, was overlooked (or reinterpreted) for a long time within the community of
psychotherapy. How Freud and others handled its expression is outside the scope of this piece but it
did not make their list of primary concerns. More recent work in psychology has brought greater
attention to the topic with a resulting growth in published material and therapeutic techniques
geared towards understanding and treating toxic shame.
Envys neglect is less explainable. Pride seems to have pushed it aside. A number of Fathers list pride
as the dominant and original sin (unlike those who list envy). Our modern culture, for whatever
reason, has focused more on pride as an inner issue. The promethean image of Miltons Lucifer, who
would rather rule in hell than serve in heaven, has been seen as the quintessential image of pride.
Modern mans push for ever greater mastery over himself and his world are seen by some as rooted in
pride and a Luciferian rebellion. However, I think envy is the far more prevalent sin and far more
destructive of both individuals and those envied by them. The New Testament cites envy as the motive
behind Christs crucifixion (Matt. 27:18).
Shame, by its very nature, tends to be secret. Shame is defined as the sense that there is something
wrong with me (rather than that I have done something wrong). Guilt is the term used to describe
feelings that what we have done is wrong whereas shame is far deeper. Mere embarrassment does
not rise to the level of shame. For some, there is an almost ever-present sense of shame, a feeling of
unworthiness and abandonment that gives rise to a range of destructive behaviors. It is generally
understood that shame is a feeling that human beings cannot endure. It is either resolved or quickly
changed into more bearable forms (depression and anger sometimes rage being the most common).
Displacing shame by blaming others is another survival strategy.
The feeling of shame provokes a desire to hide. A small child will cover their face with their hands (or
otherwise hide their face) or quickly adopt a mask of disinterest or anger to keep shame at bay. Some
simply cry. As a male authority figure (with a dark, strange cassock and a long beard), I am used to
small children sometimes responding with a shamed expression. A parent suddenly presents a small
child to me, who is overwhelmed (and thus shamed). Rather than smiling and responding warmly,
they burst into tears (sometimes rather inconsolably). Its disconcerting for all concerned!
I have thought a great deal about the dynamic of hiddenness and revelation that characterizes much of
Orthodox liturgical piety. The hiddenness of a mystery, protects us and allows us to cautiously bring
our shame into a more open position. Forms of liturgy (and non-liturgy) that boldly announce God and
democratize the worship experience never get beyond shallow expressions. Their construction exists to
avoid what must stay hidden (or it reveals them inappropriately and asks for them to be revealed in
ways that are dangerous and destructive). The drama of the liturgy is both a theological reality and a
spiritual balm. The Tradition has a wisdom about the deepest aspects of our humanity and treats them
rightly and with respect.
The secrecy of confession is a tool that accompanies the liturgical life. It is a place where the shame
that we normally avoid can be dared and often healed with exposure to the light. But the light is soft
enough (when wielded by a good confessor or one with enough sense to say nothing) not to injure us.
Over the past year, as I noted earlier, Ive seen how far-reaching the power of shame can be in peoples
lives. It is a frequent source of anger; it drives perfectionism; it creates anxiety and panic; it encourages
blame and falsely accuses the self; it is the origin of rage. Because it is secret, and generally unbearable,
it is often forgotten, hidden within painful memories. The healing of such a thing is a slow work,
requiring safety and love. Ideally, the Church should be such a community but very rarely is.
Sometimes the local parish is a place where shame is created and nurtured a spiritually toxic
dumping ground.
Interestingly, it is noted in the literature that even discussing shame can cause shame (so I apologize).
Shame can go viral. There are those awful moments from time to time a childs recital when a
piano passage is forgotten the child feels shame and frustration and everyone in attendance shares
the shame. Our faces flush, we look everywhere but at the child.
These are profound and deep parts of our lives again very seldom discussed or recognized. A sizable
portion of our behavior and emotions come out of these difficult places. Knowing this should give us
pause in our conversations. Am I speaking from the heart or simply displacing shame into some other
form? I am convinced that the larger part of our arguments (including religious arguments) are
ultimately driven by displaced shame.
Envy (not to forget the topic) is also disguised in our lives. Envy is more than a desire for what
someone else has (that would be mere covetousness). Envy wants the other to suffer loss and simply be
deprived. In the so-called politics of envy, decisions are made to tax the wealthy (for example)
regardless of the actual benefit to the state. The recent increase in taxation of the wealthy in France (to
75%), did nothing to address that nations financial crisis. It simply attacked a convenient target.
The Scriptures often describe envy as the evil eye (ophthalmos poneros). It has a a destructive
capacity almost beyond calculation. The passions of various modern revolutions have often been
grounded in envy. Unable to achieve a reasonable and prosperous society, revolutions turn with envy
towards destruction. The end is mere destruction not fairness not equality just destruction.
Modern cultures have almost no means for addressing shame. A school full of children are murdered
(an act of envy) and we rightly feel shame national shame. But the discussion quickly movements to
anger, depression and argument. The shame remains unaddressed and unhealed a toxic source of
our continuing modern malaise.
But these are secret sins. The spiritual life will make little progress and growth so long as such secret
sins remain unnamed and unhealed. The journey from the shame of Adam and Eve and the envy of the
devil into the truth and the light of Christ is the true path of salvation. It is the road less traveled.
A Christian ending to our lives, without shame or fear before the dread judgment seat of Christ, may
the good Lord grant to us.
1. Rd Andrew Bardwell says: Wonderful and timely post Fr Stephen. Thank you. I am a relatively new Reader in the
church, and before my training was complete, our priest was reassigned to another church and our head Reader left to
go to the same church in another state. I have been doing Reader services every weekend (Vespers, Orthros, and
Typika) for over a year and half now. I have been learning as I go, but I have been exploring depths of shame and
envy that I didnt know existed. This past holiday season was particularly wonderful and difficult as we had 3
different priests and our Bishop visit our tiny parish for Nativity and Theophany services all of which I was
responsible for doing the chant and liturgics solo. I am not a very good chanter, and the Reader that left was a
regionally known Byzantine chanter. Forgive me if I seem to be complaining or whining, but this serves as a backdrop
to coming to grips with my own shame and envy during my prayer time. The shame comes from my self-imposed
expectations that I somehow should be a top notch liturgist and chanter, and the envy comes from watching all the
cradle born, clergy with many years in the church, and multi-talented chanters do things that I could only dream of.
So, as a licensed marriage and family therapist that works in a community mental health center with severely mentally
ill clients, I was able to step directly in the shoes of my clients realizing in some respects that they had more
experience and coping abilities with shame then I do. I am starting to understand that shame and envy are universal
experiences, and possibly why they are not shared is because of that common experience we all have of having fallen,
in others eyes, in our own, and at the most fundamental level, with God. Perhaps the fall occurred because we envied
God himself. As I am recovering from this wonderful, insightful, and fearful experience, I continue to prepare for next
weekends Reader services, I continue to pray, and my faith tells me that in years to come, through taking the
sacraments and doing confession, the shame and envy will begin to decrease a little. Its a work in progress. Thanks
again.
2. Fr. Jakob says: Thank you for your work in/for the Kingdom of heaven.
I am reminded of three powerful, but often, I think, missunderstood passages in Holy Scriptures. Let there be light;
and there was light. Genesis 1:3 Shine, shine, O Jerusalem, for your light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen
upon you. Is 60:1 But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is
light. Therefore He says: Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light. Eph 5:13 14
For continued vision I pray.
Fr. Jakob
3. fatherstephen says: Rdr. Andrew, How well I relate to your story! When I converted in 98, I was immediately
appointed as the lay pastor for our newly founded mission. I was a trained theologian, but had no training in
Orthodox liturgics. Every week I was working 40 or more hours as a hospice chaplain, and cramming every evening
for the next weekend. For the first several years of ministry as an Orthodox priest, I rode a roller coaster of shame and
envy (unidentified) as we struggled to get a parish off the ground. It was doubtless the most excruciating emotional
experience of my life. I do not regret it only that I knew so little about what was going on within me and how to
cope. Doubtless your counseling ministry gives you great resources. This past year, studying shame and doing a lot of
inner work with it, has been one of the most enlightening years of my life and ministry. Many things make sense now
(emotionally) that were simply powerful and unknown before. God give you grace. May he prosper your parish as you
offer the sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving!
4. dinoship says: Oh how blessed it is to put oneself in that path of shame that our Lord first trod for our sakes, and
following Zacheuss example confess all to our Spiritual Father!
It truly has the power to transform a most wretched being into a true king clothed in Gods Grace like nothing else, a
priestly and prophetic king whose heart then unceasingly emanates Paschal hymns of the same calibre as those sung
on that special night of the Lords Resurrection:
We celebrate the death of death, the destruction of hades, the beginning of another life eternal, and leaping for joy,
we hymn the Cause, the only blessed and most glorious God of our fathers.
5. Jeff says: I always thought this subject is the most important, because there is no sensitive alternative outside of the
sacrament , , the safety of confession is so life affirming that the sense of dignity is restored inwardly , one cannot
duplicate that restoration anywhere. Though Im catholic and Ukrainian ( Ive yet to go to Divine Byzantine liturgy), ,
Im so greatful for the option before masses and the frequency parishes offer it. Im wondering , many Byzantine and
orthodox only have once a week and by appointment , is it fairly accessible when one needs it?
6. fatherstephen says: It is deeply important to understand that the path of shame that Christ traveled, is not a shame
placed on us by God. He never shames us. It is our own response from which He seeks to deliver us (and on His
shoulders bore our shame). Im sure you know this, but I wanted to add this note lest anyone misunderstand. We do
willingly, at some point, have to face shame in order for it to be healed and for its toxic power to be removed thus
we have to willingly walk that path. But, that Christ has walked it already and shares it with me gives me the courage
and safety to walk it as well. I do not need to fear.
There is, of course, shame as a healthy response. Those who have no shame are sociopaths. But even as a healthy
response, it has to be treated lovingly and knowingly.
7. Dominic Albanese says: mal visone. I have found in my years of recovery from addiction and sin, envy and shame
are but fear masked or compounded. If indeed we are walking the path of God in our own best way, what we are
blessed with is acceptance. I find it strange people hide envy or shame. The fifth step of AA is just like confession in
Church, Let it go, when I was out there, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. now with some good ortho
teaching, I get what I get when I get it and go right back to the source of all things good with thanks and gratitude.
dominic
8. Micah says: Father I hope and pray you recover quickly from this nasty bug that seems to have set itself upon you
with some violence (sounds like Norovirus are you very drained?). May shame be turned to humility (when it rears
its ugly head) and may we thank God for all that too. Amen.
9. George Engelhard says: several things The western idea of original sin as inherited seems to me to say that sin is a
flaw in us that we cannot get rid of-a source of shame. I have heard in western hymns and preaching the idea that
Christ does not overcome our flaw but covers it in His blood so the Father does not see it. How different the eastern
Orthodox idea of sin as a disease that is cured by Christs blood so that we are truly made righteous and not just
appearing that way.
Father, you said that a sociopath has no shame. I think they have been shamed so much by the devil that they are
nothing but shame. If the devil tempts them with something really wicked he immediately shame them for the thought.
Because of their shame they think they are wicked.
When I was very young I became aware fo the existence of God. As an adult, I wrote a poem about the experience:
The Seedpod By George Engelhard - A Very Long, Long Time Ago When I Was Very Young/I Opened Up A
Seedpod And Found In It The Son/And Finding Him Has Set My Course/Hes Named The Race I Run
To Finely Open Up My Self And Find I Am, The One/ Almost Immediately Thereafter The Demons Attacked.
As An Adult I Wrote A Poem About The Experience:
In My Little Bed By George W. Engelhard C 1994
Walls Around Me/Walls Of Pain/Falls Around Me Now The Rain/Dark Clouds Hover Overhead
Shivering In My Little Bed/And I Am Frozen/Filled With Dread/Demons Whispering In My Head/Halls Around
Me/Halls Of Shame/Point Their Fingers Quick To Blame/Night Has Risen Day Has Fled/Lonely In My Little
Bed/And I Am Frozen/Filled With Dread/Frightened By The Words They Said/Walls Around Me
Walls Of Fear/Mocking Laughter Drawing Tears/Nightmares Only Lie Ahead/Quaking In My Little Bed
And I Am Frozen/Filled With Dread/Going Where The Light Is Dead
10. TLO says: Fr. Stephen:
A small child will cover their face with their hands (or otherwise hide their face) or quickly adopt a mask of disinterest
or anger to keep shame at bay. Some simply cry. As a male authority figure (with a dark, strange cassock and a long
beard), I am used to small children sometimes responding with a shamed expression. A parent suddenly presents a
small child to me, who is overwhelmed (and thus shamed). Rather than smiling and responding warmly, they burst
into tears (sometimes rather inconsolably). Its disconcerting for all concerned!
You do look rather intimidating. Perhaps if you shaved or wore a red suit with gold buttons and white fur trimming,
kids wouldnt react that way.:)
{Shame} encourages blame and falsely accuses the self
I wonder about this. There was a time when society looked down on divorce and therefore divorced people had a sense
of shame that is not prevalent in Western culture today. The same could be said about homosexuality. People are born
gay but no longer have to contend with shame unless they are surrounded by people who are condemning them.
I think if we are honest about how humans behave (simply because that is how our biology works) wed spend less
time blaming and shaming one another (and ourselves) and more time accepting people as they are.
Shame is a great motivator though. You can shame a dog into behaving the way you want it too. People are somewhat
easier to paper train with this method. Isnt shame a key factor in the Protestant movement? Seems to work pretty
well.
Envy wants the other to suffer loss and simply be deprived.
As far as I can tell, theres rarely anything secret about envy. Envious people are pretty easy to spot (they usually
gather at the Democratic National Convention once every four years)
Rd Andrew:
I am starting to understand that shame and envy are universal experiences, and possibly why they are not shared is
because of that common experience we all have of having fallen, in others eyes, in our own, and at the most
fundamental level, with God.
Can you help me better understand this idea of shame as you expressed it? Why on Earth would you expect yourself to
be a top notch liturgist and chanter when you know your limitations? If you believe in a merciful god, why would
you feel like you might let him down by just doing your best? Or was it the parishoners or the visiting clergy that
intimidated you? Whence the fear? I dont understand this at all. If you know that you did your best, what more could
you ask of yourself?
my faith tells me that in years to come, through taking the sacraments and doing confession, the shame and envy will
begin to decrease a little.
This sounds rude in writing but it isnt intended as such; This seems a little overboard to me. Its not as if you burned
down an orphanage or shot the last living tiger or anything. If this is the thing over which you feel the most shame,
you have led a very good life.
11. Christina says: Thank you for your post. I just finished reading a book on Shame & vulnerability called Daring
Greatly. It seems that the Lord is already preparing me for Lent. The above post was very timely.
12. Eric says: Father,
I Love this blog and this article seems to strike something fundamental. The point about liturgy is beautifully made
and resonates deeply with discussions within my own tradition where so many want to make worship flat, remove
mystery in the name of mission.
I was particularly struck by your comments on Envy. Is this perhaps not The Primal Sin that you might be like God
by which our forebears fell. Was it not evidenced once more at Babel? And does not our Saviour come as one who
does NOT consider equality with God something to be grasped??
Blessings on your ministry this blog revives my spirit on an almost daily basis
With prayers for your return to fulness of health Grace and Peace in abundance
fatherstephen says: TLO, You are so insensitive! But, one of the top-listed items of fear for most people is
public speaking. Make public speaking into chanting and conducting a service and its worse still. Shame is born of
failed expectations (ours or someone elses). Getting realistic is indeed helpful, but getting at the why do I have
unrealistic expectations is the harder thing. Its just part of healing and growing.
The interior sense of shame which many people have at all time, is an inner sense that there is something wrong or
inadequate or failing about them. Statements (in our heads) like, I always are usually the sounds of shame
irrational but powerful.
Your citing of social stigmas such as sexual orientation, etc. are good examples of how society uses shame to
control people. I think that we deeply abuse shame in our culture and have devastated any number of lives as a result.
Bullying, a popular topic at present, is simply another form of shame which is why it is so devastating. We use it
in our public speech, in our debates, etc. never advancing our case, but doing deep damage.
Shame has long been associated with religious practice (simply because it works). The religious use of shame begins
to cross into what is today described as spiritual abuse, and I agree with that analysis. Christ has not ordained me to
shame people, but to heal their shame.
No culture is immune from this. I appreciate cultures where it is very much acknowledged and rules govern it
(classical Japanese, for example). We have much to learn.
13. mary benton says: Fr. Stephen I too pray for your recovery. This is an interesting post
As a psychologist, I most often encounter shames destructiveness when people have come to believe that they are bad
because of things done TO them. This sense of bad self then becomes exaggerated so that the persons view of their
own behaviors (either normal or sinful) take on a quality of shame. Thus, the person finds forgiveness to be very
difficult because they are not feeling a simple guilt for doing a wrong thing. They feel they ARE the wrong thing but
they must not let others find out or they will be rejected. They may even anticipate God or their clergy rejecting them,
adding to the secrecy and blocking them from experiencing the grace that awaits.
I realize there are much simpler cases of shame, of which I have had my share. The sacraments are immensely helpful
in healing. I also believe that we need greater integration of spirituality and psychotherapy. I cannot imagine doing
psychotherapy without God in the room.
I have been nurturing a vision of our churches becoming centers of healing. (Some already are, of course, but many
are not as you noted.) Thank you for giving me more to reflect upon.
14. drewster2000 says: Fr. Stephen,
Just a side note: This is another one of your excellent and far-reaching articles. Sometimes books for further reading
are suggested during these posts and Im very grateful for the recommendations..
But it is in my mind that the time is coming (and perhaps now is) where the masses will be so broken that they will be
unable to read these books through lack of attention span or willpower, not intelligence.
I think part of the answer for this is what youre doing here ripping a page out of one of those books and discussing
it in a group.
We can all stand around and say it shouldnt be that way, but I appreciate people like you, people that dont argue
about what is but get busy doing something about it. For in truth, if people learn to sip milk here, they might actually
get strong enough to digest the meat in those books.
This is my way of thanking you once again for your ministry, but also hoping that all of the Church will understand
the need to be more missional to the starving souls who are in fact dying all around them at their feet.
15. Paul says: TLO, I think this might help you see how shame affects people. Last Summer, Inc. magazine (of all places)
published a small article about the difference in leadership abilities of people who are motivated by guilt vs shame:
http://www.inc.com/magazine/201207/jj-mccorvey/feeling-guilty-good-leadership.html
Bottom line, guilt driven people make better CEOs because the guilt motivates change while shame inhibits it. Shame
is a terrible taskmaster.
16. fatherstephen says: Drewster, Thank you for the kind words. Your description of ripping a page out of a book and
sharing is very close to what I think of myself as doing with the addition of digesting it first.
17. fatherstephen says: Mary, There are an increasing number of very reliable books on the subject of psychology and
Orthodox spiritual practices, etc.The more I read from neurotheologians, though, the less likely god seems to me.
Rephrased; all of our realities are experienced neurologically. Fr. Alexis Trader has a new book looking at Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy and the Philokalia. He is a priest, a therapist, and a monk at Karakallou (on the Holy Mountain).
Thats a fairly impressive resume. It was a difficult read (rather technical on all fronts) but very useful. Still digesting.
Ive seen some other things as well. Its encouraging.
18. Ioann says: something wrong with progressive taxation?
19. Karen says: TLO (John? Is that you under a new namedid I miss the transition?),
Regarding your response to Rdr. Andrew, Id like to offer a clarification: the subject under discussion is not the
proportionate and appropriate sense of shame or embarrassment we sometimes feel in making mistakes (whether
serious or not so serious) because of their realistic deleterious impact on others who were made vulnerable or hurt by
us in some way. (This first sort of shame is quite healthy and is an aspect of the ability to feel empathy and
compassion for others.) Rather the subject is toxic shame, by definition an inordinately deep and disproportionate
and emotionally debilitating sense of shame that is really, as someone has pointed out, an out of control fear response
the fear of rejection, abandonment, and social ostracism mostly, but may also involve for some a threat to physical
well being or even our very existence as well.
We are less likely to develop this latter kind of shame if, while we are growing up and in our continuing experience,
the responses of others to our mistakes are proportional to their seriousness and where the consequences of our
mistakes are reasonable and appropriate and where we receive the opportunity through grace extended (i.e., continued
empathy/emotional support, patient instruction/explanation about what is expected and why in terms we can
understand at the appropriate developmental level, not rehearsing our past mistakes every time we make a new one,
etc.) to make restitution and/or ask and receive forgiveness and quickly be restored to peace and a full sense of
belonging with the others we may have hurt or offended.
For all of us, this does not happen all the time in the way it ideally should. Even the best of parents get stressed or
tired and fail their kids sometimes, there are always bullies in the school or neighborhood, and there are jerks in the
work and market places. So, we all (to one degree or another) at times may struggle with some toxic shamealong
with the reasonable and healthy kind which keeps us from becoming anti-social personalities ourselves. Some of us
suffer to a greater degree than others from the toxic variety depending upon our temperament and social sensitivity
and also the degree to which and how early and vulnerable a stage developmentally we were subjected to shame,
rejection, abandonment (literal or emotional), harsh punishment, and inappropriate and unrealistic expectations for our
behavior/performance.
When the abuse heaped on us by others (whether intentionally or not) is done in the name of God or of pleasing Him,
our relationship with Godand not just other people and ourselvesis injured. I believe this is what the Pharisees were
perpetrating with their legalism and hypocrisy and that it is one of the reasons Jesus reserved His harshest public
vilification for their patterns of behavior (which they justified in the name of fidelity to God).
When the abuse happens at a very early stage of development and is sustained throughout childhood, it contributes to
the development of such seriously disordered conditions as Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social
Personality Disorder where the persons capacity to empathize with others and feel healthy shame is completely
disabled. This inward dissociation from their own vulnerable feelings (e.g., shame, fear, sadness, loving attachment to
others) and conscience can be understood as a survival mechanismthe only thing that allows these folks to manage
their overpowering social (and even existential) fear. Instead, the fears are pushed deeply into the darkest recesses of
unconsciousness under powerful protective layers of lust/envy, aggression, anger, and rage that are usually carefully
hidden. Such folks, also for survivals sake, instead become master charmers, actors and manipulators of others to feed
these ravenous lustsfor attention, for control, for adulationin short, for the bottomless pit of need for a sense of
personal worth created by the deprivation of necessary graceunconditional loveearly in life). These conditions are
among the most resistant to psychological therapy and treatment. With God, though, all things are possible, so we
dont despaireven in these latter cases.
Spiritual abuse injures our ability to discern the presence and true nature of Godeffectively, it cuts us off from
communion with Him. It is possible, with the meaningful demonstration of love on the part of others (especially those
representing God and presenting Him in the sacramental life of the Church) to heal from such toxic shame, but
depending on the depth of the toxicity, it can be a very long processmany times being a one step forward, two steps
back sort of thing. Nevertheless, such healing is, in Christ, our destiny.
20. Rd Andrew says: TLO Shame for me is standing in front of a third grade class at the beginning of school having
failed third grade last year, and telling your new classmates who were a year behind you last year how your summer
went. Its continuing in school not doing well despite repeating third grade, having professional parents who are
yelling at you and calling you lazy, without knowing that you have a cognitive processing disorder. Its figuring these
things out when you are an adult, forgiving yourself and all those who didnt know what was happening in your head,
but realizing that despite good therapy and plenty of self-help courses, a loving spouse and years of helping others
with similar problems, that some wounds just run deep. I have come to the realization that after 30+ years in the
mental health business, that psychological therapy can only take you so far. In my first confession after my baptism
into the Orthodox Church (after 57 years as a devout Protestant), my priest said to me, that I must put off childish
things, and that Christ will take me to places I do not want to go. As I follow Christ to the cross and participate into
his death, I must also descend with him into my own Hades. Its a dark and lonely place. When I had to did my first
service as a Reader solo, despite all the good self-talk and re-assurance that I was just a beginner, etc, I stood at the
Readers stand in front of my loving parish members and trembled throughout the whole service, and kept looking for
any hole that I could crawl into. I have gone deeper into the cave of my soul, and sometimes Christ extinquishes my
light and says follow my voice. Many times I bump my head on a sharp rock, but without the light, without Christs
voice, I am now truly lost. I dont tremble when I do services now, just have a lump in my throat when I have to do
Byzantine Tone 6 (or 7, or 8, or 1, etc). I didnt burn down any orphanage or kill any rare tiger, but there is still a
small (and getting smaller) voice that says I disappointed my parents, I let my family down because I wasnt more
successful (whatever that means), I should be able to master these liturgics, and on and on. Yes I envy those who can
sing with confidence, who found the Orthodox church earlier in life, who are further along the path then I am, but I go
to confession, I take the sacraments, and begin to feel some peace. The first line of the Readers Vespers service that I
will read tomorrow night is: Through the prayers of our Holy Fathers, Lord Jesus Christ our God, have mercy on us,
and save us. Amen Forgive for rambling and being overly personal.
21. sergieyes says: I offer my sincere respects to Father Stephen. You are worthy. Perhaps I may murmur a modest
suggestion, by your leave, please. Psychologist Alfred Adler, a direct disciple of Freud might have known about
shame, with respect! This is a respectful comment. To speak directly, always with respect, Fr., he mentions the
inferiority complex as being his focus of therapeutic psychology. In this sense, especially in the West, children might
not be overly protected, and thus develop a knowledge that there are adversative forces over which they have no
means of protection for themselves.
We find this is not modern psychobabble, but it is in our Christian Bible, in the history named the Book of Genersis,
wherein we encounter a pair of words, Arat and Itsavon, curse and sorrow in a slightly difficult-to-father
translation. When we leave the Kingdom of God, and His service, we find how adverse the world is to us, relative to
our stancevis-a-vis God. The worlds isnt a problem, our stance, which mises the target (God and His service) is the
problemand that is the seed of curse and sorrow. Genesis 3:16 and 17
curse-strongs H779 arar ; sorrow-Strongs H6093 `itstsabown.
In the narrative, Eve explains curse: she was beguiled, that is unable to stand steadfastly,to fully understand. We are
influenced by the entire world under that curse. As far as sorrow is concerned, we endeavor, and NEVER know what
the result will be. Ladies may want children, but we all know of couples who must adopt them. Farmers may want a
strong crop and we all know of agricultural disasters. Or sorrow.
I am just presenting where I see shame being a Biblical subject.
Envy seems to be fairly close to what Dostoevsky noticed and spoke of, spitefulness. I shall attempt to find the
Dostoevsaky references vis-a-vis spitefulness. It esacpes me for the moment.
I hope this is inoffensive.
22. sergieyes says: Errata: a slightly difficult-to-father translation is an error. It should have been a slightly difficult-to-
fathom translation.
23. Karen says: Rdr. Andrew, God bless you for rambling and being overly personal. Having a sibling with
schizophrenia and a child with learning disabilities on the autism spectrum, and being a fellow struggler with toxic
shame (performance anxiety and perfectionism), I hear you well, brother. We both know it does get better, little by
little, and we look to Him Who began a good work in us to, indeed, be faithful to complete it.
24. dinoship says: Karen, I completely agree with your response to John/TLO, it reminds me of Isaiah the Solitary in the
Philokalia, well, with a modern terminology!
25. drewster2000 says: Fr. Stephen, Your Fr. Alexis Trader link for Mary took me to a 404 error on your site. I should
also mention that the color of the link is so light that you have to really WANT to see it. Intentional? Teaching people
to go through the narrow gate? (grin)
26. drewster2000 says: By the way, someone mentioned Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I second that emotion. Very
good stuff written at a beginner, non-clinical level. A great starting point.
27. Karen says: Dinoship, thanks for that reference to Isaiah the Solitary. I will have to look him up (hope his writings are
available in English)! Im not surprised to see the best of the insights of modern psychology dovetailing nicely with
the teachings of the Fathers.
28. mary benton says: Rdr Andrew your personal sharing was utterly beautiful. I too can relate at some level, having
been an extremely shy and sensitive child and young adult. I admire you for taking on your holy duty as hard as it is
for you. May God bless you for your devotion. I believe it will get better (I remember how horribly nervous I was
when I started as a reader in my RC church, a much simpler duty).
Also, who knows? Perhaps God is using your difficulty to strengthen someone else. (Not that God inflicts the
difficulty, but uses it in a transformational way.)
I had (and it is still in my genes) a psychiatric affliction that caused me much suffering. One of the things that helped
me most was to realize that ANY suffering, even the most pointless, can be transformed into prayer. This helped me to
accept rather than resist or dread my symptoms. From a psychological perspective this was healing as the shift from
self-focus helped me not to perpetuate the symptoms; from a spiritual perspective, it expanded my heart to be more
loving, as I could offer my suffering for another.
I dont know if this will help you but I share it in a spirit of prayer for you. Thank you for your witness.
29. mary benton says: Karen Your response to TLO was extremely well said. You should write a book, if you havent
already :-). I dont know that I have ever heard anyone explain Narcissistic and Anti-Social Personality Disorder so
well.
In addition, it is good for us to remember that, in an online commentary such as this, we do not know what inner hurts
another has suffered. We would do well (and do, for the most part) keep compassion ever evident in our sharing.
30. fatherstephen says: Sergieyes, Your thoughts seem quite correct. I was working from Michael Lewis book, Shame:
The Exposed Self. He was dealing primarily with Freuds lack of treatment of shame (or looking at it differently). Its
not my field, but your thoughts on Adler seem quite correct. I know that much more attention is being paid to shame
on the level of therapy these days books, workshops, etc. Very helpful, I think. Like all things that become
popularized, it will doubtlessly have some better treatment and poorer ones. I would love the opportunity to
correspond with Fr. Alexis on the topic sometime. I have a number of other questions for him as well. I hear very good
things about him. Youre blessed to have such a spiritual father.
31. Atthetablewithannie says: Father Stephen,
For those of us who are not schooled in the Orthodox church, but are increasingly drawn to it, as you once were, I
would be grateful to hear your explanation of a spiritual father, and how this is different or similar to a spiritual
director or confessor. Thank you.
32. alex says: Fr. Stephen, Thank you for these thoughts. I too have been thinking about shame quite a bit of late, and I
think that juxtaposing it with envy is very illuminating. I was particularly interested in your discussion of the de facto
pride of place enjoyed bypride (pun sort of intended), and how our fascination with pride can obscure the more
gangrenous effects of envy. I think that youre right and that, especially in a consumer culture that takes a tacit
Hobbesian anthropology for granted, learning to see envy in ourselves is crucial to spiritual health.
One thing Id like to add is that there seems to be a strange relation not just between pride and envy, but also between
pride and shame. I often have trouble disentangling the two in my own reflections; a feeling of shame often following
from some unwarranted pride that has been contradicted by brute experience. Evagrius of course makes the point
better than I, in reference to accepting charity: If you need food or clothes, do not be ashamed to accept what others
offer you. To be ashamed to accept is a kind of pride. (Faber Philokalia, v.1 p. 32) I feel that something must be
wrong with me for needing clothes or food from someone else, hence shame; but isnt this just the flip-side of the
prideful individualism which tells me Im superior to, and ontologically distinct from, the communities and
relationships in which I live?
Of course, this doesnt exhaust the kinds of pride available, but it does seem at least to introduce a vaguely triangular
geometry to the sins youve so beautifully discussed here.
As always, thank you very much for your essays. They are a true gift.
33. sergieyes says: With respect, Fr. Stephen, Bishop Sergios Black provided me with an introductionHis Grace more or
less suggested that Fr. Alexios Trader should be my spiritual father. I have Fr. Alexios address, but I am not sure
what he thinks. It is best, if you want his contact to let Bishop Sergios intercede.
If this is inconvenient, email me with a paper mail address and I will write a paper letter to Fr. Alexios and he can
decide. That way, my mistakes will not smirch your holy discourses.
34. George Engelhard says: Rd Andrew, I to have cognative processing problems from being an Rh baby. Though I am
of high intellegence, I cant tell the trees for the forest and I dont see clearly when to change tasks. I remember my
father saying,think, George, think!
35. Luke says: Father, When discussing shame I thought about the movie The Kings Speech.
As you might know, to overcome studdering/public speaking the king had to to do several things. Most did not
involve thing we might call spititual. Or are they? He did humble himself and listened and did what the teacher
asked.Not easy for a king.
On envy,
I dont know how anybody could know,that envy is the motivation behind higher taxes for the well to do.
It might be, but there could be other reasons too. Correct?
In our own Country the tax increase was for the well to do but Social Security taxes increased too. That hit the less
wealthy. It seems to me that those targets were selected to keep the electorate happy. A smart political thing to do,
If you want to win elections. I guess that would be polics of pandering.
as defined pandering is: a person who caters to or profits from the weaknesses or vices of others.
Hum. I guess envy is more common than I thought!
The thing is, in this world the powerless end up losing most of the time. These are my perceptionsluke
36. TLO says: Fr. Stephen: The interior sense of shame which many people have at all time, is an inner sense that there
is something wrong or inadequate or failing about them.
During a psychotherapy session, my doctor said, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you dont have an inferiority complex. The bad news is that you actually are inferior. That has made all the