GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

The Abridged Script

By

Alex W. and Chris W.

Based on
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
INT. HOSPITAL - HICKSVILLE, AMERICA - 1988
YOUNG CHRIS PRATT sits in the hallway listening to his
WALKMAN while his MOTHER is dying of TRAGIC HERO BACKSTORY
DISEASE.

GREGG HENRY
Hey, grandson. You know how I said
you had to wait outside until your
Mom had thirty seconds to live?
Well good news, you can come in
now.
CHRISS DYING MOM
(weakly)
The end is near, Chris. I can
barely lift a finger, much less
giftwrap a handmade present and
attach a handwritten letter, which
somehow I did anyway. All I ask now
is that you hold my hand before
Deaths icy grip rips my soul from
my body.

YOUNG CHRIS
Ew, your sick make-up is gross and
scary, so no.
CHRISS FAMILY
Jesus, shes only asking for you to
confront the harsh truth of
mortality at age seven, you little
prick.

CHRISS MOM dies and he is KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS but on the

flip side is spared sitting through STAR TREK V: THE FINAL
FRONTIER so its not ALL bad.

EXT. THE PLANET MORAG - 26 YEARS LATER

CHRIS PRATT, having apparently grown up into INDIANA SOLO

MEETS THE ROCKETEER, approaches a RUINED CITY.
CHRIS PRATT
Since the Avengers spent the last
few movies chasing a Rubiks Cube,
I guess well mix it up and chase a
Magic 8-ball this time.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

He fires up his WALKMAN and eventually finds the MACGUFFIN

ORB inside a LAVA LAMP. He gets it out using his PSYCHIC
GRABBY THING that only grabs EXACTLY WHAT CHRIS WANTS at any
given moment, but then DJIMON HOUNSOU and his
WHATEVERTHEFUCKS burst in!

DJIMON HOUNSOU
Phew! Good thing you spent all that
time fucking around doing a dance
number, or we might not have caught
up. Now hand over the Orb, or my
minions will do whatever the hell
they do!
However, CHRIS pulls a DARING ESCAPE and FLIES OFF!!
CHRIS PRATT
Thats me, the dashing heroic
space-captain with a goofy streak
who attaches plastic figurines to
his flight console! Or for you
Firefly fans out there, Mal plus
Wash.

ALIEN GIRL
Hey babe, all I could find to wear
was this mint-condition 26-year-old
T-shirt of yours, hope thats cool.

CHRIS PRATT
...with a bit of Jim Kirk thrown
in.
CHRIS has a SPACE SKYPE with ALIEN MICHAEL ROOKER.

MICHAEL ROOKER
How dare you betray me, boy? I
raised ya since you was a kid and
ya stole that Orb before I could
steals it and tried to cut me outta
da deal ta sells it!
CHRIS PRATT
Are... are you actually doing Space
Merle right now?

MICHAEL ROOKER
Dont sass me, boy!! Need I remind
you dat I am NOT only a blue
metal-toothed space pirate, but I
ALSO has a crazy whistle-controlled
floaty death needle thingie,
because I am the first movie
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

MICHAEL ROOKER (contd)

character created entirely of Mad
Libs.
CHRIS PRATT
Okay, how about this: I totally
fuck you over now, and later on,
you rescue me from certain death in
the vacuum of space. Deal?
MICHAEL ROOKER
(grinning)
Deal!

INT. LEE PACES EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

LEE PACE emerges from his EVIL MINERAL BATH to get his EVIL
MUD FACIAL and EVIL SAND EXFOLIANT RUB and is about to start
his EVIL MANI-PEDI when EVIL CYBORG KAREN GILLAN bursts in.
KAREN GILLAN
My liege Ronan, Korath has returned
from Morag, but Quill has the
Infinity Stone you agreed to trade
to my father Thanos, in exchange
for him destroying the Kree world
of Xandar, home of the Nova Corps!
ZOE SALDANA
(furiously checking
marvel.wikia.com)
Dammit girl SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.
Youll give the audience a fucking
migraine at this rate.

KAREN GILLAN
Anyway our sources say that Chris
Pratt will sell the Stone to
someone called The Broker, and why
the hell is there only one person
for every job? The Collector, The
Accuser, The Destroyer, etc? Is
this a union thing?
LEE PACE
(poutily)

Ugh! Another fucking poser trying

to ruin my totally awesome plans
for genocide! This makes me want to
brood in my room while smoking a
cigarette even more than it did
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

LEE PACE (contd)

before! Is someone gonna get me the
Orb or do I have to write a sonnet
about it?!?

ZOE SALDANA
ILL get the Orb. After Thanos
killed my family he raised me to be
an unstoppable assassin, in
accordance with the Tulsa Doom Code
of Villainy.

KAREN GILLAN
Well I bet I can get the Orb back
WAY better than you could.
ZOE SALDANA
Nuh-uh.
KAREN GILLAN
Yuh-huh!
(pause)
Wait a minute, are we two named
females who just had a conversation
about something other than a man?
ZOE SALDANA
(thinks)
Holy shit youre right! A Marvel
movie just passed the Bechdel Test!
Thats awesome!
KAREN GILLAN
(high-fives Zoe)
Awright! Now lets never do that
again for the rest of the movie.
ZOE,LEE PACE
since you have higher billing than
Karen I want you to go get the Orb
back alone and without any
oversight or backup. Now if youll
excuse me I have to go cut myself
just to feel something again.

EXT. CORUSCAPRICARIEL AKA XANDAR

Bounty hunters CGI BRADLEY COOPER and CGI VIN DIESEL search
for targets.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

I love how this planet is so
corrupt, I can just stand in a
public square, point my iPad at
random, and pick the BEST bounty
that comes up. Kind of takes the
"hunt" out of bounty hunting, but
whatever.
CGI VIN DIESEL
I am Vin.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Its crazy how you saying that will
never get old. Whod have thought
youd be so good voicing a
gentle-yet-deadly space alien with
hardly any lines?
CGI VIN DIESEL
I am Vin.
CGI BRADLEY COOPER
"Anyone who saw The Iron Giant",
you say? Fair point. But Im still
amazed the casting department could
somehow make the mental leap from
annoying raccoon-faced asshole to
Bradley Cooper.

Nearby, CHRIS goes to sell the ORB but runs into ZOE.
CHRIS PRATT
Whoa, they have Orion Slave Girls
in this universe?
ZOE SALDANA
Trust me, they dont. Im the
kick-ass warrior woman, wholl also
be your icily distant romantic
interest; so, Zoe plus Inara. And
hey, my names even Zoe. Huh.
(pause)
Anyway Im here to rob you blind,
but I like to chat up my marks
before I steal from them because
fuck the element of surprise.
CHRIS PRATT
Well funny you should mention the
word "fuck" because I thought we
could

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

(gets ass kicked)

(kicks Zoes ass in return)
(gets ass kicked again by Zoe)

(has his & Zoes ass kicked by CGI Vin)

(kicks CGI Bradleys ass)
(everyone kicks every possible combination of ass)

(all asses captured by Nova Corps)

INT. NOVA CORPS HQ

GLENN CLOSE is CHATROULETTING with some KREE ASSHOLE.

GLENN CLOSE
My name is Nova Prime, first cousin
of Optimus. My hair transforms into
a tacky Macys Day Parade float!
And nothing else. So look, how
about some help with this Ronan
douchebag? He is really fucking up
our shit.
KREE ASSHOLE
Whatever, beeyatch. Talk to the
hand.
(does triple-snap)
JOHN C. REILLY
Excuse me, weve just captured a
bunch of criminals including a
known agent of Ronan, the guy were
all terribly worried about? This
could be the break we need.

GLENN CLOSE
Yes, she may have pivotal
information! Quick, throw them all
in the most corrupt prison we have
so they can be summarily killed
before we learn anything.
 7.

INT. SPACE PRISON - PROCESSING

Our heroes are being taken to GEN-POP when CHRIS spots a
guard playing with his WALKMAN.
CHRIS PRATT
Hey asshole, dont fuck with the
awesome soundtrack, its the power
source of our wider-audience
appeal! And furthermore my Mom
bought all that music legitimately
and only made that copy for
personal use, so hands off.
ALIEN GUARD
Dude, how is this thing even still
working after 26 years? It and the
one cassette tape you own should
both be totally destroyed by now.
Do they even sell Double-A
batteries in space? Not to mention
that BOTH L and R headphones are
still working? Thats just fucking
impossible right there.
CHRIS PRATT
Er, no its not, because, um, its
a SHIELD prototype that Howard
Stark built from a Vibranium alloy
that generates power by absorbing
kinetic energy! And the tape ribbon
is made of flexible Asgardian
steel, forged by Odin himself!
Plus, er, Bruce Banner something.
ALIEN GUARD
GODDAMMIT NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO
LINK TO GODDAMN EVERYTHING ELSE YOU
GODDAMN CONTINUITY NERD
(beats shit out of Chris)
ZOE SALDANA
What is it with me following guys
named Chris who cant win a fight?

INT. SPACE PRISON - GEN POP

BIG BLUE NATHAN FILLION
Check it out, I got a voice cameo!
Sure my voice is altered so much
nobody can tell, but yay me!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

CHRIS PRATT
Fillion? Hm, clearly we need to
follow up on this Firefly vibe. But
how?!?

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Well CGI Vin has healing abilities,
and a bunch of weird powers but
doesnt say much, so that covers
Simon and River. Im a genius
mechanic and small furry criminal,
so Kaylee plus Badger.
CHRIS PRATT
Nice! All were missing is Jaynes
tough-as-nails, amoral fighting
machine plus Books dark past and
controlled reserve...
DAVE BAUTISTA
Hey there. Lee Pace killed my
family and Zoe works for him, so
Im gonna kill Zoe now.

ZOE SALDANA
Well I want Lee Pace dead too, so
lets team up to stop him.
DAVE BAUTISTA
Let me think about it no.
ZOE SALDANA
Well I just took your knife from
you and could have slit your
throat, but I didnt, so now can we
team up?
DAVE BAUTISTA
LET ME THINK ABOUT IT SOME MORE NO.

CHRIS PRATT
Well I cant let you kill Zoe
before I get into her pants, so I
say we should ALL team up.

DAVE BAUTISTA
Well when a human male says it it
makes sense, so okay.
The GANG starts their ESCAPE by seizing the GUARD TOWER!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

HEAD GUARD
EVERYONE AIM THEIR BAZOOKAS AT THE
TOWER! NOW START FIRING ONE AT A
TIME SO WE DONT WIN TOO QUICKLY!!

But CGI BRADLEY cuts off all the ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY outside
the tower!!
ZOE SALDANA
Lucky for us that each room has its
own independent gravity generator,
COUGHBULLSHITHARRUMPH
BRADLEY COOPER
Well, its not like having gravity
in this room affects the plan. Now
to detach the control tower from
its base, which, why the fuck does
it even do that?? Eh, were outta
here.
CHRIS PRATT
Awesome! Okay, you guys wait
outside while I risk my life to get
my Walkman back.
ZOE SALDANA
But dont you already have another
tape deck installed on your ship?
Where the fuck did you even get
that from anyway?
CHRIS goes back and displays more of his supreme fighting
prowess by SHOOTING DUDES WHO HAVE NO GUNS OR RANGED WEAPONS
AND JUST RUN TOWARDS HIM. He gets the ORB and WALKMAN back
and uses his ROCKET BOOTS to cross the vacuum of space back
to his ship, while the exposed top of his skull SWELLS AND
BURSTS OH WAIT PG-13 WHOOPS hes fine.
ZOE SALDANA
We can sell the Orb to my contact,
Benicio del Weirdo. He lives in a
secret information hub called
"Knowhere" because we havent found
an alien race yet that can resist a
horrible pun.

The GANG find the aforementioned PUN inside a GIANT FLOATING

SEVERED SPACE HEAD because WELL ITS NOT LIKE WE COULD CRAM
ALL THE CELESTIALS BACKSTORY INSIDE "WINTER SOLDIER" NOW IS
IT.
 10.

INT. SEEDY RESTAURANT AT THE ASS-END OF THE UNIVERSE (INSIDE

THE FLOATING SPACE HEAD)
CHRIS tries to seduce ZOE with music, but she isnt having
ANY of that shit.

ZOE SALDANA
Chris, I have an overwhelming need
to be taken as a serious character,
and bedding the first guy I meet
might look bad to the unusual
number of young girls in the
audience, mkay? So lets not.
CHRIS PRATT
(trying to re-wrap condom)
Yes. Of course. Right. Oh and maybe
later, you could square off against
one of the evil male characters!
ZOE SALDANA
Lets not go crazy.

INT. BENNYS EMPORIUM OF RANDOM EASTER EGGS AND CULT SCI-FI

REFERENCES
BENICIO DEL WEIRDO
Greetings! If you look just up and
to the right, theres Howard the
fucking Duck. And now you dont
need to sit through all the
credits, so youre welcome.
CHRIS PRATT
Whats the Orb even do anyway?
BENICIO DEL WEIRDO
I guess I could lie and say its
for steeping tea, but instead I
will reveal that it contains an
Infinity Stone that, in the wrong
hands, can destroy an entire
planet. Hell, in ONE wrong hand, it
would easily destroy this entire
building. Here, Ill open the Orb
up so you can see it. Check it out!
No, really. Get nice and close.
BENICIOS DISGRUNTLED ASSISTANT
Ben? This may be a shock, but me
seeing your previous assistant
horribly chained in a box did NOT
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

BENICIOS DISGRUNTLED ASSISTANT (contd)

foster the level of employee
engagement you were hoping for! You
fucking suck and I deduced the best
way to get back at you was to
suicide myself by grabbing the
Infinity Stone! Which will surely
grant me a quick and painless
death, so, take that!!
But the Infinity Stone has OTHER PLANS and gives the
ASSISTANT an EXCRUCIATING, AGONIZING, PAINFULLY EXPLOSIVE
DEATH! BENICIOs lab is in ruins.
BENICIO DEL WEIRDO
(in tatters)
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?! WHY NOT
JUST HITCH A RIDE ON A SHIP INSTEAD
OF BLOWING UP MY LAB HOLY FUCK
CHRIS PRATT
The hell dude, do you not have
powers or abilities or spells or
any way of protecting your shit?
What exactly was going to stop Lee
Pace from just walking in here and
fucking you up? Sorry but were
taking our business somewhere else.

EXT. STREET INSIDE THE GIANT FLOATING SEVERED SPACE HEAD,

PERHAPS ITS MEMORY LANE, HARDY HAR HAR
CHRIS PRATT
Guys, we need a new plan to keep
the Stone away from Lee Pace.
DAVE BAUTISTA
What was that? I couldnt hear you
because I was too busy telling Lee
where we were so Id have the
chance to face off against him mano
a mano! I told him to come alone
and not to bring any of his massive
evil fleet of evil underlings
because that would be a bitch move.

LEE PACE arrives with his MASSIVE EVIL FLEET OF EVIL

UNDERLINGS.
DAVE BAUTISTA
Did NOT see that coming.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

LEE and KAREN UTTERLY CURBSTOMP EVERYONE, get the ORB, and
leave ZOE and CHRIS for dead in space.

KAREN GILLAN
Oh hey, Benicio has that other
Infinity Stone, the one he got in
Thor 2? You wanna grab that while
were here?

LEE PACE
Nah.
(runs LARP session of Vampire: The Masquerade)
In the aftermath, CGI BRADLEY finds BAUTISTA whos still
alive because SUMMER MOVIE, and also CGI VIN who was off
JERKING IT or something. They all rendezvous with MICHAEL
ROOKER who has rescued CHRIS and ZOE as per their earlier
arrangement.

INT. MICHAEL ROOKERS SHIP

CHRIS PRATT
Alright guys, its Big Damn Speech
Time. Even though it may be certain
suicide, we need to use the Reavers
Ravagers to fight the Alliance
Accuser to get the Signal Stone to
Mr Universe the Nova Corps.
CGI BRADLEY COOPER
Ugh, fine, I guess were all best
buds now even though weve only
known each other about 3 days and
spent at least half of that time
trying to kill each other.

INT. LEE PACES WIDESCREEN-FRIENDLY EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

LEE conferences with CGI JOSH BROLIN.
LEE PACE
(blasting Marilyn Manson)
So I got the Infinity Stone.
CGI JOSH BROLIN
Cool, hand it over.

LEE PACE
(painting room black)
But then I saw you all reclining
ominously on your rocket throne
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

LEE PACE (contd)

made of rock, and I realized:
youre a total poser! I hate
fucking posers! So I superglued the
stone to my huge hammer staff and
now I can kill the Xandarians all
by myself!
CGI JOSH BROLIN
Then I suppose Ill just scowl at
you instead of getting off my huge
purple ass and doing anything about
it. Damn, is it Avengers 3 yet?

EXT. XANDAR

LEES SHIP and CHRISS SHIP and ROOKERS PIRATE FLEET arrive
and ACT THREE OF A MARVEL MOVIE breaks out! Things are
looking bad for our heroes, however, until they are joined
by the NOVA CORPS!
NOVA GUY WHO WAS IN SHAUN OF THE DEAD
Ha ha, we have turned the tide with
our superior numbers of fast,
nimble ships! Now lets merge into
a giant unmoving wall so we can
throw away all of our tactical
advantages all at once.
They form a giant BLANKET and BLOCK LEES SHIP from going
directly forward!
LEE PACE
WHY IS THERE NO REVERSE ON THIS
GODDAMN THING
(stomps to basement, watches "The Hunger" ten times)

EXT. THE FIELDS OF XANDAR

MICHAEL ROOKER is SHOT DOWN and finds himself surrounded by
EVIL WHATEVERTHEFUCKS!!
WHATEVERTHEFUCK #12
(standing completely still)
Wow, Rookers flying needle totally
killed that guy! Oh, and the guy
next to him! And those other three
guys! And that guy! Shit, and it
flew into our ship and killed the
pilot! AND it killed two more guys
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

WHATEVERTHEFUCK #12 (contd)

on the ground! And now its flying
directly towards me! I wonder what
will happen ne--

(is killed)

INT. LEES EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

CHRIS and ZOE and BAUTISTA and CGI VIN use their PENTAGRAM
HAND-STAMPS to sneak past EVENT SECURITY and get aboard!
CHRIS PRATT
Its dark as fuck in here with all
the black curtains and furniture.
Little help, CGI Vin?

CGI VIN releases a cloud of what looks like FIREFLIES

because OKAY YOU GOT IT BY NOW.
KAREN GILLAN
Not so fast! I, RoboPond, will--

(blasted by Bautistazooka)
ZOE SALDANA
Wow, nice shot Dave! Can I hang
onto that for my inevitable final
showdown with Karen?
DAVE BAUTISTA
Let me think about that a whole
bunch no.

EXT. XANDAR
LEE orders his FLYING WHATEVERTHEFUCKS to start DIVE-BOMBING
the CITY!

GLENN CLOSE
Oh shit! Evacuate the city! But be
sure to leave a few dozen people
behind to witness the final epic
showdown.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Quick everyone! Shoot the bad guys
before they kill innocent
civilians! And ESPECIALLY shoot
them before we start reminding
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

GLENN CLOSE (contd)

anyone of any horrific current
events! This is popcorn escapism
dammit!!

INT. LEES EVIL SHIP OF EVIL

CHRIS, BAUTISTA, and CGI VIN take on DJIMON and some
WHATEVERTHEFUCKS while ZOE sneaks into a security room and
must face KAREN!

KAREN GILLAN
Ha! Ive zapped you and made your
skeleton glow! Thats gotta hurt,
right?

ZOE SALDANA
Strangely it has no effect at all.
Now I kick you!
KAREN GILLAN
AARRRRRGHHHHH THERE WAS NO DEFENCE
AGAINST THAT
KAREN falls out of LEES SHIP but lands on a PIRATE SHIP
which she commandeers!
KAREN GILLAN
Im not out of this fight yet!
(fucks off)
ZOE SALDANA
Phew! Ive opened the
super-reinforced blast door for the
others. Now I can shoot my way
through the totally-not-reinforced
floor and join them! Guess we all
could have come this way.

INT. LEES EVIL BRIDGE OF EVIL

LEE PACE
Stupid Nova Corps and their stupid
blockade! Oh wait, I can shoot
massive bursts of deadly energy.
(blasts Nova Corps)
Now I can crush your damaged fleet
against empty air!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

NOVA GUY WHO WAS IN SHAUN OF THE DEAD

WHY IS THERE NO REVERSE ON THIS
GODDAMN THING
(dies)

CHRIS PRATT
NOOOOO! Taste the wrath of CGI
Bradleys ubergun, dickface!!
(shoots Lee, uselessly)
Fuck, that did nothing. Maybe I
should fight Goth with Goth,
wheres Lego Batman?
DAVE BAUTISTA
I know! Ill run at Lee full force
and attempt to bludgeon him with my
fists! Because that worked so well
the last time I tried it when he
was about 1/10th as powerful!
CGI BRADLEY COOPER
( kamikazaiing ship into
bridge)
HANG ON DAVE I KNOW LEE PACE IS
STRONGER AND TOUGHER THAN YOU BUT
IM GONNA CRASH INTO YOU BOTH AND
HOPE IT WORKS OUT!!!!!
Somehow CGI BRADLEY gets NOBODY KILLED! However LEES SHIP
is disabled and about to crash! CGI VIN makes himself into a
GIANT BALL around our heroes.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

No Vin! This will kill you!
CGI VIN DIESEL
We are Vin.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

"This is a Marvel movie and no one
ever really stays dead so see you
in about 20 minutes"? Phew! I was
actually getting worried there for
a moment!

They CRASH to the ground! Everything is fragged except LEE,

CHRIS, ZOE, BAUTISTA, CGI BRADLEY, and of course CHRISS
ADAMANTIUM-INFUSED TAPE DECK which keeps playing music
despite not having POWER or SPEAKERS.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

CGI BRADLEY COOPER

Wow, I just survived two crash
landings in three minutes. What are
the odds?!?

LEE PACE
Rarrrgh, now I shall claim victory
by blowing up this entire planet,
with me on it! Im sure Ill
survive the blast, leaving myself
adrift in space with no ship or
fleet or means of communication.
(pause)
Look assholes, Im the Accuser, not
the Thinker-Aheader.

(with grand gesture)

ATTENTION, XANDAR!! BEHOLD, YOUR
PATHETIC "DEFENDERS" HAVE... huh?
Sorry, YOUR SO-CALLED "NEW
WARRIORS" HAVE FAI... No? OBSERVE,
YOUR PUNY "WEST COAST AVENG...
ah... okay, what the fuck is your
team name again?
CHRIS PRATT
(dancing)
Its "Randy Jackson Presents the
Galaxys Best Dance Crew",
pie-hole!
(moonwalks)

(does Ickey Shuffle)

(Hammer-dances)
(backs the bus up)

LEE PACE
Am I really supposed to delay
killing everyone for this?
But BAUTISTA shoots LEES STAFF with CGI BRADLEYS GUN!
CHRIS grabs the INFINITY STONE and begins experiencing the
HYPER-ECZEMA OF IMMINENT VIOLENT DEATH!!
ZOE SALDANA
(appearing as Chriss mother)
Quick, take my hand!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

CHRIS PRATT
Wow, this would have been really
awkward had we actually slept
together.
He takes ZOES HAND and manages to SHARE the power with her,
along with DAVE and CGI BRADLEY and they use the power to
kill LEE.

LEE PACE
Poserrrrrrrrrrrsssssssssss
(is obliterated)
They WIN!

INT. NOVA CORPS HQ

JOHN C. REILLY
Well weve fixed up your ship and
patched up your hurt. Oh, and we
noticed your DNA is part alien. But
I guess the mystery of your
parentage will have to wait for
another day...

CHRIS PRATT
Mystery? Obviously Michael Rooker
is my Dad. He called himself
"pretty as an angel", and Mom said
my father was "pretty as an angel".
You think thats just a
coincidence?
JOHN C. REILLY
Er, but, maybe its Loki! Everyone
loves Loki.

CHRIS PRATT
Plus theres angel ornament Rooker
bought. And the crew complaining he
was always soft on me. Sure he said
my Dad hired him but its kinda
strange this unseen client never
showed up demanding his son back...
JOHN C. REILLY
Look smartass, its our hook for
the sequel. You wanna spell out the
plan for Marvel Phase Three while
youre at it?
(pause)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

No really, can you? Is Fillion

gonna be Guardian in Alpha Flight?
Please say yes.

INT. CHRISS REBUILT SHIP

CHRIS opens his MOMS GIFT and it proves to be ANOTHER MIX
TAPE!
CHRIS PRATT
Oh thank GOD. Listening to the same
twelve songs for the last 26 years
was driving me fucking insane.
(goes to bridge)
Now off to our next thrilling
adventure!!
VIN DIESEL
Adventure? Maybe for you guys. I
spent one goddamn day in a sound
booth.

END

EXT. PRE-CREDITS BONUS SCENE - CHRISS SHIP

DANCING BABY CGI VIN

I am your Christmas present!
END

INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE - BENNYS PLACE

HOWARD THE DUCK
We already said to skip this part,
asshole.

END