Martina Cowen

Death of a Salesman Biff

Dad thinks Im a loser. Im not saying hes wrong, but Dad thinks Im a loser. I come back from

Texas, and its great to see Mom and Happy again after all this time. But as soon as Dad walks in the

door hes telling Mom how much of a loser I am. He might think I cant hear him from my room, but

I hear every word. I cant get on with that man any more. I remember the days when I used to

idolise him. Hap and I would almost worship the ground he walked on. I wanted to be like him so

much make him proud. Then I grew up and realised that Dads a master of pretending

pretending to be something hes not, pretending that everything is ok, pretending to love Mom. I

hate how he speaks to her. She deserves so much better. Shes so good to him, damn it, and he

takes her for granted. I can hear her telling him to cut me some slack. He doesnt care. All he can

see is that Im wasting my life away. He wants me to be a salesman like him. If I dont live up to his

standards, all I am is a waste of space. Im lying here in bed, in the same room as Happy as Dads

words drift up to our room: Biff is a lazy bum! Ill never be good enough for him.

Happy is awake and smoking a cigarette. I am sort of jealous of him. Hes my little brother and yet

hes achieved more than me and he seems so much more confident than I am. All the girls flock to

him. Its hard not to be jealous sometimes. Happy is worried about Dad. Dad keeps smashing the

car up. He thinks hes losing it. I dont know what to think. I can hear Dad talking to himself. I block

it out. Happy and I start to talk about old times. I miss that sometimes. Happy asks me where my

confidence has gone. I know exactly where its gone. I ask Happy why Dad mocks me all the time.

He starts talking about how something is happening to Dad. Apparently its my fault. Well, not my

fault but it gets worse whenever Im around. I dont know what Dad wants from me. I dont know

what I want. Im not getting anywhere with the life Im leading at the moment. So, I came home but

I still dont know what to do with my life. All Ive done is waste my life, when thats exactly what I

didnt want to do. Sometimes I think it would be good to settle down find myself a wife, get into

business like Dad wants. Maybe Id be content then. Happy seems to be living up to his name

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making money, but when I ask him, he tells me hes not. Hes lonely even with all the women he

scores. We could do so much if we worked together. We could go to Texas together and buy a

ranch! Happy seems into the idea at first, but then he changes his mind. He wants to show

everyone in the business that hes just as good or better than them, and hes bored of scoring all the

women hes been with. Hes not happy with his life either. I think Ill go and see Bill Oliver. Im sure

hell remember me. He explicitly told me that if I ever need anything that I should come to him. If

he can loan me some money I could buy a ranch and work for myself. My only worry is that Oliver

might remember the incident with the basketballs. Happy seems to think Im being silly. To be fair,

Oliver did trust me. Im sure its fine. We can still hear Dad talking to himself downstairs. Well, he

appears to be talking to me I wonder what Mom thinks. Happy doesnt want me to leave again.

He says Dad is becoming an embarrassment. Hes more than an embarrassment. Hes selfish. He

only ever thinks about himself. Happy and I go to bed. I fall asleep listening to Dads rambling.

As I fall asleep I think Dads talking has got into my head I dream of days of the past, simonizing the

car. He was always so proud of the way I did it. One time, Dad bought us a punching bag signed by

Gene Tunney as a surprise. Now that I think back, Happy was always pretty obsessed with losing

weight. Im not sure how healthy that was. He always wanted to impress Dad that way. I wasnt a

good student. I was good at sports. Thinking about it, I wasnt just bad academically, I was bad

behaviorally too. I stole that football didnt I? Perhaps thats where it all started. Dad was always

away. I missed him when he was gone. I used to idolize him so damn much. He had all this

ambition and would drill it into us how important it was to be well liked. He was so deluded, and I

believed in him. I should have listened to Bernard. I shouldnt have flunked math. Its too late for

should haves now. Dad was always pretending to be something he wasnt. He knew things werent

going well but he was always in denial, and poor Mom was left worrying about it all. He never

treated her right. She loved him so much. To her he was the best man in the world. She deserved

so much better than him. While she was home, fixing her stockings, he was off seeing someone else.

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I dont care if he was lonely. Ill never forgive him. Happy wanted to know where my confidence

went. The moment I found out who Dad really was I just gave up. Life went downhill from there.

Uncle Charley looks out for Dad. I know he can see that somethings not right. Theres always been

competition between the two of them, but I know Dads always relied on Uncle Charley even if he

likes to make out that he was the smarter of the two. I can hear them playing cards downstairs. I

hear Uncle Charley offer Dad a job. Hes too proud to take it of course. He cant just admit when he

needs help. I can hear them arguing downstairs. Dad can be so stubborn and rude sometimes.

From the fragments on the conversation I hear, its as if Dad is having two different conversations at

once. Did he mention Ben? He did. Hes talking to Ben. Uncle Ben died a few weeks ago. Is he

really this out of his mind? Dad always worshipped his brother, much like I used to worship Dad.

Ben, who was a much older brother, was like a father figure to Dad, his own father being absent his

whole life. Mom never liked Ben. He was a very intense man, but he was rarely around and when

he was, Dad would beg him to stay and tell us about his success in the jungle and about their father.

I think Mom was scared of Ben. He always made Dad feel inferior and was pretty rough with Happy

and me. But Dad really looked up to him. It was like Ben was everything Dad wanted to be but

wasnt. He was always seeking his approval. That story about Africa? Dad loved that. Its what he

aspired to. What a stupid thing to aspire to.

Ive had enough. I go and talk to Mom about Dad. Shes fixing Dads coat. Shes so good like that.

She tells me not to worry and that itll pass by morning. I wish I could have been around more for

her. She repeats what Happy has said that Dad is worse when Im around. How is that supposed

to make me feel? She doesnt like that Dad and I fight all the time. She wishes I had more stability in

my life. She wants me to get on better with Dad, or else she wont have me in the house. She looks

so old. Her hair is gray. I dont remember her looking this old. Worrying about Dad is taking its toll

on her. I want to tell her what happened all those years ago. I want her to understand why I cant

look Dad in the eye any more. But if I do, I know itll break her. I cant do that to her. Mom gets

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angry when I call Dad crazy, but what else can he be? Hes talking to himself, hes crashing the car. I

dont want to upset Mom. She reveals that Dad had his salary taken away. Those bastards took

away his salary. But Mom says that Happy and I are just as bad, not caring about his well-being

unless hes giving us something. Charley is giving Dad money. I knew it. Mom is so upset. I cant

stand it. I promise her Ill stay here and get a job and try and take the weight off Dad. I just cant

talk to him. She doesnt understand. She doesnt know the half of it, and I cant tell her, and its

torture. Then she tells me something that makes me realise just how bad it is. Dads trying to kill

himself. Thats why he keeps crashing the car. Mom says she found a plastic tube in the cellar. Im

in denial, but even I can see how serious this is. I feel so bad for Mom. This must be so hard for her.

Ill try my best to make it work in business and bring some stability both to my own life and to Mom

and Dads. Happy doesnt think I can do it. He doesnt think Im cut out for it. You know what? Im

not. But at least I admit that instead of pretending Im something Im not like Dad does. Hes not

cut out to be a businessman. We work well with our hands. Why deny that? Theres nothing wrong

with a job like that. As soon as Dad comes back in the room, we start fighting again. He thinks Im

insulting him. I try and keep calm and tell him about how Im going to see Bill Oliver, but he doesnt

fully understand and I get angry again. Happy interjects with a brilliant idea. We can be partners.

Its perfect. Dads snapping at Mom again. I hate how he treats her. I stand up for her and Dad gets

angry again. But I wont have it. He leaves and Mom is upset with me again. I hate to see her so

enraptured with Dad when hes so cruel again. Ill see Bill Oliver tomorrow. Dad has high hopes for

me. I hope I can meet them.

Dad, Happy and I are meeting for dinner after Ive seen Bill Loman. Hopefully well have something

to celebrate. When I call Mom I can sense that she and Dad have been arguing about money and

work again. I know how much Mom wants him to get a job in New York. He shouldnt have to travel

at his age. Mom seems excited when she tells me that Dads removed the pipe from the cellar, but

she seems crestfallen when I tell her it was me. I am still waiting to see Bill Oliver. Im not so sure

this was a good idea. No one takes me seriously. No one takes Dad seriously either, no matter how

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much he tried to drill into us that he was well liked in the business world. I know him. Hes going to

go and ask his boss to keep him in New York and hes going to be laughed at. Dadll beg, like the

weak man he is, and itll make it worse. He thinks just because hes been in the business for years

that theyll listen to him. Hes a babbling old fool who keeps smashing up his car. Howard is not

going to want him in the business regardless of how much his father liked Dad. But that wont stop

Dad from trying. You know what Dads problem is? Hes so obsessed with being a success like Ben.

He cant be happy just being himself. He has to be like his brother. Hes living in the past, regretting

that he didnt go to Alaska with Ben. He feels that if hed gone then hed have been a success too.

Mom hated Ben. Perhaps Dad blames Mom for not wanting him to go to Alaska. Maybe thats why

he snaps at her so much.

That last football game was supposed to be the start of the rest of my life. I was so excited. I was

going to make Dad proud. I should have listened to Bernard. I never did, just like Dad never listened

to Uncle Charley. Now look at Bernard. Hes a successful lawyer. Now think about it. Who had the

right idea? Why are Dad and I so stubborn? While Im sitting in this office waiting for Bill Oliver to

give me the time of day, Bernard is living his life a successful man. Dads career is going down the

drain and he still wont let Charley help him. Hes too obstinate. I know Dad blames himself for my

lack of success. He should blame himself. I could have gone to summer school to retake that class

but I couldnt. I just couldnt. And its because of what Dad did. I was never the same after Boston.

I couldnt face being home after that. When I finally did go back I burned my University of Virginia

sneakers. It was symbolic. I wasnt just burning the sneakers. I was burning that part of me that

ever believed in myself, because everything I believed in had been a lie. I had a fist fight with

Bernard that day. I was so angry. With Dad. With myself. I had to get it out of my system. Dad

probably wishes I was like Bernard. Well, maybe if Dad had been more like Uncle Charley then I

might have been.

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I can see Happy sitting at the restaurant table just before 6pm. Dad isnt here yet. I cant face him. I

dont know what to say to him. Happy is flirting with some girl as usual. Hes trying to set me up

with her. I dont want this. Hes telling her Im some famous football player. Is this how he lives his

life? Hes just like Dad pretending hes something hes not. I am fed up of pretending to be

something Im not. I tell Happy what happened at Bill Olivers today. I feel so embarrassed. I was

never a salesman for him. I was a shipping clerk. He didnt remember me. Six hours I waited for

that man. He might as well have laughed in my face. So what did I do? I did what I do best I stole

from him. I took his fountain pen. I cant tell Dad. He wont understand. He was so happy when he

thought I was going to make something of myself, and Dad being happy makes Mom happy. Happy

wants me to fake it. Tell Dad Im seeing Oliver again tomorrow. I dont know if I can. I need a drink.

I try and tell Dad the truth but he wont have it. He wont let me talk. Happy isnt helping the

situation. I panic. I see a flashback to the day I flunked math. I was so upset. I wanted to talk to

Dad. Bernard rushed home to tell Mom of course. I went all the way to Boston because I needed to

talk to the one man I thought could make it all better. I tell Dad about taking Olivers pen and hes

shocked. Hes so distressed that I cant take it anymore. I tell him Olivers thinking it over but Im

scared hell be angry about the pen. What if he remembers I stole those basketballs when I worked

for him? Dad is getting angry. He thinks Im spiting him. He hits me. I am nothing. Im just a waste

of space. A thief. A good for nothing. Happys girl brings her friend over. I need to relax. Her friend

starts talking about being on jury duty and asks if weve ever been on a jury. I jokingly say No, but I

been in front of them! If only they knew the truth behind those words. Dad has gone to the

bathroom. Im still getting flashbacks but Im trying so hard to ignore them. All Happy cares about is

scoring a girl. I show him the pipe I took from the cellar. He doesnt give a damn. Dads going to kill

himself and he doesnt care. All he cares about is girls. I want to help Dad but I cant. I can barely

look him in the eye. Every time I do I remember knocking on his hotel door in Boston, wanting him

to console me, and hearing that womans laughter. He tried to deny it but I knew as soon as I saw

her. He gave her stockings, the bastard. He gave her brand new stockings while Mom mended the

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ladders in her old ones, concerned about money. When I saw that woman, and saw Dad trying to

cover it up, once again pretending to be something hes not, everything I thought was true

evaporated. I gave up. I gave up on Dad. I gave up on myself. He lied about everything. He lied

about himself and he lied about me I was never destined for greatness. Im destined to be

nothing, just like him. I cant stand it anymore I run out of the restaurant and Happy and his

entourage follow me out. I push Dad to the back of my mind.

Weve bought flowers for Mom. She deserves flowers. When we get home she is livid. She knocks

the flowers out of Happys hands. She cant believe we left him alone in the restaurant. I cant

believe we did that either. Happy is spewing nonsense, making excuses, not taking responsibility for

what we did. I tell him to shut up. He disappears upstairs. Mom is shouting at me because I didnt

check to see if Dad was ok. She calls me a louse. Shes finally getting it. I am a louse. The scum of

the earth. I need to talk to Dad but Mom wont have it. I can hear him in the garden. When I ask

Mom what hes doing out there she starts getting upset. I know she doesnt understand whats

going on and shes scared. The poor womans husband is losing his marbles and she doesnt know

what to do. Hes in the garden planting seeds. I go outside. Hes talking to Ben again. Hes lost his

mind. Hes talking about Mom suffering. Hes talking about insurance I think. Twenty thousand? I

cant understand what hes saying. Hes talking about me and how he wishes I didnt hate him. I

need to leave this place. Hes like this because of me. I tell him Im leaving. I dont want a fight. I

just want to leave on good terms but he wont come inside with me to tell Mom. Why doesnt he

want to see her? We go inside. I try to get Dad to shake my hand but he wont. He keeps going on

about me seeing Bill Oliver tomorrow. I dont know what to do. Dad cant see what I really am. If I

ever make anything of myself Ill send it all back to him, but for now I have to leave. He thinks Im

doing this because I hate him when that couldnt be further from the truth. WHAT DOES HE WANT

FROM ME? This is about me it was always about me, not about him. Ive had enough. I pull out

the rubber piping and lay it on the kitchen table for everyone to see. He cant even look at it. I cant

stand that he would do that to this family. If he kills himself he would get no pity from me. Im fed

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up of all the lies in this house. Everything comes spilling out. Happy doesnt have the job he tells

people he has. But me, Im another story. Im no businessman, I never will be. All I am is a thief. I

see Moms face fall when I tell her I had no address for three months because I was in jail. Ive

stolen from every job Ive ever had. The reason? Because Dad lied to me about everything, and put

so much pressure on me to be this big shot when thats not who I am. I dont want to become

anyone I dont want to be. I realized that today. Im nothing special, neither is Dad. He needs to

stop expecting me to be someone Im not and accept me for who I am. But he wont accept it. All

he can see is the spite he thinks Im showing him. I dont hate him. I never hated him. I love him.

Hes my Dad. I just cant pretend to be anything but me anymore. I break down. I cant take any

more and go to my room. I hope everything is going to be ok. I dont know what dark place Dad

goes to when he talks to himself but I want him to be alright. Mom is calling to him from upstairs.

A crashing sound fills the air and echoes through all of our hearts.

I dont think Mom could understand Dads death. In her mind, he should have been happy. They

would have been ok. But he was always struggling. He was never who he wanted to be. Happy is

determined to pick up where he left off and prove that Willy Loman was number one. He doesnt

get it. I dont think he ever will. Mom cant comprehend this. She shouldnt have to go through

this. Theres no one home. Their mortgage is paid off and theres no one home. They should have

been happy. They could have been if Dad had accepted who he was. He didnt need to be like Ben.

If he had been himself things would have been different.