IFAWCETTi

ISAAC [ CREST
X2841$1.75
J

ASIMOV
^^ 100 original limericks ^^
by the bestselling author of
THE SENS^QUS DIRTY OLD MAN
BoldlyWustrated
 A TASTE OF LECHEROUS LIMERICKS

How bitter was Joseph's existence

When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her
She was simply a piece de resistance.

There was a young woman named Susan

Who found it completely amusin
9

To make love to three men

Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.

A woman who lived in St. Paul

Had breasts undeniably small
Her husband growled, "Dear,
Why not burn your brassiere?
It's fulfilling no function at all."
Fawcctt Crest and Premier Books
by Isaac Asimov:

THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book One

THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book Two
PEBBLE IN THE SKY
THE STARS, LIKE DUST
THE CURRENTS OF SPACE
THE CAVES OF STEEL
THE END OF ETERNITY
THE MARTIAN WAY
THE NAKED SUN
EARTH IS ROOM ENOUGH
NINE TOMORROWS
NIGHTFALL
THE GODS THEMSELVES
THE BEST OF ISAAC ASIMOV
LECHEROUS LIMERICKS
REALM OF ALGEBRA
REALM OF NUMBERS

And these anthologies

edited by Isaac Asimov:

THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume I

STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume II
MORE STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume III
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 1
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 2
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 3
X/echerous
Xyimericks

by Isaac Asimov

With Illustrations by Mort Gerberg

A FAWCETT CREST BOOK

Fawcett Publications, Inc., Greenwich, Connecticut

LECHEROUS LIMERICKS

THIS BOOK CONTAINS THE COMPLETE TEXT OF THE

ORIGINAL HARDCOVER EDITION.

A Fawcett Crest Book reprinted by arrangement with

Walker Publishing Company, Inc.

Copyright 1975 by Isaac Asimov

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or

portions thereof in any form.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 75-7922

Printed in the United States of America

First printing: May 1976

123456789 10
r
o my wife
the doctor
 NTRODUCTION

The limerick is a stylized verse form and is as me-

ticulously structured as the sonnet. Consider the limi-
tations as far as theform alone is concerned:
1. must consist of five lines: no more, no less,
It

2. The rhyme scheme must be a, a, b, b, a. That is,

the first, second, and fifth lines must rhyme. The third
and fourth lines must rhyme also, but they must have
a different rhyme from that of the first, second, and
fifth lines.

3. The first, second, and fifth lines must consist of

three feet each; that is, each must contain three
stressed syllables. The third and fourth lines must con-
sist of two. This means there must be thirteen feet to
the limerick
no more, no less distributed among
the lines exactly as I have indicated.
4. The typical foot of the limerick is an anapest.
That is, it consists of two unstressed syllables followed
by a stressed one: dih-dih-DAH. All thirteen feet of
the limerick can be anapests, but it is quite usual for

(6)
one or two of the initial feet in the lines to be iambic;
that is, to consist of one unstressed syllable followed
by a stressed one: dih-DAH.
5. The rhyme may be masculine, involving a single

syllable such as "main" and "plain"; or it may be fem-

inine, using two or even three syllables, such as "mea-
sure" and "treasure" or "healthier" and "wealthier."
Therefore, the last foot in a line may be dih-dih-DAH,
dih-dih-DAH-dih, or even dih-dih-DAH-dih-dih. The
two different sets of rhymes in the limerick can be ei-
ther both masculine, both feminine, or one masculine
and one feminine.
With all this in mind, here is the rhythm of a typical
limerick:

dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih

dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih

If you want to see what this rhythm is in words,

here is a limerick (not mine, alas) containing the pre-
cise rhythm given above:

(7)
 A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste
In the place of petroleum jelly.

(8)
 It is conventional to indent the third and fourth
lines, both because they are shorter than the other
three and because it is convenient to emphasize that
there is a change in rhyme for those two.

What is just as important as the metrical rigidity of

the limerick is the nature of its content,
1. The limerick must represent a complete story,
with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This, in itself,

is a neat trick considering that the longest legitimate

limerick can only have forty-nine syllables and that it

can be as short as thirty-four syllables. The limerick I

have quoted above tells the tale of the appalling mis-
fortune that overcame two young lovers and does it
completely in forty syllables.
2. The limerick must be humorous; that is, if it is

to be a real limerick, and not merely a set of lines that

justhappen to have the limerick form. For instance, in
The Yeoman of the Guard, W. S. Gilbert includes a
song that begins as follows:

A man who would woo a fair maid

Should 'prentice himself to the trade.
He should study all day
In methodical way
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.

As far as rhyme and meter are concerned, this is a

perfect limerick but only as far as those are con-
cerned. It is neither complete nor funny; nor, to do
Gilbert justice, was it intended to be, in itself, either
complete or funny.

(9)
 :

3. At least part of the humor should be expressed

by the cleverness or unexpectedness of the rhymes.
Here, for instance, is a limerick that I recently made
up for the Gilbert and Sullivan Society of New York
(of which I am a member)

A certain unmusical Persian

Had a curious sort of perversion.
He thought that the part
That was words was by Art
And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.

This an "in" limerick and not for general con-

is

sumption, because only the Gilbert and Sullivan fa-

natics would know at once that "Art" was Sir Arthur
Sullivan; and that to think that the libretto of the great
operettas was by Sullivan and the music by Gilbert
was the ultimate in perversion of all that is holy and
proper.
Yet even a profound Gilbert-and-Sullivanian, hear-
ing the initial rhymes of "Persian" and "perversion"
would not be likely to guess that I was holding "Gil-
bertian" in reserve.
Naturally, rhymes of this sort cannot be used in
serious poetry because they elicit laughter in them-
selves and can therefore only be used in comic verse.
It follows from this that the limerick is not, and is

never intended to be, serious poetry. In fact, so firmly

has the limerick established itself as comic verse, that
any poet attempting to write serious poetry in the lim-
erick meter, even if he used only the most somber of

rhymes, or no rhymes at all, would find it difficult to

(10)
be taken seriously. The dih-dih-DAH, dih-dih-DAH
of the limerick has swallowed up gravity completely.
4. The humor should be vulgar and should deal
with actions and words concerning which society pre-
tends nonexistence reproduction, excretion, and so
on. This is not an absolute requirement and you can,
indeed, have "clean" limericks. My limerick about the
unmusical Persian is an example. Clean limericks,
however, lack flavor, like vanilla ice cream or pound
cake. They are perfectly edible, but, to my taste, are
tame, flat, and unsatisfying.
The "vulgar" limerick (usually called the "dirty"
limerick) has its value because to the humor of rhyme
and the challenge of metrical rigidity it adds the relief
of release. You can relax, for the space of some two
score syllables, the bonds of social decorum that hold
you in thrall most of the time. The sad tale of the hon-
eymoon couple named Kelly is an example of com-
pletely successful vulgarity.
5. Many limericks end the first line with a proper
noun, of either a person or a place. Such proper nouns
come in all kinds ofsound patterns and give you a
starting platform. You then need to find only two
rhymes to it. If the proper noun is difficult to rhyme,
the limerick becomes an exercise in ingeniuty. Here,
for instance, is a limerick {not my own) that goes:

A woman who lived on Antigua

Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!"
He answered, "My queen,
Is it manner you mean?
Or do you refer to my figure?"

(11)
 As rhymes don't look very good. When
written, the
recited, however, the words can be slurred in such a

way that they become excellent and hilariously un-
expected. This makes the limerick satisfactory, for,
ideally, the limerick should be recited, and the written
form is merely a guide to minimize forgetfulness.
Sometimes, the directions for the spoken version are
made explicit in the written version as when the last
words of two and five in the limerick above are
lines
written "pigua" and "figua."

This sort of misspelling is permissible, but it should

be used very parsimoniously. can be insulting to the
It

reader, and it can degenerate into a cheap snatch at

orthographic humor.
6. Many limericks start off: 'There was a young

woman
" (or old man, young man, old woman,
of
and many other variations). Here is a limerick (not
mine) of this type:

There was a young lady of Yap

With pimples all over her map.
But in her interstices
There lurked a far worse disease
That is commonly known as the clap.

This is complete, vulgar, and contains one of the

cleverest rhymes I have come across: "interstices" and
"worse disease." And yet the limerick falls short of
perfection because the clever rhyme comes in the third
and fourth lines. The laugh comes there and the fifth
line verges on the anticlimactic.

(12)
 Let me though, that the line of a
limer-
ick need not be "There
stress,

was a young woman of " and

first

the end of the first line need not be a proper noun. Let
the other requirements be fulfilled, and these first line
failures are forgiven and, indeed, are not even no-
ticed.

As I said earlier, limericks should be recited. Well

recited, they are funnier than they can possibly be in
cold print but there are precautions you must take.
For heaven's sake, don't recite a limerick unless
1.

you are sure you are syllable perfect. If you forget and
stop, all value is lost. If you forget and improvise and
come out with a syllable too few or too many, the ef-
fect is greatly weakened.
2. In reciting the limerick, emphasize the rhythm
and rhyme You're not supposed to do
just a little bit.
this in reading serious poetry, but a limerick isn't
serious poetry. By proper emphasis you get across the
humorous aspects of the limerick more efficiently. It

helps in this respect if each line ends at a natural

pause, if the words do not "run on" without a natural
pause from one line to the next.
3. I have my own private feeling that a limerick
should be occasionally sung, if you have the voice for
it. Limericks are an Anglo-American tradition, and so
are comic songs, and why not combine the two? My
own favorite tune for limericks is the one to which the
Gilbertian"A man who would woo a fair maid" is
sung (may the shade of Sullivan forgive me!). If you
don't know the tune, any Gilbert and Sullivan addict
will teach it to you.

(13)
 4. If you do sing a limerick, don't sing too many of
them, for the tune will pall. Indeed, don't recite too
many them at one time, for the whole thing will
of
pall. The most effective limerick is almost always the

one you recite first. The funniest limerick in the world

will get no more than a snicker if it comes fifth.

I mentioned, the limerick as an Anglo-

earlier,
American have no doubt that limericks
tradition. I
can be written in almost any language, but I have the
feeling that no language other than English can create
the limerick as easily, as numerously, or as humorous-
iy.

The form and meter are so rigid means

fact that the
that the story you want to tell must be shuffled a bit,
adjusted, molded, shaped. A syllable must be added
here and dropped there. The result is that you must be
ready at all times with a set of synonyms and substi-
tute phrases.
As it happens, English has the largest vocabulary of
any language. It is strongly idiomatic and has an al-
most anarchically loose spelling and grammar. All
this means that English is precisely the kind of triple-
jointed language you need for endless adjustment until,
finally, it folds up neady into the five-line, two-rhyme

limerick.

Finally, where do / come into all this?

Well, I am a limericist. There's no such word, as far

as I know. I have coined it myself, and it means, as is

obvious, "one who writes limericks." I've been doing

it for many years, but recently it fell into my head to

(14)
start writing them down and finally (when I had made
up enough of them) to have a collection of them pub-
lished.
As far as I know there has been no collection of lim-
ericks by a single author (other than those of Edward
Lear, who started the craze) ever published. In fact,
most successful limericks are of disputed or even
anonymous authorship. Let me be the first then to pro-
duce a sizable book of completely original limericks
(barring always accidental or subconscious duplica-
tions in part).
The limericks included in this book, let me say at
once, are vulgar, and almost them are concerned
all of
with sex. If you are going to be offended by "dirty"

limericks, please put the book down it is not my

wish to offend you.
However, there is vulgar and vulgar. A limerick
can be merely vulgar without being clever. It can
reach for shock value only, be more unpleasant than it
has to be, repellent or even nauseating.
I have tried never to overstep the bounds I have set
myself. If my limericks are vulgar, they are light-
hearted and never more vulgar than they have to be.
Most of all, I earnestly trust that each limerick is more
clever and witty than it is vulgar, and that is what
counts. I can't hope to please each reader with each
and every limerick, but my gamble is that almost
every reader will find at least a large portion of the
limericks amusing. I'll settle for that.
I have taken the liberty, by the way, of adding titles
to each limerick. This is not commonly done, but why
not? It would be a way of identifying the individual

(15)


ones, and, with luck, it may even add to the humor. I

have also added footnotes where necessary, to explain
a usage, point out a flaw, or give an account of origin.
One last plea

Don't try to read the book at a sitting. Just read till

you feel yourself stop laughing. Then put it aside and

try it again after at least a twenty-four-hour rest. The
book will seem funnier, and will also last longer that
way.

(16)
Xvecherous
X-/imericks

(17)
DARKEST BEFORE DAWN
There was a sweet girl of Decatur
Who went to sea on a freighter.
She was screwed by the master
An
utter disaster
But the crew all made up for it later.
 This one marked the beginning. I composed it

on board the Queen Elizabeth II when returning

from a visit to Great Britain in June, 1974. When
I recited it, everyone at the table laughed. Since
that time I have been writing down limericks. I

wasn't going to let myself forget them and lose

laughs.
Notice, by the way, the use of the term
screwed. In these permissive times, we all know
that the word fucked can be freely used and print-
ed. However, as a matter of principle, I always
use a less vulgar word or phrase in place of a
more vulgar one when the humor is not affected.

(19)
 RUSTRATION

There was a young woman of Sydney

Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied, didney?

(20)
 The first twd* lines were given me as a challenge
by the writer Lin Carter at a meeting of the Trap
Door Spiders, a club to which we both belong. I
completed it in just a few minutes, getting that
crucial last rhyme (which is "didn't he?" in full)
at once. Don Bensen, another member of the
Trap Door Spiders and a crackerjack limericist in
his own right, suggested the use of the name Al-
phonse, in place of a more tortured rhyming con-
struction that I had. The mons is, of course, the
mons Veneris, which is the padded region just
above the vagina*

(21)
 NDEPENDENCE

A woman from South Philadelphia

Once found herself left on the shelfia.
No one wanted her wares
But she muttered, "Who cares?"
And cheerfully played with herselfia.

(22)
 Limericks feed on themselves. I start quoting a
few, and then I am likely to be challenged. At a
librarian's convention, I got a few laughs and
then the beautiful blonde wife of one of my pub-
lishers dared me to base it on her place of birth,
Philadelphia. The above is the result (though the
fictional woman of the limerick has nothing in
common with the gorgeous damsel who elicited
it).

She asked for by the way, because she ex-

it,

pected no rhymes for Philadelphia, and of course

I could supply none. However, I could make up a

few. It's not a good idea, in general, to make use

of non-words for the sake of the rhyme, but some-
times you can get away with it as I think I did
here.

(23)
 4

HE DANGERS OF DRINK

There was a young man from Poughkeepsie

Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy,

Would whip out his tool

And attack, like a fool,
Any girl who was breasty and hipsy.

At the annual banquet of the Baker Street Ir-

regulars (a group of Sherlock Holmes enthusi-
asts, of which I am a member) on January 10,

1975, I recited the limerick on Philadelphia to

the delight of one of the men at the table who was
from that city. Whereupon another man at the
table who felt his own hometown slighted, said,
"How about Poughkeepsie?" Well, why not?

(24)
 rOOK, EVERYBODY!

A certain young fellow named Vaughn

Once felt irresistibly drawn
To exhibiting fun
That involved more than one
So he screwed his best girl on the lawn.

"Vaughan" is pronounced in such a way as to

rhyme with "drawn" and "lawn," of course.
There is a tendency to want to write the two
rhyme words as "draughan" and "laughan" there-
fore, and, indeed, when I first wrote down the
limerick, that is exactly what I did. On further
consideration, however, I decided that the mis-
spelling adds nothing to the recited limerick, and
adds a moment of confusion to the reading of the
written one. The trifle of fun at the misspelling
isn't worth it, I think.

(25)
7jHE LAST STRAW

A man from the small Isle of Wight

Once went on a jar eclipse flight.
The weather was bad
Girls were not to be had
And the Moon veered away out of spite.

(26)
 I was discussing the possibility of arranging a
some far-flung portion
cruise to see an eclipse in
of the ocean, and there was naturally talk about
the chance of bad weather. There were astron-
omers among us, so I recited the above, adjusting
it to the audience. There were three catastrophes,
you see. First, the weather was bad. Second, one
could not find sexual consolation, and I could see
that all the astronomers felt that was worse than
bad weather but what could I find still worse
had paused after the fourth line
for the last line. I
and let them wonder for a second and then recit-
ed the fifth line with an air of exasperation; and
the astronomers, recognizing that this had to be
worst of all, broke up.
The Isle of Wight is in the English Channel
just south of Southampton. It is only 147 square
miles in area, so it's fair to call it small.

(27)
 OPS ARE HUMAN, TOO

A certain hard-working young hooker

Was such an enchanting good-looker,
f
There were fights mongst the fuzz
Over whose turn it was
To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her.

(28)
 The same gibup referred to in connection with
Limerick 6 went to dinner at one of New York
City's classier hotels afterward, and there was
much despondent conversation over the level of
the prices. "Oh, well," said one of the gentlemen,
determined to look at the bright side, "I under-
stand the hookers here are very refined."
Well, to the true limericist almost any casual
comment isan invitation to go off into a brown
study, which means that you are working your
way through the alphabet searching for rhymes, I
ended with the limerick above, which cheered
them up somewhat.

(29)
 8

i?ETRIBUTION

There was a young man named Sam Stover

Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah.
She appeared on his lap
And gave him the clap
Now that sort of prayer is all over.

(30)
 Originally, I wrote this limerick around the
name of a personal and much-beloved friend of
mine; one of the best guys in the world. Every-
body laughed; he didn't. Well, my friend is worth
more to me than a million limericks, but I didn't
want to throw the limerick away either. So I
changed the name at the end of the first line.

(31)
D ON'T BACK OUT NOW
All was well with the Dowager Duchess
When trapped in the mad rapisfs clutches.
Till he turned on the light,

Took one look, said good night

So she hit him with one of her crutches.

n*~

(32)
 Note the economy of the limerick form. This is

a limerick version of a well-known joke about a

pogrom in a Russian town in the old days during
which a cossack burst into a house and an-
nounced his intention of raping every female in
the place. The young daughter of the house threw
herself forward and said, "Do as you please with
me but spare my poor maiden aunt." Whereupon
themaiden aunt pushed her aside and said, "Lis-
ten,who's running this pogrom, you or this nice
man?" Properly told, the joke can be made to last
half an hour. The limerick tells it in forty-one syl-
lables.

(33)
 10

ONVENEENT IN A PINCH

There was a young lady named Hunt

Who performed the unusual stunt
Of screwing by mail
When she was in jail
For she had a detachable cunt.

(34)
 I suppose it is obligatory to have one limerick
at least thatmakes use of the Anglo-Saxon term
for the female pudendum. The rhyme scheme
here offers no chance for cleverness masculine
throughout and as soon as the first line ends, any-
one over the age of ten knows exactly what the
last word in the limerick will be. With rhyme out

of the way, the value of the limerick lies entirely

in the grotesquerie of the image.
Incidentally, in doing the limerick, I hesitated
long over the third and fourth lines for which I
had the alternative:

Of screwing long distance

At her lover's insistence

The advantage was that the feminine rhyme

would slightly overcome the plainness of the
rhyme scheme; the disadvantage was that "screw-
ing by mail" was a far more colorful image than
"screwing long distance."
Incidentally, if you can improve on any of
these limericks, let me know. In a second (en-

larged?) edition, I may introduce changes with

credit. Please, however, consider improvements
only in the direction of increased cleverness of
rhyme or image and not in the direction of in-
creased vulgarity.

(35)
 11

o VERDOING IT

There was a young woman named Clare

Within genitals lacking in hair.

What caused this affliction

Was sexual friction
Which left them the worse for the wear.

(36)
 My first attempt at this limerick had the second
line read, "Whose vagina was lacking in hair." I
think that that is a much superior line but my
wife, a physician, on seeing the limerick wouldn't
allow it on anatomical grounds. To substitute
"genital regions" gave me too many syllables to
handle, so I compromised in a somewhat unsatis-
factory way, and tried the young woman a second
time in the limerick that follows.

(37)
 12

TWoDESTY VICTORIOUS

Another young woman named Clare

Would walk around perfectly bare,
Saying, "All that I show
Are my publics, you know,
For my privates are covered with hair."

(38)
 In using a personal name to initiate the rhyme
scheme, it is important to use one that is as sim-
ple and common as possible. The more nearly un-
usual (or even impossible) a name is, the more
clearly it is there only to serve as a third rhyme
for something that has no third rhyme, and the
limerick withers.

(39)
 13

TVo TIME OUT

"I am just/
9
moaned a girl from Racine,
U
A perpetual motion machine.
I can't help it. I must.
For I service the lust

Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine."

(4ti)
 A limerick starts sometimes simply because a
common phrase occurs to you that is a triple ana-
pest and therefore a perfect limerick line. "A per-
petual motion machine" is an example for its

meter is dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-

DAH. The true limericist at once goes into
spasms trying to build the other four lines about
it.

My first effort was as follows:

There was a young fellow from Queens

Whose perpetual motion machines
Would move forward by jerks
For he kept in the works
The best Mexican high-jumping beans.

This was unsatisfactory because it was clean,

for one thing. For another the phrase "Mexican
high-jumping beans" is impermissible. We speak
of "Mexican jumping beans." To insert "high"
merely to add a syllable and make the line a
triple-anapest introduces a clear artificiality that
utterly spoils the effect.

(41)
 14

REWARD OF INDUSTRY
A woman most gorgeously stacked
Thought screwing a glorious act.
So, for finding a niche
For those who were rich,
She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.

(42)

,
 It's odd the things that hold you up sometimes.
The line "She was diamonded, minked, Cadil-
lacked" is a triple anapest that I knew would be a
good last line when I thought of it. I had very lit-
tle trouble thinking up the first four lines, but

then I was hung up for quite a while over the

spelling of "Cadillacked." When recited, the word
causes no trouble, and its meaning is perfectly
plain. You have three nouns associated with suc-
cessful ladies of easy virtue, each one of which is
treated as an intransitive verb. But whereas you
can add an "ed" to diamond and mink without
trouble, how do you add an "ed" to Cadillac,
without making it "Cadillaced" and have the sec-
ond "c" become soft. I finally added a "k" and
took the chance of having the word become unrec-
ognizable at first glance.

(43)
 15

sHOCKING!

There is a young woman from Riga

With morals depressingly meager.
She's seduced twice a week
By a lecherous Greek
If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.

(44)
 Shortly after composing the above limerick, I
met a young woman I knew whose last name
rhymed with Riga. I promptly recited the limer-
ick, carefully substituting her name at the end of

the first line. I expected laughter and charming

embarrassment and a face turning attractively
pink.
It didn't happen. She just turned wistful and
said, "Oh, I wish that were true." (Naturally, out
of a sense of sympathy and friendship, I offered
to help out, but she said I wasn't Greek.)

(45)
 16

A POOR EXAMPLE
An Olympian lecher was Zeus,
Always playing around fast and loose,
With one hand in the bodice
Of some likely young goddess
And the other preparing to goose.

(46)
 Zeus was, of course, the chief of the gods living
on Mount Olympus in the Greek mythology, and,
indeed, no goddess, nymph, or mortal woman
was safe from him if we go by the myths. What
started the limerick, though, was the irresistible
rhyming of "bodice" and "goddess." Once that
occurred to me I had to follow through.

(47)
 17

The classic

A young woman from South Carolina

Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
With the proper-sized cocks
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

(48)
 The composition Toccata and Fugue in D
Minor by Johann Sebastian Bach is very well
known, and it was the first segment of Walt Dis-
ney's famous Fantasia. When the phrase occurred
to me, and dih-DAH dih-dih-
I realized that its

DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih would make a perfect lim-

erick line, I had to have the rest.

Then, when the limerick was done, Iwas con-

vinced had achieved a classic at last.
I Never will
I be able to do a better one than this. It tipped the

scale. With the limericks I then had, I tackled a

publisher, and the wheels were set in motion for

producing this book.

(49)
 18

t GOOD MOVE

"On the beach" said John, sadly, "There's such

A thing as revealing too much"
So he closed both his eyes
At the ranks of bare thighs
And felt his way through them by touch.

(50)
 In the first version, the last line read "And felt

his. way past them by touch" but my wife the doc-

tor disallowed it. My wife is a shy woman, retir-

ing, introverted, sweet, lovable, and of unim-

peachable virtue but let her at a limerick, and
she becomes a fierce influence in the direction of
increased vulgarity.
She pointed out that to feel one's way past
something might mean giving it a wide berth and
using your hands only to make sure there is noth-
ing there, with the least fugitive touch impelling
you farther outward. Lest anyone suspect John of
being that much of a fool I had to change "past"
to "through." Much better, I must admit.

(51)
 19

,H, THOSE SENSITIVE FINGERS

A young violinist named Biddle

Played exceedingly well on the fiddle.

women and art

Yet 'twixt
'Twas the girls won his heart

Hands down and hands up and hands middle.

(52)
 composed a version of this limerick on Feb-
I
ruary 1, 1975, making it an "in" limerick on be-
half of NON (the National Organization of Non-
Parents), for which I give talks now and then. It
seemed to be greeted with general approval and
laughter, and this so bucked me up that I referred
to the young woman sitting on my right as "a sex-
ual tornado." Now you must understand that the
young woman was beautiful and had a figure that
had to be seen to be believed (and was well worth
seeing even after you believed) and was dressed
in an outfit that did nothing to obscure its value.
Nevertheless after I left,was a big hassle
there
at the meeting over my "sexist remark" and that
was reported in The New York Times of Febru-
ary 4, 1975. My speech (a good one) was ig-
nored. Well, as a matter of fact, limericks are, by
and large, male chauvinist in nature (certainly
mine are). So I hope that no feminist lacking a
sense of humor has picked up this book; if so I
hope she has put it down again long ago. If she
has gotten this far, please put it down and don't
write.

(53)
 20

How AWFUL

A Sultan said sadly, "One strives

To please all my fifty-six wives.
But, alas, intromission
Gives me the condition
That's commonly known as the hives.'

(54)
 The life of a conscientious limericist who is
seeking for respectable publication is hard. One
can get away with all kinds of sexual innuendo
and naughty phrases, but one must avoid other,
more serious forms of offense. For instance, my
first attempt at the first "A Mormon
line began,
said sadly. . .
." But you know, Mormons don't
practice polygamy anymore, and they might not
think this was funny, and I wouldn't blame them.
Then, too, I know some nice Mormons with
whom I want to stay on the very best of terms.
My next attempt was, "An Arab said sadly. ." . .

And then I thought, "No." After all, some Wall

Street friend might be after some oil dollars, and
I wouldn't want to queer the deal. So a Sultan it

became. There are no sultans around any more

(to speak of) so who can be offended?

(55)
 21

OMPENSATION

Said a woman with open delight,

"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night."

My first version had it, "Said a woman named

Jennifer Bright," but there's no point using a
proper noun that adds nothing to the wit and that
seems dragged in simply to supply a rhyme // it
can be avoided.

(56)
 22

IDE EFFECT

"What a shame" said a winsome young miss,

"That an organ that brings me such bliss
With its delicate touch
Should be wasted on such
An unpleasant production as piss."

Fun's fun, but the humor is lost sometimes

when it touches too close to home. The reaction
of quite a few listeners on whom I tried out this
limerickwas a very serious, "That's right. It is a
shame." There seems a general feeling that the
evolutionary process in placing so large a func-
tional overlap in the genital/excretory organs was
practicing an unwise economy.
book have
Incidentally, all the limericks in the
been consumer-tested. There are none that I
haven't recited to at least a few people. If there is

marked and general disapproval, I cross it off.

(57)
 23

LA FREUD

In her youth, exhibitionist Annie

Was frequently spanked by her nannie.
That is why, to this day,

Some psychiatrists say

She is fond of exposing her fanny.

(58)
 This one I read to my wife the doctor with con-
siderable trepidation. Her specialty happens to be
psychiatry (I think she views me as an interesting
case),and I feared the worst But she looked up
from the book she was reading, smiled, nodded,
and "Very good!"
said,

I didn't want to press my luck, so I didn't ask

her if she meant that the limerick was metrically

valid or psychiatrically valid, I'll assume both.

(59)
 24

jDon't breathe

An expert at kissin
9
and dally in
9

Had a prick quite like that of a stallion.

His success would be cosmic
But for shortcomings osmic
For he reeked very strongly of scallion.

(60)
i
 My original first line was the very natural,
"There once was a stalwart Italian," but then, on
rereading, it began to seem like a racist slur. I did
a lot of hesitating for I hated to lose the limerick,
and then I decided to try for an alternate rhyme.
It wasn't easy, and if you think you can do better,

go to it.

"Osmic" is stretching a point. Considering that

the Greek word for "smell" is "osme," then
"osmic" clearly means "related to smell." Unfor-
tunately, it isn't listed in the dictionary with that
meaning. I considered converting the third and
fourth lines to:

He'd be screwing like hell

If the girls couldn't smell

However, I liked the word "osmic," regardless of

the stupid dictionary, and I liked its rhyme with
"cosmic," which has no other unforced rhyme, so
I decided to be stubborn about it.

(61)
 25

WiHAT A SHAME!
An innocent hooker named Agnes
Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness
Because the poor sweet
Kept on working a street
That was laden with queers and with fagness.

(62)
 Here is an example of where company
I part

with my audience. I'm proud of this one. I was in

bed watching television when someone mentioned
a character named Agnes, and I got to work and
when I finished I was jumping up and down in
bed in sheer ecstasy.
There are no unforced rhymes for Agnes; not
one. So I made up two words which don't exist
but which have perfectly obvious meanings, are
perfect rhymes, are utterly unexpected, and are
clever. And all I get are gentle smiles. No one ap-
preciates sheer creativity. Well, the heck with all
of you. Next to Limerick 17, this is my favorite.

(63)
 26

Fit for his work

A rapist's convicted, and hence is

Executed for all his offenses,
Thereafter, indeed,
His victims agreed
That the man was well-hung in both senses.

(64)
 One on whom I tried out this limerick
of those
insisted that he had heard the last line on some
other limerick, I asked him to repeat the entire
limerick, but he couldn't.
This left me in rather a dilemma. The number
of clever but vulgar notions is large, but not un-
limited, and I am bound, every once in a while, to
think of something that someone else has thought
of before. In fact, since I have read many, many
limericks in my time, I may even think of a limer-
ick no longer actively remembered and reproduce
it, thinking, in all honesty, that it is my own.
If anyone recognizes a limerick in this collec-

tion and can document its prior appearance in

print, then from future editions,
I will eliminate it

with an apology. As far as I know, however,

every limerick in this collection was personally
composed by me, with help only where indicated.

(65)
 27

HE COST OF IGNORANCE

A young teacher from far-off Bombay

Turned down a request for a lay
Nicely couched in a note,
Since the fellow who wrote
Had spelled "intercourse" with an "a"

(66)
 Well, you can't avoid it every time. Here's a
limerick that's funnier to the eye than the ear, be-
cause the misspelling exists in the printed form
but cannot be indicated in the recital. And the
fact that "intercoarse" with an "a" suggests some-
thing "coarse" would naturally repel a delicately
brought-up schoolteacher. Maybe.

(67)
 28

HE PROSPECTIVE WIDOW

Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,

"I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.
My wife, who's a shrew,
Isn't willing to screw
And she's sure to outlive me, God damma"

(68)
 All right, I succumbed this time and altered
the spelling to make the rhyme more obvious. It

seems to me, in this case, that the split-second

hesitation before you realize that "damma" is

"damn her" will add to the fun.

(69)
 29

HE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER

Young Jane was a lollapalooza

Yet no one could manage to use her.
She wouldn't screw with them
Except to the rhythm
Of the marches of John Philip Sousa.

(70)
 Another one of my favorites. After all itcom-
bines grotesquerie of image with effective and un-
expected rhymes. I don't get it like this all the
time. Incidentally,you will find "lollapalooza" in
The American Heritage Dictionary, where it is
characterized as slang and defined as "Something
outstanding of its kind." And I respect The
American Heritage Dictionary because it in-
cludes me as an entry on page 77. I'm defined as
"Russian-born American biochemist, educator,
and writer." They left out "limericist" but no
one's perfect

(71)
 30

ORETHOUGHT

A fellow from Chicopee, Mass.

Rejected another man's pass.
He felt some attraction,
But recalled that the action
Might well prove a pain in the ass.

(72)

i
 I had originally written the last line as "Would
just be a pain in the ass," but my wife the doctor
shook her head and informed me that I was un-
fairly limiting the range of male homosexual ac-
tivity. Well, all I know about such things is what
people tell me. So I replaced the declarative with
the conditional.
Chicopee, by the way, for those of you who are
not New Englanders, is a town just north of
Springfield.

(73)
 31

M\USIC LOVER
During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic
From high C, down by chords, to the tonic.
So John felt it unsordid
To have them recorded
In sound that was stereophonic.

(74)
 I'm faking it here, for I'm a musical illiterate,
but I think that the second line makes sense. The
dictionary says that the "tonic" is the keynote,
whatever that means.

(75)
 32

OOBAD

How bitter was Joseph's existence

When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.

A play on words! A play on words! That's an-

other one of my vices: puns and word play. In
this limerick, please do not try to display your
knowledge of French by giving "piece de resis-
tance" its proper pronunciation. If I had wanted
you to do would have spelled it correctly,
that I
with the accents. Pronounce it as if it were En-
glish or the limerick rhythm won't hold up.

(76)
 33

LOW BUT SURE

A young man from a lofty sierra
Found sex both a puzzle and terror.
But he met with a lass

In a similar pass
And they both learned by trial and error.

A sierra is a rough and craggy mountain ridge,

of course. If we're talking of the mountains, then
to have the man and the lass meet in a similar
pass sounds as though it might be a play on
words. If it is, I didn't intend it and didn't even
notice the possibility till long after the limerick
was composed.

(77)
 34

ALEDICTORIAN

A luscious young student at Vassar

Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.
But not in her studies
You old fuddy-duddies
For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.

(78)
 Vassar is the well-known woman's college in
Poughkeepsie, of course. I was never there, but
years ago I was asked to lecture at Smith College,
an equally well-known woman's college in North-
ampton, Mass. I was to speakon two successive
days, and they offered to put me up in the wom-
en's dormitory for the night. I could hardly wait
to get there.
They did put me up in the dormitory, too. A
special room with its own special door to the
street
and no other door at all. Wise guys!

(79)
 35

o UCH!

The crotch of a lady from Trenton

Was too tight to make much of a dent on.
The fellows who tried
Spread the news far and wide
That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un.

(80)
 was held up here on a question of spelling.
I
The American Heritage Dictionary, which con-
tains all the vulgarisms known to man, I think,
spells it "hard-on" and defines it as "an erection

of the penis." All I can say is that I've always

heard it sounded as "hard-un" and have taken it

to be a corruption of "hard one."

(81)
 36

L AW ABIDING

There was a young woman named Melanie

Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any? 9

She replied, "No, siree,

I give it for free

To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."

(82)


As you might guess, Iwas challenged (on Feb-

ruary 5, 1975 I happen to remember the day)
by a young woman named Melanie to make use
of her name in a limerick. I made one up on the
spot and recited it to her. Its a tribute to the free-
and-easiness of the time that the imputation of all

sorts of vile actions to these delicate lassies gives

no offense. Melanie laughed heartily and had me

repeat it memorize it. By the way
so she could
some of you may want to write and tell me that
prostitution is not a felony. Don't bother. "Misde-
meanor" wouldn't rhyme.

(83)
 37

ETSSEENOW
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusiri
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.

(84)
 Naturally, I repeated this to the first young
woman I met who was named Susan. She laughed
politely, then said, "Oh, I could figure it out, if I
wanted to."

(85)
 38

HERAPEUTIC EFFECT

Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol

Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.

(86)
 Wishful thinking, I suppose, because I wish sex
were slimming. My own experience is that it

sharpens the appetite for food as well.

(87)
 39

Yo HEAVE HO

A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr,

Had a daughter, and pure.
delightful
It seems such a shame

That her chief claim to fame .

Was her great skill at pitching manure.

(88)


Years ago, when I was working soberly at my

desk at the medical school (I taught biochemistry
there), a fellow faculty member said to me casu-
ally, and for no earthly reason: "She was only a
stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew
'er." I stared at him blankly until my ear, in retro-

spect, converted the last four syllables into "horse

manure"; and there followed one of those strange
times, when you simply cannot stop laughing
when every time you pause, recollection sends
you into fresh paroxysms until the laughter, feed-
ing on itself, leaves you utterly exhausted. So I
tried to build a limerick about the remark, but
this is as close as I came. The Ruhr, by the way,
is famous
a mining region in northwestern
Germany.

(89)
 40

One has one's pride

Said a young man, "Vm really delighted

To find that my love is requited
By all twenty-eight
Of the girls that I date.
Were they fewer, Yd feel myself slighted"

The two limericks have been quite clean

last

by the standards of this book. We'll have to do

something about that.

(90)
 41

//eh, HEH

There was an old man from the Nile

Whose sexual habits were vile.
Yet whenever he'd score
The women all swore
That he sure made perversion worthwhile.

Considering that I have written a book entited

The Sensuous Dirty Old Man, I am bound to
uphold the glory of that honorable profession. In
fact, at a recent science fiction convention, when
I was engaged young women in
in talking to the
my usual suave and courtly manner, one of them
pinned a badge on my lapel, which read "Dirty
Old Men Need Love, Too." I'm not sure why on
earth she thought that was appropriate in my
case.

(91)
 42

OoH, LA, LA

A lovely French girl from Calais

Looks great in her sheer negligee.
Delightful and chaste
She would just suit the taste

Of the typical Gallic gourmet.

(92)
 Fortunately, I am not backward about point-
ing out my expertise. The three rhyme words,
"Calais," "negligee," and "gourmet" are French
words, are at home in English, and, though they
are perfect rhymes, each is different to the eye. It
is these little things that add to the flavor of limer-
ick composition, even though they may be over-
looked in the reading or recital.

(93)
 43

LEASANT SURPRISE

A colonial girl, sweet and sainted.

Was by war-striped young Indians tainted.
Later, asked of the ravages,
She said of the savages,
"They aren't as bad as they're painted."

(94)
 Even when a line scans perfectly, as does line
number two here: "Was by WAR-striped young
INdians TAINTed," dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH-dih, it remains possible for the
sound combinations to be hard to recite. If s a
difficult line to say, had to cram into ten
and yet I

syllables the fact that they were Indians in war

paint without using the word "paint," which I
was saving for the last word.

(95)
 44

OOLOGICAL COMPARISON

A when he necks,
stately giraffe,
Or a hippo, when he's having sex,
Aren't worth a tut-tut
To the bellowing rut
Of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex.

(96)
 This one is a complete cheat. The great prehis-
toric dinosaur ti-RAN-oh-SAW-rus-REX, three
is

iambic feetdih-DAH-dih-DAH-dih-DAH. It is
impossible to make a limerick out of that. Howev-
er, is there a law that says you can't mispro-

nounce? If you pronounce it ti-ra-NOS-uh-rus-

REX, you have dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH, and
a limerick.

(97)
 45

Oh , THAT SCREAMING

Young Alice is known for her poise

During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

(98)
 The last line is a little difficult to say clearly,
but I wanted to keep it intact because it's a com-
mon expression I wanted to lead up to.

(99)
 46

NDECISION

An uncertain young woman named Fern

Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnnie and Fred
And didn't know which way to turn.

(100)
 My first attempt at a last line read, "And
scarcely knew which way to turn." This would be
all right, if you read it with the first stress coming

on the second syllable of the line, "And

SCARCEly knew WHICH way to TURN." Un-
fortunately, as I studied the line I realized there
would be a tendency, in following its natural
rhythm to place the first stress on the fourth sylla-
ble, reading it "And scarcely KNEW which WAY
to TURN" which ruins everything. So I

changed it to "And didn't know which way to

turn," which, it seems to me, is more likely to re-
ceive the first stress on the second syllable, "And
DIDn't know WHICH way to TURN."

(101)
 47

Him?

A confirmed multilinguist, I fear,

Finds conditions for flirting severe.
A girl scarcely knows
The response to a beau's
"Bitte, couchez avec mich, my dear/

(102)
 Well, let's see. "Bitte" is German for "please";
"couchez avec" is French for "come to bed with"
and "mich" is German for "me." As for "my
dear," that's English. I was at a party when some-
one mentioned that he spoke a large number of
unlikely languages. All I can manage are Ger-
man, French, and a little bit of English, so I did
my best. When I recited it, I drew a blank from
everyone but the multilinguist, who perhaps felt

an obligation. But / like it.

(103)
 48

WAGNERIAN

There was a young woman named Golda

Whose grew colder and colder
lovers
For during love making
She'd sing the earth-shaking
Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.

(104)
 In English, the name is Isolt, and in French it

is Iseult. Isolde is the German version and is

therefore what Wagner used. For some reason, I

am most familiar with the name Iseult, and I very
naturally began my limerick with, "There once
was a hardy old Bait" (who would be a native of
the Baltic coastline of the Soviet Union) A Wag- .

nerian enthusiast to whom I recited the limerick

in the mistaken notion that he would love it, said
in accents of horror, "Iseult?" So I changed it.

(105)
 49

ftITHER WAY
There was an old Scotsman of Fife
Who had left, in the course of his life,
Scores of well-rounded ends
Of the wives of his friends
And likewise of the friends of his wife.

(106)
 This was one of those rare limericks where I
began without a notion of the fifth line. (It is al-

ways safest to get that fifth line, or at least the

idea behind it, and then work toward it.) I
first

had the first four lines without trouble and then

couldn't imagine how to end it. I kept mumbling
rhymes for half an hour, and then, after I gave
up, the last linepopped into my mind unbidden.
Fife, by the way, is a county on the southeast-
ern coast of Scotland.

(107)
 50

Hold tight!

There was a young man of Rostov

Who found it a risk to make love.
He had grown very fond
Of a statuesque blonde
And was hurt when he slipped and fell off.

Rostov is a city in southern Russia, at the

mouth of the Don River. Its chief fame, as far as
I'm concerned, is that it was the first major city

ever taken by the Nazis that they were forced to

give up again, back in 194 1.

(108)
 51

T'S ONLY FITTING

A sprightly young fellow named Jay

Screwed a girl in his car every day.
His aims weren't base
He just wanted to place
The "let" in his old Chevrolet.

There was nothing I could do to that last line

that would make me happy. Recited, there is no

problem. The last line goes "The lay' in his old
Chevrolay" and everything is as clear as a moun-
tain spring. If I were to write it that way, howev-
er, I would insult the readers, and if I leave it 1-e-t,

then it looks funny to the eye. Oh, the miseries

of a limericist.

(109)
 52

MiORE THAN ONE WAY

A certain young woman named Mame
Longs to play in a tough football game*
You would think that can't be
Since she's female, you see,
Yet she's making the team, just the same.

(UO)
 Prudery makes it so difficult to refer to sexual
intercourse in any straightforward way that those
who must do so have invented an incredible
number of euphemisms for the purpose. Some of
them are extremely common words, such as
"making" and "having." As a human being I de-
spise the social hypocrisy that makes this neces-
sary; but as a limericist, I appreciate it and take
all the opportunities it affords me for giving an
innocent phrase a vulgar twist heh, heh.

(Ul)
 53

jFollowing orders

At a bullfight, JosS made his bid.

When the maiden agreed, he was rid

Of all inhibitions
And, despite the conditions,
As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose did.

(112)
 This is one of the limericks that never failed to
get a laugh when I tried it out. I'm a little sur-
prised at that since it possesses a serious failing in
that the second line runs directly into the third,
and I have to allow an artificial pause after "rid"
in order to emphasize the rhyme and meter well
enough to produce an effect. I guess the final un-
expected use of the cry "Ole" (pronounced "oh
lay," of course) carries all before it. Well, who
am I to quarrel with success.

(113)
 54

C/nwieldy

There was a young fellow from Juilliard

With a penis that measured a full yard.
The girls whispered and leered
And most of them cheered
Whenever he ran through the schoolyard.

(U4)
 Juilliard is a music school in New York, within
short walking distance of where I live. As it hap-
pens, a young woman who worked at Juilliard
was visiting us, and the word naturally came up.
When I finally worked it out and recited it, she
said, "Juilliard doesn't really have a schoolyard,"

which is an example of the irrelevant obstacles

that are placed in the path of the truly creative
person.

(U5)
 55

D ISILLUSIONMENT

There was a young sailor from Rome

Who found the girls over the foam
All acted the same
In the sexual game
So he might just as well have stayed home.

(116)
 If you stop to think of it, this one is deeply phil-
osophic. But don't stop to think of it. Philosophy
doesn't help a limerick.
Incidentally, a line that consists entirely of
monosyllables tends to be a little jerky since the
pause between words is a little greater than the
pause between syllables of a polysyllabic word. In
real poetry, there is a tendency to avoid that row
of monosyllables, therefore; but in limericks, I
rather like it when the words come naturally as in
"So he might just as well have stayed home," or
as in "And was hurt when he slipped and fell off"

in the last line of Limerick 50. Nine words mak-

ing up a perfect anapestic trimeter is nice every
once in a while.

(U7)
 56

JjTeARTBREAK!

7/seemed all was well for old Bill

For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating

But alas she was not on the pill.

(U8)
 No laughs when this one is recited, and I knew
there wouldn't be when I finished it and consid-
ered what I had written. The first four lines are
actually too sweet and soft to be part of a proper-
ly vulgar limerick. In fact, when recited with the
right kind of melting sentiment, the listeners
(especially the women somehow) rummage their
minds anxiously for what it will be that can possi-
bly go wrong and remembering the "Bill" and
"still" they more than once have burst out, "Oh,

she isn't on the pill, Oh, poor Bill." Naturally, I

look censorious for a limerick should never be in-
terrupted, but on the other hand it shows how ef-

fective the limerick is even if not as a limerick

so I kept it

(U9)
 57

ILL IN A NIGHT'S WORK

There was a young woman named Maud

Who found herself now and then floored
Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired
Oh, well, it's the life of a bawd.

(120)
 I suppose that each limerick has its optimum
recital method. Experimenting with this one I

found that the most effective method was to recite

the first two lines seriously and slowly, then rap
out the next two in a rapid, hectic manner, and
then fall back into a mood of resignation in the
fifth line.

(121)
 58

SYMMETRY

There was a young lady named Bates

Who amused every one of her dates
By keeping one breast
In total arrest
While the other discribed figure eights.

(122)
 I made a great discovery with this one. Having
recited some limericks to a young lady with con-
siderable success, I came to this one. I recited it
with gravity and great earnestness and when I
said, "By keeping one breast / In total arrest," I

placed my hand on one of her breasts as though

to keep it steady, and she paid no attention what-
ever, thinking it was part of the verse.
As soon as I work up my courage, I'll try it on
someone else. (The trouble is that even a succes-
sion of successes doesn't help. The first failure is
likely to be a drastic one.

(123)
 59

^Reciprocity

A certain sweet girl from Key West

Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man's close attention
To her outsize dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.

(124)
 My wife the doctor reacted favorably to this
one. She grinned and said, "That's nice/' I do not
know to what she was referring. She and I have
different views on just what is nice, thank good-
ness. (At this point, I wouldn't say "Vive la dif-

ference" for anything.)

(125)
 60

Setter than nothing

There was a young woman named Vicki

Who said, "I don't want to be picky.

If, in five hours or so

As you say, you must go,
At least we'll have time for a quicky."

(126)
 This is another one that some of my young
women listeners sometimes don't greet with
laughter. Instead, I get those cries of "Right on!"
I think that the women's liberation movement is

going to make lots of demands on masculine

stamina. It's going to be put up or shut up, I'm
afraid.

(127)
 61

TVoTHING PERSONAL

A psychiatrist said, "Ifs no matter

That my husband is mad as a hatter.
There are certain psychoses
That bring sex in large doses.
My husband, you see, is a satyr."

(128)
 My wife the doctor took a personal interest in
this one and, in fact, supplied the third and
fourth lines while I was taking my morning show-
er. I what my corresponding lines were,
forget
but they were rotten and hers were much better.
Of course, I am a little nervous over the fact that
I myself happen to be the husband of a psychia-

trist, and I have been called as mad as a hatter on

occasion. However, as the title of the limerick in-

dicates, there is no personal reference here. I am
not a satyr; just an ordinary hard-working male
interested in what he does.

(129)
 62

TVeXT!

The climax, when Josie engages,

Is postponed for what seems to be ages.
Out of self-preservation
And to banish frustration
She has three or four fellows in stages.

(130)
 I was nearly trapped with what one might call
an identity rhyme in this one. The third and
fourth lines, as I originally composed them, read:
"out of self-preservation / To avoid depriva-
tion." Although "self-preservation" and "depriva-
tion" are quite different words, using both, suc-
ceeds in rhyming "vation and "vation" and this
can't be done. Fortunately, I caught it in time.

(131)
 63

lLL is not lost

Annabelle turned beet-red in the face

At having been raped. Such disgrace!

Yet although it was terrible

was not quite unbearable.

It

She had taken her pill just in case.

(132)
 For some reason I am reminded of the movie
in which James Coburn takes advantage of a
young woman Her father pursues him,
in a barn.
catches up, and when Coburn denied wrongdo-
ing, the father demanded to know what he called

what had happened, Coburn thought a while then

said, with a shy smile, "Assault with a friendly
weapon?"

(133)
 64

HE ECONOMIC FACTS

An industrious young obstetrician

Conceived his financial position
To depend upon beauty
And husbandly duty
Plus determined and endless coition.

(134)

_
 The mere use of the word "coition" reminds
me of the sad fact that there are hundreds of
great limericks that I can never possibly think up
for the reason that they are already thought up.
Thus, no limerick using "coition" can ever sur-
pass that great classic (which is, alas, not mine)

Once Titian, while mixing rose madder,

Spied his model on top of the ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
9
So he climbed up the ladder and had er.

Break, break, my heart!

(135)
 65

WOMAN'S PREROGATIVE

A virtuous maiden named Nora

Viewed sexual sinning with horror.
But a bit of love play
Was indulged in today
And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow.

(136)
 The triple rhyme is much better when recited
than when written, but by now you should be
aware of such things. The rising tide of women's
liberation,by the way, is pushing aside those little
privileges men were wont to shower on women to
make up for the latter's economic and social slav-
ery. Ill bet some of you don't even know what

"woman's prerogative" is. Well, it's the privilege

of changing her mind at whim.

(137)
 66

TVoT FOILED!

There was a young man of Belgrade

Who planned to seduce a fair maid.
And as it befell
He succeeded quite well
So the maid, like the plan, was deep-laid.

(138)
 You know it isn't always good to punctuate a
limerick according to the strict tenets of the En-
glish teacher. In the last line, marking off the par-
enthetical remark 'like the plan" with commas is

perfect, for it breaks the line up into the three an-

apestic feet and precisely fits the limerick sing-
song. In the third line, however, marking off the

parenthetical phrase "as it befell" is not such a

good idea, for you don't want a break between
"and" and "as." So though I put in the comma
after "and" automatically, I then took it out, de-
liberately. (Belgrade is the capital of Yugoslavia.)

(139)
 67

R ETIREMENT!
There was an old man of Belfast
Whose active sex life was so vast
He was glad he'd worked through
To a spry ninety-two
When his lust was declining at last.

(140)
 Actually, there are reports that an active sex
life can indeed continue into advanced old age. If

I am given the opportunity, I shall check it out as

a matter of scientific curiosity. I already know
that it continues into advanced youth (which is

all I'll admit to). Do I need to say that Belfast is

the capital of Northern Ireland?

(141)
 68

No, IT WON'T

Those men who are born under Taurus

Are attracted to girls of the chorus.
They go on to excursions
In varied perversions
But forget it, the details would bore us.

(142)
 Taurus is one of the signs of the zodiac, and as
soon as composed this limerick, it occurred to
I

me that I might do a mock astrological analysis

for each of the twelve signs: "Those men who are
born under Pisces / Are simply no use in a crisis"
and so on.
I decided against it. Once I set myself an artifi-

cial goal like that, I would begin to stretch for

rhymes in order not to let one or two of them go,
and I'd produce rotten limericks. It's much better
to take it as it comes. Who knows? Before my life

is over I may have limericks for each of the

twelve signs but as inspiration wills and not
otherwise.

(143)
 69

lGE cannot wither

A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo

Conducted her loving "con brio."
She felt quite at home in
The arms of one Roman
But preferred to be part of a trio.

(144)
 T stretched for this one. "Con brio" is an Ital-

ian phrase often used in music (and therefore fa-

miliar to English-speaking music lovers) and
meaning "with vigor." Since the meaning fits and
so does the rhyme, I couldn't resist
Of course, I am probably maligning poor Cleo-
patra. She was probably quite satisfied with Mark
Antony when he was around. The title is from
Enobarbus's comment concerning Cleopatra in
Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra "Age can-
not wither, nor custom stale / Her infinite vari-
ety."

(145)
 70

Well, HARDLY EVER

There was an old maid of Peru

Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
Of forceful duress
9
Like, "Ym ready, dear, how about you?

(146)
 I hesitated here for I thought that the first line

might be "There was a coed of Purdue." But no;

the whole thing seems to fit the old maid better,
doesn't it? I get best results by reading the first

four lines grimly and heavily (especially the third

and fourth) and then becoming suddenly bouncy
with the fifth.

(147)
 71

Male chauvinist pig

Turning down the desires of Marie,

John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see?
For all I can do
Is to keep screwing you
While you'd screw none other than me."

(148)
 I'm not renowned for the length and depth of
my sleep. In fact, if I get five hours on any given
night, that's plenty, and I don't always make it.

Periods of wakefulness are good times for com-

posing limericks, and when this one came at

about 3 a.m. one night, I laughed out loud and

woke my wife the doctor.
She said, blearily, "What's the matter?" I said,

"Listen," quite ready to explain what was the

matter, "How does this strike you?" and recited
the limerick. She didn't laugh at all. She just said,
"Male chauvinist pig!" turned
quite distinctly,
around and went back to sleep. Well, she gave me
the title.

(149)
 72

OO GOOD TO USE

A finicky man from Australia

With the ladies was largely a failure.

He said, "Sex may be fun

But in the long run
It will damage my fine genitalia."

(ISO)
 This illustrates the general thesis that caution
may be carried too far. Has it ever occurred to
you that a wide stock of limericks held in reserve
in your memory banks might serve to make it
possible for you to illustrate many philosophical
points? If someone's overcaution is getting in
your way, you can say, disapprovingly, "You re-
mind me of the finicky man from Australia.'' The
other is sure to say, "What finicky man from Aus-
tralia?" You then recite the limerick and make
your point. (And if you're a nice guy, you send
me a bonus.)

(151)
 73

D ISILLUSIONMENT
A suit an 9 inspecting his harem,
Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare
9
em"
Having seen the details
He issued long veils
And ordered the harem to wear 'em.

(152)
 I suppose every nonpolygamist is fascinated by
the thought of a harem. My own private feeling is
that was probably a lot more trouble than it
it

was worth. When I was a kid, I went to the li-

brary once a week to get two books. I went there
through rain and snow, through summer heat and
winter cold, through hail and sleet. Nothing
stopped me. Now when I want a book, I buy it
and add it to my own permanent library. It was
more fun then, I think.

(153)
 74

w<ATCH OUT BEHIND YOU

A woman who lived near Cape Fear

Would always most carefully steer
Past men whom she saw,
But was brought to the floor,
By a well-timed attack from the rear.

Cape Fear is not invented for the rhyme. It is

both a river and cape in North Carolina.

(154)
 75

7VoW WE'LL NEVER KNOW

There once was a member of Mensa

Who was a most excellent fencer.
The sword that he used
Was his ( line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).

Mensa is an international organization of indi-

viduals who have passed certain IQ tests and who

are therefore suspected of being in the top 2 per-
cent of the population as far as intelligence is

concerned. Those I have met are nevertheless

nice people. In fact, I am myself amember of the
organization and in June, 1974, I was made an
International Vice President of the organization
for reasons no one has ever bothered to explain
to me. I think the above limerick is the least I can
do in exchange.

(155)
 76

TVever say die

A woman who reached ninety-nine

Said she always felt perfectly fine

Thanks to helpings of semen

From rugged old he-men
Who were not too far gone in decline.

(156)
 This started with the rhyme of "semen" and
"he-men" which I couldn't resist once ithad oc-
curred to me. In fact, for a while I added the
phrase "we men" and tried to place it in the first,

second and fifth lines, but couldn't do it without

straining the verse beyond the breaking point.
Perhaps you can figure out a way of doing it. Just
keep it clean, please well, sort of clean.

(157)
 77

sCARCELY WORTH IT

A young woman from old Montreal

Reminisced once concerning her fall,
Saying,"He was so quick,
And his prick was so slick,
That I just never felt it at all.

(158)
 My original version of the fourth line was
"And his penis so slick" but my wife the doctor
pointed out the humorous virtue of having an in-
ternal rhyme. I made the shift and sure enough
the laughs seemed better. My wife swears she can
improve all my limericks the same way, but I
have no faith whatever in her sense of decorum.
Who knows what excesses she may commit?

(159)
 78

J?RAVO!

A young fellow received much acclaim

For his skill at the sexual game.
A real Juggernaut
He easily brought
Three girls to the peak ere he came.

(160)
 Ah, managed to get Juggernaut into a limer-
I

ick. For some time I have been thinking wistfully

of using the word "stamina." Mostly, I keep

thinking of rhymes like "ram in 'er" and "jam in
*er," which are obviously useful but would pro-
duce something (I suspect) that would be more
vulgar than clever. Well, I may think of some-
thing yet.

(161)
 79

IKE THIS, PLEASE

A sadly afflicted young stutterer

With a wish, but unable to utter 'er,

Showed his favorite tart

The appropriate part
Of the drawings in his Kamasutra.

(162)
 Of course, I'm not too proud to stretch a limer-
ick past the breaking point* The Kamasutra is the
well-known Hindu manual of love, which was one
of the great "forbidden books" in the days when
there were forbidden books. Actually, it's a kind
of creaky period piece, easier to talk about than
to read. Still, I wanted it part of a limerick, and
for the sake of doing so, I was ready to pretend
that a wish was feminine so that you could use
the phrase "utter *er" instead of the proper "utter
it"; and I Kamasutra to be pro-
also allowed
nounced with a short "u" so as to rhyme the "sut"
syllable with "stut" and ut." Actually, it is "Ka-
masootra." The original third and fourth lines as
I composed them were "Had to carefully
gauge / The appropriate page" but that meant a
split infinitive as well, and the third infelicity was

just too much to swallow even for me.

(163)
 80

Making beautiful music

There once was a lecherous pianist

Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest.
To heighten his joy
He would only employ
Those girls he was told were agreein-est.

(164)
 Don't think I don't hear those groans. But the
day before yesterday was hearing a pianist play
I

excellent ragtime, and it just seemed to me I had

to try a limerick that began, "There once was a
lecherous pianist." Given that first line, can you
do better? You very possibly might, but if so I'd
be curious to see it.

(165)
 81

HAT'S THE BIG DIPPER, MY DEAR

An astronomer fellow named Mark

Was sure it would be a great lark
To have a girl eye
The stars in the sky
And see what came up in the dark.

(166)
 Oddly enough, was having lunch with an as-
I

tronomer fellow named Mark, and it was that

which gave me the The second came
first line.

easily, but it was Mark himself who came up with

the last line, and I said I would give him credit.

"I'm not sure want it," he said.
I

The third and fourth lines were, originally,

"To show a girl stars / Such as Venus and Mars."
That was unsatisfactory first because Venus and
Mars are not stars, but planets. I might have let
that stand because of the connotation of Venus

and Mars the great divine lovers of the Greek

myths but the rhyme "stars" and "Mars" is too
like the other rhyme of the limerick, "Mark,"
"lark," and "dark." For best results the two rhym-
ing systems of a limerick should be distinctly dif-
ferent.

(167)
 82

TVo SAFETY IN NUMBERS

There was a young fellow named Adam

Whose mother had once been a madam.
As for Daddy, the score
Was at least seven, for
On the day of conception, Ma'd had 'em.

(168)
 I wrote this one while waiting to go on a radio
talk show, The interviewer asked what I was
doing, and I said I was writing a limerick. He
said,"Good, you can read it on the program."
Something told me I ought to read it to him first,
however, and I did. He laughed, but he changed
his mind*

(169)
 83

L AST LAUGH

We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie

Once swore he would screw a young dolly.
"For twelve hours, Til engage 'er"
And he laid down his wager.
We all laughed, but he did it, by golly.

(170)
 My first thought was to try Oliver as the rhyme
word (because I had just seen the movie "Oliver"
for the third time and loved it all over again) but
got nowhere. It's just as well I gave up and
switched to the diminutive, because I like this one
quite a bit.

(171)
 84

TVoW HEAR THIS!

A feminist, fetchingly scented,

In a charming hotel room she'd rented
Had picked up a guy
In the street, passing by,
And when she said, "Right on!" boy, she meant it.

(172)
 I like those ten monosyllables in the last line,
and the play on "Right on," too. I have always
supposed that the exclamation "right on" was
short for "right on target," but once any phrase
becomes associated with any group it tends to be
overused by that group to the point where it is
meaningless except as a sound intended to convey
membership in that group.
My first attempt at lines three and four by the
way was "Had picked up a tar / In a neighbor-
hood bar," but I decided reluctantly that the use
of the word "tar" for "sailor" was British rather
than American,

(173)
 85

NSULT ADDED TO INJURY

Another young feminist, Florence,

Held all the male sex in abhorrence.
She'd take men to bed
And screw them till dead
And then she'd collect the insurance.

(174)
 I struggled quite a bit to find a decent rhyme
for "Florence" and "abhorrence." I got those two
so easily that itseemed impossible there shouldn't
be a third. Well there is, if you consider "war-
rants" and "torrents," but I couldn't use them in
such a way as to end up with a proper climax.
'Insurance" was just what I wanted, and I decid-
ed to ignore the imperfect rhyme.

(175)
 86

EACH TO HIS TASTE

Some gentlemen born under Aries

Are likely to go by contraries.
They're apt to ignore
The sweet girl next door
And feel much attracted to fairies.

(176)
 Another sign of the zodiac. Well, who knows,
perhaps in future editions I will have all twelve
after all.

(177)
 87

A NATURAL MISTAKE

An actor, in furious rage,

Muttered this to an actress on stage,
"When Yd fallen for you
had thought forty-two
I
Was meant for your breasts, not your age!

(178)
 Why an actor and actress? Well, I started off

with the notion of mistaking the significance of

thenumbers and had my last line. An obvious
rhyme was "rage" as wouldn't you feel that if you
had made so crucial a mistake. But then I
couldn't get a third rhyme that satisfied me, and I
had to settle for "stage," which meant I had to
use an actor and actress. See how simple it all is?

(179)
 88

MPATIENCE

There was a young couple from Florida

Whose passion grew steadily torrider.
They were planning to sin
In a room in an inn.
Who can wait? So they screwed in the corridor.

(180)
 This started with the first two lines, and I was a
little dubious because I know as well as you that
we say "more torrid" and not "torrider." When it

occurred to me was also a rhyme

that "corridor"
and what I could do with it, that was it. Torrider
stayed. This limerick has gotten laughs more un-
failingly than most of those in the book and I

love it. The line "In a room in an inn" is itself a

great combination of sounds that starts the lis-

teners smiling and readies them for the last line.

(181)
 89

HANGE OF LIFE

There was a hard-working soothsayer

Well-known as an honest truth-prayer.
He married a dame
And Ruth was her name
And now he is called a Ruth-layer.

(182)
 This is one of those limericks that exists only
for the rhymes. Generally, I prefer content to
rhymes, but I couldn't resist this.

(183)
 90

TVaTURALLY!

There was a young girl named Laraine

Whom no one could think of as plain.
The fellows pursue her
In order to screw her
Again and again and again.

(184)
 When Franklin Roosevelt was President, he
would sometimes say in one of his radio speeches
that he had said something "Again and again and
again," giving the second syllable of "again" the
long "a" sound. I suppose that means the limerick

would have been funnier forty years ago (to say

nothing of what it reveals about my age), but the
young girl named Laraine who was sitting at the
other end of the table when I constructed the lim-
erick asked for a handwritten signed copy, so
maybe it will do.

(185)
 91

H IGH STANDARDS

A devil-may-care sort of flapper

Was a belle who was seeking a clapper.
But not every bum
Would be making her come
She was after a Phi Beta Kappa.

(186)
 I trust I don't have to point out the cleverness
of the second line with its play on "belle" and
"bell" and with the phallic significance of the
clapper. I don't? Well, that's a relief

(187)
 92

TFhatever do you mean?

Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty,

u
l think that it's my bounden duty
To give you the measure
Of my tip for your pleasure
And by 'tip' I don't mean a gratuity"

(188)
 The second line is one of those in which the
natural stress is not likely to fall on the limerick
stress. If you read it "I THINK that it's my
BOUNDen DUty" it's not going to work. The
second stress must fall on "my." Naturally, a lim-
erick should be so constructed that it is impossi-
ble to mistake the stresses, but we can't be perfect
every time, can we?

(189)
 93

jFor a change

A young man who enjoyed the society

Of girls to the point of satiety
Sometimes had half a mind
To leave them behind
And jerk himself off for variety.

(190)
 This is one of those that I composed in the
shower a very good place to indulge in mental
activity since it helps pass a job which is tedious,
repetitive, and at least daily. The only drawback
is thatyou spend the time intensely enough in
if

repeating possible rhymes to yourself and rear-

ranging the syllables, you may just possibly end
up not quite remembering whether you actually
showered or not.

(191)
 94

TVoNFUNCTIONAL

A woman who lived in St. Paul

Had breasts undeniably small
Her husband growled, "Dear,
Why not burn your brassiere?
It's fulfilling no function at all."

(192)
 The conciseness and density of thought of a
limerick forces every word to bear its full weight
of meaning. In the first version of the limerick, I
had the third and fourth lines read, "Her husband
growled, 'Dear, / Remove your But
brassiere."
you can see that that's not enough. To remove the
brassiere might be a husband's desire if the
breasts were undeniably gorgeous just as much as
if they were undeniably small. The suggestion of
burning goes along with the disenchanted
"growled," and is further reminiscent of the no-
torious bra-burning antics of the more extreme
feminists.

(193)
 95

OO GOOD

An eager inventor named Jones

Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.
He'd devised x-ray glasses
To study clothed lasses
But all he could see were their bones.

(194)
 My first attempt had the last word "guts" with
appropriate rhyme words in the first and second
lines. My wife the doctor, however, pointed out,
quite censoriously, that you don't see the intes-
tines by x-ray unless you fill them with x-ray

opaque material which would not be the case of
the average "clothed lass" one would meet in the
street or at dinner parties. I knew that, of course,
but I tried to point out that the humor was worth
the poetic license taken with reality, and she
countered by saying that the word "guts" was
needlessly ugly, that I would be rousing suspicion
among my readers as to my scientific competence
and why not use "bones."
So I did and it was a great improvement. In the
first version, my inventor's name had to be Lutz,

a clear straining for rhyme. In the second, it was

Jones infinitely better. A clear win for my wife
the doctor.

(195)
 96

ASTER, FASTER!

An insatiable damsel named Bridget

Was likely to mutter and fidget
Whenever some jerk
Couldn't manage to work
Up a quick enough rise to the rigid.

(196)
 I must admit that I don't like the run-on from
"work" to "up" in the fourth and fifth lines. It in-

terferes badly with the natural flow. The only al-

ternative I've thought up so far to avoid that is:

Whenever some pup

Couldn't seem to work up
A quick enough rise to the rigid.

and yet I'm not sure I like that better. Take your
pick, Gentle Reader,

(197)
 97

RUTH IN ADVERTISING

The seductive Dolores could lay so

Well, she earned many a peso
From men who walked miles
To climax, with smiles.
(Her ads in the papers all say so.)

(198)
 There again we have an unfortunate run-on be-
tween lines one and two this time. All my ingenu-
ity and wit, however, can't help me avoid it, at

least so far, and that aside I liked the limerick so

well that I couldn't possibly scrap it.

(199)
 98

HE GOOD DOCTOR

Said John, "Sex Yve always enjoyed

And the way to avoid being cloyed
For the fellow who dallies is
The psychoanalysis
9
Of the school of the great Sigmund Freud.

(200)
 My wife the doctor is, as it happens, not of the
school of the great Sigmund Freud, so this limer-

ick is not to be taken as an endorsement on her

part.

(201)
 99

O RDER OF INCREASING IMPORTANCE

Softly seductive young Brenda

Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
And thoughtful and bright
And sexually right
But mostly a very big spender.

(202)


Heavens, this is clean enough for anybody. I

must be petering out (never!), and it's a lucky

thing this is Limerick 99 which brings us to

(203)
 100

^4nd, FINALLY

The man whom I call Dr. A.

and at play.
Is past master at love

At hugging and kissing

(The remainder is missing
For I won't give my secrets away.)

(204)
L^^A
 Except, of course, to my wife the doctor, who
knows all about it. So farewell, everybody, live
long, prosper, and enjoy. If this book gets you
started writing limericks on your own, fine. Re-
member, that if I can do it, anyone can.

(205)
 WiRITE YOUR OWN LIMERICKS

(206)
w RITE YOUR OWN LIMERICKS

(207)
TFiRITE YOUR OWN LIMERICKS

(208)
 You have heard of

ISAAC ASIMOV
as the Master of Science Fiction.
But have you heard of

ISAAC ASIMOV !
the celebrated limerick writer?
With this book the
great man makes his debut into the world of the
d--ty limerick. Here are stirring rhymed tales of:

the impatient couple from Florida

the ingeniously musical woman

from South Carolina

the sad case of the disappointed
dowager Duchess

the determined action of Jose at
the bullfight and ninety-six others.

Read on, dear reader, and you will discover for
yourself that

ISAAC ASIMOV
has brought the d--ty limerick
to splendid new heights.

Fawcett World Library