A prelud!

“The Six"month intensive Course is of the nature of a

retreat course, which runs for six months without a brea#
and consists of an intensive daily programme, which
includes study, work, meditation and devotional practices.
The course begins with an introduction to esoteric education. It
takes as its starting point " as does every aspect of the course "
the essential unity of all existence. The course material then goes
on to explore the reality and possibilities of what it means to be a
human being, and the knowledge, means and orientation that will bring the student to the full
realisation of his or her potential.”

“Uh” you said? That is exactly the course I took a while ago at Beshara School, Scotland, UK.
And I figured the best way for me to provide you with glimpses of my experiences would be to
give you some anecdotes and what they mean to me.

So here goes.

! 1
 To feel, to lov!
There was a constant pain on my left chest during my first month there, where the heart resides. I
am mot sure how it started. I just felt the pain more and more. I tried stretching. I tried this and
that. Yet the pain persisted.

A friend advised me to ask the heart what it wanted and why it tried to attract# my attention
through this pain. So I asked.

The response was: to feel. My heart wanted to feel.

To tell you the truth, I had a feeling that that was why I came here for. To feel.

Thus, I allowed myself to feel$more so than I have done for quite some time. It was also
interesting for me to look deep in myself in all honesty and find out why and how I had become
this way.

From that moment, I allowed myself to love and to be loved"and to express it.

Naturally, such new openness of the heart has its consequences. The mood changes %totally plural&.
The emotional fluctuation that went on and on in me. I was struggling to balance myself out in
this roller coaster ride.

Until somebody said to me that it was not really about balance. What? Is it not? The education
continued.

! 2
 Balance $ No%
“It is not about balance. It is about Knowledge.”

That friend of mine said it with such certainty and calmness. The statement just stopped me. It
is not about balance or making choices. It is about knowledge.

All this time, I have been thinking about balancing my life, making ‘the best choice’ between this
and that, these and those. Add a bit of A, decrease a bit of B. Less work, more personal time.
Less food intake, more exercise. Work smart, play hard. You know, the usual stu'.

But she was absolutely right. If we know$really know$that A is ‘bad’ and B

is ‘good’, then we would not be trying to balance them at all,
we just naturally go with B and leave A. Balance comes
naturally once the knowledge is there.

I presume she was not talking about just another knowledge

as we know it$certainly not the scientific, logical one. She
was talking about knowledge on life. How to live. How to be.

Life needs the knowledge of the heart, so that it can recognize

the place of the# Lover"the Divine Lover"in the heart. This is
the only kind of knowledge %or recognition or awareness or
whatever you may call it& that you I need to be.

Somehow I know that the Love is already there. I ‘just’ need to

recognize it.

Such Knowledge would lead to Love. Or is it the other way around"Love will lead to Knowledge?
Ah, it does not really matter. For I think that there will be a point when there is no di'erence
between knowing and loving. Him.

If I can know Him, really know His expressions of Love in everything, how can I not love Him?
How can I not be lost in this Love?

Vice versa, if I do not have this longing, this love, embedded in me, why do I bother so much
trying to get to know Him? This Love is the %only& motivation.

At some point, %we I realize that& Knowledge and Love will merge. Then balance will come
naturally. Amin. Which one should we do first? Pursuing Knowledge? Or Love? Perhaps both.
Why not approach it from both ends?

The discussion has branched into two: Love and Knowledge.

! 3
 A movement ca&ed Lov!
Oh this subject. Where does one begin to discuss this? How should one continue? How should
one end it? Should one end it at all? God forbid.

The Book %i.e. Al Qur’an& puts quite an emphasis on love, whether it is under the name
compassion, benevolence, mercy or love itself. Every chapter in the Qur’an but one begins with
“in the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful.

One chapter in the Book %QS 55& is titled Ar Rahmaan, The Compassionate. The chapter has 87
verses, 31 of them stating “Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?” Such is His
Grace and Compassion.

Then Consultant of Beshara Bulent Rauf in one of his addresses also discussed about Ar
Rahmaan. Such great compassion, he said, can only emanate from the nature of the Being of
Beauty Himself, which can only have one movement: Love.#Only those who knows themselves
$thus knows his Lord$may witness this movement of Love.

Note: I sincerely hope that I am one of those to whom Ibn Arabi referred when he said “our
discourse is with him who has resolution and energy in seeking to know himself in order to know
God and who keeps fresh in his heart the image of his seeking and his longing for union with
God.” Amin.

Bulent once was asked how one can eradicate hate in the heart. His answer$as always$was
simple and straightforward: by loving. By loving more. Eradicate hate by loving more. How
simple. How true.

I shall stop here, as I am still on this chapter: eradicating hate in the heart.

! 4
 “You must love”
A beautiful poem by Hazreti Uftade

You have to come soon to the Real

You have to find His wise ones
If you truly cannot find them
With a& your soul and with a& your heart,
You must love.

Those who have loved have found them

Their souls have reached the Real 'God(
Their faith has become whole
With a& your soul and with a& your heart,
You must love.

Always trace out their tracks

Listen to their beautiful discourse
If you say you would like to see their faces
With a& your soul and with a& your heart,
You must lov!

This dervish, this unhappy U)ade,

Has become a be*ar on the road of God
May God fulfi& his desire
With a& your soul and with a& your heart,
You must love.

! 5
 Fa&ing in Lov!
“If you ask me, the easiest thing to do here is to fall in love”
If you are in love, nothing becomes a burden. Sacrifice is not deemed to be sacrifice anymore. All
is done out of free acts.

Hence, by all means, do fall in love with God.

That morning we read Address %2& of Ni'ari. I just love Ni'ari. It reads as follow:

“…I have selected thee for Myself: if thou desirest that other than I should know of thee; then
thou art guilty of polytheism against Me; and when thou listenest to other than Me, then thou
art likewise guilty…

…Thy station is truly the vision of Him and thy

isolation is His presence.

…I have boon companions, when I have caused to

witness my presence and whom I have taken unto my
own charge. I turn unto them My face, and stay
between them and everything, being jealous for them
on account of everything.

…This is in order that I may restore them unto

Myself from everything, and that they may understand
of everything, and that their hearts may believe in Me.

…It is I that address them. They are the friends of my gnosis: by my gnosis they speak, and of my
gnosis they are silent; it is the cave or their sciences and their sciences are the caves of their
souls.”

After reading it, there was no discussion. We were invited to contemplate it individually in
silence.

That morning I walked outside and faced the green hills before me. I am o+cia&y in love with God.

! 6
 “I know the way you can get”
A poem by Hafiz

I know the way you can get

When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,

Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness

And ca& an important conference in a ta& tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness

That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one’s self.

O I know the way you can get

If you have not been drinking Love:

! 7
 You might rip apart
Every sentence your ,iends and teachers say,
looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale

Like a dead fish.

You might pu& out a ruler to measure

From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get

If you have not had a drink ,om Love’s

Hands.

That is why a& the Great Ones speak of

The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you wi& come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:

Bring your cup near me,
For I am a Sweet Old Vagabond
With an Infinite Leaking Barrel
Of Light and Laughter and truth
that the Beloved has tied to my back.

Dear one,
Indeed, please bring your heart near me.
For a& I care about
Is quenching your thirst for ,eedom!

A& a Sane man can ever care about

Is giving Love!

! 8
 Be sti&, be educated
Where were we? Ah, on knowledge. The quote “know yourself, know your Lord” came to mind.
Next question, then, was: how do I know myself?

“Good one,” my personal Lord said. “Actually, you don’t have to ‘do’ anything. Just fix your mind
on Me. Prostrate to Me. Face Me at all time.”

‘Fix thy mind on Me’ was somehow a very strong theme for me, especially during the last two
months. In the language of lover, God gets jealous
when my attention strays away from him$out of
His Kindness. He was doing me favor. It was the
only way for me to survive.

Then be still. I need to allow myself to be moved

and to be educated. In the ark of Noah, as Rumi
said, stop swimming.

A friend asked me this once$what does it mean to

be still? I realized at once that it was not easy for
me to explain.

The best response I could give was: it is just like what it sounds: to be still. Quiet inside. So we
can really listen. To provide space for the education to happen. To allow the feelings to rise. But
not to indulge in it nor in our thoughts. I could see my friend getting none the wiser listening to
my answer :p

My personal Lord gave yet another tip on this subject, “Don’t forget to ask Me.” The prophet
was enjoined to ask for an increase in knowledge through a simple prayer of “Rabb zitni ilmin$
Lord, increase me in knowledge.” Ask. Ask even how to ask. Ask what to ask. Seek refuge in Him
from Him.

Every single thing, every single instance is education.

! 9
 “The di-erence is”
A%nother& poem by Hafiz

What is the di-erence

Between your Existence
And that of a Saint?

The Saint knows

That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
That the Saint is now continua&y
Tripping over joy
And Bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am a,aid you sti& think
You have a thousand serious moves

! 10
 I look, therefore I se!
It is amazing what I can see when I really want to look.

I was in the garden. I saw leaves falling from the trees to the ground. I thought that was the end
of them. But no, I got to rake the leaves, stack them, let it rot a bit and become leaf mold, then
use them in a couple of years to provide nutrition for future trees.

The garden has strong links with the kitchen. Lettuces from the garden are brought to the
kitchen. Chop chop. Some go to the table, others go to the compost bin. The ones in the
compost bin returns to the garden. It is a full circle in itself.

I was still outside, making a bonfire. The wind was extremely strong. The smoke from the
bonfire seemed to be following me every which way I went. Then I realized I needed to pay
attention on where the wind blew and moved to the opposite direction to avoid the smoke.
Move with the wind.

It was almost lunchtime. Setting and clearing table was always a nice thing to watch. Nobody is
told to do anything. No clear job distribution$who was doing the cutlery, the fruit, the bread,
the butter, etc. Yet everybody chipped in. Each doing what the other was not doing, filling in the
gaps. Everything just flowed. One movement.

I must admit I am a novice when it comes to housekeeping, kitchen and garden. And I must say,
it is so good to come from a place of not knowing. It kept me very open %and obedient& to
whatever task was given to me. It was a humble position that I often do not undertake in the real
world.

It is amazing what I can see when I really want to look.

Note to self: Sometimes, however, it is best to see things as what they are and nothing more. Don’t
read into things too much.

! 11
 What do you want for Christmas?
I loved that question. The question was posed during a conversation on Christmas day.

“What do you want for Christmas?” he said. Everybody then secretly and not so secretly started
to state his/her wishes, including me.

Then he continued, “knowing for certain that you are going to get it?” Everybody fell silent,
including me. Doubts emerged. Such is the quality of faith and trust I have for Him and my
relationship with Him, along with the certainty I have upon my request to Him and His
generosity.

Funny people that we are. We ask for something that we know we cannot get ourselves, even as
we ask we doubt whether we will be given. And for things that we think we can get ourselves, we
arrogantly do not even bother to ask. Then we complain that we never satisfy.

.Note to self: Write more about request ,om the beautiful Chapter on Seth of the Fusus al Hikam./

! 12
 Does it matter ,om whom it comes ,om?
I wanted to borrow a book from A. He kept forgetting. B came along. Formally, A had a higher
position than B. B o'ered his book to me. I refused at first but finally accepted it somewhat
reluctantly. I wanted the book from A, not B. I expected A to lend the book to me, not B.

Silly me, did it really matter? I made a %silent& fuss over who gave it to me$out of formal rank$
when all that mattered was the fact that I got the book.

We often refused what is given to us just because it did not come in the package that we
expected to come and not delivered by the person%s& we desired to deliver.

When He knows better. God knows best.

! 13
 My mirror's(
Are you familiar with the saying that everyone you meet is in one way or another a mirror for
you? This principle was very strong throughout the six months.

However a person was or whatever %s&he did, it somehow reflected my states$some mirrors were
not that flattering, I must tell you. But there were beautiful mirrors as well, many beautiful
mirrors. *hugs*

What’s more, to watch how I respond to certain situation or certain people was also very telling.
It vividly told me about myself, pointed out my strong reactions against some small stu',
somewhat unnecessarily.

I was put right in front of my mirror%s& so that I can see myself. So that I have the guts to face, to
learn about, to know, and to accept myself. Remember, be still. Allow myself to be moved and to
be educated.

To know and accept myself unconditionally. The way He accepts me. The way He always has
been accepting me.

“It’s very important”, someone whom I respected so much once said to me, “To start with
yourself. You have to start from you$see yourself, love you, accept you as you are.”

She was so right. Lord, do make it easy for me.

! 14
 On my kne!
Quite literally so.

A perfect example of how things can rapidly change around here.

There I was, a nice sunny snowy day, listing down all the things I want to do that day, running
here and there, and suddenly I stepped into a trench, twisted my knee, and could not get up. Uh.
Then the day%s& changed from there on.

I was taken to hospital. Thank God nothing was broken or torn. It was strained ligament around
the right knee. Still, I needed to walk on crutches %and later using a walking stick& for about a
month. I could not do most of the %physical& work I could so easily do previously.

Life in Chisholme, however, went on. And so did the education. Even this incident is part of the
education.

! 15
 Compassion. Amazing the variety and abundance of compassion that was extended to me
through the people around me. They kept o'ering to help. Meals were delivered to my room. I
got to stay in the main house to make it easier for me to participate in the school’s activities.
Friends brought two cups of tea %not one, but two J, so nice$I got to drink tea and have nice
companies as well&. People opened the door for me. Simple things. All full of compassion.

Receiving. Oh, one of the most valuable lessons from the incident: me exercising my receiving
muscle. I learned to say ‘yes’ to every o'er made to me. Total dependence. Humility. All those
foreign and distant terms to this independent proud me.

School support. I really think that the school has gone an extra mile or two for me. All the
‘special facilities’ %room, room service, etc& o'ered and all the trips to the hospital and
physiotherapy treatments.

I wondered about the strong very(willing support then I realized that these are all part of the
School’s commitment to support the education. It is all part of the education. Even this. So this
had to be supported as well.

Slowed down. Stopped. Several days before the incident, I told a friend that the nice thing
about this education was that there was also something to do$one thing after another. Then
suddenly this happened.

There was nothing for me to do. “It seemed that you have been stopped,” said a friend. True. I
was ‘left’ lying in my bed for days, facing nothing but myself. I supposed the time was ripe. I
knew very well at that point that the game has gone up a notch %or two&. Hi me.

A sore knee. Me being me, I gave this incident a lot of thoughts and made a lot of conjectures
along the way. Why did this happen to me? What does it mean? What was with the timing of the
incident? What is it trying to say? Why the knee$the right knee? What does it symbolize?

Then a friend came and said, “perhaps Eva, you just have a sore knee? Have you thought about
that?” She was, of course, absolutely right. It was as simple as that. I just needed to accept it and
not tried to think too much into it. Simply accept.

I told another friend about the incident and half confiding why it happened to me. Her response
was simple: “You have asked to be brought close, and this is how He brings you close.” So true.

! 16
 Too positive!
I supposed this text still referred to the knee incident. I had an interview several weeks after the
incident %we regularly have interviews with members of the sta' about what’s going on with us&
and I told my interviewer about this.

I went on and on about all the valuable lessons learned from the incident. She listened intently
and attentively. Then she said, “You are being too positive.” Oops.

She was right, of course. I tried to see this in a positively light. Consciously I feel like I have
totally accepted what had happened to me. Consciously. By being this positive, I have created a
barrier for the ‘negative’ feelings that was swirling %like mad& in my subconscious. Anger. Sadness.
Frustration.

I knew she was right. I fully realized that the conversation had touched something in me.
Because three days after that, I spent most of the time crying without knowing why I cried.

God, she said, does not really want you to be all positives. He wants you to come to Him as you
are$happy, sad, patient, angry, etc. Just come as you are. Don’t hide anything from Him. He
accepts and loves you as you are. The question is do you accept and love you as you are? Touché.

The other day we went to visit a Buddhist monastery nearby. We talked about freedom. The
monk said that freedom is about being what you really are, doing what you want to do, saying
what you want to say.

Similar line.

This is not about being happy and positive all the time. It is about being who you truly are.
Accept, be and love it. It is about nodding to everything that comes up and acknowledging it as
His education and expression of Love.

! 17
 Make it easy for m!
Let me pick up from where we left of in the previous text. This nodding business$being still in
the midst of this education, acknowledging His expression, facing Him at all time$is not an easy
thing. In fact$as I am sure you have had first hand experience%s&$it can be pretty tricky.

There was one time$thank God it was only that one time that it got that intense$that I felt it
was too much. I was sure that He had overestimated me. I could not see how this could possibly
be a movement of love. I could not see a single thread of education in that moment. I was
frustrated and upset.

So I complained to Him. I went up the hill and sat on the bench, cried myself out, and said, “I
thought I specifically asked you to make it easy for me.” That was one of my favorite prayers:
May the Lord make this easy for me. It did not feel like it at that time.

The response to which came several days later. I suddenly dawned to me that this was easy.
Honestly. Look at all the support, the cushion, and the help that I had around me. I could not
have been in a safer place to experience this education. Praise be to Him.

! 18
 A private a-air

I cannot remember when exactly but we had a day of silence during our course, and it was a
wonderful experience. I got to spend the day with myself. And Him.

That day I realized how this a'air between Him and me$between this particular servant and
her Lord$was very private. This is a private a'air. The way He wants me to lead my life, the way
He wants me to face Him is specific to me. This is my private religion.

I can feel how strongly this privacy is respected here as well. I$as with each of my friends$was
given space to travel my path and to face whatever I needed to face. Sometimes
I got lonely and felt that I was left alone, but
I really was not. The support was always
there, but I need to realize that each of us
travels individually in our specific path.

It is not easy. Well, it is easy enough to see

that for ourselves, in my opinion. It was not
so easy to see that when it comes to other
people, especially for a person such as I am
who has this tendency of saving the world.
Often my natural inclination is to extend
help to the people around me, especially
those whom I care so much.

I am sure we have experienced this. We think that we are strong enough. But when it comes to
our partners, to our children, to our best friends, somehow we do not have the same confidence
in them.

We think that they need our help. We extend our hands too soon, not realizing that they are
much stronger than we think they are, not realizing that the help might jeopardize the education
that they are undergoing.

So lesson of the day for me: Give people space. Give myself the space I need. Respect the
process. And have a little more trust in Him. It is all a very private a'air.

A private a-air was also an important lesson I learned ,om you.

! 19
 True ,iendship
“Hold on to the rope of God in collectivity.
Don’t let yourself fall apart.”

It is quoted from Al Qur’an %note to self: must get th!

reference on the exact chapter and vers!&.

We think we are in this together. Well, not really. At

least, not the way we think it is.

How about this approach: Each of us holds on to the

rope of God. We face God individually. Then let Him
arrange how we interact between us and how relate to
one another. Trust that He is the Best Arranger.

The friendship that grows from there would, God

willing, be true friendship, through Him. We would be companions to one another in the path of
God. How sweet is that.

By this time, some of you might be wondering what the h*ll has happened to her %meaning, me&
with all this talk. Chill out, I’d say. Give me another two minutes and my wit and sarcasm would
be back before you know it. Then you’ll be sorry.

! 20
 “We should talk about this problem”
A%nother& poem by Hafiz. To a beautiful friend.

There is a Beautiful Creature

Living in a hole you have dug

So at night
I set ,uit and grains
And little pots of wine and mil
Beside your so) earthen mounds

And I o)en sing

But sti&, my dear,

You do not come ou%

I have fa&en in love with Someone

Who hides inside you

We should talk about this proble0

Otherwise,
I wi& never leave you alone.

My beautiful ,iend.

! 21
 The art of fo&owing
If there is one form of art to master, it would be the art of following.

Even a leader is a follower. He listens intently to his environment and follows its movement,
while ensuring that the principles are forever in tact. He does not become the guide and follows
the source of all guidance, the real Guide. He follows his pure heart.

To really look. To be still. To be educated. To love. To know. To follow. To be.

All this to help us prepare “a receptivity of the heart pre(ordained where meanings will filter in
until the receptacle is so attuned to this meaning that it will lay itself open and ready to receive
the full impact of the weight the meaning represents.

This condition is not obtainable either be it by resolve, application or fortitude. It is a gift,

directly given by the Giver of all gifts for whatever reason He alone knows why”. A quote from
Bulent’s forward in the white Fusus. I hope I have not taken it out of context.

If there is one form of art to master, it would be the art of following.

! 22
 Watch the endings
On the last day of the course, a friend approached me and shared what she had heard in the
morning meeting that day. Two things, she said.

One.This is the last day of the course, which means that the course has not ended yet. Even if
the actual course has ended, be certain that the education shall continue on.

Two. Watch the endings. Whatever that may mean. Just watch the endings.

So I watched my endings. A rays of feeling$sad that this

precious course will ‘end’ soon and we all will go our own
way, happy to go home soon, thankful for the
opportunity, etc. The day went on as normal$packing,
abluting or cleaning rooms, preparing for the end(of(
course feast. Chatted and ate during the feast. Cleaning
up after that.

My moods fluctuated at that day/evening. Towards the

end of the evening, I could not understand my own state.
I grew more and more silent. It was time to go.

I left the party early %so sorry to not join the after(dinner
occasion. It would have been great if I could come. But it
would not be kind to myself.& I found myself walking
around outside when I encountered a friend walking
towards the dorm.

She made the kindest invitation. “Would you like to go to the monument up in the hill?” she
o'ered. So at midnight, I found myself there, on top of the hill by the monument, pouring my
heart out.

This is my ending. What it means, I don’t know. But I am thankful.

! 23
 Do you think you wi& be di-erent?
What a question.

My first response was, “I don’t know. You need to ask the people around me back home and see
whether they notice any di'erence in me.”

Second response was, “But I tell you what the theme that is so strong for me during this last
months. It is “fix thy mind on Me” and “be still.” So if I can go home with this way of being, if I
can fix my mind on Him and be still, allow myself to be educated, I think I shall be fine.” God
willing.

During our last conversation as a group, there was a kind reminder how these
last six months have helped us to have ‘a taste’, and
the taste shall remain with us. We were
reminded to keep returning %to Him& and
keep asking %Him&, especially to ask Him
to keep increasing us in knowledge.

And keep companions in the Path

with you, they said. It helps to have
companions. I sat there and realized how
blessed I am, having all those
companions here and back home. So
blessed.

Towards the end of my stay, I went up the hill to do my usual

thing of sitting and conversing with self %or Self?&. I asked: “What now? What else do I need
to do?” The response was clear and simple: “Good deeper. Fly higher. And Love. Just love.” I
smiled. It was the same old thing, but not really.

I knew the education would continue on. I am still learning to leave all the space in my heart to
God, preparing it to receive the full impact of the weight the meaning represents and to be a
mirror of God’s vision of Himself.

And if all praises belong to Him, then I shall be praising Him every time I look at you$my
friends in Beshara and everywhere else in this world$and remember you.

! 24
 Strengthening the roo%

“So when will you arrive in Jakarta?” asked a friend.

“Insya Allah, God willing, mid April, “ I said.

He chuckled and said, “Insya Allah. So you are still a Moslem, uh?”

I smiled and said, “Of course.” The education has not %and never had the intention to& change my
religion. If anything, it has strengthened and deepened %god willing& my understanding of my
religion.

So, no worries.

! 25
 “The 10,000 idiots”
Yet another poem by Hafiz

It is always a danger

to aspirants on the Path

When they begin to believe and ac%

As if the ten thousand idiots

Who so long ruled and lived insid!

Have a& packed their bags

And skipped tow1

Or

Died

A reminder that the 10,000 idiots are still well in tact in me.

! 26
 Eva Muchtar, 2009

! 27