The Laws of Golf - 211 Golf Jokes

211 Golf Jokes and
Sayings for You, Your

Friends and Golfing
Partners!
Published by John Matherly
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1. The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend
over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell
about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its
attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is
breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must
solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your
group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a
professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly
out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break"
can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it
really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
2. Religious Golf Battle
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon
Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr.
Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you
to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in
his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll
make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it
was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed
to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his
success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
3. Ten years on a deserted island
A Scotsman is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees
a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's
not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a
pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask
and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and
she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
4. This is my First Golf Lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to
do the same thing."
5. Is he a Good Dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new
set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that
so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a
shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
6. I did all of That?
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse
and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a
policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about
twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and
crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five
other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building
burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
7. Golfing with an Older Man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine
holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was
golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded
along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway
and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right
in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You
know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up,
right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot
from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine
tree was only three feet tall."
8. The Amazing Golf Ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman
runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing
to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the
water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and
spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your
eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets
dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose
this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did
you get it?"
"I found it."
9. An Engineer, Doctor, and Pastor Golfing
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic
pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if
there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

10. Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are
playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a
very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit.
He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the
other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started
toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies
to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired!!!"
11. What will you do for Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck
for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel
the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new
house is being poured next Tuesday."

12. I want to buy a Golf Ball
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde
golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the
manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go,
could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
13. The Problems with Golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the
fast people always end up behind you.
14. Members Only Club 1
All his life, a most proper and dignified English Lawyer widower, with a considerable
income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain's truly exclusive
golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the
area.
Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would
ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course.
The club's secretary inquired, "Member ?" "No, sir."
"Guest of a member?" "No, sir."
"Sorry," the secretary said.
As he turned to leave, the lawyer spotted a slightly familiar figure seated in the
lounge reading the London Times. It was Lord Willoughby Parham.
The lawyer approached Lord Parham and, bowing low, said, "I beg your pardon, your
Lordship, but my name is Higginbotham of the London Solicitor -- Higginbotham and
Barclay. I should like to ask your Lordship's indulgence. Might I play this beautiful
course as your guest?"
His Lordship gave Higginbotham a long look, put down his paper and his pipe and
asked:
"Church?" "Church of England, sir, as was my late wife."
"Education?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Eton, sir, and Oxford with a Blue and
Honors.
"Sport?" "Rugby, sir, spot of tennis and number four on the crew that beat
Cambridge."
"Service?" "Brigadier, sir, Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross and Knights of the
Garter."
"Campaigns?" "Dunkirk, El Alemain and Normandy, sir."
"Languages?" "Private tutor in French, fluent in German and a bit of Greek."
His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the club secretary and said, "Nine
Holes."
15. I Missed
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the
guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him
not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses
a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he
continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him
down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed."
All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest!
Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
16. Water Hazard
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him
and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the
golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown
myself."
The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough
to drown!"
17. St. Peter
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah",
says St. Peter, "we´ve been expecting you. I´d like to let you walk through the pearly
gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you´ve lived a good life....BUT....I
see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn´t
you?"
"Yes", says the man, "but it was only one time."
St. Peter said, "Well, I’ve been known to make an exception when there are
extenuating circumstances."
So the man says, "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf!"
St. Peter said, "Ohhhh, so you’re a golfer, are you? Well that DOES explain a lot. Go
ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
The man began to explain, "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one
stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the
peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron
instead of the four iron..."
St. Peter said, "Ah, and THAT´S when you said the "F" word?"
The man replied, "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball
was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right
into the ball´s path..."
So St. Peter said, "You said the "F" word then, didn´t you?"
"Well, no," the man continued, "just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and
the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green, where it landed and started
to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came
onto the green and came towards my ball..."
A very agitated St. Peter asked, "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
The man replied, "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where
it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
To which St. Peter screamed, "YOU DIDN´T MISS THE F---ING PUTT, DID YOU??"
18. Old Ball
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which
was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young
man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the
water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one
into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into
the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of
balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old
ball."
19. Romance
A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too
much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the
husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I
must play every day."
"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it
every day."
"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."
20. Old Ball 2
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the
15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is
also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last
minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent
man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto
the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use
a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly
advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once
again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now
awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a
practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the
old ball."
21. True Story
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer,
I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually,
"It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
22. Slice
One morning, a gentleman caused a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his driver
back into the bag and proceeded toward the wooded area where he thought his shot
had entered. Shortly after entering the woods, he noticed he was coming upon the
fence surrounding the golf course.
On the other side of the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and ambulances
attending what looked like an over turned school bus. The golfer stopped at the
fence, called over a bystander and inquired, "What in heaven's name happened
here?"
The answer brought chills up the golfers back as he was told that it looked as though
a small round object had crashed through the drivers window; striking the driver in
the forehead and causing instant death. Unfortunately, that was not the worst!
Several students riding on the bus had been critically injured with multiple fractures
and two small children had been found thrown from the bus and were pronounced
dead at the scene.
The golfer was in a state of shock, and without saying a word, quickly and quietly
turned and headed back for the club house before anyone suspected him of this
horrible tragedy. Upon arriving at the club house, he knew he could not hold this
secret inside and looked for an official of the club.
No one seemed to be around except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation,
the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in and stated, "I sliced off of
number 1 and the ball went through a school bus window and it killed the driver,
critically injured several students and caused the death of two young students! What
in heaven's name do I do now?" To which the pro replied, "You might try either
closing the club face a bit or moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball to
travel!"

23. LOFT
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told
the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few
balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double
checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing
and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest
fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious
Sir -- it's LOFT".
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated
his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice
range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still
LOFT". The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an
ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT".
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit
my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least
lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a
middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do
mean by LOFT?"
The pro looked at him and explained, "Lack Of F___king Talent!".
24. Tees
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at
the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league
night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He
then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his
Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his
trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do
me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and
get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think
you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she
replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to
the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of
her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He
replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she
commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."
25. Three Wishes
A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was
searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he
picked it up, a great genie appeared.
"This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" he
inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife
will get ten times greater."
So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the club." The
genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten
times better." "Okay," he said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is
granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars."
The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the man replied,
"Give me a slight heart attack."
26. Eventually
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie.
The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was
getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized
up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
And the caddie replied, "Eventually."
27. FIRST WIFE'S LAMENT
One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was
watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't
see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy
again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and
continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a
loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I
guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of
yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding
even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It
would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding
herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."
28. Golfer’s Heaven
There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the
rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the
ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't
miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around
anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding
balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with
witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was
tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was
interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible
drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the
foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.
"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume,
do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you
know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth
as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you
might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too
much golf in my lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as
playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about
heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf
courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and
check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the
angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was
gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side
and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're
back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I
have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do
you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been
designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens
fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand
of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly
mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a
ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always
ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will
score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news
possibly be?" John wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."
29. God and the Devil
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The
devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the
fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds
into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then another and then
miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway.
Instead of landing safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back
of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away.
Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of
the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the water when a giant water spout
arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace.
The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you
want to screw around?"
30. Tough Course
I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!
31. First Tee
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was
sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his
wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice
of the pro from the clubhouse said," Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee
his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."
The voice broke the man's concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball
again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated,
"Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers
for his first shot." The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, "Would
you please tell the gentleman in the club house that the gentleman on the first tee is
hitting his second shot?"

32. Hole in One
Q: Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the course with him?
A: Just in case he gets a hole in one.
33. Police Officer
A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which
greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5
o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8
o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as
he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of
them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage
set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed
his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force,
asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective
notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining,
and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective
notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as
he couldn't take it anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully
wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the
Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.
34. Fred
Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole
Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was
speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
"Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
"Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag
Fred..."
35. 7 Iron Shot
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly
to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a
cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We
agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried
to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few
practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks
of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he
took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I
used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"
36. Jesus & Moses
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215 yard par
three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron.
Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, "That's not enough club; you
need at least a 4 wood." Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole
the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie."
Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!"
Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball,
smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, "I told you that was not
enough club; you need at least a 4 wood." Jesus said, "This will be fine -- remember
what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As
Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.
About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in
the new foursome said, "What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at
least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?" "No," replied Moses, "He
thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
37. Funeral
A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the
18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over
his heart as the procession passed. "That was really a very nice gesture," one of his
buddies said. "Hey, it's the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th
wedding anniversary!"
38. A Seven!
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to
a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage
barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll
have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot.
It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the
head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure
enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the
same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front
door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man
said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened." "What

was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"
39. Eyesight
There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a
round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man
replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm
sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that
can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old
caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So
off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you
see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and
the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I
forget!"
40. Golf vs. Sky Diver
What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

The golfer says, "Whapp! Oh, Shit!" And the sky diver says, "Oh, Shit. Whapp!"
41. Wives and Mistresses
There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who
were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, "Go up there and ask if we can play
through!" So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and
he hurried back without saying a word to them. "I can't go up there. One of them is
my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask." "Okay," said the first man, and he
started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he
came running back without speaking to them. "Me too!!!" he said.
42. A Very Special Day
There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a
very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round.
They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be
happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to
play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She
hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game.
Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her
life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was
doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second
shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very
difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men
were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always
wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie
the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way
to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it
for you!"
Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two
weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches
above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've
had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10
inches high of the cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of
them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"
43. Genie
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third
hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to
slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their
surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had
happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband
called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman
sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see
there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will
keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the
husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of
$1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have
not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch
golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked
the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

44. Mulligan
So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps
bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the
following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive,
and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive,
and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever
saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
"That was my ball," the guy said.
"What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says
"Titleist 3."
"Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."
45. A Great Deal of Pleasure
My friend, when asked about his golf game, replied, "It's a lot like masturbation. I
derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."
46. Attorney
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his
ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you
$5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", said the attorney.
47. Eating Healthy
An avid golfer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and
tells him that he has a tee time at Heaven's replica course of Pebble Beach and that
some of his old golfing friends are already at the tee waiting for him. Furthermore, he
has a starting time the next morning at the replica of St. Andrews and that he can
check in after that for his future starting times. He joins his old friends and has a fine
day at Pebble. His golf is not perfect (that would be Hell) but he is striking the ball
well, has back his old vigor, and is ready to go the next morning at St. Andrews.
When he checks in the next day, St Peter inquires about his game and asks him if
there is anything else that can be done to make his stay more enjoyable. "Well, St.
Peter" says the golfer, "This is fantastic. If it hadn't been for all that Oat Bran my wife
had been feeding me, I could have been here 7 years ago."

48. HIS DAY IN COURT
"Okay, young man, let me hear your story again, from the beginning," the judge said
peering over his reading glasses. "You see, your honor," the young man began, "I
was playing golf. I was about 140 yards out from the green when a frog whispered
from the rough, 'Use an 8-iron.' I thought I'd try what the frog said and used an 8-iron.
I hit the ball onto the green and it rolled into the cup for an eagle.
Then the frog said, 'Take me to Vegas.'
"What?" I said.
'You heard me,' repeated the frog, 'take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog and
we'll make a bundle!' So we flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered to me,
'Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line.' I did as the frog said and
we ended the evening over $100,000 ahead. I then took the frog upstairs to my room
and the frog said to me, 'Kiss me.' I figured what the hell and I kissed the frog. When I
did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond
hair, beautiful smile and a terrific body.
"And I swear, your honor, that's how I came to be in the room with that 16 year old
girl."
49. ANOTHER FROG STORY
The golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked
over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water.
He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and
got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.
"Hey, mister," the voice said.
He looked around and saw no one. He started back to drop his ball along the ball's
line of flight as it went into the hazard.
"Hey, mister," the voice said again.
He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog.
This time he was looking at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."
"Yeah? What do you want, frog?" he asked.
"Mister, I'm really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and
turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild passionate love
for hours," the frog said.
The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He
walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third
shot.
"Hey, mister," the frog called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball
onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going to
kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

50 . A Good Fairy
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some
buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized
himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.
Then a fairy appeared. She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's
beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the
rest of your life!"
"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into
the pussywillows?"
51. It Will Happen Again
What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation?

You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will
happen again!
52. A Small Box
A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and
finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every
time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she
thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you.
However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had
collected a dozen balls I would sell them."
53. The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

54. Members Only 2
On the day after his Master's victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive
golf club.
He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, "I am sorry sir but this club
does not allow non-members to enter. However, if you would still like to play, there is
an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road."
Tiger responds, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
The guard replies, "I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that case the other
course is an easy 5 iron down the road."
55. Some Old Guy
One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off and it
landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the ball. Moses was next,
he hit the ball into the water so he parted the water and got his ball. Then the old
man teed off it was heading for the water too when a fish swallowed the ball. But
before the fish returned into the water a heron grabbed the fish and the heron flew
over the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for an ace. Then Moses
turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."
56. Favorite Drink
Q: What is a golfer's favorite soft drink?

A: Slice
57. Chinese Visitor
It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired
business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly
acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played
the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He
replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow
pasture. Name of game is Oh sh-t."
58. Ten Minutes Late
A foursome of executives had a standing date every Saturday to play golf. As luck
would have it, one of the executives was transferred to another city. The man who
came to take his place was also a golfer. The three that were left were delighted and
invited him to take their friend's place on Saturday.
"What time do you tee off?" asked the new player.
The three replied, "At 9:00 a.m."
The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait for me. I'll be
there."
Saturday came, and the new guy was waiting for them. They began their game, and
this new guy proceed to beat the fire out of all of them. At the 19th hole, the original
threesome asked if the new guy would play the next Saturday in order for them to get
their money back.
"What time do you tee off?" asked the new player.
The three replied, "Same as today, at 9:00 a.m."
The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait on me. I'll be
here."
The next Saturday, the new player was, once again, waiting on them when they
arrived. They began playing, but this time the new player played LEFT HANDED, and
proceeded to beat them even more soundly than the Saturday before.
At the 19th hole, the three said, "Man, we have NEVER seen anyone play as well as
you. But tell us, how do you know from which side to play?
The new guy said, "It's very simple. When I get up on Saturday morning, if my wife is
sleeping on her right side, I tee it up on the right. If she is sleeping on her left, I tee it
up from the left."
"And what is she is sleeping on her back?" the threesome asked.
"Well, I'm ten minutes late!" said the new guy.
59. Fore
We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the
tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of
them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated
cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and
walked up the fairway discussing the situation.
Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us.
When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!
60 . Gorilla
A man and his gorilla are sitting in the club house when the club champion comes in.
"I'll bet you $500 per hole my gorilla can play better golf than you," says the man.
The champion looks at the man, looks at the gorilla, and says "You're on." And off
they go to the first tee.
The first hole is a long par four over water. The man gives the champion the honors.
The champion tees up and hits a beautiful drive straight up the middle, over the
water, chipping distance from the green.
"Nice shot," says the man.
The gorilla then tees up, booms the drive onto the green, and into the hole! The
champ picks up his ball and they head off to the next hole, a beautiful par five, along
the creek with a slight dogleg left.
The gorilla tees up and booms another drive, drawing it just enough to land it on the
green, inches from the pin. The champ, humiliated, concedes the hole and the match.
They head back to the clubhouse.
As they settle the bet, the champ remarks how well the gorilla plays. "I've never seen
anyone drive it as far. By the way, since he aced the first hole and I conceded match
before finishing the second, I never got to see how he putts."
"Oh," says the man, pocketing his money, "he putts just exactly like he drives!"
61. General
After 45 years in the military, most of it in charge of an artillery division, the General
finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired of hearing his
complaints, told him to get a hobby. He chose golf.
Never having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid
golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par four of 425
yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the General that he had to hit
the ball to the flag.
The General lined up his shot, took a powerful swing and knocked the ball to just 2
inches from the cup. The aide was amazed.
As they left the teeing ground towards the green, the aide remarked how great the
shot was, it "almost" went in the hole.
"Almost?" said the General. "What do you mean?"
"Well," explained the aide, "the object is to get the ball INTO the hole in as few
strokes as possible."
Staring at the aide in disgust, the General screamed "Why, the hell didn't you tell me
that before!!??"
62. Bee Sting
A young woman, just after beginning her round was stung by a bee. After returning to
the pro shop and telling the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.
"Where were you stung,?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replies.
"Well," said the pro, "first of all your feet are too far apart."
63. Well….
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole.
He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of
the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge
knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.
Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give
him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf
game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the
16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding
out?"
The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my
pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
64. Thirty-Six Holes
After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before
heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty.
They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her
apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He
loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so
he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf
today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her
apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again,
and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played
thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
65. Drivers
Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di??

A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.
66. Exercise
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of
exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their
wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if
she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
67. A Recent Study
A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a

particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers
who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home
and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the
19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his
refrigerator.
68. Justice of the Peace
The justice of the peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends
one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect
opportunity for a free lesson. But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical
of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.
But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to
embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave
and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a
foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."
"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I
don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join
us, and after our round I can marry them."
69. 8 Iron is not enough
Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep
into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into
the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches
diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the
location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a
skeleton laying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down
here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the
matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here
with an 8."

70. Passionate Golfer
Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became
more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when
he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.
Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or
since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire.
Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club
house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.
At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate
condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how
'bout it?"
Joe looked up and said "What time?"
71. Extra Shots
A man is on holiday in Africa and is driving along in his jeep, when he comes upon a
golf course. Happening to have his clubs with him, he decides to ask about whether
he can play a round. Upon inquiring, the pro tells him that it is quite all right, just so
long as the man uses one of the local caddies. Having no problem with this, the man
sets out accompanied by the caddie.
Everything is going OK until the 3rd fairway, when, all of a sudden, a lion runs out of
the jungle towards the man. With this, the caddie suddenly pulls out a rifle and shoots
the lion dead just before it reaches the man.
"I can see now why I need you!" exclaimed the man to the caddie.
Carrying on, they approached the 10th tee, when, suddenly, a leopard bounded
towards the man from the undergrowth. Thankfully, once again, the caddie pulled out
his rifle and kills the animal.
Thanking the caddie once again, they moved on.
Three holes later the man was about to play his putt on the 13th green when a
crocodile came out of the greenside pond and promptly bit his leg off. Writhing
around the green in agony the man angrily asked his caddie why on earth he didn't
take his rifle out again, to which the caddie replied, "Sorry, but you don't get a shot on
that hole, sir!"
72. European Tour
After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour,
the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time.
Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and
they both sat up straight.
"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.
"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."

73. My Wife is Watching
Bob stood over his tee shot on the eighteenth hole for what seemed like forever. He'd
waggle, look down, look up, waggle, look down, look up, but would never start his
backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on earth are you taking so long to
make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a
good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you ain't got a chance of hitting her from here."
74. The Sons
Four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first
tee. "My son," says one, 'Has made quite a name for himself in the home building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the
last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the first tee box, another tells him that they have been
discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not
very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's
been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual.
But, on the bright side, he must be very good at what he does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock
certificates."
75. A Coincidence
A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer
duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it
and plays the second day, which is even worse.
So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game.
So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did
worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated,
he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, "You've got to
be the worst caddie alive!!" The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, "Nah,
that'd be too much of a coincidence!"

76. Gottcha
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the
side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit
you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they
went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the
golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down,
that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!'
"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
77. Fishing
Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their
shots. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the
rain."
78. In her Memory
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few
holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by
himself.
He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years,
but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly
someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so too," he replied, "but
they all wanted to go to the funeral."
79. Golf & Sex
Why are golf and sex so similar?

They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at
them.
80. Four Letter Words
Do you know why the game is called golf?

Because all the other four letter words were taken.

81. The O’Leary’s
Two golfers just came back to the club house for a drink. They overheard two Irish
men talking, "I used to live in Dublin too," said one. "I moved here when I was 10
too," said the other. "My last name is O'Leary too."
The two golfers that had heard asked a man walking by, "Who are these guys?"
The man said, "Oh! That's the O'Leary twins, they’re just drunk,"
82. What do I do now?
Two young friends learned golf in high school and played a lot together.
After high school they got jobs and proceeded to bet with each other. They were
pretty equally matched so first one would win and then the other would win. As a
matter of fact, at the end of the year neither was financially ahead of the other. As life
went on they made more money at their jobs and increased the size of their bets. Still
one would win and then the other would win. As usual, at the end of the year, neither
was financially ahead of the other.
They became really aged and decided to hang up the clubs but would play one last
game for $10,000 as each was independently wealthy. On 18th tee the game was
tied up. One hit a beautiful drive down the middle and the other sliced into the woods.
They looked for the ball for 15 or 20 minutes and the fellow on the fairway said, "I'm
going to hit up!" "Okay," said the other, "but I'll keep on looking."
The fellow in the fairway hit one of the best shots of his life and the ball rolled to
within 6 inches of the cup. As he approached the green and got his putter from his
caddie, the fellow in the woods shouted, "I found it!"
"Hit it then," said the fellow on the green!"
The guy in the woods hacked at the ball. It bounded off a branch, flew the trap, hit on
the apron, rolled onto the green and into the cup. At which the fellow on the green
said to his caddie, "What do I do now? I've got his first ball in my pocket!"
83. Can’t Tell Anyone!
One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day.
Although he knows that it's his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his
second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.
Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God "You can't let
that go unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his
vows."
God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In
fact, on the par 3 17th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the
hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.
St. Peter is very upset and says to God, "Do something! He's having the round of his
life!"
God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said "Yes, but who's he going to tell?"

84. Foul Language
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his
preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he
lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that
the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"
85. Passing Gas
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this
outrageous gas."
He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings
the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same
loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell. The doctor says, " H'm, interesting
case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.
"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.
"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.
86. Know better Caddies
For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but
the caddy always prevailed. Finally on the seventeenth hole, a 185-yard par three
into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a four-wood and the golfer balked.
"I think it's a three-iron," said the golfer.
"No, sir it's a four-wood," said the caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a three-iron."
So the golfer set up, took the three-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It
tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short
of the pin.
"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."
87. Would you play with such a Person?
My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with David anymore. I asked her "Would
you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that
other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to
putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."

88. Bus Schedule
At a Golf Course, the four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway
runs along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and
hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the
bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back
on to the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
89. Finally
This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf. Finally, one
morning he relented. Off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
Husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the
second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.
Husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
90. That’s what she needs
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a
number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the
counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday,
Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but
Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
91. Accident
A four ball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee
off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.
He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.
He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps, I've just heard my wife has
had a terrible accident. Could I play through?".
92. How to Count
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

93. Partner
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on
a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the
green into a bunker.
Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The
second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the
first golfer to putt the ball in.
"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer.
"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!!!
94. Misfortune
Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Samuel Littleman. Although Sam had a real zest
for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love
Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the
one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than
ups.
His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he
never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the
general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam
became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be
cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his
home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny
day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind
came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.
95. Expensive Game
Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water
hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag
and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits
that one into the pond as well.
This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, "
Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you
can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here ".
96. Only if it’s Raining
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice
swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he
swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot.
She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she
screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He
looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only
if it's raining"
97. The Braver Man
A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favorite
links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the
first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play
together.
It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories,
war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third
hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a run-a-way tank and
said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."
The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he
challenged. "Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory?
Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most
covert operations?"
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding
in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when
you're losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air
force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men
swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their
claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter.
Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play
again next week?"
To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologize, it seems I was
mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the
same golf course is a much braver man than myself!"
98. A Twelve
My golfing buddy once told me that he took a 12 on a par 3. I asked him, "How in the
world did you manage a 12 on a par 3?" To which he replied, "I sank a 30 foot putt."
99. Hole-in-one
Golf is great, why just yesterday I was only 2 strokes away from a hole-in-one.....

100. Red Tees are for Women
Several years ago my wife & I were putting on a golf class called "Golf For Novices."
It was for novice or beginner golfers to teach them the very basics of the game. It
included such things as the grip, stance and the swing. We also covered things like
etiquette and what to expect when you make your first trip to a golf course. We
mentioned that at our course there are two colored tees. The men play the blue tees
and the women play the red tees.
A few weeks later Bill arrived home fairly late one evening from his golf game. He
was living with Mary who happened to have been one of our enthusiastic, but not too
bright, students. She was somewhat agitated that he arrived home late but it wasn't
until he emptied his pockets onto his dresser that she went ballistic.
She flew into an intense rage and demanded to know who the woman was that he
had been golfing with. He hadn't a clue what her problem was & said he'd been
playing with his pals Brad, Jim & Elmer. She continued her tirade and said "Don't you
lie to me. I know you were with some woman." Finally he asked her to explain where
she was coming from. She replied "I know you were with some woman because I
took that beginners golfer course. They told me women play red tees and you just put
some red tees on your dresser!"
101. In Honor of his Wife
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few
holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by
himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20
years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been
willing to take her spot.
"So did I," he said "but they all wanted to go to her funeral"
102. Software Engineers
One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par
3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When
they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in.
As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.
A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess
out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and
then the ball in the hole. He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay.
Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"
103. Keep your Head down
A golfer returning to the club house after the worst round of golf of his life, requested
that his caddie give him his ball. Upon receiving the ball, he threw it into the lake. The
golfer then requested the caddie give him his clubs. The caddie asked what he was
planning on doing with the clubs and the golfer replied he was throwing them in the
lake, which he did.
The golfer then start walking toward the lake and the caddie asked what he intended.
The golfer said he was going to drown himself, to which the caddie replied, "You can't
do that, you can't keep your head down long enough!"
104. New York vs. Canada
What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?
In New York they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!"
In Canada they say, "Get off the green, eeehhh."
105. Hell
An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he
has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St. Peter,
where is the golf course?"
"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell.
On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's
rejection of heaven.
"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to
find this side of Augusta, Georgia."
The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and
decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full
package.
"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll
have the game of my after-life."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."
"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"
"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."
106. Wedding Anniversary
"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we
were married," said the pouting wife.
"Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

107. I Prefer Golf
During a Pro Am, Arnold Palmer's partner asked, "Well Arnold, what do you think of
my game?"
"It's OK," said Arnie, "but I prefer golf!"
108. Putting
Which is the easiest golf stroke?

The fourth putt!
109. Good Trade
A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their
games, their swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other
day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!
110. Improvements
"Noticed any improvements in my game, caddie?"

"Shined your clubs?"
111. 3 Rabbi’s
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named
Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could
play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is
104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are
rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to
his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they
shoot a 69, 70, 71.
He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting
lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
112. An Old Man 1
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled
up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a
water trap.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe
and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same
water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the
water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the
fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a
nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down
into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the
aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out
over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into
his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball
which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
113. The Golfing Nuns...
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter
groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the
man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and
q's!"
Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the
man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the
fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man
says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says,
"We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now
step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost
instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot.
The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the
man.
The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you
didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"

114. Nicklaus vs. Wonder
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says:
"How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in
all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still
making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have
got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all
right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are
blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I
listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to
where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me
with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game
sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money,
and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to
play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "Well, just about any night suits me."
115. Some Turf
A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and
looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
116. Choice
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to
choose, right ?"

117. Meeting new People
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course
sometime.
118. Insurance?
Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your
husband have a mutual climax?"
The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
119. Worth the Price!
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends
momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.
"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"
"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in
one, just as ordered.
On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two
holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the
history of golf."
"What's the pay back this time?" said the man.
"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.
"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were
amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-
one in the same game!
On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
"Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the
history of the world! C'mon!"
"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"
"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your
life." said the demon.
"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!
120. Question
Why is golf called "golf"?

Answer: Because all the other four letter words were taken.

121. Those Conventions
Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During
the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents
through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position
to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then
a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes
right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy
never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!
His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you
managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."
"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"
122. Good Counting
The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddie who can count and
keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 add up to?"
"11 sir," said the caddie.
"Good, you'll do perfectly."
123. A Scotsman naming Things
The Scotsman that invented golf said it was "fun" is the same guy that invented
bagpipes said it was "music."
124. A Four Wood
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his
caddie,
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddie handed him the four-wood,
which he topped and sent the ball about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a
putt."
125. A beautiful Secretary
At the Club's annual board meeting, the President was just about to finish, when one
of the members stops him: "There is one more item to discuss -- the exclusion of Mr.
Petersen."
"Why?" asked the President
"Last week he jumped our new beautiful secretary in the bunker at hole 9," the
President was informed.
"So, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!!"
"Yes, but he did not rake the bunker afterwards!!"
126. An American in Ireland
An American tourist was playing golf at Waterville, Co. Kerry in Ireland when he
came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young
boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the
boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the
boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.
The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to
bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back
to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.
About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you
tell me where the man is who saved my son?"
The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."
The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where
the man is who saved my son?"
"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.
A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you
the man who saved my son?"
"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.
"Well, would you have his cap?"
127. Best Balls
Said to a few of my friends that are patient enough for me to play a round with them.
"I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"oh yeah?"
"yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
128. Water Ball
Golfer: Would you mind wading into the pond and retrieving my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.
129. Tee Time Reservation
Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.
Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure
you'd find a starting time for them.
Manager: Of course we would, sir.
Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.
130. Green Golf Balls
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him
what he wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the
manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could
you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
He replies, "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!"
131. Your Hole
Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he
is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the
scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one
of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that
may be true, but it will still be your hole."
132. Two Club-Lengths
Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the
adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to
the ground.
Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball
laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"
Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable
obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths
away."
133. Call of Nature
A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call
of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that
he was unobserved.
However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed
they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding
from around the tree.
"He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady.

"Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady.
"It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!"
134. Corporate Golf Tournament
A new executive is told by his boss that he is expected to play in the corporate golf
tournament next week. Not knowing how to play he decides he better take a lesson.
The club pro advises that they start with the putter and then progress to the short
irons before tackling the long irons and woods. The man explains that he has to start
with the driver as he is expected to play in the corporate tournament. The pro relents
and tries to teach him as best he can.
On the day of the tournament the new exec steps to the first tee, a 165 yard par 3
hole. One of his partners suggests on this hole perhaps a 4 iron might be a better
choice. The exec explains that he has only had one golf lesson and the driver is the
only club he has hit. The exec takes a mighty swing and proceeds to slice the ball
right into the woods.
After a few minutes the exec finds the ball and once again pulls his driver out of the
bag. His partner suggests that he would be better off hitting a short chip back onto
the fairway. Again the new exec explains that he only knows how to hit the driver. He
proceeds to take a mighty swing, hitting the tree directly in front of him. The ball
careens off the tree, striking the exec in the middle of the forehead, knocking him
dead.
Saint Peter is surprised to see the executive so soon, and asked, "How did you get
here?"
"In two!" he replied.
135. Fore!
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

--FORE!!
136. Stopping the Ball
On completing his third round at the British Open at Lytham St. Anne's in 1969, Gary
Player was approached by a spectator who told him that he was amazed at how
Player could make his three iron shots stop dead on the green, and asked him how
he did it.
Player responded by asking the spectator how far he usually hit his three iron shots.
The spectator replied " Oh, about 120 to 130 yards". Player replied "What do you
want them to stop for?"

137. Those Putts
On scoring a double bogy at one of the easiest par three holes at the US Masters in
Augusta. Lee Trevino was asked by a spectator why he took a 5 on that easy par
three hole. Trevino relied "Because I missed my putt for a 4".
138. Late Arriving
One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or
playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"
139. New Game
One guy told his friend, "I've invented a new game that is quite a bit like golf."
"That game is not new," said his buddy. "I've been playing it for years!"
140. But that’s the Problem!
"Okay, take a swing without hitting the ball," said the golf pro as he began a lesson
with his new student.
"But THAT is exactly what I'm trying to correct," said the student.
141. These Caddies!
"Got any suggestions on my game, caddie?"

"Yes sir. Try laying off for thirty days."
"Then what?"
"Then quit."
142. He knows the Words
Seems a minister of the cloth and two of his congregation had booked a tee time and
as they prepared to tee off the club pro asked if a lone golfer, Glenn, could join them
to make a foursome.
After introductions all around they proceeded to play a fairly enjoyable round. The
only problem was the language used by Glenn whenever he played an errant shot.
This embarrassed the two laymen but nothing was said during the round.
As the three drove home the conversation came around to next Sundays activity at
church. At this point the minister suggested they should invite Glenn since after all,
"He seems to know all the words."
143. Sand Traps
An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local
Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't
anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said
he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old
said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real
problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand
traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which
landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said,
"Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
144. Slowest People
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and
the fastest are those behind.
145. No Game like Golf
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and
return with three enemies.
146. Rich Man’s Sport
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
147. Amateur
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and
once again after swinging

148. THE LAWS OF GOLF 2
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see
it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your
swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club
or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is
still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you
can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf
swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical
unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting
him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line
that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you
meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the
time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys
to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just
short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his
backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing
600mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and
checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is
wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can
put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
149. World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing every day.
THE END
150. GOLF IS LIKE SEX, YOU WON'T MISS IT UNTIL YOU CAN'T DO IT
151. Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
10. I bent my shaft!

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
3. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. My wife kisses my balls for luck.
152. Perfect team...almost.
An 85 year old man says to his doctor that he enjoys playing golf everyday but his
vision is not was it used to be and often time looses sight of the ball after hitting it.
The doctor suggest that another patient of his, a 90 year old man who as an excellent
vision is always looking for new ways to exercise so the doctor suggest the 2 hook up
and the 90 year old with the 20/20 vision can spot the ball for him. He agrees. Next
morning the 2 old gents meet on tee number one and the 85 year old guy tees off,
wow what a beauty says the 90 year old. Great says the 85 year old fellow, where did
it go, I dont remember says the 90 year old guy.
153. Golf Gun
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
154. Sayings about the Game Of Golf
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful woman partner, and a nice round of
golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.
Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4. Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man
torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in
one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes
when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd
come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and
hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down
five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players : "They throw their clubs
backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that
you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a
gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without
being good at them."
13. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of
lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
14. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field
was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
15. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf
players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
16. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are
the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
17. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last
game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
18. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts
because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
19. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants
to play through, let him."
20. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the
left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be
right over second base."
21. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank
a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on
the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he
came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
23. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental,
club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about
155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3-iron or a
wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Those are the only two
clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.

155. Golf Trip
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that
evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before
he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and
charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees
Golf: $1. 00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00"
He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed
to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional
brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that
luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At
least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the
room. Over here we get you by the balls!

156. It’s a gimme!
157. The Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house"
"Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, he ate the meat from one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell ond the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your mother's.... she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a
thief.
So I hit her with your new "Taylor Made r7 Quad Driver."
SILENCE
"Ernesto, if you broke that f @*king driver you're fired"
158. Wasted Time
I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted".
159. Idiots
Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them
gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in
this blizzard!"
160. He knew nothing
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game,
he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down
the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?"
the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . .you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was
able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
161. Trouble
One fine day, Dan and Steve are out golfing. Dan slices his ball deep into a wooded
ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in
search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Dan searches diligently and suddenly
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in
fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Dan excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Stevie, come here; I've got some
trouble down here."
Steve comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter
Dan? Everything OK?"
Dan shouts back in a nervous voice: "You'd better throw me my 8-iron! I doesn't look
like I'll get out of here with a 7."
162. Never Too Old To Learn
We're never too old to learn!
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and
it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure
were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation
began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below
decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at
night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it
was determined just what was happening.
After that, and for insurance purposes, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it
high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down
through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
163. Alternate shot
A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would
alternately hit the ball.
The husband teed off with a mighty drive just short of the green on the par four first
hole. As his wife stepped up, he said, "Don't worry honey, just chip it anywhere on to
the green."
His wife hit the ball with a mighty whack, and drove it 120 yards beyond the green.
The husband said, "That's all right, I can get it onto the green from there." And he
chipped to ball within 5 feet of the cup. As the wife approached the ball, the husband
said, "Just tap it very lightly toward the hole."
His wife smacked the ball to the very edge of the green.
The husband stepped up, and holed the putt.
As they walked to the next tee, the husband remarked, "I think we can do a little
better than a 5 on the next hole".
The wife glared at him, "Yah, get it together, only 2 of those strokes were mine!".
164. Golf in Africa
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted
to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and
was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to
play 18 holes. "Sure," said the Pro, "what's your Handicap?" "Well, it's 14," said the
Businessman, "but I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone." "No, it's
very important for us to know," said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy. "Go out
with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 14." The businessman was very
surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more
attention.
The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle which he slung over his
shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the
Caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He
found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle
and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him
with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa,"
said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those
bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing
away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the
caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life
again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball
came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the lake. He had a
shot. However, he had to place one foot next to the lake's edge to be able to play. As
he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the
water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle
propped at his side looking on unconcerned.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" cried the man, writhing in pain. "I'm sorry, Sir," said the
caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here.
165. Scratch Golfer
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the
putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your
handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first
woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my
good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
166. The Groom
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was
standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
167. Posted at a local golf club...
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
168. Some Things Your Wife Will Never Say
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday
too.
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that
nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8
I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs
169. Golf every day
There was this guy who went golfing every day, it didn't matter what kind of weather it
was he was hooked on a round of golf. One Saturday he left the house early and
headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf
that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled
up to his wife's backside and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing?"
170. Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic
interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was
decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they
"oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to.
They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to
a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What
are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of
the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you
never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your f*cking bran muffins. I could
have been here ten years ago!"
171. Nice Saturday
On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having a game with a man, 25 years
old. Getting ready to put on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us
in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: if it
rains!"
172. 7 iron
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded
ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in
search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in
fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down
here.”
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter
Jim?”
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice ”Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here
with an 8-iron.”
173. Big hitter
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came
down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was
angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and
bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the
Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer,
is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
174. Bad Game
After a life of golf, thinking he had a sound and consistent game, Fred has the worst
round of his life.
Not able to take it, he enters the locker room, grabs a fresh razor, climbs into the
showers and slits his wrists to die in the stream of water and blood ... Just after doing
the deed and slumping down in the flow, a buddy comes in and yells "Fred, we need
a forth tomorrow!"
Fred slams his wrists together and yells back, "What time?!?"
175. senior Golfers
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four
of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right
side of the grass!"
176. Women on the Golf Course
There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually,
there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during
the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became
active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club
complaining about the men urinating on the golf course.
Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another
letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due
deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted
equal privileges!
177. Need a doctor
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a
heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find
a doctor, and soon returns, picks up his putter, and lines up his shot. His wife raises
her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over here and you're putting!?!'
'Don't worry dear', says the husband calmly. 'I found a doctor on the second hole and
he's coming to help you'.
'Well how long will it take for him to get here', she asks feebly?
'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his stroke. 'Everybody's already agreed
to let him play through'!
178. Riders
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the
Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with
16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was
disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance
just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the
bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry
smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a
ride on a golf cart.
179. No drop
Two guys were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy
sliced his waaayyyy off the the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His
opponent smashed it straight down the middle.
"Oh well," said the 1st player, "I should get a drop off there."
"Hell no," said his playing partner, "we play the ball as it lies."
"OK," said the first guy, as he dropped his opponent off in the middle of the fairway.
The second guy found the green, and could not resist smiling as he saw sparks
coming off the cart path for the practice swings. Finally the guy hitting off the cart
path addressed his ball and swung it well, leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the
pin.
Upon returning, the guy in the middle of the fairway commented, "That was a great
shot.... what club did you use???"
"Your 6 iron," was the reply.
180. Lamaze class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was
in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along
with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go
walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
181. Jack was not feeling well
Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test
results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack
may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right
treatment is going to seem a little strange. Jack needs to golf as often as he has
strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Pat nodded and left.
When she got home, Jack was anxious to find out what his test results were. "Well
Pat, what did Doc have to say? Pat looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."
182. Tacos on the Course
Eating tacos, burritos and enchiladas while trying to nail that ball with your 3 wood is
perhaps the most daunting challenge of all. It is however very easily achieved if you
are prepared to do a little work beforehand. Simply throw all of your foodstuffs and
the contents of one (1) can of your favorite beer into a large blender and blend the
ingredients for 2 minutes on high. A chunky yet liquid vomit-like consistency will
signal that the mixture is ready. Pour this liquid food of the gods into a large bottle.
Next, you will need a long piece of clear plastic tubing which can be purchased from
any hardware store. The diameter of the tubing is left up to the reader to choose,
but it should be noted that large diameters have increased taco-liquid throughput and
require less straining when sucking. Simply attach your bottle to your golf bag with
some tape, stick one end of the tubing into the bottle, wrap the other end around your
neck once and shove the opening into your mouth. This way, your arms are free, and
you can nail that ball while sucking down a taco and a beer"
"The only drawback with this method is that your playing partners can pull hard on
the tubing that is wrapped around your neck, causing a mean slice or in severe
cases, death through liquid-taco inhalation. The number of deaths due to taco
inhalation rose last year to 12. (source: AMA, Martinez, Lopez et. al. Nov. 1997)
However more people die every day on our roads, so this figure shouldn't worry you."
Alternately, you could get one of those cigar holders to put your burritos in between
swings. One thing the burrito could be doing is causing your swing plane to flatten
out especially if swallowing at the same time, as the epiglottis can cause the adductor
group to affect your abdominus rectus group, affecting posture and causing your
deltoids to contract, which obviously would flatten your swing plane out. One exercise
to remedy this would be, if you must eat and swing at the same time, put extra hot
sauce on the taco, and try to keep a steep enough plane so that the sauce doesn't
drip out. You'll kill two birds with one stone, actually--no sauce on the shirt, and a
steeper swing plane.
If all of this seems like too much hard work, you should perhaps consider other foods
and their delivery methods. ie: Meatballs, and slingshot, the most effective way your
golfing partners can deliver an intact meatball into your open mouth without:
a) killing you
b) causing blindness
c) choking you
d) causing you to hook the ball (this is *very* common!)
183. The priest and the Pro
This local parish priest decides he's going to improve his game the next time he
plays. When he goes into the pro shop he asks the pro if he could play a round with
him, just to get a few pointers. The pro agrees and leaves the shop with the priest. All
through the round the pro gives the priest little tips on his grip and his swing. The
priest plays remarkably and shoots a 95, his best score ever. Filled with pride he
thanks the pro after the game. The pro coughs gently and says, "excuse me father
but my fee for a lesson on the course is 40 dollars." The priest is aghast and sputters
for a few seconds before reaching into his pocket for the money. He says to the pro,
"why don't you bring your parents down to the parish and I'll marry them for you!"
184. Deep in the Amazon
For months the archaeologist had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing
creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City. Their
excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad
winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every
few hundred yards. It had to be … a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the
discovery of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.
Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with
the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who
followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.
Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor
murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for
centuries before rediscovery".
The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a
sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely, "Simple", was the translation,
"they could not afford the green fees".
185. My wife is watching
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down,
measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner
nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the
damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-- you don't stand a
snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
186. Alien Observers
An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary
golfer practicing on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in
amazement.
The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out
of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it
out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game and
they continued to observe the golfer.
Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the
bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the
hole. At this stage, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious
trouble".
187. St. Peter
Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St.
Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever
created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how
faithful you had been in your life. The first man went to St. Peter and admitted that he
had cheated on his wife twice. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing that he did, so he
gave him a middle of the line set of clubs.
The next man went before St. Peter and admitted that he had cheated on his wife
once. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing that he did, but since he only did it once,
he gave him a decent set of clubs. The third man went to St. Peter and said that he
had never cheated on his wife, so St. Peter gave him a set of Big Bertha oversized
clubs and irons.
A few days later the first two men were teeing off on the first hole and they saw the
third man with his Big Bertha clubs, sitting on the side of the fairway crying. "You got
the best set of clubs. What are you crying about?" one of the men asked.
"Well, I just saw my wife coming off of the 18th green and all that she was carrying
was a 7 iron and a putter," the man replied.
188. Fore
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards
his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", the attorney said.
189. at the Driving Range
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They
talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them
said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs
for the wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!
190. Talking to God
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the
15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is
also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon
arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute,
looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man.
Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the
green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use
a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly
advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once
again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now
awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a
practice swing. He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice
booms, "Use the old ball."
191. Standing too close to your Ball
After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what
the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're
standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
192. New ball
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which
was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young
man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the
water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one
into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into
the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of
balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old
ball."
193. Deaf
A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he
could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and he couldn't talk. He ended up
writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of
the golfers tore the paper up and laughed in his face.
About the tenth hole, the deaf man was getting so irritated with the slow play of the
foursome he decided he was fed up with it. The foursome were just about to hit their
second shots, when all of a sudden a ball flew by their heads almost hitting the man
who tore up the paper. They all looked back and all they could see was the deaf man
holding up four fingers.
194. First Tee
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was
sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his
wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice
of the pro from the clubhouse said," Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee
his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot." The voice broke the man's
concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again
ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, "Would the gentleman on the
first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot." The golfer
backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, "Would you please tell the
gentleman in the club house that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second
shot?"
195. God and the Devil
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The
devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the
fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds
into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then another and then
miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway. Instead of landing
safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove flying by.
The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away. Unfortunately, the ball
slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner
had the ball plopped into the water when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball
up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace.
The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you
want to screw around?"
196. An old Man 2
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of
the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the
water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after
a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle
swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its
grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into
the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
197. What shall I do?"
James swung at his tee shot, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.
The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with
the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here, he becomes an immovable
obstruction and you can drop it two club lengths away."
198. Golf Fanatic and a Religious Man
Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the
weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and
one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf
in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which his wife replied, " Oh you'll feel better, go
done to church and say a little prayer." Tom agreed and headed to church.
Upon kneeling at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer, "Oh Lord, thank you for
everything, my health, my wife, and my golf game. I hope that when i reach Heaven
that I can still play golf." The moment he finished, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom,
this is the Lord, I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news
or the bad news first?" Tom was startled, "Well, give me the good news". The Lord
replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 championship golf courses, play
is never slow, play is inexpensive, and you will never lose a golf ball. Also, tee times
can always be arranged."
Tom was ecstatic, "That is wonderful! You've answered my prayer! What possibly
can be the bad news?" The Lord replied, "You tee off tomorrow at 9:00 a.m."

199. P-u-t-t
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-
u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt'
means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
200. Would you ?
A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
201. Somersaults
A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round
together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend
holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind
legs.
The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really
talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"
202. Partners
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail
him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The
doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who
still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's
name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb,
of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could
see like an eagle!!??
Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his
ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur,
"Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go? "Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
203. Shipwrecked Scotsman 2
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.

As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet
standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am
verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of
haggis.(A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the better.) When he has
choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single-malt
Scotch whiskey! The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the
unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
204. Can't Loose
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has
in his hand.
One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You
hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If
you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two
minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?"
He replied, "I found it."
205. Barn doors
The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll
open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to
the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on
the spot.
About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough
he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, I'll open the doors on both ends
of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green.

The husband said, I don't think I can do this and I hate this hole.
His friend said, it's not that hard and why do you hate this hole?
The husband said, after bowing his head, the last time I played this hole I got an 8!
206. Long round
I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no
matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there
was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he
played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough, it didn't
matter. He said an orange ball doesn't help much which it goes 6 inches deep into
the snow. They would just look for the little hole where the ball went in and then dig
around until they found it. Since not many other people were crazy enough to play
under these conditions there weren't too many footprints in the snow, so they almost
always found their balls.
Anyway, these guys went out one Saturday in the rain and were playing their normal
round with some pretty heavy wagering, I might add. But on the third tee, the wet
driver slipped in my friend Harry's hand and he hit a shot off the toe of the driver and
it hit my other neighbor George in the head, killing him on the spot. I was over at
Harry's house borrowing a post-hole digger from his wife when he came home. I can
still here him tell about what happened as if it were yesterday.
His wife asked him how the day went and he said: " It was terrible, all day long it was,
hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."
207. Olde Angus
A young American golf fanatic six months new to the game decided to make the trip
of a lifetime to Scotland, the Holy land of golf. Upon his arrival he quickly headed out
to the course and arranged a tee time for a short time later. As per his PGA teaching
professional's instructions, he requested and secured the best caddie the course had
to offer: Olde Angus, the pride of the links for 53 years.
Happily the young American set off on his dream round but 15 holes later numb and
disgusted, 43 strokes over par, he reached over, grabbed his clubs and bag from
Olde Angus and tossed them over the cliff into the churning sea below.
Turning to Angus and with the spittle of frustration coming from his mouth he says,
"Angus, you are positively the worst caddie on the face of this earth," to which Olde
Angus replied "Nay, I dunna think that's possible laddie, it would be far too much of a
coincidence."

208. Procession
I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee
shot on the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat,
put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it
disappeared.
I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?
He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could after 40 years married!"
209. Gorilla
There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was
several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and
never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday
morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, " You know,
I've been trying to beat you for so long, I'm about ready to give up. But I heard about
this golfing gorilla, and was wondering if it would be OK if he plays for me today. In
fact, if you're willing, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year,
which I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. You game?" The other guy thought
about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla, thinking, "after all, how
good could a gorilla be at golf?"
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee
shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla
takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the
pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says
"that's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
But you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated
by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this freaking gorilla back to where he comes
from--I need a drink, better make it a double, and I'll write you a check." After handing
over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that
gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies "same as his driving" "That good, huh?" " No,
I mean, he hits putts the same way--450 yards, right down the middle!"
210. I don't play golf with Dean anymore
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you
continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups
are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally
offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."

211. One Liner's
• A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight...but it ain't...

• Two ants sat on the grass watching a duffer dig up the course. One said to the
other, “Let’s get on the ball before he kills us!”
• My stockbrocker’s a golf nut. One day he called up and he said, “Guess what?
I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”
• Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in
keeping his head down.
• My butcher and my golf game have one thing in common. They both have a
slice that’s cost me a fortune.
• In think my golf game is improving. I haven’t broken 100, but I’m bending the
hell out of 110!
• It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a
hooker can be happy.
• He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.
• The prospective bride rushed up to the prospective groom on the first tee. The
groom looked at her bridal finery and said, “I told you-only if it rained.”
• Her golf is improving. She’s missing the ball much closer than she used to!
• He wears two pairs of pants when he plays golf - in case he gets a hole in one.
• My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought an
harmonica.
• I don’t want to excuse her of cheating, but once she had a hole-in-one and
scored it as a zero.
• Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
• Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.
• In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it
was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
• The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to
get his mind off golf.
• Fairway: [faer-wai]:An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly
from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or
right of it."
• Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
• Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
• The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
• There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice
constantly -- or start cheating.
• An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging,
and once again, after swinging.
• Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize
or laugh.
• There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes,
and return with three enemies.
• Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of
you, and the fastest are those behind.
• Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
• Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.
• You spend more time on the beach than David Hasselhoff!

• If your typical round is 85 and you shot a 95, you've had what is called an "off
game."
Wouldn't this be equally true if you shot a 75?
• LPGA pro Helen Douglas, after winning a 54 hole tournament played at three
different clubs, was introduced as "the new state intercourse champion."
• Forget about all those "how to" books, videos and articles. The only sure way
to save strokes is with an eraser!
• You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!
• I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.
• The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses
after a practice swing.
• Oxymoron: An easy par three.
• Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic
sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.
• Hey, that was a great shot, straight as a dime!
• What must a golfer shoot to assure tournament victory? --The rest of the
players.
• If golf is good exercise, why isn't mowing the lawn?
• "My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever re-gripped!"
• Golf and basketball are two games where the object is to get the ball into a
hole. A golf hole is 4 1/2 inches in diameter. The hole in a basketball hoop is
18 inches in diameter. Using the size of the golf hole and a basketball hoop for
scale, a 12 foot putt is like sinking a 50 foot hoop!
• Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls!
• Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
• Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.
• Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.
• Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting'.
• If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a
stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and
putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
• Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.
• How is golf like fishing? -Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
• The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!
• Why is it that the same spouse who can't add when it comes to the family
budget at home turns into a mathematician on the golf course?
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more
club or two more balls.
• Some useful reminders to use when playing golf is that when another
foursome is on the green, please remember that "Fore!" is not an excuse, "So
what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.
• Making golf fun for everyone in your group is always of the highest
importance. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking
of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.
• The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a
provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.
• Like life, one's golf game is made up by a series of absolute changes which
are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow
Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
• Golf is also a game of math and some people who had problems with this
subject in school may suffer. Remembering this formula can help one shoot a
better game. D=nxP2. This formula illustrates the odds of hitting a duffed shot
increase by the square of the number of people watching.
• There are also two rules that always apply when playing golf. Whenever you
play in a mixed foursome, there will always be one hole where you have to hit
your second shot before the ladies tee off. Also, you haven't really played golf
until you've had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best
chance of getting back to the fairway.


The Laws of Golf - 211 Golf Jokes

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The Laws of Golf - 211 Golf Jokes

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211 Golf Jokes and

Sayings for You, Your

Published by John Matherly

Learn the perfect golf swing –

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

2. Religious Golf Battle

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

3. Ten years on a deserted island

"Ten years!", he says.

He replies, "Ten years!"

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

4. This is my First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

6. I did all of That?

"Yes," the golfer responded.

Learn the perfect golf swing –

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

7. Golfing with an Older Man

8. The Amazing Golf Ball

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

Learn the perfect golf swing –

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"I found it."

9. An Engineer, Doctor, and Pastor Golfing

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

The group was silent for a moment.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Learn the perfect golf swing –

11. What will you do for Golf?

Learn the perfect golf swing –

13. The Problems with Golf

14. Members Only Club 1

16. Water Hazard

17. St. Peter

18. Old Ball

20. Old Ball 2

21. True Story

Learn the perfect golf swing –

25. Three Wishes

27. FIRST WIFE'S LAMENT

28. Golfer’s Heaven

29. God and the Devil

30. Tough Course

31. First Tee

Learn the perfect golf swing –

33. Police Officer

35. 7 Iron Shot

36. Jesus & Moses

Learn the perfect golf swing –

40. Golf vs. Sky Diver

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

41. Wives and Mistresses

42. A Very Special Day

Learn the perfect golf swing –

45. A Great Deal of Pleasure

47. Eating Healthy

Learn the perfect golf swing –

49. ANOTHER FROG STORY

Learn the perfect golf swing –