Te Hokinga Mai

The Return

There is great expectation when you return home to NZ. We made a short video of our arrival back in
NZ in September 2006 that captures some of that excitement and some of those false expectations. Eg.
Our kids thought that living in NZ was all about playing and sweets from grandparents. When the
nitty gritty set in, we realized that it would be difficult to move from calling Ecuador Mi Patria (My
country) to once again calling NZ home we just didn’t realize how difficult the transition would be.
Over the last 3 years we have been on a journey from a familiar place where we contributed, through
no clear place where we just struggled to keep our heads above water, until now I feel that we are in a
new place that we can finally call home.

Transition is the human response to change: it is what we go through in order to come to terms
with a change that has been thrust upon us.
The closing of our personal history in Ecuador was bittersweet. Despite being certain of God’s
Macedonian call home, there was a intense sense of loss and the grief of leaving friends, ministry &
Guayaquil, our city. This was accompanied by a deep sense of vulnerability as we left a place of
belonging where we were known, had a role, knew what was expected, were members of a group. For
over a year my Facebook page said I was from Guayaquil. It was only after travelling out of NZ twice
that I forced myself to change that to Auckland. Upon arrival in NZ my eldest son wrote on his blog:
now in NZ so much different rules Now I have to try not to break them and some are sooooo
dumb(any whey thats what I think).

This is the no clear place, a place of not belonging, not being known, no role, no status, not knowing
what is expected. It is, as Larry Crabb says, a place of crises in both significance & security. It is like
your life is a completed jigsaw puzzle and you throw the puzzle up in the air and then have to put it
back together piece by piece, but the pieces now go in different places. Family relationships, job,
school, church, culture, finances, home, etc are all pieces of that puzzle that we have to find a place
for.
There is a place that must be left before we can find a new place, and in between there is a
place without a place, a place without support, a place which is not a place, since a true place
is a support (Torier p160)

This was very real for me. When I fell into depression, my GP explained to me how I had many
outputs (work, church, father role, etc) but very few supports (friends, caring community, etc).
Transition is letting go of what was before we can grasp hold of what is becoming, just as a trapeze
artist has to let go of one trapeze & hang mid-air to catch the next. But in my case I crashed and
burned because I hadn’t sufficient vital resources to enable me to catch hold of another trapeze.

At times I wondered if we would survive this transition. During this period we worked through
uncertainty, post-traumatic stress due to life-threatening experiences in Ecuador, depression, doubt,
powerlessness, regrets, loss, extreme tiredness, not feeling we fit, kids struggling with school & life,
looking for a church, trying to find new friends when everyone seemed to have their full compliment or
were just too busy. All of this was on top of a new and demanding ministry. If anything I would
advise people coming back not to rush into anything new, but to take time to regroup, to work out this
new reality and to find a place to stand. Some see this time as a place of death to the past or as wasted
time, but for successful transition to happen we need to spend time here. A biblical parallel is the
people of Israel who left Egypt and spent 40 years wandering in the moulding zone of the wilderness
before entering the Promised Land. During this time they formed a new identity as a unified nation.
This time in the crucible shapes us also and is an opportunity for great personal growth, but at the time
it is no fun at all! But thankfully the pain of dislocation will pass. We have this hope of new
beginnings in this new place.

Turangawaewae
Finding a place to stand
Basically I ‘m always looking for a place – somewhere to be (Torier p9)
It has taken me 3 years to feel that I have a place here in Auckland, NZ. Our identity is so tied up in
place, that this journey has not been easy. But here are little parts of it.

Finding a place to stand…

1/ in Christ
Just as Maori gain a sense of identity in their whakapapa, so our primary identity is in Christ.

Ko kawere te maunga
Calvary is the mountain
Ko te rongopai te waka
The gospel is the canoe
Ko te ora hou te awa
New life is the river
Ko Ihu Karati te tangata
Jesus is the man

As we nature our relationship with God we find that when all else is sinking sand, we can stand on
Christ the solid rock. In fact, God is the very ground of our being (Tilloch).

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have
suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm
foundation. 1 Peter 5:10

1 Peter 2 says that Jesus is the cornerstone of the temple that God is building with us, living stones and
that … anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced. (v5). He goes on to quote Hosea, Once you
had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. (v10)

Yet God also reveals himself in particular times & places (eg to Jacob when he stopped for the night at
Bethel – Gen 28:10-22). In this journey I have found some time alone in a quiet place, journaling,
spiritual direction, prayer, walking along the beach, time with a psychologist, with praying friends – all
have been occasions of theophany & epiphany and ocacasions wher I have been able to “let go” and
move from no clear place to a new place & identity. .

2/ in a genuine community of believers

In one sense SIM as “a community of God's people who delight to worship him and are passionate
about the Gospel, seeking to fulfil the mission of Jesus Christ in the world” functions as that gospel
community where we can find our place and share together in life and ministry. This is certainly true
in our countries of ministry but also we would hope as a wider SIM community here in NZ that we can
continue to develop into a caring, growing community. Events like 29:11 are tangible expressions of
that community, as are communications between mission partners and the office team.

However finding a church community both in our place of service and at home is a challenge that we
all face. On the field we sometimes have no choice, church may be difficult initially as it is in another
language, or we may choose an English speaking church which reduces our contact with local
believers.

An ideal re-entry to the sending church is recorded in Acts:

“From there they sailed back to Antioch (in Syria) where they had first been commended to the
grace of God for the task which they had now completed. When they arrived there they called
the church together and reported to them everything about how God had worked with them and
how He had opened the door fo faith to the Gentiles. And at Antioch they stayed with the
disciples for a good long time…Paul and Barnabas continued in Antioch, teaching and
preaching the Word of the Lord in the company of many fellow-workers.”
Acts 14:26-27; 15:35
1)
the church had commended them
2) they finished their assignment
3) they returned to their home church
4) they received the church’s hospitality (stayed with the disciples for a good long time)
5) they reported all that God had done in and through them
6) they ministered again in their home church

However for some, coming home to NZ they find that they just don’t fit back into their sending church,
especially if friends have moved on or if they are placed back into a box of who they were and what
they did before going overseas. Sometimes the church doesn’t even welcome them or let them tell their
story in any depth. This can be really hurtful. The choice to stay or move to another church is an
extremely complicated one. Or, like us, shifting to another city means finding a new church family and
this isn’t easy either. We attended a church here for 2 years because our children were positive towards
it on the first Sunday we visited and people were initially very friendly. However I realized that whilst
it became an I-thou place for the boys, it was always an I-it place for me (Buber). It wasn’t a good fit
theologically, socially or ecclesiologically. I needed to find a place to stand, a place to thrive & not just
survive. Once I was in a space where I could consider another transition I checked out another church.
The shift to the new church has given me room to grow, we have found a cell-group to do life together
with. Yet it isn’t the best fit for our boys and they move between the 2 communities. The key to a good
fit seems to be the depth of relationships with people and the degree of engagement we have in the life
of the community.

3/ in the home
Family relationships can be stressful in transition, as roles, expectations & schedules are all
renegotiated. Some kids adapt really well, and other struggle (just like us adults) and we need to pay
extra attention to helping them in transition. Our boys are more Ecuadorian than NZ! MKs are third-
culture kids (TCKs) and NZ is there passport country but they belong to a third culture that is a
mixture of the cultures they have grown up in. At times Richelle held our family together and having 5
months off at the end of last year was such a life-saver for us as the rug was unravelling for us all.

Making your new/old house home is also takes time. One step for us was to buy a house rather than
rent one here in Auckland. Interestingly enough, the first thing Abram did when he arrived in Canaan
was to buy a field J Richelle has made our house home by painting & decorating to her hearts delight.
However for me it has only been recently that I am not concerned that it is small. In part this is
because of my involvement in plans to renovate our kitchen. By putting some effort into the place it
becomes home. Planting some trees and a garden has also been part of putting roots down (literally!) I
am also currently mulling over the role of home as a place where we are hospitable ie. in showing
hospitality our house becomes home.

4/ in the community & locality

I was recently at a service where a greeting was given in Maori and I understood it completely and was
able to hold a simple conversation in Maori with the speaker afterwards. When I learnt Spanish, my
brain pushed Te Reo into an unopenable box, as if it didn’t exist. Now all 3 languages flow freely. I
recently felt a desire to know about the origins of our area, particularly O Huiarangi (Pigeon Mt). At
the public library I found that it used to be an important Pa site, and that our house is probably where
the kumara plots were. I wonder if we will find any wild kumara in the garden? Going past my new
mountain and saying hi to it each day helps me feel part of the land. Taking to effort to meet
neighbours last Christmas with little gifts also opened up some meaningful cross-cultural relationships
on the block.

Finding links into the wider community is not always easy. Isaac’s first attempt to join a soccer club
was met with snobbery by both parents & children. Then the next year we found a really friendly club.
School can be a great opportunity into the community. We made friends with some non-Christian
parents early on, but sadly they left to England 6 months later. It seems that life for many is transient.

Then there is the tension that you don’t really want to fit in as you don’t want to lose the identity of
who you have become and the non-kiwi values you have assimilated. Despite not wanting to
completely integrate, you have to to survive. A key for us has been choosing good friends and
pursuing these friendships as a priority. People are so busy that they hardly ever take the initiate.

5/ Missionary as Manuhiri (visitor)

Part of this tension is the sense that the missionary life is a journey where we are sojourners,
“temporary residents and foreigners” in this world (1 Peter 2:11) and will never completely fit in. I
have come to realize that it is ok to be a square peg in a round hole because some of the stuff here is
not ok. Both on the field and when we are back home our lifestyles and words can be prophetic as we
have an alternative perspective on life. God also gave me a promise like he did to Abram that
“wherever you put your feet that will be your land.”

The need for support in Transition

If you are struggling with transition, please know that this is normal . Please don’t be afraid to ask for
help. All of our family has needed various levels of professional help at various stages to make this
transition and surprisingly there are also people out there who have experienced similar transition and
can walk the journey with us. When you think about it, even Jesus needed the support of his mates in
the garden of Gethsemane.

Questions:
1/ What places hold meaning for me and why?

2/ Are there any places I consider sacred?

3/ Where is my Turanagawaewae (place to stand) or where would I like it to be?

4/ What do I have to let go of (like the trapeze artist) to move on?

5/ Who can be a support to me in transition?

6/ Where is God in this transition and what is he saying?

7/ Reflect on one of the following:

I am still looking for a place
My place is important to me because…
Someone has taken my place…
Things I would like to change about my place…
These palces hold special spiritual significance for me…

8/ What are some practical things that help me reduce the stress of change?

Bibliography
Stanley, Helen Coping with Change (unpublished notes from MER May 2003)
Torier, Paul A Place for You (translation 1968, SCM Press: Great Briton)