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  • MAD Magazine Issue 547 October 2017

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    Alex Rubio
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    MAD Magazine Issue 547 October 2017

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    MAD Magazine Issue 547 October 2017

    Drepturi de autor:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Descărcați ca PDF sau citiți online pe Scribd
    Indicator pentru conținut neadecvat
    713 vizualizări63 pagini

    MAD Magazine Issue 547 October 2017

    Încărcat de

    Alex Rubio
    MAD Magazine Issue 547 October 2017

    Drepturi de autor:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Descărcați ca PDF sau citiți online pe Scribd
    Indicator pentru conținut neadecvat
    din 63
    WONDER WOMAN ° VLADIMIR PUTIN ° CRAPPY AIRLINE SERVICE INSIDE: OUR TRUMP: 3) Z— ART GALLERY] The MAD Poster Gallery YOUR FAVORITE MAD ARTWORK ON SALE NOW (CHEAP!) VISIT: HER! ; HE MAD GUDE Toman BOOKS Now you can decorate your home with fine art, or you can adorn your wall with these ridiculous MAD posters instead (wall not included)! ORDER NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE WHAT YOU ORDER! Go to and look for the discount code for extra savings! Swatch out fer your felon mars fe good acces > reateer how you - interpret te Ae 2 NUMBER 547 Ty Departments =" ‘The MAD Table of Contents andor Samplings of Reader Mal 6 nom acre or mouse eran ey ‘The Fundalni Pages 4 senos.n aeven cepa oes 12 XMAD Look at Wonder Woman Hoey ‘rom the Comey Memos 18 Statements Redacte 22 Signs That American Entitlement Has Gone Too Far Spy vs. Spy 7 The MADropolitan Museum of Art: The Trump Collection 2017 37 Saturday Afternoon With the IKEA Man 38 An Airline Carriers Service Pledge (That Tells It Like It Is) 39 MADSs Guide to Exotic Frozen Treats How to Reduce College Costs ING AS 40 Th MAD'Stae clas B® RAN ed: ee wma 7 Dewey Derwin Destroys the Worl 51 Overgrowth: The Organic Gardening Catalog 54 Chiling Thoughts: 2017 Edition Whats on Vladimir Putine Deak? ph, Another Ridiculous Fold-In.nside Back Cover "Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragonés YEWANG Various Place Around the Magazine SEs tbe tes yeu EC Feats ln, 175 Avenel eA New Yet RY 100s fetes page pa en at, AY and a bier ing fie an (ssuonen 39159 " USAF sues $1999 vest Dg Edton ony $938 Guede USA, coding Crh) 6 kee 82889, low &@ west for Sy of fst see. Ere BIRTHDAY OF RECKONING Thave been a MAD reader since 2015, and ever since my mom bought me my first issue, Loved it. After a while, my grandma got mea gift subscription. So for my birthday, I decided to have a MAD magazine party! I know, know, why would I be wasting my awesome 12th birchday on a magazine? Because I LOVE MAD. So thank you for ‘making my life funny and brainwashing me to be excited every two months! Keep up the stupidity!!! Morlet it Go — Gee, your party sounds ike it was amazing! But who do you think might've appreciated an invite to your fabulous MAD magazine- ‘themed affair, Nikolai? Hmm. Le’ see...maybe THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE MAD MAGAZINE? To be fat you've probably heard all about Senior Editor Dave Croatto's harrowing (and hive-inducing) icecream cake addiction — 0 we can understand why you'd want to exclude him. But what about the rest of us, Nikolai?!7 Afterall we've given you, all we ask is that you invite 1s to your next magazine-themed birthday party — even ifthe theme of, your 13th is Better Homes and Gardens! —Ed DEATH COMEDY JAM ‘Two years ago, my brother bought the farm. As a matter of closing his estate, [had his mail forwarded to me. | was delighted —no, really ‘more nauseated — to discover that your magazine subscription was part of my inheritance. Short story long, Iwill abide his influence rho matter the cost to my sensibilities or pocketbook and continue to search for the truth obscura. ‘The Butcher, The Daker, The Candlestick Maker — We're so sorry to hear about your lass — and we're even sorter that this is how you learned that you should've been a better brother! While other family members no doubt received his vintage Rolls-Royce, palatal Tuscany estate and Mickey Mantle rookie card YOU got stuck with his crummy MAD subscription. That makes a sad situation that much more upsetting Atleast the guy had a sense of humor —vhich is more than we can say fo the publication you'll be receiving until the sweet release of death frees YOU from this horrific obligation! —Ed. DADDY'S ISSUES As we pled into the car wash today, the attendant noticed ‘my son's issue of MAD and told us how he grew up reading the magazine and lamented how his mother must have thrown out his collection at some point. I couldn't help Dur think to myself, "Is this where reading MAD magazine leads, a dead-end job wearing rubber boots, scrubbing down cars?” Am I setting my son up for failure by buying him your trashy mag? Keeping Up With the Kardash — There's no guarantee that reading [MAD wil ead to a dead-end job ata ear wash. For example, we ‘grew up reading MAD — and now we work HERE! Which is proof ‘that things can turn out WAY worse than working at a car wash, By the way, did you happen to notice if they were hiring? We already have our own rubber boots! —Ed, BOARD TO DEATH write to you from Wilmot, New Hampshire where Tam living every 43-year-old’s dream. I manage a skatepark and live rent-free at my mother's house. While it sounds like I have it all, there are a few pieces of low-hanging fruit left to pick, Aside from getting a call in to the Howard Stern show, I live to grace the pages of your legendary publica- tion. My friend David Lorden drew up an Alfred sketch on my board. Perfect likeness aside, the kids at the skatepark did not know who they were looking at. I blame it on the Tocal literacy, as your magazine is still going strong Kirk du Soleil — We werent sure whether or not to print your letter — aftr alist reall fair for you to have SO MUCH? You've already got te skatepark gig. the free rent and seemingly magical friendship with David Lorden — should we really make the rich even richer? But ater some serious soul-searching, we decided that printing your letter would be just the thing to take you down a peg! Also, we have a theory about the kids a the skatepark — we're guessing they know exactly who Alfred is, but ust want to (quickly end the conversation with the creepy 43-year-old skate- boarder trying to “chill” with them. —Ed. A MATTER OF PRINCIPAL MARCH MAD-MESS Tam an assistant principal at a middle school and longtime reader While at the Equality March in Washington, DC of MAD. Ineed a small victory in my if, please publish this photo | on June 11, spotted a group of protestors too SIS) of my boss (Principal Kathy awkin) reading you ag ona Friday Tazy to make thelr own poster, My grandfather, afternoon, After along weak dealing with naughty ite children, | Willatn Gaines, would have been proudl i allt can figures that by relaxing thie way, she recovers much ike a ri chelan Beta lap drunk; in search of the hair of the dog that bit her. Misud: Impossible — Tre, your grandfather loved laziness — but he er Leiner Neue hated the unlicensed use of MAD imagery, so it's real toss-up! —Ed, Dowling atthe Moon — We'd lke to be the fist to congratulate you! Didn't you hear the good news? You'e about to be promoted! Because when the Vernal schoo! board sees how Kathy Hawkins spends her spare time —on school grounds, no less — she's going to go from “principal” to “unemployment-ine ‘malingeter" quicker than you can say “Jusiiale Fiing"! We can't wait to see ‘what you'llbe fred for! Write back next month and let us know! Ed. FLIGHT AND WRONG By 2001 Thad been a subscriber to your magazine for CHALK IS CHEAP Serer rar Eaglo-oyod roader lan Scott Mocrogor sont in this Chay reowation of the the “dash’ while flying, I caried all three Alfvds in my cover of MAD ¥540 by Hani Shinada, efter seeing it on Instagram. This is flight bag and rotated them as needed. In haste to leave some MAD art wo can really got behind — the type that can be completoly | for vacation, Ileft one hanging in an airplane. He probably destroyed with @ commen garden hosel had more fight time than me when I recovered him weeks later, The most gorgeous day in my experience, found me transporting a full load of passengers from Nashville to St. Louis, while administering Initial Operating Experi- fence toa new guy. Due to the stress of helping the new guy along, I did not have time to pull an Alfred out. The day soon took a horrible turn — I was flying one of the 4,000- plus airplanes grounded due to the evil and cowardly acts perpetrated on 9/11, Fifteen years later, I find myself ‘employed outside of the airlines. I stumbled across the three Alfreds nestled, all but forgotten, in my flight bag. Tam correcting this slight. One is keeping my hat brass ‘company in a shadow box. The second will soon hang from the Coweta District Boy Scout spirit stick. The final Alfred is returning home to you Stout's Honor —Thanks for sending the keychain back to us — you probably didn't notice, but you left the keys fora 747 on it. Were Starting t piece together the reason why you're “employed outside ‘ofthe allies.” Kind of lke how Tim Tebow is “employed ouside" ‘of professional football Anyway, thanks for writing. cap'n! —Ed, Letters and i Tomatoes | 1 omen ot at HAD Sites tee tecture | oc cet ou theeiage tava Seno a sete omnes gl pet crete raDte cot Capers eee ee eee miota by soon Eoin sere ee a Brain: William M. Gaines Founder John Ficarra Senior VP & Executive Editor ADMINISTRATION EDITORIAL MAD #548 is on sale October 10: ALFRED LOOK-ALIKE Hi, T've been a reader of MAD since my childhood. Years ago, realized that an old school photo of mine bears an uncanny resemblance to a Mr. Neuman, complete with a missing tooth! I don't know if the physical letters are backed up, but I've submitted this photo to the lookalike contest three times now with no results. I can't describe how disappointed I am when a new issue of MAD hits the newsstands and [flip to the letters without seeing my face. Jared Kowis + Spring, TX How Now, Brown Kowis? —We can't even imagine how disappoint ced you must have been, never seeing your face in MAD! And we also cant imagine how disappointed our readers will be when they 1DO see your face in MAD! No matter what, someone's suffering! We hope this ends your ongoing feelings of disappointment, but we're ‘guessing that growing up looking like Alfred, you're no stranger to the feeling. Anyhoo, thanks for writing! —Ed Looking fora way to waste time AND open yourself upto public Fidioule? You're in luck! You can do both simply by folowing us fon Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram! I's a perfect plan! (xcept for the ridicule — but that's your problem, not ours) For suascuenion mows: feta AN0HUNDUMG (Ul anda fo ‘mp0 toi, ay TKS eo ir phone wheat rade ao Charlie Kau, oe iol Dave Croatto Senior itor Jacob Lambert Associate Estor ‘ART DEPARTMENT ‘Sam Viviano VP — Art & Design Ayan Flanders Design Decor Patria Dunyer Assistant Art Decor Bernard MendezaProdction Arist Contributing Artists And Writers The Usual Gang of Idiots Get te Fister het este ois Saeco strona eG ack ene sort a Sarak uous Mt an day Kogn ves afore Jaca ue {i antag Aninstaton AiR e285 er of eee New rk Ions enalens ite ih oy bed an ped ay HA pion way ome nt be ere panel asses sang ele! outa tens Stee Ray & comma Jim Salo Spel Sat Tae Ma Namco DSi tg deere Subscribe to INSIDE MAD INSIDE MAD contains 256 pages — numbered for your convenience — of classic MAD stupidity: classic covers, movie satires, ad spoofs, features by Al Jaffee and Don Martin, plus ‘commentary with commenting comments by MAD contributors and celebrity fans, from lee-T to Judd Apatow! To receive your hardcover edition of INSIDE MAD, simply purchase a two- or three-year subscription to MAD. Subscribe online at: “y, Use Keycode: ABBMDIM i OE oe can ates er cee re avon wm) rt coos, The mT six CHANGES BEING MADE TO WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFINGS 4 Bach briefing will begin with the Trump Loyalty Oath 2 Sean Sper son havea "Phone Pen opan 4 peers ‘ reporting on anything said at briefings 4 Sarah Huckabee Sanders will now be doing 50% ofthe lying and misleading 5 Reporters will be discouraged from making hand jerking motions after Spicer speaks DAR GOD, PLEASE CONTACT M2 WITH THE NAME OF THe CONTRACTOR WHO BOICT THIS WALL, (HAVE A SIMICAR PROJECT AND WOOLD LIK A QUOTE, -DIT 6 Correspondents from CNN, The New York Times and The Washington Post will receive special "Fake News Credentials PaGes WHY JARED KUSHNER A Public Service Poster SECRETLY MET WITH THE for President Trump RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR He and Ivanka just couldn't get their borscht to come out right ting a Palestinian ning him up for Hulu ‘Trump asked ‘egreement, hashi to squeeze it in between negot ‘out a North Korea strategy and He was inquiring about Job openings in the Russian government, because his current gig just isn't working out He wanted to give the Russians a heads-up that his father-in-law is bate#lt crazy “The whole thing was actually @ coincidental Grindr hookup The Stupider Six She mistakenly thinks she's third in line to the Presidency, Her first word as a baby? “Bankruptcy” Many of the book's “inspirational quotes” attributed to famous women are actually old Pepsi slogans Even she voted for Hillary “Lincoln would still "whats really insping | 5 She only started dating Jared Kushner be alive today fhejust_ about Thomas effesonis | _-because she thought he was the guy stayedhome and watched his ildhood inLas Vegas, from the Subway ads Netfixthatnight as he'd wheres father was a Ivanka feels so strongly about opportunities for women, she insisted on a female ghostwriter originally planned!* part-time blackjack dealer!” S “washington never NE “Nixon hated CNN and ‘once flew on Air Force other fake news outlets ‘One —he didn’t trust = that’s why he always airtravell” ‘tweeted about them!” THe FUNDALINI MUCH-NEEDED UPDATES TO CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS Convertall civilWar-era Jefferson Davie busts can stay, but only ‘cannons into non-fat iflocal beautician schools are allowed Frovo dispensers ‘to use them as test mannequins: Remember that the giant redwoods are legally protected. ‘Trying to smuggle one out wil land you in a world of trouble. Parks are busiest during the holidays, particularly “Talk Like ‘A Pirate Day" and “National Celery Day.” Plan accordingly. You can easily identify most park animals by their scat. ‘That doesn’t meant you should, of course. In fact, you'll enjoy yourself more if you forget we even mentioned it. ‘The best way to avoid crowds s to stay home and view your park of choice via webcam. » tee iy — not only wilitbe more culturelly ‘sensitive, but tl totally throw Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane off thei scent Wie Key allt eb ‘Try to get tickets for when Stephen Strasburgis pitching. wait, that's how to enjoy yourself at Nationals Park. Things You Should Never serie a iauss\ Say to the Grieving oe Saran hase sono) «SampsonofAnarcht a) ee j ae) . : Sa Soca ; Caiaa aseaeh) (3 feces R WANT TO BAT HIS CM 0 i Le | rE Tags Nae _ eee oe ZE ‘ Ligne : snp ies ~S id fi &: “Ian SORRY | HAVE To LET You ALL Go, BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT FREAKS ANYMORE.” PAGES == ae | WAVE To CELEBRATE THE 40" | ANNIVERSARY OF STAR WARS 1 Give your Chewbacca costume the fumigation it so richly deserves y ig Also celebrate the second anniversary of the last remastered and y | © re-edited version of Star Wars | 3 Gather up al the poems you've written about Boba Fett and submit them to The New Yorker | @ Tell anyone who'lllisten that it’s actually called Episode IV: ANew Hope — they'll appreciate the accuracy | 5 Send George Lucas anicer Edible Arrangement than you usually do | 6 Sccityour wie wil inal wear the Vader helmet inthe sack eer ny feta Pee acd ir rm ec RODEO CLOWN hi asepenanind Poca Pac Pee! Pee Peaaend Se Wee Wylie Olu OUSLY TULIKS ACHUMONI@UES Pra ate Seer ee 4 PUG a URC as Sts Pee UA mc ld appro erie eT LES ie Pee Acar TEs CARR ae le ‘Ask your psychiatrist about Acrimonium? for Ce eee Cee Was chy Oca aeons THe FUNDALiNi PaGes Save the Dator ‘After reading biography Thestarofthe Ulta-Minor —Nomatter which minor of Muhammad Al the I Leagues Noth league hockey team he's rate Hs High Schoo Dakota Slee stands during the on, tis joueyman ‘quarterback wasso rational ant though be goal il ese to tay inspite that he announced Singshsoaniyicsinorto in any ump hotel — he wor’ ght in Vietnam, protest “geneal bad stuttin because ther maids Should Ameria ever “AND WHAT ABOUT THE PAN-SEARED TWA WITH LIME Society Icoulddo without” always vacuum too early, dace to invade again, GINGER-FLALEON. Woes Tint: COWEN: A TRERGH 2." Sponsored Links You Probably Shouldn’t Click On PRPS Lose weight with Unrefrigerated Potato Salad Forgetting What Part of Your Body You Just ix. ltched is a sign of Alzheimer's Tunnerwpinthe wading HR 481" onisochead? Because he wanss || ny Little Pipe-Cleaners: The DIY Way to ‘wearing a patch depictin include automated fire sprinkler system retrofits as Shocking: Natural Causes Will Kill You! SAMUEL FERRI’S MISCONNECTED MOMENTS Zncredile bat? uated a is is wendy te prevents = TF a hoot | Sent eter sends] te the ‘Stone fer 3 alae! sen a€ shes $e Fidei the theme From’ words for i IGame of Thrones. 10 Terma Sato Oe ETS PAULL ON AMERICA’S GREATEST* PR Ta) b)a ‘NT! * Over 120 pages of ! } Trump stupidity! * Following Donald Trump’s 4 * elem eure ha Oe, set .Y PMR Ng Hee tar to eda ust * Feat@iing an introduction | le) = Ta laaiel a gel / fey, RT eyel=tal Desa Cnr} Oe ad cau sercto DrasoneS [WRITER AND ARTIS: SERGIO ARAGONES COLORIST: JM CAMPBELL t | isinowson the world : Ieee Wor al magazine newsstand! | Subscribe, buy the latest issue, N or download MAD back issues (CHEAP!) on your computer, smartphone or tablet. er, ea ep ea SO une er | Se ees eee enh ‘which MAD is leaking her for he fr ] ‘As Tentered, he was wrapping up a photo op | with some Boy Scouts, with whom he had just | shared all of the nuclear launch codes. | , le then asked if I could somehow make it that all fem: agents wear selections from the Ivanka fashion line exclusi exclusivel His deal was simple: drop the case ag and the job hosting Celebrity Apprentice was 0 also in this meeting were Jare -»-also inthis meeting were Jared Kushner a dwarf in a kilt and Baba Booey from the Howard Stern program. rf Then, appearing to be speaking to no one in particular, the President wistfully wondered if it was possible to fabricate DNA evidence to show that Erie wasn’t really his son... I thought it was an odd question: J “What kind of money are we talkin about to take out Jake Tapper?” When I mentioned it seemed that the smell of boiling cabbage had permeated the Oval Office, Mr. Trump’s one-word response was “Bannon, my 6°8” height, President who originated the * He then also Making reference to Trump insisted it was he phrase “a tall drink of water took credit for inventing the phra pump,” “Thank God it’s Fri the middle of the Oval Office and shoot the Director of the FBI in the head and I wouldn’t lose voters.” He seemed surprised when I confessed to not knowing the overnight ratings for Dancing with the Sta ~at which point he took out a solid gold yo-yo and foundered ihrough a pathetic “walk the dog.” He then proclaimed himself “the greatest yo-yo guy ever” and urged me to “just ask anyo ." He spoke at length about “outdated” and “lame” laws preventing Americans from marrying their daughters 20 minutes into my briefing he asked me, Whi pite the President’s assurances that dessert consisted ost beautiful piece of che = AST “a At one point, the Pi Se Even my farts smell great” — and then he farted to prove it. I didn’t have the courage to tell him how wrong he was. te cake that you've ‘The loyalty oath Mr. Trump demanded I take sounded as if it was 1g theme to the Friends TV show. Suddenly he blurted o intel with the Ri ‘Who knew sharing highly classified ‘sians would be so complicated?” dds Ey ‘WRITERS: a a Oe ‘celebration of CEU OT A-oew ates Cli ips om 198 CULL Unig MORT DRUCKER ‘cludes many of Mort's greatest lus essays by Special movie sain digest size! MAU's mes prliic producer of Last ary MAD work and MAD ichael J Fo 65 explosive witers. Foreword by Week Tonight with artists’ tributes to “The 4. Abrams adventures by “Weird AI" Yankovic! John Diver! Lighter Side of"! classic, vnt ster! Petar Kuper! MAD. ORT oDrucker Eg FRANK JACOBS y, ON SALE NOW 18 tHe Boon section (AND UR ea ae a isin peck a eal TT rr s9 Thre showcast complete works of Jack Davis, bi Will Eto and Wally Wood from the MAD Comics era Available with individually ors abox set! fave Sixpointless collections, perfect for fans of MA Special digest size! Includes 95 tiabolical adventures by Peter Kuper! ‘OF erroty aries atte tc SOLD — DUH! There are two things you should Signe know about most Americans — cone, they've gat it pretty good, cond two, they think they deserve A E R | ( A better! If you don't believe us, just read on — because as MAD readers, you don‘thave it so good, cand you don’t deserve better! Come on, Jake, } { Yeah, let os see let vf Feet how }} your “gigantic” UGKT it 32-3ig storage! Seriosly A? Coins? Jefus Cheick, jst (forget about itt ‘Ateenager would rather have a case of ‘gstic acne than an iPhone 6. Suddenly, it seems that beggars, in fact, ‘can be choosers, Daddy, | am NOT driving @ 1 Freaking 1014 Tavrvs on campus! ? God! What is this, the Holocavst?!? WATE ye a Le > Junky college cars are going extinct. You think that maintaining your morbid obesity is a natural right. ENTITLEMENT fo thev/'ve having if in Tanzania — of course — because it founds s0 much Like “Tan7a and Zak," and with the rehearsal dinner, day-aftar bronch ‘and fao-days-atter champagne send-off, that's 4 total of four might and eight ovtfity, Oh, and a sitter For Hamcakes. And 2 gift (kay, Ill look into a second mortga Couples think it’s okay to make attending a wedding as expensive as having one. attention — my Jujsber ave stuck together! SEU a eT eae hurs pe aneMet uti ae aur WRITER AND ARTIST TEREGA BURNS PARKHURST Oh my 600, | cannot believe it has been 16 seconds and this page isnt open yet! How the FREAK ar | spos' to now how Many people liked my Picture of that tna fb PL Well, it's way out of oor price Yange.. Tse t Se! a deserve to have 2 room for or Footwear, Let's Wanting stuff trumps affording stuff. Bs a We Bac s +. 2 BUNS casita we) CR pa Sosa ay an ~ that has everything, as well as a ee «i ¢ fun little tale to read to your younger Bat-Mite ~ | _ /- if lJ as you tuck him or her into bed? 9 bya —AIN’T IT COOL NEWS secu /a 2 Pmt re erence GOODNIGHT MOON parody—as only:the Sree MCMC, Ointelserity Seem) Cys waren + Ss Mi. THE MADROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART THE TRUMP COLLECTION 2017 Ss RA A LI IT AL A MP LEAN HEHE by Mark ee ae Saturday Afternoon with the IKEA Man { FORSHLIUGGINER —— Sa 30x ne (OO) | 22,020, ES) | rT 000, > / By signing this oficia-ooking, totally meaningless document, we, the CEOs of the four major American air carters, hereby pledge the following: (Overbooking is a thing of the past! We wil sell oly as many tickets as there are seats on the plane, plus a handful more to the hard-of-hearing, who we're betting won't hear the “last boarding call” announcement and miss the fight. Effective immediately, no one will be “bumped” from a flight. A few passengers, however, may be issued an exciting “alternate boarding pass” which guarantees they will earn many, many more frequent flyer miles than they might have othenwise, had they flown nonstop as previously planned. ‘An absolute maximum of five passengers per airline, per fight, may be removed from a plane once they've been seated. To ensure safety and comfort, passengers will be dragged off by the arms only, and by ‘specially-trained baggage handlers. Note: To ensure passenger privacy while being dragged, the captain will tu on the "No Smart Phone Recording” light. When passengers are asked to give up seats, greatly increased compensation will eventually be offered. Please note: If passengers refuse our initial lowball offer the crew or even the pilots may accept our higher offer and leave the plane, resulting in a canceled fight. Effective immediately if the overhead bins are full by the time you board, we wil, at no charge, “gate-check” your bag — meaning that we wil leave it at the gate for you to conveniently pick up on your return trip. This is our way of demonstrating to you the great value of our $50-per-bag check fee. To show appreciation to our loyal customers, we're delaying the implementation of our $35 seatbelt fee indefinitely — though our $25 seatbelt buckle fee slated for next month will proceed as planned. We understand that as travelers, you have a choice! After all, we, the four major U.S. aiines, control just 98.29% of all domestic flights. So if you're unhappy with the way we treat you, you do have almost a two percent chance ‘of finding another airline to get you to your destination. Good luck with that! Remember, we're working together toward a single, monopolistic, consumer-friendly airline. We're just battling over the official name of it! Sincerely “Your friends at American, United, Delta and Southwest” ‘American Airlines uniteoRy ADELTA 1 wrirer: DICK DEBARTOLO ARTIST:EVAN DORKIN. COLORIST: SARA DYER 39 Pca in — — gon! = Ue Wy aaa UNIVERSE JERRY. STATHES rh, (WI 2BKCK IS KILLING ME, JERRY/T UST Code, wait 10 Lie NTs 77) BED FOREVER. HEY, You SAID YoU WANTED To LIE IN BED ATOUCH OF INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH SUPER GLUE... ‘OH, YOU KNOW, SOME ALOE, SOME LANOLIN..- 40 ‘Make one 4 vanilia soy and one a going to foamy skim. : Starbucks Seaboble Mountain pd sores < Keol-aid, OH LORD, HELP ME BEAT THAT OUTLAW I’M ABOUT To FACE IN THIS HERE DUEL. J ZEKE,'7OU COMIN" BACK. THAT DOESN'T LOOK IN FOR ‘POUR HAIRCUT? GOOD. I'D START YOURE GETTIN’ YOUR PRARING TF T WERE YOU. “There's an old saying: “If you think education is expensive, ty ignorenee.” Well, we DO think college is expensive, 80 we WILL be trying ignorance thank you very much (in fat, thats our epproact to every topic. Soits mith that directive inmind (and not much els) that we present this highly ignorant take onthe costs of higher education! ‘Avoid unnecessary spending by talking to your roommate in advance about which one of you will be in charge of buying Pulp Fiction posters, ‘and which one of you will be in charge of buying Bob Marley posters. Abstain from alcohol. It will save you money now AND help your kidney fetch a higher price should you need to sell it on the black market later, senna tent tes, You'll be helping to make the world a importantly, sometimes there's free pizza. over your tuitions room ard one a ‘you raed mare jist es me J (enon. Ad aon forget Textbook prices have increased a whopping 82% in the past decade. Remove ‘them from your budget . , ‘completely and just ask Siri everything instead. Here's little lifehack the admissions board doesn’t want you to know about: you can score extra scholarship money simply by becoming a world-class athlete with a 4.0 GPA. UCE YOUR COSTS ‘school supplies on Craigslist. Better yet, just for wed Shon fore mas and att ne lean ene ar " Save money and water by doing all your laundry jn that big fountain inthe midle ofthe quad. Seger Many campus dining halls have salad bars with the condiments and croutons lying out completely ‘unsupervised. Boom, there's your meal plan! |mn danger of losing your scholarship? First, join a ragtag fraternity he ‘ of slackers and outcasts against whom the dean holds a bitter grudge, rt get suckered into pricey graduation packages (on your big day A shower cap and a hospital gown are as good a “cap and gown” as any, ten in an obscure loophole the campus bylaws and inal, win f high-stakes intramural competition. Hey, it always works in the movie 20ST ERE: WUE Ly ae ees eA aGe tie JUGGLING rs WHO dUGGLES © ) to See: Goldilocks ‘The villainous mastermind Dr. Heinous — trapped in his awkward teenage past! LP. Studios presents... (MOTHER! REQUIRE ‘T SAID FORT KNOX, NOT a PETCO! YOU WORTHLESS TRANSPORTATION TO THE \ ‘BANK AT ONCE? AN Ko0sH BALL... 60. T0BED, eWeY. Every vy League institution in the From there it was a brisk downward Being vastly overqualified For literally everything, | expected some degree of humiliation. But nothing could have prepared me For the egregious ageism | would soon be subjected to, TEM TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TME, YOU DROOLING sGNORAMLIS/THS (SAT ‘A PRANK CALL/NOW WILL YOU BE ABLE ‘TO MEET MY SALARY DEMANDS "ND M ‘TELLING YOU FOR ‘THE LAST TIME, KD: TE NASA JET PROPULSION LAB. DOESNT HIRE HANS UP ON “The only job leven remotely enjoyed was at ‘the local cineplex. There's something deeply gratifying about charsing hapless buffoon 1S bucks For a soggy paper sack of room ‘temperature popcorn kernels, Unfortunately, ‘the manager didn’t appreciate my unique zeal For customer service, and banned me For liFe. ENUOY THE, SHOW, SIR! PS pecracey ‘THE PART WHERE. IT'S REVEALED THAT ‘THE DETECTIVE AND THE SERIAL KILLER Dare THE same PERSON. ‘50 YOU DOW WANT ‘TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY IN YOUR NACHO TOPPINGS? world should have been kicking down mny doot For a piece of this brain’ But where do | end up? Tutoring basic ‘science to the dregs of society — Including my idiotic chemistry ‘teacher, Mi $0000, WHAT YOURE SAVING I5, THE INCREDIBLE HULK ISNT SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE? LIKE, NOT EVEN A UTTLEe Within a week [had exhausted al my employment options — each more humiliating than the last, regutting in liftie more than burned bridges and scorched pretzel carts, I wasn’t Fair! Why should adults be the only ones who get to lie and cheat their way to the top? wut, NEVER ESCAPE FROM THiS WRETCHED NIGHTMARE? spiral into the dark world oF socially acceptable child labor. | washed dishes. bussed fables. | handed out Free samples of pretzel poppers at the mall..until the Food court was destroyed in a “mysterious” Fire. Who kriew cinnamon was so combustible? PRETZEL POPPER, ANYONE? ‘And then, ike 8 United Airlines attendar ‘an overbooked Fight..tt hit me. THAT's IT? DR. HEINOUS, You BRILLIANT TUNG wl What was | doing wasting my time trying to aet a real job H's 2017 — Fake jobs are where all the money is! Why, one could contrive an entire career out of little more ‘than an overinFlated ego and a broken moral compass! Life coach, social media inFluencer, President oF the United States! Or, most lucrative of all..tech start-up Founder. my woaD, ‘THis FEELS, DOWNRIGHT TM GETTING GoosesumPs. ‘within hours, !had created an app ‘that would disrupt the online learning industry by creating a fully-integrated, mutli-tiered, cloud-based strategy For gaming the academic sector. ocraRs Id created the Uber of plagiarism. The Grubhub OF truancy. The Facebook oF unethical data mining. So, in other words...Pacebook PUMPKIN, DO YOU KNOW 7" 4a, (T'S JUST THE ANYTHING ABOUT THESE |{ ‘APPT Use TO HELP (CREDIT CARD CHARGES || WITH HOMEWORK. OKAY, DAD? OR DID YOU, LIKE, WOT WANT Me T0 GET INTO [might even have a litfie left over fo stash ina Swiss bank account as a “welcome home” gift ‘to myself once | arrive back in the Future. As long as | avoided any Frivolous expenses. LAST WEEK IN, ‘SHOP CLASS, JEFF “APPLIED” BIRDHOUSE TO Wis BUTT WITH GORILLA GLUE. THEY HAD TO CALL THE AIRE which io a Fancy way of say! month. Within a week, every student at my high School was a paid subscriber. ‘TWINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ‘Tils NEW APP GERVONE'S USING. IT'S GOT ALL THE ANSWER KEYS AND EVERYTHING! “TTHINK OUR EWTIRE SCHOOL IS INVOLVED IN ‘SOME SORT OF SOCIAL MEDIA CONSPIRACY? [AND AS FUTURE CO-VALEDICTORIANS,. I'S OUR DUTY TO D0 SOMETHING? st their way through school For 20 bucks Warr. ANSWERS TO THE ‘ure rw Gwin ‘owes? ust EARNED ANOTHER rc Tuan 6007 TOON HNOW HOW TWAS COMMA GRADE THAT CCheatiry was selling ke Fidget spinner-shaped hotcakes. Kids ‘everywhere were scamming their parents. And lin turn, was. camming them. it was beautiful ‘Ail those pathetic tubes getting hosed. All that glorious credit card information coursing through my modem! My time machine would be Funded in no time.. ‘SOON...VERY SOON. MUAHAHAKA (CHEATIFY Just RAISED THEIR FEES AGAIN? TLTHINK SOMETHING WEIRD I5 GOING ON AROLND ERE. HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW EVERYONE SEEMS ‘TO BE ACING THEIR CLASSES ALL OF A SUDDEN? VEFF WEINERBALIM JUST GOT AO ON OLR »s WESTERN CIV TEST’ Lo fy vouveazous i) iy y YOU DION GET THE y ‘wasn cunase ioe uete-ust “apeues tester CAREFUL, NANCY DREW. FALLING INTO RABBIT HOLES I5 A GOOD WAY TO FIND SWANES. BESIDES, NOBODY LIKES A PLAYER HATER. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THAVE A MEETING WITH SOME ‘SILICON VALLEY FAT CATS ABOUT ‘ay aeccoz ike learus, 'had flown too close ‘fo the sun. Unlike learus, my erime wasn't hubris..but rather, genius! tate Tar a Well. genius, along with several dozen Felonies, misdemeanors and tax code violations. Fa GET GET GET ‘rasan FaI#/ USTEN, THs ARGHHHIS ABOUT THAT ‘DAMN TT, ROGER! BEVONCE ALBUM I PIRATED, 1 EEEEEE SWEAR T WAS 1 70L0 voulT0 STAY GONNA BLY It OWWIWWW burt 1 FORGOT (OFF THOSE RUSSIAN GAHHHMH ty TUNES PASSWORD! TORRENT SITES! EWE? our sow? WHAT THE VAAAGHHHH DD HE ‘DoF ’And 60, Hf was the end of the road For me and my little social experiment. Toutemarted them all, of course. My app was deleted. My tools were impounded. 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