Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Katherin! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center
Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your essay contains good transitional words, Katherin. This is a good way to create essay
coherence. This also clarifies the solutions for your readers and this ensures a smooth reading
experience for them. Here is a commendable excerpt from your draft:

Finally, the last potential idea. . .

Main Idea/Thesis
Your thesis statement does not precisely preview your essay:
Inactive customers at my store that do not want to bag their groceries are a real problem
that cannot continue and need to be solved.
In your essay, you talk about specific solutions to the problem. However, you do not mention
these specific topics in your thesis statement. This might leave your readers unprepared for the
rest of your essay; they might not know what to expect from it.
Consider being more specific in your thesis statement. In it, you might want to identify the specific
topics that you cover in your essay. It might help to go over your essay again to take note of
those topics. Afterwards, you might want to integrate these into your thesis statement. Take a
look at this sample thesis statement for a similar essay:
Bowler's autocratic management style, when coupled with Smith's theory of social
cognition, can reduce the expenses associated with employee turnover.
Consider using it as a model for when you revise your own. If you need more help, you might also
want to read the chapter on Developing a Thesis from the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.
Content Development
Your draft contains points that are underdeveloped, Katherin. A well-developed paragraph leaves the
reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete. One good way to develop ideas is
through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how that point relates to your thesis.

P: Make a point: This idea will be great because I will not have to interact with some
problem people and I will not have to tell one by one.

I: Illustrate the point: How exactly is this a solution? What is good about not having to
interact with people?

E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

*Katherin 9745041 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Some of your sentences are missing commas. Using commas to separate words and ideas is important
because it allows your readers to have a smooth reading experience. Failure to use commas when
needed can cause confusion. Take a look at this excerpt from your draft:

When this happens the lines start to get longer and longer and people start looking at me
Words, phrases, and clauses placed before the main clause of a sentence are known as introductory
elements. Most often, these introductory elements tell when, where, why, or how the action occurred.
A comma shows readers that the introductory element has ended and the main sentence follows. So
you may understand the revision need better, I have created a parallel example below:

With your help, we will be able to raise enough funds for the project.

Please check your draft for similar errors. You may read more about Commas in your Smarthinking
Writers Handbook.

*Katherin 9745041 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:

Since content development is more urgent, I have focused on this area instead of transitions. In the
meantime, take a look at Smooth Transitions to learn more about it.

Summary of Next Steps:

Create a concise thesis statement.

Develop your ideas well.
Separate introductory elements from the main sentence by using commas.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Katherin! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Katherin Carrillo

Jill Bauer

ESL 184

1 May 2017

Lazy Shoppers at the Grocery Store

The store in which I work as a cashier is always busy because it is a big store and we

always have good sales. The majority of the residents of Whittier like to go to this particular

store because the service that we have is great but there is a problem with some customers. There

are some shoppers that want me go do the entire job just by myself when they can contribute. I
do not really mind to help the customers to bag their groceries but when the store is crowded I

need some help. Seeing long lines and customer waiting for me to pack their staff is the most

annoying thing in the whole world. When this happens the lines start to get longer and longer and

people start looking at me. Inactive customers at my store that do not want to bag their groceries

are a real problem that cannot continue and need to be solved. [What are the specific solutions

that will be discussed in the paper? Remember to outline the specific topics of the paper in

order to complete your thesis and better guide your readers!]

One of the possible solution for solving the problem of doing all the job just by myself is

to have big signs that say that the cashiers are not obligated to bag the groceries of the customers.

Having this signs will make the customers to understand that sometimes we also need of their

help. If they see what the sings says they will start to help me to bag their staff and it will be

easier for me and the lines will not be longer anymore. I will be happy and the customers at the

lines as well, because they will not have to wait so long for being helped. However, some

customers may not pay attention to this signs and they are going to ignored them. Others may get

mad at this and will decide not going to this store anymore. [What are the implications of this?

How does this support your proposed solution? Consider ending body paragraphs with

statements that relate back to the main idea.]

Another solution for solving this problem with lazy customers at the store could be make

advertisements on television. On this commercials will present how it will be if customer and

cashiers at the store help each other to bag the groceries that the customer is buying. The

advertisements would get to every person in our community because nowadays everybody has

televisions at home. As a result of this when the customers get to the store next time they will

know that helping the cashier to bag their groceries will make things work better. This idea will
be great because I will not have to interact with some problem people and I will not have to tell

one by one. This option seems too perfect for me but it may not work for the rest. [ This is a

run-on sentence which lacks a comma to separate your thoughts. To fix this, you can create

a compound sentence by joining two independent clauses with a comma and a coordinating

conjunction. (e.g. Going to the gym is not a cure for obesity, but religiously doing so does

wonders for your health.)] Making advertisement on television will have a cost for the store and

there also will be some people that may not like the advertisements.

Finally, the last potential idea to solve the problem is having a person at the register that

will bag the groceries of the customers. Having this helper will be things easier, the cashier will

ring the customer up and the helper will bag. We will not have long lines anymore because

having two persons at the register will make the job faster. This idea will make the customer

happy because they will not wait so long to be helped. I will also be happy because I will not

have to be bagging all the time. Our customer service will be better than today and more people

will go to buy at our store.

In conclusion, the best option for solving the problem with this people is having the

helper next to the cashier. People will be happy with our service and their shopping experience

will be better. Before of going to other store they will remember how good is going to our store

and being help as we do. This idea will reduce lines and displeased people.