Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor
has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you
for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Shuang! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay
Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your thesis is clear and concise, Shuang. This allows your readers to understand the
content, purpose, and organization of your paper. Good job! Heres your thesis:

Higher education should be free because it will increase the countrys economic
development and competitiveness.

Introduction/Conclusion
Your conclusion attempts to introduce a new idea. This is a problem because your readers
are waiting for something that gives closure to your essay and something that makes it
come into full circle, but the last paragraph introduces a new idea instead.

In 1/03/2017, New York became the first state of free university and college.

This statement is a new idea whose discussion might be suited for a body paragraph.
Perhaps, it would be best to make a new body paragraph that discusses this milestone for
New York. Remember, conclusions are supposed to achieve three things:

o Reiterates the thesis

o Sums up the major points
o Ends on a strong note

Conclusions answer questions such as How do I end my essay so that it comes into full
circle?, How does my main idea apply to the future?, What statements can I make in
order to reinforce my main idea and my supporting points without suddenly introducing
new ideas?. You may use these questions to aid you in the revision process. You may also
refer to the lesson on Strong Conclusions in your Writers Handbook.

Content Development
Your draft contains points that are underdeveloped, Shuang. A well-developed paragraph
leaves the reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete. One good
way to develop ideas is through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how
that point relates to your thesis.

P: Make a point: The most benefit of higher education is the earning

power.

I: Illustrate the point: What is earning power? How exactly is this a

benefit?

E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

*shuang67 9744407 has requested that you respond to the Grammar &
Mechanics:
Your draft contains sentences that have unnecessary commas between them. This can
cause your readers to pause unnecessarily and this can disrupt the reading experience for
them. Lets take a look at a sentence from your draft:
 . . .education is very important, because education is a positive factor in the
development of economy.

The sentence above is a complex sentence. A complex sentence includes one independent
clause and at least one dependent clause. When the dependent clause comes first, it is an
introductory clause followed by a comma. When it follows the independent clause, no
comma is needed. A dependent clause often begins with a dependent marker word, such
as after, as if, because, even though, since, unless, or when.

For example:

I need to do the shopping, because there is nothing to eat in the house.

This is incorrect. The second clause, because there is nothing to eat in the house, is
dependent; there is no need to use a comma between the two clauses. This is how its
supposed to be done:

I need to do the shopping because there is nothing to eat in the house.

You may use the example to revise your sentences accordingly. Please check your draft for
similar errors. You may read more about Commas in your Smarthinking Handbook.

*shuang67 9744407 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:
Since content development is more urgent, I have focused on this area instead of word
choice. In the meantime, take a look at Adjectives to learn more about it.

Summary of Next Steps:

Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.

Develop your ideas well.

Remove unnecessary commas from your draft.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in
the revision process. Have a good day, Shuang! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking
Writer's Handbook.

________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Songshen Huang

EN101

Dr.Leah Sneider

4/18/2017
 Free Higher Education

For countries and communities, education is very important, because

education is a positive factor in the development of economy. At present in the

majority of countries, foundation education basically is the compulsory education.

The problem is that there are only a few of countries in the world provide free higher

education ,such as Germany, Denmark, and Finland.Free higher education such as

college has been the topic of heated debate since the early 20 th century. [Why does

this debate even exist? What is the issue at hand? Why are some people against

it? Introduce this issue to your readers.] Free higher education is conducive to

development of nations and individuals. Higher education should be free because it

will increase the countrys economic development and competitiveness.

First, free higher education can increase the countrys economic development.

We all know that education needs a lot of money. In addition to the teaching material,

classroom, and the teachers salary, college also need to provide some special

equipment such as laboratories and computer rooms. These are all need a lot of money

to maintain and repair. The main problem of free higher education is that where the

money come from. As for other free higher education countries, such as Germany, the

expense is responsible by the state. Therefore, many people are worried about free

higher education would affect the economic development and bring economic

pressure of country. However, free higher education with the economic problem only

briefly, it brings economic benefits for the country is the long term. By a report from

the College Board,2013 Education pays: The Benefits of Higher Education for

Individuals and society, the author shows that the higher education brings huge

economic benefits. The most benefit of higher education is the earning power. The

report confirms that people who have higher education level have higher income
ability. The research Brookings Institutions Hamilton Project which says: On

average, the benefits of a four-year college degree are equivalent to an investment that

returns 15.2% per year. Also, the higher earnings of educated works typically cause

higher tax payment at the local, state, and federal levels. According 2013 Education

pays says: Four-year college graduates pay, on average, 78% more in taxes each

year than high school graduates, and for those who continued on to earn a

professional degree, average tax payments are more than three and a half times as

high as those paid by high school graduates. Therefore, free higher education can

increase the countrys economic by higher income ability. [ What particular

aspect of the economy will be increased? Clarify this for your readers. (e.g.

economic development, economic stability, etc.)]

Second, free higher education can increase the countrys competitiveness.

Some people may say what is the countrys competitiveness. As the wiki, countrys

competitiveness is the ability of countries to provide high levels of prosperity to their

citizens, this in turn depends on how productively a country uses available resources.

Therefore, we can say that more competitiveness economy is the economy that

grows faster over time. Many determinants drive countrys competitiveness. The

higher education is the one of 12-main factor. [What are these 12 main factors that

you are pertaining to? Explain this to your readers in order for them to

understand its importance.] Workers who have higher education can effectively

improver product efficiency, which will make more countrys competitiveness.The

World Economic Forum say Quality higher education and training is

crucial for economies that want to move up the value chain beyond

simple production processes and products. According the 2015 Global

competitiveness, all of the top 10 competitiveness of country have high value higher
education. Higher education is the important reason of economic development. For

example, defeat in the second world war, Japan rapidly became the world's second

largest economy (after the United States) by the 1960s. The most important reason is

that japan take education seriously. The Japanese government adhere to the time of

compulsory education has been extended from 6 years to 9 years. Every year also set

aside 6% of the Gross Domestic Product (GDP)as an education funds, the proportion

was much higher than other countries. The high education funds also make the gross

national product increased. In1960-1970, The gross national product increased 3.5

times, and it increased the education funds 3.7 times. These measures played an

important role to improve the national quality. Also, 60% of postwar Japan's economic

growth is to rely on science and technology progress, and the progress of science and

technology is the popularization of education.

Education is the fundamental cause of a nation development. Free higher

education can increase the countrys economic development and countrys

competitiveness. Therefore, governments must conscientiously put education on the

priority position to the development. In 1/03/2017, New York became the first state of

free university and college. The education is a kind of important public product that

need the government investment. The government play a role of a key area. Free

higher education is good or not, lets wait and see.

Sandy Baum,Jennifer Ma, Kathleen Payea ,2013 Education pays: The Benefits of

Higher Education for Individuals and society, College Board,2013

GreenstoneInstitutions Hamilton ProjectBrookongs, 2011

Global competitiveness Report 2014-2015, world economic forum, 2015