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> Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr}

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% The Simpsons race in their car down a country road, pursued by a
% black helicopter with the Olympic Games logo.
Officer: Give up, Mr. Simpson! We know you have the Olympic torch.
Marge: For God's sakes Homer, give them back their flame.
Homer: No! The Olympics have pre-empted my favorite shows for
the last time.
Bart: You can always find your favorite shows next month.
Homer: *You* wait 'till next month! *You* wait 'till next month!
Marge: [exasperated] Every four years ...
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Marge grabs the torch from Homer and tosses it to the helicopter.
% The pilots are so entranced by the beauty of the flame that they
% forget to control the helicopter and it smashes into a hillside.
% Fortunately, the men aren't hurt, but the crash has extinguished the
% Olympic flame.
%
% Meanwhile, Homer has grown bored, but not for long. He abruptly
% stops the car when he sees a fair going on at the fancy Springfield
% Prep School.
Lisa: Springfield Prepatory School? Dad, you told me there were
no private schools in Springfield.
Homer: But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
-- Parental Psychology 101, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The school's snooty headmaster introduces himself to the Simpson
% family. Homer makes the mistake of pointing to the beer tent, and
% the headmaster promptly smacks him on the wrist. "Monkeys point,"
% he says. "Monkeys cry," Homer answers softly.
%
% Marge is impressed by the school grounds.
Marge: This campus is so lush and verdant.
Teacher: Yes, you probably recognize it from the film,
"Calling All Co-eds."
Marge: [pointing, like a monkey] Oh, is that where Boozer
drank the pee?
Teacher: It's *one* of the places.
-- The hallowed grounds of Springfield Prep,
"The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Homer has a fun time bouncing in the moonwalk house, until he
% punctures it. He apologizes to a few disappointed children as he
% leaves the deflated structure.
%
% Looking through a window, Lisa admires one of the classrooms.
Lisa: Oh, this school has everything.
Skinner: I know. Doesn't it just honk you off?
Lisa: [gasps] Their periodic table has 250 elements!
Skinner: And our school board's cut us back to 16 -- all of
them lanthanides.
Lisa: You know, we could get equipment like this through a
bond issue.
Skinner: Hmph. Here's your bond issue. [throws a
 cinderblock through the window, and then jumps into
the classroom. Seconds later, he emerges with a
"visible human" doll and a cello] Quick, take these.
Lisa: Principal Skinner, you're just stealing.
Skinner: Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Meanwhile, Marge helps herself to the buffet of "frou-frou" food.
% Nearby, Brandine and Cletus see someone they recognize.
Cletus: Look, Brandine, it's Wolfgang Puck. [to Puck] Mr.
Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut-
worm, I swear.
Puck: Try my Rice Krispies squares. They are wasabi-
infused with a portobello glaze. And, you can buy
them at the airport.
Marge: I make mine with M&Ms.
Puck: With M&M's? Now, that's what I call fusion. I
could sell 'em on the internet! [kisses Marge] To
the Puckmobile!
[the "Batman" theme plays as Puck jumps one the side
board of a van]
[to his driver] Go, go, go! [and off they go]
-- Same Puck time, same Puck channel, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Bart visits the bumper-car tent. The wealthy students are driving
% around in a genteel fashion, deliberately missing each other. Bart
% tries to shake things up by bumping someone with his bumper car.
% The other child is shaken up, and a bumper-car ambulance comes by to
% carry him away.
%
% Homer tries to play a prank on Flanders at the silent auction. He
% secretly signs his neighbor's name to a $50 bid. The joke backfires
% when the item turns out to be a $100 bill. Homer is further
% chagrined when Flanders pledges the money to an orphanage.
%
% At a ring-toss game, Carl and Lenny win a pair of microscopes which
% they use in their "research." Evidently, they are researching the
% best way to sword-fight using microscopes.
%
% Meanwhile, a trio of highborn bullies is playing keep-away with some
% girl's backpack. Bart rises to her defense, using his slingshot to
% fire Rice Krispies squares at the bullies. The boys beat a hasty
% retreat ... to the Hamptons.
Greta: You were so brave to take on all those bullies.
Bart: Those weren't bullies. *That's* a bully.
[the camera pans to Nelson and a butler. Nelson has the
man flat on his back, and uses the butler's fist to punch
him]
Nelson: Hey, butler, stop buttling yourself!
Butler: Would that I could, sir.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Ranier Wolfcastle approaches Bart and Greta.
Ranier: Time to go, Greta. Your mother's custody starts at 1800
hours.
Bart: Your dad's "McBain"?
Ranier: [laughs] I play many characters: McBain, Officer
 McVengeance, Sgt. Murder, and I was a voice on the
"Frasier."
Greta: Would you like to come to my house sometime? If it's okay
with my Dad.
Ranier: Come! We play Uno, I chase you with hose, no biggie.
Bart: Wow, cool! Uh, I guess we're leaving, too. [looks over
at the school's front gate. Lisa clings tightly to the
bars as Homer and Marge try to pry her away]
Lisa: No! I belong here! Please!
Homer: Don't worry, honey. We can't afford this now, but when
it's time, I promise my darling daughter can go to the
finest school there is ... in South Carolina.
Lisa: Oh! I will not be a Gamecock!
Homer: You will too! [Lisa continues her struggle, until her
grip on the bars finally slips]
Go Gamecocks!
Lisa: No!
-- At least it's not Brown, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% [End of Act One. Time: 5:19]
%
% Bart gets ready for his visit to Greta's house. Homer helps him out
% with a little friendly advice.
Look, boy, here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like
"Jumbo" or "Boxcar," and always get receipts. Makes you look like a
business guy.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The quiet afternoon is disturbed by a loud rumbling sound. The
% family runs to the front door just as Wolfcastle's enormous SUV
% pulls up.
Marge: That car's as big as all outdoors.
Homer: Wow, what kind of mileage does it get?
Ranier: One highway, zero city.
Marge: [impressed] Ooooh.
Ranier: Mmm-hm.
-- Something to brag about, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Ranier chauffeurs Bart and Greta back to the Wolfcastle house.
Ranier: Bart, your little tie makes me smile.
Bart: Excuse me, but you don't sound as tough as you do in the
movies.
Ranier: [threatening] If you don't shut your big yap, I will rip
off your face and use it as a napkin.
[pause, and then everyone laughs]
[serious again] Laughing time is over.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Greta's room has a lot of cool stuff, including oversize movie
% props.
Greta: These are props from one of my Dad's movies, "The
Incredible Shrinking McBain."
Bart: Wow, the Q-Tip he used to kill Ross Perot! Oh, everything
in your house is so cool.
Greta: What's your house like?
Bart: Aw, it's okay. My bed is stuffed with hay.
Greta: [laughs] Sorry. You're so funny.
Bart: [awkward laugh] Yeah ...
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Bart and Greta settle down to watch "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoons on
% DVD. First, they watch "Circus of the Scars." This episode finds
% the cat and mouse at the circus, where they work as trapeze artists.
% Itchy and Scratchy swing toward one another on separate trapezes.
% Itchy draws a pair of knives and cut Scratchy's arms off at the
% wrists. Scratchy falls *through* the net, under the trapezes, with
% the ropes cutting his body into neat little cubes. A circus
% elephant eats some of the cat cubes.
Greta: Check out the audio commentary. [pushes a button on
the DVD remote. A picture-in-picture box appears on
the screen, showing Itchy and Scratchy.]
Scratchy: We shot this at four in the morning, and the crew
was getting a little cranky.
Itchy: You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderberg
Scratchy: Always wanting more rehearsal -- [Itchy attacks him,
cutting off his head]
-- No long-winded commentaries here, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Next, it's the Wolfcastles' turn to visit the Simpsons. Marge
% prepares a variety of fine German sausage cuisine, including
% bratwurst, sauerbraten, and donderblitzen. Lisa recoils at these
% choices, and Ranier dismisses her as a "whale-kissing, Dukakis-
% hugging moon maiden."
%
% Greta shyly reaches for Bart's hand under the table.
Bart: What are you doing? Oh, I gotcha. [pulls Greta's hand on
the table] One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
[Bart begins to thumb-wrestle Greta]
Greta: One, two, three!
Bart: Hey, that was a fast count.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Ranier eyes the last slice of pie.
[to pie] Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.
-- Ranier Wolfcastle, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Some time later, the Wolfcastles' doorbell rings. Greta answers the
% door.
Greta: Hi, Bart!
Milhouse: [jumps into the doorway] Whazzu-u-up!
Greta: Oh. You brought someone.
Bart: Yeah, this is Milhouse. He's my best friend because
... well, geographical convenience, really.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Milhouse brought his bathing suit, and happily splashes around in
% Greta's pool.
%
% Meanwhile, Homer bring *his* new friend to Moe's Tavern.
Homer: Hello, gentlemen. Would you care to meet Ranier
Wolfcastle?
Carl: Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Lenny: Hey, I've been using that ab-roller you endorsed,
but I haven't been gotten any results.
Ranier: Right, because you've been using it backwards.
[spins Lenny around to reveal an impressively-
developed set of abs on Lenny's back]
Carl: Are you really Homer's friend?
Lenny: After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover
film?
Moe: Is it really true that if I kill you, I become you?
Ranier: Ugh. This looks like a job for my authorized
lookalike. [leaves. A second later another man who
looks just like Wolfcastle walks in]
Charlie: Hi, I'm Charlie. I live in his trunk.
Moe: So, how much you lookalikes make? 'Cause some say I
look like Macaulay Culkin. [does a bad
impersonation of Culkin's "aftershave" scene in
"Home Alone"]
-- Whatever Charlie gets paid, it isn't enough,
"The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Ranier -- the real Ranier -- treats Homer, Bart, and Greta to
% courtside seats at the basketball game. Greta turns to Bart with a
% question.
Greta: Bart, my school's having a dance. It's pretty lame, but
maybe you could make it fun. If we went together.
Bart: Yeah, I guess.
[the crowd cheers a defensive play]
Homer: Ouch! I sat on something sharp.
Ranier: Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
Homer: [laughs] I have a Boyle on my ass!
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Later, in Principal Skinner's office.
Skinner: Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-
up comedy act tonight. If the students find out I'm
performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down.
Willie: I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.
Skinner: All right. Plus one?
Willie: Nay.
Skinner: Now, I'll give you directions starting from the
Simpson house.
[cut to just outside Skinner's office door, where
Bart and Milhouse are eavesdropping]
Bart: Oh, ho, we are so there.
Milhouse: Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance
tonight?
Bart: Hmm, yeah. Maybe I should keep my promise.
Skinner: I just hope the audience is kind, because my
material is weak and, uh, and I have that bladder
thing.
Bart: That's it -- I'm blowing off the dance. This is the
biggest thing that happened to me since chocolate
milk!
Milhouse: They've got chocolate milk now?
-- Bart's busy social schedule, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% And so the boys go to Floppy's, where Krusty the Klown is the emcee.
% Another unlikely comic, Captain McAllister, is finishing his set.
% He holds a swordfish with three rolls of toilet paper on its
% "sword". The audience isn't laughing. Krusty walks onstage to wrap
% things up.
Krusty: That was the prop comedy of the Sea Captain. More
like, "Thar he blows!" [audience laughs]
Cap'n: Yar, I'm so sorry.
Krusty: All right let's keep this train wreck moving.
[looks at an index card he's holding] Principal
Skinner? I know him; he's not funny. Well, enjoy!
[walks offstage. The audience applauds as Skinner
walks over to the microphone. He adjusts it
(causing a little feedback), and begins his routine]
Skinner: So, it's, uh, standardized testing time again. Have
you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong
circles?
Bart: [chanting from the back of the club room] Sey-mour!
Sey-mour!
Skinner: Heh. Lost my place. [clears throat] Maybe, maybe,
maybe, maybe a little, uh, improv would raise the
roof here. Would someone name a profession?
Bart: Loser principal!
Skinner: Uh, I think I heard, "California Surfer." [imitates
a man on a surfboard]
Agnes: You suck, Seymour!
[everyone in the audience boos, except for Bart and
Milhouse, who laugh]
-- The king of comedy, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Bart walks home, still laughing at Skinner's terrible performance.
% Lisa meets him at the bottom of the stairs.
Lisa: Greta called. It seems you told her you were sick.
Bart: Lisa, I only lied because it was the easiest way to get
what I wanted.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% That's not a good enough excuse for Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, this girl is in love with you. Think about it.
[Bart reminisces about the times he's had with Greta, like
the ride in the SUV and the thumb-wresting match.
Finally, he remembers when the two played Scrabble, where
all the words are romantic -- except for the "oblivious"
laid down by Bart]
Bart: Hey, I didn't lead her on. I always played it light and
breezy.
Lisa: Well, if you don't feel the way Greta does, you've got to
tell her before she gets hurt.
Bart: All right, I know what to do. I'll dump her like she's
never been dumped before. Then, we'll go right back to
being friends.
Lisa: [facetious] Well, Bart, you really understand women.
Bart: Lis, women are easy. State capitals are hard.
-- Bart, about to learn a hard lesson, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Homer comes home from a cock fight. Lisa isn't too approving of
% that, either.
%
% Bart implements phase one of his plan at an ice-cream parlor.
Greta: You're breaking up with me? [sobs]
Waiter: [to Bart] Don't worry. We get that a lot here.
[points to another booth where Chief Wiggum and Lou
are sitting]
Wiggum: Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change.
Lou: I just think there's more money in private security.
Wiggum: What I'm hearing is, I'm too fat. [cries, although
not so hard he can't eat his sundae] Aren't I?
-- It's not you, it's me, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% [End of Act Two. Time: 13:28]
%
% At home, Ranier tries to console his daughter.
Greta: I can't believe he dumped me.
Ranier: In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
Greta: Dad, this isn't a movie.
Ranier: Well, let my muscles hug you.
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The next day, Bart visits the Wolfcastle household.
Bart: Greta, I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup well,
but you're a sweet kid and someday you'll find
someone who --
Milhouse: Whazzu-u-up!
Bart: Milhouse? Greta? Well, no one has to draw me a
picture.
Milhouse: Oh, but I did. [shows Bart a drawing of Milhouse
and Greta kissing]
Bart: [gasps] Greta, is this how it is?
Greta: Yes, except he kissed me in the eye. [closes the
door]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Bart regrets his decision to break up with Greta.
Bart: Oh, I was an idiot. Now I'll be alone forever. Why did I
break up with her?
Lisa: Oh, Bart, it's human nature. You only want her because
someone else has her.
Bart: Prove it, using examples from this room.
Lisa: All right. Look, Maggie's not playing with this ball
right now. But look what happens when I take it. [takes
the ball out of Maggie's playpen. The baby tries to get
it back] See?
Bart: Gimmie the ball! Gimmie the ball!
Lisa: [sighs]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Bart stalks Greta and Milhouse on their dates, following them to the
% park, the beach, and the boardwalk. Finally, he is desperate enough
% to leave a message on Greta's answering machine. When she picks up,
% Bart tries to ask her to take him back, but Greta cuts him off.
% "I'm leaving in ten minutes. My Dad's shooting a movie in Toronto,"
% she says. "You're going to Spain?" asks the boy who thinks state
% capitals are hard.
%
% Bart explains his situation to his family.
Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America
Junior?
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The rest of the family is more willing to take the trip, so Homer
% gives in. He decides the family will go First Class ... Bus lines.
It's so clean and bland. I'm home!
-- Marge Simpson, upon arriving in Canada, "The Bart Wants What It
Wants"
% Bart notes that the Toronto bus station is the birthplace of Paul
% Shaffer. Homer jaywalks across the street, figuring Canada's free
% health care system will protect him. When a car hits him, he
% figures he's rich.
%
% The family sees the sights in Toronto. Marge takes a snapshot of
% the Skydome. Lisa visits the Museum of Draft-Dodgers. Homer and
% Bart visit the CN Tower.
Bart: I'm a ten-year-old boy in Toronto. I should be the
happiest kid in the world. But I can't stop thinking
about Greta.
Guard: Oh, you'll win her back, eh? And (b), we're closing in
five minutes.
Homer: Would a U. S. dollar change your mind?
Guard: American currency! What time would you like your
breakfast, sir?
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The Simpsons take a tour of a Toronto movie studio's backlot. Bart
% spots the place where Ranier Wolfcastle's "Undercover Nerd" is
% filming, and gets off the tour bus.
%
% Inside the studio is a set built to look like a school hallway. Two
% actors, playing bullies, are hassling a third actor playing a nerd.
% Ranier is playing McBain thinly disguised as a bookworm. He
% approaches the two "bullies."
Ranier: Excuse me, which way to the chess club?
Actor 1: What's your name, nerd?
Ranier: Melvin Eugene Punymier.
Actor 2: Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd.
Actor 1: Huh. Just more of you to pick on.
Ranier: The geek shall inherit the earth. [picks up the
first actor, and uses him to spear the second]
-- The next "McBain" blockbuster, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Homer and Bart find Greta backstage.
Homer: There she is, boy.
Bart: I don't know, Dad. What if she's still mad at me?
Homer: Listen to me, son. No one loves a quitter, so you go over
there and you win her back.
Bart: But she might say, "no."
Homer: Oh, I quit; there's no convincing you. Oh, I'm going to
take a nap. [goes to sleep]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Milhouse stops Bart from approaching Greta.
Milhouse: You're not going to win her back. She's with "The
House" now. [laughs]
Bart: Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me.
Milhouse: My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for.
So take off, hoser!
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The two boys fight. ("I'm going to knock you into the next
% province," vows Milhouse.) The wrestle their way out of the
% "Undercover Nerd" building and into the studio next door, where a
% crew tapes an episode of "Curling for Loonies."
Announcer 1: Well, we've seen some wild sweeping here today.
Announcer 2: Yes, the broom handling has been truly dazzling.
[Bart and Milhouse fight their way into the arena]
What's this? Two young Yankee Doodles have turned
this match into a Dandy.
Announcer 1: [laughs] Both our viewers must be thrilled.
-- A very special episode of "Curling for Loonies,"
"The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The boys eventually fight their way to the end of the curling rink.
% Greta is waiting for them.
Bart: Greta, I miss you so much. Please be my girlfriend
again.
Greta: No.
Milhouse: Yes! The House always wins!
Greta: Sorry, Milhouse. I thought Canada would save our
relationship, but it only made it worse.
Milhouse: You're breaking up with me? Why?
Greta: I guess I was just looking for someone more ...
masculine.
Milhouse: I told you, I don't know how that scrunchy got in my
hair.
Greta: Sorry, guys, but you two have put me off dating for
at least four years. I think I'll just buckle down
and co-produce my Dad's movie.
Bart: Need a unit production manager? [growls]
Greta: It's too late, Bart. [walks away]
-- "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% And with that, Greta's out of their lives forever. Bart and
% Milhouse reinstate their friendship.
Bart: Well, I guess we're single again.
Milhouse: I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff.
But are we still friends?
Bart: 'Till the next one.
-- A realistic pledge of friendship, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% The boys figure that as long as they're in Canada, they might as
% well do something fun. Soon, they're playing basketball with some
% grown Canadian men.
Milhouse: I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic
 basketball team.
Bart: Yep. It's just that easy! [He shoots. He misses]
Player: Wow, that was close. You can be the center.
-- Going for the gold, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% Hey! Let's go back to Floppy's and see how Skinner's doing!
Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before
you run out of permission slips?
Jimbo: How come you suck?
Skinner: Uh, I lack confidence?
-- Yeah, that would be it, "The Bart Wants What It Wants"
% [End of Act Three. Time: 19:45]
%
% Normal closing credit music. The Gracie Sound is Milhouse yelling,
% "Wazzup!"
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