Essay for the International Master Artist Educator

University: ArtEz Arnhem.

Authors Name: Caro de Feijter

Title: I want to Is it okay to be grey?

Word Count: 4362

Date of Submission: June 29 2017

Dyslexia declaration:
Is it okay to be grey?

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We do not get certainty by our church, we are not sure how the economy will be at the end

of this week and we do not stay at the same job or with the same partner our entire life. This

uncertainty brought liquid fear, meaning fear flowing on our own court, not staying in one

place but diffuse. (Bauman cited by Al Jazeera. 2016).We are more free than our ancestors

but this freedom gives us a lot of uncertainty, claims modern philosopher Zygmunt Bauman

(cited by Al Jazeera. 2016).

I wonder, how we can deal with this insecurity and fear? Cantwell (2017) explains that,

because we are overwhelmed by freedom, we are often create and start to think in black and

white structures to give us a gasp of what could happen next. These structures tell people

from a young age, by for instance the question what you want to be when you grow up, that

we should have a clear image about our career, identity or talent box (Cantwell, 2017). I

believe people are more diverse and hybrid than one job, talent, emotion or identity. Human

Nature is not black and white but black and grey (Greene cited by Cantwell, 2017). Cantwell

(2017) concludes that thinking you have to fit in one box can create the feeling of insecurity,

like you do not belong somewhere (Cantwell, 2017). I think, relating to Cantwell (2017) that

by having freedom we can find the ability to express ourselves and be true to who we are

instead of following a system that is put on us. Therefore I believe that we should not fear

not knowing what will happen next, what Bauman (cited by Al Jazeera, 2016) describes as

liquid fear.But how can you feel okay with being grey?

A black or white group could be male or female. A lot of people are in the grey area of

gender where they feel like they are not solely male or female. Figure 1 showcases Cahal,

one of Models the Toilet portraits. This project I developed together with visual artist Lory

Stuurman for Foyle Pride Festival 2017. These portraits tell the stories of young LGBT+

people from Derry/Londonderry using audio, text and photography.

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Figure 1: Portrait Cahal from the Toilet Portraits for Foyle Pride. Quote: Nobody was going out of the womb in a skirt and a pair of
high heels, nobody came out with a pair of tracksuit bottoms or gym clothes. That is stuff we decided for ourselves. What goes on
between someones legs has nothing to do with what goes on in their head and heart.

In The Toilet Portraits we tried to find what the words feminine and masculine meant to our

models. Judith Butler (2014) explains that we can only understand words by making

connections to references and repetitions that happened before (Butler, 2014). Butler (2014)

claims that words , and thereby their references, are acting on people. She says that the

expectation that references can bring make people act like the words that are used on them.

Acting out the meaning of the word can become a confirming of the word and the meaning

that is giving to the word and so the word confirms itself. (Butler, 2014). This made me

realise a problem, I think that we need words and structures to tell stories. I wonder, how do

we use words and structures in a way that enables people instead of acting upon them?I

conclude from Butler's (2014) statement that performativity creates power for people who
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have influence on how people interpret a word that describes an identity since this

interpretations can influence on how people behave.

I think you can influence how people interpret a word using art. For instance with the Toilet

portraits, where we show how brought gender and LGBT+ can be.The quote by Sarah (see

figure 2) is an example that broadens the the definition of femininity. By stating that makeup

and heels are not feminine the story of the model creates the opportunity for people that do

not consider themselves feminine to wear makeup or heels.

Figure 2: Portrait Suzan from the Toilet Portraits for Foyle Pride. Quote: People generally say that I am very
feminine, I can see where they get that from but it is not there. To me heels arent feminine, makeup isnt
feminine.

Lory and I also created a dutch version of The Toilet Portraits that we showcased on a

festival in Amsterdam (see figure 3 and 4). We decided to showcase this project in public

space since I believe that we do not only are performed on by the meaning of words but also

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by the governing of space. Pascal Gielen (2013, p.5-6.) states that citys separate people in

places. An example he gives is that middle Class, lower income groups and higher income

groups are living in different areas. Gielen (2013, p.5-6.) thinks this keeps people stuck in

their adolescence because they never have to interact with somebody that disagree with

them. He concludes that public space loses the function to showcase differences and this

brings the paradox of the fear, how more you isolate to become more peaceful and not

confront the world with your fear the more your fear grows (Gielen, 2013, p.5-6.)

Figure 3: One of the Toilet Portraits on a Toilet Figure 4: One of the Toilet Portraits on a Toilet

I conclude from this that we start thinking in groups where we do and do not belong to.

Relating to Butler (2014) I realised that for this separation you need words that can describe

the identities of the groups you are separating. I believe this does not only create a

separation and thereby isolation of groups. The Toilet Portraits show a public space, the

toilet, where people are separated on a part of their identity, their gender. Coming back to

Cantwell (2017), separating people into groups creates problems for the people that do not

fit into the categories that form the groups. In the case of the toilets, where people are

separated based to their gender, creates a problem for people that do not solely feel male or

female. By putting their pictures and stories in the toilet I claim the space for them and I
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make people aware of the separation.

You can also see a clear effect on how space is experienced when you look at

Traumascapes (Tumarkin, 2005, p.71-80.). The world is full of Traumascapes, a distinctive

category of places transformed physically and psychically by suffering (Tumarkin, 2005,

p.71-80.). One of the most famous Traumascapes of our time is 9/11 (Tumarkin 2005, p.71-

80.). At the memorial, Ground Zero, they put a christian cross (History, 2013). This cross

was a part of the twin towers in was found, in his shape, in the rouble of the buildings

(History, 2013). The American Atheist action group started a lawsuit to get the cross

removed since they found that this cross claimed the space for Christians who suffered from

the attacks and thereby was letting the 500 atheist who died unnoticed ( Mears, 2014). I

conclude that putting up the cross might make it easier for an christian person to pray to god

at the memorial side. While it makes is harder for somebody with no religion or other

religions to perform their mourning rituals at that sight. This makes me wonder how you can

create spaces that are inclusive to all people without banning rituals or artifacts that are

important to have for certain identity groups.

During an interview I did with theatre maker and installation artist Dries Verhoeven (2016,

appendix 1, p.17) I realised that the governing of space does not only take place in spaces

of trauma. Verhoeven (2016, appendix 1, p.17) explained to me the value of embracing

imperfection. He believes we live in a society where we try to create perfection in our public

spaces (Verhoeven, 2016, appendix 1 p.17). Verhoeven explains in his book Scratching

where it hurts (2017) that the public space is a mirror for our society. When we put this mirror

full of perfect advertisement pictures of successful people we get used to pictures that

showcase a more perfect world, this constant showcasing of success and happiness creates

a longing for us to achieve success (Verhoeven, 2017, p.8). Verhoeven (2017, p.8) thinks

this creates discomfort when you are not that image on the bus stop. This discomfort makes

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us long for entertainment and comfort. Verhoeven (2017, p.8) feels that there is a danger in

always seeing the world around you brighter than it is because you stop doubting and

questioning and you accept things the way they are. (Verhoeven, 2017, p.8). I think in this

case we stop seeing everything that ins confrontational and when we cannot escape

confrontation anymore we do not know how to handle it.

Verhoeven (2016, appendix 1, p.17) told me that in for instance Sri Lanka, where he worked

for a while, people are more used to dealing with discomfort. He told me that in Sri Lanka it

is a compliment, if you would come over for a cup of tea, to give you a broken tea mug. This

symbolises that all in live will end. Nothing will be forever. Our bodies will break as just like

the tea mug. Therefore, considering the limitations of time and life, I let you know, by giving

you a broken mug, that Im glad we spend time together. (Verhoeven, 2016, appendix 1

p.17)

This story made me realise that I do not now how to speak about bodies that broke. I have a

lot of friends who lost one of their parents on an early age. I catch myself on failing in talking

with them about it, even when they start the conversation. I do not know what to say. Im

scared to do wrong. I visited four of my friends, that lost one of their parents to develop a

Tea party with broken tea cups. We searched for the right and wrong questions and remarks

to give to somebody that lost a loved one and tips for someone who wants to support a loved

one that lost a loved one. Together we created sets of broken mugs and I made

personalised tea boxes for them. This box can help them to talk with loved ones about how

they can help them.

With a Teaparty with Broken Tea Mugs I created a new ritual for mourning.I believe most

mourning rituals are influenced by ideas how you should mourn according to religion or

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cultural background, just like a lot of Traumascapes (Tumarkin, 2005) like Ground Zero are

influenced by religion (History 2013. Mears 2014).

In my work I want to create a place where diversity is welcome and where all forms of for

instance mourning or gender expression are allowed. Where one identity does not exclude

the other. Where for instance the Ground Zero Cross, would not exclude the American

Atheist (History 2013. Mears, 2014). I believe that art can create a table. A table on which

different people with different ideas around certain topics can take a sit and voice their

opinions. Philosopher Arendt (1999, p.7) states that We can put our disagreements on table

and at the same time the table connects people who take place at it. I think that speaking

about our opinions with people who think, act or feel different can create critical reflection

and awareness of the self and others. I hope this can be a solution to the problem Gielen

(2013, p.5-6.) stated where people stay stuck in their adolescence because of their isolation.

But, I wonder, how do you create a space where the words or symbols of different people

can be their without excluding or disa validating to other? Rogers (2012, p.1-17) points out

the linguistics of the 20th century started working towards a solution when they used

structuralism, a method of inquiry that focuses on the foundation of language and the power

structures within. From structuralism Bricoleur research invoked. A method where it is

important to put in more perspectives (Rogers, 2012, p.1-17). The more perspectives one

can bring to their analysis and critique, the better grasp of the phenomena one will have and

the better one will be at developing alternative readings and oppositional practices (Kellner,

1999). Rogers (2012, p.1-17) continues to state that Narrative inquiry is a form of bricoleur

research where the researcher appreciates that inquiry is a representation. Because

objective reality can never be captured (Rogers, 2012, p.1-17) Narrative inquiry is set in

human stories of experience. It provides researchers with a rich framework through which

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they can investigate the ways humans experience the world depicted through their stories.

(Webster and Metronova, 2007).

My works are bricoleur since I put different stories together. I present them all in the same

way. This makes them all related and therefore part of a bigger unity, that together shows

diversity in the unity. But the stories do not de validade or exclude one another. It would be

the same if there would be one big field at Ground Zero where next to the Ground Zero

Cross (History 2013; Mears, 2014) there would be monuments for all religions or non

religions and a place that would invite you to create your own monument.

The Toilet Portraits and a Tea Party With Broken Tea Mugs I invited my participants to form

their own story and objects. During the creation of these projects I was very aware that I

wanted to showcase the stories of my participants without taking it from them and put a

version into the world that they did not agree with. To achieve this I developed an interview

method in which both the participant and I came up with the questions. When I did an

interview the first question would always be to write down three questions. These three

questions had to be about the topic the project. It can be a question that they either would

like to speak about, asked themselves a lot or would like to ask me. We would both write

down questions on separate papers. After the writing we would put the papers on a pile and

turn by turn, choose a paper, and answer the question by speaking about why we wrote it

down, what we thought about the question or answering the question. During the entire

interview the participants were invited to add questions to the pile, ask me questions or talk

about something different they thought was important to talk about. This way I came much

closer to topics, struggles or stories that are significant to the persons being interviewed.

There were also other methods to be sure people I worked with agreed with the work I made

about them. When I started working with the audio for the Toilet Portraits I would email the

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interviews back to the people to make sure they agreed with how i edited them. After the

interviews for a Tea Party With Broken Tea Mugs I let the participants choose the questions

and tips that would relate most to them from the pile of questions that I gathered in all the

conversations. The questions they had chosen I made into tea bags (see figure 5). I also

invited them to redesign mugs with me instead of solely creating mugs for them. I developed

a handmade box (see figure 6) to put the tea bags and mugs in.

Figure 5: a set of tea bags from a Tea Party with

broken tea mugs

Figure 6: A handmade wooden box and broken mug set

This way I created a cohesion between all the works and a frame in which there work would

get more value, like a painting in a frame. The concept for the teabox is that the participants

can fill in their own questions and thereby the box becomes like a chameleon that can

change to the identity of its owner. In the case of The Toilet Portraits, showcasing people

from the entire gender spectrum makes the toilet also a place where people that are not

either male or female can go. I want to show that even though we have different ways of

mourning or experiencing gender we all do and need similar things as human beings. In the

case of the Tea Party without teacups, having conversations over a cup of tea and in the

case of Toilet Portraits it is about the simple act of going to the toilet.

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I wondered how I could create frameworks in which all differences are welcome while

teaching. Together with visual artist and teacher Merel van der Velde I thought a group of

refugee boys in the age of 15 to 20 at C.O.A. I wanted to give space for each individual that I

was working with even though they had all sorts of language, art and motivation

backgrounds. We let the boys choose what kind of art they wanted to involve themselves in.

They mostly choose fine art like photography or drawing. This created a situation where I as

theatre maker was teaching the boys painting, something that I love to do but have no

technical skills for.

Ranciere(1988, p.13-14.) claims that a lot of teaching is based on transferring knowledge

from the master to the students. If the essential act of the master was the explicate, it is

because education -this myth of pedagogy, is also the social logic by which a world is

divided into knowing and ignorant ones, ripe minds and immature ones, the capable and the

incapable, the intelligent and the stupid. (Ranciere 1988, p.13-14.) The way of thinking

Ranciere (1988, p. 13-14.) describes in his quote can let students believe that students are

not capable of making their own decisions and that they should only do what the teacher

tells them to do.

One of the students we were teaching at C.O.A. doubted himself a lot and kept asking us

what he should paint. Everytime he had to make a new decision, for instance which color to

use, he kept asking us what to do. This made me think of the Hole in The Wall Experiment

(Mitra & Rana, 2001 p.230-226). The Hole in the Wall Experiment took place In 1999 when

researchers put an Internet connected computer in a slum in India. The team monitored the

children's uninstructed interactions with the computer and monitored the speed in which

each individual leaned basic computer tasks such as clicking or sending e-mails. Important

according to the researchers was that the interaction the children had with each other. This

supposedly illiterate children had taught themselves and each other to operate a computer

12
in a language (English) they did not know. They demonstrated that they were able to self-

instruct and obtain help from the environment when required; without explanation on what to

do (Mitra & Rana, 2001, p.230-226.)

Thinking of the Hole in the Wall experiment (Mitra & Rana, 2001, p.230-226) I realised that it

was important not to tell the boy I was teaching what he should do. I want to make him more

confident in making his own decisions, in becoming his own identity. At the end of the lesson

he came to me and asked if I wanted to paint a picture he showed me. The step he made

was choosing himself what he wanted to paint but I still said that I did not wanted to paint for

him. I want to make the painting together, where he tells me what to do instead of me telling

him how he should do it. The next lesson he painted a tree while Merel and I only helped him

by asking him what he thought that the next step would be or giving him tips when he was

struggling. When the boy was done with painting he educated us on the threes in his home

country, how they were sacred and part of their culture, he was teaching us. We broke the

cycle where the teacher is solely transferring knowledge to the student. When the boy was

explaining about the tree the student was transferring knowledge to the teacher. By not

explaining the students what they should do we created a learning environment where we all

learnt from one another.

I do not believe we should do and discover everything on our own and that students should

solely learn without a teacher. Butler states that nobody can sustain on their own. This is

socially organised, we have to give ourselves over to others as a baby (Butler, 2017). The

UN calls groups that can not sustain on their own vulnerable (United Nations News Centre,

2015). Which is a paradox since like we concluded before, nobody can sustain on their own

(Butler 2017). Spijkerboer (2017) states that a reference often thought of when thinking of

vulnerability is weakness. But he believes there is also strength in vulnerability since groups

that we claim are vulnerable can be very powerful when they for instance gather and

13
organise their journey from country to country to flee from violence and chose to search for a

better live. It takes power to flee away from home (Spijkerboer, 2017). The power of the

people that are claimed to be vulnerable is in protest since people that have no place to go

claim their space. Protest is embodiment gathering, social bodies gathering become a bodily

claim. This way vulnerability and resistance become partners. (Butler 2017)

I find this same power of gathering in learning and teaching. Learning together is easier than

doing it on your own. For instance the Hole in the Wall experiment (Mitra & Rana, 2001,

p.230-226) researchers emphasize on how the children taught one another. What does this

mean for the role of a teacher when, according to Ranciere (1988, p.13-14.) a teacher who

explains creates a disbalance and divides the world in separate groups? When according to

Ranciere (1988 p.13-14.) and Cantwell (2017) dividing in these different groups can create a

feeling of insecurity and not making decisions for yourself? In duration of the lessons we

gave at C.O.A. I realised that Im an organiser when I teach or make.

I believe, based on Bauman (cited by Al Jazeera. 2017) that we live in times where we are

not so certain of the future, this makes us fearful because we do not know what to expect.

This relates to Cantwell(2017) who thinks that, to deal with this fear, people try to grasp the

world by thinking in black and white identity frames. These frames are described with words,

these words can act upon people and give people the feeling that they should act according

to the words that are used to describe them (Butler, 2014). Even Though people are rather

black and grey instead of black and white (Greene cited by Cantwell. 2017). By showcasing

the diversity of people I also stretch the meaning of words to show that people are more

diverse than the words put on them. In my projects I try to show how grey people are by

telling the stories of people who feel in between identities or behavioural rules. I do this using

Narrative research (Kellner, 1999. Rogers 2012, p.1-17. Webster and Metronova, 2007) and

interactive interview methods. By showcasing the stories of people I try to claim a space for

14
them.conclude from the Ground Zero Cross (History 2013. Mears, 2014),Traumascapes

(Tumarkin, 2005, p.71-80.) and my experience making The Toilet Portraits that a lot of our

public spaces are designed in a way that they are most convenient to the most dominant

identity groups. To be able to serve different groups we separate them (Gielen, 2013, p.5-

6.). This means that in certain areas, like the toilet or ground zero, one group excludes the

other. This is a big problem for people who do not fall into the groups that certain day to day

spaces, like a public restroom, or emotional spaces, like Traumascapes (Tumarrin 2015) are

meant for. With art I try to create frameworks where everybody is welcome, like Arendt

(1999, p.7.) poetically describes, a table on which everybody can take a sit. People I work

with can fill in the caps of the framework with who they are and what they want to learn.

During the lessons we gave at C.O.A. I realised that motivating, students or participants in

projects, to make decisions for themselves, talk and reflect together can make them realise

that they can do much more than they thought. I believe this can take away their insecurities,

insecurities that they got because they were grouped into an identity box (Cantwell, 2017.

Ranciere,1988, p.13-14.). I think they were told that they could not do certain things on their

own, that they are part of a vulnerable group (United Nations News Centre, 2015. Butler,

2017. Spijkerboer, 2017). Relating to Ranciere (1988, p.13-14.) and The Hole in The Wall

experiment (Mitra & Rana, 2001, p.230-226) I think students can learn by experimenting and

reflecting in a group. Based on Ranciere (1988, p.6) I believe this way of learning can teach

them that they can make their own decisions instead of only following a teacher. From my

experience at C.O.A. I conclude that making your own decisions creates the ability to

discover what you want to do when you are not told what to do. I realise that learning what

you want to do enables you to be more than the black and white idea Cantwell (2017) states

imposes on you. I think that when you realise you do not have to follow the black and white

image that is expected from you, you can get peace with the grey areas in yourself and you

might not feel what Bauman (cited by Al Jazeera, 2017) describes as liquid fear. I believe

this way you can accept that it is okay to be something else than male or female, mourn

15
every way you feel or that you are more than a vulnerable group. Therefor I think teaching

and making art with people can create the freedom and space for the participants to

embrace their grey.

Reference list:
Arendt, H. (1999). The Human Condition; the second edition. Chicago: The university of
Chicago Press. p.7.
Bauman, Z. cited by Al Jazeera (2016). Zygmunt Bauman: Behind the world's 'crisis of
humanity'. Qatar: Aljazeera [online]. July, 3, 2016. Available at:
<http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/talktojazeera/2016/07/zygmunt-bauman-
world-crisis-humanity-160722085342260.html>
Butler, J. (2017). Bodies That Still Matter. Critical Theory in the Humanities: Resonances of
the work of Judith Butler [Conference]. April 7, 2017. Amsterdam: Vrije Universiteit.
Butler, J. (2014). TPP 2014 Judith Butler, when gesture becomes an event. Sorbonne:
SorbonneUniversity [Online]. October, 11, 2017. Available at:
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuAMRxSH--s&t=56s>
Cantwell, M. (2017). The hidden power of not always fitting in, Norwich: TedxNorwichED
[Online] .April, 3, 2017. Available at:
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnooCepNZv4>
Gielen, P. (2013). Consulting a Common Public Domain; Art in Less Democratic Times,
Moscow:Biennale of contemporary arts. p.5-6.
Greene, G. cited by Cantwell, M. (2017). The hidden power of not always fitting in, Norwich:
TedxNorwichED [Online]. April, 3, 2017. Available at:
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnooCepNZv4>
History. (2013) Remembering 9/11: The Ground Zero Cross. New York: History [Online]
September, 8, 2013. Available at:
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skff62oQlDg&t=62s>
Hook, J. (2011). Creative spaces for Qualitative Researching. Rotterdam: Sense Publisher
Kellner, D.(1999). Theorizing McDonaldization: A multi perspectivist approach. In B Smart
(Ed.)Resisting McDonaldization, London: Sage
Mears, B. (2014). Court Says Ground Zero Cross Can Stay, New York: CNN, [Online]. July
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 28 2018 available at:
<http://edition.cnn.com/2014/07/28/us/world-trade-center-cross/index.html>
Mitra, S. & Rana, V. (2001). Children of the Internet: Experiments with minimally invasive
education in India, London: British Journal of Education Technology. p. 221-232
Rancire, J. (1988). The Ignorant Schoolmaster, Five lessons for Intellectual Education
Emancipation : . Stanford: Stanford University Press. p.13-14 .
Rogers, M. (2012). Contextualizing theories and Practices of Bricolage Research, The
Qualitative Perort , p.1-17.
Spijkerboer, T. (2017). Gender, Sexuality, Asylum and European Human Rights, Critical
Theory in the Humanities: Resonances of the work of Judith Butler [Conference].
April
7, 2017. Amsterdam: Vrije Universiteit.
Tumarkin, M. (2005). Traumascapes, Melbourne: Melbourne University Press, p.71-80
United Nations News Centre. (2015). Rights of vulnerable groups must be focus of new
development agenda, Brussel: San Marino tells UN, United Nations [Online].
September, 27, 2013. Available at:
<http://www.un.org/apps/news/story.asp?NewsID=46095#.WVJxcelpzIU>
Verhoeven, D. ( 2017). Scratching where it hurts, Amsterdam: ISSUU, p.8
Webster, L. and Metronova, P. (2007). Using Narrative Inquiry as a Research method, p.1-4.

Appendix 1:

Verhoeven, D., (2016) [interview in person]. Amsterdam: Mozaek Theatre, 8 may 2016.

available at:<https://www.scribd.com/document/322997602/Untitled#fullscreen&from> (p.33-

39)

Summary of the interview: In this interview we focused on how Verhoeven uses scripted and

non-scripted elements. The sub questions were about how you can train non-professional

actors when using non-scripted elements, how Verhoeven views the role of his audience and

how his working process is formed. The outcome of this interview was that Verhoeven wants

to confront the audience because he feels like we have perfected our public spaces and

thereby it has became harder for us to accept that life is not perfect. To achieve this he is

looking for forms in which the audience is part of the theatre play, to make that happen he

can not script everything because this way the audience would be a viewer who has no

influence on what is happening. He feels the risks are beautiful because these make that the

artwork becomes a part of real life.

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18