The Office S03E03 The Coup

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JOSH: The Stamford branch is closing,
and everybody's just packing up their stuff.
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Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
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That's the other thing
you have to watch out... Yo, Tuna.
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I wanna talk to you about this new boss,
Michael Scott.
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Yeah?
So what's he like?
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Likes, dislikes, favorite sports,
favorite movies, favorite men's magazines.
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You know what?
I think you just need to meet him.
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Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it.
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Good luck over there, Tuna.
Cross me and I will destroy you.
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Sounds good, Andy.
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This is gonna be an adventure.
Yes, this is going to be very interesting.
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All right, I'm out of here.
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See you later?
Bro.
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Hey, is that Josh's computer?
What?
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PAM: Hey!
Hey!
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How'd the run go?
Pretty good. I finished.
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That's great.
Yes.
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Why is that great?
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Because he accomplished something.
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What was your mile time?
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About seven.
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I could beat that on a skateboard.
Well, that has wheels.
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Yeah, well, my feet don't,
and I can still crush that time.
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Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
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Let's just put it this way.
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Last weekend,
I outran a black pepper snake.
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Really?
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I am fast.
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To give you a reference point,
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I'm somewhere between
a snake and a mongoose.
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And a panther.
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Man, what is taking Toby so long?
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Oh, I'll just time him later.
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And you'll compare the times?
Yeah.
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Are you ready? Set, go!
No, my groin's really tight, I can't...
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Am I being mean to Dwight?
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I don't know.
I did just make him run around the building,
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and I have no intention of timing him.
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This isn't even a stopwatch.
It's a digital thermometer.
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He does make my life harder sometimes,
and on purpose.
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Like, he tried to put meters
on the bathroom stalls
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as a way of bringing in
more money for the company.
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Hey, three more laps to go!
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You gotta pick it up
if you're gonna beat Toby!
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(GRUNTING)
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I should probably get back to work.
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Here. Who's here?
Nametag?
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Yes, please.
Karen Filippelli.
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Karen...
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Karen a-Filippelli!
Probably Italian.
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Possibly Filipina.
Okay...
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My branch is absorbing
the Stamford branch.
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Or as I like to put it,
my family is doubling in size.
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And that's all
I'm gonna say about it,
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because I have a gigantic performance
ahead of me,
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and I have to get into my head and focus.
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Who's next?
That's Andy Bernard.
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Andy Bernard.
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If I were you...
St. Bernard.
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...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
What?
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...before noon...
I'm not...
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...to consolidate power.
I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
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No, no, not somebody. Gardner!
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The Japanese camp guards of World War II
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always chose one man to kill
whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived.
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I always wondered how they chose
the man who was to die.
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I think I would have been good
at choosing the person.
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Good morning!
Got the food, good!
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Looky, looky, looky. What I want you to do...
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Set it up in the conference room, please.
Make it look nice,
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as if you were trying to impress
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a much older man
who's way out of your league.
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Okay.
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Yes, I'm in a good mood today.
I'm excited to meet all of the new people
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and to see my old friend again, definitely.
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That's always a thing
that makes people happy,
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to have an old friend back.
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HANNAH: Hello?
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Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Our first arrival.
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Welcome to Scranton.
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This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr!
Hannah Smoterich-Barr!
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Welcome to our humble abode.
Follow me to your desk.
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Your ball-and-chain is right over here.
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You know, a lot of these people,
this is the only family they have.
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So, as far as I'm concerned,
this says, "World's Best Dad."
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There he is!
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Tony... What's your last name?
Gardner.
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Gardner! I knew that.
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There you go, gift bag for you. Okay!
Thanks.
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Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.
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Well, they're just for guests.
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If there are any left over,
you can buy one later.
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My bag's mostly pencils.
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Well, and coupons to various hot spots
around Scranton. All right!
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Let me show you to your area, sir.
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MICHAEL: Come on, big guy.
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Can I have your pencils?
No.
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Hi!
Hi.
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I'm Pam.
Karen. I love your sweater.
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Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me.
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Really? That's so cool.
I've always wanted to learn
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how to knit.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
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Take me to your leader.
Oh, wait, I am your leader.
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Wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
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I am actually your boss, Michael Scott.
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Hi.
Welcome.
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Wow, you are very exotic-Iooking.
Was your dad a GI, or...
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I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton
in six weeks.
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How?
Name repetition, personality mirroring,
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and never breaking off a handshake.
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I'm always thinking one step ahead,
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like a carpenter that makes stairs.
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ANDY: Hello.
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You must be Andy Bernard.
Aloha and welcome!
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And you must be Michael Scott.
Aloha and hello.
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Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom.
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We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
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Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me
to your little kingdom. Mike.
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Nifty!
They are nifty!
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They're nifty gifties.
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You know who I really like
is this guy Andy Bernard.
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He has got this very likeable way about him.
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...which is why they need a passing game.
Right?
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No way! Get him out of here.
We don't want any of this kind in here.
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Good to see you, man!
Wow, okay!
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How are you? Martin Nash, I presume?
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This is a little gift bag for you
free of charge.
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Follow me,
I will show you where all the slaves work.
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Not... So your desk is...
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Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Oh, my God, it's really you!
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I was just doing a little joke there
about how we'd never met.
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I know, I don't care.
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Awesome! Good to be back.
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The place looks really good.
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It's really good to see you.
You, too.
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Where do I stand with Pam?
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No idea. I mean, we're friends.
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Always have been friends.
That is where we stand.
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DWIGHT: Well, well, well.
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Look what the cat dragged in
from Stamford.
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Hey, Dwight.
Fact.
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I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
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Okay, sounds good.
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What are you doing?
I don't know what you're talking about.
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Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
No, you look good.
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Why are you looking at my forehead?
I'm not.
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Meet my eye line, Jim!
I am.
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Stop acting like an idiot!
Okay.
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Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Hey.
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How are you, man? Good to see you.
I'm good. How are you?
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So...
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Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now?
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Yeah.
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Unless you really, really want it back.
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You know, man, it's really your call.
Cool, thank you.
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Let me get that for you.
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Got it?
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This one taken? No? Good.
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Yeah, Jim is a nice guy.
That's why I got the desk.
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Michael Scott, thank you.
I appreciate it, Mike.
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MICHAEL: All right.
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Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced.
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Dwight Schrute,
Assistant Regional Manager.
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Andy Bernard,
Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
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So you'll be reporting to me, then.
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On the contrary.
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My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director.
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Which, on a film set,
is the highest title there is.
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Do you know anything about film?
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I know everything about film.
I've seen over 240 of them.
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Congratulations.
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Hey, Toby.
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Hey, Jim.
How are you, man?
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Oh, really good!
I just wanted to say hi.
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How are you? Hey, welcome back.
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Oh, is that, like, your new thing, or...
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No, I'm sorry, that's...
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No, that's cool.
No, it's nothing, we'll just...
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All right. Good to be back.
So...
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Okay.
All right.
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All right. Sorry about that.
No problem.
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It was...
What?
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Nothing.
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"I present the orientation video."
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We need to talk.
Not now.
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Which is higher,
Assistant Regional Manager,
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or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
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I told you the titles are irrelevant.
They just relate to pay scale.
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Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy?
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It is not a matter of more or less.
Your pay is just different, okay?
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All right! Showtime, part one.
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Okay, who reports to who?
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I don't care, Dwight!
You all report to me. That's all that matters!
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The rest of it just work out
amongst yourselves, okay?
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And then if I want...
Work it out amongst yourselves, please!
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I have a company to run.
Will you let me run the company?
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I... One...
Will you? Please?
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KELLY: Jim!
Kelly!
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Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Really?
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Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes,
they had a baby and they named it Suri,
201
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and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,
202
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they had a baby, too,
and they named it Shiloh.
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And both babies are amazing!
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Great. What's new with you?
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I just told you.
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Okay, everybody settled in? Good.
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00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:21,079
Why don't we all proceed
into the conference room,
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or should I say the banquet hall?
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For... Drum roll, please.
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(IMITATING DRUM ROLL)
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The official
212
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Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast.
Come on in!
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MICHAEL: Don't be shy.
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Hey, champagne.
No, no, guests only.
215
00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:47,670
Smoked salmon!
No, for the guests it is,
216
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,435
for you, consider it cow meat.
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Strictly taboo.
I eat beef.
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Well, then, consider it poisoned beef.
219
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It's no touchee.
220
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The beef is poisoned?
No, it's not beef! Just...
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Sit down, please. Welcome, help yourself.
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00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,647
You might want these orientation materials.
223
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,352
Wrong, Toby, this is an orientation,
not a bore-ientation.
224
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Okay, do not worry. All of your questions
are about to be answered.
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Cell phones and pagers off, please.
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Oh, this looks promising.
You won't be disappointed.
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MICHAEL: Let's face it, moving to a new job
can be very stressful,
228
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so I have made an orientation video
especially for you newcomers.
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00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:33,583
But it's not like any orientation video
that any of you have ever seen.
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It's funny.
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00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,890
It's got a little bit of a zing to it.
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And I hope that it gives you a flavor
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of what we're all about
here at Dunder Mifflin,
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and what we're all about here in Scranton.
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So let's just all laugh together.
And watch...
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(MICHAEL READING)
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Sittin' in my office
With a plate of grilled bacon
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Call my man Dwight
Just to see what was shakin'!
239
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Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty
240
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So check out how we live
In the Electric City!
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00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:05,416
They call it Scranton!
What?
242
00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:07,952
The Electric City! Scranton!
What?
243
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,350
The Electric City!
244
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:11,981
Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider!
245
00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:15,185
But check that it's covered
By your healthcare provider!
246
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:19,288
It reminds me of the orientation video
Michael showed on my first day,
247
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:21,629
The Scranton Witch Project.
248
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,600
I am so scared
249
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:26,968
when people don't label their personal food.
250
00:13:27,039 --> 00:13:29,473
You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em?
251
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:32,170
Well, check it out, yo
the Anthracite Museum
252
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,541
Plenty of space in the parkin' lot!
253
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,343
But the little cars go in the compact spot!
254
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,816
Spot! Spot! Spot!
255
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:43,582
Well, so far, I think it is killing.
256
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:46,250
I thought it would either be
an A or an A-plus,
257
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,817
but I completely forgot
that there is an A-plus-plus.
258
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:51,422
DWIGHT: What?
259
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,490
This is Karen Filippelli,
please leave a message.
260
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,969
Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
261
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,668
This is Karen Filippelli,
please leave a message.
262
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:09,806
Not bad.
But you are Italian, so try it more Italian.
263
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:16,211
This is Karen a-Filippelli,
please leave-a me the message.
264
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,085
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
265
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:20,148
You feel good? All right.
266
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,658
Karen Filippelli.
267
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,201
Hey, buddy.
268
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,629
Anything new to report?
269
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,368
Do you mean, to me from you?
270
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:39,602
'Cause that's how it works.
271
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:43,814
Sure thing, buddy.
272
00:14:48,153 --> 00:14:51,680
AND Y: Am I trying to get
under his skin? Yes.
273
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:55,318
Because the angrier he gets,
the more marginalized he becomes.
274
00:14:55,394 --> 00:15:00,263
Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there
laying on the charm.
275
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:03,764
Hey, Angela. Check this out.
276
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,239
It's my new screensaver.
277
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:10,370
Do you like it?
278
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:12,933
I do like it, actually.
Thank you.
279
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,338
You have such a pretty smile, by the way.
280
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,511
Thank you.
You're welcome.
281
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,616
Hey.
Hey.
282
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:27,318
What happened to grape soda?
283
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:30,089
Oh, yeah, I'm trying to move away from that.
284
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:33,126
Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
285
00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:36,395
You've changed so much.
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
286
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:41,130
So when do I get to hear everything?
Are you still getting unpacked, or...
287
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:44,403
You wanna grab a coffee
or something after work?
288
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:47,104
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Tonight, actually?
No, I'm just still getting settled, so...
289
00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:49,238
Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever.
Okay.
290
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:51,146
Okay.
291
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:55,978
Sorry to interrupt, I...
Nope, you're not interrupting anything.
292
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,823
Nope, I'm... Don't.
All right.
293
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:00,985
Okay.
All right.
294
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:05,260
I should probably get back to work.
295
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:08,996
Crack the whip. All right.
Yeah, I know, me, too.
296
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,965
The day's going fine.
It's been a little chaotic, but it's fine.
297
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:21,877
It's great. A lot of distractions, but it's good.
298
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:30,452
Take a picture, it'll last longer.
299
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:33,389
I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
300
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:35,359
Ditto that, my brother.
301
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:55,408
Look what's on his computer!
302
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,711
What is that, a squid's eye, or...
303
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,546
It's my left breast.
304
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,380
How did you...
Right place at the right time.
305
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:10,291
Oh, what's that smell?
What smell?
306
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:15,062
There must be an air freshener
plugged in somewhere.
307
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,499
It smells like a funeral home.
308
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,628
Oh, I'll help you find it.
309
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:25,371
You know what, never mind.
What is it?
310
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:29,079
I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
311
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,343
My perfume?
It's just my crazy nose.
312
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:35,717
I'm used to different smells.
313
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:40,216
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me
in metropolitan Orlando.
314
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:42,385
It's made from real pine.
315
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:44,088
Who's Bob Vance?
316
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:47,523
You've a lot to learn
about this town, sweetie.
317
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,996
I don't know who these new people
think they are.
318
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:55,665
I've sat downwind of Phyllis'
stinky perfumes for years.
319
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,633
Never said a word.
320
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:01,076
People hate people
that are different from them. That's natural.
321
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,580
But you know what makes people
forget their differences?
322
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:04,809
A great show.
323
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:08,148
That is why I created
the integration celebration.
324
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:09,515
This is the moment
325
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:12,523
when Scranton and Stamford
come together as one,
326
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:15,253
united in applause.
327
00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:19,594
I know a lot of you must be thinking,
328
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,030
"Wow, what a day.
329
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,967
"It feels more like a night at a party
than a day at work."
330
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,095
Well, in my opinion,
331
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:30,506
business should feel like a night out,
332
00:18:30,642 --> 00:18:33,577
a night at
333
00:18:36,915 --> 00:18:38,712
the Roxbury.
334
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,683
Okay, there's supposed to be music,
and it's...
335
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,314
I got it, I got it, Dwight! Just...
336
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,722
Do you have batteries in there?
Stupid...
337
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,484
(SCATTING)
338
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,322
What is love?
339
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,197
That's it! Yes, yes! Okay. Here we go.
340
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,293
Baby don't hurt me
341
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:01,168
Don't hurt me no more
342
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,264
Let it rock, baby!
343
00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:04,434
What is love? Baby don't hurt me
344
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:05,841
Here we go, here we go!
345
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:08,345
346
00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:09,505
(EXCLAIMING)
347
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:11,674
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
348
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,374
(BOTH SCATTING)
349
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,881
You and me! You and me!
Me and you! You and me!
350
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:20,624
You and me! You! You!
You! You! You and me! You! You!
351
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:23,160
Oh, my nose is so itchy.
Why is my nose so itchy?
352
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,753
Probably because of all the nose candy.
353
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:28,363
Okay.
354
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,668
I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
355
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,135
Very funny, Michael!
Okay.
356
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:34,798
Really funny, Michael!
All right, all right, all right, I'm on a roll.
357
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,966
Why are the new people on the table?
358
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:40,741
To show them that we are not above them.
359
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,771
Shouldn't we be equals?
360
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,942
Not today, no.
361
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:52,150
Tony! Please join your cohorts
on the table, if you would.
362
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,050
This is difficult for me.
363
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,255
Hey, I understand, we're all friends.
364
00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,595
No, I mean, I can't physically.
I can't get on the table.
365
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:02,998
Oh, well...
366
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:08,537
Just use the momentum of your lower half
to hoist yourself up.
367
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,269
Okay?
368
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,014
You know what? I'll help. I will help.
No, please.
369
00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:22,313
Don't...
Don't be shy. Dwight, let's do this.
370
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,649
Come on, we're doing this thing.
371
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,349
Ready? On three. One...
Let's get up.
372
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,949
Bend at the knees. Okay.
Here we go! Here we go!
373
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,859
I'm under this. I'm under this hock here.
374
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,730
I don't know what I'm grabbing here!
All right, all right! Stop!
375
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,097
Put me down!
But it feels good. Push it, push it!
376
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,001
I'm right in your crack!
No, put me down right now!
377
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,834
Don't give up! You got it, man!
Put me down right now!
378
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,136
I've had enough! Put me down right now!
You got it, you got it!
379
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:46,075
Wait, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Easy.
Hey, easy.
380
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:47,803
I'm sorry!
Don't...
381
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:51,508
It's just not going to work for me.
382
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:53,446
I have to go.
383
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:54,744
I don't understand.
384
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:57,345
I was on the fence about this,
385
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,652
and it's just not a good fit.
386
00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:02,717
Well, we'll squeeze you in!
I can't work here.
387
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:04,318
I have to quit.
388
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:12,727
You can't quit on the first day!
That's heresy, my friend!
389
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:17,402
Okay, let's talk about this. What happened?
I mean, what...
390
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,810
Was it Toby? Did he say something?
'Cause he's...
391
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:25,840
No, Toby was helpful. He was very kind.
392
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,718
It's just your management style.
393
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:33,716
My management style? So...
394
00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:38,754
Didn't you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
No.
395
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:41,298
Was it supposed to be funny?
396
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,731
Okay, well...
397
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:47,162
Don't bother quitting, because you're fired.
398
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:49,673
Excuse me?
You are fired!
399
00:21:49,741 --> 00:21:52,642
I'm sorry,
but we don't have quitters on this team!
400
00:21:52,711 --> 00:21:54,144
Just clean out your desk!
401
00:21:54,212 --> 00:21:56,180
But there's nothing
in my desk except coupons.
402
00:21:56,281 --> 00:22:00,115
Don't try to apologize to me, man.
It's too late! Just get out!
403
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,984
Take your bad vibes with you!
404
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,250
That was my advice.
405
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,121
Remember, I'm the one who suggested
that you fire him!
406
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:09,490
Probably the best advice
you ever gave me, Dwight.
407
00:22:09,561 --> 00:22:13,930
And what advice has Andy given
to you today that you have acted on?
408
00:22:14,566 --> 00:22:18,434
Would none be an accurate estimate?
None advice?
409
00:22:19,471 --> 00:22:20,836
Fire Andy.
410
00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:23,605
Fire Andy.
411
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:26,977
Dwight may have won the battle,
412
00:22:27,612 --> 00:22:31,207
but I will win the next battle.
413
00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:34,750
Tony was right.
This environment is dysfunctional.
414
00:22:34,820 --> 00:22:36,754
Well, maybe that's because
some people treat it
415
00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:38,585
like their own private Hooters strip club.
416
00:22:38,657 --> 00:22:42,855
Whoa, Angela, hold on.
Hooters is a restaurant
417
00:22:42,994 --> 00:22:44,894
with over 400 locations worldwide.
418
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:48,091
Back to work. We don't have to get along.
We just have to work together.
419
00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:50,134
No, we do have to get along.
420
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,727
Can't we all just get along?
421
00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:57,541
Or have we forgotten the words
of the Reverend King?
422
00:22:58,310 --> 00:22:59,902
The word "merger" comes
from the word "marriage"
423
00:22:59,978 --> 00:23:02,310
and that was what today was
supposed to be.
424
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:05,248
The loving union between people.
425
00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:10,414
Instead, it has become like
when my mom moved in with Jeff.
426
00:23:11,923 --> 00:23:15,222
And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
427
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:18,988
Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened!
428
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,157
Those guys from Vance Refrigeration,
429
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,962
they let the air out of our tires!
What?
430
00:23:23,034 --> 00:23:26,765
Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good!
Come on! Come on!
431
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:31,834
Does Bob Vance
work for Vance Refrigeration?
432
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,377
Does he ever.
433
00:23:39,918 --> 00:23:43,149
Man, they got us so bad.
We cannot let them get away with this!
434
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:47,758
We have got to pull together as one
and steal their refrigerators!
435
00:23:47,826 --> 00:23:49,350
Yeah!
Yeah?
436
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,793
I don't think we can do that.
437
00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:52,227
Go home, Toby. Just...
438
00:23:52,297 --> 00:23:55,061
Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
439
00:23:55,133 --> 00:23:59,832
Why? I will tell you why.
Because they saved the worst for me!
440
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,805
They put a hate note
under my windshield wiper.
441
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,705
Check this out, it's so hateful.
442
00:24:04,776 --> 00:24:06,437
"You guys suck!
443
00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:09,241
"You can never pull together as one
and revenge us!
444
00:24:09,314 --> 00:24:10,941
"That is why you suck!"
445
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:12,881
For crying out loud.
446
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,920
No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it!
447
00:24:15,987 --> 00:24:19,047
You are playing right into their hands.
This is just what they want you to do!
448
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:20,386
Don't, okay.
What is with this guy?
449
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,484
Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
450
00:24:26,264 --> 00:24:27,993
MICHAEL: This is egregious!
451
00:24:30,101 --> 00:24:31,762
This is egregious!
452
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:35,166
Trust me, it only gets worse.
453
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,967
Is he always like this?
Sometimes he brings more costumes.
454
00:24:39,044 --> 00:24:40,534
When do people work?
455
00:24:40,612 --> 00:24:43,342
We find little times during the day.
456
00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:45,076
How are we gonna get home?
457
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,745
Bob Vance has an air pump.
He said he'd fill all our tires up.
458
00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:51,220
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
459
00:24:52,624 --> 00:24:55,457
See that? Mission accomplished.
460
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:57,685
They're like a bunch of fourth graders.
461
00:24:57,762 --> 00:25:02,131
Sometimes what brings the kids together
is hating the lunch lady.
462
00:25:02,534 --> 00:25:04,559
Although, that'll change!
463
00:25:04,636 --> 00:25:08,197
Because by the end of the fourth grade,
the lunch lady
464
00:25:08,273 --> 00:25:11,436
was actually the person
I hung out with the most.
465
00:25:11,877 --> 00:25:13,902
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
466
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,911
Jell-O. Hi, Jan.
JAN: Michael!
467
00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:20,747
Did you fire Tony Gardner
when he was trying to quit?
468
00:25:20,819 --> 00:25:25,688
I did. Major personnel crisis averted.
Compliment accepted.
469
00:25:25,757 --> 00:25:29,659
Do you realize, Michael,
that we now have to pay him severance?
470
00:25:30,061 --> 00:25:31,085
Yes.
471
00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:33,024
You do?
472
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,492
But do you realize that
that was actually Dwight's idea?
473
00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:38,092
Bad advice from my number two.
474
00:25:38,169 --> 00:25:41,764
What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two.
475
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,034
What?
476
00:25:43,108 --> 00:25:45,076
He is the only one
who has worked with both groups.
477
00:25:45,143 --> 00:25:47,373
I sent you a memo about this.
478
00:25:48,513 --> 00:25:51,744
Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos.
479
00:25:53,318 --> 00:25:57,015
So, after a great deal of thought
and introspectivtion,
480
00:25:57,088 --> 00:26:00,615
I have decided to make
Jim my new number two.
481
00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:05,085
If he even wants it.
It doesn't come with a pay raise.
482
00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:07,063
No, it does, actually.
483
00:26:08,033 --> 00:26:10,228
So who will be your new number three?
484
00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:12,202
That I have not decided yet.
485
00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,738
Michael, I would just like to say
that you have handled
486
00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:18,139
this entire situation with great aplomb.
487
00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:21,110
Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks.
488
00:26:21,179 --> 00:26:23,545
And I have to say
that your leadership has brought...
489
00:26:23,615 --> 00:26:26,049
Shut it. Shut it. That's...
490
00:26:28,186 --> 00:26:29,517
Suck-up.
491
00:26:30,455 --> 00:26:32,184
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
492
00:26:34,993 --> 00:26:37,359
Hey, where you at, Filippelli?
493
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:41,763
KAREN: I'm at the grocery store buying
a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
494
00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:44,732
What's wrong,
you didn't have a good first day?
495
00:26:44,803 --> 00:26:46,168
Oh, my God!
496
00:26:46,404 --> 00:26:49,601
Hey, you wanna meet
at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
497
00:26:49,674 --> 00:26:52,199
Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I...
498
00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:55,276
Hey, you know what?
Can I give you a call right back?
499
00:26:55,347 --> 00:26:57,372
Yeah. Bye.
Okay, thanks.
500
00:26:58,483 --> 00:27:00,781
Hey.
Hey!
501
00:27:00,852 --> 00:27:02,911
I thought you had already left.
502
00:27:03,088 --> 00:27:07,184
No, I just had some other stuff I had to do.
503
00:27:07,258 --> 00:27:09,317
Good.
What's up?
504
00:27:09,394 --> 00:27:10,691
Oh, nothing, I just feel bad.
505
00:27:10,762 --> 00:27:13,060
I feel like things were a little weird today,
or something.
506
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,758
What do you mean?
507
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,962
I just think I should tell you
that I've sort of started seeing someone.
508
00:27:20,271 --> 00:27:21,499
And...
509
00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:24,804
That's totally cool.
You can do whatever you want.
510
00:27:26,378 --> 00:27:28,903
Okay, good.
511
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,676
We're friends. We'll always be friends.
512
00:27:32,851 --> 00:27:34,045
Right.
513
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:36,985
It's good to have you back.
514
00:27:37,055 --> 00:27:39,546
Yeah, good to be back.
515
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,366
Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot.
516
00:27:54,439 --> 00:27:55,838
What does it get, like,
four miles to the gallon?
517
00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:57,499
Try double that.
518
00:27:57,575 --> 00:28:00,442
Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle.
Please.
519
00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:04,208
Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet.
Luxurious yet rugged.
520
00:28:04,282 --> 00:28:05,306
Leave it to the Japanese.
521
00:28:05,383 --> 00:28:07,044
Xterra's not even a real word.
522
00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:09,814
Actually, it is, it's Latin for "earth."
523
00:28:09,888 --> 00:28:12,880
Oh, so you drive an X-earth?
Yeah, that makes sense.
524
00:28:13,058 --> 00:28:16,653
I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am
than an X-earth.
525
00:28:17,595 --> 00:28:18,960
Yeah, I bet you would.
526
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:22,090
Oh, by the way, 1985 called.
It wants its car back.
527
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:25,393
Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine,
'cause I drive an '87.
528
00:28:25,470 --> 00:28:26,732
Speaking of time machines?
529
00:28:26,805 --> 00:28:29,774
I just got back from the future,
and I went to your funeral, and guess what?
530
00:28:29,841 --> 00:28:31,240
Nobody came.
531
00:28:31,309 --> 00:28:35,803
Speaking of funerals,
why don't you go ahead and go die?
532
00:28:36,014 --> 00:28:40,212
That was a really well-constructed sentence.
533
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:44,788
You should be an English professor
at Cor-Not University.
534
00:28:45,156 --> 00:28:46,555
Idiot!
535
00:28:46,624 --> 00:28:49,058
If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
536
00:28:49,294 --> 00:28:50,727
If you were driving a Trans Am,
537
00:28:50,795 --> 00:28:53,889
you'd be the smartest idiot
in the whole world.
538
00:28:53,965 --> 00:28:56,126
(COUGHING) Idiot!
539
00:28:57,335 --> 00:28:58,962
(COUGHING) You're the idiot.
540
00:28:59,437 --> 00:29:00,836
(COUGHING) Nice comeback.
541
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:05,202
(COUGHING) I was making fun
of your comeback. That's why it worked.
542
00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:11,314
I totally got the best of that interchange.
543
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:12,781
(COUGHING)

The Office S03E03 The Coup

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