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I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons, nor will I insist that their house
colours indicate that they are “covered in bees”.

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate
Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit

project for Herbology”

4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch’s office is not appropriate.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.

9. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my

wand” in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw
the Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless
and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s
project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15. “Liften Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.

16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.

20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange

21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now
mine even if I yell “Owned!”

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

27. I am not a tribble Aimagus.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a
reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. The Ravenclaws are not “Mentals in training”.

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.

36. I will not change the password to the prefect’s bath to “Makes getting
clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as “Admiral Naismith”.

39. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” is only funny the
first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

42. “42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.’s.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not teach the first-years to sing “A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob On The
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have
said so already.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.

52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

53. I will not draw an “H” on Percy Weasley’s forehead.

54. My name is not Captain Subtext.

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not
resell their products as “Veela Pheremones”.

56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a “Big Black Sex Auror”.

57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

58. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

59. I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.

60. I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Draco
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result
would be.

62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled “Firewhiskey”.

63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or
drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor

Snape’s personal postbox.

67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff’s as “cannon fodder”.

68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school

71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will
not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can be only ONE!”.

73. I should not refer to DADA professors as “canaries in the coal mine”.

74. I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort.

75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the

76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And
I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”.

78. Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”.

79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.

80. I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.

81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and

82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It Does
DEATH!!” may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if
hot gay sex will occur.

85. Ravenclaw’s do not find a sign saying “The library is closed for and
indefinite time period” amusing in any sense.

86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install
one in any Muggle cars.

88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am
to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”.

92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my

hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”.

93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what

97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains
about Bilbo Baggins.

98. “OMGWTF” is not a spell.

99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made
him boss.

100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin
Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it
would be amusing.

103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take
bets on who will come out alive.

105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real

106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch

108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the
Whomping Willow.

109. I will not douse Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if
he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common

110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration

111. I will not yell “Believe it… or not!” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.

112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra

113. My name is not “The Dark Lord Happy-Pants” and I am not allowed to
sign my papers as such.

114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy

119. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of “Knights of the
Round Table” for the Christmas feast.

120. I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.

121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.

122. “Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse” is not an acceptable Quidditch


123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

125. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in

the charms corridor.

126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.

127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the

128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my
entrance into any classroom.
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

130. It is not necessary for me to yell “BAMF!” every time I Apparate.

131. I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to
patrol the hallways.

132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering
the hallways.

133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme
song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.

134. I will not teach the first years to play “The Penis Game” in the Great Hall
during dinner.

135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry’s
lips to get him to do what I want.

140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

142. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an
appropriate career choice.

143. I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard” when sent to the
Headmaster’s office.

144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

145. It is not necessary to yell “Burn!” everytime Snape takes points from

146. “Y’all check this-here shit out!” is not an appropriate way to announce
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have
the power!”

148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged
him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions.

150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me
any house points.

151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in.
152. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

153. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the
forbidden forest.

154. Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable.

155. Singing ‘pop goes the weasel’ when Professor Dumbledore is giving a
speech is not permitted.

156. I will not introduce Slytherins to ‘my pet dog Fluffy,’ no matter how
tempting it is.

157. Shouting ‘How COULD you betray me like that?’ whenever Snape
removes house points is forbidden.

158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the
teacher’s morning tea.

159. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his ‘happy place’

160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor
tower is ‘Petrificus Totalus’ and must be said with their wands pointed at

161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she’s lying.

162. I am not allowed to dress up like Neville’s grandmother when going to a

Halloween party in Snape’s dungeon.

163. The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and

acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every
test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.

164. A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin.
I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

165. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

166. I will not shave Mrs. Norris

167. The house elves are not there to do my homework

168. There is no bring a muggle to school day

169. I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree
ate a student

170. I must not throw Mrs Norris out windows

171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad

172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame
that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.

173. I must not throw Hermione’s Hogwarts: A History out the window and
then claim that it wanted freedom.

174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape’s desk with directions on
how to use it.

175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night
balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information
to sink through the skull and into the brain.

176. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair
advantage at the Equestrian competitions

177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer

178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t
prove a thing!”

179. A hug is not all Snape needs

180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor.
Neville has been looking all over for you.”

181. I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black.

182. Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil.

183. I will not introduce Peeves to IM.

184. I will not introduce Snape to IM.

185. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a

186. I will not introduce Peeves to a T.V.

187. I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.

188. I won't sign my homework as 'Snaperdoodle'

189. When answering questions in Snape's class, I won't finish my sentences

saying: 'dear Snaperdoodle'.

190. I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the
following question: Do you think Snape is evil?

191. I will not make a 'Too sexy for my shirt' slideshow full of Snape pictures
and show it during all of my classes.

192. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to
be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the

193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.

194. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.

195. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain

members of the faculty

196. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

197. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

198. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower

199. There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should


signing up for it every year.

200. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

201. I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch

202. I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling “We’re gonna Die”
each time Snape comes to a meal.

203. I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care for Magical

204. I will not tell first years that divination is their 5th sense

205. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in care for
magical creatures.

206. In the annual battle between death eaters and Hogwarts I will not sing
“99 death eaters alive in the war, 99 death eaters alive. You shoot a spell
they hit the ground. 98 deaths eaters alive in the war” as we fight.
207. Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.

208. I will not put black circles over Harry’s lenses and tell him he has gone
blind. No matter how funny it could get.

209. I will not sing “ebony and Ivory” whenever I see Dean and Seamus

210. I will not tell first years Fang is a hell hound.

211. I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme

wear a costume. Even if it may be vegetable day.

212. “Another one bites the dust” is not a song to sing during quidditch

213. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing
during first year sorting,

214. I will not tell students singing the fat Albert theme song is a way to gain
extra points on potions

215. I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'.

216. I will not laugh at Lupin’s 'time of the month'.

217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Veritiserium.
218. I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'.

219. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in

the charms corridor

220. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to

221. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been

assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

222. All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts

223. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each
other's names.

224. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school
observes daylight savings time.

225. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level

Potions classes.

226. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and
rebuilt inside Snape's classroom

227. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because
Hogwart's smartest student is in another house
228. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

229. I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals,
and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

230. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

231. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

232. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

233. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class

234. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door

235. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green

236. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable

237. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret"
whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

238. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it
isn't written anywhere.

239. Yelling BOO! at Professor Moody is not wise.

240. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's
hands together

241. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

242. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

243. When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the
Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"

244. "Ya'll check this crap out!" is not an aprropriate way to announce that I
am about to conduct an expirimental spell

245. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not
start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

246. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real

247. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the
Dark Lord.

248. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

249. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told...

250. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat
them as such.

251. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

252. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion
containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

253. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from
the Whomping Willow.

254. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto
the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

255. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets

256. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.

257. “Potter 6, Voldemort 0″, is not a valid T-shirt slogan

258. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!

259. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse

by replying, “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!”

260. Telling Umbridge cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.

261. I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.

262. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter
enters the room.

263. Putting fake spiders around Ron’s bed isn’t funny. Especially when he
tries to jump out of the window.

264. It probably isn’t smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

265. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it
will just end badly.

266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red.

267. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to
be pink and fluffy.

268. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depresents.

269. I will not make Snape an appointment with a muggle psychiatrist.

270. It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is
angry. Or ever.

271. After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the
long missing Weasley brother.

272. I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their
house colours for their first day of lessons.
273. A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'.

274. Selling memorabilia with photographs of the 'ferret incident' is not


275. There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day.

276. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.

277. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

278. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout Long
live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.

279. I will not replace Professor Snape’s pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

280. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

281. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

282. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth

283. Neville is not my valet.

284. There is no “open-mic night” at Hogwarts

285. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a “love note” from Ginny and vice

286. It is not a good idea to show the notes to Pansy Parkinson and Daphne

287. It is a horrible idea to introduce “colour war” to Hogwarts with Slytherin

as green, Hufflepuff as yellow, Gryffindor as red and Ravenclaw as blue.

288. On no circumstances can you introduce rabid fan girls to Harry potter.

289. You must not mix Ravenclaws with muggle geeks or Slytherins with
popular people that are muggles. Or Blair Waldorf.

290. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down
after class.

291. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a
pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it.

292. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink

rabbits and making the first years chase them.

293. I am not God.

294. Professor Dumbledore is not God.

295. Despite being near-omniscient, Professor McGonagall is not God.

296. Neither is Harry Potter.

297. I am not the founder of a new religion, in which Snape is the devil and
Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers to the light.

298. I cannot make the followers of Weasleyity have red hair and freckles.

299. The Thriller is not the school dance.

300. I may not borrow an extra wand and watch DRUMLINE too many times.
The results are too unpredictable, and Professor Flitwick would like his nose
back some day.

301. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized

302. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

303. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.