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Dialogue
(Scratching noises)"

Dialogue
GARK

Ooo,

Dialogue
GARK

I got an X right where I need

it!
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Dialogue
GARK

Come on double-X!
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Dialogue
MAX

(ANNOYED) Gark, Im trying to enjoy

a nice glass of food.
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Action Notes
<TAP! TAP! TAP!> Max looks up.

Dialogue
GARK

Ah haha!

Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

Ugh. Nelson. Boredom with wings.

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Dialogue
NELSON

Hey guys,

Dialogue
NELSON

The Kid told me hes

working on something big and I was
going to go see.
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Dialogue
NELSON

Want to come with

me?

Dialogue
GARK

No, we cant cause Max thinks

youre boring.
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Action Notes
Max clamps a hand over Garks mouth.

Dialogue
MAX

No no, silly Gark, you

misunderstand.
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Dialogue
MAX

Nelsons a dear,
dear, dear... acquaintance.
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Dialogue
MAX

But the
thing is, we cant because...
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Dialogue
MAX

Were planning a
heist!
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Dialogue
NELSON

Whoa! Tell me about it!

Dialogue
GARK

Yeah, me too--!
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Dialogue
(inaudible, drowned out by heroic music)
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Dialogue
(GUNSHOT NOISE)
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Dialogue
(music climaxes)

Dialogue
MAX

--so you see why coming with you is

impossible.
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Dialogue
MAX

Bye Nelson!
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Dialogue
GARK

Wow, Max! I didnt know we had all

that stuff planned! Tell me more!

Dialogue
MAX

Sit down, Gark. This is a teachable

moment.
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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

You see, that was all made up. We

call it lying.
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Dialogue
MAX

It makes problems go
away.
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Dialogue
MAX

And its even better than

truthing!
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Dialogue
GARK

Got it. Thanks Max.

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Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

Now where were we?

Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

Oh yeah, come on
Gark, find that double-x!

Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

You know
you can do it.

Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

Just focus, Gark,

focus--
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Dialogue
MAX

Gark, talking to yourself is the

sign of a malady known as, uh...
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Dialogue
MAX

uh...
silly-filis goof-topia.
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Dialogue
GARK

(WORRIED) It is?
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Dialogue
(BEAT)

Dialogue
GARK

Wait... is
that one of your lyings?

Dialogue
MAX

I solemnly swear on my presidential

medal of honor it is not.
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Dialogue
GARK

Well I wasnt talking to myself

anyway. I was talking to...
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Dialogue
GARK

erm, my
girlfriend!

Dialogue
MAX

Hahaha!
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Dialogue
MAX

Gark, if youre going to

lie, make it plausible.

Dialogue
GARK

Hahahahaha!
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Dialogue
GARK

As a matter of fact, I do have a

girlfriend, Max.
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Dialogue
GARK

She happens to be
invisible.

Dialogue
MAX

Oh, invisible is she? Well, tell me

about her!
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Dialogue
GARK

Her names ....

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Dialogue
GARK

...Arugula!

Dialogue
GARK

Shes from the

town of... (LOOKING AROUND ROOM)
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Dialogue
GARK
..
Thermostat!

Dialogue
MAX

Thermostat! Ooo, thats good!

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Dialogue
GARK

Im serious!

Dialogue
MAX

Yeah, now really push the lie. Get

creative!
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Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

Arugula is not
a lie. Shes real!
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Dialogue
GARK

Right, Arugula?
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Dialogue
GARK

Ha! Arugula
says shes totally real!
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Dialogue
(little clap)

Dialogue
MAX

Brilliant! Hi Arugula!
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Dialogue
GARK (TO ARUGULA)

Another knock-knock joke?

Dialogue
GARK

Wellll
mmm... okay!
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Dialogue
(BEAT)

Dialogue
GARK

Whos there?
(BEAT) Exploding potato who? (BEAT)
<HAHAHA> (BEAT) Whos there?
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Dialogue
GARK (CONTD)

Oh that looks good on you!

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Dialogue
GARK

Orange is definitely your

color.
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Dialogue
(Honking noises etc)

Dialogue
MAX
<PFFT> Oh come on... Now, thats
taking it a little far.
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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

Take a breath for air, would ya?!

Dialogue
MAX

(UNDER
HIS BREATH) You too, Arugula.
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Dialogue
GARK

Any refreshments? A glass of Venusian lava extract?

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Dialogue
(BEAT)

Dialogue
GARK

Of course not too sweet!

Silly goose, youre sweet enough
already!
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Dialogue
MAX

(QUIETLY) Uh, Arugula? (BEAT)

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Dialogue
MAX

<AHEM> (LOUDER) Arugula! Its me,

Gark your alien boyfriend. What you
said about Max earlier... Would you
mind repeating it?
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Dialogue
MAX (GARK IMPRESSION) (CONTD)

ARUGULA! Daffodil blossom?

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Dialogue
GARK

Max! Arugula! What are you doing?!

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Dialogue
MAX

Arrgh!! Good grief Gark!

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Dialogue
MAX

Were not doing

anything.
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Dialogue
MAX

I was just...erm, rehearsing a role. Im big into community

theatre. Thought you knew that.
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Dialogue
GARK

Well, I guess I believe you. Youre

hardly Arugulas type!
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Dialogue
MAX

And what is that supposed to mean?

Dialogue
GARK
Well, Max, youre pretty rough
around the edges.
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Dialogue
MAX

Thats a skin condition! And what

about you, Gark? Hm? Probably
playing up that oooh, Im all
exotic because Im from space!
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Dialogue
GARK

Max! She thinks Im

from Sweden!
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Dialogue
MAX

Hear that, Arugula? Hes been lying

to you! Hes from spaaace. Not a
refined Earth cat like myself.
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Dialogue
GARK

Um, is this what being refined

looks like?
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Dialogue
MAX

I make that look classy!

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Dialogue
GARK

(IGNORING THIS) Arugula, go put on

your best outfit! Im taking you on
a date!
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Dialogue
MAX

Baaaaahahahahaha! You! Taking a

lady like Rugy on a date! Oh,
thats rich.
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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

Oh I know, right?! (BEAT) Hm? You

want ME to come TOO? You sure?
(BEAT) Well dont BEG, Ill come!
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Dialogue
GARK

Fine. But only because she says

its okay.
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Dialogue
GARK

Oh youre so bad! Thats not a

wart, its his nose!
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Dialogue
MAX

Oh Rugy, I've never seen you look so beautiful

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Dialogue
MAX

(SCREAMS)
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Dialogue
THE KID

Welcome to The Gilded Feed Trough!

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Dialogue
(LOUD SLURPING NOISES)
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Dialogue
GARK

I thought you said you were

refined, Max--
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Dialogue
GARK

Lets get out of here, Arugula--

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Dialogue
MAX

Youre not going anywhere with her,

Gark!
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Dialogue
THE KID

Gentlemen, please! I run a

respectable trough here!
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Dialogue
MAX

Yeeeaaaaaargh!!
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Dialogue
MAX

(screaming dwindles)
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Dialogue
MAX

I think we may have taken this a

bit too far.

Dialogue
GARK

I think you're right

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Dialogue
MAX

(CHUCKLES) Got kinda carried away,

didnt we?

Dialogue
GARK

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

The question now is - what do we do

about poor Arugula?

Dialogue
GARK

Max! She doesnt exist!

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Dialogue
MAX

Oh I see your little game! Pretend

she doesnt exist so you can have
her all for yourself!
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Dialogue
MAX

Well I know what to do about it!

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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

Hey there, Nelson. Howd you like a

dinner partner?

Dialogue
NELSON

But you always grab all the food

off my plate.
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Dialogue
MAX

Not me, you ninny!

Dialogue
MAX

(POINTS TO OTHER
TABLE)

Her!
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Dialogue
GARK

(SOTTO) Max!

Dialogue
MAX
(TO NELSON) She says she thinks
youre cute.
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Dialogue
NELSON

Um... where is she?

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Dialogue
MAX

There! Right there! Come on,

Nelson, tell me you dont find her
pretty.
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Dialogue
NELSON

Oh y-yeah... Yeah, she is pretty.

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Dialogue
NELSON

But I dont think shed ever go for

me.

Dialogue
GARK

This is going to end badly.

Dialogue
MAX

(TO NELSON) Go for you?! She wants

to marry you!
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Dialogue
NELSON

She-- she does?! (GASPS)

Dialogue
GARK

Very badly.
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Dialogue
NELSON

She-- she does?! (GASPS)

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Dialogue
NELSON

Im going
to be married!!
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Dialogue
MAX

Congratulations to you both!

Dialogue
GARK

Very very badly.

Dialogue
(WEDDING MARCH)
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Dialogue
NELSON

It looks like Arugulas whole

family came!
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Dialogue
(cough)

Dialogue
NELSON (CONTD)

This is the most magicalest day of

my entire whole complete life!
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Dialogue
GARK

(sigh)
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Dialogue
MAX

Whats wrong, Gark?

Dialogue
MAX

-- Oh look, its
starting!
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Dialogue
(PIGEONS BLARE VUVUZELA WEDDING MARCH)
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Dialogue
NELSON

Where... where is she?

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Dialogue
MAX

(sighs)
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Dialogue
MAX

Well, um... I... I...

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Dialogue
MAX

I, erm, I may have been wrong. You

know, bout her being... real.

Dialogue
MAX

I, erm, I may have been wrong. You

know, bout her being... real.
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Dialogue
CROWD

>GASP<
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Action Notes
Anton begins to awkwardly shuffle offstage
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Dialogue
NELSON

You mean....

Dialogue
NELSON (CONTD)

She doesnt even want to marry me

after all?!
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Dialogue
NELSON

(Wails)
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Dialogue
MAX

I have an idea.
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Dialogue
MAX

Follow my lead.

Dialogue
GARK

Isnt that what got us here--WAAAA!

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Dialogue
THE KID

Its okay, pal. Youve still got

me.
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Dialogue
MAX

Nelson!

Dialogue
MAX

Nelson! Its a note from Arugula!

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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

Erm, maybe Id better read it.

Dialogue
MAX

(clears throat)

Dialogue
MAX

(READING) My dear beloved Nelson,

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Dialogue
MAX

it is with heavy heart that I must

tell you I suffer from silly-filis
goof-topia.
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Dialogue
GARK

(GASPS) Not silly-filis goof-topia!

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Dialogue
MAX

Mm-hmm

Dialogue
MAX

Nothing more can be done.

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Dialogue
MAX

Not even the great Max could save me,

though his efforts were nothing
short of heroic--
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Dialogue
GARK

(READING) So as you see, it could

never have been. Still, dear
Nelson, I will carry you in my
heart forever.
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Dialogue
GARK

(SINGING) AND
IIIII, WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOO--
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Dialogue
NELSON

(SIGHS) She was so young.

Dialogue
GARK

Yes... only ninety-two thousand.

Dialogue
MAX

Yes..
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Dialogue
MAX

But, as the note clearly says, she

loved you. So no reason to be sad.

Dialogue
MAX

and dont be angry with anyone.

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Dialogue
MAX

Especially me.
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Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

We are gathered to celebrate the

life of Arugula.

Dialogue
MAX (CONTD)

We will all miss her. She always

spoke her mind,
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Dialogue
MAX
cont'd OFF

was transparent
with her emotions...
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Dialogue
MAX

Nelson,
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Dialogue
MAX

Nelson, you will always carry this

sadness with you--

Dialogue
NELSON

DOUBLE X! WINNER!
THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
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Dialogue
MAX

That made all my guilt go away.

Dialogue
MAX

(TO GARK)

Gark, dont lie anymore.

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Dialogue
GARK

Okay. (BEAT) What now?

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Dialogue
MAX

Shh Gark, I'm 'mourning.'

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