"Mea culpa. I apologize on my behalf.

The words can't express how remorseful I am about my

reactions to my mental illness. I am sorry. I have lost a lot more than my dignity and respect. I

have lost a lot of forgoing perspective into my life. I've lost everything.

I decided to include the statement the shooter read at his sentencing because I noticed

two things in the defenses argument and in his statement. First, I felt the defense

offered a perfect argument about his mental illness but it was perfect for something

other than their intention. During the hearing the defense attorney spoke about the

difficulties of dealing with schizophrenia, about how medication may work for a while

and then stop working, about how it is a life long struggle, about the difficult side

effects of the medication, and about how hard the defendant had worked. I feel these

points form a perfect argument for why he should never get out of the state hospital.

After all he has already shown that he can hold a grudge for 18 years and that Deer

Creek Middle School is the nexus of things that he believes are controlling his life. If the

medication that controls his psychosis is so uncertain with so many side effects and if

the disease is so difficult to deal with then the decision to walk among us should not be

up to a person who is already proven violent when not medicated and make no mistake

since he is in charge of taking his medication the ultimate decision rests with

him. Second, I noticed that less than 40% of the defendant's statement

mentioned how sorry he was and the rest was about how much he had lost,

about how hard it was for him. I have a suggestion for him to work on in the

state hospital. I would like for him to learn that it isn't all about him. I hope
someday he grasps the enormity of what he did. No, strike that, I hope he

grasps a portion of what he did. If he understands it completely he won't

want to live and I do not wish that on anyone. If he is truly sorry he will never

ask to be released. We will see. Right now I believe he thinks this is still about

him. I don't think he has the least appreciation for what he did to my kids.

So it comes down to this, is the shooter beyond God's love? Have the actions of a

diseased mind with all of the devastating consequences for my students severed him

from God? Is a person who deliberately took the innocence of over 500 children and

faculty doomed and damned? The act was evil but what about after? The bible, both old

and new testament is full of murderers and thieves, evil and good, diseased and whole.

That is a foundation of numerous criticisms of Christianity particularly from atheists.

How, they say, can you worship a god [their small 'g'] who would let things like this

happen? Those things are written in the bible because it is real. They were needed,

particularly in the genealogy of Jesus, to show that he was fully human and to show

that even murderers and thieves can be recipients of God's love. But God's love and

unconditional love are not the same. In fact it seems to me that God has three very

specific conditions for his love. First, is acceptance. Second, repentance. Third is

restitution. In the parlance of Pa Grape of Veggie Tales, Ya gotta love God, be truly

sorry, and make it right. The shooter may love God and maybe in the future he can be

truly sorry even though his statement at the trial shows he wasn't there yet but how is

he ever going to make it right?

Finally in my view Reagans and Matt's moms should be very proud of their children.

Reagan and Matt have shown that the shooter failed utterly. He killed no one and

instead of making us victims or killing our spirit at Deer Creek he caused us to be

stronger. The events of the shooting allowed us, no forced us, to experience a renewal;

renewal of interest, renewal of spirit, and a renewal of passion for life. We are going to

have the best lives possible because living well is the best revenge. Buzzer beater, we

win.