Running head: WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has
also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for
choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Samantha! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay
Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your draft begins with a good definition of what passion is, Samantha. This is good
because your readers will be introduced to the main point of your essay. Good job! Here’s
a great excerpt from your introduction:

The definition of passion in a subject or object is that you are strongly interested
in and enjoy that subject or object (Cambridge, 2017).

Main Idea/Thesis
Your thesis statement is too rough. This is a problem because it disrupts the reader’s flow
and understanding of your essay. I’ll be quoting an excerpt from your draft:

With that being said, it has always been in my vision to one day prove that
statement wrong. Working with children who have gone through sever trauma
and/or grief. . . .teen suicide, crisis response, family intervention, and learning
and utilizing wrap around programs.

The points that should be found in a single thesis statement are scattered across different
sentences. It is better to create a single thesis statement that contains these points. What
is your main idea? What are the points that will be discussed in the body of your paper?
Create a single statement that contains the aforementioned points.

For example, a good thesis statement for a paper on how the Catholic Church influenced
the labor movement is:

The Catholic Church, by means of the pulpit and the purse, greatly influenced the
labor movement in the United States during the final decades of the nineteenth
century.

This thesis statement signals to your readers that the body of the paper will discuss how
exactly the church influenced the labor movement through the pulpit and the
purse. Your readers will also expect these topics to be discussed in the same order they
are presented. Make sure that your thesis is placed at the end of your introduction. You
may use this information to aid you in the creation of a thesis statement. You may also
refer to the lesson on Developing a Thesis in your Writer’s Handbook.

* 9464240 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:

Your draft contains points that are underdeveloped, Samantha. A well-developed paragraph
leaves the reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete. One good way
to develop ideas is through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how that
point relates to your thesis.

P: Make a point: There has been a pull towards psychology for early on in my
high school education when a teacher inspired me to take my own path and
taught me the basics of sociology and psychology.
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 2

I: Illustrate the point: How exactly were you pulled into pursuing a career in
psychology?

E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

* 9464240 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Some of your sentences are missing commas. Using commas to separate words and ideas is
important because it allows your readers to have a smooth reading experience. Failure to use
commas when needed can cause confusion. Take a look at this excerpt from your draft:

Eventually this will lead into a doctoral program.

Words, phrases, and clauses placed before the main clause of a sentence are known as
introductory elements. Most often, these introductory elements tell when, where, why, or how
the action occurred. A comma shows readers that the introductory element has ended and the
main sentence follows. So you may understand the revision need better, I have created a
parallel example below:

Finally, the rebels surrendered after months of violent protests.

Please check your draft for similar errors. You may read more about Commas in your
Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

Summary of Next Steps:

 Create a concise thesis statement.

 Explain your points well.
 Separate introductory elements from the main sentence by using commas.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the
revision process. Have a good day, Samantha! – Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking
Writer's Handbook.

___________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 3

What Would My Vision Be Without Pscyhology?

Samantha D Hodge-Tracy

Capella University
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 4

Abstract

In this paper you will find my views on my own vision. I have included a brief explanation of that

McClintock’s Model looks like and how it applies to my vision. I have also included a brief

synopsis of what I view Capella’s Learning Model to represent in my future vision of my career

and scholarly endeavors. You will find my goals, including my largest goal of owning my own

practice with my sister, to my smallest goal of completing this class with an A. In conclusion you

will have learned a small amount of the person I am, and how important my next steps in life are

to me.
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 5

What Would My Vision Be Without Psychology?

Introduction

The definition of passion in a subject or object is that you are strongly interested

in and enjoy that subject or object (Cambridge, 2017). This is how I define my passion

for psychology in a whole sense. There has been a pull towards psychology for early on

in my high school education when a teacher inspired me to take my own path and taught

me the basics of sociology and psychology. My biggest passion in psychology is child

psychology, and a child and adolescent development. I have worked in many different

fields in the mental health area, which is where I came to find my love for working with

children and their families.

I have many more interests in psychology. In my case though it boils down to

working with families and children. I have always been drawn to working with children.

My belief is that children are more resilient then we give credit for. In my community a

lot of adolescents, once labeled as “damaged” are no longer seen as someone who will

integrate into society and be prosperous. With that being said, it has always been in my

vision to one day prove that statement wrong. Working with children who have gone

through sever trauma and/or grief, is also a passion of mine. Many parents do not

understand the grieving that children can go through and need to learn new skills to

address trauma and grief with their children. My interests in working with children go as

far as working with teens, to working with small children, working in violence and

violence protection areas, teen suicide, crisis response, family intervention, and learning

and utilizing wrap around programs.

Role as a Practitioner-Scholar
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 6

McClintock’s scholar-practitioner model to me is the use of research and your

own knowledge gained either from research or previous knowledge to apply to my own

research, future studies, and scholarly endeavors. In McClintock’s scholar-practitioner

model he reiterates the use of ethics and the values you hold close (McClintock, 2017).

[What exactly is this model? What does it say about using ethics and values?

Illustrate an example in order to prove your point. Make sure that you are able to

relate this point to the thesis.] The scholar-practitioner will use the knowledge that they

have learned to be effective in reaching and teaching others in their field, as well as

continuing to learn to always gain more knowledge as it changes. The biggest thing I

have learned from McClintock’s model is that you have to use collaboration and

relational learning within your own learning and place of employment and even in your

scholarly endeavors.

As a masters level practitioner-scholar model in psychology I will use the model

to strengthen and support my future studies and my future employment. [This sentence

contains an introductory element that isn’t separated from the main sentence. Use

commas to separate them from each other. (e.g. As a mother, she is tasked to protect

and nurture her children.)] Developing new skills and reaching the goals you set for

your self will be one of the most challenging roads you will travel in your academic and

employment career. With the Capella practitioner-scholar model it gives you the ability to

develop new strategies to continue to develop new systems and many new strategies to

continue your education and employment.

As a masters student using the practitioner-scholar model there are steps put in

place for you. It is greatly like a diagram, and is easy to follow along and learn. The steps
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 7

are acquiring information, process information, evaluate new strategies or approaches,

and apply and monitor new strategies or approaches to the discipline you are studying

(Capella, 2016).

Vision

Everyone envisions what they want their life to look like at some point. It is much

like a young girl dreaming of her perfect wedding, or a boy dreaming of the sparkly new

red bike. My vision or dream for my life consists of the ability to one day help others the

way I was never able to receive help. After I have completed school my hope would be to

get my license in order to work therapeutically with children, while involving a

wraparound model in which will enable to whole family to grow together.

I currently work in an atmosphere that embodies the wraparound theory, which is

a program that is centered on children and family. Wraparound is an individualized plan

of care to meet the needs of family and children by using their strengths (MDDHS,

2017). This is how I view my vision, I want to imply the wraparound model and continue

with my work in community mental health. It is my dream to someday open my own

practice with my sister who is already a therapist. I am not so much into research, as I

want to be always expanding my knowledge through scholarly research.

Goals

I have set up many small goals for myself through to accomplish one large goal.

My ultimate goal is to someday open my own practice with my sister, and help children

and families create a balanced family. In order to obtain this ultimate goal of mine I have
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 8

to break my goals into smaller bites. My first goal is to complete my first class, as a new

master learner and student at Capella University. To extend this goal, I want to keep a 4.0

at all times throughout my studies. On this path, I need to graduate with my master’s

degree. Eventually this will lead into a doctoral program. [Do you intend to pursue a

doctorate degree? Let your readers know why you mentioned this and if this is part

of your goals.] My goal is to continue to work with the company I am currently with and

move up in position, in order to gain as much knowledge I can from my current

employment. Personal goals are also thrown in, like being the best mom I can be, taking

my kids of vacation, and buying a house.

Conclusion

In the end of all of this, there are too many benefits to achieving my future career

and becoming a practitioner scholar in my field. The biggest benefit in my eye is to be

able to achieve success. Success is many different things for me. To be successful in

completing my academic goals, to know that I did it on my own and that my family has

supported me throughout my journey is a big accomplishment to me. Completing my

vision ultimately means I can continue to do the work I love the most, helping people in

their time of need.

This goal of mine is not a game. I am willing to sacrifice many things in my life

to obtain my goal. With every great accomplishment there was likely some form of

sacrifice along the way. Putting my scholarly career and my employment ahead of much

of anything else in my life is how I accomplish this. The only other thing that is as

important are my children, and they are a big part of the reason I am continuing my
WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 9

education and the work I do. If I didn’t have psychology and a way to continue to study

and apply it to my work place, I am not sure where I would be.

WHAT WOULD MY VISION BE WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGY 10

References

Learning Model Quick Reference and Examples. (2016).

https://courseroomc.capella.edu/bbcswebdav/institution/PSY/PSY5005/170100/Course_F

iles/cf_learning_model_quick_reference_and_examples.pdf

McClintock, C. (2017) Scholar Practitioner Model.

http://dx.doi.org.library.capella.edu/10.4135/9781412950596.n134

Passion: Definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary. (2017). Retrieved January 26,

2017, from http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/passion

You are here, MDHHS Keeping Michigan Healthy Behavioral Health & Developmental

Disability Mental Health. (2017). Retrieved January 26, 2017, from

http://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-71550_2941_4868_7145-14676--,00.html