36 Hours in Caracas Caracas Chronicle…

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36 Hours in
Caracas
Wondering how to spend your time in
Caracas when you’re not busy definitely-not-
negotiating-with-a-sanctioned-kingpin?
We’ve got you covered.

By Corino Tapital - November 13, 2017 2

Visitors to Caracas are often
surprised by how much sweeter the
rum tastes when the money you pay
for it is hilariously devalued. It takes
Ph.D level math to work out the four
different exchange rates but the long-
and-the-short of it is, a glass will cost
you what you tipped your Uber driver
to JFK.

Look, it’s not like we need to give you

money-saving tips while you’re here —
God knows you’ve made a killing off of
this government so far. Still, a
bargain’s a bargain: a baggie of
cocaine will set you back VEF 250
thousand ($5 at the parallel market).
And for the best pairing, try savoring it
together with one for the contestants
from last week’s Miss Venezuela. You
may well make your second best trade
this trip.

If you want the best local flavors,

however, skip the rum and go straight
for the dumpsters. Here’s your chance
to get up close and personal with the
charming poverty straight out of a late-
night “adopt-a-child” infomercial. Take
this unique opportunity to fraternize
with the locals: Venezuelans are known
for their friendliness and warmth, and
crisis has a way of bringing out some
truly amusing behavior. Witness first-
hand the local sense of humor, while
you laugh about what a big joke this
economy is, and how you get to go
back home in a few hours while they
remain here until they die. If
interaction makes you feel uneasy, fear
not: most of the people around are
harmless, they probably haven’t eaten
in a few days and are too weak from
hunger. Always keep in mind that you
are a visitor in this strange and
magical land. Be respectful: don’t give
any food to the kids begging on the
street. You’d just be enabling this
unwanted behavior, and disrupting the
local culture.

Much like the rest of the country,

Caracas is lawless, which means that if
locals really start to annoy you with
stories about how it’s your fault they
have no medicine, you can always have
them jailed or taken care of, provided
you have the right regime connections
(wink, wink!).
But as always, you won’t manage to do
anything that escapes politics in
Venezuela. Earlier this year, when
government security forces threw
protesters in dungeons and tortured
them, opposition critics launched the
hashtag
#MaduroDictadorVioladordeDerechosH
umanos
[#MaduroDictatorViolatesHumanRights
]. So, just to play it safe, ask the off-
duty cop bodyguard driving you around
in an armored vehicle to be discrete
with the evidence.

Do remember that Caracas is the most

violent city in the world. But there are
always safe areas: We at Corino
particularly enjoy the lobster dinners at
Enchufée, a classic french bistro where
we take turns making the waiters
convert their wages from bolivars into
dollars and then tell them how long it
takes us to earn the same. Sometimes
they cry, but they know it’s all just
good fun. For a more down to earth
experience, our team will take you to
the arepera in an undisclosed location
where artisanal cheese is made by
malnourished kids who ran out of food
long ago because the government
stopped importing it, to pay for your
bonds and our lobster dinners at
Enchufée. It really is adorable how tiny
the children can get when they’re not
fed enough, like Bonsai trees or Teacup
pigs.

Your flights home won’t be until late

Tuesday, so after your meeting in
el Palacio Blanco, where our business
partners government officials will have
hosted you, do go to the Central Bank
to look at their art collection (don’t ask
how much the artwork is worth for
future asset seizure, we’ll take care of
that later). Or take a stroll down the
Petare roundabout, so you can see the
desperation in people’s eyes as they
enquire about the price of essential
goods from a safe distance, and
calculate in real time if they can afford
them. They likely can’t; they’ll go
home with their bags empty, and their
souls crushed. You’ll go home having
seen up close the effects of monetizing
the deficit, and the perils of the
government capture of a Central Bank.
It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to
witness market forces at play and the
dangers of socialism, and totally makes
for great cocktail stories once you’re
back in NYC.

Once you’re done definitely-not-

negotiating-with-an-OFAC-named-
drug-kingpin, head over to Maiquetia
airport to see real-life families being
ripped apart; witness as a generation
leaves the country with what they can
hold on their back so that they can
have any hope of earning just enough
to help their families fight off famine.
Or go to the Aeropuerto Caracas, a site
of pilgrimage for those looking to run
off, away from the prying eye of the
impoverished. Just be careful not to
take any packages from strangers, a
good friend’s nephews just got into
some major trouble for failing to take
up this advice.

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Previous article

A Meeting About
Nothing

Corino Tapital
Specialized in emerging debt high-yield
investments and extreme tourism in the
tropics. Redefining conflict of interest
everyday.

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2 COMMENTS

Abe
November 13, 2017 at 7:03 pm

Jajajaj hahah FR are you in

town?
Reply

Robert Nasser
November 13, 2017 at 7:25 pm

Can’t stop laughing, and crying,

as I read this!
Reply
Leave a Reply

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