Hammond 1

Siena Hammond

Mrs. McNett

English 1010

26 September 2017

Why I Write Rough Draft

The complications behind emotions, every word that pops in my head I write to release

the aches and pains that are building up inside me like one of your school science fair volcano

projects that you would make as a kid with baking powder and vinegar, waiting in excitement for

it to erupt. I am that reaction waiting to go off. Minus the excitement. To avoid causing damage

or bringing trouble upon others, I release the emotions that I may gather after a rather stressful

day through sporadic typing that helps calm my aching soul. I write to understand why I feel the

ways that I do and how I can prevent such feelings from occurring or how to change that emotion

into something else if it ever becomes present again. Words on paper or typed electronically,

each serve an overall purpose, for me to get a better understanding of myself, release the

emotions that have been building up, and letting go of things that do not need to be scanned over.

I am much like a coder scanning for an error in a line of code trying to find out where things

went wrong, when the only mistake made was a missed period at the end of a forgotten line.

When writing I consider my arbitrary words as a form of poetry. It may not have any formality to

it and it might not have a base structure, but I identify this writing as free verse poetry. It has no

boundaries, it follows no rhythm or limitations and it is not suck on a meter. I am able to

artistically express myself and I am able to understand the concept and ideas behind my writing

and that is why I classify my writing as poetry.

 Hammond 2

In your typical ninth grade english class you complete a lot of assignments which consist

of reading and writing. But a specific assignment caught my eye and has stayed with me to this

day. The assignment was to write poetry, anything we wanted to write about as long as it

followed a specific set of guidelines. Such as painting a picture and rhyming lines together. This

first poem I wrote sparked a fiasco of writing that would release my emotions just like how a

bubble releases air when popped.

When I reflect back on this first piece, I remember a small child. Weak and afraid of the

judgemental world that stood before me every time I would leave my house. “I had a bubble, my

happy place” it was an escape from reality and a safety zone for me (Artifact one). This zone was

impacted by my peers and family, representing my soul it begun to shrink over time from the

comments that I would receive. “You are too happy’, they would say to my face” and after time I

felt like I was a disgrace, so “my bubble grew smaller, and so did my time”, my time for being

happy had begun to shrink, the true happiness that I was once feeling was weakening and fading

(Artifact one). Remembering all of the emotions I was able to release through this writing was a

substantial amount. Through the writing of “Bubble” I was able to get a better understanding of

myself and how I functioned as a person. “A flame started to show” when my bubble vanished

and this flame replaced it, containing all of the anger and frustration I was beginning to feel at a

young age and my safe zone had disappeared (Artifact one). But after writing about my

misfortunes and brainstorming different ideas, that was when I begun to understand that “my

vision was just hazy [and when I would hide back in my bubble with no more anger or

frustration, just thinking] my mind became clear” like the sky after a storm (Artifact one).
 Hammond 3

Something had clicked in my mind then and that is when the realization had settled in

that through writing I am able to defog my clouded mind and see things from a clearer

perspective. I can gain an understanding of what causes such emotions to arise and how I can

release them, go back and read them, and understand the origin of them, to set a reminder for

myself as to how I got them. A painting of words is what I create and it is appealing to me. There

can be no painting without emotion, which is all I create. And with these paintings, I am able to

release myself and develop a better self.

“Why am I like this? I want to be alone but I don’t want to feel alone[,]” a way that I feel

all too often. “Out” was written out of frustration and anger and loneliness. I had been frustrated

with a friend earlier because of an action that they had decided to take which could have been

avoided if they had asked if it was ok. I had wanted to be alone with my close friends without

outsiders I had never met before. Suppressed is what I first begun to these emotions that were

taking form and building up inside of me, and throughout the day I had an overwhelming

depressed feeling hanging over my head and at first I didn’t realize where this feeling was

coming from. I had later decided to write about how I was feeling in a very unorthodox manner

of writing and that is when I had discovered where my emotions were feeding from. Looking

back at “Out” (see artifact two) I understand that it “makes sense to me [with my] stylistic [sense

of writing, and that it can be confusing to others]” (Artifact two).

I had posted “Out” to a group of friends on an app called “Discord”. The purpose of this

was to inform my friends that I would not be present in the chat for a few days because I had

needed some time to think to myself. They understood and knew what to do to help me during

this time of self confusion and frustration. There are few occasions where I want to get a
 Hammond 4

message across or am asking for help when I publish my work to anyone but myself, and this

was one of them.

On occasion I’ll be listening to music, paying attention to the lyrics that wrap around my

soul like bandages wrapped around a mummy. Songs can evoke emotions that I have been

repressing and can bring them to the surface, or they can help clear my mind so that I see it as a

cleared canvas. It can calm me and makes me feel so light that the depths that I was once

residing in are no more and I am floating on top of it all (Artifact three). During this occasion I

was feeling a wide variety of negative emotions and they were washed away from the music that

I was listening to and I was able to clear my mind and relax, and I had wanted to document how I

had felt before and afterwards so that in the future I had a way to sustain a calm and relaxing

feeling.

I write to release all of the unwanted emotions that fill me at times. I wash them away

like how I wash the dirt from off my car so that it is clean once more until another storm. I write

to gain an understanding of myself and the origin of the emotions that take place within me. I

write to get a better understanding of myself and to heal my open wounds. I write because it

helps me when I am in dark places that need a light. This is why I write.
 Hammond 5

Artifact one “Bubble”

I had a bubble, my happy place.

“You are too happy”, they would say to my face.
My bubble grew smaller, and so did my time.
I was so happy, and yes I did shine.
Until people threw rocks that came at my face.
I had never felt this unsafe.
To cover my pain I would go and hide.
And while I hid I cried.
As I hid a flame started to show.
At first it was small but then it would grow.
As life became scary,
I wish I had a fairy.
To show me that there was still good,
And that I could come out from where I hid.
My life was a mess and yet still is crazy,
But I found out that my vision was just hazy.
As I hid my mind became clear,
Then I could finally face my fear.
I did in fact defeat this beast,
But it did not end with a feast.
My flame had finally begun to die,
And my bubble was waiting for me to go back inside.
 Hammond 6

Artifact two “Out”

Why am I like this?

I want to be alone but I don’t want to feel alone
I don’t want to be around people but I want to make a connection
Random
Jumbles
Of
Words
Can you make anything of it?
It’s bad
But I’m fine
I’ll get through it like everything else
Like plants growing
Surviving through storms
And becoming stronger
Can I become stronger?
Maybe
Ask
Just ask
Annoyed
Confused
Conflicted
Why?
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Because I want to be
Alone
Left alone
To myself
To think
To ponder
To cry?
No help
This is on my mind
Randomness
Makes sense
 Hammond 7

To me
Stylistic
Paint with words
My words
Alone
Good bye
For a little
I’ll be back
I feel
Bad
Guilty
Numb
Everything
No control
I’m ok
Honest
But I don’t want to ghost
So this is my way
I’m horrible
Ghost?
Conflicted to post
Will you understand?
I’ll work on my stuff
Planning
Everything
Silently
But here
 Hammond 8

Artifact three “Release”

I can feel the beat as it courses through my body, entering through my ears
The emotions that rush over me are calming and clear any other emotions that are present
The calm feeling rushes over me like a raging river
These feeling are embedded in me
Taking all of the negative away
Replacing it with neutrality
The only thing I can feel is the beat as it holds onto my neutral body
Engulfing the calming music that soothes my soul
Clearing a path in the once thick fog
Making it easier to see where I had strayed from
Onto a path of unnecessary thoughts
Thoughts that would drown me
Bind me and pin me down
Rendering myself useless
I would surrender
But with this calming river
I feel light
Floating up to the surface as my body is floating on top
Being taken by the current that is free flowing
I relax
Release
Recline
Peacefully floating with neutrality
Neutral
No feelings of thoughts
Just feelings of this calm beat that plays on
Calming
Calm
Calmer
 Hammond 9

Citations

Hammond, Siena. “Bubble.” 2015. School essay. Accessed in 2015.

Hammond, Siena. “Out.” August 31, 2017. Google Docs. Accessed 31 Aug. 2017.

Hammond, Siena. “Release.” September 9, 2017. Google Docs. Accessed 9 Sept. 2017.