Questions You Wanted To Ask Bipolar Disorder

1/13/2018 10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask Someone With Bipolar Disorder - VICE
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10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask

Someone With Bipolar Disorder
"The worst is when you're told that you can just snap out of
depression, that it's just a matter of pulling yourself together."
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Kristian Ejlebæk Nielsen

Jan 9 2018, 2:22pm
Rachid Moutiq. Photo by Simon Roel
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Rachid Moutiq is 29 years old, has a BA in journalism and lives with bipolar
disorder. About 40,000 Danes and 4 million Brits have had the same or a similar
diagnosis, but as is often the case with mental illness, there's still a lot of stigma
around it.
Rachid and I went to high school together, where he did exceptionally well. I
always considered him a genius, one of the smartest and most promising people I
knew. But life, so far, hasn't turned out for him the way we all expected; being
bipolar has made it dif cult for Rachid to hold down a traditional job.
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Recently, he moved from Copenhagen back to the countryside to be closer to his

family. I spoke to Rachid to hear how the disorder has affected every aspect of his
life.
VICE: What was it like to get your diagnosis?

Rachid Moutiq: I got it about a year ago, and it was such a relief, at rst. I'd been
misdiagnosed so often over the years, so it felt great to nally know what's going
on with me. But that feeling subsided when I realised how serious the diagnosis
is. When you're bipolar, you feel like a pendulum swinging between being
extremely self-critical and awkward, and suddenly having the most immense
con dence. I convinced myself that I always had to feel great, con dent and
energetic, and it was tough to face the fact that my mania is as harmful as the
depression. In order to be healthy I have to nd balance, but that balanced state
doesn't come naturally to me, and the thought of it bores me a bit.
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What's it like to be manic?

Early on in my manic states, I am the best version of myself. I do everything faster
and don't get tired or sad. I'm not able to sleep, but I also don't feel the need to.
It's like living in an upbeat movie montage: you don’t have to think – you just do,
and everything is awesome. You talk a lot and have a hard time waiting for people
to answer. You're superhuman, you're hilarious, you're the centre of attention and
loving it. If someone isn't giving you their undivided attention, you don't take it
personally – you just think they're missing out. I guess that, in many ways, it's like
being on cocaine.
Rachid. Photo by Roseann Sabla
Why is the mania as bad as depression, then?

There are two main reasons. The rst one is that if you're manic long enough,
eventually the same thing happens as when you're doing coke for a few days
straight – you become paranoid, out of control. After a manic episode, my brain
just snaps and the depression hits. Secondly, you do things that are out of
character when you’re manic. You make important decisions about your life,
money and relationships in a split second, and that can ruin your life.
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Hyper-sexuality is also a
Policy. symptom – I've had manic sex in public spaces with
people whose names I didn't even know. It can ruin your relationships, your
friendships and your career. It’s not uncommon for people to quit their jobs when
they're manic because they don't want to be tied down, only to deeply regret it
when the episode is over.
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How does being bipolar affect your day-to-day?

This diagnosis affects everything. I often can't sleep – I was awake for two-and-
a-half days once, and when I nally fell asleep I slept for 20 hours straight. You
lose control of your body. When I’m manic I have to remind myself to eat – and
when I do eat, I have to remind myself to stop.
Then, when I'm depressed, I interpret everything completely differently. Simply

getting up in the morning and going to work is a challenge. Your re exes aren't
great, so you can hardly drive a car. I have experienced depression so severe that I
was struggling to even slice off a loaf of bread. I had so little energy that it
seemed impossible to hold the bread and slice it with the knife. When you feel
like that you don't have the energy to shower – you don't even think you deserve
to be clean.
WATCH: 10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask an Undercover Drugs Cop
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How does being bipolar affect your relationship to other people?

It's dif cult to be close to people, because you can't give what you are expected
to in social exchanges. When I’m depressed I feel people are wasting their love on
me – simply meeting someone you know on the street and saying hi can be very
hard. And that's if you even manage to go outside. When you're depressed it
doesn’t matter how much your friend wants you to come to a party, you're not
able to leave the house regardless of how hard you try. You are dealing with very
low energy and very high anxiety.
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What's dating like?

When you're manic or depressed, a partner can easily take your mental state
personally, feel like they've done something wrong. The inconsistency of your
mood can make them nervous around you. People have told me, "I never know
what to expect from you," which makes sense – I also don't know what to expect
from me. It's understandable that your loved ones get frustrated, angry and sad
when you start shielding yourself from the outside world, but it also means that
you become more isolated, which makes you feel worse.
In what way has the illness affected your career?

I have no on/off switch, so I can’t regulate how much energy I use. A lot of people
with bipolar disorder are extremely creative and skilled, but they can only work in
a constant creative stream that doesn't end at 6PM – and if you don't manage
your work ow, you'll burn out. A traditional workplace expects you to be
consistent, to get up at the same time every day and to handle the same amount
of work. I don't think people are meant to do that every day – you don't need a
mental disorder to feel that way – but it feels more trying with bipolar disorder.
I'll never be able to attend work that regularly or always have the same
productivity, but I can see myself in a proper job in the future – though it'll be
dif cult.
Policy.
Rachid and a colleague on location in the Philippines during the filming of a documentary in 2014. Photo: Gabriel
Lorenzo Pagcaliwagan
Are you worried that your children might have bipolar disorder?
Oh yeah, absolutely. It can be hereditary, so I'm giving a lot of thought to whether
I should bring children into this world. I've felt life wasn't worth living so many
times. Being born is not a choice you make yourself, so I'm always wondering
whether I can justify giving life to a person who may some day resent their
existence, just as I have.
What are the worst prejudices you deal with?

People tend to be quite understanding in general. But the worst is when you're
told that you can just snap out of depression, that it's just a matter of pulling
yourself together. I think every depressed person has internalised that idea in
some way. Despite having lived with this for years, I still sometimes wonder if my
depression isn't just a case of me being lazy.
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There's a lot of that sentiment in the media, too – you hear "experts" explain how
they were depressed, but then started working out and read some motivational
quotes and then it all worked out. If that's what solved it, they didn't actually
suffer from depression. Another speci
Policy. c prejudice about people with bipolar
disorder is that they can't be trusted, that they're manipulative liars. When you're
bipolar, you're de nitely not completely reliable, but that’s not the same thing.
Can you be cured of bipolar disorder?

It's a chronic illness, so that won't happen. It's one of the most important lessons
I have to learn – it never stops, it won't go away. If you think you're over it and
start ignoring the signs, you run the risk of falling into deep depression or severe
mania. I'm still haunted by the idea of life being unbearable, but I’m getting
better. I’m optimistic, but the most brutal aspect of being bipolar is the fact that
you can be on the right path, but one single slip-up can catapult you back to
square one. It's like drug or alcohol abuse, in that regard.
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1/13/2018 10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask Someone With Bipolar Disorder - VICE

MORE FROM 10 QUESTIONS

10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask

Kristian Ejlebæk Nielsen

Rachid Moutiq. Photo by Simon Roel

Recently, he moved from Copenhagen back to the countryside to be closer to his

VICE: What was it like to get your diagnosis?

What's it like to be manic?

Rachid. Photo by Roseann Sabla

Why is the mania as bad as depression, then?

How does being bipolar affect your day-to-day?

Then, when I'm depressed, I interpret everything completely differently. Simply

WATCH: 10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask an Undercover Drugs Cop

How does being bipolar affect your relationship to other people?

What's dating like?

In what way has the illness affected your career?

What are the worst prejudices you deal with?

Can you be cured of bipolar disorder?

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