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Going beyond togetherness


Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure


Beyond pain and pleasure

© 2009, Taoshobuddha

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without prior written permission of the original

Printed and Published by: TAOSHOBUDDHA MEDITATIONS

Cover design and graphics: Anand Neelamber,

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure


The word Taoshobuddha comes from three words, ‘tao,’ ‘sho,’ and
‘Buddha’. The word Tao was coined by the Chinese master, Lau Tzu.
It means “that” which is and cannot be put into words. It is
unknown and unknowable. It can only be experienced and not
expressed in words. Its magnanimity cannot be condensed into
finiteness. The word Sho implies, that which is vast like the sky and
deep like an ocean and carries within its womb a treasure. It also
means one on whom the existence showers its blessings. And lastly
the word Buddha implies the Enlightened One; one who has arrived

Thus, Taoshobuddha implies one who is existential, on whom the

existence showers its blessings and one who has arrived home. The
Enlightened One!

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure


Going beyond togetherness

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

H uman relationship is very delicate

phenomena. Each relationship is the way
for the continuation of soul’s journey. Evolving
out of the womb of the unconscious and
subconscious (past) it journeys towards
fruition. However all that happens in this
process actually happens this very moment.
This requires awareness, and understanding of
many things. In the process of its journey each
individual gets lost and fruition never happens.
The pain or pleasure remains the outcome.
Transcendence beyond these requires
awareness. And unless transcendence happens
one cannot really understand the purpose of

For the purpose of understanding I divide

relationships into two categories.

1. Static or Blood relationships

This relationship is Static in nature. This is also

known as Blood – relationship. This does not
evolve. Your father, mother, brother, sister, and
children remain the same. As a result the nature

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

of such relationship does not envisage too many

variations and changes.

2. Dynamic or Self – Chosen Relationships

Particularly I am referring to ‘Self – Chosen’

relationships. This category includes male –
female relationship within the parameter of
marriage or where sex is also involved. Such
relations are self chosen. In this category also
comes friendship as this is self – chosen. This
type of relationship I call Dynamic Relationship.
The growth depends on your awareness. From
awareness evolves your understanding. Your
mind, dogmas, belief patterns etc come to play
dominant role.

The basis of each relationship is love and its

understanding. Love remains nonchalant in
static relationship. Things are taken for granted.
Nature of love never changes. However in the
dynamic relationship love undergoes through
various stages. It begins from the gross and
aspires to attain fruition. In fact dynamic
relationship is the journey of transcendence of
love from baser to the precious. It is journey
from the worldly love to love divine. At its peak

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love becomes friendliness or the quality of your

being. Then it does not remain relationship

It is this aspect of the relationship that is the

concern of humanity. This relationship is
significant in many ways. It is not based on
blood. Yet still it is the basis of all blood
relationships. All blood relations evolve out of
this alone. The existential energy as Shiva and
Shakti; or Purush and Prakriti is at play as the
basis of this energy field. In scientific terms we
can say it is the interplay of positive and
negative energies. The entire process of
evolution takes place because of this
interaction. As we are entering into this realm a
few things have to be understood first.

Self – chosen implies, the two persons guided by

their sub – conscious and unconscious states of
awareness have chosen the other as part of this
relationship. This cannot be wrong when it
comes to soul’s journey. Your sub – conscious
and unconscious is part of total consciousness.
This decision cannot be erroneous as far as
soul’s journey is concerned.

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

Soul seeks evolution from this state. And it

wants to attain freedom from the bondage of
body-mind mechanism. It is the sub – conscious
and unconscious that begins this journey. In the
process you have to journey through dark caves
of the soul. These dark caves are created by
your dogmas, religious beliefs and the mind.
The moment mind comes to play its role
problem begins. This you need to understand.
You have to trust your initial judgment. As you
traverse through these caves many emotions,
feelings etc emerge and mind fails to
understand this for the continuation of the
journey. In the absence of understanding we
tend to abandon the one relation and want to
take another course. Thus we remain
throughout a traveler and never find a place of
rest. In the desert of Misery, and pain you
experience occasional oasis of pleasure or

To transcend beyond pain and pleasure and

thus attain to the state of bliss you need to
understand certain things.

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

1. Start being honest and true when you

enter into relationship. And only that allow the
same to your partner as well.
2. Start dropping all deception, masks,
3. They have become habit. So unless you
drop them consciously and deliberately, they
are never dropped and therefore continue to
hang around the neck.

And much pain will come this way. For example,

you are going with her and you see a beautiful
woman and you say to her that you are pulled
by this woman and her beauty. A great desire to
possess her has arisen in you. You are honest.
Not that you are going to possess her, but the
desire has arisen. There is fear in you. You are
caught into two situations. If you are honest and
there is lack of understanding in the other this
will create a serious problem. To appreciate and
encounter such situation is quite natural. In
such a situation if you are honest problem
comes and if you are dishonest that two will
create problem.

Ordinarily you feel it is better not to say such

things to your woman. Even if she catches you

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Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

red-handed still you never confess. And she will

catch you many times, because your eyes will
show. When you look at another woman who is
beautiful and attractive and suddenly a desire
arises in you. Unconscious is playing its role.
You cannot do anything right now about it. It is
natural for such situations to arise. To do
anything is possible only when it has arisen, not
before it. But it has arisen now. You can repress
it but you cannot do anything else.

Even if the woman catches you, you would like

to pretend that no, it was not that. You were
looking at something else. Do not be untrue.
Then you will be vulnerable to pain. And start
by being vulnerable to pain because everybody
wants to be open for pleasure and nobody
wants to be open for pain. And the arithmetic is:
if you are open to pain, only then can you be
open to pleasure. They are directly proportional
to one another. If you are not open to pain you
cannot be open to pleasure. That is why there
are so many people in the world, each
hankering for pleasure, and everybody is in pain
because they have taken a wrong step from the
very beginning.

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

And let her also be true, allow her truth. Do not

force her to repress. Allow freedom. By and by
you will learn the bitter-sweet taste of it. It is
bitter and sweet both at the same time. And if
you can become available to pain, nobody can
prevent you from becoming available to
pleasure or joy. You have earned it. By going
into pain one earns and learns how to be in
pleasure or joy.

So just start opening by and by. And there is no

need to do it all of a sudden and too much, at
one time? Because that can destroy a

Go in small doses slowly and slowly. Just show a

little part of your real face and not the whole
face at one time. By and by let the mask slip. Let
the mask be loose. Then one day you can
remove it totally. And she will also feel very
happy by and by, because when you start
becoming open, you help her also to become
open. It works in a reciprocal way. She becomes
open. You become more courageous.

And when this opening brings pain you will see

that it has brought a totally new quality to pain.

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

It is a quality that is very refreshing. It is painful

and yet cleansing, painful yet worthwhile. It
brings something. It brings integration and
some clarity too. And makes you more aware!
Pain always makes people aware. When you
consciously go into it and there was every
possibility that you could have avoided it. The
woman was not with you and you came home
and you told her that a beautiful woman passed
on the road and suddenly a great desire arose in
you and you did not know from where. Now
there was no need. She was not with you. You
could have easily avoided it. But it is not good to
avoid. When you have given your heart to a
woman you have to share everything that arises
in your heart. There should not be anything
private. Everything should be shared.

Pain and pleasure both should be shared.

Normally this is not so. We only want to share
pleasure. Purposely I am using the word
pleasure because pain and pleasure go together
as pairs of opposites.

This authenticity will bring an intimacy which is

not the ordinary intimacy of married couples.
Married people are never intimate. They simply

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

pretend to be intimate. Their intimacy has

motives in it. Maybe to pretend to be intimate is
good for the children. To pretend to be intimate
is good for one’s own financial affairs, future
securities, respectability in the society. But
intimacy is not there. It is more a formal thing. It
happens always like this in almost all the
relations. There are no moments of silence
between couples. As lover and beloved there
have always been moments of silence. Then you
could remain silent just holding the hands
together and feeling the surge of refreshing
energy. Or you can go on looking at one another.
Such is the not the situation between husband
and wives. They are always talking – no, no, no
quarrelling all the while and they get silent only
when they are angry after the wrestling bout.

You may be fighting with your woman and a

friend knocks on the door. Suddenly everything
changes and you start smiling. The mind comes
in and everything is going so beautifully. And
just a moment before you were ready to kill
each other! What happened? This is just a social
face. You are not only deceiving the friend
instead you are deceiving yourself too.

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

So I am telling you to move into pain. It is

arduous, dangerous in the beginning. One never
knows what will happen but one thing is certain
that if you can move through pain, pain will
cleanse you of many impurities, of many gross
elements in you. Certainly it will make you more
subtle and more aware too. And through pain
you will become available to pleasure also.
When one is ready to suffer pain there is no
point in repressing pleasure.

We repress pleasure because we are afraid that

if we allow pleasure to have total possession the
pain will also come with it. It is its other side of
the coin. It will come certainly. So people do not
go into pleasure totally! They go very
cautiously. Even while making love people do
not abandon themselves. They remain in
control. A subtle control, a remote control, they
continue with. They keep the button in their
hand somewhere. If something goes too far and
they are crossing the boundary, they turn it off.
But they never go to the very end of it.

The fear is that if you go too much into pleasure

you may be entering the forbidden territory of
pain. It is always there. And this is the pain.

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

So start with pain. And if you can be open in

pain! And if you want some time to cry, cry!
Where else will you cry if you cannot cry before
your woman? Forget all nonsense that has been
taught that a man never cries. If a man never
cries, he is not a man. Either he is inhuman or he
is superhuman, but one thing certain: he is not
man. Cry sometimes. Share your sorrow, your
sadness. Weep like a child in totality. Crying will
clear many suppressed emotions. Crying is

And the same I am saying to your partner. She

has to do the same. And by and by you will see
that a great INTIMACY is arising which has
nothing to do with society. And with that
intimacy much happiness will happen. You will
explode into happiness.

But begin with pain, and always remember that

everything has to begin in pain. Meditate
together and open your hearts as they are.
Sometimes wrong, sometimes rotten, and other
times not worth showing to anybody yet still
show it to your beloved. In this way you will
also help her to show everything. And when all

Relationship – Transcending beyond Pain and Pleasure

the cards are open you are not even holding a

trump card a new kind of intimacy arises on its
own accord.
For me ‘Intimacy’ implies, ‘Before you I will be
totally nude. I will not hide anything.’ That is
what intimacy is all about. Intimacy is not
biological nudeness. Intimacy is psychological
nudeness. It is, ‘When you are in the room, I will
be as if I am alone.’ Your presence will not make
me repress something. Your presence will not
make me change and show something else
which is not there. I will be as natural as I am in
the bathroom when I am alone! Then there is

There is a risk in it! One never knows what will

come out of it. But one thing can be said
certainly, whatsoever comes will be beautiful. If
separation comes out of it, it will be beautiful,
better, more beautiful than the so-called
marriage. If marriage comes out of it, it will be
tremendously beautiful. If there is existing
relationship it will continue its journey for