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Ally Werrick
Fielding WRTC 103
Autoethnography
January 28 2018

My “Co-Parenting” Experience

Most kids grow up with some version of co-parenting, either in one household, divorced,

or something else. Having said, my experience did not fall under these typical scenarios. As Gale

Encyclopedia defined it, “co-parenting is a term used to refer to persons who share in parenting

activities. The term appears to have originated as a description of sharing parenting

responsibilities after divorce, but has since evolved to include second spouses or live-in partners

of a biological parent, homosexual couples with children, and people who become parents via

sperm donation or surrogate motherhood. Co-parenting is also known as shared parenting.” The

parents work closely to share almost if not all aspects of the children’s lives. They also do it in a

respectful way, leaving the children out of any problems the adults might be facing. Children

need to know that they are the priority and know they are not the cause of any distress or

conflicts the parents might be having. However, this is not what I experienced. Having split

parents who did not get along forced me to mature at a young age as I was left to fill adult roles,

helping me strengthen my sense of independence.

Since the day I was born, my parents have not been together. Going back and forth

between houses, having split holidays, and explaining my situation to everyone I became close

with is my life. This was always my normal and I did not have a problem with it, until I reached

high school. I started having problems with my mother, who I mainly lived with. Aside from

constantly fighting, I was starting to get tired of the weekly commute between households. I

started to feel unstable always having to go back and forth. To feel grounded, I decided I wanted
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to live with my father for a change. It only took a matter of months for my biggest life challenge

to begin when my parents decided to go to court over my custody.

Deciding to live with my father seemed like a simple change to me. I had lived mostly

with my mother my entire life, what was the big deal about living with my dad instead?

To my parents, it meant they had to get lawyers to fight over my custody in a perpetually

long court battle. I was two years away from being an adult, meaning who I decided to live with

would not matter to the legal system when I turned 18. Regardless, this was not simply about

where I lived to my parents. The court battle was about money and power to my parents.

Depending on who won my custody, the child support my father paid my mother every week

would then be altered.

My parents were in court for an entire year. That year was the hardest year of my life.

Looking back, I do not regret having to go through that year. Being so alone, I had to find my

inner strength. I reminded myself that although I did not have my parents, I had myself, so I was

not really alone.

Although this was a fight between my parents, I was astonished at the effect it had on my

everyday life. On a daily basis, I was dragged into their own personal issues they had with each

other. Before this court battle began, my parents were always people I could confide in and tell

everything to. However, now any little thing I said could have a massive effect on which parent I

got to live with. I felt more alone than ever before. I felt like I could not trust the two people I

had trusted the most my entire life.

One way I was put in the middle with my parents was constantly being the messenger

between them. If they were not talking through a lawyer, they were not talking at all. That meant

that any plans that involved me, also had to be orchestrated through me. The hardest time I had
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to deal with this was leading up to the summer of 2015. My summer camp that I had been

attending since I was 12, was hosting their annual Israel trip. It was my year to go and it was all

my camp friends and I could talk about. As my father always paid for camp, I assumed he would

be paying for the Israel trip that summer. Despite my expectations that this would be taken care

of, my father told me this year was different. Due to the outcome of court, it was my mother who

would be paying for my Israel trip. Nervously, I picked up the phone and called my mother to

hear exactly what I had anticipated her to say, “No.” She also told me that this information was

not exactly true. I was so confused, I did not know what to do. The back and forth arguments I

had with my parents left me thinking I was going to be the only one not going on the trip.

Thankfully, my grandfather heard my cry for help and paid for the trip to relieve me from being

punished for my own parents disagreement.

Nevertheless, I was not in the courtroom when the judge decided to alter all these aspects

of my life. It was left to me to decipher what was the actual truth, while my parents argued and

lied about who was responsible for what. The Israel trip was one example of the countless times I

was told two opposite stories, and told they were both the truth. During these times, one my

parents was lying to me, but there was no way for me to tell whom it was that was the liar.

When I became the messenger for my parents, I also had to make sure I was delivering

the messages in careful ways. These conflicts that I was unwillingly a part of, had to be resolved

by me in ways that would not hurt or cause even more problems between my parents. I had to

become the adult between my disputed parents, which forced me mature greatly at a young age.

According to Lynn Comerford in Co-parenting, “[parents] should contact the other parent

directly with questions or go through a neutral adult rather than using the children as go-

betweens or ‘spies’” (Sage). Unfortunately, this was not the policy my parents used. Instead, I
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was exactly the “go-between” Comerford advises not to have your child be. Living through

parents who constantly put me between their issues made my life a lot different from most

children who have divorced parents. Normally, when parents decide to get a divorce, they are

required to go to counseling or lessons where they learn how to co-parent (Kirk). Although, they

might not always be successful at co-parenting, they still go through some training on how to do

it. Because my parents only broke up when I was born and never married, they did not have any

insight as to how co-parenting should look. Not that it justifies the way I was treated, but it

explains for some of their behavior that left me put in the middle of their feud.

Most of us, if not all, know what it is like to have parents that do not get along or to not

get along with a parent yourself. Having to go through this my entire life was hard, but having

my parents go to court challenged me in ways I had never thought possible. I grew up faster than

any of my friends, making me more mature and independent. Luckily, this helped me a lot in my

transition to college. Some people I know who have never been alone had trouble going off to

college. For me, it was exciting and I was not scared at all. I knew that I would never be alone

because I had myself, a strong, independent young women who was ready to take on the next

chapter.
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My dorm room.

4:00pm, January 28th 2018.

This is taken just of me because it represents me being strong and

independent.

Work Cited

Frey, Rebecca J., PhD, and Michael Mazzei. "Co-parenting." The Gale Encyclopedia of
Children's Health: Infancy through Adolescence, edited by Deirdre S. Blanchfield, 3rd ed., vol.
1, Gale, 2016, pp. 700-702. Gale Virtual Reference Library,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/CX3630900211/GVRL?u=viva_jmu&sid=GVRL&xid=c913
536e. Accessed 16 Jan. 2018.

Kruk, Edward. “Family Therapy and Parenting Coordination to Reduce Conflict.”

Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 20 Nov. 2012, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-

parenting-after-divorce/201211/family-therapy-and-parenting-coordination-reduce-conflict.

Lynn Comerford. “Co Parenting .” SAGE, Encyclopedia of Motherhood,

sk.sagepub.com/reference/motherhood/n129.xml?fromsearch=true.