MONOLOGUE JOKES

American Airlines confirmed this week that, due to a technical glitch, several hundred holiday flights
were scheduled without pilots. “Big deal,” whispered a raccoon while landing a Spirit Airlines flight.

Britain will soon become the first country to sell Viagra over the counter. The only rule for purchase?
Ignore whatever is happening under the counter.

Arby’s purchased Buffalo Wild Wings in a $2.4 billion deal this week. While many are wondering where
Arby’s got the money, the Arby’s oven mitt is wondering where both his kidneys went.

Last week’s Ohio State/Wisconsin game was delayed after the field’s turf dramatically ripped open.
Stadium officials had few words to say about the incident, but one thing’s for sure: that’s the last time
they buy anything from Craigslist.

North Korea claims to have tested a new missile, which is capable of destroying the U.S. in its entirety.
It’s tentative name? “The Cracker Barrel Menu.”

A team of scientists have debunked the myth of the yeti, chalking ancient DNA up to that of an
endangered bear. While the revelation is exciting, they are now tasked with debunking other mythical
creatures like the Lochness Monster and Christopher Walken.

During a recent press trip, Prince Harry recently shared that he proposed to Meghan Markle on a lavish
camping trip in Botswana. The exchange was a major departure from the palace’s typical tradition of a
gas station teddy bear holding a taquito with a ring on it.

A recent study found that glitter may be detrimental to the environment due to embedded micro plastics.
That story one more time: even glitter is having a terrible year.

The Texas prison system confirmed last week that their annual banned literature list includes “Where’s
Waldo”—or, as system wardens know it, “Fugitive #0067.”

Domino’s Pizza announced that they will soon offer their own baby registry. Featured items are expected
to include personal pan pizzas and second trimester diabetes.

An animal rights group is seeking legal personhood for a group of Connecticut zoo elephants. Though
“personhood” does not ensure complete freedom, it does ensure one important civil liberty—access to
Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

Kylie Jenner will reportedly start selling her popular lip kits from an LA-based mobile truck next year. If
you’re interested in finding the pop up shop, just look for a trail of teenage girls all named Alexis.

After a 10-year hiatus, the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” will reunite for an all new network special. The
gang was slated to reunite last year, but a club remix of “Sexy and I Know It” went especially long.

More than 200lbs of rogue bologna was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border last week. Upon further
inspection, border patrol agents identified the contraband as Guy Fieri.

Oklahoma City police are searching for a man who stole $400 worth of beef jerky from a gas station.
Officials encourage locals to report any suspicious activity or any guys who look like they are literally
flossing until the end of time.
 DESK BITS

Good Boys With Bad News: To inject some levity into the news cycle, our host rolls a produced
package that pairs hero shots of sweet dogs with a crawl of the week’s most disturbing headlines. (Ex. A
pug with a lazy tongue smile-breathes as “Scientists estimate that there are only about 450 North Atlantic
whales left after 17 were reported dead this year” rolls across the bottom of the screen.)

Bedtime Yelp / Yelp Noir: To help late night fans fall asleep, our host reads real restaurant reviews
from Yelp with the calming ease of a child’s bedtime story. For Yelp Noir, our host dons a fedora, takes a
drag of a cigarette, and reads a review with a charged sense of mystery. (Ex. “[Once upon a time,] I
planned to write a long blistering review of this restaurant, but I will be brief. The highlight of the meal
was when a bus boy smuggled us two cheese sticks from the bar. His name was Fernando. The steak was
too rare.”)

Ringtone Roundup: Our host shows off his new phone and introduces the “lesser-known” stock
ringtones that are included. (Ex. “Opening A Cream Cheese Before Realizing One’s Already Open”
(SOUND EFFECT: A metal covering peeling back, a moment of silence, and then a man’s lengthy sigh of
frustration))

Sponsor Spotlight: To better utilize his time, our host takes a moment to shoot his “personal
endorsements” in a rapid-fire string of one-liners. He switches between two cameras in direct addresses
with props. (Ex. Grapefruits—when the burn of an orange isn’t enough and Paperback Books—the
easiest way to say “I’ll probably donate this.”)

This Week In Wiki Updates: Our host reviews the show’s Wikipedia page live on air to proof for any
“user generated” incorrect/inappropriate information on the page. (Ex. The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy
Fallon originates from NBC Studio 6-B at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York City, the original home of
the birth of Jesus Christ. “We’ll probably have to fact check that last bit.”)

Dumb Deals: Viewers submit photos/descriptions of the dumbest things they most recently purchased.
(Ex. “@AlexRune29 I spent $29 on Taco Bell. The Taco Bell was $7.00. The delivery fee was $22.”)

Jokes By My Exes: Our host aims to “diversify the boy’s club of late night” by reading additional
monologue jokes exclusively written by women—his exes, specifically. The punch lines quickly evolve
from standard programming to targeted attacks of our host, who continues to broadcast his own
relationship skeletons. (Ex. “A human foot mysteriously washed ashore last week on Vancouver Island.
The only thing more mysterious is Seth Meyers’ ability to forget what we had was a really great thing.”)

Vague Sports: To avoid endorsing leagues, teams, or players, our host delivers sports news without any
branded information. Photo assets also supplement this bit. (Ex. A graphic of Aaron Rogers with a blurred
Packers logo appears as our host reads “After eight weeks of medical leave, this guy announced Tuesday
that he has been cleared to play in his team’s game against the other team on Sunday. Team fans are
excited.”)

First Draft Titles: Our host shares “lesser-known” first draft titles of recent box office hits.
Supplemental art mockups pair as visuals. (Ex. “So many fans of the truly thrilling ‘Baby Driver’ this
year. What many don’t know is ‘Baby Driver’ was actually a quick fix for the original title: “Great Gas
Mileage.’”)
 BOTTOMLESS PASTA GIRL

INT: OLIVE GARDEN—WAITRESS approaches a middle-aged MAN and WOMAN with their bill.

WAITRESS
Now, if I’m correct, a ‘no’ to dessert, means a 'yes’ to the check?

MAN (REACHING FOR WALLET)

That’ll do it!

WAITRESS
Alright, Two Bottomless Pasta Bowls ready and accounted for!

WOMAN
My compliments to the chef on the spaghetti. I know it’s “bottomless,” but it was so good I somehow
found the bottom!

WAITRESS (SUDDENLY VERY GRAVE)

You did?

WOMAN
Oh…no…it was just a—

WAITRESS
Kidding! Nobody ever “finds the bottom”! Now, I assume the rest of the evening has been to your
satisfaction?

MAN
It sure has!

WOMAN
Yes! Best first date ever!

MAN
Well, I wouldn’t speak so soon! The night is still young...

WOMAN and WAITRESS share a giggly glance as MAN hands over his credit card bill.

WAITRESS exits.
WOMAN
So...I don’t usually do this on the first date and I know you already mentioned you don’t want to meet my
pet iguana but...should we keep this going at my place?

MAN
I think we should break up.

WOMAN
Wait...what?
MAN
I think you’re really great, but the iguana thing really shook me and I think we might just be better as
friends. Honestly, I’ve thought it for quite some time.

WOMAN
I don’t understand. You’ve only known me for three hours. And you did all that touchy stuff when the
bread came out. And then that thing where you carved “Will you eventually marry me?” into the
bathroom stall and then sent me a picture of it.

MAN
I guess I just wanted to believe in the fantasy of us, to get away from my problems.

WOMAN
What problems?

MAN
Self-esteem, money. Also, I’m married.

WOMAN
Wait, WHA-
WAITRESS re-enters with a paper bag.

WAITRESS
Ah! So glad I caught you two—here’s the take home portion of your Bottomless Pasta Bowls. Figured
you’d only need one bag if you know what I mean. Enjoy!

WAITRES exits. A silence passes.

MAN
Do...you mind if I take the leftovers?

WOMAN
I don’t give a damn what you do at this point.

MAN
Awesome, thank you. Rylan loves spaghetti so this will be great.

WOMAN
So that’s your wife.

MAN
Who?

WOMAN
Rylan. You just said Rylan will be eating my pasta.

MAN
Oh, Rylan? No, she’s my iguana

WOMAN
But...you said you hated my iguana? You have an iguana?
MAN
Oh wait, did I say iguana? I meant teenage daughter.

WAITRESS returns carrying six more bags

WAITRESS
And here are rounds four through nine of the Bottomless Pasta Bowls…

Tension grows as WAITRESS awkwardly organizes the bags.

WAITRESS
I always love when older couples come through here. People your age usually think they’re going to die
alone. Looks you’re the lucky ones!

WAITRESS exits. WOMAN rests her face in her hands.

MAN
Aw, don’t cry, Brianne.

WOMAN
I’m not crying...I’m just—

WOMAN breaks down in a whimper.

WOMAN
I don’t even have words for how humiliating this is.

A hand appears over WOMAN’s shoulder and hands her a tissue.

WOMAN
Thank you. It’s just been a tough year of trying to figure out what I really want...

WOMAN reaches for another tissue. Suddenly, she’s holding a fistful of spaghetti.

WOMAN
WHAT THE HELL?

The shot reveals WAITRESS stuffing spaghetti and tissues back into her server’s apron.

WAITRESS
All good? Let me grab you a small box for that Bottomless Pasta.

WOMAN
Why would you—no—just PLEASE don’t.

WAITRESS
Got it. So a small bag, perhaps?

MAN
No, what she means is —we didn’t know Bottomless Pasta Bowl meant this much pasta.
WOMAN
Yes, please, no more bags of pasta! Jesus.

WAITRESS
Very well. Of course.

WAITRESS disappears.
MAN
Look, let’s just get down to it. I wish I could be better for you and be someone who helps you know what
you want and deserve. I think you’re great. And someone will see it without all the drama.

WOMAN
I don’t think you’re drama. I think you just have some honesty issues. Or clarity issues. Or issue issues.

MAN
Ha. You’re probably right.

WOMAN (READYING TO LEAVE)

Well, hey. There’s that. Maybe this night isn’t a total wash WHAT THE—

WOMAN picks up purse in horror.

WOMAN
Oh my god.

MAN
What is it??

WOMAN pulls strands of spaghetti out of her clutch purse.

WOMAN
My purse is ruined!

MAN
Wait a minute—my wallet!

MAN pulls his wallet out and turns it over. A lump of tortellini alfredo hits the table.

WOMAN hails WAITRESS over to the table.

WAITRESS
You two lovebirds change your mind about dessert?

WOMAN
Why is my purse full of pasta? And his wallet? What is this?

WAITRESS
So, let me get this straight. You don’t want the bags of Bottomless pasta…OR you don’t want the
Bottomless Pasta itself? If you could just clarify—
MAN
ENOUGH OF THE **BLEEP** PASTA. WE HAVE REACHED THE BOTTOM AND WE ARE
DONE. STOP WITH THE **BLEEP** PASTA. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP.

A beat of silence. WAITRESS clears her voice.

WAITRESS
Sir. When you’re here, you may be family, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

MAN
Gladly.

WAITRESS exits as MAN wipes pasta off of his hands. WOMAN stares in shock.

WOMAN
Oh my god. In my three hours of knowing you, I’ve never heard you raise your voice.

MAN
Yeah well—

WOMAN
And I’ve never been more attracted to anyone in my life.

MAN
Really? Your place or mine?

WOMAN
Is Rylan home?

MAN
Probably. Is your iguana home?

WOMAN
Probably.

MAN
Meet me in the bathroom stall with the broken latch in 15 seconds?

WOMAN
Yes.

MAN and WOMAN race off as WAITRESS passes through. An OLD DUDE with a menu approaches
her.

OLD DUDE
‘Scuse me, miss? I’ve never eaten pasta or sauce before. Can you recommend a pairing for my
Bottomless Pasta Bowl?

WAITRESS (WITH A SMILE)

I sure can.
 End Scene.

THE SCHOOL FOR CELEBRITY APOLOGIES

Soft lighting and corporate hold music fill the air as MEAGAN speaks to camera with a coached
enthusiasm.

MEAGAN
Hi! I’m Meagan. And you can call me Meagan. And you must be the sir or madam who applied to a state
school of your choice. Hi! I’m Meagan! If you’re watching this, I’m sorry to reveal that your chosen
university reviewed your application and, sadly, your writing sample wasn’t strong enough for admission.
Luckily, all hope isn’t lost for a quality education—and we can put your poor writing to good use here
at...

THE SCHOOL FOR CELEBRITY APOLOGIES

MEAGAN
At the SFCA, we strive to find the right mediocre writers to keep up with the rigorous demands of writing
imperfect celebrity apologies. Look! Meet Jason, a second-year student specializing in political shame!

A nervous JASON enters and shifts his weight back and forth.

JASON
As a child, I wanted to be the Mayor of Cleveland, but instead of studying, I spent most of my time
apologizing to my step dad Rick for that one time I accidentally called him “Dad.” One thing led to
another, an SFCA representative found one of my amateur pleas for forgiveness in a casino trashcan, and
boom! Now, I’m the voice of disgraced politicians in the small to medium-small apology market of
Winston, KY! And that’s cooler than having my own Oval Office and/or voice—right Dad? I mean Rick.
Everybody heard me say Rick, right? RIGHT?

MEAGAN
Ring ring! Do you hear that? It’s Hollywood, California calling and they need a new writer to help repair
the image of their top morally ambiguous actors! If this interests you, meet Daytona, a fourth-year student
specializing in stars with bad habits!

DAYTONA relies heavily on her cue card.

DAYTONA
Before I accepted my offer from the School For Celebrity Apologies, I was trying to go to law school to
become a defense attorney. Sadly, I couldn’t remember how to properly use grammar or sincerity. Now, I
write highly problematic public statements for men who are humbled after peeing in their co-worker’s
purses. And Charlie Sheen has my number on speed dial!

MEAGAN
Wow! I’m shocked! I thought Charlie Sheen was dead—and if you did, too, don’t worry! We offer plenty
of other writerly specializations. Just take a look at our recent course offerings:
 A GRAPHIC of course offerings rolls as MEAGAN reads.

Apologies for Athletes Who Call Female Reporters “Tickle Bate”

Apologies for Rappers Who Wear Baby Birds As Earrings

Apologies for Moguls Who “Accidentally” Sext A GEICO Chatbot

Apologies for Journalists Who Condone Comic Sans

Apologies for Mistakes I Mean Presidents …just kidding!!!1!

JASON
Take it from me—everybody has something to feel shamed about. People in the public eye just have a
very little time to articulate the shame and/or feel it in a heartfelt way. That’s where you come in!

DAYTONA
And if you click the ENROLL NOW button at the end of this video, you may qualify for a free tote bag
and a Tonya Harding Room & Board Fee Waiver!

MEAGAN
Wow! I’m shocked! Just kidding, I’m still Meagan, and you’re still terrible at writing, so don’t delay! Put
your limited knowledge of how to maintain composure and craft a cohesive sentence to good use at The
School For Celebrity Apologies today. Otherwise...

ALL shuffle together and tentatively chant.

ALL
You’ll be the one who’s sorry!

End Scene.