Transactional Analysis Journal

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Book Review: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Barton W. Knapp
Transactional Analysis Journal 1991 21: 54
DOI: 10.1177/036215379102100108

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BOOK REVIEWS
to behave healthily, that interactions with
parents are the most important influences
on children, and that the best way to curb
misbehavior is to insist on standards of
decency. If we cannot persuade our
children that they have the capacity to
manage their lives and that the world is
worth living in-and then work to create
a world in which this is true-medical
treatments will expand endlessly but will
not be able to help us. (p. 29)
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Brown, S. (1985). Treating the alcoholic: A developmen-
tal model of recovery. New York: Wiley-Interscience.
Fingarette, H. (1988). Heavy drinking: The myth of
alcoholism as a disease. Berkeley: University of Califor-
nia Press.
Levin, J. (1987). Treatment of alcoholism and other ad-
dictions: A self-psychology approach. New York:
Aronson.
Sagan, L. (1989). The health of nations: True causes of
sickness and well-being. New York: Basic Books.
Steiner, C. (1979). Healing alcoholism. New York: Grove
Press.
Volger, R., and Bartz, W. (1982). The better way to drink:
Moderation and control ofproblem drinking. Oakland,
CA: New Harbinger Publications.
William F. Cornell, M.A., is a Certified
Transactional Analysis Instructor and Super-
visor. He maintains a private practice in TA
treatment and training in Pittsburgh and Gib-
sonia, Pennsylvania, USA.
Getting The Love You Want: A Guide
For Couples
Harville Hendrix
Harper & Row, 1990
296 pp., $8.95 (paper)
Reviewed by Barton W. Knapp
Many transactional analysts recognize that
people fall in love and marry for reasons that
are often obscure to them. A colleague and I
have frequently remarked that "marriages are
made in script-not in heaven," and this is a
basic tenet of Getting The Love You Want. Hen-
drix's position is that many people enter into
what he calls" 'The Unconscious Marriage'
... a marriage that includes all of the hidden
desires and automatic behaviors that are left
over from childhood and that inexorably lead
couples into conflict" (p. xvii).
The primary focus of this book is on the
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"relics of the past" in each partner which im-
pact a relationship and on identifying tools that
can help reduce the negative influence of these
relics. Hendrix, who has a bachelor of arts, a
bachelor of divinity, and a doctorate in
psychology and religion, is a Certified Member
of the ITAA, a full member of the American
Group Psychotherapy Association, and is a
Diplomate of the American Association of
Pastoral Counselors. He has also been married
twice. He draws upon his educational
background and his professional training/ex-
perience as well as on his personal experiences
as he talks to the reader.
In his introduction, Hendrix says:
In today's society, you are encouraged
to view marriage as a box. First you
choose a mate. Then you climb into a
box. Once you've had a chance to settle
in, you take your first close look at your
boxmate. If you like what you see, you
stay put. If you don't, you climb out of
the box and scout around for another
mate. In other words, marriage is viewed
as an unchanging state, and whether it
works or not depends upon your ability
to attract a good partner. The common
solution to an unhappy marriage, the one
chosen by nearly fifty percent of all
couples, is to divorce and start allover
again with a new and, hopefully, better
mate. (p. xiii)
In Part I Hendrix explores and identifies
some important aspects of relationships-the in-
itial attraction, romantic love, and a power
struggle. He suggests that the familiar details
of married life can be viewed as an emerging
psychological drama: "I call this drama 'The
Unconscious Marriage,' and by that I mean a
marriage that includes all the hidden desires and
automatic behaviors that are left over from
childhood and that inexorably lead couples in-
to conflict" (p. xvii).
He develops this theme in an appealing way,
one which expands the reader's understanding
of the complex psychological, social, and
neurological processes involved in human
development. For example, he contrasts the
functioning of two areas of the brain. The "old
brain"-the brain stem and the limbic
system-has no concept of time, only a hazy
awareness of the external world, and has as one
of its basic functions ensuring the individual's
Transactional Analysis Journal

survival. The "new brain"-the cerebral
cortex-is "the part of you that is conscious,
alert, and in contact with your daily
surroundings. It's the part of you that makes
decisions, thinks, observes, plans, anticipates,
responds, organizes information, and creates
ideas"(p. 10). The old brain retains images and
information that are largely archaic, but to
which we continue to refer.
In the second part of the book, entitled "The
Conscious Marriage," Hendrix defines the
conscious marriage as "a marriage that fosters
maximum psychological and spiritual growth;
it's a marriage created by becoming conscious
and cooperating with the fundamental drives of
the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed,
and to be whole" (p. 90). He lists ten character-
istics of a conscious marriage, including the
realization that one's love relationship has a
hidden purpose-the healing of childhood
wounds; the creation of a more accurate im-
age of one's partner; taking responsibility for
communicating one's needs and desires;
becoming more intentional in one's interac-
tions; and accepting the difficulty of creating
a good marriage.
In the remaining chapters of this section,
Hendrix examines issues such as closing exits
from the relationship, establishing safety, in-
creasing knowledge of oneself and of one's
partner, and handling rage and anger. He il-
lustrates how each of these issues affects the
relationshipand how, as they improve, the rela-
tionship functions more effectively and
satisfactorily.
In the final section of the book, Hendrix
describes 16 exercises he uses in working with
couples. Directions for the exercises are de-
tailed enough that lay readers can use them in
their own relationships.
Also included in the book is a brief section
on the appropriateness and relevance of pro-
fessional help for improving a marriage and
suggestions for how to obtain such help-
referrals from friends, a church, or reference
to professional organizations that can provide
names of competent professionals. A
bibliography cites a wide range of relevant
reading, and some of the important concepts
from the text are further elaborated in a sec-
tion of notes. For example, there is an in-
teresting discussion of the concept of "Im-
ago"-a term used by Freud, Jung, and Berne.
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BOOK REVIEWS
In fact, Imago Relationship Therapy is the
name Hendrix has applied to his own
therapeutic approach.
There is no index to the book, but this is pro-
bably not a major problem. One point which
does merit attention is Hendrix's attribution of
the concept of escape hatches to Frank Ernst.
To this writer's best knowledge, this concept
was first described by William Holloway in a
paper presented at the 1973 ITAA Summer
Conference. In addition, some of Hendrix's ex-
ercises bear a strong resemblance to material
presented in couples' workshops presented in
the mid-seventies by Josephine Lewis and Vann
Joines of the Southeast Institute.
Overall, however, this is an excellent, well-
written, substantivebook, useful to both layper-
sons and professionals. It is recommended
without reservation.
Phobics and Other Panic Victims: A
Practical Guide for Those Who Help Tbem
Janice N. McLean and Sheila A. Knights
Continuum, 1989
180 pp., $17.95 hardcover
Reviewed by Barton W. Knapp
In 1971 California psychiatrist Arthur Har-
dy founded the TERRAP Phobia Program-a
standardized program of treatment for people
subject to anxiety and phobia attacks. TERRAP
is an acronym for territorial apprehensiveness.
It is estimated that 15% of the population ex-
perience some kind of anxiety and panic symp-
toms. Many professionals find themselves
somewhat at a loss as to how to work most ef-
fectively with clients who have what DSM-ill-
R has termed Panic Disorder without
Agoraphobia. The TERRAP program is a com-
prehensive approach to the treatment of these
clients.
McLean and Knights-both experienced in
the TERRAP approach-attempt to provide
help for all those who are involved in dealing
with people who suffer from panic disorders-
the individual, family and friends, and
therapists and health professionals.
The book is relatively brief and begins with
an introduction-' 'Helping Those Who Panic:
The Victim's Problem, the Family's Problem,
the Solution" -that presents several scenarios
that any reader might face, situations in which
55